The Bugle - Bugle 4012 – Bashfulness and Shame

Episode Date: January 13, 2017

Andy is joined by Anuvab Pal, who brings with him a series of literally enormous questions. Is Trump any worse than Catherine the Great? Should Andy start consulting for Mexico, and how much should a Chinese football team pay for a total novice? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, we're Hoogles! And welcome to issue 4,012 of the Beagle the World's most reliable source of real news,

fake news, fake real news, real fake news, key difference. The anti news, open news, and should be real, but still actually fake news. Something for everyone, I am Andy Zoltzman, the overlord of everlasting doom. Don't like to make a big thing, but you know, an inherited title isn't an inherited title. I'm British, there's not much I can do about it. I'm in London, but not everyone in the world can say that, including my guest this week, joining us from somewhere that is not London, but is mum by India. It's the man who runs Bollywood, Anuvampal. Hello, Andy. Hello.

Hi. How's India? Well, Andy, India is still here. I'm happy to report. Oh, I see. Can't see that in a lot of countries nowadays. We just have to check in every morning if they're around or not. But we're still here.

We may have shifted a little to the left, but by and large, that was attributed to the entire world rotating. And so we haven't actually moved. We're still here and, you know, we're still at a billion and growing. So, you know, not making much of an impact on the world by just being a tiny one-sixth of it. We're here, Andy. We're here. Oh, snow, it's not. Strickly true to say that you're not physically moving, because isn't India drifting northwards by going about a foot a year or something smashing into the Himalayas at low speed? That's correct, that's correct. And you know, this is not just also some geological thing that you're bringing up.

If you came and lived here Andy, which I know you've done, you could actually feel it. You could actually feel the entire nation shifting a little to the right. Right. And I mean that politically, I mean that geologically, and I mean that actually, you know, you could see yourself heading in that direction. So that is very well observed. In fact, you know, like some nations, like the Maldives and so on, that may not exist in five or six years.

They've been shifting into us actually. I think those islands are coming closer to India as we shift further to the right into Tibet. So I don't know where any of us are heading. Well, someday you're just going to blast out the north of Russia and smash the north-bulled up pieces if there is a north-pull left by then. I think like everything else in the world we're all heading to China. I think that's where this is going. So this is Bugle 4000 and 12th I think I might have said last week that we'd have Hari Kondabolu on this week. He's now going to be on next week because of logistics and stuff. 4,012 coincidentally is the year in which on-count predictions the world finally recovers from

Donald Trump winning the US election. Also the year in which historians finally managed to explain the look on Boris Johnson's face the morning after winning the Brexit referendum. This is the bugle for the week beginning Monday the 16th of January 2017. We are recording on Friday the 13th. So I mean, this could be the end of times, frankly. I don't know how much science is involved in Friday the 13th, but there was a report from the Stress Management Center and Fobie Institute in Asheville, North Carolina that suggested that around 20 million people in the United

States are affected by a fear of Friday the 13th. And it's estimated that it costs America between $800 and $900 million in lost business every Friday the 13th, which does partially explain why that has become a country that has elected who it has elected. But don't worry, the next one is not until nine months away. But nine months is a dangerous length of time. Do not conceive and give birth a child today and on the 13th of October, could be disasters for the planet. Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer As always, a section of the bugle is going straight

in the bin. This week, with Britain's National Health Service clinging to the precipice of functionality after prolonged underfunding and mismanagement by governments and or waiting its money on keeping people alive who realistically are never gonna be top-line celebs and or just being naturally wasteful like the bastion of communism it is.

And with American healthcare about to go into surgery with Dr. Trump, a man whose bedside manner might be fairly described as harrowingly f***ing dish. We give you a free pull out guide to do it yourself surgery. We're all going to have to start taking these things into our own hands as funding and availability gets more and more scarce. And we tell you how to be your own surgeon in the comfort of your own home using everyday household appliances and kitchen utensils.

We advise you how to perform an endoscopy using leftover straws from your kids birthday parties, a cheap beginner's microscope and a compact make up mirror. How to rig up an old 1970s cathode ray television, a microwave oven, a shower ale and a roll-top metal bathtub to make your own full-body CT scanner, and the best store-covered staples to use to make your own charmingly home-spun pharmaceuticals, including a liter of export strength vodka, half dozen eggs and a jar of peanut butter, wizard up in a blender to make the perfect anesthetic tincture to calm those angry post-operative scars. Do use smooth peanut butter, that is essential.

