The Bugle - Bugle 291- Resistible force versus movable object

Episode Date: April 24, 2015

John celebrates being on the same list as Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin and The Bugle gives it's take on the British election campaign so far. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers! And welcome to issue 291 of the Bugle for the Weekending Friday the 24th of April 2015 with me. And his ultimate, and joining me from the Cili-Side Atlantic in New York City, is the last remaining thread that keeps the Moth Eaton woolen underpants of the transatlantic special relationship from completely unraveling. It's the police sergeant of political shenanigans, the detective chief inspector of Dickbag, Charlottes and Idiots.

It's superintendent Satah himself, the one man comedic Colombo that is John Oliver. Put your hands behind your back and walk away from the punch line. Hello Andy. Hello, Buugles. Andy, this week was a strange one for me. Put your hands behind your back and walk away from the punch line. Hello Andy. Hello, Buugles. Andy, this week was a strange one for me. I was, for best reasons, no to them. Named one of Time Magazine's

100 Most Influential People in the World, which is clearly terrible news for Time Magazine, people, the world in general, and the concept of influence. My presence on that list, Andy, is a canary in the coal mine for the planet Earth, and that canary is dead, and he didn't die recently. The best, the best byproduct of this honorary abomination is the fact that on Tuesday night,

I'm not to attend a dinner for the names on the list. Now, not all the other night on people with Air Andy, and I'll tell you why, because two of the people on the list will have Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un. So, both of those, you have to say names still make more sense being on that list than mine **** does, but that's not the point. The point is it's a shame, because I very much would have liked to be sitting between them at dinner, functioning as the very bemused feeling in an extremely angry sandwich. It was a strange night, perfectly and inexplicably cat-part performance from Kanye West, who performed like a man who not only felt comfortable being named one of the hundred most influential people, but who also assumed that he was number one.

After watching him in Action Andy, I think in terms of just self-confidence, I may be the anti-caneo West, the anti-easy, if you will. His wife is of course Kim Kardashian and in a moment that I can only describe as brief. She was walking past me and a photographer asked for a photo of us together. She's gesting with her hand for me to come in with a demure wave that I've only ever previously seen on the Queen. At events she had no interest being at. The photographer took one single photo and at the moment of the flash I was thinking, this is not an image the world needs. Now I haven't seen a photo yet Andy but if anyone ever does that is the thought behind my confused eyes. It was to put it mildly Andy a strange evening. So I was so so named one of the hundred most influential people

living on my road in Stretem so it's been a pretty big week for both. What it means that means that means as much Andy both both of those things are entirely subjective. This is a bugle 291, 291, of course, the ultimate best of total in the coin toss series held by Hillary Clinton, where deciding whether or not to run for president again, when she went 146, 145 up, her mind was made. Also, 291, the number of turkeys who voted for Christmas, the last time such a referendum was held, that was back in 1968, only 248 voted against Christmas. So Christmas remains to this day. The rest of the world's estimated 350 million turkeys either didn't register to vote or pick their ballot papers to pieces, so they can't complain about the results.

And we're ending 24th of April 2015. I that means it's 25,000 years to the day since a caveman inadvertently invented breakdancing whilst trying to manoeuvre his way quickly out of a slightly undersized cave whilst avoiding being bitten by a pack of scorpions. So, historic day. So how was your happy birthday, John? Well, thank you. That's the most historic anniversary of this week, 23rd, on the show. On the show, right, for 1977. The world was introduced to both Mr. John Oliver and Mr. John Cena.

The two sides of the same coin for me. Is he the same age as well? Exactly the same year, John. Yeah. Wow. Wow. And he became the world wrestling federations champion of the world.

And then there's also me. Yeah. We've taken different paths with our life. Here's a path of physical dominance. Mine is a path of relentless apologizing. Correct. Did you, were you tempted to try and pretend that the time hundreds most important people in the world party

was actually your birthday party? And this is just your standard... Standard guest list? Yeah, sure, sure. That's right, I've whispered in a couple of people's ears, of course, it's my birthday in two days. And, um, they was pretend to hear Norton look over my shoulder and move on to someone more interesting. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week a special

historic wearable tech section as we've had the long awaited launch of the Apple Watch. It's amazing to think John that for 150,000 years now our species has been waiting for a device small enough to wear on our wrists, but finally spares us the logistical tyranny of having to carry around a device small enough to fit in our pockets. So I can only say on behalf of Humanity, thank f*** for the Apple watch. It's a massive step forward for the watch. The Apple watch has a battery that lasts, check this for an entire day. No tedious winding, this baby up every two or three minutes, like with an old-star mechanical watch that had broken, but you couldn't bring yourself to throw away for sentimental reasons.

