The Bugle - Bugle 4005 – Who Do I Bribe?

Episode Date: November 20, 2016

In a break from Brexit and electogeddon, The Bugle turns it's eyes on India, with RotW correspondent Anuvab Pal. Includes corruption, queues, statues and an obligatory overseas look at the US. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bee Euglers, and welcome to issue 4,000 and 5 of the bugle audio newspaper for an invasively visual world.

For the week beginning Monday, the 21st of November 2016, with me and his awesome and here live in London, which is in Europe, or is it, I guess we'll never know now, and joining me from one of the Bugles' less-used continents, Asia, talking to us live from a brand-new Bugle location. Singapore, it's a brand-new Bugle co-host, one of India's finest comedians, script writers, playwrights, javelin throwers, high-wire circus acts, dolphin impersonators and lake volume estimators that got progressively less true as it went

along, like a satirization of the history of American presidential election campaigns. It is the mumboi-murth-maker himself, Anu Vapal. Hello, Andy. Hello. All those things are true, Andy. All those things, the javelin being probably one of my better known achievements over comedy writing, but yes. Well, I have watched your personal best for the javelin? I've thrown it some distance. Right. You know, automatically it goes to show that, given I don't know what distance that is,

I'm probably taught a well-known athlete, but I do know that. But like you said, you know, as a filmmaker and a Javelin Thrower, and all those other things, I think I truly qualify as a Renaissance Javelin Thrower, if nothing else. Because I don't know how many people in history that we can put to. They're through Javelins and we're in Singapore at the same time. And also, I mean, just the mere fact of claiming that you could throw a javelin in some distance, but you quite high up the list of all-time greatest Indian Olympic athletes, I think, doesn't it? I think so. I think, I think if you want to be an Indian Olympic athlete in javelin,

the fact that you have a javelin and you've thrown it should qualify as a significant achievement. So, welcome, welcome to the Bugle. It's great to have you on the show. You are official Bugle rest of the world's correspondence. We've got Britain and the US covered, but you are basically all over the rest of it and currently in Singapore, anything to report from Singapore. Yes, well, it's a pleasure and honor to be here. I'm glad you have one rest of the world correspondent because the rest of the world and Europe and America it's about the same size.

I think the rest of the world does not deserve more than one. The way politics of the world is going philosophically, morally, even geographically, I think the rest of the world deserves only one person. And if only this could be replicated in, say, corporations around the world where they would, they would just have a head of North America, say for Pepsi, and a head of North America, and a head of rest of the world. I think one of the things that Trump has shown us is that we've broken up the world too much. There's too much known. And I think now just lesser,

just being able to somehow summarize things. I think, I think, Andy, you're on the right track, I think. So, basically, you're praising Trump for reducing the world back to a basic simplicity of America, Vladimir Putin, and everyone else. Other places, that's correct. I guess that does rather simplify things.

I think so, Andy. And just this whole specificity of countries and cultures and capitals, I think as Mr. Trump has shown us, they're overrated. Very soon, instead of saying, I've been to China and not the Chinese, he says, I've been to the rest of the world. And this is what I think. I think you've spearheaded that. Trump hasn't even got his team together,

but you've already organized the world through the bugle. The bugle is now just ahead of what will now happen in transition teams in politics. Well, that's a great British tradition of basically seeing it as us and everyone else. So this is bugle 4,000 and 5th of the week beginning Monday, the 21st of November, 2016 now less than 98 months until we can be sure that Donald Trump is no longer president. So tick tockck tick tock. On this day in 1877, Thomas Edison announced the invention of the phonograph machine

that could record and play sound without which this show in particular would be a very, very different beast. Just be me wandering around knocking on people's front door saying, can I interest you in some lies? I've really need to get off my chest. We're recording on Friday the 18th of November. On this day in the year 1307 apparently the Swiss archery ace William Tell apparently shot an apple off his son's head with a crossbow or so on this day. Mrs Tell supposedly said, you better have a fucking good explanation for this bill. And it's Mickey Mouse's birthday. I don't know if you know that.

