The Bugle - Bugle 4010 – Christmas special!

Episode Date: December 23, 2016

Who needs Christmas? 2016 does. Andy and Helen share a few Christmas tales, play some games and look back at some extreme Christmases of the past. May contain murder. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, bugleaus! And welcome to issue 4,010 of the bugle I'm Andy's Ultima and hang your stockings on your

reindeer antlers and book a midwife via manger. This is the bugle 2016 Christmas special. You can, if you're not into Christmas, you can double this episode off at Hanukkah, Divale, Sathonelia, Yul, the Salas, an ancient festival in which financial discounts are offered, there's stuff known really once. This is a sorry sales, Miss Brownford. And Newton Mass, a celebration of the birth of alleged physics messiah, Isaac Newton, who was born on the 25 25th December 1642. Newton, of course, was the only one of quintuplets to reach adulthood with his faculties intact

as siblings having all been rendered insensible by their uncle Tony's well-meaning but badly designed 5 baby cradle, which resulted in the more repeatedly smashing their heads together while sleeping. Newton's big miracle, of course, was to make an apple fall out of a tree, which doesn't really stack up against his 25th-fifth December rival Jesus Christ who turned a few bottles of supermarket mineral water into enough wine to get a herd of elephants absolutely smashed Anyway, that's by the buy this is a record-breaking bugle Christmas specialists Yeah, because whilst we have them Christmas shows in the past this year We are breaking the bugle record for most Jews in a bugle Christmas show

It was one now it is two because I'm joined for this year's Christmas special By someone with whom I first spent Christmas 36 years ago in 1980 back then of course She was pinned to the top of our family Christmas tree British tradition with babies of course So mostly saying wow wow wow complaining about people's grammar, I think. It is. But one and only Helen's Oldsmann. Hello, Andy. Hello, Helen. Do you remember being nailed to the top of a Christmas tree?

You're probably too young. Yeah, well, also, I was kept sedated into losing my teens. Until you're in your teens. Yeah, we're better that way. Such a docile child. That's traditional British way of dealing with daughters. Well, what else are they going to do for those years? Euclis.

So are you looking forward to Christmas? I am, Andy. I am. Because I'm really stringing it out this year. I'm having three separate Christmases. Yes. Now, we are recording this. We are pre-recording this.

On Zoltzmann Christmase. Zoltzmann Christmase, because you're fleeing to America. Yes. Screw you guys. I'm putting old Christmas Eve because you're fleeing to America. Yeah, screw you guys. I'm putting 5,000 miles between me and the family. We're having a preemptive Christmas. It's traditional in Judaism. Yes. You beat the rush.

And I've already had one with my in-laws, and my father-in-law does a lot of gigs as Santa. Right. He's been growing out his beard since July. It's very fluffy. Oh, he's on beard. Oh, yeah. That's good commitment. Well, he looks so exactly like Santa that I think he probably is the real one.

Right. Not just in Ambassador. And the greatest gift he gave you was a husband. But more could you want me to see in a stocking when you first met him? I don't think he was wearing stockings. Didn't check. Okay. Big features coming up later on in this week's world-exclusive Christmas show, Santa Flores, with hostility to the economic elite grown by the year and amidst increasing evidence that Father Christmas gives better, more expensive presents to children with rich parents and allegations of illegal workplace labor practices and dodgy off-suring is Santa PLC showing signs of strain. Also,

manger danger. Why try to give your baby the perfect Christmas-style birth is a health and safety nightmare. We give you the top tips on how to keep cheaper away from the birthing area and how to stop an ox from doing an off-putting shit next to your midwife. And quiz math shocking. Does letting kids have time off school over the winter break mean they're more likely to fail mathematics exams the following summer, the bugle investigates. Also, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the mid. This week, a build your own audio-nativity scene. To get you started, Here are some animal noises. Now to continue your audio nativity scene, here is the Angel Gabriel.

And outy pops folks, this is the big one. Now here is your Mary, of course, the woman who put the mar into Christmas. Can everyone get out the manger please? I want some skin to skin time with my babies who he can bond. Just standing next to her, Joseph. Not my kid, not my problem. And now, the three wise men, it's cold. I guess it is a bit unimaginative. What you say, baby clothes are a problem would have been more use.

