The Bugle - Bugle 4006 – Zaltzman Showdown

Episode Date: November 27, 2016

Helen Zaltzman co-hosts in Andy's shed this week. Tony Blair emerges for another go at something or other in the UK, in America a recount makes the headlines and Andy premieres the premier weekly Donald Trump Bugle feature. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is TheBugle.

A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers! And welcome to issue 4,066 of the world's last remaining outpost of truth. Yes, I think that's fair in 2016. It's close enough. It's the Bugle podcast, the show that according to recent scientific research, had it existed in the past, would have been the first download of the weekend on the MP3 players of, amongst others, Shakespeare, Marie Curie, Homer, Benjamin Franklin, Jane Austen, Marcus Aurelius, the incredible Hulk, both Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and in fact reports coming up later

on those two, incidentally. After complaints that Disney's New Realism Drive drive at its theme parks has led to record customer complaints about Mickey and Minnie refusing to interact with people, scuttling into the nearest available inaccessible space and shitting everywhere. This is Bugle issue 41006 for the week beginning Monday 28th November 2016. We're recording on Friday the 25th which mathematically of course is almost twice as scary as Friday the 13th. I am Andy Zoltzmann. Star of the 4th coming Soho Theatre Show 2016, the certifiable history from 20th of December, Roll Up, Roll Up. It's kind of a Christmas pansemyme only completely different with just me and it sticking 2016 under the microscope. My microscope might not work properly and trying to work out what it died of and joining me today

It is a great pleasure to introduce drum roll please. Thank you That is a disappointing snack. Did you not have anything other than the timpani bap not even a snare drum hoge or a bongo bagel Yes, I have started this introduction with a drum roll pun a Bongo Bagel. Yes, I have started this introduction with a drum roll pun. That's Brexit for you. You can't stop me. Joining me for this week's Bugle, it is the Pankhurst of Podcasting. Can I call you that? From the long running, older, even than the Bugle, answer me this. And Radio Topia's own The Illusionist. It is Helen Zoltzmann. Did I pronounce yet name right? Hello Andy. Hello. It's nice to finally meet you. It's great to have you on the bugle.

Welcome to yet another podcast. Sorry, sorry, easily one of the top podcasts produced by someone currently living in this house. I don't know, your kids are coming up strong. We are recording live here in London, specifically in my shed. And you are currently living with us, Helen. You are a fugitive from what exam of the law? Yeah, pretty much. Our landlord moving back after 10 years.

Oh, it's quite cruel. Retaking what was rightfully mine. For those who do not know, Helen and I share not only this edition, and hopefully many future editions of the bugle and for the moment this house but also an entire complete set of parents. We are siblings for 36 years now we've cybled. Is that how the word well you're the or the etymology specialist? I am sibling. Yeah we've been siblinging. Or is sibling just a small Sib and at what point do you grow into a full Sib? Well, I'm nearly middle age, so I think it should have happened

Boy now. So we're Sibs now. Sibs. Sibling. And then by the end of our lives, just be S because we'll have Withered that much. Yes. Yes. Great. So we've not worked very much together over. No, our mother was trying to keep us apart. For the sake of the family. She didn't want it to be too dynastic. Well, I mean, well, that's gone right out of the window. We're basically the trumps of the... Oh, no.

The trumps of the podcast world, Helen. Well, Andy, one of the features of 2016 has been white men with ridiculous hair who spout bullshit all the time doing very well in politics. So why haven't you made a power grab? Well, there's still quite a lot of the year left. You know, there's still almost about 10% of the year left. Shit, why not finish this all off?

This is your time. So this is the bugle for the 28th of November, Monday, the 28th. On the 28th of November in 1660, a group of 12 prominent British scientists, including architecture, celeb, Christopher Ren, chemistry, superstar, Robert Boyle, and the philosophy and linguistics pin up by John Wilkins set up the Royal Society, the full title being the Royal Society of London for improving natural knowledge. A load of experts, analysts, try and tell everyone else how the universe works. That looks pretty stupid now,

356 years on. But out boffins, it's not your business. We will tell ourselves what we want to think is going on in science as in everything else. And Ren learned to build a proper fucking roof. Who needs a dog? It's a nightmare to put a helipad on. Also on the 28th of November,

this is the historic 124th anniversary of 1893 when New Zealand on this day in that year, became the first country in which women voted in a national election. Also the 97th anniversary of Lady Astor being elected as an MP in the UK. She became the first woman to sit in the House of Commons, not the first elected, but the first to sit in the House of Commons. And in 1990 Margaret Thatcher became the first ever British woman or female to become a former Prime Minister. She magged out of 10 Downing Street for the last time, 26 years ago. On the same day that you broke your collarbone. That's correct. I don't think the home counties have ever fully recovered from either of

those two traumatic blows. So what a historically appropriate day, Helen, for you to become the first woman to co-host the Bugle. I mean, I see this as another major landmark in advance of feminism. The first woman, you know, are part of the problem. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is a Bugle 4,06, so I did 294 Bugles with John Oliver before he had to retire. The first wave. Yeah, he quit, apparently the reason he quit was just turn that. He convinced the apocalypse is coming and he wants to devote the rest of his life to worshipings use. So this is the sixth edition of the reboot gold era, which means this is a 300th full edition. Oh congratulations. Of this show.