No tedious having to replace the battery every two, three or four years, not with the all-new Apple Watch. You just need to charge it once every 24 hours and always carry your iPhone with you. This is a massive step change in watch tech. It has a digital touch feature that allows users to tap their watch face to send customisable buzzes to their friends wrist or even transmit their heartbeats in real time. And I mean, in terms of social media, this, this is huge. And I'm going to be able to keep your friends up to date, with whether or not your heart is still beating.

Oh, no, I think Eric might be dead. Either that's who you already forgot to take his phone with in Better Call, and undertake a just in case. Of course, there's a very great danger in tech like this not working. We'll investigate that. They reckon half of all ISIS recruits are just people who set their satnav wrong and ended up driving to Homs instead of home. And they're already stories of a man who spent three years

in a swimming pool just because he didn't get a Google alert to get out, but ended up growing gills and marrying a turtle, so it wasn't all bad. We reported previously on the bugle, on Apple's development of the Apple Eyeball, that's still on course, replaced all human eyeballs by the year 2028. In the state and in the sweet war also reviewing other wearable tech

that is soon to hit the shops, including the Samsung Cervat, modeled on the 19th century gentleman's Neco-era of choice. The Samsung Cervat receives real-time updates from absolutely everything. And when news breaks that require your attention at a lurch, you buy constricting around your neck to slightly as fixate you. Warning on fast news days, make-alls fatal strangulation. We also look at the Motorola SOC. The must have tech-essery for today's fitness-obsessed fanatic, the Motorola SOC, which can be

fitted on either a medium-term or permanent basis. This is programmed to bleep every time you put your foot on the ground. So you can keep real-time track of whether or not you're moving and if so, how fast. And the hypersok sends instant updates to your Facebook page, so everyone can see whether you're walking jogging, sitting around or fleeing for your life. And there are plans in place to provide free motorola socks to anyone who lives within three miles of an active volcano. So when more than 30% of those where a simultaneously start sprinting scientists will know the volcano

is most likely erupting. And also we review the Nokia Prince Albert, the highest tech penile piercing in human history. The NPA will automatically alert your French term toysleur de masseur with a series of customisable buzzes to keep you and your Wang fully up to date with all the latest goings on in the world of news, finance and sport. Whenever you see the email, tweets, Instagram, product release, carrier pigeon message, or stock market updates, the NPA will inform you by mildly electrocuting your, as the Germans call it, flesh and guttruppersplout.

It will buzz 200% more vigorously if that communication comes from a person or commercial organisation that you secretly fancy and it is fully compatible with Tinder. That section in the bin. Top story this week. UK election news Britain's prepared to go to the polls or not, many, many will not go, many won't go, many are preparing not to do it. And as you know far better than I, the UK general election takes place in just two weeks. There's been almost no coverage of it here and that's understandable because the US media

is too invested in their own election, which is taking place just around the corner, albeit that that corner is over 18 fucking months away. But I can only imagine the excited mood over there and in fact, let me imagine it now. Is it a mixture of forced anticipation combined with resentment and pessimism? Because that's the inspirational atmosphere that I remember.

It's pretty much the... I would say this is simultaneously the most and least eagerly awaited election in living memory that there is a kind of mixture of total uncertainty as to what is going to happen and complete an utter resignation over whatever the outcome finally is. Well, that's the interesting theory because this election may genuinely go down to the wire. I believe the current polling has both the conservatives and the Labour Party at 34% with any advantage well within the margin of error. It could be a photo finish, Andy.

And if so, it would really be the John Oliver and Kim Kardashian, first of a photo finish. Two people, Nick and Nick, who in an ideal world would not be the next leader of a country. Although, the closest of this election is in many ways what makes it so interesting. And it also could be what makes it problematic. Because under the UK system, the election could end up with a hung parliament, which I believe is called that because MPs would just hang around all day getting absolutely nothing done. Is that a fair reflection Andy of what the system would turn into?