Sorry, they were clean out of Lego. That baby looks like a 25 year old man. That's all for fans. Relays. The shepherds. Come on, come on. Eli there's a fucking baby in that manger. Yeah, Shammy, all I told you about that, Shunigab, that one, the son of God. So, when the angel told me about,

Saviakid. And to complete the picture, the owner of the inn. Yeah, I've shuffled things around that you can have room eight. Hang on, are you gonna clean up that, fucking mess, it looks like a crime scene. There you go, the bugle build your own

audio notivity scene. Would it, is it a waste of time to ask where that was set? That was set. That was set. Christmas. Helen, I mean, it's one of the most prominent times of year of the year. And people always talk about, you know, good Christmas or bad Christmas. Any any Christmas is that really stand out for you as particularly good or bad. Best Christmas ever or worst Christmas ever. Well, there was that Christmas thinking about 1995,

where you and dad were having an argument, where you posited that sport is a distillation of war. And dad said, no, no, no, maybe war is a distillation of sports. And this is still going on. Oh, okay. Well, I don't think humanity's ever fully, fully come to terms with that philosophical debate. In terms of worst Christmas ever, there are a number of pretty impressive candidates from history. In particular, Christmas 1317.

From the point of view of Duke Valdemar and Duke Eric of Sweden at the new shopping banquet, and I've no idea if I pronounce that right. King Berger of Sweden was holding his Christmas celebration on the 11th of December 1317, getting it in early, at New Sheerping Castle in Sweden. And amongst the guests were his two brothers, Valdemar and Eric. Later on, he kidnapped and imprisoned them and subsequently starved them to death in the dungeon of the castle. Can you find anything to beat that as worst Christmas ever?

That's a classic Christmas, Jake. I mean, it's not a little of sibling rival where it Christmas, that when it really comes out. It really puts the strain on families, but that I believe is taking it too far, kidnapping and starving your siblings to death. I think I was quite lucky not to be imprisoned and starve to death by you or your brother. Not for one to try.

Not for one to try. Let me tell you that. It's because Dad wouldn't let us in the cellar, and we didn't have another dungeon. I tell you who else had a bad Christmas. Emperor Leo V. In 1820, he was assassinated in Constantinople. He was attending a matting service when a group of assassins disguised as monks through off their robes and drew their weapons.

They threw off their robes. Did they really do that? Or is that you're just dramatising it as if it's die hard or something? Well, it's only internet hell, and so it must be a fact. Sure, yeah. Yeah. That's the world we live in now. What were they assassinating him for? Did he choose the wrong set menu at the Christmas dinner? That is possible. I mean, it was a bit of a dispute over who should be running a gaff,

but to make it an even worse Christmas than just being assassinated, But to make it an even worse Christmas than just being assassinated, the assassinators, then got hold of his four sons and castrated them all to end the family line. That is a bad Christmas. Is it because they did not want to have nieces and nephews? Well, I guess I'm going to come sparrow out of controls, isn't it? It gets expensive at Christmas. Yeah. Because kids are really capitalists and greedy. And another fascinating historical Christmas event,

1826, the Egnog riot at the United States Military Academy. Because people finally realise that Egnog is disgusting. Well, I found it concluded. We want Bailies! We want Bailies! It concluded on Christmas day 1826. Having begun the previous evening, that's a long time to be writing about eggnog. It's really gross. Maybe they overheated it, so it's basically scrambled egg with boozing it. That's the

risky one. You can understand why a military student might also known as the Grogg Mutiny, apparently at West Point in New York. I was no one made a film of this. Oh, don't know. That, I mean, that appears to be a, a spider, I mean, you could probably drag that out of other eight series of decreasingly interesting television, as tends to be the case nowadays. Maybe it's because there'll be a lot of white fluids sloshing around on screen and it's hard to get that past the senses sometimes. Resulted in a load of court marshals, which... Really?

When you're making court marshals over eggnog, that's... Choose a different enemy than the eggnog. Just don't drink it. I think. Good Christmas. 1914. Not so good either side of it, but the famous football match in no man's lands between Britain and Germany, FC. Who won?

