The Bugle - Bugle 288 – Bear Sick

Episode Date: February 27, 2015

Polar Bears are having a bad time. Here's how bad... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Uglars and welcome to issue 288s of the Bugle for Weekending, 27th February 2015

with me and his oxtman back up on the correct side of the equator. After a 38 hour dothed or journey that I'm still not sure psychologically has fully ended or indeed will ever end. But I am allegedly in London and one nil up in the most number of week three topical HBO shows currently on air. But one nil down in most jet lagged bugle co-host. It's the man who mangles the oranges of obfuscation, balls them up with this sweet, sweet sugar of satire to make the Marmalade of MIRTH that makes that topical toast, slip down a tree. It's John Oliver. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bughlers. Welcome the right way up, Andy. Welcome back.

How does it feel to have the blood in your feet, rather than in your head? That's awesome. That's how the human body works. It's one or the other. Yeah. I mean, it was interesting to do my gigs down in New Zealand. That end up in the punchlines first and the set up second, they just go around the other way. That's right, all the logic goes backwards. It's fucking cold here, Andy. It is face-bitingly cold.

It is air-slappingly cold. And there's a car outside my office, which has been left there for the last two weeks. It's completely covered under snow and ice and the person who owns it seems to have just decided I don't have a car anymore. This morning someone had dug out a small space on the windscreen through the frozen bush and I looked inside and it was a fucking parking ticket. There are some hardened parking attendants in this city. They will not be stopped by the elements. They will issue their ticket. Well, I say you can't show weakness to the elements.

Life must go on, and if life is putting parking tickets on permanently frozen cars. But it's essentially you're giving a parking ticket to a fossil there. Yeah, that is shown. The New Yorkers determination not to give in. This is Bugle 2.88 for the week ending Friday the 27th of February 2015. On this day, as we record, on Friday the 27th, it's 115 years to the minute. Since the British Labour Party was founded, no one knows whether or not it still exists. Scientists have taken a swab from the allegedly the Ed Milliban

and no-waiting results. Also, it is the 200th anniversary of the first ever post-match interview in which Silenius, the gladiator, said, obviously I was delighted to have killed five doubt was terrific for me, but then when I released the Tigers obviously I was disappointed by that, but that's what been a gladiator is all about As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week After my trip to Auckland, it is a section of Auckland's architectural wonders There's a big towel with a spike on top, the end. That's New Zealander, I thoroughly enjoyed, but I did spend six days there, all in urban centres, which I don't believe is the correct way to see the beautiful country of New Zealand.

And I had an hour and a half to look around Auckland on Tuesday morning before catching the plane home and I got back to the hotel with 45 minutes this but so I don't know what if that says more about Auckland or more about me, probably a little bit of both. Top story this week. Happy polar bear day, everyone. And the February the 27th, as we all know, is international polar bear day. And amazingly, the existence of international polar bear day is actually a fact. It's one of those things that sounds like a lie, but is actually true, like Oscar winner Sandra Bullock. You have to Google it first before you admit that it's genuinely a thing.

International Polar Bear Day takes place every February the 27th, and it's a day designed to raise awareness of the plight of Polar Bears, rather than a cynics might suggest a bullshit holiday that's greetings car manufacturers have made up so they can sell more polar bear themed cars. Oh, what are you getting me for International Polar Bear Day? You hadn't forgotten had you? No, of course not. I got you a card.

You didn't leave it until the last minute did you? No, of course not. Here you go. What's this? There's a f***ing penguin on it. I'm sorry that so now it was the closest thing I can get. I'll do better next year. Yes, we are recording on this day of all days, if you're a polar bear or a huge fan of polar bears, international polar bear day. This is one day of the year, John, when flying the white flag is entirely appropriate. Take down your bunting, hang up your polar bear skins. It's time to get down and get furry with everyone's favourite merciless Arctic carnival.

Surrender to the bear. LAUGHTER The holiday is run by polar bears. That sounded like that wasn't the first time you've used those words, John. LAUGHTER The holiday is run by polar bears International, which sounds like a lobby group of polar bears themselves. And I actually wouldn't blame them, Andy,

if in the last few years when they realised how little humanity was doing to help them, they just unionized and are now making demand directly. The group encourages people to find ways to reduce their carbon output by asking everyone to turn down their thermostats by two degrees today in order to reduce our climate impact. And Andy, that is not much of an ask.