Yeah, that's basically it. Politics has found itself in the public eye and whenever that happens, the public basically just attempts to goug its own eyeball out with any available implemented but just sticking broach pins into its iedipastar just anything to stop them having to look politics directly in the face what we've got here is a massively unpopular government versus an equally unpopular opposition the completely resistible force against the easily movable object it is a thrilling class jump thrilling as you say the, the polls have scarcely moved at all for the whole campaign, despite the party throwing

all their hard earned and not particularly hard earned cash at the problem. And when I say cash, this is not cash in the way that cash is thrown at an American election. John, I mean, I think the sums involved in British elections, I don't think any American candidate would even break wind for, frankly. It's incredible.

In Britain, all registered parties are restricted to their spending for the entire year before an election. They can spend up to £30,000. I can't even say this without laughing. There are only £1,000 for each seat they contest, which adds up to around £19.5 million if they fight every constituency. That, Andy, is adorable. Political parties here spend that on their balloon budget.

Just balloons that in no way counts any confetti cannons. That is extra and a lot extra. The last UK election in 2010 cost in total 84.6 million pounds to administer. That's it. In America Andy, I'm pretty sure we spend that much staging half a WrestleMania. Well, that was a really fact, but they reckon the current USL, can we call it current yet? The current US election comes in. And you can be referring to all elections, because they just don't stop now. For the rest of time. And I do think the way that American campaigning is going, by 2028, all it will involve is one Democrat and one Republican, standing six inches away from each other,

screaming in each other's faces until one of them falls over and a winner is declared. But six billion I think they're expecting this one to cost the 2016 election. But I mean you might think that is a lot. Every year America spends seven point nine billion dollars on Halloween. So yeah. But I think that is simultaneously both extremely uplifting and completely fundamentally terrifying. There's already a great deal of scaremongering over what a hung parliament would actually mean. The Conservative Party have argued that it's potentially a lot worse than getting nothing done. It's Scottish people getting a saying things.

And to the Conservative Party, Andy, giving Scottish people a representational voice in democracy is like giving a horse an eye pad. It just makes no sense. They have no idea what to do with it, and they'll probably break the thing completely, so no one else can use it. Well, it's the first rule of electoral politics, John. When the guy gets tough, the tough get bullshitting, and a survey of Britain's leading scare mongering firms revealed that I think 72% of all scares in the average five-year political

cycle are mungered within three weeks of a general election. And most of them in the past week have involved the apocalyptic scenario, some form of possible labor Scottish national party deal after the election, warnings of disasters, chaos, even coups, John. It's been a while since we had a proper coup in this country, and that ended up with a monot with his head on a spike. So it's reached the point where our politicians are no longer bothering to encourage people to vote for what they want, but try to frighten them into voting against what they most

don't want. And short of David Cameron dressing up in a white sheet and trying to haunt people through their bedroom windows with spooky economic projections is hard to see how much more childish it can get if you're a democracy fan. The Tories are warning that we're all doomed if Labour and the SNP team up, Labour's warming that we're all doomed, if we talk about how we might be all doomed. While the SNP continues to spread, it's terrifying apocalyptic scare stories of investment in public services, building long overdue houses, trying to keep pensioners warm enough not to die, and above

all, the truly world-ending scenario of letting women have a go at frontline politics. It's absolutely terrifying, John. People can barely sleep in this country at the moment. There are a few little details of the UK election. I thought, well, I would worth mentioning. One of my favorite things, each election, is where people get a chance to vote. Because polling stations in Britain

can be basically anywhere. Electural rules state that they should be just accessible, identifiable, and provide the all-important privacy for voters. They should also be the right size to make the needs of the local electorate and allow a queue of people to flow through. And that's pretty broad, and that's a good thing, because at least a vote's been cast

in some wonderful demonstrations of electoral eccentricity. In the village of Little Bardfield, votes will be cast at the Cricket Club Pavilion, Andy. Yeah. And that is a pretty English sequence of words. Voting in a Cricket Pavilion in a village called Little Bardfield, could not get any more English without having Charles Dickens

turn up and throw an orphan at you. But it doesn't stop there. Are the polling stations will be set up with the East Hull Boxing Club and at the Swerve Table Tennis Centre in Middlesbrough. You can also vote in pubs, which means you can vote and get a simultaneous point at the Dolphin in Gilliam, the Red Line in Belchemperotten and at the elephant castle in Rochester among many many others. And if they set up a polling station inside your local pub and you still don't vote, at that point I think everyone needs to accept voting is just not for you.

It's not your thing. I've been to Gilligan John, I used to go more to football there and frankly you are going to need a stiff drink before voting there because that is a town that democracy and progress has forgotten. The only thing that could make that process better is if the barman himself takes your vote along with your order. Thanks Tony, can I get two points a bit? A vote for Theresa May and a packet of pork scratchings please. Actually forget the vote for Theresa, I'll just get a third point instead.