20 teaspoons of instant coffee, dissolved with 20 teaspoons of castor sugar in 50 milliliters of Coca-Cola, has a very similar effect to neat adrenaline or epinephrine, whichever floats your funky boat, you know, just in case. And strawberry jelly with a bit of corn flour, ideal for cosmetic implants for any part of the body. And remember, water out of your tap is basically the same as homeopathic

medicines, though if your stepfus applies, just use that and pretend really hard. And we give you a dos and don'ts of home surgery. Do warn your neighbours in advance that you will be operating on yourself. Homeops can deem up a little bit noisy, and the last thing you want when you're midway through a dining table app index to me is the police turning up and battering a front door down because gladdish of next door things there's a murder taking place. Don't. Plan anything strenuous for the evening.

Do. Make sure you have plenty of kitchen towel to hand, homeops, and get messy. Take it from me, I'm with wife to birth in my bathroom. Don't expect to get everything perfectly right first time. Even experience surgeons make mistakes. So if your spouse, partner or child cuts the wrong tube, do try to be understanding. Do, print out your step-by-step instructions for how to do the operation before starting doing the operation before starting

doing the operation. You don't want to be fiddling around with printer cables and ink cartridges whilst a kidney is dangling out of your torso. Don't. Hoppy what they do on a medical TV drama like ER, casualty, band of brothers, the Nick. Doogie Houser MD. Oh, especially the Nick. They often edit stuff down to fit everything in and you really shouldn't do that in a real operation. And do get your kids to help out as nurses and orderlies. It'll be fun and educational for the little ones. They can even help out as an ecsthetist, so once they're old enough to swing a heavy-based frying pan or mix a cocktail. And it has part of this section on home surgery going straight into the bin.

We have a competition. You can win a bugle home surgery kit featuring a staple gun, a turkey-based a duct tape nut crackers and chopsticks, so plus. And this kit is personally guaranteed by John Oliver to prove a 100% life saver that you can check with his lawyers. That's bullshit. And you can win that if you could answer this question,

where was Soviet self-surgery star Leonid Rogozov when he performed an emergency appendectomy on himself in 1961, or C.A. in a Vostok space rocket testing out the effect of zero gravity on surgery, or C.B. on Centricorta Wimbledon halfway through his men's semi-final against Ken Rosewall of Australia, or C.C. in Lenin's Moors-ors of Liam in Red Square, Roggers of on a competition to start replacing the dead former Communist Revolution stars in turn logons to see if they could bring him back to life. Was he D in Antarctica, dicking around in the snow, or was he E in the final of the Eurovision Sun contest and he performed the operations the Grand Finale to the USSR's entry that year, a song entitled, You Are the Collective Farm of My Heart, A, B, C, D, or E, do send your answer to yourself.

And if you get it right, then you win that kit that I mentioned earlier on. That section in the bin. Interestingly, Andy, the Do it Yourself surgery sounded a lot like an actual surgery at an Indian hospital. So for me, I was hard to laugh because it sounded very close to a professional medical service you would receive in any other part of the world. Well definitely in my part of the world. And as a top story this week I have a question really, a conundrum. I don't

know much about the developed world. I'm learning more about America every single day. And I don't know if you've heard, but that's a bad idea. Yeah, it's not a good thing, Andy. It's not a good thing. But now the way information travels, Andy, I can't help it. I just receive information even when you don't want it You know, I just found out for example that my old school teacher was caught for tax fraud This is not information I need but I get it on Facebook. This is not the stuff that anyway, so America, right? Donald Trump President-elect Andy has not given a press conference since

July, presumably because in the last press conference, it almost ended up like a brawl. A public brawl. Not any different from the way, sort of, our ATM bank lines looked in India in November. So that's what happened at his last one. He hasn't done one since July, but I suppose he's president-elect, so he feels like he needs to do one and he'll have to do many more as president. So he's prepping and he comes out and it seemed to me and my whole of the English language, it being my third language is not so strong, but it seemed to me, Andy, that the main reason why the leader of the free world had a press conference was to deny that he may have been in an environment where some sort of urination was involved,

whether on him or whether he was supervising. Now as a student of history, Andy, that you are, I want to know, is this regular practice? Do world leaders in the first world often have to do press conferences to deny that they were in a urination situation? Well, I think it's not why Neville Chamberlain had to quit his prime minister. And it was, I mean, the issues, who's the war as a smokescreen? Episcopement. But thank you, Chris. Thank you.