I appeared on the 300th episode of Dance Me This. That's right you did, which was ages ago, because as I've forementioned, been in this game longer than you. Yeah, you haven't had people swanning off to do other stuff. So 300 episodes, enough episodes that, if the ancient Greeks had played them all simultaneously out of a special giant amplifier, they would have beaten the entire Persian army with them. And also, if you played all the podcasts we've done between us back to back, you'd be an idiot.

There you go. Oh, dead, because I think you'd have to be awake now for more than two weeks solid. Oh, I would say it must be up to close to a month, isn't it? That would be fatal. That would be fatal. I know that you've tried during times of a lot of sports. Yes.

There are times when there's almost 24 hours as they have cricketer around the world. These things are sent to test us. It's a hard life you chose. Yeah. Look at this. You have a duty. As always, a section of the bugle is going in.

It's been this week a Black Friday section. It is Black Friday today. One of the great commercial days in the commercial year, which meant we have a special offer. You can stop listening to the show 75% of the way through it, absolutely free. And we will look back at the origins of the Festival of Black Friday, which began, of course, way back in the year 23 A.D. when Joseph and Son, the Middle East-based carpentry in Woodworking firm, had a 50% off sale to get rid of all their surplus stock, where the f*** of all these f***ing bookcases and Chester draws come from, Jesus said Joseph. Oh yeah, Joseph, please call me dad. Sure, I'll look, I'm not comfortable with it.

Anyway, I saw all that timber out the back and I'm miracleed it into a load of home furnishings. Right, and where exactly am I supposed to put all those 150 bloody bookcases? You know, what am I going to do with them? I don't know, flogged them off. I'm off to shoot some hoops with my buddy Judas. Okay, lad, let him win. Why? Just let him win. I've got him tagged as a bit of a grudge holder, just my off, of course, lad. He's not going to win, Joe's at dad. Every time he gets the ball off me, I'm miracle the hoop into a conifer tree. I was wondering what all those conifer trees were. What am I going to do with them at this time of year?

I'll think about it. Anyway, that's where it all came from. That was the most vivid biblical depiction since Mel Gibson's passing. Of course! It's from the recent discovered gospel according to some gravel. And in fact, we do have a genuine Black Friday offer. The old bugle merch, the merch people, having realised the fool's gold mine they're sitting on, having a Black Friday sale.

And by Black Friday sale, I mean they are desperately trying to flog off now worthless and outdated material featuring the old logo with what's his name British name, can't remember. Anyway so do follow the merch link on thebugelpodcast.com if you want to buy some cut price obsolete stuff. Also one for the price of one tickets to my Christmas and New Year's so-ho theatre run on the so-ho Theatre website. That section in the bin. Top story this week and we have a special revival section.

The bugle being an example of a show that is revived from the near, near death. It's the Lazarus of podcasts, isn't it? Absolutely. It probably should have been left in the ground. No, no, no, not like that at all. And some amazing revivals this week, Tony Blair. Yep, who'd have thought that kid would come back? Yes, back in the public eye.

Him and the Gilmore Girls back the same week having both ended in May 2007. Wow. Uncanny, I mean, can you just fill in some of the gaps there for me, the Gilmore girls, I'm not entirely familiar with the Gilmore girls was, it was a popular TV comedy drama that ran from 2000 to 2007 about a single mother and her daughter. And the final season was quite controversial because she waged war on Iraq based on a sexed uptoce here about what happened to him. And this is coming back after the...

It's come back on Netflix for 90 minutes specials, erasing that part of history. Right. And also implementing a task force to try and put the brakes on Brexit. That's what the girl, my girl, is up to. It's subtext. Right. Well, thanks for bringing that to my attention. You're, you know, the, the bugles new correspondent for the entirety of woman kind. Thanks. But also for anything to do with the culture from less than from basically after I was born. Yeah, I think I was when culture really kicked in. Also, I'm self-employed, no work at home, so I've seen a lot of television.