And today, Friday, the 18th of November is considered to be Mickey Mouse's birthday. And well, there are rumors that the legendary celebrity cartoon mouse could be considering a run for the US presidency in 2020. And I never thought I'd say this, but stranger things have happened in American politics. Tomorrow Saturday is both International Toilet Day, treat yourself everyone, and also International Men's Day, which does not entirely set itself apart from every single other day in human history. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a celebrity clothes section, after the dress that Marilyn Monroe was wearing when she sang Happy Birthday Mr. President to John F. Kennedy, sold an auction this week for

$4.8 million. We look at some other celebrity historical garments. That Monroe dress, of course, largely responsible for what still remains and will remain for a couple of months, at least, the stonkingest presidential boner in US history. That record set to be broken on the 20th of January when Donald Trump first goes into the Oval Office and looks at himself in the mirror. Other famous celebry clothes we tracked down for this week's episode, going straight in the bin. Francis Drake's bold trousers, from when he was told that the Spanish armada was

armadering its way to England in 1588, unlawnded, and there are some suggestions who wasn't quite as confident as he made out at the time. Cleopatra's very avant-garde snake bra that she sadly died in her last words. Apparently, work, can you tell the designer to maybe use dead snakes next time or at least less bitey less poisonous life snakes. Sure I do feel sexy but I also feel dead. And we also find the t-shirts Alexander Hamilton was wearing it is fatal duel with vice president Aaron Burr in 1804 which had specially printed at a t-shirt printing shop in Manhattan the previous day, with the words Aaron Burr VP verifiably perished. And on the back, a cartoon of Hamilton as a golfer smiling with the slogan saying, I just called a bird eye.

He was going to tear off his shirt and run to the press with his t-shirt showing what he won but sadly, of course, lost and died. And also, we look at the special necklace worn on her wedding day by Henry VIII's six wife Catherine Parr. A wife number six that necklace thought to be the widest necklace ever measured eight inches from the top just under her chin to the bottom at the top of her collarbone. So we were made of reinforced granite tungsten and Kevlar. That is a weird necklace, darling. Henry VIII said, as they gazed into each other's eyes on their wedding nights. Yep, yep, it is, I acknowledge

that it is, but you are a weird husband. She replied, are you going to take it off? He asked, nope, no, I'm not going to take it off. That section in the bin and also in the bin a quick bugle audio mannequin challenge. There we go we've done a bit. So before we get on to this week's top story we'll just check the current British straw bonnetter reading. That's 8.4 this week that's a bit less of a crank than we've been in for most of the year. US that's coming in at 12.6 that is good news for the new Count Anchor see that is taking over the political world. Anuva, how stroppy, Bokin-Parison with Britain and America? How stroppy is India right now? Um, is very a number, Becky. No, going with the javelin thing, I've been very specific with measurement today, Andy,

as you know, very, very is his web-giver. So, you know, as the rest of the world correspondent, you know, it's its virus possibility to look for problems around the world far and wide. So, I've travelled, being based in India, I've travelled far and wide to find that the biggest problem in the world was in India. So again, again that goes to show the region diligence of my world travels and I've found it right outside my house in that The nation has this nation of a billion people With some people have heard of I don't know if all the people in the world know what India is but some people may have heard of it

It they outlawed currency. They have outlawed all currency, 86% of, I mean, of course, you know, any economist listening to this will obviously dispute that, but they will also realize that, that this is pretty much nonsensical banter, which is loosely based on facts, but that's also the rest of the world, think so I think we're only following a pattern. So 86% of the currency in use has been just overnight cancelled with drone and then that raises many questions. Can you do that? Can you can you and anyone in the world can they do that? Can you for example in Great Britain the country country you are in, could somebody just say, from tomorrow, the 10 pound note, the 50 pound note,

and 100 pound note are invalid. And now just make do. It is a truly extraordinary story this. I mean, I think in Britain, we probably quite happily take that on because we just get us further away from Europe, which has currency. And if we could get us further away from Europe, which has currency. And if we could get rid of currency,