Family show, mate, right, that's a bar. Sorry. Well, I'd, Catherine the Great, the Russian, Russian Empress. She, then were, various allegations that went into horse use. That were never, never fully proven. I mean, Trump is in an honorable tradition. We look back to Roman times. I mean, this would have been considered, you know,

barely even breakfast behavior to have a legit prostitutes allegedly urinating on an alleged bed. So, I mean, it's pretty small fry, really. I mean, also, you know, in here in Britain, Anuvaab, our dear departed Prime Minister David Cameron, he may or may not have put his member of into the dead mouth of a dead former farm animal. So, you know, if that helps,

Mr. To be honest, the way Trump campaigned, I don't know why he's denied this, even if it isn't true, which presumably, it probably isn't true. I mean, I know no smoke without fire is basically legally binding in the modern media, but I think if it isn't true, I mean, that would surely disappoint his core voters

because that is exactly the kind of thing you would have expected Donald Trump to do. And I think his supporters would have thought if he had the opportunity to hire out a hotel room used by the abomas and he did not take the opportunity both to hire that room out and to hire a group of prostitutes to urinate on the bed, they will think he has somehow betrayed them. I think that is, that would be the kind of behaviour. I mean, I think ideally what they would have wanted is for him to do it whilst the abomas were still in the bed. But I mean, that maybe that is too much to ask. Logistically. But surely this is, I'm surprised

he did not own up whether or not it actually happened because that surely would consolidate his supporter base. Absolutely, Andy, absolutely. I think you've raised some great points here. I mean, look, he's a deal maker. It's something he does. A hotel room can't just be a place for sleeping. Why can't it also be a place for various Russian-based prostitutes to also use it as a lavatory? Now, I think it's a fair point. Or in some ways also, Anavab. I mean, this is, in many ways, probably the most feminist thing Trump has ever done. I mean, if he did actually do it, because there's always complaints that the toilet facilities

for women at public building, stadiums, theatres, the works in adequate women always have to queue for far longer than men. Trump surely was laying down a marker for feminism to say, no, you deserve greater equality. And I will let you use my personal bed as a public facility. But I mean, that is, I think in in many ways he's very much the new Mrs. Pankhurst. And Andy, what do you, what do you think of his denial at the press conference when this topic was alluded to, when he said, I wouldn't do that, I'm a germophob. What's your view of that Andy? I mean, he's, he's in in a way making his case like as any leader of the free world

would do. Which begs, which sort of raises another question, you know, a lot of people have been asking on the podcast about the post truth world. I know you've discussed the post truth world, but in the post truth world, are there some instances, Andy, of too much truth. Do we really need to know that the President-elect would not engage in supervising urination from a group of well-known hallets because he's a germophope. Is that something we need to know? It goes back to something that happened in India.

We had the rise of a political party that campaigned on anti-corruption and its leader was a gentleman called Arvind Kajriwal who is currently the chief minister of Delhi. And the first day he assumed office, you know, big public support against corruption, all that. First day he assumed office, he went, he couldn't go to office and then he gave a brick press conference saying he can't go to office because he has as you would call it in Britain the runs or as we would call it in India loose motions. And I don't know which is a better term to describe going to the toilet regularly

but he had the runs, he had loose motions and he had a press conference and he said, Liz, gentlemen, I'm sorry, you've elected me unanimously, in millions for this anti-corruption platform, I want to go to office, but I've been shitting all day, and I have the runs, and then he asked the press, do you want to know more? And it's the only time in the history of India where everyone united and said no. And my question here, Andy, is,

because there is a question, I'm building up to a question, I'm Indian so I have to go at it in a roundabout way. But there is a question here. And the question is, do we need to know this much truth in the post-truth world, Andy? I would say, I would say no.

I would say no. I would say no simply because I think fake news isn't a lot of ways preferable to real news. Real news really really upsets people. A lot of it is quite depressing. At least with fake news, you know it's fake. So, correct. No, and also when it comes to Trump, it doesn't really matter, there's no fake news you could possibly make up that would make him any less appropriate to be president of the United States than all the actual stuff that's out there. I mean, here is some more fake news on Trump,

none of which is true, which I've just got from just inside my own head. Trump, secretly, this was about three years ago, he hired a mad scientist, he brought Mary Todd Lincoln, the widow of Abraham Lincoln back to life, got an absolutely drunk offer dead tits on absent. Took it out to the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.

and made her perform a lured sex act on the big marble statue of Abraham Lincoln and then sold her to a Chinese collector who collects ex-presidents' wives. Trump also hired 50 prostitutes to reenact the world series of 1932 and then didn't pay them because they got the score wrong. Trump secretly sneaks into zoos at nights and makes zookeepers feed viagra to all the animals, then watches them hump whilst rubbing himself in the crotch. He, Donald Trump, do you know this?

