The Bugle - Bugle 4011 – George W Bush Nostalgia

Episode Date: January 7, 2017

2017 – set to be the best year since 2015, brings a new Bugle with Andy Zaltzman and Nish Kumar. This week it's Brexit resignations, Trump tantrums and MASSIVE CHICKEN NEWS. Plus, technology, who cares? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers! And welcome to the first bugle of 2017, a year that could easily be destined to go down. The greatest year since 2015, who knows, really to say, this is bugle issue,

2011, I'm Andy Zoltzmann, and this is one of the very few stars of international showbiz to have survived the killing fields of 2016 Delighted to wish you all a happy new year. I'm in London and by the most fortunate of coincidences So is my guest co-bue will host this week all the way from also in London this Kumar Hello Andy. Hello, Bueglers. I'm back. Yes. Welcome. Welcome back. We made it through 2016. Yes Googlers are back. Yes, welcome welcome back. We made it through 2016. Yes. Yes. Do you not think at 11.59 pm on the 31st of December, somewhere in the world Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were sitting in a room high-fiving this year's out of each other saying, I cannot believe we've made it.

Yeah. Why us? I imagine they fix themselves up a lovely couple of heroine sandwiches and toasted midnight. How was your end 2016? Well Andy, I was in Kenya. I continued in quest to travel around the world and not learn anything as I go. I was in Kenya living with the Mass Eye for travel programs. I think I mentioned last year as the reason I was in Mongolia and we were living with the Massai. I was there, my friend Joel Dombic. And you know, in England, Andy, Joel is sort of the athletic one in our friendship. And I'm really more his fat, sassy sidekick.

And I think I was hoping that traveling to Africa would somehow invert that dynamic. The Massai came up with some nicknames for us very quickly. They nicknamed Joel the European and Simba and they nicknamed me Pumba and the one who falls over. So it's all good stuff. Well, welcome. Where's your next exciting trip to? I'm off to Brazil. Next week. Well, you're going to learn the overhead kick? Or, you know, you're going to learn beach football. We're going to learn beach football in the art of the carnival. Break back those costumes, Nick. I don't like this thing.

So this is Bugle 4,011 for the week beginning 9th of January. 9th of January, interestingly, revealed by scientists to be the day and the year on which people are most likely to start an affair. And when I say scientists, I mean some kind of dodgy dating website that is profiting from the lucrative home-recking industry. And apparently, ninth of January is when most people are likely to sign up to, I want to have an affair.com or whatever it's called um why you may ask uh possibly because it is a couple of historic anniversaries it's the anniversary of the state funeral of Admiral Nelson who was known to swing it about a bit uh it is also the anniversary of the first incarnation of modern income tax in 1799 which presumably presumably has got people pretty hard under the collar.

As always, some sections of this newscast are going straight in the bin. As all good audio newspapers do, this week's section in the bin is Trendsys17. What trends will 2017 be trended with? And we focus particularly on the follow-up to the smash hit 2016 Danish trend of Huga. Chris, is that how it's pronounced? Yes. Yes. Pure expert on all. All languages.

Pronunciation of Scandic words. Scandico respondent for the new ones. Huga. Which of course took Britain by storm. Hic correspondent for the New York. Hugh Gert. Which of course took Britain-based on Hugh Gert for those you don't know. It's, uh, Nish, you didn't seem very familiar. No, I've got no idea what it's all about. Basically involves putting Wolley socks on

and making yourself feel all snug and nice by, for example, having a nice hot cup of cocoa and not thinking about all the atrocities before my humanity on itself over the course of history. And it's not worrying about the inevitability of loss and death and above all, not reading below the line comments on the internet. What will be the who get of 2017? We look at the international candidates.

Well, some people are tipping Congolese mbantantu, which means jungle heat. People could be living in oppressively unrelenting heat and humidity in especially constructed airtight living rooms, with the huge likelihood of contracting a tropical illness, rather a bit more edgy than who got. The German Stroppel, Stroppel is a very angry way of living a strong, a strong place where living,

which involves every morning, you spend one hour shouting at inanimate objects in your house, get it all out of your system, and it helps the at inanimate objects in your house, get it all out of your system, and it helps the rest of your life, your commutes, your work, your family seemed relatively low stress, so I think that's gonna be taken away by storm. I've been living my life for 31 years, and,

and, and, and Danish, another Danish one, which is the fall-up to Hugo, which is Tudum, which is what Danish people do when they realize that just sitting at home being warm is a bit dull and emotion involves jumping into other people's bathrooms naked. So we'll see what comes up. This week we're going to monitor the 9th January 2017, as we were called, Friday the 6th would have been the 33rd birthday of, so I'm tearing up a bit here, my former dog Tash. Still can't believe she's gone. 2016's last victim.