we'd just go back to basic kind of pig-based economy that we used to be quite happy with until the Romans came over here with their coins. I think we'd be happy with this. This is one of the most extraordinary stories that I can remember reading about in all our years on the bugle. What happened is a Narendra Modi, the Prime Minister of India. He pulled a genuine political rabbit out of the hat. And in this age of leaks, that is quite as wise, no one's into expecting

this. And it was one, I mean, he pulled his rabbit out the hat and the rabbit had bloodshot terrified eyes, but it was still a rabbit. He announced that he was withdrawing the two most used bank notes in India from circulation of 500 rupee and the 1000 rupee notes, roughly equivalent to the classic British bank notes of Fiverr and the Tenor. And he announced this in an unscheduled broadcast on the evening of the 8th of November. And this law came into effect at midnight that night. Now that is, well that is quite to basically pull, as you say, all currency, 86% of it, but we're rounding it up for the ease of mathematics. All currency, basically all currency out of circulation All currency, basically all currency out of circulation within a four hour timeframe.

That is in a country where 90% of all transactions still take place using cash. That is bold stuff. That is, I mean, I guess the kind of stuff you would expect from a prime minister who quite a lot of people in India think is a borderline genocideist. But, you know, he's clearly not lacking in confidence. How has this gone down, Anu Vab, the sudden withdrawal of 86% of all physical money?

I think the biggest problem, Andy, is that Indians are having to stand in cues in an orderly fashion. And Indian not being Singapore, because you know any culture that's used to any sort of system, you know, is used to cues. But now Indians having to form an orderly cue, there are two problems with that. One is, every time there's a cue in India, there's one thought in an Indian person's head, who do I bribe? The great irony here, however, Andy, is that you need to stand in the queue to get to the

money to bribe someone. So what I do here is a philosophical conundrum. What I'm dealing with here is almost Aristotelian in its peak reach. Because that which is also, is not, I think, is one of the Greek philosophers' questions of our time. And I think that that is what has been posed here. I mean, there's, of course, a lot of talk in India and in business circles. It's luckily, luckily.

I mean, I don't know where you got your statistics from, but luckily, India is not a poor country that survives entirely on cash, where 500 million people are not literate. Luckily, that is not the case. I mean, what you're looking at is sort of a digitized 21st century lethal economic behemoth. That's what you're looking at. So we were already on the edge of stuff. But the big question was, can we be Sweden overnight? Lots of Indian business people would ask, can we be Sweden overnight?

And I think one man needed to get up and said, let's try. Right. So, and I think he just took it quite literally, and he said, let's try. Now, they did, there's a very large, unorganized cash sector, right? But is it really that important? I mean, because you have to ask yourself, 300 million people eating and having access to basic supplies. What is the big deal about that?

Why is that critical, you know, and I think... Well, that is, that's learned behaviour, isn't it? That was basically the attitude that the British Empire had to India during major famines, isn't it? I've got the famines amazing quotes from the great famine of the 1870s. Now you are an eminent historian and you've done stand-up shows about Indian history and the history of Britain in India. I was reading about that the vice-royd of India, Lord Litton, who during the Great Family of the 1870s, when Britain exported over 300,000 tonnes of wheat from India, whilst more than 5 million people starved to death, he believed that apparently market forces alone would suffice to feed

the starving Indians. I mean, 140 years on the world is really still sticking pins in that theory to try and see if I can make it work. But that is the legacy of that attitude has clearly informed this demonetization. Exactly, exactly. And I think there's some agile thinking there. Like Lord Litton was on to something when he said, you know, if the ship stops here, there would be green for people. If the ship doesn't, can they still eat, even though there's no food, less.