I don't know, Chris, you're a football fan. Do you know what the final score was on that? There is no documentation of any outcome or how many outbreaks of this game that there were across the front. Yeah, whether it was just a five aside or whether it was all of the soldiers. We don't even know how they interpreted the offside rule. Right. Well, you say that. We have another delve into the British National Sound Archives now.

From the special Christmas Day 1914 edition of the football phone in 606. You do know I used to produce this show. Alan, yeah, it's David. I just wanted to say, I thought the referee was absolutely appalling today. He let the Germans get away with murder out there. Which, actually, I thought the boys' part of a good effort and we were really let down body officials. Awful, and there was Bob Warrer on the pitch as well. Ah!

Ah! Ah! I think this episode is really showing siblings in a bad light, because I got to thinking about Good King Wentzers last, you know, the Carol that no one has ever reached the end of, because it's so long and slow. How long is it?

I think it's about 70 years long, but no one has ever got past gathering winter fuel. Well, I only get as far as good King Wenceslash looked out. I assume it's the best bit. Hinned with a close LBW decision, that was then not given by the Amphi. That's one for cricket fans. And, if you are a cricket fan, do try to spread the sporting jargon, the wensers last for a close but refused leg before wicket decision. I really hope this happens for you, Andy. Yeah, I know. You don't seem to care about this, Helen.

It's very much a one-man crusade. You're getting the wensers last so-called. You're such a disappointment. Just do him a favour, please. Then we don't have to hear about it. But I was wondering why he was considered so good. And I found out that it was because he was considered so dead. He was brothers, brothers getting a very bad rap in this. So, you know, take about what you will. He was stabbed to death by three of his brothers' friends, then his brother, Bollislav, finished him off with a lance. If three stabbers is not enough, you've got to cabab him as well. Was this at Christmas or not? No, I think it was in September, although some people estimate that as when Christ would have

really been born, anyway, judging by census data. But then if you go by when Shepherds would have been turning their flocks outside, it's more likely Jesus was born in April. This is a kind of... Definitely not December though. Jewish nonsense, I feared, when I invited you onto this show. I'm...

He was born on the 25th of December. Sure. And that is why Santa Claus comes on the 25th as the earthly representative of Jesus. They even got the same beard. Carry on. So, and then, Boris Lav the murdering brother with the lance,

his son was born on the day that went to Stas was murdered. And so they named him... One in one out. They named him Stratkfast, which means a dreadful feast. So about as close as I murdered your uncle on your birthday as you can get. That's a classic Dolly Parton song, isn't it? Country is very moving. So yeah, I think he was...

And then in the carol, it's the Feast of Stephen, which is Boxing Day in Britain. Right. of Stephen, which is Boxing Day in Britain. And since Stephen is the patron saint of horses, head aches, casket makers, and Owensbrook and Tucky. In that chronological order. Well, Kentucky was his favorite way. Thought horses are popular. Let's get them out the way first. Head aches, everyone can identify casket makers

that come to everyone, eventually. Right. And so here we celebrate it on Boxing Day with cold food sandwich. headaches, everyone can identify casket makers that come to everyone, eventually. Right. So here we celebrate it on Boxing Day with cold food sandwich. And in a lot of places they celebrate with horse riding because it was the Patriotic Forces. A lot of people get headaches for sacred reasons. But in Wales, until the 19th century, the St Stephen's Day custom was to beat people with

branches of holly, but specifically people who got up late and female servants. Right. Mer-mer-mer-cruisements. What? I mean, how long did this tradition last in Wales? Well, I want to know why it stopped. They run out of holly. Right. Because the 19th century was a time when a lot of people still had

traditions that evolved beatings and sexism. Right. Right. That's the PC brigade, isn't it? Can't do anything these days. You can't even beat a female servant with holly at Christmas. And you Brussels. What do they have against late rises?

Well, boxing there, a lot of people are hung over. Thank you, Brussels. What do they have against late writers? Well, boxing there, a lot of people are hung over. The time now for the 2016 Bugle Christmas quiz. And, hello, no, we've got questions for each other and you'll be able to answer the multiple choice questions. Okay.

