The Bugle - Bugle 290 – Love Letters

Episode Date: March 13, 2015

It's a letters special, featuring Spain, Iran and worried Buglers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Beewoodleers and welcome to issue 290 of the Beewoodle, the audio newspaper for

a visual world that has chartered the evolution of the planet Earth, and its most famous species human beings since 2007. I'm Andy Zoltzman, to you from Hamilton, New Zealand. If New York is the city that never sleeps, then Hamilton is the town that never fully wakes up, occasionally mumble something in coherent and then just starts snoring and dribbling again. But from that city, that never sleeps and isn't doing itself any long term good, but I'm not getting at least three or four hours a night of downtime.

It can't last New York, you're not a Margaret f***ing thatcher. It's the one man that's press-o-shot that keeps that sleepless city at least partly functional. It's the comedic caffeine, the satirical stimulants, the jolting Java himself, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello viewers, you're back upside down again Andy. You've been right side, upside down, right side, upside down, you've been locking an egg timer, a human egg timer. Can I put that on my poster? A human egg timer.

What was it like having blood in your head again? Oh it's awesome. I don't know. Just simply being in the Southern hemisphere is worth any psychotropic drug that you could care to name. So which games are you watching down there now? Well today I've been to New Zealand versus Bangladesh which obviously is a rivalry as old as time itself. I tell you what I won't be watching John and that is any England matches because England have been humiliatingly knocked out. And what is not only probably the low point in English cricket history,

but possibly the low point in the history of British civilization, we have been knocked out of a World Cup of Sports. We invented which we didn't spread to too many places to make sure we could always at least get to the quarter final. We have failed to get to the quarter final, John. We lost two Bangladesh and everyone the quarter final, John. We lost two Bangladesh and everyone else by humiliating margins. Although today we did beat Afghanistan in a glorious victory over a nation that didn't play cricket 15 years ago. It's, I mean,

it's hard dark times, John. Dark, dark times. So we invented, we invented the game, Andy. We should just take all the equipment with us So there's nothing for them to play with in the quarter finals Wickets what are I do? Stumps are all we have the intellectual property of the stumps and balls Yeah, I mean, it's like America losing to another nation Unnecessary spying on its own citizens. It is that bad John. It is that bad Tomorrow, I get a train to Wellington, the southern tip of the North Island. I've got my geeks there

on Sunday. Still a few tickets available for the 6 p.m. show, as there are for Adelaide on the 21st. As there are, in considerable numbers for these slightly over ambitious second extra shows in Sydney on the 25th and Melbourne on the 27th details at satrisd for hire.com on my train journey, John. I will pass through some classic New Zealand towns including Pukin and Akar, Kouri or Pakananozi, Belch and Wamaid Naguli. So it's going to be a fascinating journey through the beautiful island and there's some big news here in New Zealand this week, John, the government has just announced plans to flight the Kiwi,

the notoriously flightless national bird of New Zealand, the government's announced plans to affix 20% of all Kiwis to drones to give them the chance to feel what it's like to be a real bird. Prime Minister John Ki explained, after everything that Kiwi has done for New Zealand in terms of our global brand, we thought it was time to give something back, and it's symbolic, if the Kiwi can literally fly, that sends a message that any New Zealander can metaphorically fly, before he returned to dying his

hair and being accused of having different colour pubes by opposing politicians. That's what New Zealand is, John. It is politicians suggesting in Parliament that the colours do not match the cuffs. That is the height of politics in this glorious nation. This is people 290. We've now done the same number of pupils as the record number of consecutive screwed-up bits of paper thrown into a waste bin by a world leader in his or her office recently broken by the Norwegian Prime Minister Ernest Olberg, who got bored just because she has absolutely nothing to f***ing do as Prime Minister of Norway, breaking the record set by the notoriously indecisive President

Franklin Pierce of the USA in 1856, when he was trying to write a speech about ducks to give at a new Washington birth sanctuary. We're recording on Friday the 13th, and well, I mean this is a high risk bugle John to be recording on this most unlucky of all days. Did you know that more people are likely to die on Friday the 13th this year than died on any Friday the 13th in a 19th century? That cannot be coincidence. The power of this day is getting greater and greater. Here's an extraordinary quote from Donald Dossi, the founder of the Stress Management Centre and Fobie Institute in Asheville, North Carolina. Talking about Friday the 13th, it's been estimated that $800 or $900 million is lost in business

every Friday the 13th because people will not fly or do the business they would normally do. That's a lot of money, John, and you wonder why people do not respect or do the business they would normally do. That's a lot of money, John. And you wonder why people do not respect America as a nation anymore. It's not the decades of dubious foreign policy interventions and economic prong plonking. It is the fact that Friday the 13th, cost America almost a billion dollars every time it happens.