Blair is, as I said, back in the public eye, and the British public has responded by saying, oh, I think there's something in my eye. Oh, it really stings. I think it's some kind of aggressive conjunctivitis. Maybe a wasp feels like I've been stabbed in the right- I don't know, it's Tony Blair. It's just, I'm just going to go gouged my eye on hope it'll be fine. He's back, Helen. He is back here to save centrist politics. Well, this this is his this is his claim that's the I mean, the former European Warmongering champion, which admittedly is not a title as the the catch that it once did. He's returning to life, public life, with a new organisation, as you said, aimed at

coaxing the world away from the crazy extremes of politics, that it seems to have embraced recently both the crazy left wing and the crazy right wing, back to the ground that Blair made his own, the crazy middle ground. know, very much the consensus of crazy. Are you pleased to see him back? It shows how bad things have got that I kind of am. Yeah, I'm not terrifying. Yes. Could it be George W Bush next?

Maybe he could be a compromise. I'm almost nostalgic for GWB. Yeah. I mean, he seems like such a benevolent idiot in comparison to what is about to happen. Blair has admitted that if he does, I mean, he's not aiming at a return to frontline politics. He says, but he hasn't really made explicit what he is aiming for. So he's got two plans. Got a new Twitter feed. I think it's not.

That the extent that he's running the Wii rate dogs Twitter feed. It's there. I mean, and that is a very clever campaign. Right. You rate dogs. Oh, have you not seen that? No, I mean, what do you rate them on? I mean, is he just on their looks?

I mean, I hate that objectification of dogs that's got to stop. Well, then you're not going to like Tony Blair's new campaign. Right. He's got two plans, it seems. One of them is solidifying the centre of politics again. And the other is to team up with Virgin to try and get a second referendum. Right.

But that's led by Alan Milburn, the former health secretary. Right, yes. Another revival. I mean, the Milburn revival was always bound to happen. Oh. It was like Elvis, isn't it, in the 70s. And Bob Geldos involved, so maybe they're doing another band-aid single. Right. It's just they couldn't get you pop songs they've got Alan Milburn and Nick Clegg

instead. And Alan Milburn's thing? Who knows? I mean you know it's a musical center rather than confessing to Matthew Threats since. Didn't stop the people who are in the late 80s bandaid single who are all stockade and that. They would admit it now. And yeah, so Virgin has allegedly offered money and legal advice and some office space. So do you think they just cleaned out their cupboard that had all the old TV's in there? This is an interesting one. I mean, I can't see a second-break-to-referendum happening, partly because the situation we currently have is an unelected

prime minister with an unelected cabinet. That's democracy. Putting policies at, but despite that, no one, or most no one, wants another, a general election. So I don't think there's a nation we could face a second referendum, unless it was, you know, a snap referendum held, you know, four hours after the announcement, like the Indian currency story that we talked about last week, when I announced the withdrawal of the bank loads at 8pm and they ceased to be legal tender at 12pm. And then why would we? I think that's the only kind of democracy we were taking this country now, because it

was the campaigning that people, I think that irritated people. So if you could remove that, remove any of the arguments and talking from democracy. So people have to vote on instinct. Which is what is happening now anyway, who needs expertise and facts. Exactly. Post-Truth World Andy. That's why you're doing so well. Exactly. Post-Truth World Andy. That's why you're doing so well. Yeah, or do you mean have a second referendum four hours after the first referendum, so like a regret for a random... A regret for a random? That's a nice term. Is that a term that you've just made up? It's only just become useful when you introduce this concept. When it's just because you do the illusionist as linguistics etymology.

I mean, you now just basically making up what you can talk about in your own show. Well, yeah, because I'll run out at some point, because there are a few hundred thousand in English. Yeah, and yeah, so I've got a plan for the future. But I used to enjoy Port Mantos until Brexit happened and Port Mantos broke the country. Who was foreign word, isn't it?

Coming over here. There were foreign words in English. Shut up! You're not allowed to say that kind of thing these days. But that's an interesting idea. The idea that you should have an instant second chance referendum. Yeah. It's like the 28 day cooling off period when you buy something.

Yes, should this second referendum happen after the result of the first referendum is known? Or should you just have to vote at interval of, you know, you vote at 8 a.m. and then at, say, 4 p.m. So that's like eight hour cooling off period. Well, 4 p.m. you're often in a bit of a post lunch, sleepy slump, so how is that going to affect your politics? Right.

More right way, more left way. I don't know. I mean, the polling show, any figures on that? No, the dangers of voting snooze. I don't think they have done the data analysis on that, but they should. They should. I mean, you took, essentially, a coffee shortage could completely change the way people vote. Is that what happened in America? Was there were there Republicans secretly stashing coffee supplies to make people slightly irritable on voting? We need to be told. Well, they had to queue up for hours. So if they weren't irritable before, they were going to be irritable after that. Ah, so that's the conspiracies. They were queuing up. They made the queue so long that the capping would have worn off. Yeah, this, you know,

this result is not going to stand. But I did say that, um, he's not wanting to return to frontline politics because the media, he said, would go into, quote, destroy mode. Now go into is an interesting way of putting it. They are in it. They are stuck in it permanently. There is a vast much chance in 2016 of the media, or, well, bits of the media not being in destroy mode as there is of a shock going into vegetarian mode. It is not, it is not going to happen. I don't know, a lot of ridiculous things have happened this year they said couldn't happen, so maybe sharks will just be all about tofu now.