Write your answers down on a bit of paper and if you get them all correct, you win the rights to join Santa's team of reindeer for next year's Christmas delivery. You have to go at the back at the back. It's got a bit a lot of farting in your face. Next to Blitzon. I think who the back pair in the set up these days? Stephen Dan. The new reindeer. Yeah. Helen, here's my first question for you. According to the gospel, according to St Luke, which of the following things did the flock watching shepherds actually say?

Was it, eh? Are you sure that thing is a messiah? Because it's just done a really weird looking dark green shit. Was it, eh? It's 30 shettles for the pure will blanket, take it or leave it. I can't go any lower, I've got my own kids to feed and it's Christmas and little e-frame once a new donkey. Was it C, let us now go even unto Bethlehem and see this thing which has come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. Was it D,

don't ask me where you can find a f***ing hospital mate, I'm working, I'm on f***ing nights, I'm f***ing knackered and I can't see my fucking flock properly because it's fucking night time. Or was it, E, can you not do that under a poncho or something? I'm not comfortable with women breastfeeding in public. I know it's natural and that, but it's not B.C. And I'm not ready for it. So what's your instinct of...

E. You think E? Yeah, I think in those times, yeah. Definitely not progressive about breastfeeding. No. Although a lot of people will tell you that there's no not BC, because I said it once and... I mean, people get riled about that. It's important, isn't it? That was one of the biggest problems we face today.

But the problem is, I mean, what do you call it? You call it one BC or minus, like, minus one... Yeah, he wasn't born that year. Hell, he's sorry. I like his his fictional, but also because there wasn't a census that year. So it's more likely he was born in four BC or six AD. Well, well, baby's only born in years with censuses. That's why they go to Bethlehem. Right. Because all the citizens were...

How to participate in a census. Oh, really? Otherwise, you could have stayed at home in Nazareth and had the baby at home in the birthing pool that she'd set up. Could you not have done it online? Well, I have the baby online. No, filling the census form. Well, it was dial-up in those days. I mean, look, if God has got her up the duff, he's going to pull a few strings, surely. No, I mean, typical gets her pregnant and then just skips out on the aftercare. Anyway, Bugglers, write your answer down. A, B, C, D, or A. Do you have a question? Sure. At the Zoltzmann household, which gift could you have expected to find in your Christmas stocking? A, vitamin pills.

B, a waste paper basket, or C, a brick. LAUGHTER Well, running back through my catalogue of... I keep an online record of every single Christmas gift I've ever received. Just check it out now. Oh, yeah, do get a lot of vitamin pills. I'm going... I mean, instinctively,

I'm, well, that one I give the answer away, I would, I would think all of the above. Yeah, but not in the same year because we weren't spoiled. Right. I was slightly given away the answer for that one. But anyway, keep writing it down because there's a big prize, big place we had it. I've got another, my second question for you.

Why might Rudolph not only have a red nose, but also a fear of gardening shears? Is it A, because he's at his nudge-as-lopped-off? Was it B, because in 1946, in a reindeer team, Sean of Blitzenden and Donna, the two German origin squad members, who were then in Nuremberg fighting a court case. Clipped to chimney, Rudolph did taking off from a house in Wisconsin towards the end of the worldwide delivery run, crashed into a garden shed, took a pair of shears right in the shoulder at high speed. Was it sea because as a child Santa Claus used to cut the grass that Rudolph was about to graze on with shears right in front of his face when Rudolph was just a young child reindeer.

Although he would lay to credit clause with toughening him up to become the team leading reindeer, he is today capable of leading the physically gruelling Christmas delivery run. He still has psychological scars to do with shares. So A, B or C. One of them was so long I've forgotten the other ones. Well, I mean, I mean, I'm going to give the answer. It was a, but I'll write that down. The male reindeer's lose their antlers in winter. So when you see Rudolph with antlers in all the Christmas pictures, and that's a jazz. He had his nuts locked off with a pair of garden chairs. Oh, right.

I mean, yeah, I mean, he might have, yeah. But then, because the antlers weren't the mating thing, so they could impress the ladies and also fight off the rival male reindeer. Yeah. And if he had been neutered, would he need to grant us at all? Well, I don't know, but if he's got antlers, he said his balls jobs off. That's what I know. I'm a scientist.