Yeah, well, I mean, it was 1997, but I'm in. Still 2016, you have asked. And a thousand years, exactly to the day, Nish, since King Canute became King of England. Is it really? Yeah, little Willie Wett tells himself. The Danish King of England also doubled up with a cheeky bit of Monica here in Eranor and Norway in Denmark. Coronated 1,000 years ago on this very spot, London Town, a different place back then,

a millennium ago you could get a seat on a train in those days. So happy millennium anniversary, King, can you? It's so hard to tell in this post-truth society which bits of your bullshit I should believe. I'm still trying to figure out whether it really is the anniversary of King. That's genuine history. I think this is gonna be your year Andy.

In the year of post-truth, I think this is going to be your year Andy. In the year of post truth, I think you are about to be... You are the comedian for the Trumpet. Oh, as I was described in the Times in a review for my so-how show, Left Behind Sidekick. LAUGHTER That was, fortunately, not in the print edition that my parents saw, but that was the subhead on the web page. Thanks to all of the all beuglers who have come to see the 2016 The Certifiable History. Because without beuglers, I would have been performing that in a phone box.

Thanks once again for your continued support. Top story this week. Crap! New Year! Andy, it's 2017. And for some reason, a lot of people assume that the end of 2016, with all of the problems that has brought us, would somehow undo all of that damage, like the end of a fairy tale where when you kill the witch, all of the stuff that the end of a fairytale where when you kill the witch All of the stuff that the witch has done gets magically undone

I think a lot of people assumed that on the first of January 2017 all of the problems set up by the previous year We're just magically vanish and to all of those people let me just say this. I have some magic beans I think it would be very interesting 2017 is gonna be the year that all of the reasons we hated 2016 actually come into force. So let's start by looking at a couple of the elements of the upcoming shit show that we've got to look at. Let's start with Brexit. Yeah, can't wait. Can't wait. We are article 50 coming up in March. What else? Yeah. The Brexit trap door is going to be sprung open.

I mean, gotta be the biggest article of 2019. It's a huge article. It's an absolutely huge article. The trap door to our national freedom will be yanked open. Brexit skeptics suggesting that we're really just haggling over whether it's a trap door leading to a long drop or short drop hanging. There'll be a lot of foot twitching either way. Brex thosiasis saying it's a trap door that will deposit us into a get-away speed boat to surf the oceans as Britannia intended as free as a while.

So how do white while that? Who knows? It's not it's not going well at the minute. There's a slight Brexit-based arguments developing. So Ivan Rogers, the UK's top diplomat to the EU, has quit his job and he is not quit quietly Andy. He's not resigned gracefully, tipped his hat and walked out. He's very much exited flipping the bird in all directions with a tattoo on his head that says, go fuck yourself!

Now, it's interesting with Ivy Rogers. He was a man about whom until a few days ago, no one had strong opinions, unless they were Ivan Rogers, Mrs. Rogers, if there is a Mrs. Rogers, in the higher echelons of the diplomatic service or obsessed with people called Ivan. But now, these quit early as Britain's ambassador to the EU, everybody has, everybody has an opinion. Very strong opinions. I never knew how much I cared about Ivan Rogers until about three days ago. And now, I've been seems to be either, he was just

a civil servant trying to do his job to the best of his ability, or he was a traitorous borderline German trying to destroy the entire country. And nothing in between. Yeah, there is no room for nuance when it comes to Ivan Rogers. In Quitting, he certainly bowed to his staff, where he criticised the muddled thinking that seems to be going on behind the scenes and encouraged them to speak truth to power. He also castigated the government for ill-founded arguments

and muddled thinking, which is also an extract from a review of my 2038 in the chat. Boom. Bye. 2017. I'm back. muddled thinking is what we voted for in this country. I've said this before, I'll say it again.

There is no plan because we voted for a no plan Brexit.. The option of a planned Brexit was not on that ballot paper. It was a absolute wad in the dark. One man, only too happy to dip in. The wad in the dark was actually the name of that end of a show. Well, one man, only too happy to dip his unnecessary wang into the pot to stir this molding ball and aesver story was former conservative leader Ian Duncan Smith, also former work and pension secretary and renowned savior, Stroke Scourge of the poor and the disabled elites, according to whether or not you are Ian Duncan Smith.