This is true, this is not true, but it is true. I've just heard this from an unreliable source myself. He keeps a ferret in his underpants called patchula. And when it nibbles his testiculati, it makes him sniff Though we've seen that all the way through the camp. That's it. It's a hungry ferret and he likes his neck gone on Trump has a tattoo of his own face on his own peenied and when his Memorum Trumpiculum tumest is at the thought of a grabable feminine virginieta or other such sort of Trumpic erotic, a wugofaction, the eyebrows on the tattooed Trump go up.

But none of that clearly is true. But even if it was true, it would not make him a single fraction of a percent less suitable to be president than he already is. That's absolutely true. In fact, like you said, his vote of his would be disappointed if some of these things are not true. And it's sort of tragic that we live in a world where, as you're describing these things, however exaggerated and fantastic. There are probably listeners of this podcast googling these things right now to see whether they may or may not have happened.

Put them on Trump's working pay-de-aia pie. No smoke without fire. And they would gladly update it. Look, like you said, you know, again, I don't know much about the first world, but if one of your investigative journalism stories, which is kind of true, is based on the fact that a prime minister of a developed nation could or could not have made love to a small pig. If that is the starting point of a real new story, everything you've just described that day is just about 90% possible. There was a gloriously British response to the whole Shumozl. The former British ambassador to Russia was interviewed on on radio for this morning

and said this was he was asking whether these unsubstantiated sources, whether they were trustworthy. And at this point was that given the nature of Trump and you've got to, you know, there might be some credence in some of what was said. And he used this glorious phrase, Mr. Trump is not a man who is regularly driven by bashfulness and shame. It's, I think that is an early contender for most British sentence of the millennium. Only were only 17 years in. And that is, that is gonna be hard to beat.

Mr. Trump is not a man who is regularly driven by bashfulness and shame. Team GB! Great sentence, Andy. Great sentence. This is what happens when your culture has irony and me. Let me report something from a part of the world that is in very ironic. When the Trump story broke, if you live in a culture that's about survival that wants to make a point to the world like India, we want to be an economic power. It's all very

irony free. So when the story broke, right, both the British story about the Prime Minister and the pig and the Trump story, we, we always prefer petty logistics over any sort of irony and a. And so when this report broke that Trump may have been in a room watching certain prostitutes urinating, the big Indian response was which hotel, what room number? And that's when it struck me. And with the David Cameron thing, when that hit times of India, our question was what kind of big? And that's when I realized the real value of a post-ironic world. Because you know,

while you guys can enjoy the fun of this, you know, I'm glad to be in a part of the world. That's really interested in the details. You know, we've already accepted the truth. This happened. Now we just want to know the petty logistics, you know, and I'm not for irony, Andy. I'm not one that likes irony. I don't understand it. I'm new to the English language. So these details are very important to us. And I like how we just accepted it. Ritzgarten Hotel, your nation happened.

What room? How many prostitutes? Like we got into the basic facts, Andy. And I think that's really where for strewd needs to go uh... trump uh... at had some quite extraordinary things to say as uh... as ever he described the publication of this alleged russian report detailing not just the

sexual shenanigans but uh... some far more alarming uh... political shenanigans as well. As he said, the publication of this report was, quote, something Nazi Germany would have done. And also in a tweet said, are we living in Nazi, Nazi Germany? So I guess the response is, Mr. Trump, I know you're locked in your tower about 24-7 at the moment. You must have a television there. Put the History channel on and watch any documentary. And that should answer, that should answer your question fairly conclusively.

