The Bugle - Bugle 293 – Slow cook democracy

Episode Date: May 29, 2015

Andy and John look at the runners and riders for the US elections and have a look at the chaos at FIFA Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bueglers and welcome to issue 293 of the Buegl Audio newspaper for a visual world

for the week ending Friday the 29th of May 2015. I'm Andy Salzman reporting exclusively for the Buegl from Londonly Spiritual Home of interest rate manipulation, proud to be a Londoner as always and in New York City the spiritual home of New Yorkers and their physical home as well in many cases it's the satirical screwdriver himself John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello bugleers and last week I did a gig for a benefit gig for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society very good organization. The problem was I had to go on a benefit gig for the Rikimi and Limfong society, very good organization. The problem was I had to go on a majorly after a leading cancer doctor telling the audience

about the work he was currently doing to treat patients and the research he was doing to cure diseases. He also just happened unhelpfully to look like a male model Andy and I have never felt like a bigger piece of shit as I walked onto the stage afterwards to tell some jokes oh I felt like a piece of shit multiple times before when walking on stage and also we're not walking on stage Andy I feel like a piece of shit now for instance but there is something particularly unforgiving about a side-by-side juxtaposition between a handsome cancer doctor and a non-hansome non non-cancer doctor and comedian walking onto a stage

implying, don't listen to him, listen to me, especially because in the cruelest twist of fate, the doctor was also fucking funny, Andy. So he was funny, handsome, and worked at your cancer. And on that evening, I can tell you, I was literally none of those things. So this is Bugle 293 Co. Incidentally 293, the number of plants ejected from this year's Chelsea Flower Show, the offences, the guilty plants, and committed range from cheating.

A clematist was caught injecting itself with an anabolic petal-enhancing steroid whilst a nastersham and a chrysanthemum were found naked in the same flowerbed, getting distinctly funky stymons and carpals all over the place, disgusting in front of the children as well. And a cherry tree was thrown out, that just when a medal for being really good at being a tree after it urinated on a dog, and what experts described as a revenge attack by a plant that was struggling to cope with its newfangled fame. The celebrity was unavailable for comment, but his room had to have been planted in Snoop Dogg's back yard.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. And John, there's been some sensational science on your side of the ponds. Scientists in Chicago have announced that levels of unconscious prejudice can be reduced by training the brain whilst asleep by playing its stuff to kill you of prejudice. This is a huge step forward for the world. I mean it does sound like bullshit, but this is a lot of general shit. It's not bullshit, John, it's science, admittedly that is a pretty fine line quite a lot of the time. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit.

Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit.

Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit.

Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. Your shit. While your babysitter to sit next your bed with a ghetto blaster whilst you sleep, and keep repeating the following at a soothing volume. Downdowns like a prick. Calm the fuck down about shit that's not your business. Those people who are a little bit different from you should really be a problem. People who believe in something that you do not believe in. there really is no actual need to kill them if you're right. Your Lord will strike them down for you, so chill out, kick back, and stop being a massive tool. This technology can cure all extremities of you and long-held prejudices, including racism, sexism, ageism, terrorism,

plagiarism, republicanism, baptism, shitbaggery and general non-specific swatish attitudes. Repeat nightly for 12 years, increase volume if not working. Yeah, I'm not sure that's going to have them wake up cured Andy, so much to have them wake up even angrier. I just think that is all Islamic state needs to wake up mid-argument. I think, oh that's where we've been going wrong with Islamic state, we don't need military threats. We just need some subconscious tapes to play overnight. Right, just some drones with some speakers on the bottom of them. Yeah, we've been using the wrong type of drones.

Yeah, we just need some droning on. And the drones need to literally drone. What sort of republicanism were you referring to as well? Oh, it's the medical type. Right, that's thought not to be kind of genetic. It's handed down through the generations. Top story this week, US election news. Andy, the last time we spoke, the UK was just coming to the end of it. It's truly grueling, five-week electoral campaign.