He said that Rogers have been kept out of the loop on Brexit because he's not trusted by politician. Ouch. It's not a loop, I don't think. It's more a loop for loop on Brexit. We've got a white knuckle, fair ground ride with a basic. The basic thrust is scream if you want to go faster and or harder, or at least just scream anyway and then complain if you're not going fast enough. And who cares if the ride is going to career off the rails and land in a

hedge as long as it's going fucking fast and fucking hard. John Redwood, who's another long time your esceptic said, Survivor's heart was not in the negotiations and then he went on to say the talks do not need to be that complicated. If you leave, you leave. But that doesn't make any sense. That doesn't, the talks are incredibly complicated. Is it just a question of Britain just, the upping sticks and f***ing off? F***ing off.

Is it not? I mean, maybe we should just do that. Maybe we should just up sticks and f*** off to Canada. There's a lot of just space in Canada. Take some thermals. Well, that'll teach him. Does this mean that we're now a sort of free agent that we've left the EU and we could be signed up

by any other continent that's maybe looking to add some experience and old school racism. That's right. Yeah, well, I can see us joining South America. Yeah. We don't quite have the flair in our foot. Well, however, they need a bit of good old-fashioned British insularity.

I can see the press conference already with us sitting awkwardly answering tedious questions from journalists. So I've always wanted to be part of South America. I just want to get out there and do what I do best. The concern does seem to be that anyone who opposes Brexit is sort of seen as a kind of traitor and needs someone who needs to be expelled. Nigel Farage, who is a total... ...as weighted in a game, saying that he hopes to arrive in as the first of many to go. And the spirit of Brexit seems very much to be, we have got our freedom back, and if you

don't agree, go f**k yourself. That is the spirit of Brexit. Forage complained about who, so Ivan Rogers was replaced with, he was replaced with Satim Barrow, and Forage put up a tweet saying, good to see that the government have replaced a knighted career diplomat with dot dot dot a knighted career diplomat. Well, fair point, Nigel, because of course the last thing you want in top level diplomacy is a diplomat. We're actually not a career diplomat with years and years of relevant experience, because

they're just going to come in, Nish, their hack-need old ways of doing diplomatic stuff, negotiating stuff, by the book. And what we need in this country, we don't need that, we need an absolute novice who comes in unencumbered by the deadweights of experience and expertise, unconstrained by the constricting shackles of having even a vague f***ing clue what might be going on. What we need is a randomly chosen Brexit voter as our official Brexit Britannia representative to sit in a paddling pool. Sit in a paddling pool in the middle of the negotiating room

wearing a knot in handke's e from the head saying, do I, Syro, I'll splash you? What we need, Nish, as only Mr Farage has had the courage to point out is someone who believes in Brexit, someone who will sit in the negotiations with their eyes squeezed tight shut on their fingers and their ears, believing as hard as they possibly can. What we need is someone dressed as a bulldog to run around, barking at the Germans and

shitting on the carpet. That's what we need. We don't need a career diplomat. God save the queen, I'm tearing up over here. Some of the criticism is, I'm put in terms that I simply don't understand. So Tom Fletcher, who's a former ambassador to Lebanon, was frustrated by criticism of the Brexit plans.

And he said this, he said, I think people are getting a bit fed up of why aren't we being more open with the plans. Muhammad Ali didn't brief everyone in advance on the rumbling the jungle. Now that did me. He did. Muhammad Ali, of all of the boxes he could have chosen, that was possibly the worst. Muhammad Ali briefed absolutely everyone on everything he was going to do at Eddie

One's time. That is probably the worst exactly could have chosen. But also crucially, even if he hadn't done that, when Muhammad Ali fought in the rumble of the jungle, he didn't have to explain to all of us what he was going to do, because there was no danger of anyone else getting punched in the face. He then went on to say, again, I don't know how these people have times, so much not watching sport. He's written, most of all, I think people are sick of the constant criticism. West Ham players perform much better when they're not being booed by their own side the whole time. We need to let our people get on with it now. Now, first of all,

for anyone who has watched West Ham this season knows that they do not play well regardless of one crowd. But also, that is a game, an imperfect analogy. No one is booing anyone. People are just trying to figure out what's going on, what the terms of Brexit are, and how this is going to affect all of us going forward. This is different between booing someone and just asking for some basic information. This is not like they played badly, it's like they've sat on the ball and are refusing to tell us what's going to happen with the ball, but we need to trust that they know what they're doing with the ball.