So I think it's a fundamental question of market forces when the market forces that are given to you are nothing, right? Because Adam Smith in economics says, you know, in the great economist, it always said, zero is not a great number. You can't do much with zero. I may be paraphrasing, but he said something like that. Zero is not a very high quotient in economics. I think the challenge makes me think, let's see. If you've got no money because of Outlaw, they're pretty. Apart from selling your cousin for some rice, what are the innovative methods can you come up with? That's the question India has to grapple with.

Space is challenging the Indian people to grasp the baton of 21st century entrepreneurial ism. So if you can't rely on hackneyed old banknotes and you have to develop your own cousin for rice-based economy, that will give you a head start on everyone else in the world. Precisely, Andy. Precisely. You've really hit it. It is a start-up economy. I'd read a thing about Silicon Valley once,

and they had said that a start-up needs to be hungry. And I think Mr. Modi has taken that literally. LAUGHTER I think if you're a start a starter, who is the entrepreneur? You're the entrepreneur, you're starving. You're not just starving to build Facebook, you're literally starving. So what would you come up with to change things? And I think that there was always potential among a billion people, but the only way you could find that potential was to just make their bank account in valid.

And I think that there's really no true a test of a person. And I don't think new did it. Like a lot of people, they were the most shameful thing in the world, being found new in public. Right? Happened to me a couple of times. I wouldn't want to get into it in further detail. Happened in several countries where I'm not allowed. Well, those are some stories we're going to have to get to. But that's a different problem, Andy. But the point to raise, very valid point, extremely valid, which is there's no greater test than saying, just like Lord Litton did, I'm just going to take this bank account from you. You were not expecting this. This has never

happened in human history. But now that it has, what are you going to do with yourself? Are you going to put that shoe in the microwave? Are you going to use your child to do some manual labor? Are you going to grow your own tomato? What how resourceful are you? And it really makes you think back really to the days of the first Egyptian people by the Nile, you know. They'd have to come up with stuff, right? They were like, okay, I guess this is a seed. I don't have any plowing equipment. What should I do? Let me see. Can I just use this human being as transport? You know, you start really thinking on your feet. And I think that's what's happening here. So basically, you're saying that just need to give it five or six months and there'll be some massive pyramids all over India.

I think so, I think so, Andy. I think you're right. I think what you've unleashed is perhaps the precursor to the Emperor Akhinat and the First. to the Emperor Akinat in the first. LAUGHTER Google too, who haven't followed this story, will now give you, you know, a quick multiple choice question as to how this whole transition from having 500 and 1000 rupee notes to not having them at all. How did that go? Was it A? Everything went smoothly.

People said, what a fun idea, I hated having legal tender burning a hole in my pocket anyway, or was it B, total chaos? And before you answer that, please bear in mind the India's default setting, and I've been to India on several occasions now, and I've seen this first hand, it's default setting at the best of times, through no real fault of its own being a nation of over one billion people is total fucking chaos. Correct. The answer was B total and even more total chaos than usual, if you can get more than total. Massive Q's at banks general may him some fatalities, apparently some people were unable to pay for medical treatments because what they thought was money to pay for that medical treatment had become in the time it took Narendra Modi to have dinner after his

special broadcast had become not money but toilet paper. So they could no longer pay for it. And of course, the people worst affected by this again, any guesses, yes, it is the poor. That is another loss in the results column for the poor still way off form economically. And some breaking news, the Indian government is going to collect all the defunct banknotes, mulch them up with some wallpaper paste and build a giant Papier-Mache sculpture of Narendra Modi's extended middle finger to travel around rural India. Now the reason for this, because I mean it might seem out of context, why on earth would you take out 86% of all the money, all the physical money in a country?

