The Bugle - Bugle 4002 – Where’s MY Knighthood?

Episode Date: October 29, 2016

Nish Kumar joins Andy this time to discuss Britain post-Brexit, the refugee crisis and the Chicago Cubs Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, BUGLURS! And welcome to issue 4,000 and 2 of the BUGL. This is the second instalments of the uncometised rebirth,

re-upsychlicised podcast. We are still here. Season 4 has now lasted longer than season 3. I am Andy Zoltzman, and I'm now back on the correct side of the Atlantic, thanks to everyone who came to see Satris Fahai in the USA, totally sold out some of the seats at some of the gigs. And I'm joined this week for his Bugal debut by easily the most bearded participants in Bugal history.. Nish Kumar, Nish. Welcome. Welcome to the bugle.

Hello Andy, hello, bugleers. Good, I'm here with the beard. You're learning well. That's a good catchphrase. Oh yeah, I've been following a lot and I've got one thing to say. Yes, you knew old school bugle. So, niche, I mean, it's part of bugle tradition to back to the early days to discuss really awful gigs. We felt good. I think the first time we did stand up together was at the Andover Lich. Yeah, it was a gig that I was just reliving three days ago

in conversation. It was, I mean, to say that the people of Andover did not go for what we were saying. It is an understatement, rather than anything that's come out of this entry. It was a pretty tricky thing. Yes. There was a physical distance between us and the audience who was spread out over this kind of great big entrance lobby And I what seemed to be a sports center of some yeah, we were in the cafe. That's right But also that physical distance did also perfectly mirror the philosophical distance. I think the philosophical distance was way greater

Way way greater Tough gig. Yeah, tough gig Way greater. Tough gig. Yeah. Tough gig. So this is the Book of the Week beginning Monday, the 31st of October, 2016, which means it is 499 years to the day since little Martin Luther

popped up with 95 cheeky little feces, which he later whacked on a door in Whitonburg. Kick it off. A nice little reformation for everyone. And 90 years since Harry Houdini began his, well, toughest ever, escape act, one that remains as yet unsuccessful, he died, and yet to escape from the claws of the reaper. 75 years since Mount Rushmore was completed in 1941, currently being updated, so that the faces of Washington,

Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt are all mouthing the first F of the words for f*** sake America, what the f*** has happened. As always, section of this audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. This week, 31st of October, Halloween, obviously one of the great religious celebrations in the world, as the world celebrates this great festival, communing with the dark mysteries of the occult by dressing up like idiots and getting hammered

or by introducing children to the concept of extortion. Which is valuable life lesson, or even by slaying a pumpkin and publicly displaying its eviscerated corpse for Oncoragia Les Ultra. Have you got any Halloween plans, Nisha? I've got my Andy Salzman costume primed and ready. The same plan I have every year, Salz. Get the Salzman costume out and get the chocolate in.

So, well, I mean, from a career point of view, that might not go very well. America spends $10 billion a year on Halloween, which is more than the current presidential election campaign, which people complain cost too much at $7 billion. That's a $10 billion on Halloween. Largely, they're quite similar in many ways, so presidential election campaign and Halloween,

largely based on outdated and disproved myths and primarily aimed at scaring the shit out of people. And in our Halloween section, straight in the bin, we investigate whether the rising popularity of trick or treating trickled up into the world of top level corporate tax avoidance. We investigate ruckians in the witch community over whether the commercial focus on Halloween has damaged year round witchcraft Your accent work has always been your most undervalued quality at the thank you nish You suggest that was not a real