And like a marathon runner, you were all left buckled over and vomiting at the finish line. America of course prefers the slow cooking approach to democracy. And we here, currently in the midst of candidates, merely deciding if they're going to run for office or not, which is essentially a case of working out

how much money they think they can raise, writing that number down on a piece of paper, asking an expert, is that enough? And the expert then probably showing them how many zeros they need to add to the end of the number, and then leaving the candidate with a decision to make. Isn't democracy beautiful, Andy? American politicians have to plan their campaigns, very much like people plan weddings.

There's a lot of balloons, a lot of people you really don't want around. And at the end of the day, it's hard to justify the money you've just spent. This week has seen a few more names that announced that there'll be attending the 2016 electoral jamboree. So we thought we could give you a little update

of America's choices so far. And I warn you, the choices are not great. This is like when you sit down at restaurants, look over the menu and find yourself thinking, there is really nothing I want to eat here. I would leave, but I've already eaten a bread stick. And the waiter is telling me that I have to order something now. LAUGHTER Oh well, as you said, the candlestick's a jockeying position,

some on as yet imaginary horses. The whole thing, John, they're reckon is gonna cost five billion dollars. I mean, that seems like a lot, but that's only 16 pounds ahead for you Americans for a whole year and a half's worth of manipulative grandstanding and shameless self promotion. That has to be good value.

Well, if it was only a year and a half, that would be fine, Andy, but it's definitely not just only a year and a half. It's longer than that or it just feels that way but it's also longer than that. So we've had Rick Santorum who has launched himself and barely a day passes without some republican or other throwing his or her needlessly expensive hat into the already overcrowded and argumentative ring. Santorum has settled himself up and is riding himself to the start line.

I mean, what are the odds looking like for him, Joe? Because he ran last time, didn't he? He did. He's a conservative with a capital K and a Christian with very nearly three capital Ks. He came at second to Mitt Romney in 2012, but he is likely to come 15th till whoever wins the primary this time around.

His early move in his speech was not only to say that if he's president, America will defeat ISIS. With the implication really being that if he's not president, ISIS will conquer this country immediately. But he's also launched his campaign song, which is called Take Back America. And the song, Andy, like Sector of himself is absolutely appalling I'll give you a little taste of it now

I mean that's what? Is it what? Is it what? Unleash the pride. Just reiterating that point. Maybe this time, it is time for that. This is the way... ...change of the tide. Isn't it time?

And it's a fade out with a guy shaking a tambourine. All right, well I mean that's, I mean it's 45 seconds long but they pack a lot into that 45 seconds Andy. Well that does raise a few questions John, I mean what do they mean if I take back a merit, is it like some kind of disappointing shirt that no longer have a function that has to be returned when it's it came? That's all right, do you get a refund for America from the Founding Fathers. I don't know. That's the problem with the 42nd song. He's left a lot of room for interpretation,

and that's dangerous in politics. Unleashing the pride as well. I mean, that sounds like a bit of an about turn from his previously anti-gay marriage, positioning from 2012. Because he kind of positioned himself as the champion of voters who opposed abortion and gay marriage. You're kind of liberating hero to people who get unnaturally and inexplicably worked up about things other people are doing in their

own lives that have absolutely no impact on them. A kind of 21st century inverse gandy. Yeah, he will be running against a retired neurosurgeon, Ben Carson, who's a fully qualified doctor, and even full-qualified idiot, among other things, that people in prison turn gay. So that's a doctor, a doctor said that. Right. I mean, he said some true, I was reading about him this morning, he said some truly, truly extraordinary things, Carson. He claimed that allowing gay marriage

would lead to the acceptance of bestiality and pitophilia. That's a doctor. That's a doctor saying that. So is the obvious response is, no, it won't. Yeah. And there's absolutely no way that could possibly happen. Are you a doctor, Andy? Are you, are you a doctor? No, No, not doctor. And he said this, that point was that if you change the definition of marriage for one group, you'll have to change it for the next group and the next group to which again the other response is no, no, no, no, no, no, you might be a qualified neurosurgeon, but you are completely and deliberately misunderstanding what this is about. And you seem to misunderstanders that