Of course, it's not an unlucky day. It's just Hulk-as-Pocus bullshit. It's just a normal, ah, ah, ah, ah, normal... AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! Shit, I've just electrocuted myself on a grape. What the fuck? Maybe they're something in it. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week. A free massage. We're not actually giving you a free massage, but we will advise you on where you can get one this week. Just lean on the rumbling engine of a bus in a traffic jam.

That section... in the bit. Top story this week. The last start of letter writing has been found. Now will someone please lose it again? It's the bugle letter round up. And there are so many forms of letter writing, love letters, ransom letters, letters of complaint and resignation, letters written calligraphy, green ink, blood, or just from letters of the alphabet cut out of magazines. Humanity is truly master of the art of physical correspondents, and of course, once you've mastered something, there's no greater thrill than completely destroying it. And let's begin with the fact that this week saw a spectacular letter written from Senator Tom Cotton and co-signed by 46 fellow Republican senators to the leaders of Iran.

And if you're thinking, why the fuck are they trying to strike up a pen-power relationship with the regime, they claim to despise? That is an entirely fair question. The letters seem to be designed to undermine the White House in their current nuclear negotiations with Iran, but I cannot for the life of me see who thought this would be a good idea, why they thought it was a good idea, or what the f*** they were thinking about when they were thinking it would be a good idea, because the tone in this letter lies somewhere between conspiratorial and breathtakingly patronizing.

At one point they suggest that Iran's leaders may not fully understand our constitutional system. They then attempt to describe that system, but in doing so, don't get things completely right. They claim in the letter that the Senate ratifies treaties, but that's not in fact true, members give advice and consent, but the president signs off. Now, that's a minor point, but it's the kind of minor point you really want to get right when you're lecturing foreign governments about constitutional intricacies. It's also a bit presumptuous to assume that the Iranian president would not understand the concept of term limits, especially because the Iranian president is himself term limited.

That's like trying to explain to a tortoise what living inside a shell is like. Ha ha ha. Iran has been unimpressively to the letter. It's supreme leader, hit back at the Republican senators, claiming he was worried because the United States was known for quotes backstabbing. And I think what this letter shows, John, is America is not just known for backstabbing. It is built into its very constitutional framework. And what

the Republican seem to be doing here is not merely stabbing Obama in the back, but stabbing him in the back whilst leaning round the front and saying to his face, I am stabbing you in the back. It is truly extraordinary politics. Ayatollah Ali Hamani, the ultimate authority on all Iranian matters of state, that is one catchy tagline, said at a meeting that whenever negotiations made progress, the Americans became like a pair of 1920s underpants. So he didn't actually say that he used the words harsher, tougher, and corsa. So he didn't actually say that he was the words harsher, tougher and corsa. At some very old Spanish letter news now, and the Spanish government has ruled that a letter written by Christopher Columbus to his son in 1498 cannot leave Spain, the aristocratic Albert dynasty has been trying to sell the document to raise money for its vast

collections of old shit. But the court has ruled it cannot leave Spain if only they're done the same with Columbus himself in 1492. The world might be very different place today. Be very different for you John, you'd be hosting a TV show in Madrid. The letter has been valued at 15 million pounds. There are rumors that Real Madrid are interested in purchasing the letter for 35 million pounds Not exactly how they're going to use the letter, but I'm sure they'll find a spot for it But the cultural ministry have blocked the sale of the letter because the letter is quote an intrinsic part of Spain's national heritage But it's very hard to quantify these things, John. I mean if the letter was sold no doubt there will be people across the notoriously

tasty nation stumbling to work thinking, oh no, the House of Alba has sold that letter. It now has only 20 of its 21 letters written by Columbuslet. I just don't know who the f**k I am anymore. Am I Spanish? What is Spain? Why am I eating so many little things on plates when I could be eating two or three big things on one big plate, like everyone else? I just don't feel the urge anymore to ride around in tomatoes, let alone go to bolt a death in front of a crowd. What am I doing on this planet? Sure, I'll still chuck a donkey off a church if it needs doing, but I'll give the failed horse a parachute, the useless beast of suffers enough, suffered enough, and I just don't know what Spain means. Columbus of course, one of the defining figures in Spanish history, although he was of course

Italian who explored for team Spain on a big money contract, then one of them helped young Spanish explorers coming through to get into the top jobs and it's very much like modern they've British football but more so and for a discernible purpose. At the same time, John, once you open that damn, that cultural damn, and let things leave, where will it end? Once the damn is open as the old saying goes, all the dolphins are going to swim through it. To free them, and if Spain flogs off, Chrissy Columbus is let it to his son, where will it end? Within a few years, they will have flogged off the Alhambra to do by, and Pedro Al Morderva will be making tourism adverts for Abu Dhabi.