And also we interview a pumpkin. I never wondered, will scale anyone. It's got way out of hand. Why do people hate the pumpkin so much? And nice guy, not a good vegetable. Don't judge me on my lips. Also in the bin, in a week in which for the first time, an entire copy of a major newspaper

was nothing but Japanese number puzzles. That was last Tuesday's edition of the Philadelphia Gadsook. Here are some of the new puzzles taking the Japanese puzzle world by storm. We have for you origami kuro, can you fill in the grids with numbers from one to 183 so that when you fold the paper along the right hand edge of each box in ascending numerical order, you make an origami shape. This week shapes for the beginner level, a cube for the intermediate level, the former Soviet space station, the mere, and for the advanced level origami, cure, or players amongst

you, Donald Trump attempting to have sex with a statue of liberty. Also the kicker to co-coo that's the gridless number puzzle in which you have to guess where the number should go. I mean, it does look just like a blank piece of paper. And also the Bonoco. Now, this is a great one, the Bonoco. This is using only one letter and one number. Can you fill in a two square grid? That's two by one horizontal to match the way Rockstar Bono would probably

do it. Probably pretty easy. Going in the bin, I think it's safe to say that Donald Trump is attempting to have sex with the Statue of Liberty is a perfect visual metaphor for the last year in American politics. He can just grab her, Andy. He can just elaborate. Yeah, just get a crane. LAUGHTER

MUSIC Top story this week. And indeed, this year, on this side of the Atlantic, Brexit for those of you who rely on this audio newspaper for all of your news. And we know you're out there. We do. We do.

We do. They were out there. And you'll probably, as We're out there and you're probably as a result much happier than the rest of the world from our 18 month absence. The big story in Britain this year is that the United Kingdom, which is an increasingly odd name for this country, has voted for Brexit. We have voted to leave the European Union. Well, we've voted for Brexit and since that day on the 23rd of June, we've been trying to find out exactly what Brexit is. I mean, maybe it was worth having a bit of a natural about that first, but you know, we've dived in to footed headfirst and I've got to work out what's going to happen. I mean, niche, this, this has, you know,

been obviously the defining political story of this year, probably this millennium before. Yeah, it's definitely headline news. As I discussed on my little bugle trailer, I have certain feelings about the result, which manifested themselves in a painful bout of diary immediately as soon as I found out about the EU referendum. And yet it's talk has been of absolutely nothing else since the, since the 23rd of June, when I confidently predicted in a Nando's opposite Houston station that there was quotes, absolutely no way we will be leaving the European Union to my friend Chris, who looked slightly confused at me. And

I was just following all the polls, Alts Sandy. But one thing we've learned from this year is that the British public does not like polls, and that is in a couple of different spellings of that words. And also, we will lie to opinion polls. That's the last thing, it's like a boxers' punch, and it's the last thing that you lose as a nation. We will, whatever, we don't really know who we are anymore

in Britain, but we will bullshit opinion pollsters until our dying breath. Yeah. That is what we've learned from the last two years. I guess the five, there's the five great journalistic questions. Who wear what when why? I don't know if he's in that order or not. You're not qualified journalist, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, famously. But I think, you know, for Brexit, the five great questions are, who the fuck, what the fuck, why the fuck,

when the fuck and where the fuck are we gonna wait there? And also how the fuck did we get here? Are you bleeping all these out, Chris? Yes. Right. I mean, that's given away that you don't do it alive. So, it's a very strenuous job live bleeping. I mean, that's given a way that you don't do it alive. So, it's a very strenuous job live leaping. I mean, you could just pretend you don't have your headphones on.

But, according to our new f***ing body contract, we are contractally obliged to be editing both our f***s and our f***s. Right, what the f***ing? Come on! I don't know who that, but we did that anyway before we had a contract. So it's not like the man is all of a sudden, right? I don't know who these f*** are, but I don't think you want to be f***ing around with that. I've lost count.

That's the problem. You get a CUMOR in. You get a CROIDEN boy in. Things that the air is going to turn blue. That's right. They don't call me niche blue, math and nothing. What it seemed to me happen with Brexit, niche, is that it was almost like a fast Twitch vote, but we're just,

I'm going to be saying, ah, it's not it. And basically, we were left as a nation. We were left in an empty room. There was nothing in that room, apart from a single electrical socket. And it inevitably, at some point, we were going to put our penis in that socket. That is what happened.