Some breaking news here, she's just coming in on the wires. Well, more details on why Ivan Rogers was forced to bite his career sign eye capsule. This has just been revealed exclusively to the bugle. Turns out that the reason that Downing Street forced him to quit was that he failed to see in the new year prancing around on top of Nelson's column wearing nothing but Union Jack Underpants singing Rule Britannia through a megaphone and shouting strapping dickheads who are going to rule the f***ing world again. As a result Downing Street is how he was insufficiently committed to Brexit.

Let's move on now for the first time in 2017. Two... The trumpet. Yes, welcome to the trumpet section in which the Bugle Faithfully records the history of the Donald Trump years of humanity. It is only two weeks now, Nish, as we records, almost to the minute, in fact. Until we enter a new era of humanity, an era

when, for the very first time, in the history of the planet Earth, this planet will no longer have zero Donald Trump's working as president and major nations. That, I mean, that is a big step. One small step for man, one, don't fucking tumble into it. What slurry pit for man can? Well, and that step is into a huge pile of dog shits. Trump very much the prime spludged stain on the trouser crotch of capitalism. Will soon be, soon, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there, Andy. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that.

He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that.

He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that.

He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. He moved very quickly on that. George W. Bush was going to be elected in January 2001. I remember the same sense of foreboding. But at the time, you know, I spent most of my late teenage years being programmed to despise George W. Bush. But now with Trump, I feel like I'm thinking back on, I think if I saw George W. Bush now, I would immediately salute and be moved to tears in the photo with Mr. President. This is in many ways the furtive of Mr. President. This is, in many ways, the most extraordinary achievement of Donald Trump is not to get elected into the White House, not to have basically used about five tweets

to thrust the world significantly closer to nuclear on the get. But to have made people nostalgic for George W. Bush, that in terms of political gymnastics, that is a high tariff run over. That is absolutely incredible. He's making people nostalgic for Nixon. He's making people nostalgic for Calvin Coolidge was sort of dismissively referred to as Coolidge the inert after he left office. Now people are begging for inerts. I feel given a choice of real Trump or Coolidge via Weagerboard, I think...

Calvin, you're up! He's not... he's saying... there's nothing coming through. I know that is him, that is him. I could be worse, I guess. I mean, he could have lost and then spent the next four years basically screaming burn the witch, burn the present witch 24, 7, 3, 6, 5. Anyway, so there it is. I mean, most of humanity did seem happy with a total of nought Donald Trump's in high public office.

But in a fortnight, he will be settling in to the overloface, playing Kepy Upper with the nuclear Football, installing a Twitter-enabled tablet in the presidential car z, so he can communicate with the world even when going about his daily business. And finalising his own personal leak of his top ten most f***able former first ladies from history. While spinning the White House globe with his eye shut before stopping it with one finger and saying, whoever you are, you're getting it, especially if you're in an instant. So, there's no way that he doesn't exclusively tweet whilst passing solids. There's absolutely no way.

All of his tweets have the sense of a man struggling to call one out. That's where half of where the frustration comes from, I feel like. I just feel like, just get some prune juice, prune juice, and high fiber cereal. Pack it dry, no, precoz. Get yourself moving, manune juice, and high fiber cereal. Pack it dry, no, brocats. Get yourself moving, man. Relax, Donald. I've got to say that I,

I, when I was in Kenya at this time, I experienced sunburn for the first time. I've never been sunburned before in my entire life. It's an awful experience. Yeah. And it did make me think, I do understand now why white people are so angry. Right. It does feel like I understand now why white people... Ah! Make America great again! I feel it. Right, it does feel like I understand now why, what if you,

make America great again? I feel it, I feel it. As soon as I got sunburned, I was like, send them home. Brexit means Brexit. I'm on some factor 50 and calm down, Donald. I've got sunburned watching Snooker. She's the glare off the paper, wasn't it?

Not everyone's reacted well to Trump's recent tweets. The Chinese state news agency, Jin Wai, said Twitter should not become an instrument of foreign policy, which really are words that ideally no one should ever have had to say. But is it possible to get Trump to stop using Twitter? We're starting to get your dog to stop rolling in Fox shit. It's nature.