He also, interestingly, seems a lot less keen on made up bullshit than he was when making up bullshit during the election campaign last year. I guess, I guess that's just politics. And also, it strikes me as a bit rich, Anavab. America is a Christian country. And I know I'm coming this from a Jewish perspective. Yes, Andy. But for a Christian country to moan about fake news, given that their fave religion was kicked off by the gospel hacks churning out the clickbait,

when that is status which man gets in Thai wedding party drunk with water, Jesus slams absentee dad at own execution and how to perfect the perfect loincloth and six-pack look. That is the foundation of America. And so they really, Trump should accept this as just parts of his national heritage. Trump turned once again to one of his favorite topics, the wall with Mexico. Satellite projections do suggest that Mexico is currently about 25% through

soaring itself off from America and it's just going to just gradually shift itself further southwards. He said, we're going to build a wall and Mexico will reimburse, as he says, that will happen. Mexico responded by saying, no, it won't. Obviously it won't. But there are some ways in which he could make Mexico pay for the wall. I've thought about this long and hard. Number one, send Mexico a bill for the wall.

Now, if number one doesn't work, just if they decide not to pay the 10 billion pounds for the wall that they've not asked for, he could try phoning Mexico, putting on a mafia voice and saying something like, it would be an awful shame those Aztec temples got a little bit damaged, wouldn't have missed the Mexico. Now if neither step one nor step two works, try step three, tell Mexico the wall is a magic fajita, ask them if they would like to eat it, and then say it costs 10 billion dollars, by the way, and that's without the guacamole. If none of one, two or three works, try four, secretly film the president of Mexico watching prostitutes urane on a hotel bed, if Ben

threatened to leak the footage, and if they don't pay up the $10 billion blackmail fee, try five, a complex system of hidden tariffs over several years. So you can claim that Mexico has indirectly paid for the wall, as you said they would, exploring any overall loss to your national economy caused by slumping trade with Mexico, then get a guy in a sombrero with a big mustache, dressing a panzer on a jalapeno pepper outfit, to hand over a massive novelty check for 10 billion pounds. That will definitely work.

So Mexico will pay for that wall. I think that the president of Mexico needs to take your advice and hire you as a special advisor in a post-nafter world. You know, I think because what's going on with Mexico and the United States right now is a Twitter feud as you've been following Andy. Vincente Fox of Mexico tweeted the other day directly to Trump saying, we're not paying for this f***ing wall. And I think that when world diplomacy just comes down to swearing on Twitter, that's where we need Andy Zoltzman, a special envoy to Mexico.

This is the moment. Well, I mean, that's basically, the UN really should just be operating via Twitter feed now. I think maybe this could be the fear of saving a lot of money for world diplomacy if it is just all done in the Twitter sphere. If the UN just sends out a daily two-exact fake everyone can't the fuck down. When would that work any less well than their merely,

merely mouthed resolutions? I don't think so. Another worrying thing about Trump is he started referring to himself in the third person at this, now that is barely acceptable in a world champion boxer and definitely not acceptable in a soon to be president of the United States. By this time next week. And I have a question. The streaming music website Spotify just announced that they'd given a job to President Obama. I am not sure if President Obama was looking for a job, but

anyway, they've created a position for him. President Obama has been offered the job of President of playlists on Spotify. And it makes me wonder whether various other millennial technology companies are going to offer other such jobs to the President. Like whether Tinder is going to have a job called the President of Hookups. A B and B is going to offer a job as President of the Scouch Surfing. I don't know. Or Uber is going to offer a job as President of Best Shared Root Taken. I don't know what other roles will open up, but I just wondered if you had any views on these millennial focused tech companies creating positions for this rock star, ex-president. Well, I mean, it's always tougher for presidents to know what to do after they've left.

I mean, president of playlists, you know, for most of us would be a huge excitement to be Spotify's present playlists. With I think there's a maximum eight-year term there, and under the Spotify Constitution. For Obama, it has to be considered something of a step down, and might not get quite the same thrill. And adrenaline, from putting up playlists of classic 60's soul or a nice bit of 1980's synth pop or whatever it is into. Spotify did clarify it does not come with a nuclear button. Alright, that is a shame. Gray band. But I mean it's hard to know what a Barmer will do next. He's a young man still. What is he in his early 50s? 55. 55. How many looks great for 55? But it's hard to know what he will do next other than

spend the rest of his life saying, dammit, every 20 minutes day and night when he thinks about the years 2008 to 2016 and all the things that he really wanted to get done, but didn't. I mean, he could go to Vegas as a crewner. He's got a lovely singing voice. He could be like, I could see him and Celine Dion working together for the foreseeable. He could become, you know, just travel the world as a freelance charisma-tition, advising the rest of the world's politicians on how to be more smooth and exciting in public to reason make it, certainly, with some lessons over here. As long as he stays the f*** out of cricket statistics,