And now we have to deal with it. Well, it's also, I think who the f*** is a really interesting question to ask about Brexit? Because it's really thrust some of the previously fringelunatic political figures, right square into the limelight. You know, we're talking about someone like Liam Fox or Boris Johnson to an extent. I mean, he was already pretty prominent, but this is really giving him some new credibility. And the current minister for Brexit, the child of unimaginative naming magazines, parents of the year David Davis, who is absolutely front and center. And it's amazing to think that just a year ago,

these people were considered kind of dangerous fringe whack jobs, including someone like Theresa May, who about 12 months about to come and bite me in the behind. So, what exactly... Can you share this with us before you are not incarcerated for the next 30 years? Well, I sort of made fun of Theresa May, because about a year ago, Theresa May was the sort of fringe candidate for conservative leadership. It's always hard to imagine what that period of time was like, because it seemed like before the

referendum that it was absolutely George Osborne's job to lose, maybe Boris Johnson might get in there. And to reason, mate, we're suggesting some pretty outlandish stuff, like, for example, deporting immigrants who earned less than 30,000 pounds a year. And I went on to television show and made some slightly derogatory remarks about that policy, and then suggested I was in the process of stealing a white comedian's job by being there. And 12 months on, those remarks do not look very sensible, Andy. This could be my first and last people of interest. Boris Johnson was an interesting case, because I mean, there wasn't much in his past that

suggested he was going to come out massively and to the European Union. Yeah, absolutely not. And I think the most, almost the most extraordinary thing of the whole campaign and aftermath was the look on his face after winning. When he's winning in inverted commas. I don't know who the win lose situation when he's winning in inverted commas. I don't know who the win lose situation. Because he had the face of someone who'd been all excited. And having a lot of fun, and if he was going to be a guy and see something

exciting like a public hanging. And then instead of a public hanging, he'd been forced to watch a snooker match. Not just any snooker match, but a best of 35 frame, grinding litidious match between Peter Ebtan and Alan, and nothing, but remorseless safety plan. That look of kind of, what is devastation on his face?

If he's looking at the future thing, this is not what I wanted. I wanted to lose by one vote and be a great hero. Yeah, it seemed like a tactical move at the time because Boris was popular with moderate Tories, but seemed to be slightly mistrusted by the right wing of the party and by coming out for Brexit, it seemed like it was an absolute win-win for him. I mean, Boris supporting the Brexit is very much his springtime for Hitler. It was a deliberately design. I didn't realize he was such a fan of Mel Brooks's film, but his whole political decision appears to be sort of impromptu homage to the producers. And more revelations keep on coming out.

And recently there seems to be confirmation that Boris Johnson did in fact write two separate articles one in favor and one against Brexit before the referendum. And I think it was the telegraph ran his pro-Brexit piece, but he had apparently already prepared the one completely contradicting what he said. And that's, you know, that's not an unreasonable debating tactic to try and assess both sides by arguing, but it does seem a bit weird that he wrote a full article.

I mean, I'm pretty sure Martin Luther King when he was prepping the I Have a Dream speech did not also prep a speech that started. I did not have a dream. I slept soundly. Please leave. I was a bit worried, were you going with that Martha Luther King?

Is that gonna be the thing? I didn't wait. Brexit Britain. So now the debate is over exactly what type of Brexit Brexit is going to be. Whether it's gonna, soft Brexit, medium Brexit or hard Brexit. I mean, sliding scale of Brexit hardness from gently flaccid to stonkingly raging erection. And it seems like a lot of government seems to go for the kind of the

maximum hardness of Brexit bonerism in which they are advocating a new British dawn of British Britishness involving a fully helicoptering granite fallace, unconcerned by what it knocks over in its path. It does seem like it does seem somewhat ironic given the hostility towards continental Europe that Theresa May seems intent on serving Brexit like a rare French dake. Like it's just looking at it seems worrying and it looks like it's going to be very, very bloody. Oh Chuck a few capers on it, it'll be fine. As long as the mustard is English. So we're basically now thrashing out the details of one of the most complicated divorce settlements

in history. But yeah, and it's not quite a divorce. I mean, it's an unusual divorce. In that 48% of the spouse who's filed for divorce really did not want to leave. Whilst quite a bit of the remaining 52% of that spouse is not entirely sure anymore. But we've made a phone call to a lawyer,

so we have to go through with it now. We cannot back out at this point. It does, there was some good news this week. The British economy seems to have picked up over the summer and defied some of the slightly gloomier pre-Brexit predictions about what was gonna happen. There's apparently been 0.5% growth in the three months since the Brexit.