And we have very much the same problem in Britain. We have to fight to hang on to our great Peters of Cultural Heritage, the path and our marbles. Leonardo da Vinci is the Virgin of the Rox, the royal Koei nor Diamond, still adorning the Queen Mother's Crown, long after the Queen Mother herself ceased adorning the concept of being alive. All these things have crucial importance to our national identity. More so than, for example, the railways, the energy sector, the media, and airports. and airports. We can do it without them, but we cannot do without a stolen diamond in a dead woman's hat without losing our entire concept of Britishness. The late Duchess of Albert, owned vast amounts of things like this, John including an art collection, including paintings by Frankie the Palette man Goia and Diego Velasquez,

the golden easel himself, a first edition of Don Quixote by Mickey Savantes, the self-styled Danielle Steele of early 17th century Spanish literature, Christopher Columbus' first map of America and the last women testament of Ferdinand the Catholic, when that is a real showstopper at dinner parties. He was the father of Catherine the arrogant or as Henry VIII came to know her, cranky cate. So she owned all these things to this duchess, she must have been fucking hard to buy Christmas presents for. A coffee-table book of pictures of the earth from space, whoopie-fucking-shit-a-dee-do, I've got Columbus' first map of America, I think I'll look at that instead. Stick it on the pile with the book of classic motorbikes you got me last year, thought I haven't

read because I've been too busy telling everyone that my copy of Don Quillotty is 400 f***ing years old which coincidentally is the same number of f***ing years since Mickey Savannah's wrote the f***ing thing. Next, oh a novelty apron with a body of Da Vinci's Vitruvian man on it, I'm pretty sure I own the original of that, maybe I don't want reflection, I cannot remember because I'm too busy looking at all my Velasquities. Oh look, that's a good one. He was really f***ing good at painting. It's time now for a bugle Q&A. Once again you've sent in your questions on Twitter and we've said ourselves that very much as your now satirical, political, personal agony on.

So a role we've been really destined for ever since birth. And some very, very searching questions came in including this from, uh, Dan J. Webster, who asks, what is the appropriate number of kitchens to have in your house? Should I feel kitchen envy that I only have the one? Well, that, that really depends, that depends what century you're in, doesn't it? Really, you know, if you're, if you're going to take the down abbey approach to that, then you need multiple kitchens to separate the class contained in the house. So it

depends whether you live in a classless society or not. You very much need big kitchen for the peasants to service you in, and luxury kitchen upstairs, basically ornamental. Yep, well, I mean, I think in many ways it's good to have this kind of envy, because envy is very much the pistol engine of capitalism without us thinking I want that shit,

but we would all grind to a steaming halt. This came in from at Come On Ace, who asks, John, if you were to rank global leaders on the basis of the likelihood that Vladimir Putin will assassinate them, who do you think would be at number one? Well, I think anyone in Ukraine really has, should have a justified sense of panic whenever they hear a Russian actions on the TV phone or especially in the room. They do have to be pretty high up. But unless he just gets a bit creative and just test the water by bumping off the president of Burundi or something just to see

what he can get away with. I think the possibility is that he might assassinate himself just to see how he reacts to it. I feel he might be reaching that level of boredom with his own provocations. This came from the metal hipster. It's a very very important question this, you might be able to answer it John. The question is, what is the circumference of Andy Zoltzman's head. This, I'm not sure it's ever been circumnavigated, has it, Andy? You need a 13th century span, you need a wooden ship to do it. Well, I'm not sure you can measure it anyway, do it? They can't measure the circumference of my head. It's not a distance, it's a concept.

You can feel it. You cannot put a numerical value on the circumference of my head. And I resent the implication that you even think it's possible, the metal hipster. John, this comes from Act Tim Lawrence, who asks, will you appear in the televised leaders' debates and if not, why not? Which televised, what's he talking about? Well in the run-up to the general election in the country that you used to be a citizen of. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you. I'll laugh for you.