marriage is consensual between you two human adults who can give consent to each other, whereas for example a horse cannot give consent to marrying a human. It can give consent to being given a sugar lump, it cannot give consent to marrying themselves to press for the legalisation of best your marriage through political campaigns. Nor even if they did, are people likely to think, yes, that seems fine, unless horses start eviluting a f*** of a lot quicker than they have been and start developing the concept of romantic love and getting your friends to buy you some crockery. It's, I mean, this is truly, he also previously compared a bummer, clearly affordable care act to slavery. I'm always getting them mixed up as well, John, because I don't live in America. Can you just remind me, I know one

involves helping people get access to medical care so they don't unnecessarily die and the other involves the dehumanizing subjugation and brutal exploitation and commoditization of a race of people over hundreds of years in one of the greatest scars on the intensively scarred moral flesh of civilization but I just cannot remember. I don't know. All I know is the Lincoln was against both of them, handy, that's all right. That's all I know. But yeah, it does say, for a neurosurgeon, he does often sound like he practiced a lot of neurosurgery on his own brain recently. Well, whilst using peanut butter as an anesthetic. There are, there'll also be going up against Texas Eneter, Ted Cruz.

And Andy, if you think there's nothing worse than Santoram's Take Back America song, then you haven't heard Ted Cruz's supporters rap song featuring lyrics such as, when power is concentrated centrally and federally It creates dependency. There's medically like leprosy Again, it's not it's not like that. It's not like that at all. It's called set it on fire And if you're wondering if I have a little bit of it for you Andy, then you shouldn't here it is Start slow. that's because like all hip hop you want a slow build, is it? Oh, oh, throw back to the 80s.

This is cool. You always want to hear Andy in a rap song. Reagan mentioned in the first eight bars. There you go. Medically like leprosy. You can't argue with something if it rhymes Andy. No, no, that's what, yeah. Fight the power. Well, I always thought Karl Marx made a mistake,

not writing the Communist manifesto in a series of limericks. Another interesting thing about Ted Cruz regarding a Barma care Andy, is that he wants spoke out against Abarmacare for 21 straight hours in the Senate, 21 hours Andy. Other people may have made better points. No one made longer points Andy. And that's, that is very much going to be the backbone of his campaign.

I mean, did he speak for 21 hours in the form of a rap? Or, I think so. And I'm guessing it sounded medically like leprosy. MC Philibuster is quite a good name actually. It's not bad. It's not terrible. That is true. Jeb Bush, he's not officially announced he's going to stand but when he is definitely going to stand isn't he? I mean you might think that his name is slightly tarnished by being the same name as one of the most nationally globally divisive presidents ever, and also his DNA being basically the same

and his Christmas card list. And if Bush wins, John, I think we can prepare for the distinctive sound of the entire world just deciding to hibernate for four years under the nearest available sofa. just deciding to hibernate for four years under the nearest available sofa. Obviously on the Democratic side, the big name is Hillary Clinton, who has been on a bus tour of the country, positioning herself as a relatable grandmother. The grandmother part is biologically true. The relatable part is biologically impossible, Andy. The biggest media storm around her campaign so far, aside from a mysterious loss of personal emails

from where she was sexually estate, was her eating a burrito at a Chipotle. That's it, Andy. That's what the media went nuts over. A hungry woman ordering a thing. Hey, Clinton, getting a burrito is very close to nothing, Andy. It's technically something, because it's a human eating food to survive.

But that's all it is. It's as much something as an owl taking a shit is something. That's technically something, but it barely seems worth bringing up. I don't know, John. I mean, it just, I think, surely gives a message to the people of America that whatever happens, Hillary Clinton is going to eat. She will eat. She will eat at least once a day.