So I think we can all agree everything is absolutely fine. This is one of the things that's annoyed me throughout the aftermath of Brexit from both sides really because if you want to know whether or not it's the right or wrong decision economically, which is only one of the ways of judging it. I'm not even sure it's a particularly important way of judging it. There's two ways to find out. Well, it seems to be basically, either you can wait 50 to 100 years,

see what happens. But we don't have the patience for that now. So basically, it just comes down to people looking at the economic figures. Don't we like to, we can experiment with this now. I'll just, I'll check the foot to eat 100. And well, share prices have gone slightly up in the last minute. So take that remaining out, just show that we're all fine.

They've now just gone down a bit, which proves that Brexit was f***ing idiotic. Did you see, so they had an expert on the radio who was explaining why our economy has gone up 0.5%. And one of the reasons they gave was the movie The BFG came out. It's been a big British movie, great for the coffers, including The BFG. We are literally hanging on that. Well, that seems to be very much the angle. As agriculture, construction and manufacturing are contracting. The service industry, which includes transport, storage and communication,

is up. And the ONS has suggested that creative industries are the main driver. And my response to that is forget the BFG. You're f**king welcome, Britain. Who knew that me and Andy Zoltzman were the only thing keeping this country's economy afloat, you think is the BFG, Chris, but I think it was the gig I did at the whole fruit space to 43 people. Benny Capacity 350. And that is the only thing that's prevented this country from total economic overgirded. And my question now is, hey, Queen, where's my f***ing knighthood? I feel it cream got one, the dodgy tax and driving British home stores into the ground. I am part of the thin red light separating this country from Mad Max style economic and

social breakdown. I am the light between Britain and the Thunderdome. Where is my knighthood, Quay? I think I can see that becoming a regular feature. From the Google, where's my fucking knighthood queen? Yeah. Listen, I'll be respectful to Wild Lizzy. I'm probably gonna buy a full title.

Even though she currently has some of my ancestors' jewelry in her hat, which remains the most baller move in history to have stolen the coming odd Ironman to then lodge it in her crown. So it's a bit like, I think it's not in her crown. I think, and I comment we talked about this on the bugle before, I think it's in the Queen Mother's crown. Is it the Queen Mother's crown? And the Queen Mother has not been using her crown a great deal over the last 15 years or

so. Oh, this is taking her own death. Well, that is a bugle exploded. Chris, you may have to get the bleep button out for more than just swearing on this. Well, I think two of us have just lost any chance we had of a knighthood in this episode. The obvious, or curious time is for our democracy niche, which of course you and I both fought in several world wars for famously. Because we now have an unelected prime minister with an unelected cabinet putting through policies no one really had a chance to vote on. And yet there seems to be absolutely no desire to have a general election. It's almost as if the British public has said,

oh come on, we've done a bit of democracy this year and a bit of democracy last year. We cannot take three more fucking weeks of campaign. And I haven't been in America. They're political campaigns basically last, you know, three years, 51 weeks. Tantric democracy. And we cannot take it.

But I think this is, I think you're being uncharitable in the British public, Andy. of three years, 51 weeks. Tantric democracy. And we cannot take it. But I think this is, I think you're being uncharitable in the British public, Andy. I think this is a British public realizing that it can't be trusted with democracy in the moment. It's like someone handing over their car keys because they know they've had a few too many dreams. Just, you know what?

You drive the country for a while. I just need to sleep this up. Just a couple of black coffees and a nap, and I'll be ready to steer this democracy bus all over again. I think there was some very good arguments for leaving the European Union and some extremely bad arguments for leaving the European Union. That's probably on the remain side as well. But there's a complaint that people that we vote on an incomplete prospector, so that all the facts went there, when you can't know all the facts, it's far too complicated.