Considering the peril that polar bears are in, they are really setting us unachievable and yet eminently missable goal, Andy. Turning your thermostat down by two degrees for one day a year. That's like just before the dodo became extinct saying, hey everyone, can you please eat three less carrots this year? That should do it. And if it doesn't, let's just say the dodo wasn't meant to be. Now, I don't know how you celebrated international polar bear day Andy. I would encourage everyone

to honour the polar bear by living as it does, maybe having an entire ringed seal for lunch or making an even bigger occasion, and gathering the whole family around a whole whale carcass latest in high for dinner. You know, just to show the bear you respect how it chooses to live. Yeah, well, I've done exactly that job. I've done exactly as the polar bear does, as you said, I've killed an eatenous alive seal in public.

I've gone for a swim without my trunks on, and I've also had a camera crew following me around whenever I've had a meal taken a shit or tried to pull. So it's been basically exactly like your standard polar bears date. There is very little in the way of good polar bear news to celebrate this year as indeed has been the case of the last couple of decades for PBs. But at least there was a little lighter news recently as apparently there is something of a temporary polar bear infestation

at the moment in Labrador, Canada. Labrador is a coastal community in Northeastern Canada. And if you think Labrador is a made up name for the place, just won't you really hear the specific part of Labrador which was effective? Because it's a town called Black Tickle. Yes, Black Tickle. And let's be clear, Black Tickle is a terrible name for a Canadian village,

but it's an incredible name for a 1970s Black exploitation film. Apparently, there were around nine polar bears wandering around the Black Tickle vicinity on Monday. Experts say that it is one of the earliest times of the year on record that they've been seen there. And one local man who spotted them was Jeremy Keif, who was apparently driving home on his snowmobile when he saw polar bears hanging around by the side of the road. And that's a pretty Canadian sentence right there, Andy.

It couldn't get much more Canadian without having a maple syrup covered moose playing ice hockey against a loon on a frozen lake nearby. But the story gets even better, because apparently he was able to deal with the situation safely, because he was carrying a, and I quote, bear banger, which is a small hand-held device that can launch a small explosive, and he fired it to move the bears away from the road and his community. Apparently he said it's the same as hurting cows, which is not f***ing true Andy. It's not true because you don't hurt cows with an explosive cow banger, do you?

I mean you should, but you don't and cows can't rip your head off and use your body as a toothpick after eating a seal kebab. Well, I mean, of course, if international polar bear day works, then we'll all have to live with the ever-present threats of a polar bear infestation. And we have a quick bugle guide now for how to deal with a polar bear infestation in your house village or town. Step one, dress entirely in white. Step two, be friendly.

Step three, turn off the central heating. It just makes them cranky. Step 4, fill in any polar bear-sized holes in your scurting boards with some wire wool that stops them getting in and out. And 5, tell the next door neighbours, keep baby seals and well-guarcuses in there, shed. That should work. The depressing thing is, despite this temporary

infestation, you cannot escape the fact that polar bears are famously in diastrates. Part of the problem is that changing climate conditions for them of course polar bears to lose body weight with some very serious consequences for polar bear cubs. A polar bear expert, Ian Sterling, revealed that between 1980 and 2007, pregnant females had lost an average of more than £110 in body mass, which in turn led to smaller litters and reduced cub survival. And there's just no way to post that as a positive, Andy. Sure, climate change deniers may try to argue that there's nothing wrong with polar bears losing a bit of weight, that they might even actually make posters featuring happy female

polar bears holding out their old fat jeans in front of them, thrilled at being slimmer with a pile of dead polar bear cops hidden in the background. But it won't be making it a good thing. So as you say, the aims of International Polar Bear Day are several, as you say, including encouraging people to turn their thermostats down. And also to drive less, although both of those things are fraught with polar bear risk.

I mean, if you drive less, you're much more likely to be caught by a hungry polar bear whilst walking home. And if you turn down your thermostat, you're likely to get so cold that you need to kill and skin a polar bear to make a nice warm coat. So I mean, this could backfire. The other aims of the organization include to ensure that there is a wild polar bear population of at least 2000 in every single town in the world by the year 2043,

that there is a polar bear on the management board of at least 25% of the world's 83 largest corporations within 15 years. An acknowledgement that polar bears were the first people to walk to the North Pole, and also that all polar bears in zoos should get preferential treatments, including complimentary Wi-Fi, bath robes and a baby sealed dispensing machine. So it'll be alright to see how it all pans out. The other absolutely terrifying development for polar bears is that a new study has found a link between chemicals and bone loss that could damage polar bears' penises. Now, clearly, if I had a pound,

for every time I've heard someone say that sentence, John. Oh, yeah. Well clearly, this could damage polar bears' ability to mate. But I'm guessing that male polar bears have already tuned out from the second part of that sentence and are still panicking, saying, wait, what chemicals do what to my penis? What the fuck is happening up here?