It wasn't an attempt to clamp down on corruption. The so-called, you know, the black economy, which, I mean, corruption is more so even than cricket in the as national sports. And unlike cricket, not only you good at it at home, but you carry a form overseas, and the way that the cricket team simply doesn't. There's been, but is this anover? Is this really an effective way

of clamping down on corruption in India? Because it seems to me as an outsider that with drawing medium-denomination banknotes as a means of reducing Indian corruption is roughly equivalent to beginning your new years diet by taking a slice of gerk in from a two pound gut buster burger. It is to me like the captain of the Titanic standing on the prowess ship pointing a hairdryer at the iceberg shouting, everything is under control. Feel a heat you overblown, Cornetto, if I may exaggerate slightly, which I may it's 2016

exaggeration is allowed. In fact, you know, exaggerations have a grain of truth. They'll probably be phased out of all political discourse on the next electoral cycle. It seems an odd way to go about addressing this enormous problem. Andi, I think it's a great point, Andi. And as a website, as an Indian news website called First Post pointed out, Narendra Modi has just burned down a whole forest to find two or three snakes. And I very nicely put.

And I think that that's what we need to do it it. You know that is one way to do it. You see one of the things that the government was hoping which we're really known for in the world was that this would go with Germanic precision. That is for my trips to India. Exactly. That's what I've always thought. I've just been walking around the streets of of Delhi and Calcutta thinking this is so like Frankfurt. It is uncanny. It's the same really.

It's the same. I'm glad, I'm glad as a visitor and you noticed that because we function in a certain cold, clinical sort of way. Every time anyone thinks of India, they don't think of color, chaos, madness, a billion people. They think just leave functionality. You know, they think agility, precision, just high end design.

And so Mr. Bo these gamble was successful because he said, like you pointed out, in the middle of this Germanic precision, what would be very easy to do? Especially when 600 million people cannot read and write, what would be easy to do is to tell them that they're not certain valid, they have to go to the banks and exchange it, even if they don't have bank accounts. So I think what had happened is that Mr. Modi had seen a multipython sketch the night before and at any multipyon sketch and told himself, I'm just going to enact this on the entire country.

So what's happening now is that there are people in bank use, like you said, you know, it's complete chaos. Nobody knows how much money they can withdraw. Nobody knows if their money is there or not. And what's happening is that people in bank use are doing things to get attention. Yesterday, a man in Hyderabad set himself on fire after waiting for three and a half hours just for the bank manager to notice him And I think that that is a good approach anywhere in any bank even when there is not a run on the bank

I feel if you've been at a bank you for a long time And you're not getting any attention setting yourself on fire for a little while will get attention. That's a good rule for life. Yes. I'm going to try to engage. It doesn't always work. I'm reminded of Henry VIII handy. If you remember in 15, important. Yeah, I'll remember that. Yeah, that my my. Yeah. Yeah. That important year in history. There was a shortage of I think gold coins. So he had decided that gold coins, there was shortage of geese, cooking geese geese that you would cook for food and gold coins. And he decided that geese were the same

value as gold coins and that just that became a thing across the kingdom. And so I think that the rumors that is spreading is what else may be taken away, what is maybe introduced as legal tender, you know, maybe a vase, pillows, and the things they may take away are shoes and pants, and all Punjabi people, like you don't know, precisely what might happen next. So that's again, all good, like you'd say, it's all good. Modi has made a big point of trying to reduce corruption. I mean, it is fascinating following Indian corruption as an outsider, because I mean, we jail our MPs over here for stealing 10 or 15,000 pounds worth of public money when

their dodgy expenses claim. I think if an Indian MP stole 10 or 15,000 pounds worth of public money in India, he will be praised for saving the states about 4 million pounds worth of public money. I was looking at some of the recent corruptions, there was the biggest, the Indian coal allocation scam of that blew up in 2012. That was worth over 20 billion dollars. There was a, the Bihar Foddascam in the Bihar region. That was worth around 10 billion US dollars, which involved apparently the fabrication of enormous herds of fictitious farm animals. That is my kind of corruption. It's amazing the

imagination that goes into this. That is right Andy, that is right because you see in that particular one the corruption was around cow fodder right that corruption was around basically fecal matter from cows. And this is the trouble with the Western world. Where the Western world drives through India and they see just piles and piles of cow feces, and Indian parliamentarians sees opportunity. And I think this is the fundamental difference. You see, what are the main problems with the Western world?