And in some ways it's better to know no facts than lots of facts, but not all the facts. Let's start. It just saves a lot of time. But basically the situation was that the Brexit campaign, the likes of Gove, Farage, Johnson, they promised Britain a nice plump prawn sandwich and Britain said, oh, that sounds nice, we'll vote for that. So we voted for the prawn sandwich and then what they presented this with was two sheets of polystyrene with a dead rat inside. And then people complained for that, that's not what we should be going to want to get. They said, well, it is technically a sandwich and the thing in the sandwich used to be alive. So it's not actually that different from what you're voting on. And people say, yeah, but you put great posters of prawn sandwiches

on the sides of buses. So what are you going to do about that? And they've replied, oh, I'm sorry, I've resigned. There's news just coming in this morning that actually, resignations David Cameron has just signed a significant amount of money to publish his memoirs. And I just can't only imagine, given the way that whatever side you vote on leave or remain, given the way that the campaign was executed, the tone of it, and the situation and the uncertainty that we currently find ourselves in. I'm assuming David Cameron is probably going to not focus on the referendum with his book,

and I would not be unduly surprised if it was just 700 pages of him going, remember what I f***ing want, pig? LAUGHTER Remember that time? I f***ed the pig. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there was a referendum, but I put my dick in a pig.

Remember that time? I was balls deep and swine. Don't think about the referendum. I'll f*** the pig. Course I was never scientifically proven. I think now, Cameron is going to be claiming responsibility. Yeah, it's one of those things, you know, no smoke without fire. I think now Cameron is going to be claiming responsibility. Yeah, it's one of those things, you know, no smoke without fire.

And there was some pretty porky smelling smoke coming out of fire. Just some new, just breaking facts about David Cameron. Um, he's resigned again. Third time this year. He's already resigned as Prime Minister, then he resigned as a member of Parliament, and he's just resigned as David Cameron. The character he's been playing increasingly unconvincingly over the last 20 years. He's now a 32-year-old unemployed bricked way fromer from Stockton on T's called Nigel Flatton.

The other big news story this week, certainly on this side of the pond has been Refugee Crisis, ongoing refugee crisis as the worst news for refugees since Michael F. Jean's last solo album. it is an absolute, it's been a horrific week. The Calais Camp has been officially demolished, leaving thousands of people homeless. And yeah, which is not, I mean, let's put this in context, being homeless

is not that much worse than being in the Calais Camp. And it wasn't kind of five star luxury, I've got to say, well, the camp itself was nicknamed, I understand by refugees as the jungle. Right. But then the, the Western media were very keen to jump on that terminology.

And it's very hard to explain to someone why perhaps massive media organizations in the West describing that place as the jungle felt a tiny bit racist. It is a bit like the fact that people who aren't black hoping that place as the jungle felt a tiny bit racist. It is a bit like the fact that people who aren't black maybe shouldn't be singing along to rap songs and saying the full N word. Like that, it's fine for them to call it the jungle. It's not okay for you to call it the jungle.

Like, yes, that is a double standard, but that's just something you're gonna have to live with. And sections of the British press have not, I never like it when a sentence begins, sections of the British app. But carry on. I think we all know what sections I'm talking about here have not exactly covered themselves in glory in their coverage of the refugee crisis. And there was a big scandal over the last couple of weeks here where some refugees who have arrived in Britain, the number that Britain has taken, has Britain have claimed to be taking a child refugees,

have found themselves the subject of a sort of tabloid sting operation to determine how old they are. And there have been lots of pictures of people on the front pages of newspapers like the mail, the telegraph, than the express and the sun with headlines, sort of a little bit like these people really supposed to be children. And it turns out that the way that they were determining whether these people were children or not was using an age recognition app called how old.net, which is developed by Microsoft, who very quickly

disassociated themselves from its use as a scientific tool by saying it was a fun app and not intended to be used as a definitive assessment of age. Now, what we really have to hope is, I hope these people don't discover Snapchat filters any time soon, because if they do, they're going to lose their fucking minds. There's going to be headlines like some refugees have the ability to swap faces with each other, also to become dogs, and several of them were seen vomiting, permanent rainbows. I had a look at this, this, this webpage, and a couple of some interesting results have come out of it. I don't know. Have you run yourself through it? I haven't run myself through it. Well, I just have. Oh, oh, oh.