We cannot catch a break. The chemicals in question are PCBs or polychlorinated bifinals, which were once used in everything from transformers to paints, but were banned here in the US back in 1979. Sadly, their residue was been floating around for years. And when PCBs make their way into polar bears,

the chemicals can damage the baculum a bone in the bears penis. And I think we just now, at this point Andy, need to replace the famous image of the polar bear floating on a tiny piece of ice. Clearly people are immune to that image. It does not shock people anymore. The new image, Andy, should be a polar bear buckled over in pain,

clutching its visibly broken penis. If environmental groups can't get that to work, Andy, then we are truly f**ked. But it must make for... I mean, it's amazing how they found this. Scientists have apparently gathered polar bear wang bones, or backgillum, as you call them, for, I mean, it's amazing how they found this. Scientists apparently gathered polar bear Wang bones or backgillum, as you call them,

from Hunters in Canada and Greenland, tested the bones, these penis bones to determine their mineral density, because, well, I guess someone had to. I mean, if we don't know the mineral density of the bones in polar bears, flobble drops, then how can we possibly hope to understand the meaning and purpose of all life?

One of the impacts has been that apparently polar bears can find it hard to bring their Percy to perkiness, so to speak, which must make the whole situation rather awkward for polar bear daddies in their more intimate moments with polar bear mummies. Do you not fancy me anymore, Dennis? It's not that love. It's what then, Dennis? Have you been seeing that grisly bitch again? No, of course not. That was a one-off for a wildlife documentary, honest. Then why can't I make you feel sexy? Sorry, it's... Why can't you get it up, Dennis?

It's very cold. It's always f***ing cold, we're f***ing polar bears. We used to do it all night, and we live in the Arctic, that means we're about four f***ing months. Okay, I'll tell you why. I can't get it up anymore. It's because of what they used to make pains out of in the 1970s the Arctic that means about four fucking months. Okay I'll tell you why I can't get up anymore. It's because of what they used to make pains out of in the 1970s and the now outdated methods for manufacturing electoral transformers there. I've said it. You are seeing that fucking grizzly holiday again aren't you Dennis? Tough times, tough time for them. They're no wonder polar bears across with us John. Not only do we constantly represent them in cartoons

and soft toys as cuddly and friendly. How do you think that makes a trained killer feel? And a feel? And the money is very essence. Not only is our carbon habit knocking some very serious value off their property prices and some even more serious surface area off their properties. But also, we are stopping them get it up, John. What more is there left to live for as a polar bear?

Dark days. One of the articles I was reading about this story, John, told of a Canadian woman who had recently shot her first polar bear. And it had two quits. I don't know if it was a part of a controlled cull or just a lark, but anyway, two rather bizarre quotes came from it. The woman said, it ran probably 20 yards and fell down and died. I felt so bad, I can't believe I just did that.

And then one paragraph later, as she said, a lot of people dreamed their whole life about getting a polar bear, and I just got to do it. I mean, what are we to believe from that, John? What, I mean, I know hunting is a, it must come at a some kind of psychological cost. But that is one confused polar bear hunt stress there, John. I think what she's saying really is, you know, if you've not killed a polar bear,

you can't criticize her. I think that's basically what she's saying. POLERBARE FACTS NOW Polly Bear Facts Now There Are Around 25,000 Polly Bears In The World. That is enough to fill a medium sized English football stadium. And you will, in fact, barely be able to tell the difference in terms of the demographic makeup of the average football crowd, although the language will be slightly more advanced and the manners very slightly improved. The average polar bear can consume in a day 4.4 pounds of fat. This might explain why there's only 25,000 of them.

They must be keeling over with heart attacks almost once a meal. And a polar bear's enormous stomach can hold 10 to 20% of the animal's vast body weight, which is the equivalent, John, of Elvis Presley eating a 50 pound beef burger. That's... I mean, I'm not saying that didn't happen and it may well it may well have happened but the the polar bears seem to be able to deal with it rather better. One of the main reasons that polar bears are having such a difficult problem is of course are continuing reliance on oil and the world is currently enjoying a front row seat for some seriously juvenile oil price wars. There was extraordinary quote suggesting

that the current low price of oil could be absolutely catastrophic from an article in Forbes in which an oil expert said there is no doubt in my mind that modern civilisation would collapse in a matter of months if oil stopped flowing. And John, that has to be a strong contender for least reassuring sentence of the year so far. Alongside Vladimir Putin sleeps with the big red button on one side of his bed and is alarm clock on the other. And he really likes the snooze button in the morning. Perhaps alongside, Jeb Bush is hotly tipped to become

the next president of America. Islamic State is establishing a stronghold in Libya. Those are deeply, deeply unreassuring words. The Qatar World Cup will definitely go ahead, I mean, maybe not quite in the same ballpark, but of a similar nature. England will bat first, against New Zealand, deeply, and all these sentences just chill you to the

Bontoni Abbott has won a vote of confidence in Australia and sharks have developed the atomic bomb. But this is a couple of months, John. We've seen things collapse in a couple of months before, for example, celebrity marriages, banks and the ethical viability of our economic system, but not the whole of Western civilization. You compare it with the Romans, John, it took the Romans a couple of hundred years of drinking, lead, and f***ing horses for them to completely collapse. And we are a couple of months away because of our overlides on oil. Let's also add another quote. Oil is about as important to the developed world as agriculture.