Sure, I'll happily appear. Can I do a song in the middle of it? Well I think I might spice things up a bit. I mean you've got a lot of influence in television these days. I think, you know, David Cameron won't appear on it. You could appear as his official sponsor. I think that, in fact, I could win the election for the Tories, I think. Tim also asks, could sledging the opposition in pun form improve the England cricket teams results? Well, because, well, for those, those for non-cricket efficient auto

sledging is the noble art of abusing the living f*** out of opposition players in an attempt to distract them and make them fail. Well, sure, but you know, sledging in that sense and sledging in the other sense might improve it as well. You know, sledging, getting a sledge and hurtling down a hill and trying to smash into the opposite. Anything would improve the England cricket taste performance.

Would it? Self-harm would improve it. Eating a pizza would improve it. Yes. I'm not sure anything can make it worse. Now that is nothing could make it worse, John. Not absolutely, absolutely. Not absolutely absolutely. And we are good at sledging. The Lizzy Arnold recently won a World Championship in the skeleton.

So we are literally better at sledging. This came in from Rawls, who asked, will the bugle be sued by Marvin Gaye's estate? John did once on a bugle thing, let's get it on. So I don't remember that particular one, but I do tend to blank these things out for psychological purposes. Well I'm guessing they won't because you know, unlike for real, I sang a Marvin Gaye song and I think probably attributed it to Marvin Gaye or at the very least didn't claim that I'd written it. So I think that's probably the legal distinction there. That is the key difference.

That also with blurred lines, I'm obviously big in the news this week. They actually copied the video as well from the original video of Perry Como's magic moments, which featured nude women and a stuffed dead sheep. So, of course, it was a 1950, so it was never fully broadcast. Death to the West asks, that's a striking Twitter handle, how can I convert my friends and family to communism? Well, you know, there's some historical lessons there.

Usually that's probably suppressing your friends of family violently over a series of decades. Yeah, it's not really converting them, it's forcing them, that's really how it works. And then seizing their property from them in the under the guise of collectivizing. There is a blueprint, but it does involve a lot of blood. Alternatively you could just get them a job in 1950s Hollywood and they will automatically become

communist. That's probably the way it worked, isn't that. Is that still happened, John? When you've used to spend a bit of time in show with. I'm sure that over in LA if I mean Yeah, that's right. If you feel yourself if you say no to any note that anyone gives you they'll say what are you a communist with a glinter there? Caroline James asks I've got an ice skating date tomorrow What should I wear to look attractive whilst minimizing my chances of breaking a bone? Now I'm sorry, I've had a tough question now, I mean that's a strange date for me, the ice skating date. I mean, sequence. It's a suit of armour. So yeah, a sequence of armour.

There's simply a not enough sequence of armour. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art.

That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art.

That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. That's a lot of art. And also it does also depend on how attractive you are to start with, I guess, whether you want to go with the full medieval helmet or not. But anyway, best of luck. Do report back on whether your ice skating date in a full suit of armor proves romantically successful. Now this one comes from the real SO Neil who asks, can dogs look up? Can dogs look up. Can dogs look up? What was that question? Can dogs look up? Yeah, dogs look up.

Yeah, I don't know if that's could do it. Yeah, physically dogs can look up. That is that's something they could have just Googled or just stood above a dog and made a noise. Right. stood above a dog and made a noise. Right. It could be that this man's dog is dead and it just wants some indirect way of confirming this. But I mean, you have a dog, and you've noticed it definitely... Yeah, she looks up.

Yeah, she definitely... All right. She definitely looks up when there's something above her she wants. Or just out of just looking at her. Yeah, she's... She looked up repeatedly across her lifespan suffer and I imagine she'll continue to do it. It's definitely, that's definitely a weapon in her arsenal is looking up. It's up there with barking.

Right. Okay, I think you might be mixing Sean, we might be mixing dogs up with carpets, which of course always look down. This comes from Bo Jacobs. How is Margaret Thatcher doing in heaven? Did Sean, did he stop typing there? Did he say can dogs look up things on the internet? Because that's a more difficult question. Yes, um,

mostly just pictures of sort of human saying sausages I think. So what was the next question? Yeah, so Bo Jacobs asks, how is Margaret Attachia doing in heaven? I guess that depends how effectively she's hiding. Yeah, I was gonna say if she's there she's doing fucking well frankly, and she's just got to be happy with it this comes from Josie Bobzki who asks why have you not addressed the Dwight Howard penis grab Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about are you familiar with the Dwight Howard penis grab John? I'm not familiar with that all right Are you familiar with the Dwight Howard penis grab John? I'm not familiar with that. Alright. Alright, okay.

Well, I'll do some, we're only just, this one only just came in. So I'm not gonna type Dwight Howard penis grab into Google and um... You're gonna deal with the consequences of that. I'm gonna deal with the consequences of that and the any legal cases that may arise. Oh Dwight Howard grabbed his teammates penis, that's the first thing that comes up. He's a... It appears he grabbed Isaiah Canaan's penis.