And you are 44 years old. Ha, ha, ha, ha. So how old are you in, you know, kind of, well, your official showpiece age? I'm 31, although I have a playing age of up to 30. Ha, ha, ha. A casting director's out there. Um, I'm, uh, I put myself through it and I came out on one photo as 64, which was disappointing.

I also put a photo of my son on his seventh birthday. He came out as 10. The Queen, however, the famously non-generian Queen, a sprightly 76. No way. She is magic. The famously non-generian queen, a sprightly 76. No, why? She is magic. She is the only person I could find who came out younger than her real age. She who tips been keeping it tight, Zoltz.

I know. Now, are the way to put it. She is doing well. Jesus Christ, famous crucifixion victim. 38. Baby Jesus. 38. Baby Jesus. Yeah. As painted by the celebrity painter,

Geoto in the year 1297, I've put the baby Jesus' face, age 26. Oh, and there are some truly extraordinary baby Jesus' in the art world. Some with kind of full male pattern baldness and the face of a harrowed accountant. 26 years old, the baby Jesus by Giotto. Well David Davies, who is not the same man as David Davies, despite them sharing quite a few philosophical principles,

is another MEP who has been very vocal in his criticism of our decision to admit some of these refugees on the basis that they might be older than they're saying. Someone put his face into the face recognition software and it calculated his age out 58 when he is 46. So I think what we're saying is either this whole thing is absolute nonsense or we should

now be testing all MPs ages, like, exactly, the dental records and speculating wildly about why they might have been lying. And no doubt, Andy, there will be some on the loony left who say that MPs have had hard lives and we don't know what they've been going through. Honestly, it is political correctness on the map. I guess I mean, it is a legitimateness on the map. I guess I mean, it is just a bit question about the whole refugee crisis. And that question is, why do they all come to Britain?

What is no other country in the world or anywhere else taking any of these chances who are selfishly, when is Mars gonna pick up the slack with refugees? This is a chance of selfishly. Wendly is Mars going to pick up the slack with refugees. This is charged of selfishly fleeing persecution, starvation, oppression and all death. Why have we in Britain had to take all 10,000 of the estimated 6.3 million refugees in the Pacific? Why us?

Why us with us estimated 600,000 unoccupied homes? Why? Why isn it always us? Other news and what I landed at Heathrow Airport yesterday at the end of my Columbus style journey of discovery across the Atlantic. Hopefully you were there was slightly less destruction on your way. It was a touch and go. Which I believe is Donald Trump's main production tactic. But after much much deliberation and arguments, the British government has decided that what Heathrow really needs is another runway, because it's already, I believe in aviation terms, a f***ing massive airport.

And it needs to be even bigger, because otherwise what's the point? I love your commitment to satire. Is it you landed in a new story? Absolutely. That is commitment to the news to land in a new story. It's just the way I roll, Nish. You're going to get used to that on this year. Are you addressing Tiley as Theresa May at the time I roll, Nish. You're going to get used to that on this year. Are you addressing tireless Theresa May at the time?

Well, yeah. But anything to keep me comfortable during a long time. I don't know. Why should I not wear a business skirt? 21st century. You've got a legs. Justifying. Yeah, big news in the UK is that a massive airport might be getting

slightly massive, and it's a big news in the UK is that a massive airport might be getting slightly massive uh, and it's caused more problems within the conservatory because that goldsmith who is a local MP in Richmond, which is an area that's likely to be affected in terms of noise and air pollution by a proposed extra runway in Heathrow, stood down as an MP in protest, discovering principles that he curiously misled earlier this year when he campaigned to become mayor of London against Cedicard and ran a campaign that could be charitably be described as racially not ideal. It was not ideal race-based vibe. Right. The sack ultimate male or cap pain. He still have inferred that Cedet Khan was lax on terrorism and he published an opinion