leave my job alone, Obama. Or you can crack a gag. If you take over from me on the bugle, I don't mind. But leave the cricket stats alone. Maybe he'll go back to being just a regular attorney in Chicago. But I don't know. He got me a TV. He'd make a great TV host. It could be a judge on the new series of America's got issues. He could be the new Ricky Lake. I mean, the possibilities are endless. Among all of these Andy, I really like the going around the world and just being charismatic,

which almost lets itself to sort of being Barack Obama and he is almost like a full-time job. I can't think of any president in the history of the United States where just being himself was enough. You know it like sometimes he would listen to Barack Obama's speeches he delivered them in Berlin or Vietnam didn't matter you started crying because he was saying something about hope and children and stuff and you're like why is he even there but it didn't matter because he was just Barack Obama and he was doing stand-up for a bit in all those White House Congresssponsors.

And I think, I just think that there was the presidency, and there was Barack Obama, and the two had very little to do with each other. I think they got together during the Rosamah bin Laden's surgical strike, and I think that that's the thing he did. And wherever he goes into, I just hope he doesn't do too many surgical strikes in Pakistan Other than that like for example he got into cricket statistics, you know It wouldn't be nice if he just broke down doors and shot people That would not be nice, but but that was his only president thing the rest of it There were lots of very good speeches and some superb comedy and there has to be a job just doing that

There must be he could be the new John Oliver. That's bullshit. Ha ha ha. And the I have a question, the game of football is very big way or from. Yep. Yeah, and I've been, I've been reading that there's a country called China, it's next to where I am and it's quite large. That's a rare... And there's a lot of...

I'm very glad you've done your research for this. We insist on the bugle. I know you're relatively new to this august news, and such a basically an encyclopedia of truth. I'm very glad that you've done some good quality research on China before beginning that sentence. Well done. Thank you, Andy. Thank you. You had told me to go out and get this thing. I'd written it down. It's called a world map. I found it. And on it, there was this place, China. It's big.

And I also read up that there's a lot of money. And it appears that they have been buying up a lot of your football players. and I have a question Andy I have a philosophical question. If you've got a lot of money is it possible to then just buy a sport and just move it to Asia? Is that is there anything that's just possible? Well I'm looking at the Indian Premier League cricket you'd have to say yes. Yes it is. I mean the Chinese footballs fascinate if they've spending an insane amount of money, £60 million on the Brazilian midfielder Oscar from Chelsea, they're paying Carlos Tevez, the rather aging Argentinian forward £400,000 a week to play in the Chinese league.

There's, I mean, they just, I mean, just report coming out that the Chinese club, Kaching, are gile. They've just bought Cristiano Ronaldo's left testicle for £150 million. They're planning to breed Ronaldo's spurmulums with a leopard and a shark to create the ultimate footballer. And I'm just reading, Anuva, that you yourself have been rumoured to be about to join the Chinese Premier League for £2.5 million as a holding midfielder. Have you ever played football? I have not, Andy, and that is correct. That story is correct, and I think that is a fair price.

Because one of the things that we figured out in India very early on, as you said about the cricket, is that we are definitely for sale. The question is, in the rest of the world, you may often ask, are you a sell-out? In India, we often ask, why are you not a sell-out yet? Does nobody want you? Coming from that philosophical entity, like we did with your gentlemen's sport, you had cricket, you know, cricket came with white clothes, it came with tea, it came with a certain decorum. We went around and asked the world, are there cricketers that are for sale? That'll wear anything and play with whatever rules of the game we make up. And it seemed the world responded with yes. And so in a similar vein, Andy, I have decided to play football. I am available for $2.5 million till about 20 minutes before this podcast.

As we discussed, I didn't know what China was. I've looked it up. It's large. It's nearby. And I'm going to be, I'm going to go there and I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a relatively esteemed Chinese football player and live a decent life as a Chinese footballer. I have learned also that they have their own language, it's called Chinese, they have their own food, it's called Chinese food, so as you know I know a lot about that culture. It is amazing the number of top footballers who've suddenly developed a yearning to play in the Chinese, Chinese league. When we're in Europe, we'd like to think that everyone should do everything in Europe. That is just the way that we're brought up as Europeans. The world belongs, it's

basically a feeder system for Europe when it comes to football as in everything else. But now, the money is taking our rightful South American footballers away from, from Europe, where they belong. And we're not happy at all about this. I know a lot of these footballers have just suddenly developed an addiction to smog. But I mean, apart from that, why would they play in China for the relative pittance of 400,000 pounds a week? It makes, it makes no sense. That's not the only big transfer fees flying around Anuvab in Japan. Yes, and a dead bluefin tuna fish has been sold