And what that says to me, John, invest in hot dog vans big time. They are the text stocks of the 21st century. Here's a quick multiple choice quiz question for you John. What are stockpiles of crude? A. The winner of the International Brevity Associations 2015 summarized the internet in three words competition. B. A. Thraschfunk B.Bot fusion band that Condoleezza Rice was enduring her college days. C, something that is causing global oil prices to slip and aggravating political and economic tensions around the world, especially in areas that really don't need any more aggravation. Or D, a carpet retail

outlets in the quiet English village of Crude upon Trent, stockpiles of Crude for all your flooring needs. I was Condole a rice and I've got a bootleg of that band, they are very loud. Yeah, anyone who's seen her tats will know quite well that band meant to her. And it's certainly true that oil has caused many many benefits for humanity, including of course the quad bike. But it's also caused probably more problems for this species than any other thing apart from butterflies which of course of course all kinds of trouble. There was a butterfly called Ian in Mexico, flapped its wing in 1904, and set in train a chain of global events that led to two world wars, Hiroshima, the Premature Death of Jimmy Hendrix, the birth of Osama bin Laden, and the onslaughts of reality television.

All from that one butterfly, flapping into wings, that puts it at everything in perspective, or out of perspective, I'm not sure. I can't tell. I'll basically be on a plane for a day and a half. There was one potential piece of consolation news for polar bears. When Barack Obama vetoed deproposed Keystone pipeline that would pump more of the sweet black economic nectar from Canada down to the state.

It was only his third presidential veto, one of which involved the unforgettable inter-state recognition of Notarization's act of 2010. I know you've still got the t-shirt from that one framed on your bedroom wall, John, like all good Americans. And the other was when Michelle wanted to watch the love guru at the Oval Office moving out in 2009. And to be fair to Obama, he only vetoed it because he'd already seen it three times in the cinema when it came out. It's still a misuse of presidential power, I think. This is supposed to be a democracy.

Currently Obama has the fewest vetoes of any president. He's had three vetoes in six years now. The fewest of any president since James A. Garfield, who clocked up zero, although that achievement was, of course, assassination assisted. And he might fire out the vetoes in his final couple of years in office, but he's going to have to really put his presidential pedal to the legislative metal, if he's going to catch up with the all-time veto record holder, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who kiboshed the crap out of 635 bits of legislation. That is a lot of vetoes, John the man who put the delay and the no into Delano and also who put the Ooh, Zavelt. Your emails now, and we have an email here from Chris saying, Hi Chaps, you missed out on one of Prince Philip's many honours.

He's a God in Vanarato, and he provides a link to the express, which probably questions whether what he's just said is true or not. But still, that's a hell of a claim. If Vanaratu do seem as a God, Vanaratu are not likely to exist for long. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what kind of religion would view Prince Philip as a divine being. I mean, the evidence does suggest that if they must be lower in the standards of divine, I mean, the Greeks had some f***ing shit gods.

I mean they were making them up pretty much left right in the centre. I think maybe, it could be that, I mean he is from, maybe he's just a descendant from one of those slow ranking ancient Greek diodes and people of Vanuatu have picked up on this. Pretty self-loathing, Troy, of any way. Thanks, Phil, for all your emails, including from... Quite a few this week about people who have been binge listening to the bugle, including someone who appeared to be doing it whilst safety checking a military helicopter over two long, long weeks. We will not give any further details of that for fear of

provoking a major sacking or some kind of court martial or even a war. But let's hope for the best. I guess assuming this helicopter doesn't crash, then we can assume that the bugle also contributes to air safety amongst its many other renowned medicinal properties. Do keep your remarks coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. And do keep coming to my Southern Hemisphere shows. There's an extra day in Melbourne on the 27th of March now.

And hopefully we'll confirm in the next day or two, a gig in Wellington on the 15th of March during an added bit of New Zealand action. So I will tweet the links and put, so to get linked up, on the website, thebuegelpodcast.com. Until next time, bubblers, thanks for listening, and goodbye. Bye. Thank you.