piece for the Daily Male, which for the benefit of American listeners is a bit like Fox News's drunk grey uncle. And in that piece it was a picture of one of the buses from the 777 terrorist attack. Generally did some pretty weird stuff, including sending targeted male campaigns to Hindus living in London, inferring that Cedet Khan's Muslim background was likely to make him want to steal Hindus gold. I think sadly, Zach Goldsmith had unfortunately confused Hindus with magpies. And one of those Hindu people was my mother received a very serious letter from Zach Goldsmith saying that Cedica was coming off to a jewelry. And he then continued quest to appeal to the Hindu vote.

And the sort of Hindu Indian British vote. He went to a sort of Bollywood event and gave an interview where he was talking about how much you love Bollywood. And the journalist said, oh, what's your favourite Bollywood film. And the panic in that gold medal at that point, there's on a level with Boris Johnson fighting out. We'd left the EU like he's absolutely terrified. There is a great clip of him on YouTube, absolutely panicking. And he cannot even come up with one filmed name or one actor. By the end, the journalist is just like just say a body would

it's a very strange tactic to... It's playing off Hindus against Muslims as a way of sort of divide and conquer. And it's like, I mean, it does seem like a lot of politicians are increasingly researching into the British Empire's back catalogue of divide and rule tactics. Always works. Why change a winning formula? Give them cricket, tell them to hate each other. Bosh. Empire.

MUSIC You go feature section now, and this week we have a, where are they now section, catching up with the stars of yesterday to find out what they get up to these days, beginning with the stars of the hit TV show Friends. And so, well, I'm sure many of you are wondering what's so what happened to the stars from Friends. Well, we've got a bit of research. And Joey, the former actor, hit the skids after the spin-off series Joey ended. Peer then in a borderline pornographic

Bolivian art house film about a fictionalised meeting between the frustrated head of the landlocked Bolivian Navy. And the sex obsessed Russian Empress Catherine the Great, in which Joey played both lead roles, ended up sadly running guns across the Mexican border for a Swiss army hedge fund. Rachel gave up her career in the retail sector to fulfill a lifelong dream of becoming a professional snooker on par. room to have she's room to have engineered the fallout between Michaela Tab and the WPBSA in 2015 resulted in in Michaela Tab no longer officiating WPBSA tournaments to concoct and opening for a new woman to officiate in top level ranking tournaments, but only then Rachel she sadly suffered a slip disc on the eve of that season's mortar open whilst while doing a Nadia common-etch impression in the local gymnastics

karaoke bar. Currently back in America teaching vegans to scream at Hamburg events. Ross, meanwhile, disappeared without trace. Ross disappeared without trace after breaking up with Rachel over his full-back Mitt Romney tattoo that he got to in the build up to the 2012 presidential election. Finished at this morning, 35th in the 2010 World GERKIN EATING CHAMPIONSHIPSEN. Is now rumours be working as a freelance moose-matador and Calgary Canada. Phoebe, the former masseuse and semi-finalist in the 1993 US Open tennis. Why did you think I never used that as a plot strand? So finalist in the 93 US Open.

It was a best opportunity. Why do you think I've never used that as a plot strand? So finalist in the 93 years open. It was a missed opportunity. She unwittingly befriended a KGB agent at a book club meeting when that week's tone was collective farming for the masses by Nancy Sinatra. Missed that one, Senator McCarthy. Phoebe just, that's ended up as a professional freelance assassin. Three time hitwoman of the year in big hit magazine responsible for 65 successful slangs in 16 different countries. That was an 84% success rate, very high success rate in this day and age ranging from gangland drug lords to cheating spouses to unlicensed Santa Claus impersonators. a former massaging skills involving rubbing a poisonous cream into the spine and then suffocating