Right. Can't discount anything. And John Major just made a comeback as well. I haven't heard anything from him since about 1992 even though he's in power for five years. Yes, well I think the electorate reflected that in 1997. And then suddenly he's trending on Twitter now, because he made up the phrase, the tyranny of the majority to describe. Oh that's a nice phrase. It is a nice phrase, but he said the 48% of people that voted against Brexit shouldn't be dictated to by the tyranny of the majority. And the sun said, oh, tyranny of the majority. He's a bit of a...

So, I think the phrase is terrible. That was an excellent impression of a newspaper. I was trying to get the size of font on the front page to express their fury. But he's saying the tyranny of the majority has never applied in a democracy, and it should not apply in this particular democracy. Does that make sense or does it just sound good? It doesn't matter. Great. Well, we live in the other linguistic experts, it doesn't matter, doesn't have to make

sense. What's John Major been doing for the last 20 years? Well, watching a lot of cricket, I think. Are you pals? Have you ever met him? I've never met John Major, no. But I feel we have a spiritual connection unrelated to politics, huge, huge cricket fan. And, you know, that's why, you know, that's what I think that's

why one and 92 elections. Because English cricket was going through a tough phase and we thought we can't reach having a Welsh Prime Minister because the English cricket team could suffer. So we kept it in the safe hands of Major, and sure enough the following year we lost a Pakistan 21. It's a really stack up hat. Things are so clear in hindsight, aren't they? Another politician who's been revived this week, Andy, Jill Stein, out of the limelight, since the US election two weeks ago,

now roaring back into the public consciousness this time, because she is demanding a recount of the vote in three closely contested states. Which is a limelight. I mean, was she in the limelight? I'm the fact that it was a slightly limi greenish kind of for the green party. I thought she was a bit sickly, but it was just the light. And she's raised millions of dollars in a couple of days for this to happen.

For the for the recount. Yeah, I think because she's a bit of a for this to happen. For the recount. Yeah, I think because she's a bit of a conspiracy theorist, which led to some of the problems. Well, all green people are, aren't they? You know, I mean, look at it, everything's fine. We just need to wait for a revival of the Arctic sea. I see everything that we find. But now her tendency to go for the conspiracy theory has resulted in a vote recount, which is kind of exciting.

But it's not going to be enough of a vote recount to change the ultimate 1-0 to Trump final score, is it? No, but there was one county which published a spreadsheet of its results in which there were more votes cast for the president than there were votes cast. Right. So you've got a hint of the old Soviet Union about it, doesn't it? That would get you a D in Matay level. So for the election it's probably worth checking that working. I don't think anyone's kidding themselves they're going to get a different person in January. Well I think also by now everyone just wants to see what's going to happen from the point

of view of President Trump. No one wanted it, but you know, we've had two weeks to get used to the idea now or two weeks to come to terms with the fact that the planet is going to end at some point anyway. So why not see it in our lifetime? Well, not see it. It will be literally oblivious. There's an interesting, I mean, the whole drift to the right in politics that we've seen this year, a lot of people... Yeah, once they drift at that speed, Andy, I mean,

that suggests kind of continental pace rather than the rapid slide of like when you're tipping a dustpan and brushing to a bit. So a lot of people said this is, you know, a worrying, a worrying sign for humanity that's, you know, Europe's drifting, drifting to the right. I have a slightly more positive view of this. I think it is just 1930s nostalgia. Absolutely. And loads of people wearing kind of tweed caps these days, they've become kind of trendy in the hipster community. A lot of films again where people are saying, now listen to me Slim. Art Deco, all over the place. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. For coats. I don't know if they're on, and there's probably some of them knocking around. Massive unemployment. People painting melting watches. It's not the 1930s, it's all about for me. People saying goodness me instead of a f***ing joke.

And sitting around the wireless waiting for death. And long thin fish with no clothes on. A lot of those new deals. All the rage. Oh no. and sitting around the wireless waiting for death, and long thin fish with no clothes on. A lot of those new deals, all the rage. Oh no. What? Well, he had to have at least one pun in this show. Congratulations.