And ask Attenborough, if you don't believe me. All right. And he had a red nose because apparently reindeer is a very prone to nasal infections. There were a lot of mucus folds. Really? Yeah. So he could have just been coming off of the colds. In which case he shouldn't be working. Yeah, but you know, he's gonna get post viral syndrome. He's on the zero hours contract.

Do you think so? I'm gonna take the day off. When you've got one big job a year, you play through the pain. Well, he temps a lot the rest of the year. What does he do to you? Data entry. Really?

Yeah. Is that what he dates at Christmas? Yes, yes, Andy. Do you have another question for us? Do you have a deal? Britain's Queen of Christmas is Delia Smith, who's key to a successful Christmas dinner, is meticulous preparation. Andy, to be sure your turkey is ready on time, when does Delia say you should put it in the oven? A. Christmas Eve. B. Last Christmas, just after you took that turkey out, or C. when Mary Mother of God's contractions are four minutes apart.

What? So you put the turkey in the oven as the bun in the oven is about to come out, essentially? Yeah, 2000 years ago. Right. I don't think it's that one. I think, dear, she likes a slow cook and you want to make sure that turkey is ready. So I'm going to, I think, yeah, what you have your traditional Christmas turkey oven. Yep.

And you cook the turkey for a, for a year. Yeah. And then it's definitely ready. Definitely ready. And then you've got the whole year to prepare and write your lists. Yeah. And then it's definitely ready. Definitely ready. And then you've got the whole year to prepare and write your lists. Yeah. There you go.

More than twice because twice is for slackers. So she says Christmas Eve. Oh, I'm clearly, I mean, you brought a lot of bullshit to this quiz, Helen. I thought that's what you wanted for Christmas. That is not what the show is about. I'm sorry to bring its name into Bullshit's trough. Right. Bullshit's trough incidentally was the name of Ebenezer Scrooge in the first draft of Christmas Carol.

Here's my next question for you. Who or what is or was birthday of the unconquerable son? Was it a 1970s prog rock album by the influential British group Venus Cheesehammer, co-performed with the US outfit the fallopian popes? Was they platinum selling follow-up to Venus Cheesehammer's debut album Love Arrows from the Quiver of Thor? The record birthday of the Uncomfortable Sun was favourably compared to their great rivals, the electricity trouser, hit number one that year with vomit stains on a Satan's carpet. Was it B? Birthday of the Uncomfortable Sun was the Roman midwinter festival that was a four-unruf Christmas celebration, the Sun God, Sol Invictus. Was it C, a code name for a World War II black ops op in which undercover

allied agents would shine incredibly bright giant torches through Hitler's bedroom window to disrupt his sleeping patterns. Was it D, the Kennel Club name of Britney Spears Petruo a bit pit, officially known as birthday of the uncomfortable son, or was it E, the initial title of the hit children's book by Roger Hargreaves, Mr. Happy? I think D definitely D. D. Don't I think it's... Every Brittany fan knows. Once again, it is all of the above, possibly with a sly of this one B. You know when you're telling a lie Andy, you have to stop at some point. Otherwise people stop. You just give yourself away. Don't say that.

I can say that like Christmas. I mean, that's been going for over 2000 years now. No, no, what's to stop it? To say it, to say it's a lie is like to say any novel you've ever read. They're all lies. They're lies. It's just, it's just, look, this is how we ended up in this post-fact universe, Chris, like you. I have one more question for you, Andy. What does the In-Wed Jesus was born score on TripAdvisor? LAUGHTER Character falls shabby-sheaker accommodation

in a converted stable, five stars. Frankincense in the minibar makes a change from Pringles, four stars. Shepherds stop by with their sheep. Luckily, the place is pet-friendly, three stars. The cattle are stopped by with their sheep. Luckily the place is pet friendly, three stars. The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes, bad night's sleep, two stars. They lost our reservation, no room at the inn, one star. Oh, I reckon two stars.

I mean, you don't want lowing cattle in her. You don't. I mean, does the listing say they're far animals. When an in you don't you don't really expect it to be a full functioning farm as well. Yeah, but then for some people that would be a bonus something for the kids. Right. And one of these like experience holidays, we go and know what it's like to live on a farm. It's like some people will love that a pub has an adventure playground in the back. Other people think day drinking is only for the over 40s.