affecting with a towel. Reportedly, she's in the market for one last job, just one last job before retiring to farm bats after having a dream that bat milk would be the new soil milk. Monica, she won $250 million on the US lottery, instantly quit her job and family to fulfil her life long dream of developing a time-travelling machine. Partially successful, she is currently on trial for witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts in 1693. And Chandler, he's now a burlesque act called Trudy Brenda, after a hospital mix-up ended with him becoming a woman, and there are the crossman named Julia having a hair transplant. And also,

in the where are they now section, we catch up with, I don't know, are you a baseball fan at all, Nish? No, I think it's a cricket for the uninitiated. Right. See, I mean, obviously I love cricket more than probably anyone on earth. And I know you're a cricket fan. The cricket fan. You can use cricket as a gateway into baseball.

Yeah, a gateway sport. And I like, I like baseball, is that Chicago Cubs going through the World Series for the first time since 1908. Right. Currently one or less we record in the best of seven game series. And well, in this where are they now section? We catch up with the stars of the last Cubside to win the World Series. Well, the first base man and team manager, Frank Chance.

He's dead now. Sadly, second baseman, Johnny Evans. He bats it. 300 for the 1908 season, of course. Also dead. Third baser, Harry Steinfeldt, passed on. Shortstop Joe Tinker, also no longer with him. Outfield, Jimmy Shekhard, dead.

Fellow Outfield, a Frank World fire shooter. He, interestingly, he's dead. And Jimmy's legual bad news on him too. Dead, catcher Johnny Kling, good name for a catcher. But didn't help him to escape the sport ambivalent hook of the rebar. He is dead whilst utility man, Solly Hoffman. Still going in 1955 last time, let me check on the internet.

Dead. Right on to the pitching staff now. Please, please make it stop. I'll do you a backed up, you bullshit. This is what happens when the bugle goes away. I'm sure all Cubs fans are out there wondering what happened to star man star picture Mordekai three finger brown. Can I have a guess at what happened to him? Well he went 29.9 on the 19.08 season. That's a great record for picture.

Yeah. Well, what do you think? I'm going to hazard a guess. Yep. He is a dead man. I thought you said he didn't follow baseball. You've backed up with bullshit, and now we're drowning in the flood.

As a long time listener to this podcast, it is a powerful stench to be actually in the presence of. This is the role of the person. Like somehow listeners, you can't really imagine the extent to which just not being in the room with it acts as a kind of filtration. It is a potent brew to be in the room of the bullshit, to be looking at it in the eye. Next week we'll find out what's happened to the guys from the 1920 Cleveland Indians. Well that brings us to the end of this week's Beagle Nish. Thank you very much for joining us. It has been an absolute honor of a pleasure.

We'll be back hopefully in a few weeks time. Yeah. Um, dates to be confirmed. Next week we have Wyatt Senac, Yeah. Um, dates to be confirmed. Next week, we have Wyatt Senac, uh, reporting on the final twitchings of the American election campaign,

ooh, before polling day on the, uh, on the eighth, uh, thanks very much for listening to Google. And this, you know, anything you want to plug? How, how, you know, I'm on tour. Yeah. Oh, shit. I forgot about that. Yeah. I mean, that's what the,

the bugle has always been about and you from a self-promotion. So, jump on that, jump on that, man. I, uh, I am on am on a UK tour, which is on the midpoint hiatus. And it's not last as long as certain hiatus is. Certain hiatus. It resumes on November the 11th in Birmingham, and goes up to December the 12th.

Some tickets still available in a few places and in Swansea tickets sarcastically available. This Kumar.co.uk for all details. The Bugle is a proud member of Radio Topia from PRX, made possible with great support from our founding sponsors, The Night Foundation and MailChimp, celebrating creativity, chaos and teamwork in this podcast, mostly the middle of those three. So we'll be back next week when we'll be discussing amongst other things, not only the American election, but also does the discovery of a fossilized fish in the shape of a cross, suggest that God try to amasside before life had even evolved out of the sea, but

shelved it when the gospel had got wet. We'll be taking a closer look at the Crucifish next week. Until then, Douglas. Goodbye. Goodbye. you