I just didn't see that one coming. Right. I see that was the second one, wasn't it? It does worry me. The French right wing seems increasingly prominent, even Germany. Now, I mean, this is to across Europe. Now, Europe, Europe, Europe, Europe, Europe. Are you are you are you listening Europe? Have you got a pencil and a piece of paper

right this down and do not forget it? Europe. Read a history book. Read any history. It doesn't have to be a complicated one. Just the basic kids history book will do with little cartoon pictures if you need them. That should give you some tips about what might go wrong if we do shunt too far right as a continent. Well, you hit Russia. Or left. Well, yeah, well, exactly. That's a very interesting interpretation

of German military strategy in the Second World War. So just a few minutes. Maybe Europe's been watching L.O.O. and thinks that looks jolly. Give that another try. Right. Now, for our non-British listeners, I don't know how big the global distribution of L.O.L.O. was. It did seem a quintessentially British sitcom,

um, sets in the, uh, in the French Resistance, wasn't it? Yeah. With people with funny accents and ladies with amusing, amusingly sized decoloured targes. Yeah, and you could see why Europe would want to go back to that time. Yes, simpler times. Simpler times. You could use the word boobies and no one thought anything of it.

It wasn't considered the shot across the boughs of feminism. One thing that surprised me, Andy Andy about America taking back itself, because people are saying take back our country. No, one of the great strengths of America to me has always been its multiculturalism. Didn't expect there to be this amount of German language in it. Some rather worrying videos of political gatherings have shown thus far. Yes. of political gatherings have shown thus far. Yes. I've also seen people criticise the spelling of Seag Heil as being incorrect. Right.

And swastika is being improperly drawn. So standards of swastika. So they're saying that people using it now are spelling it wrong or they're hitly used it wrong all along. They're not spelling it correctly. Right. So you don't even have to do that. That seems to be, that should be low down the list

of complaints for me. Meaning? Yes. I mean, using it at all, I guess would be. That'll be up there. Because that is a phrase that is, as I'm sure, an etymology expert like you would agree, tainted by history at the very least.

Oh, who remembers Andy? It was ages ago. Tony Blair can come back. Who's going to remember the 40s? In other comebacks, brutal crackdowns on opposition politicians seems to be increasingly popular again, particularly in Turkey. Massive press crackdowns, I was really not to go, I said Turkey is now outstripped China in terms of most journalists in jail. Now I don't know if this is total journalists or journalists per capita of population or journalists per, you know, per 100,000 hacks, how many hacks are in the clink.

This is, according to figures, can par with the committee to protect journalist, journalists, recipe, erde one, the Turkish president, who seems to be an irritable man at the moment. More than 3000 Turks have faced charges of insulting the president, which I can imagine that. I can see how that can happen because the guy is an absolute and it must be hard. Watch out! If you live in his nation. You're in trouble. Not to think he's a f***** and given how much f***** he is, to then call him a f*****. So I can see how people might just accidentally insult him just by...

It must be hard to talk about Erder one without expressing some form of insult. I imagine even he himself has probably punched himself in the face quite often and told himself where to stick himself. Well, he's going to be in jail then soon. Yeah. Self-loathing, writ large. If I was an American journalist, I'd be a bit worried now. It's going to be interesting. We'll come on to Trump later in the new Trumpit subsection of the of the viewers. I'm very excited about it. Happy to be here for the inaugural Trumpit. norgural trumpets. In Turkey, a journalist encouraged readers to protest against Erdogan by lighting a cigarette and not putting it out.

And he was, well, apparently Erdogan does not like smoking. Right. And so this was some, and this journalist was arrested for terrorism, which seems an excessive response. He's one of 120 journalists who've been jailed since a failed coup in July. Others are in jail for advocating the resumption of the peace process with the Kurds. Some journalists have been put in the stocks

for not referring to Erdogan as a classically handsome dreamboat in articles about him. Others have been sentenced to 12 years in a government in term camp with nothing to do apart from watch recordings of 1980s Crown Green Bull's Championships, commented on unbiased screaming traffic policeman. And their crime was simply to fail to describe Erdogan's crackdown on opposition parties, free speech and minorities, as really cool, surprisingly cute even, and above all a surefire recipe to make Turkey the

greatest nation in the world. So I mean, I've also made some of that up, but it's truer than it ought to be. That's how the press works now. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Hello, Trumpeteers and welcome to issue one of the Trumpets, the exclusive Donald Trump chronicling section of the bugle. Oh God, I can't believe it's true. Anyway, some amazing things been happening as I always do as every day goes past. Fantastic. Keep giving. He's taken to issuing YouTube videos rather than getting himself in situations when people can respond. And he gave you a Thanksgiving message. Wow.

Yeah. Is he making money off the ads or YouTube? Well, that's what Delano, Franklin Delano, Roosevelt's fireside addresses are all about. She was at some massive great. Tell you what what I love. Commercial deal with a logs company. I love Jimmy Carter's YouTube makeup tutorials. Excellent at contouring.