Yeah, I mean, if it's just an adventure playground and a manger, I would take an adventure playground any day of the week. Yeah, they could have wrapped Jesus in swadding clothes and laid him on this grumble net. Yes, testify. Finally, I have one more question. Oh, two more questions for you. Okay. Which of the following Christmas facts is lease false?

Oh, God. None of the above. Hey, the renowned Spanish bank, Santander, was set up by Santa Claus in Spain in 1857. He created the Banco Santander, alongside Rudolph, and the other rain days as co-directors to give his fans the safe money through the interspender Christmas. B, the tradition of the Christmas cracker evolved from the legendary octopus like sea monster, the Kraken.

A beached Kraken, washed up on the shore of Norfolk in England on Christmas Day 1532. The local army battalion attempted to dispose of it by blowing it up with explosive, and as the bang went off, the creatures' guts blasted open to reveal the remnants of a half-digested crown, thought to be that of the lost Germanic prince Ulfrey. And all that was left of which was the brightly coloured paper lining, as well as a set of now unusable playing cards and some tiny screw-drafters shrunk by the beast's stomach acids. Plus what was assumed to be cryptic espionage messages, but which later turned out to be just terrible puns. That's the original of the Christmas cracker, hence later conflated to cracker. See, most Christmas trees are in fact

not Christian. Only 24% of all Christmas trees worldwide believe Jesus was the son of God. 6% of Jewish, 31% of Christmas trees are Hindu interestingly, and 13% of Christmas trees describe themselves as non-religious spiritual, most the rest of practicing pagans. D. In Poland, spiders or spiders webs are common Christmas tree decorations. Because according to legend, a spider woven blanket for baby Jesus. This legend is supported by the controversial and as you unrecognise fifth gospel according to an album, which reads in chapter four, verse three, and low, Mary did suddenly sit bolt upright and she did scream, I get that fucking thing off my baby, get it off my baby. And Joseph to say, chill out, Maz, it's just a daddy long legs.

Um, arm, I'm used to use Christmas decorations to cover up the spiders webs in the house. So which is least false that lot? I think the spider webs one is least false. Yeah, that's actually true. That's actually our... Least false? 100%... 100% on false. That's the first few, isn't it? Congratulations. Yeah, thanks. And one of most Christmas trees are not Christian. That's also true. So some of the detail on that was maybe not factually verifiable.

I think most of them are just agnostic. Yeah. They think Richard Dawkins takes it too far and they're hedging their bets just in case there is enough. I've got one more question for you. Okay, great. What do Jesus Christ, the renowned Christian Messiah and Christmas legend, and England crew kept in Alistair Cook having common? They both have their birthdays on Christmas day. Well, Jesus doesn't so. Be they're both associated with long thin rectangular bits of wood. See they both had run-ins with teammates, Christ with Judas Iscariot and Cook with his former batting partner Kevin Peterson. Oh yeah that one. No doubt. I'd say all three again, all of the above. But anyway, Bugles, send in your answers

on a piece of parchment and we'll put them in the bin for you. Mine are A-A-A-A-H-H-H exclamation mark. Do you need a distakol someone, Chris? I'm really nervous about Christmas. I always get really nervous about Christmas two days before Christmas. Why? It's just so much I still haven't done. We're in life.

Yes. You're like, it's Christmas and it all ends here. You know, it's like everyone wants the perfect Christmas, don't they? I've got a drive on boxing day. Well, Tom, are you willing to accept 7 out of 10 then? Yeah. And stop worrying. of 10 then. Yeah.