And it's particularly difficult when the dog's just been giving supreme executive power. So it's gonna be hard. Joe Biden told Trump to grow up. He said time to grow up, Donald, time to be an adult. But I think an adult version of Trump might be even worse. I think at least the kid Trump might be even worse. I think at least the kids,

I mean, children are quite easily manipulatable and he does seem to act with the mind of a child. Just needs to be broad with sweets, and I think it's come down. I do feel like that Donald Trump read that and immediately reacted by saying, you grow up, John! My dad could beat up your dad.

As an experienced parent now, and it should for almost 10 years of parenting experience, Donald Trump clearly responds to screen time. That's... You, the user, that is a bargaining chip. If you behave Donald, he can have half an hour before dinner. I mean, what he does not half an hour might still be a problem,

but just keep him off it for the rest of the day. Have they ever considered just sort of, I don't know, painting a bar of soap and telling him that's a phone? Like, isn't there any way, it does feel like there should be some way around this? I mean, what we're definitely learning is, if we had hoped that being in power or, you know, the influence of conventional Republicans would calm Trump down. We are sadly mistaken. And the philosopher Edmund Burke said,

the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. But I also believe it was the stand up comedian, Nish Kumar, who said, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for fucking slight Paul Ryan to go around being fucking for their own their own s**t self-interest. Both good phrases.

Well there we go. Two weeks until we have an internet troll sitting in Abraham Lincoln's chair. Absolutely incredible. I imagine Lincoln would be turning in his grave if Donald Trump hadn't almost certainly pissed on that grave. Chicken News now and it's... Who says we don't tackle the big issues. 2017-ish the Chinese year of the rooster and this is been marked. So I forgot you from Asia.

I just felt it in my blood. 2017, chicken. Rooster. The year of the rooster. And of course the king chicken coming home to shit all over the world's roost is incoming president Trump. Sorry I mispronounced incoming. It should have been incoming! Incoming!

Fire in the hole! My name! My name! The Chinese city of Taiyuan has marked this historic year by installing a giant statue of a chicken with Donald Trump's hair, Donald Trump's eyebrows, Donald Trump's hand gestures, and Donald Trump's angry, angry face. And this to me is the logical endpoint of all human civilization. Our work is done as a species. I cannot see where else we can go from here.

A giant chicken Trump in a Chinese city. That is everything. That is art, that is globalization. That is the skewed byproducts of democracy. Where else can we go, Nish? What's interesting about this is that Trump actually hasn't responded to this, which is quite strange, given he's sort of well established as having quite a thin skin and any sort

of criticism he's normally quite hostile towards. Now this means one of two things, either his aide has finally got some control over him and decided it might not be a great idea for him to continue to antagonise China, or Trump has seen this and is happy with it. In which case, I would invite all beugglers to start mocking up pictures of Donald Trump as a chicken and sending them to him on Twitter. Another possible turn to it is that he's just keeping

his powder dry. He's got his inauguration coming up in two weeks. And they have apparently been certain difficulties in getting anyone to perform. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I'm hoping. Tard with the structure of beer. Surely you and I, the call is imminent for us. Insolent surely.

We'll do a few country songs. And I think maybe he is going to respond to the Trump chicken at his inauguration by having a musical set performed by a giant 100-meter high animatronic cockroach with the face of Chinese President Xi Jinping as a revenge attack. It's going to march down the Washington Mall, like Mr. Stapuffton, Ghostbusters. LAUGHTER Oh, God, it's just a curtail to me that he's going to have to give a speech.

Yeah. The inaud... He might just tweet it. He might just... He might do a series of tweets. Yeah. I mean, what are the betting that that speech isn't going to open with him just pointing straight at his groy to say this is the president now.

Well, I mean, it's going to be very, very hard for someone to stop him doing that. That is, that is... I mean, it is going to be very hard. Now, doubt about that. Trump is definitely going to have a semi whilst delivering that inauguration. That's going to be the first president since Clinton to have a public boner. Well, because William Henry Harrison in 1841, he got his junk out of his inauguration and a quarter-chill died a month later. Well, the second half of that is true. So assassinated by the communist elements.

In other chicken news, scientists have discovered that chickens are capable of greater logical reasoning than children. Big, f***ing whoop chickens. I'm higher than that. That is like having greater hand-like coordination than a bench. Maybe it's just that chickens don't believe in father Christmas.