Trump said it is my prayer and I don't know if he has a hotline to the Almighty. I would imagine given the way he's behaved this year, the Almighty might be a little cross with him. It is my prayer that on this Thanksgiving we begin to heal our divisions and move forward as one country. We've just finished a long and brewed political campaign, he went on to say, emotions of raw intentions, don't just heal overnight. Now, there's an element of hypocrisy in this. I don't know, I'm out of line,

in saying this, given that throughout the campaign he disported himself with the refinement, equanimity and statesmen like air of a frustrated bull trying to have sex with a Kawasaki 350 in the motorcycle showroom. He is behaved with the calm, even handedness and social grace of an inveterate farm animal hater on a sponsored speed slaying day at an unlicensed abattoir. And yet now he's suddenly coming across all conciliatory. I don't want this hell enough. So this before on this show, I want him to stay the **** that got him elected. Oh he is. Don't worry. But pretend that he's not. Well, he is Andy because he got very angry at the cast of the Broadway musical Hamilton

for doing a measured speech to audience member Mike Pence does not denounce all the people committing racial hate crimes in his name. So that's kind of f**king me. You just want more showboat f**king me. Right. But this speech sounds like a kind of queen speech, style speech, which would be fitting in that he's getting his children into government and thus making the presidency more like a monarchy.

I'm sitting on f*** off great golden thrones. This is it. I've always known America regretted forgetting where to the monarchy and this is proof. They've elected a monarch. There is a bit of a disaster for the Trump family this week, though. Oh. Trump's daughter Ivanka tweeted,

don't cut in half a recipe suggested amount of sugar when baking banana bread for your son's bake sale, I did, and the result is not pretty. Uh, I thought, maybe... Oh, go after everything else that's happened now, this. Maybe we should rewrite it. Don't normalize your father's misogyny racism and sociopathic disregard for the well-being of humanity

so he can secure a government job which is no way qualified. I did, and the result is not pretty. If you're not a white straight cisgendered billionaire. There was a man in Brondwick, Georgia who found election day so stressful that he went to bed that night having not found out who won. And then he woke up in the morning thinking, I feel so relaxed. I'm going to carry on not finding out who won the election. And so for two weeks, after that, if he had to go out, he put on headphones and a sign on his chair saying, I don't know who won and I don't want to know, please don't tell me. And, um, so he managed to stay in that blissful

bubble of ignorance for a fortnight. Well, he's an inspiration for the world surely. I mean, this is... Could just stay in there for four years. Be fine. Four years won't be enough. I think really we needed the entirety of humanity to stay in a bubble like that forever. Okay. Because I mean, that's what annoys people is knowing things that have happened. It's a good point. So, you know, total media blackouts just insulate in the

bubble. If I wasn't on Twitter and not exposed to a lot of think pieces about political events, well, 140 characters think pieces. Maybe I would think everything was fine. And it effectively would be, because I wouldn't know. But anyway, a local radio station got him in to reveal who won through the medium of opening up a box and either red or blue balloons would rise out of it. So that's a bit like when people have those parties to reveal the gender of their in-eutero child by cutting through the cake and it has pink or blue icing inside.

Well, they do the same, of course, when they get a new Pope in, don't they? But it's white smoke. White smoke of it's a male Pope and pink smoke of it's a male poke and pink smoke pink smoke they must regret ever buying that pink smoke machine what a waste of money. Trump in his video said it is time to restore the bonds of trust between citizens. What bond of trust would those be Donald? Are those the bonds

of trust you have absolutely shat on all year? Yeah, those ones. Those ones. Those both. Good. So get on and restore them, Andy. It's, and he's actually appointed a woman too, is Cabinet now.

Betsy DeVos, she'll be the education secretary. And don't worry, she is a billionaire. So she'll fit right in. Her husband is the heir to the Amway fortune. All right. So used to conning people. Since nice, he's draining that swamp. Getting some people in to represent the non-wealthy of the USA. Storytime now, and as trailed last week, the shortlist for the Bad Sex Awards was announced and the winner will be revealed in the coming week. The Bad Sex Awards are for rubbish

scenes of inter-gonadular throg-mordening and other forms of sexic inter-fragulations in contemporary friction and a number of big names on the shortlist including former Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis, Tom Connolly as well, Gail Forman, Erie Deloca and also this from the prominent American novelist, John Greciam, from his long-awaited sequel from a poem I believe we might have covered in previous Bugles. The sequel is entitled The Reattachment. And this excerpt from the Reattachment shortlist is for the Bad Sex Awards, read for the Bugle exclusively by the Hollywood Book Reading Star, Darnille Capellif. Mickey Stantanio looked at Inid Traff. He looked at her like he'd never looked at her before.

Like a surveyor surveying a building he'd been sent to surveyor. Aened trout looked at Stantanio, as if he were a perfectly roasted turkey at a vegan's Thanksgiving. He looked good, but he felt wrong. Both of them, one a man, one a woman, were as naked as the day they were born, in that they were wrapped in towels and covered in blood. That was a crime scene Mrs. Trautsid Mickey. Sure was Mr. Stantanio, she replied. Stantanio, his arm stretching out from his shoulders like the branches of a well-managed tree, offered her a pencil from a cigarette box.