And that's what you can rely on her. And who do you want in the White House? Someone who will eat once a day. Minimum. She's strong phoenix checking out the odds after my successful bet on the British election. I have a little flatter on the state, the American one as well. She's even's favourite.

And this could be a very exciting new start, John. I mean, men have had a pretty decent go at running the world for the past 100,000 years plus. But coming, could we, genuine, is America ready for a president with ovaries? this is a huge step for you well see she's definitely the front runner for the democrats she's so much a front runner the only person on the democrats side currently declared to run against his Bernie Sanders and independent from Vermont who has been

widely ignored he's he's running in the democratic primary despite never formally being a part of the Democratic party. And it's kind of largely assumed that this is because this will give him access to televised primary debates where he will entertainingly and justifiably shout at people. I think that's what Bernie is largely going to contribute to this election campaign. Some entertaining, well-meaning points delivered out volume on television. Well the odds are quite interesting. You can get to Alec Baldwin at 750 to 1. Okay. Sarah Pailin at 100 to 1. That's got to be very disappointing for Baldwin, frankly.

And Ben Carson, who we talked about earlier on, he's around about twenty five to one that still a long shot but not nearly as long as you will hope for it to be in a nation has schools and books and and also uh... you compare his odds with george patarky uh... who has just launched at his bid he is uh... a moderate in a heavily conservative field which basically means absolutely no chance

and what they know means absolutely no chance. No chance. No chance. I checked the betting sites. He wasn't even listed on most of them after announcing that he's standing and on the few that do offering odds on betucky. Basically 50 to one. So making him twice as unlikely as the already massively unlikely Ben Carson. He nively issued a four minute launch video without any point lecturing people on what they should do with their wounds or penises and it is hard to see how that is going to appeal to the court republican voters he's neck and neck with Donald Trump and John McCain and probably about the same as to be the winning this race as a horse with no legs has of winning a race a horse with no legs on a skateboard with no wheels so what's uh... what is the american uh... public looking for john in uh... president of the not looking at all

they're not looking for a they're quite rightly not looking at all andy they're ignoring this moment because it's too fucking soon so american people to their credit are completely ignoring this moment because it's too fucking soon. So the American people, to their credit, are completely ignoring this process. You want to look at candidates in elections, Andy, this early, the same way you look at the sun. Ideally, not at all, but if you have to very briefly

and with serious protection. There's no point. There's no point in the American people engaging in this yet. None. Well, I'm glad we've covered it on the bugle then. Give people a gentle way into it. I guess you know what you want. You want a bit of charisma.

Someone who can inspire and inspire. People, the kind of person you can leave in your kitchen for 10 minutes and by the time you've come back, they've made your kitchen table think it's a trampoline. That's really what I want in a present. You need trustworthiness, the outward veneer of believability in a way that it is clear that when push comes to shove, they would take their own mother down a back alley and hand her over to the Chinese secret services. You need to have a steely inner f***, I think, to be a president. And most importantly,

as you say, the willingness to spend vast amounts of dubiously acquired money, suffering a delusive personal abuse, all for the right to be ceremonially stymied by your own political structures for the next four years. It's, as you say, John, democracy is fun. And it is baffling how big an issue gay marriage still seems to be in the American political scheme. In Ireland, they've just had a referendum voted overwhelmingly in favour of legalising gay marriage. Now Ireland is a, well it's a nation with its traditionally scored at least nine popes out of ten on the Catholic scale and yet even Ireland is now massively in favour of gay, but why is it still such a big issue in America?