Even if they do vote for him, but that's more of an anti-Turkey thing, rather than the post-mortem thing. Classic ballot box interests. Maybe they do have human traits after all. But to be honest, I don't see why a chicken would want to have logical reasoning. I mean, I guess if an egg flies out of your ass every day, you're probably going to start thinking that's weird. It must be some reason for it,

but it's still weird. Well, this early should be a reason why eggs are flying out of my ass whilst I'm packed next to my friend, out of whose ass eggs are also flying. The science is also discovered that chickens have distinct personalities. I'm skeptical about this. I don't know if you've ever looked at a chicken dating sight niche. The research I do for this show, you won't believe what I've seen. You'll know that that is not true. Basically, all chickens on chicken dating sites, likes pecking your seed, dislikes, foxes, that's about it. But they do have apparently distinct personalities or chickenalities. That's not science. Maybe they've just been reading the label on those organic,

free range, hoping fused, cuddle, euthanized, ethical, nature chicken breasts from health food shop. Those little back stories you get on your food. Percy was farmed in 200,000 acres of pristine Arcadian woodland, stroked, and sung to by angels every morning to make him happy. He liked playing board games, clucking, chicken golf, spending time with friends

and being in the great outdoors. LAUGHTER Do enjoy your meal. I'm a little bit concerned that it seems like a lot of scientists are getting their information from the film Chicken Run. LAUGHTER But it does really feel like that. Oh, I loved it.

It does feel slightly like a scientist forgot about a deadline, a panic to the last minute, saw a DVD of their child's copy of Chicken Run on the sofa as they were heading out and just thought, wow, I'll just sort of riff some. Well, yeah, they've all got a lot of distinct personalities, chickens, and some of them are voiced by Mel Gibson. Chickens, according to this report continued, have been shown to possess self-control when it comes to holding out for better food reward.

So, they've worked out how to get treats. Jesus, that means chickens have more self-control than me. That's... When I am drunk, I have less self-control than a chicken. It turns out, I can always walk in home thinking, I could just get home, I've got some food in the fridge. No, fried chicken is. Ironically. Ironically.

Apart from the Ukrainian chickens, which just stuffed themselves with garlic and butter all the time. I'm concerned if the chickens have this sort of Machiavelle Intendency, that they are gonna rise up and strike back in a planet of the chicken style scenario. And I'm worried that I'm going to be the first port of call because the amount of nando's I've consumed at the last couple of years, I imagine makes me public enemy number one in

the poultry community. Interestingly, science has revealed chickens seem capable of self-assessing their position in the pecking order. And I do hope that is the internal chicken pecking order rather than the overall global pecking order, because that is not going well for chickens. They are not doing so well on the global food chain. And if they do understand their position in the global pecking order, maybe that's why they always look and sound so indignant.

Another study showed that chickens can anticipate future events. Right little Nate Silver, don't they? But it's about it. No, they can't. Well, you say that, but it can't be that difficult anticipating a future event as a chicken. I'll surprise him. Am I going to spend a day in a cage with loads of other chickens being told to lay a fat one? Well, it must be a day ending and why. Well, we need to start investigating their predictions because if they call Brexit and Trump,

then that puts them ahead of all major political polling organisations. Well, you may well say that. And luckily, we can in fact find out because I have in the studio with me today, a chicken, Chris, please release the chicken. chicken Chris please release the chicken. Hello Colonel Cluck of it sit down please that that is disgusting. Colonel welcome to the bugle. Thanks for having me on the show Andy. So what is that a right-wing chicken?

So Colonel, we hear that you chickens can tell the future, is that so? Yes, we sure can. Here's my tradition, we're all going to die. Sorry, that's just a bit of classic chicken fatalism. When you've seen us, many friends disappear as I have, we learn to love about it. Okay, but on a global scale, Colonel, what do you think is going to happen this year 2017? Right, well, looking into my crystal ball, people are going to get stroppy about Brexit. Trump is going to split opinion. Islamic state are still going to

be a bunch of dicks. The economy is going to go up and all down the internet is going to be big. Right, is that is that is that it? I mean that you're confident. I mean that's that's pretty unimpressive. That's pretty much stating the obvious well you know us chickens andy we are all like North to the right clocking farmers science never lies well Colonel Clark so thank you very much for talking to us my pleasure andy big fan of the show. Very excited to be on it. Do not, do not, do not start that. It's, it's too early in the year. Just a little yoke. Oh God. I shall be required now. I won't take it any further. Oh God. Oh, I'm glad of that. Yes, I'll stop now. Sorry, it's just a real coup for me. Oh, come on!