And I hope they realize this, is that you have functioning systems. Functioning systems really bother us. You know, if it happens to me when I come to your country and I stand in queue and everything's functioning and I'm going in the line and they're asking me questions with order and everything. And it is a real bother because I look around

and my head is doing, you know, it's an overdrive thinking There's got to be a way I can mess up the system Factioning too smoothly. There's something wrong here. I was reading also about the Uttar Pradesh elephant memorial scam From a few years ago and various articles put the value of the scam at between 9 million and 6 billion US dollars, which I assume was a misprint. But even if it is only a nine million dollar scam to cream off money from my program to put up public statues of elephants, you, that is genius. That is visionary. British politicians would not even see that as an opportunity to be correct. I think Indian corruption, how are Spanish midfielders seeing passes that

British midfielders cannot see? There was another scam in which 35 million toilets went missing. How do you lose the 35 million, the logistics in that are incredible. Absolutely. That's one of the greatest logistical achievements in human history. And you can only pity the future archaeologists who in hundreds or thousands of years' time are gonna come across a stash of 35 million toilets somewhere in a jungle in India

and wonder what an earth had happened to human civilization. This is why we need toilet day. Precisely because you know as this about toilets when you've got to go you've got to go you know and we took that literally that toilet has to disappear this is the thing I mean you guys have fantastic sculpture in your country you have museums right but but you know that there are, if we went to Renaissance Italy, Da Vinci has done stuff, Rodea has done stuff. And I bet some of those popes that commissioned that are now sitting back and thinking, hold on a minute,

all this is fantastic, but I made no money from this. This is really disturbing. They were commissioned, they were built. Why? That's the thing with the elephant statues. How can you just build something and have it last for posterity just for the people without anyone making any money out of it? We don't see it, it just seems, in fact, the sculpture is the least important thing. I think the statue of David, whatever. If all the people involved in that were Indian, they would go see the statue of David and would be like, can you, do you know which political party you made seven million dollars from that? That could be the conversation. The statue itself, some stone rubbish, we don't care, it's, that's not that important. Anyone can do that.

One other bit of Indian news. Last week our Prime Minister Theresa May, she, well, alleged Prime Minister, still waiting for an election to confirm that rumor. She went to India on a trade trip, stroke karaoke cruise, stroke belated hendo, delayed according to whether you want a fact or a post-fact. And she refused to relax the visa rules on Indians coming to Britain. And it is, and if I'd rather harder to get into Britain as an Indian today, then it was to get into India as a British person some time ago, when we would simply turn up and say, I have a very large stick and an extremely smart uniform. I would strongly advise you to let me in. If not, I will shoot you and I will shoot your wildlife. Thank you. I'm going to shoot you in your wildlife anyway, but thank

you all the same. Thank you. This is true, Andy. This is very true. This is very true. What are the things we forget about Empire, of course, is that we were just happy that anyone showed up to administer this place at all. That the idea of colorization was so shocking to us that people would actually show up and be like, we'd want to run this place. And we said, what do you want to run this? You want to run? Okay, sure. Yeah. I don't really know what's beyond my house, but I think that's a country. If you can find it, and you can sort of create a border, and get rid of it, whatever, you do what you want. It's fine. And I think, I think that of course, it's changed

now. We're patriotic. You know, now you you found places all across you found where the country ended that was good most of us had no idea you found oil and you found tea and all of that and now of course you know you've got to keep some of that that was nice and now we have all of it and obviously now there's all the street and all this outsourcing going on and the Prime Minister Theresa May she was here and she was wearing a saree and she went to a temple and that was all nice and I think she prayed to whatever gods they were that no one would ask her to relax the visa thing

I think in any Hindu temple, if you've given offering, and I think her offering was five visas for five Indian billionaires. I think that was her choice. I think a policy was, yes, we're relaxing it. These six people can go, and I know them by name. I think that works with policy very well. Why should policy as Donald Trump is reinventing

the world, re-entrask ourselves, why does policy have to apply to everyone? If you know the five little benefits, why not just say Ramesh Rajesh Mr. Tata, Mr. Ambani, you can come and anytime you want, you don't you don't have to scan your eye. You just have to breathe heavily into the mouth of the immigration officer and just go into the country. We have no other scans in place for you. The rest of you, look, I've made an effort, I'm wearing a sorry, I've come to a temple, but I've got nothing else.