It's not really. It's not. It's not. It isn't really. It's got most, most, the majority of people agree with it. It's passed an idea. It isn't really. It's got most, most, I think, a majority of people agree with it. It's past the tipping point. It's a lot of states have it. It's just really, it's not really so much about who was first now as who's going to be lost. And I think it'll be a closer on race between Mississippi and Alabama. So why do other, so many of the Republican candidates keep

banging on about it? Because they're old. I don't think anyone really cares. Some other candidates to run you through no Mitt Romney sadly. No Mitt Romney sadly, the 2012 nominee he said these words he said i did not want to make it more difficult for someone else to emerge who may have had a better chance of becoming the president which is pretty much how we ran his uh... twenty twelve campaign against the ballman julie ony to uh... two thousand eight is he gonna stand again waste but as i campaign still active and he never stopped running

uh... uh... lindsay graham the Republican Senator for South Carolina, I sort of described as having quotes extravagantly hawkish foreign policy views. Now that's, not just hawkish, extravagant, unlike to see a bit more flamboyant in American war-mongering. I think Graham could be the candidate to bring that. So John Kasich, Ohio governor, said, I'm pretty qualified for this kind of a job. This has not even been pretty qualified for this kind of a job.

Not this exact job, obviously, I'm unqualified for that. Makes why he's applying for a job of just painting some walls and not in a mic landing kind of way. Carly Fierina, former boss of Hewlett-Packard, and if she makes America function as badly as the Hewlett-Packard computer I had in the late 1990s when she was in charge of that company, America will basically become Sudan within four years. Well, she is very qualified to run for office in that she's already spent a huge amount of money running for Senate in California.

She spent $20 million to not be Senator of California. So there is previous there in terms of shitting money up a wall. Set bladder. He has to be a cal... I think it is to lose. I think for some reason, because of some reasons of how the voting blocks are laid out, he I think is already one.

Um only gets things done he's not afraid to be unpopular has the two in common qualities in a in a president. Um I mean that it's a sin unusually big field I don't remember there being quite so many in it lot and we may have just blocked it out. That's because you have amnesia Andy. Right. That's like child but it's always this way yeah exactly in dolphins have kicked in and said you know you've come out of each American election thinking never like that again never like

that again then the endorphins cooking and then the next thing you know you're looking saying should we have another one a couple more candidates are mean as to model she's a cleaner in the Republican Party headquarters she went through the wrong door last Wednesday, walked into a press conference room with a mop and bucket and accidentally became a candidate. But she's viewed as being able to connect better with ordinary voters, but it was also a bit too busy doing six different cleaning jobs today. She's currently 15 to one.

And also the ghost of the two-time presidential candidate but no time president Thomas Edmund, Dewey having another crack at the big one from the grave. He's inhabited since 1971. Now of course the other big story this week is the FIFA scandal and thanks to those who sent us messages awaiting our response to this. I know John, you're covering it on your show this week. Well, as we record today, the FIFA election is taking place to see whether set bladder can remain in his anointed role of King Turd in the chocolate box of global sport. And it does appear that he almost certainly will. It is utterly bizarre how these kind of dawn arrests of leading FIFA figures

this week and FIFA's response was basically say it's a good day for FIFA, which is a bit like hearing someone say better out than in after spectacularly shitting themselves at a funeral and then vomiting into the coffin and saying, oh, that felt so therapeutic. It is a kind of version of the Orgian stables in which Hercules has turned up with his mop and bucket. Thinks thought to himself, oh man, this is a really big job, boss. King Orgia says, what mate, who sent you? I'd never noticed they were dirty.

The bare face ball of this organization, John, is truly spectacular. Some have said this is just the tip of the iceberg, and the FIFA Titanic has given that iceberg a damn good humping and kept in bladder is elbowing the women and children aside to make sure he gets his own lifeboat. It's it's it's it's as a sports fan it is hugely depressing bladder had his words to say yesterday he said the events of yesterday it's just speaking the day off the arrests, have cast a long shadow over football and this FIFA Congress. And I think we see

here where Bolatos sees the problem. Some would have say that it wasn't the events of yesterday so much as the events of the last 20 plus years. Clearly for Bolatos the problem is the arrests in the Swanky hotels. He said we cannot allow the reputation of FIFA to be dragged through the mud any longer, which would carry more weight if he was not caked head to toe in mud as if he'd just been at some kind of alternative spa. He said, I know many people hold me ultimately responsible, but I cannot monitor everyone all the time. Again the classic defence, I was only giving orders. And he has rejected calls to resigning insisting he is the man to quotes fix things which is perhaps a certainly unfortunate choice of words and he still has a lot of support in the global game from and you know you can claim some credit for turning international football from the closed European South