And start worrying. Christmas feature section now, last minute, Christmas shopping. Now, obviously, most of you will probably have done your Christmas shopping by buying tickets for my Christmas show at Soho Theatre from the 20th of December, which is now passed by the time this is released until the 7th of January, or my UK tour, or even my Melbourne Festival show, which is non-sale yet. And you have a DVD out. Oh, yeah, thanks for that for that. How many copies have you got to get rid of that? I've got a couple of thousand in a box at home. You do and it's two years old so it was from a more

innocent time. It was. Well it's become an interesting historical document. My DVD is just come out in time to slightly miss the Christmas rush available at gofastasterStreep.com. But people are nostalgic at Christmas, remember they're thinking, ah, the Cameron Clegg Coalition, what was it? You have no better days of snowflakes. Yeah, it was recorded in Cardiff in December 2014. And there's just out for reasons of personal disorganization. But anyway, it's available,fastestripe.com. Anyway, if you've not bought either tickets to my show or my DVD, here is our official

Bugle Last Minute Christmas presents guide and gift catalogue. Including one in this, so I've got one here, this lovely item here, Helen. This is a canister of air from the year 2015. Why not breathe some pure air from a pre-Brexit, pre-Trump world. This nostalgia canister of air from 2015 could be just the thing you're looking for to share yourself up as we enter a world that cannot possibly be being mental as 2016. Also, why not, a lot of people get subscriptions for Christmas now. And, yeah, subscription coffee, subscription wine. Why not try a subscription auntie or uncle? Are you bored of having the same old extended family year after year? How about livening things up for yourself

in your spouse and off the rings with a different aunt or uncle every month in 12 installments, a new temperance and inter-uncle from family fresheners range of certified and safety-screened interim relations could brighten up those repetitious family gatherings or even just a basic dull weekend in with the kids. An impugul exclusive promotion, just $11,995 for the year subscription.

That's under $1,000 a month, just. Relatives must be fed at the purchase expense. If that doesn't take you fancy, then we can offer you the Sign Your Own Treaty kits. This is a great present for people who like, you know, international deals. Are you bored of waiting for politicians to get their asses and gear and make major international agreements? Then try the Negotiatics DIY Treaty Kit. Choose from four different 40-card diplomacy packs, piece deal, trade agreement, commercial protocol, or ethical convention. You and the person country trade local terror group you're dealing with simply choose seven demand cards

each from the pack of 40, which deal with everything from land borders, import tariffs, and religious freedoms to financial reparations, extradition agreements, and the legal, legal allowable, a length of carrots. You then each choose to reject two of your opponent's demand cards out of hand, and negotiate until you agree on to each of your own demands, also to jettison. The remaining six cards are placed face down, each party randomly selects one more demand to be excluded from the treaty, and the anger of the two parties involved then chooses another card at random from the pack to add to the final deal.

The five cards in the deal are then scanned into the accompanying negotiatics' automatic small print generator to fill in all the troubles and minutiae that can take years for civil servants and policywanks to haggle into being. Hey Presto, your international treaty in under 20 minutes, the ideal gift for the special someone in your life who was also a high ranking political or diplomatic official You go Christmas Q&A now some of you have sent in Twitter queries to us via Twitter about about Christmas um Or indeed other things so I'm in clothe

asks What day will the world end next year? I'd like to budget accordingly. And that is, that would be a good thing about knowing when Armageddon's going to happen, just the absolute mayhem of people going on sprees of various kinds. It's going to be like one huge golf sale, isn't it? That's in the book of Revelations. It will be something resembling an enormous global golf style. I think the world won't end next year because it wants to string out the misery a little longer. So is that comfort or the opposite of that?

Anyway, spend all your money on a bunker. A bunker. Yeah, invest in your future. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. And Tinned food and gaffer tape. Josie McPhisto asks, which of you to is greater at celebrating Christmas in the fashion least befitting your Jewish heritage? Well, I have already given Andy his Christmas present,

which is a leg of Spanish ham. So I think that makes us equal, doesn't it? Yeah, that is, I mean, that's, yeah. If we could get this in heritid any more than, than, or any of that, that would happen. Yeah, but I don't see that as, I see that as building bridges, as trying to understand meat bridges, how, how other people live by eating highquality Spanish ham for a couple of months. It's good of you Andy. Yeah, I'm here. I'm trying to keep multiculturalism going with pork. Also,

Jose or Jose asks, does Helen have any advice for the people of Slovakia this Christmas? Well, I hope that the people of Slovakia are going to be generous and inclusive of people of different cultures and faith, because this month's Slovakia past legislation to stop is some being recognised as an official religion and they're not allowed to have any mosques. There are I think 2000 Muslims in Slovakia at the moment. And the chairman of the Slovak National Party said, Islamization starts with a kebab. And we all know where kebabs lead to Andy, bit of indigestion overnight. Bit of indigestion overnight and full sharia law.