But when it comes to luxury voting, Andy, if you really want to make a day of your democratic duty, you have got to head down to the polling station at the Royal Chase Hotel in Shaftesbury. Why? I'll tell you why, Andy. It has a spa and an indoor swimming pool. That's why vote with hope in your heart

and a pair of cucumbers over your eyes. That's what the ancient Greeks had your heart and a pair of cucumbers over your eyes. That's what the ancient Greeks had in mind. Although for sheer convenience, you can't go wrong with, and this is true, the Aislawn Dret on Gurdleston Road in Oxford. They will once again be a registered polling station Andy, vote till it hurts while we clean your shirts. It's not the slogan there, but frankly a f***ing should be. But finally, for the intimate personal experience, a boutique voting station, if you will,

look no further than the home of Peter and Christine Hodgkinson in Rochdale, who for the last four decades have turned their cottage dining room into an election booth. Peter Hodgkinson said, because of the area that we live in, a lot of people come and we have a natter because we do not see them one year to the next, so it's like a social gathering. So there you go, just pop round Peter and Christine's and vote and they'll natter at you. Amongst the Tory scare stories about the Miliband Sturgeon conjunction, which ironically was the name of a medical condition that interwar's Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin suffered from in the 1930s, he could barely sit down at times, was David Cameron,

the professional Prime Minister and no-time general election winner, described as a match made in hell. Now I'm starting to think John that hell might be slightly losing its edge. this is the best it can produce a slightly fractious potential negotiation between two political parties on the same side of the political spectrum. Beating that was an article by London Mayor Boris Johnson in the telegraph in which he said talking about the prospect of allowing the SNP power in Westminster, he said, you wouldn't get King Herard to run a baby farm, would you? And, well no, you wouldn't, Boris, because well for a start, Herod has been out of the baby game for quite a long time. He probably wouldn't be any good at it anymore.

Modern farming techniques have moved on from 2000, or years ago, when you just had to do a humane colour every now and again. But besides, John, if you are going to run a baby farm, which generally pretty much frowned on by most legal systems around the world, the very last thing you want is a high-profile celebrity appointment that is going to get you a lot of press coverage. You want to keep it out of the spotlights. It might be a heartwarming story of how former celebrity biblical firstborn slayer and king Herod has found redemption growing babies on a farm, but just keep f**king stumb about the f** fucking baby farm. It is at best unlikely to get an EU subsidy and he continued to say can someone tell me why in the name of all that is holy that there are some apparently rational people who are contemplating the elevation of the Scottish National Party to a position of

effective dominance in the government of the United Kingdom and entity that they are sworn to destroy. Well I can tell you why that is Boris, is because those apparently rational people you have such disdain for are the voting public of Scotland and the reason that they want to destroy the UK is because people like you keep telling them they cannot be trusted with a voting pencil. So it's a fascinating election. The SNP said to get a lot of seats around 8% of the seats in Parliament from about 4% of the national vote whilst the less than charming UK independence party and

the green party between them could get about 18% of the vote and less than 1% of the seats and what I guess all this screams is that our electoral system simply does not work. is that our electoral system simply does not work. ["Future Section"] Google Features section now, and it's St George. It was on your birthday, John. Of course, coincides with St George's date, the day of our national patron saint. You share your birthday with him, and yet you still abandon

your country in his hour of need. So, yeah, well done. Well, if that's what it takes to get in the time, time to talk 100, I'm not interested. I'm bad at my country, Andy, in a lasting time of indifference. We were hoping that St George is going to come on the show today, but his PR person said he might not be able to make it, as he was sadly martyred in the year 303 A.D. after refusing to worship a non-Christian god. But he's a great symbol for the modern British establishment, he's from a well to do family and he's eligible for non-dom tax status. But it's interesting looking at the different versions of the St George story. Version 1 of his dragon slaying legend is that Villagers tried to distract a dragon

so they could reach the spring for which they got all their water. They distracted the dragon initially by feeding its sheep. And then when they run out of sheep, they started feeding it instead, young women, maidens basically. And you have to think, was that really the best plan B? I mean that does show how much it is a man's world job. I'll drag it on eating his sheep today any other ideas Yes, maidens. What about cow's no maidens? I reckon he much prefer maidens pigs no East Jewish Jewish dragon Yeah, they mostly are given maidens. Not maidens kosher. Yes, there's only they don't live in a shell. I've got the barbecue on

Now the maidens were drawn by lots, apparently, called into the story. No one batted an eyelid, Mrs. Pankhurst, did you die in vain? Until a princess was drawn out by lots, and then and only then did St. George spring into action. So this is classic British behavior, obsessed with the monarchy and prioritising the upper classes. He is the best patron saint. We people complain that he's not, he never came to England and also that he's spread himself pretty thin. He's listed on Wikipedia as patron saint or joint patron saint of 13 countries, including f***ing Moldova. Could we not be doing better than this?