I've got no other offering for you. So recently I said that the UK will consider further improvements to our visa offer. If at the same time we can step up the speed and volume of returns of Indians with no rights to remain in the UK and again looking back at history, if we step up that speed to anything under 250 years it would be a little bit rude. That's true, that's true. I think, you know, and the exchange,

it would also lead to chaos. It would be like the currency exchange. Like, you know, Lord Clive, I think, is hanging around somewhere in Calcutta still. And, you know, my cousin Vicheshi, is somewhere in Birmingham right now, and I think if we started getting into that, there are just too many people

that have to travel too much. Just some latest other Indian news on the pollution crisis in New Delhi, the Indian capital. Latest scientific reports show that it is now healthier to breathe inside an erupting volcano than on the streets of Delhi. Doctors have said that you'll be better off filling your lungs with cement than attempting to find oxygen in the Indian capital. Whilst the government of the planet Venus has issued a warning to all venuctions to wear special face masks when visiting Delhi. And another scientist has claimed that if you cut out a zebra's lungs and leave those lungs exposed in the air in Delhi for just 30 seconds that zebra would die. So it is that bad. There were some tourists as part of the Treesomey

trade delegation and they went to see the Taj Mahal and there was so much basically brown gaseous substance in front of the Taj Mahal that they couldn't see it for two days. And I think again, again, I think that the world has wrongly portrayed us. I personally think that if you have the most beautiful monument in the world, it should not be easy to see. And I think that you should, if as a result of that, you need to pollute the entire atmosphere and kill about 12 million people to make something a little more enticing than why not. But before we go for this week, Anu Babaz, or Rest of the World correspondent, perhaps you could update us with how the rest of the planet is reacted to the election of Donald Trump

to the post of King of America? Yes. You know, the rest of the world, I think, are quite surprised that basically a lot joined family will now be running America. It's a fresh start, really, because they're also quite amused by the fact that here, some speeches have been given where Donald Trump has acknowledged that he has no idea where the rest of the world is. The other day, he said that I will be talking to Saudi Arabia, which is the capital of the Middle East. And he said he was going

to reneg on a treaty with Nigeria and other South Africans. And so I think the rest of the world is hoping that they'll show up in Washington or New York or wherever Trump chooses to live. And say pretty much anything about their country without it having be fact checked. So I can imagine like a bunch of people from Thailand showing up and saying, we are massive exporters of shoes and orangutans, and could we strike a special

trade deal? And then something would happen, because there would be no facts on any basis. And you know, Brazilians could show up there and say, we are not big with coffee and football, you've been misinformed. Like people could say pretty much anything about their country, and I think that is a fresh start, Andy. Well we will be covering these stories and others in a new section on the bugle in future weeks as suggested by at Endless Coast Courer on Twitter that we should have a bugle spin off called the Trumpit in which we cover Mr Trump. So there will be a trumpet section in future bugles, not all future bugles, I want to be able to sleep in at least some weeks, but we will be charting

the happy story of Donald the Magic President as he takes four years out from his regular gig of tycooning the shit out of anything he looks at and hating everything whilst waiting to be enveloped by the fiery boughs of hell for a quick funston as the world's most powerful person. So look out for the trumpet section in in future weeks. Sport now and we at the Bugle have never shied away from covering the sporting events that other leading media outlets in the world fear to cover. And this week is no exception. A huge event

this week heading to its conclusion now. It's the Bullen Schloss Scheitman Memorial Trophy, the rider cup of corporate jargon, reaching its final stage. So it's over Boulin Schloss, Shaatman Memorial trophy, the rider cup of corporate jargon, reaching its final stage. So it's over to San Francisco to join the Bugles, marginal sports correspondent Wolle, live at the dribble dome. Wolle, are you there? Yes, Andy, much excitement here at the dribble dome. America have hit the front in its hugely significant event. Of course, in this increasingly globalised club communication is increasingly the means we're in which we're used to communicate with each other, of course.