for 500,000 pounds. At auction, it was, I mean, that's a big transfer fee for a dead fish. You just worry about whether it's going to be able to live up to the transfer fee when it's on the sushi slab. Is it going to go to the dead tuna fish? His head is going to get a bit cocky and arrogant and forget what it's best at,

which is being cut into small strips and being eaten with wasabi and soy sauce. You do worry about it. And also the other fish, you know, this is going to inflate the market. Other fish are going to be demanding. More you'll have a show of sardines wanting two grand each just to get in the net. You'll have macro on 25 grand a week living in a luxury aquarium.

Kitted out like a 1970s porn set. I mean, where's it going to all these? There's going to be agents. There's going to be football agents going to move from football into fish. They're going to be swimming around the sea in scuba kits saying three corners of a million on my clad is not getting out of the water for you. I worry about this.

It's a slippery slope. Well, I have a question and an update for you, Andy. Was the question being, what's the blue 15 and tuna bought by the same Chinese football company? We have now decided that they just want to spend money. It doesn't matter if they're buying human beings or fish. They just want stuff for their football team. They damn it, they don't care how it comes. And sorry I was a little distracted because while you were talking about that, I just looked this up on Bloomberg right now.

The same Chinese people are offering $11 billion dollars, Andy, for this podcast. It will be delivered in Juan or a Remnimbee or whatever Chinese currency is the currency when Trump comes into power. And that $11 billion Remnimbee could be equivalent to either 4 pounds or 400 billion pounds. Depending on what trade deal Trump decides on the 22nd of January. So there you go, Andy. I was sorry I was distracted, I was looking at Bloomberg and this just happened. Well, this podcast is not for sale. Next week we'll have a special feature on the terracotta army. And how awesome, Confucius is.

Anyway. Your emails now, and thanks very much for your emails, to keep them coming into HelloBugle, as at theBuglePodcast.com. This one comes in from Niels, in the Hague, in the Netherlands. There's quite an interesting suggestion, Anivab. Niels, I've done some thinking. It's quite easy to solve the issue of foreign powers influencing elections.

Why don't they just allow the whole world to cast a vote in everyone's general elections? That way everyone can have their say without a resort to backdoor politics, bribing, hacking, et cetera. Just a few electoral voters to represent the state of the rest of the world. If they have this stupid, teared voting system, we might as well use it for good. I'd say everyone should have a particular American election. Everyone in the world should have a vote. I'm not saying it should be worth the same as American votes. I'm saying it should be worth more than American votes, because it affects the rest of the world far more than it affects America, which is just going

to carry on arguing with itself oblivious to what happens in the rest of the world far more than it affects America, which is just going to carry on arguing with itself oblivious to what happens in the rest of the planet. We deserve two votes in the American elections and whatever crazy system they're using, an electoral killing should be expanded to encompass the whole of the planet and we will have a far fairer, more stable and widely respected democracy. That is, Niels, you've hit upon the solution to all the world's problems. Everyone to vote. In fact, there's an argument to say that people who live in their own countries are far too close to it to judge objectively.

So in fact, no one should be allowed to vote on elections in their own countries. And only people from outside should have any say on it. Although that didn't go too well with the European Union and the Brexit vote. Anyway, there's something to work on, Nails. Thank you. That's a really interesting sort of, I just have one question with that Andy, do you think that the Americans would be a little confused

when all their secretaries of state and transportation are Indian or Chinese? With a single vote for every person and with three of the six billion in the world being these people, it would be a bit worried when Mr Modi is leading the American negotiations for Russia or premier G-Pegas is the Secretary of Transportation, sitting in Detroit, fixing general mortars. But like you said, maybe the Americans wouldn't be able to tell the difference. It's fine.

I would much rather have Modi and Xi Jinping for all their flaws than Trump and Ben Carson. So I will take that deal. I can tell you one thing, it'll be you're in free. Do keep your emails coming into HelloBuglers at theBugelPodcast.com. That brings us towards the end of this week's bugle, just a quick word on the football world cup in a brief sports section, FIFA has announced a re-jig of the world cup. The question that FIFA was facing was how do you improve on something that is basically pretty much perfectly structured

as it is. And they've come up with a traditional FIFA answer of making it considerably shitter for no real reason. They've announced there's going to increase the football cup from 32 teams and four groups of eight groups of four to 48 teams in 16 groups of three, going down to a 32 team knockout and all the randomness and unsatisfactory defensive play that almost certainly. Intel, any have to ask, Anifab, why would it be that FIFA of all organisations would suddenly expand their showpiece tournament to include 16 more nations. They're by raising hope to far more football federations around the world that they can maybe qualify.