Yeah. Evidently. Yeah. So we must do everything we can so that no mosque is built in the future. Right. Which I think is a bit of a logical leap. Well, that's what politics is all about these days. I think Savakia needs to accept the cababs and the multi-faith. Right. In that order. See how the cabab goes. So, see how the Kabab goes. Kabab is what gateway multiculturalism? Well, apparent, it's either gateway multiculturalism or gateway radicalism. Right.

Maybe they should just get rid of Kababs and let the Muslims have their mosque. I'm that's an interesting compromise. No. It's no good rid of Kababs. I'm seeing you thinking how much I love a chicken kebab and wondering if it makes me sheer or sunny. LAUGHTER Oh, we need to check that on Wikipedia, actually. I've got an expert.

This question, Helen, came from Chris Grig, who asks, is nepotism becoming a problem in podcasting? Who pods the podcasters? What does that even mean? Who pods the podcasters? Things don't have to mean what they think they mean anymore. You should mean more than nothing. Right. Yeah.

You're a f***ing greedy man. Dismiss that question. Podcast means podcast. Right. Pretty much the case. Like so it's another portmante words that a lot of people find objectionable. What podcast?

Yeah. You're obsessed with portmante words. You mentioned the last time you're on the show, didn't you? Portmante, well, they've defined our year and the... and our industry. Well, that brings us to the end of your bugle 2016 Christmas special. Helen, by the time this is published, you will be across the Atlantic. Yeah. Are you going to do a Temptacure America of 2016? I think I've got a good chance. Right.

Or I reckon maybe I can invagle my way into the cabinet. In, in Vagel? Yeah. That's a lovely word, isn't it? Treat yourself. It's invagling. Right. I mean, Trump does seem like the man who can be invagled. Can you invagle someone that is... You can now. That's the world we've landed in now. You can invagle your way into someone or a very important political role. That's a sense of what he did. He invagled himself.

Yeah, all he was invagled by foreign forces. Oh, yes. We talked about that last week. Well, it's all the rage to talk about that. By last week, what I mean is about an hour ago, as I record this. I really ruining the mystery. Sorry. Yeah, showbiz. What are you doing for Christmas, Andy? Well, sport on the Phil P, there'll be some sport I imagine. The second test between Australia and Pakistan will be beginning at midnight on Christmas day our time. So no doubt. So I'll sit up with with our parents and my children and we'll watch them. Pakistan be disappointingly inept in Australian conditions. I'm sorry. You won't be there to join us just like the first Christmas. I'm sorry you won't be there to join us. Just like the first Christmas. Yeah.

Anyway, Buglers, we have a week off next week with Christmas and New Year. Christmas, we could all put something out. Can we put something out in that week? Yeah, shall I? Why not? Right, well, I have a great Christmas in America, Helen. Do they sell a great Christmas in America?

I forget. I know it's in films and stuff. It seems popular in the films and in the shops. Right. Enjoy your Christmas dinner. Thanks, Andy. Enjoy yours. Yeah, we'll be eating a bit of cow, I think. Oh, really, which bit?

Meaty bit. It's big, sad eyes. It's not its head or tail, but it's a bit of a memento. From the tail. Which is not a snob. Six people are feed. Anyway, um, can nibble it like a corn cob together. Thank you for listening, but you glues. There will be a show next week. Um, what it is,

I'm not prepared to say at this stage, but it's a surprise, a sum of bugle to take you through to New Year. Uh, and I'll be back early in January, uh, with Harry Condobolo, then Nishkumar, then Anivab Pal, and then Helimal back as well in January or beginning of February. Totally. Thanks for listening this year. It's been great fun to be back and have an absolutely sensational Christmas.

And I'll see you all of the so-how theatre, 20th to the 23rd of December. Well, that's gone. 28th to the 30th. That still, that's will come up if you download it in time. Andth to the 30th. That still that's will come up if you download it sometime and third to the 7th of January. Bye bye! you