I gave up last year he explicated. I sketched still lives instead now, want to join me? Shorthand detective, Sultry Dean,, running the pencil-led seduction across her forehead in the shape of a 19th century ship, leaving an indentation to Mickey simply screened. Sex! They sat down on the single double bed available in room 2819 of the hotel blowfly, and sketch the apple that had been left like a complimentary piece of fruit in their room. I'm no good at drawing Bermoner Deanid, the 33-year-old former 28-year-old junior detective inspector, who had worked the flugged vicar cases with

Mickey all those five years ago. Yeah, you're real shit at drawing Enid, Zett Mickey. I've seen kids potato print with more emotional depth than that formless garbage that looks like a f***ing tennis ball, not an apple, he said, with a kind of honesty. He always thought he would have applied had he been an arc critic, a doctor, or a woman. Enid screwed her picture up into a ball. Let's have, she began, sex, Mickey guessed. No, I was gonna say, let's have some sex, Mickey guessed again, frustrated, having got it wrong the first time, but convinced he was probably on the right lines. Let's have the newspaper said in it, I wanna check the snooker scores.

Oh, I was nowhere near left, Mickey, trying to make a lighter the fact that Enid's gambling problem had evidently resurfaced. Suddenly, Mickey reminded Inid of the man shit so resolutely not fallen for when they worked together on the Chokie Humstrold case. I was nowhere near, those exact words she thought, the exact tone of voice that he had used, when Julianna Humstrold had walked free from the courtroom, when new evidence had emerged that Chokie, far from being stabbed to death with a pitchfork by his jealous wife, had in fact been hit by a golf ball when dicking around at a driving range, just like the Gransman had said at the time. He count when I'm all, Mickey had said with a laugh as they left the courthouse with the

invective of an angry George Poulton-Stanner ringing in their ears. Can I kiss you?" he crisped to her. No, he didn't remember it saying quietly. There are loads of press photographers taking pictures of us here on the courthouse step, she said, and my husband is standing right here. "'I'm standing right here,' Eric trowelt, it said, before trying to punch Mickey in the face. Two seconds later, Mickey had Eric pin to the floor with two fingers held against his temple. One move and I'll pretend to shoot,' he'd said, regretting having left his far arm with the local school the previous day at a careers event so the kids could have

a play with it. But that was then, and this wasn't then, it was now, and this was a different in it, and a different Vicky Stantonio. This was now the world famous detective who'd been all over the television like mustard on a Chicago hotdog when he'd solved the case of the congressman's missing penis. An Eric had long since left the party. He was living in Ecuador with a shouting instructor named Grenita, after Google Maps, and in the wrong way on a trip to the local sming pool, and he ended up in South America with no more gas in the tank and no more stomach for the road. And now, Enoch needed a man, and not just any man, an adult man with a functioning willy and scrotum, and it just so happened that Mickey took both of those boxes.

It didn't take long. He felt the primeval prongle force rise within him, as he frondled the innit next to the hotel's complimentary wasp in, which cost $9, according to the unremoved label. Init wondered if Eve herself had ever felt such an elemental urging when she realised that Adam had only her to choose or a watermelon. She felt her impressively, impressive glurry-ups crinkle under Mickey's insensitent grope. This feels like a one-off, she said accidentally out loud. Yes, said Mickey, swiping right on his mobile phone. I'm seeing someone else now. They disentangle their respective limbs, re-clothed and ran to the station where a new case had

landed on the desk. Stantanio, Google detective chief, expect a glauch. Someone has replaced Abraham Lincoln in the Lincoln Memorial with a similarly-sized statue of the singer, Garth Brooks. Shit, said Mickey, they must really love country music. Or really hate Lincoln,, Gloucch, either way, we need you to get to the bottom of it. What's that thing, is that? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know where, where, um, just inspiration dropped it into

your mouth. Right. Well, my mouth, what do you mean? But that was, that was, that was, that was, Daniel, sorry, yeah. I don't know where he from in America. Still over the place. Yeah, North North North. North, North somewhere. Your emails now and the Hello Bueglers at theBuegelPodcast.com email address is now working. This email came in from Peter in Chicago on the subject, is it working yet?