Very much. Who is Dwight Howard John? I mean that was that George a game a bit of It does does look It does look like him it might have been I mean that I mean in terms of so what sport does he play Dwight Howard? I'm a play basketball. I don't see there's maybe he just found a loophole that that's not technically a foul You can grab another player's penis Join the game to get leverage right I'm not I've not played as much basketball as you don't need tell me. I mean is that is that strategically valid the the penis grab

I guess it depends if you want the person not to jump as high So I mean it but it's not something you do for your team mate. Obviously what is the tactical advantage of... Yeah. I mean why would you grab your own team mate? Maybe you're trying to fling him higher like in rugby at the line-out. Maybe you're trying to help him up. Well kind of slingshot him round your head.

That's possible. I'm basketball players notoriously have extremely elastic members. So, I mean, it is possible that this was some attempt at a, at a, at a sort of a high-almary magic shot in the, in the last few seconds of a game. Anyway, thanks for bringing our attention to that, Josie Bobzky. And we'll finish on, on, on this one. It comes from a Siri GAMP, namely actors who will play each of you in the eventual bugle film uh... vindiesel for me and they always vindiesel

oh i wanted diesel uh... i think i'd go for i don't think of someone who's most most like me uh... spiritually and physically. Oh, probably, I think I'll probably have to go for a Scarlet Johansson. Very much pees in a physical pod for me and S.J. So, Chris, you probably want Merrill Street, don't you, Chris? Just do... Yeah, maybe Merrill me I'll quite like lies in my nelly for me as well Well that would be great. I actually Well, there is actually a couple more we should we should probably address Stephen Buckley asked on a scale of one to ten What is your favorite color of the alphabet? Just like that collection of words I just like that collection of words. What's the question?

On a scale of one to ten, what is your favourite colour of the alphabet? Colour of what? Colour of the alphabet. You can't write. Colour of the alphabet. Yeah, I think he's gone in direct on to this. I think if you read it back, he's having a bit of a worse there. He's having a bit of fun or possibly calling in a terrorist strike.

We don't know that could be co. And finally, Amira Ames asked, should I get a bugle tattoo? Oh God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, millennia to come your embalmed corpse will be dug up and people will look upon the cartoon images of me and John and think that you must have been some form of God or King. So I'd say get it. So thank you very much for your questions for the bugle Q&A. Do keep your emails coming into info at the buglepodcast.com. Don't forget to check out our soundcloud.page.soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Sport now and we got knocked out the f***ing World Cup, John. Oh, God. It's, uh, it was the English worst ever cricket World Cup campaign, which is a very hotly contested title. Along alongside, for example, most ostentatious dictator, my worst ever gig, lease necessary film sequel, nothing personal

John, and dead is teradactyl. I've just kept making the same mistakes, the same kind of outdated tactics. And as I said, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, well, smacking yourself with the plums with the watermelon, or something along those lines, or doing the same thing again and expecting Abraham Lincoln to come back from the dead and sort things out. But basically England did exactly the same thing. There was one period in this game with Bangladesh when they needed to keep scoring in a decent rate, but they got very defensive. And they played out lots of balls with no runs, that's basically a point for American listener score. And when a ball is scored with no run, it's described as a

dot ball, that's how it's marked in a scorebook. And at one point there were three dots in a row and then a further four dots, so dot dot dot dot dot dot dot, then two more dots. And then a player had a bit of a flash at the ball, you might call a dash of a shot. So it was basically dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dash. And in Morse code, that's spelled shit. And that was very much the summary of England's glorious Cricket World Cup campaign. That is it for this week's Bugle. We will hopefully you back next week, or it may indeed be the start of the Bugle Easter Break for this week's Bugle. We will hopefully you back next week or it may indeed be the start of the Bugle Easter break for this year. Thanks for

much for listening. Do come to my kitchen Wellington this Sunday for you listen to this in time or in Australia details at satristhahire.com and send in your satirical demands to satirize this at satristhahire.com and the Australian President, Prime Minister Tony Abbott, your old friend John, is giving plenty of ammunition at the moment. There was a comment he made really basically suggested that Aboriginal Australians living far away from cities is a lifestyle choice and that they cannot expect states benefits. It's almost like the man is trying to

become so much of a that Australia re-elects him just to see what he does next. He's truly extraordinary so I'm sure there'll be plenty of abbots at the gigs. Until next time, you're gonna thank very much for listening from the wrong side of the world. Goodbye. Bye!