American closed shop that it was in the 1970s and before and maybe he has done some good things but just as even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day so a massive accidently does something not that dirty every now and again. And in other sports news baseball has been rocked by another cheating scandal this one in the minor league as the former New York Fox Outfielder Chaos De Frost has been caught attaching his glove to a drone to enable himself to catch balls that were flying over his head into the stands. Defrost currently playing for the Boston Balthasars after

unsuccessful spells with the Utah nutcrackers and the Yosemite Yausers, as well as an MVP here in the Austrian baseball league with the Vienna Schnitzels. Use the drone with his glove nailed to the front. It was allegedly stolen from the American Air Force, and he pouched a dinger to left field technical term, hit by the Tulsa convulsor star slugger Demilo Venus. Defrost then completed a controversial double play by crashing the drone into home plates at 150 miles an hour

with pinch runner Eric Wart still short of his ground, hospitalising Wart's the home plate unpowered Juremold Putch and his own capture, Herod Jirket. The Balthazar's coach, Kunelli Peristaltz, explained, it's something we've been working on in training, chaos was the North American remote controlled aeroplane aerobatics champion when he was 16 and there's nothing in the laws of the game that explicitly says you cannot use on military level drone as a fielding aid, defrostable server, one ining band during the Balthazar's next match.

That's on the roads at the Miami Shriek. And a quick bit of news, just breaking from the US Justice Department, they've announced that all Biker gangs will only be allowed to ride kids' tricycles until they've all learned how to behave themselves. Justice Department spokesman said, if they're all busy saying room, room, and peddling their little legs as fast as they can, I think we'll see a definite upsurge in their ability and not to shoot and kill each other.

BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS Your emails now, and we've been receiving some slightly curious spam on the Google email address, including this, said, hello, my name is Gary Wembley and I understand your company deals in tennis rackets. Can you email me with the types that you have including the price range? Thank you, better gods. Gary Wembley.

It's a great game. There's no link I've got to get involved in that Andy. Right, but I don't understand this type of spam because there's no link for you to open up the in-a-reset of your laptop to some identity thieves. It's just, this is just it appears to be a genuine inquiry about tennis rackets. So, I mean, maybe this is the next step for Bugle merchandise, John. Yeah. The Bugle tennis racket. Yeah, with our faces in the middle. Sold in bulk.

That's right. Thanks. Do keep your emails coming in. We'll do some more that aren't just spam, but we've got to wrap up this week. A quick update on the situation with Michelle who we've been raising money for. Some of you might have had updates on the website that she had a relapse sadly and the good news is that she has rallied somewhat from that relapse and is hoping now to go and get some treatment in Cuba. So things have slightly changed. I don't

know the exact situation at the moment, but enormous thanks again to all those who've donated the money that has basically meant that whatever treatment that she is able to have is now possible. So I don't really have any more than that, but I will keep you updated with what's going on. And if I can follow myself as John followed the doctor at the gig the other day, I'll be able to plug my own show at the Soho Theatre, which is on January, at January, Monday, the eighth of June,

and also the sixth of July, the Satos for High Show, I will be publishing up on the Bugle feeds in future weeks chunks from those shows. So if you are wanting to submit an email, please do to saturize this at saturusforhigh.com, the details are also on the Soho Theatre website. See you all there. So that's it.

Until next time, Bugleers, Thanks very much for listening. Enjoy the future of football unraveling before your eyes. Until next time, goodbye. Bye! Thank you.