I think maybe they're just thinking of the overall good of the global game. I don't know if there's anything more sinister to it than that. Absolutely not Andy. Absolutely. I think the 16 nations that are joining really have just proved their metalers, footballers, and we will not count for all those wire transfers into Swiss bank accounts,

that we in India are quite familiar with, because the way we look at it here is, that's just testimony to dedication, hard work and integrity, you know? Because what is integrity, if you cannot be for sale? What is the point of integrity? I think we first asked that question Andy. And I for one can't wait to watch

Papua New Guinea versus Pakistan. I think that'll be a cracker of a football match. Yeah, well, I mean, I mean, people forget of the hard work that needs to go into top level corruption. It's not an easy job necessarily. I mean, it's quite exciting for India, because the Indian national football team has never made it to World Cup.

They were invited to play in the 1950 World Cup, all other Asian teams with Drew, apparently, but they couldn't go because of financial constraints. But this could be an exciting moment for Indian football to think that you might only be 100 nations away from qualifying for a World Cup rather than 116. It's very exciting. It's a big moment.

In fact, the biggest moment for us was when all that corruption with FIFA came out. And because our only thing was what? You guys were open to this if only you told us, you know? We were a bit devastated that we came to it too late. Because for those years, we had a bit of money and we could have done something with it. We did that footballers, but we'd find them, that's fine.

So that really hit us hard, that all those investigations and all of that. Well, that does bring us to the end of this week's. Buegel, just a quick thanks to those who came to see my so-ho theatre show, 2016 The Certifiable History. Don't forget, you can get my DVD at gofastdestripe.com. You can buy a physical version or a download for a fraction of the price. You're cool, clearly you're cool. Also, my plan Z tour of the UK is beginning on the 2nd of February in Bristol, then leads on the 4th, Leicester on the 9th,

Richmond on the 10th, Richmond, Richmond, are you there? I've seen the ticket sales. Are you there, Richmond? And Peterborough on the 11th, then through the rest of February, Corsham, Milton Keynes, Salford, Nottingham, Wolverhampton, Southampton, and Cantor E the details at AndyZortzman.uk, then the rest are in May. And I think my Melbourne festival tickets are now available as well, but I can't tell you exactly where, but I reckon if you whack it into a search engine, you'll find them. Anything to plug it, Anivab, while we're in the ruthlessly commercial phase of the show. Andy, I just like to bring up a small piece of trivia I haven't told you about. I went to see the Indian England cricket match. Oh, right. And I was sitting and watching the match when we were scoring 40,000 runs in one innings, because that seems like a fair fight.

And I was sitting there, there was a gentleman, I think you have a fan base here Andy, you have a fan base at Indian cricket stadiums, because I saw a man with a placard, I'm not making this up, and even if I am, it's the post-truth world, you never find out. He had a placard that said, where is Andy's ultimate? I am not making this up.

And I think that is a philosophical question we're all trying to answer. And if you'd like to clarify, he was in the Dilip Vengsaka, the Dilip Vengsaka stands of the stadium, which had no shade. So he had bought a cheap ticket, he was sitting there holding up his side, saying where is Andy's ultimate? And I think he looked quite mad. So I don't know if this is the time you knew, but this is just something you should know Andy. I've just let you know. I want photographic evidence of this. But, and of all the places I'm least like to be found

in the world, not in the shade in India, is pretty high amongst those places. It takes me about 30 seconds before I'm essentially like a well-done steak. Anyway, Bueglos, thank you very much for listening. Anivab will be back when he's going to be here in London in February, so we'll be recording in the same room, which you're going to be exciting. And next week we'll have Harry Kondaboli with an instant reaction to the inauguration of Donald Trump as president of America. Oh, those words feel no better coming out of my mouth now than they did when I was

vomiting them into my toilet last night in rehearsal. Thank you very much for listening, Bueglers. Until next time, goodbye. The Buegl is a proud member of radio topia from PRX, made possible with great support from our founding sponsors The Night Foundation and MailChimp, celebrating creativity, chaos and teamwork. That's bullshit! That's bullshit!