Be on the bugle. I didn't want to foul it up. Shut up, shut up now, chicken, shut up! Now. Yeah? What'll happen if I don't? You don't want to know. Well, I can up, Andy. Come on, I remember the guys when this rooster be a funny show. Oh, stop it!

Oh, fuck off! Go! I don't want to get in any trouble. So let's belly the hatchet. Seriously, you chicken. You. No, no Andy, don't be rude. Oh, there's more. Who was your favourite

1980s hamcher and England batsman Andy? I'll tell you mine, it was Polterrey. Did you make a pun on the twice capped England batsman Paul Terry who broke his army into Western for. I do the MD. Go luck for the rest of the year. Right, that's it. Sorry about that for any of our vegan and vegetarian listeners, Nishura, your meat is right here. Yeah. There you go. It's your plucky day. Let's move on. All of have had to be in the same room as them. That's the first time I've suffered it from someone else. There is. We are two weeks away from Trump's inauguration. Brexit is happening this year. There's so much going on.

How have we spent this amount of time on chickens? Well... How have we spent this much time on chicken puns about Adi saying he's had a noof of this? Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, it's Brexit. Can't use French words anymore. OK, correct it. We've spent 15 minutes on chickens.

15 minutes on chickens. This show is over 50 minutes long, always the largely because of chickens. Yes. The Google features section now and technology we are going to have a quick look at the CES 2017 the consumer electronic show annual the big one festival of the well both useful and absolutely fucking technology that is going to feature in the world this year. It's 10 years since the iPhone was launched. Is it really? Yeah, that's amazing. I mean, you look better at the old iPhones. I mean, they have to be tethered to a wall. The earpiece was linked to the

base station with the curly wired. Amazing how quickly this move done. Any highlights for you, Nish, from the consumer electronics? I know you like to keep your finger very much on the pulse of the phone. Oh, you know me, Andy. I'm a borderline, a part robot. My particular highlight was the smart hair brush, which is a hair brush. As you brush your hair, it sends information about the quality of your hair to an app. For reasons that I am still not clear on, and the global vice president of L'Oreal's research and innovation department said to BBC, he'd be surprised by how many women around the world

are concerned about hair breakage. And they are right. I would be surprised if that number was above zero. I would be absolutely surprised beyond belief if there were more than zero people who were brushing their hair and thought, if only my hairbrush could take a reading of the quality of my hair and feed it back to an app,

that would be absolutely ideal. Right, so it can basically coach you into how to brush your hair. Essentially, yeah. Well, I see, I mean, I don't know about you, Nish. But the last time I used a hairbrush, the internet didn't even exist. Yeah, I mean, looking at't know about you, Nish. But the last time I used a hairbrush, the internet didn't even exist. Yeah, I mean, looking at the two of us, Andy, this is not...

This is not really art. This is not our wheelhouse. LAUGHTER What I would say, though, is, for fuck's sake, technology, focus! Focus! Just because you can do something doesn't mean that you couldn't do something more f***ing worthwhile instead. What the world needs is a hairbrush that doesn't tell people when they brush in the hair on it.

It needs a hairbrush that is going to calm lunatics down. If you could have a hairbrush it just doubled as a scalp massage and played soothing music for Trump and Bashar Alasad, Tune, whatever. Maybe that'll be technology worth having. If you look at some of the products that are lined up here, you would assume that everything in the world was absolutely fine and that we had managed to solve all outstanding problems. Because like the smart hairbrush, that is no one's number one priority.

No, but amongst the things that are is a new piece of tech. This device that lets children create their own bedtime story and then hear it read aloud back to them by this little machine. Right. And this is a very exciting development in parenting because I mean it's come a bit too late for me because our kids are now 9 and 7, 9 and eight, nearly 10 and eight. My wife and I've had to do quite a lot of parenting ourselves regrettably with 50% disappointing results. That's fine, I married well. Chris, you're two and a half, two and a half. So I mean, this can be quite

useful for you, Nish. I mean, if you... I've found children. I don't know if you're ever intending to England when this isn't Nishetz into the world, but you will be able to outsource everything to technology. Ideal. Everything. I mean, this is a very exciting development. You can have a bedtime story.

We're nearly at the point where you can give birth to your baby and just say, right, I'll hook it up to the Wi-Fi, see you in 18 years. Basically, technology is replacing the Victorian boarding school. We will have more from the CES 2017 next week, including look at some of the other new technology, including the Smart Sock, the new technology including the smart sock, the driverless and passengerless car and the smart bladder. That all to come in the beautiful next week.