Dear Andy, if you're reading this, then the new email address presumably is working. Yes, Peter, it is. Thanks for that email. So you can all send in your emails now to HelloBuglers at theBugelPodcast.com. Here's an email from Andrew who says, hello, the bugle, seeing as 2016, which was the UN designated International Year of the Howling Mall and everyone in the world celebrated it by collectively throwing democracy into the dumpster of destiny and setting it on fire, I wish to engage in some corrective percussion by striking each and every world leader in the head in alphabetical order. Helen and Andy answer me this. Oh, interesting cross fertilization of podcast podcast. What is the best implement for hitting

leaders of nations with? Should I use a cricket bat in celebration of empire or a hockey stick because of the curved knob on the end or perhaps a frying pan for comedic effect? Thanking you in advance in a future prison cell as the greatest howling moron of them all. Andrew. Well, uh, let's talk about hockey stick graphs with regard to global warming, don't know, is there kind of a long bit of the stick and then it's suddenly going up. Well, that would be a very effective way

to make a point that world leaders need to pertence and climate change. Feel toky or ice hockey stick? Well, I think we have to wait for the latest environmental figures to come out. I mean, if it's, I think it's ice hockey stick, which isn't curved or is a feel toky stick, that would show the graph going backwards in time, wouldn't it? If it bends around, if time is the x-axis, and the hockey stick is, you know,

the, you know, carbon emissions or whatever, or it's the y-axis, then a field hockey stick, when it's bent end, is sending the... Maybe that that's maybe that's what we need to aim for a Field hockey graph just bend the graph back so it sends all emissions backwards in time to a new ice age. Yeah That'll be a treat what about a snookable in a sock as a world leader coach This email came in from guy who writes dear Andy Chris and Helen, I presume. Um, because rich German is here instead of Chris. Yeah. So you presume wrong.

I assume wrong. As has been well documented in recent vehicles, the world has encountered many political cluster in 2016, including Brexit, the US election and India's currency problems. I'd like to recommend another country for your crazy radar, South Africa. Oh, yes. Yes. Where our father comes from. In Bugle's past, you discussed how President Jacob Zuma had been at the centre of a scandal. And Willie, I mean, this is quite a long email with a lot of detail. And it might be got an interesting story to go into in depth at a future stage. Okay, I'll dad on to talk about it. That would make for interesting listening. The details are two numerous to explain in under 3000 words,

says Guy, generously. Some network of corrupt dealings in the South African government, sounds like an excellent plot film. Zuma himself was recently the subject of a vote of no confidence in parliament, but his majority part of the ANC voted unanimously against the motion. He's gone 4 and 0 in American parlance in no confidence votes since he was first elected. So I mean that's good. Obviously people have huge confidence in him. It's one thing to avoid no confidence, folks, but surely it's a great achievement to keep on having them and still win. It's a talent I don't comprehend because is that sports parlance that someone used?

It is. Yes. They mean nothing to me. You're such a disappointment. I don't know whether to be confident in a Zoomer or not. Translate it into a language I understand. Thank you, Guy, and Cape Town. We will return to the Zoom story at a future point. Maybe when you're on the show again.

Okay. Get in touch with our heritage. Our African Roots. Thank you for your emails. Do keep them coming in to hellobuglers at thebugelpodcast.com. Do not usually old info address. That is dead to me.

That brings us to the end of this bugle Helen it's been an absolute delight to have you on the show. Thank you so much it's been an absolute delight to live in your house for the past three and a half months. That was an Airbnb booking that went horribly wrong. I will give you a review of three stars or above though. Sorry, that'll bump up my career average. Do listen to the illusionist on the wonderful radio topia network. Answer me this as well. Anything else you'd like to plug? It's about it. Right. Good. Yeah. I learnt a new word. Oh yeah, let's have Helen's word of the week. We'll have this every time you're on. I think it's a word for the next four or more years. It is Kakistocracy. Right. Rule of the absolute worst. That does not seem like an advance for humanity. I had not heard this word until Trump appointed Steve Bannon to his cabinet.

See, I tried to invent the word cantankracy the other week for the rule of the angry, which I think that's, I'm going to guess the two earned somewhat quite closely linked. Yeah. So, let's try and get those words out there. Cantankracy and Kakakracy. That's one word to say that. Kakistocracy. Kakistocracy. Yeah, the worst. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening, Beogles. Don't forget to put your tickets to my Christmas run so ho from the 20th of December. I'm also doing a UK tour from February next year and going to the Melbourne festival Late March and April so look out for that. That's not on sale yet, but Start hiding yourself up now. I'm pretty sure it's what I always forget

So usually I start plugging gigs that have already happened So I'm trying to get them ruthless salesman marketing machine out there. Don't forget the Black Friday sale of all our old merch, as well. That will come to be very valuable, like stamps with floors. Will it? Sure, you should crank up the price. Well, like my book, you can get that on Amazon for some like $9,000 due to the rogue algorithm worth every penny thinking it's become an Object of rarity

Thank you very much for listening and I will be back next week with white sonak Then on the 9th of December Nish Kumar and on the 16th and of our pal and then Helen and I doing a Christmas special the week after that So thanks for listening to Googughalers. Until next time, goodbye. The Bughal is a proud member of Radio Topia from PRX, made possible with great support from our founding sponsors, The Night Foundation and MailChimp,

Celebrating Creativity, Chaos and Teamwork. Made possible with great support from our Founding Sponsors, the Night Foundation and MailChimp, celebrating Creativity, Chaos and Teamwork.