And today is in every sense no exception, the real standard barice here, laying it out for us in America has taken a potentially unassailable lead as they seek to retain the old Bundeslauff, Scheipmann, Corp. a lot of the people who are in the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the

middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the middle of the into the Hindenburg, but to my damn sure it catches fire while the cameras are rolling. Well for Europe, young Spanish star Anna Grenita Malfainiena hit back by claiming she was ready to toast the apricot, even if no one else was, and barked in some impressively uncertain terms. That if you want to put your puppies in the postbag these days, you've simply got to be prepared to douse grandma in jammin at the wasps to the work because as her old boss used to say she said no granny is immortal and there's no point firing

up a crematorium for just one corpse did she make herself clear she asked and no reply to judges she did not and awarded male feinierna a score of 9.5 plus a bonus jog for outright incomprehensibility so breathed from the young Spanish star, but he's not going to be enough, it doesn't look that way. And even if I can interrupt us both here, I think now we can hit in GB Skipper. Rolls-platters, the Birmingham buzzwords, he's taking the mic now for Europe, what could be some decisive business bulldo-dash. Listen, get the right people doing the right jobs. Don't make Picasso work in the paint shop, and if you don't have a round peg for a round hole,

get a massive square peg and a digger. Look, not everyone is on board and ready to surf this dolphin, I'll get that. Well, you've got to embrace it. You've got to embrace the changing global globe. And there's my old boss used to say, if you don't like doing the school run, don't kidnap someone else's children.

So the way I sit, if you're all barking up the wrong tree, the cat's gonna shut on your strawberries. So So bark up all the trees, shoot the cat with it, me owls and buy a fruit from the supermarket. Am I right? Well Andy, as you can hear, super effort from Platter to get Europe right back in it and clearly the judges, they think he's talking out the bottom of the well there because that is an 8.7 so still, all to play for here. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Next week, the email address will have been set up as hellobuglers at thebugelpodcast.com. So do send your emails into that.

Keep them preferably under the 3000 word essays that you seem to have started doing in previous, in its previous incarnation at the info address, which has been decommissioned. Next week, we'll feature Helen's ultimate as in the Bugle Coho, co-host, hot seat sister of the world-renowned cricket writer Andy Zoltzman. We will have more on Brexit and whatever the hell is. The government is riffing out in its elongated piece of improvisational performance art. And a retrospective f***ing eulogy for Ferdinand Marcos

who appears to have been given like a soccer hero's funeral decades after his death in the Philippines, which is another country that appears to be going slightly round us about. So that is coming next week. Anivab, thanks very much for your glorious bugle, Davey. You'll be back in December to join us again. So do keep an eye on everything that is happening in the world between now and then. Are there any shows you've got coming up that you'd like to plug to our listeners or anything else? Well, thank you for having me, Andy. Thank you. And, you know, given I have such a narrow, specific focus to keep my eye on, I think I'll do it with as I do with my Indian Germanic precision. So there's that. Yeah, I have a thing with Amazon that's coming up on December 16th.

They're recording a special in Mumbai. Other than that, I hope that the country and I will remain penniless as we've discussed the next time we speak in December. Anivra pal, thanks very much for joining us. Also next week, will the nominations for the Bad Sex Award for awful writing about Thrugulations in Contemporary Fiction? The nominations have been announced and we have an exclusive extract from a long awaited literary sequel that many Bugle fans will be very excited to hear. That will be coming up in next week's show. Thanks very much for listening and we will speak to you next week. The Bugle is a proud member of Radio Topia from PRX, made possible with great support from our founding sponsors The Night Foundation and MailChimp, celebrating Creativity, Chaos

and Teamwork. Goodbye! you