Your emails now and this comes from an anonymous correspondent who says dear Andy, Harry, and he raises it in a bit, he raises it. Good lord. And the metaphysical remains of that British guy whose name I can't remember. 2016 sucked. I think we could all say that. We had Brexit, we had Trump and I'd said 9 GCSEs without the aid of fresh bugles. I can think of only one way to make damn sure 2017 isn't as terrible. The one highlight of 2016 was the return of the bugle, and the only means I can see to bring some joint to what will be a bleak dark, empty, morassive year is to bring back the only comeback that would bring light into the gloom,

and that is hotties from history. LAUGHTER So you proposed that the world needs and that is hotties from history. So you propose that the world needs a new 2017 hotties from history's, hostties from history calendar to bring light into the darkness just as 19 girls lamped in the crummy and oh yeah. It's really tissue. And it's got all over the chicken court. And he suggests his first nomination, Julie Dobiney, she traveled around France, writes our anonymous, as a cross-dressing bisexual demonstration swordswoman for several years before joining the Paris Opera. In Poitier, drunk heckler yelled that she had to be a man, because women could not be so

skilled with a blade, so she tore open her blouse and asked the audience to judge for themselves She took holy orders to a lope with a nun and the king of France had to pardon her twice that sounds Oh my god, I'm burning up in here Andy That is a scorcher from history That is an absolute blazer of a hearty. I mean, she was late 17th, early 18th century, and that was a great era for holding this room. That's a sexy time.

A sexy time. A sexy time. I mean, Nish, since you're a new on the show, you've not shared with us your long-held historical crushes. Yeah. I mean, are there any who floats your boat from the past? One word, Andy. Cleopatra.

Goddamn you. No doubt. Cleopatra. I know it's a sort of obvious choice. It's a bit like picking sergeant peppers as your favourite Beatles out of them. What could you do? Cleopatra is one of the notoriously the hottest women of all time. Yeah.

She was so hot, especially when she was married to Richard Burton. I may be getting paid for her. I'm not confused with her as a potato, but it's hard to say. Just don't buy her a snake broth of Valentine's Day. I'll get too many memories. Really sounded like a cryptic grassworm, mate. I don't get so out of that as well. Why don't you just go out and see me?

We had a very nice email as well, which we'll get to because we've overrun this week from Brian. Is there any truth through the room that Buegel's 295 to 4000 have been recorded but can we release because they refer exclusively to future events? We will, you may have stumbled upon something here and we will be releasing exclusive excerpts from those missing bugles revealing the future in weeks to come. Do keep your emails coming into hellobuglers at thebugelpodcast.com. Do keep your emails coming into hellobuglers at thebugelpodcast com. Well, that's about it for this week. Just time to plug the initial stages of my forthcoming plan Z UK tour Bristol at the Henning chicken on the second of February, the Oxford glee on the, I thought that shut down. Yeah. I think that may no longer be happening. Well, if it, if it isn't happening, it's a problem for both of us,

because I'm there on the second February. All right. Well, I'll let you know. Well, it may or may not be happening. Let's just... Somewhere in Oxford. What do I think it might have been? It might have been reopened.

Right. It'll either be a The Glee, or I assume, given your sort of standing in the... That city, the Bodleian Library. Well, you say that, but when I was a student in Oxford, the Bodleian Library was me not so much a library as a dormitory. And they didn't call you a big party for no reasons, I'll just check my own website. Oxford on the third is not happening. Leads on the fourth, unless my website is wrong.

Leads on the fourth is happening. The city varieties, Leicester at the cookie on the ninth Richmond in Yorkshire, the Georgian on the 10th. Peter, the key on the 11th, and the other dates, all at Andyzoltzman.co.uk. Right, anything to plug niche,

other than the gig that my own man already has. I may or may not be at Oxford on the second February, on the 30th. I mean Glasgow 31st Edinburgh and 1st in Aberdeen. So I'm off to Scotland for a couple of days. The details are at Nish Kumar.co.uk, either forward slash or black slash gigs. Right. Just Google niche, Kuma. Yeah, I mean, I think at the end of this little section I'll show most people have decided not to come anyway. So anyway, Buculus, it's great to be back in this glorious

new dawn of a year. We will be back. New years, same shit. But we are back next week with Harry Condemolo. Until then, goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you for listening to The Bugal We Are, proud to be parts of the radio topia stable

of the world's finest podcastery. Whop-whop! you