He's also the patron saint of skin disease sufferers and syphilis sufferers. That's just encouraging a benefit's culture. People sitting back and expecting St George to cure them rather than getting out there and curing themselves. Pain from pain of arches, which I guess might explain the government's attitude towards outdated military equipment. Other versions of the stories that he just hated all reptiles indiscriminately, flew into a rage when every saw anything even slightly scale. In the day he killed the dragon, he'd already slain an entire colony of 85 newts and even Neuro gecko in front of a room full of children.

Just happened to be passing by when he saw the dragon, jumped off his horse, sweetie I think it was called, he inherited it from his sister when she went off horse riding. Strip down to his Bermuda shorts and screamed at the dragon, you and me big lies, mano a mano before headbutting the confused beast to death, whilst it was midway through its morning snack of an onion and sesame seed bagel with cream cheese and maiden. Other suggestion is that it didn't actually happen, that it's all symbolic, that some George was a symbol of the church and the dragon stood for something not sure what, possibly birth control. And the other option is a Dispositive Spin on a slightly embarrassing story from 279 AD in which the future saint killed a drag queen.

Your emails now this one comes in from Yeppert in Denmark who says, I recently discovered that Pakistan is the only nation in the world that does not recognize Armenia as a country. They've never been to war or had any serious disputes. Pakistan just doesn't feel like recognising Armenia. If there's just something in a country can just choose, I don't want Denmark to recognise what used to be new Sweden and is basically a part of Delaware now. And it turns out there was a Swedish colony along the lower reaches of the Delaware River

from 1638 to 1655. Keep that fire burning! Jeppe, I hope we pronounce your name right. The official Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Armenia on its website says diplomatic relations between the Republic of Armenia and Islamic Republic of Pakistan are not established. Okay. I mean, are there any countries John that you just flatly do not recognise as existing? Well, and that is a mind, that's a different way of mind-field, Andy. I've been denying

to myself that Wales exists for a long time. Was that after a tough gig at Cardiff University? Yeah, Cardiff was always fine, Andy. Swansea was a battle. Oh, remember the battle in Swansea? I was there fighting by your side against the five foot four inch Alley G in person. I don't know if you're trying to do it. It was right nearly a physical battle. So if there's any countries that you think should not be

recognised, then we as a 12-dard yet Chris has got his head in his hands now. I see that in the Farajira of British politics, that is a dangerous road to go down. Yeah, the problem, the problem, Andy, is you are whacking a wasp nest with a big stick with this, but I would not throw this question out to Buculus because the whole world has a lot of opinions

over countries that shouldn't exist. And sadly, sadly, the answers are often very anti-Semitic. I don't think Andy officially finished that sentence, so we're all right. Yeah, I would give this as wider birth as possible. I think you must take a comic premise for a declaration of war here. It's always such a fine line. I'll go Australia, I'd probably go with that, just for the duration of the English cricketing summer. Anyway, do get your remarks coming into info at wgopodcast.com, or someone sent us in a picture of a poster for

Berlusconi the musical, which is probably the logical endpoints of all Western civilization. So, seen in the streets of Copenhagen, I said, very, very, very Denmark heavy letters section this week. Keep them coming to info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget to have a look at our SoundCloudPaid, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and you can get the bugle merch at thebugelpodcast.com. A quick update now on the bugle appeal Michelle and her family are now hoping that they will be going to Philadelphia in the extremely near future will have further updates hopefully within within a week or two and it's essentially been made possible largely by your donations bugles. So thanks very much for that and I I'll have more details, hopefully in the next couple of weeks.

So there will be a sub-bugle next week, and we will hopefully be back with a day after the election, bugle special in two weeks' time. In the meantime, to our British listeners, vote hard, vote often. You can't complain about both apathy and electoral fraud, it shows it shows it's just a commitment to the protests. So, I have good luck. Votes as often and as dishonestly as you possibly can, it is the British way. Until next time, bugleers, goodbye. Bye!