The Bugle - Bugle 4013 – American Carnage

Episode Date: January 20, 2017

Recording just an hour after the inauguration of Donald Trump, Andy and Hari try to make sense of what just happened. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world. 2017 will be remembered as the day the factories closed Rusted out factories and the drugs and the gangs these are just righteous people. This is your celebration. Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams stops right here and stops right now. At the center of this movement, trillions and trillions of dollars, we will get our people radical Islamic terrorism for everyone to follow. We will rediscover there is no room for God.

We've enriched foreign industry. It's going to be only America first. America first. Ladies and gentlemen, please remain standing while the President and official party to part the platform You will be released by section shortly Hello Bugles and welcome to the first bugle of the rest of your lives

Which of course is true of all bugles. But particularly this one, because this is bugle 4000 and unlucky 13 for the week ending, it's 20th of January 2017, we are recording just an hour or so after Donald Trump declined the chance to complete the biggest prank in human history by saying, of course I didn't mean it,

I'm obviously not a presidential candidate, you should see the looks on your faces. He's Mikey P to do the chit chat. He declined that chance. And therefore, we have President Trump. And yes, all the two mungers and all the two mungers were wrong, it's fine. He's been president now for, well, I'm looking

my watch now, it's some basically two hours. And no nuclear war, no divine strike from the heavens, no mass global recession, and no species ending conflict. It's fine. All those concerns were unjustified. I'm Andy Zoltzman, and I fled to record this bugle to New Zealand, just to be safe. New Zealand, of course, scientifically the nation least likely to end up in a nuclear stand-off, or fully-fed ground war with Trump's America. I'm recording this special immediately post-郎 oration special show from the Bugle Secret Trump proof bunker, 8,000 miles beneath the Earth's crust, which proves to be something of a logistical error, turns out 8,000 miles beneath the Earth's

crust in New Zealand. It's just above ground level in London, and went just a tiny bit off-strait through the really hot bit in the middle. So here I am. Hello, Chris, not to say. It is T plus two hours, as I said, we're recording in the immediate afterglow of the vigorously carnal consummation of the range marriage of the United States of America and President Pryor Pryor Pryor Pryor himself. And joining me from Seattle, it is a man who is firmly in the 70% minority of Americans who would probably rather have had a fossilized mammoth shitter's commander in chief than Tycoon Terroway. It is Harry Condo-Bolo.

Hello, hello Andy. Hello, I always seem to get you on the show at a moment where you are so upset with what is happening in the world. Well, even the act of speech seems heroic. Well, you keep asking me about the American election. And so as a result, I'm always going to be glum and oppressed and questioning a lot of things about this country. It's never happy. Oh, by the way, just a quick side thing, which I realized is ridiculous because we just

started. But I had a few people who are fans of the bugle message me saying that they're sick of me talking about American politics that they want me to talk about a broader range of things which frustrates me because this is the Trump election. We're talking about the potential nuclear annihilation of the world. We're talking about global chaos and war. Why would I talk about anything else? That's watching Independence Day, and then all of a sudden someone in the films

like, I'm sick of all this alien stuff. When are we going to talk about the football season? And to be honest, it's your your your third third show. And I got you on just before the election, just after the election, and on the day of the inauguration, correct. So I've saw I've slightly limited your right, I'll tell it next time, or get you on it and get you to talk only about European talk golf. Bernard Langer, is that a person? Very good.

Very good. Thank Adam. So you are in Seattle currently, which is basically, physically as far away from Trump as you can get in the United States without going either to Hawaii, which as we learned from Trump himself during the whole birth of controversy about Barra Khabama actually being an imam from somewhere in Outer, Muslimistan. That's actually not an America at all. That's what the birthers told us. Or to Alaska, which as I speak in that we're just here in confirmation on the news wise, Trump has just given Alaska back to Russia as a

gesture of goodwill. So, Dostoy, Danyu, to our Alaskan bugles. What you've basically got us far away from physical contact with Donald Trump as you can possibly manage without leaving America? I'm in a liberal bunker. I feel fairly safe. This is a place where I'm sure Mumiya Abu Jamal, the Black Panther who has been in prison for decades, probably got the third most votes for president during this last election. But anyway, I'm hugely grateful for joining us on what I know must be a very difficult day for you

and taking some time out from what I know is a very, very busy schedule of slamming your head in your own hands, weeping and screaming, why, why, why. This is Bugle, 4 for the week beginning the 23rd of January, 2017, key anniversary, this one, exactly zero years since the 23rd of January, 2017, when President Donald Trump, for the first time, used the words, what do you mean you won't tell me the fucking cold, it's my fucking football, I'll fucking play with it.

As always, a section of the Bug vehicle is going straight in the bin. This week, all other news in the world is going in the bin, including Theresa May, the leader of the Conservative Junta, currently occupying the Palace of Westminster and 10 Downing Street and refusing to leave. Later, I have vision for Brexit, which was great or rubbish, deletes according to whether you already agreed

or disagreed with her. Here's another story. In the bin, half of the world's primate species face extinction, according to scientists, could humans be one of those species? We reveal all in our exclusive, are we on the brink of extinction analysis? And let me just open the envelope. No, we're fine.

Also, in the bin, a free personalized oath for you to sway yourself into whatever you want to sway yourself into. So you can just tailor this according to your own lifestyle choices. I fill in your name and any titles or honorifics here. Do solemnly, stroke threateningly, stroke spookily, stroke dearfully, stroke chillingly, swear that I will faithfully execute the office of King of Me land, stroke, Empress of all I survey, stroke, new lead singer of Herman's Hermits, stroke Chief Dude, stroke Dudeette of the Coulbridge Gate, stroke President of the f***ing United States, and will to the best of my ability, stroke as much as I can be asked, stroke if absolutely necessary, stroke unless anyone else wants to do it instead of me, preserve, protect and defend.

My lovely dog, stroke, the institution of the afterlunch snooze, stroke that nice china plate my grand gave me for Christmas when I was small. There you are, there's your own oath. You can feel like Trump for a day. That section in the bin. Top Story. It isn't pretend it's real. Reality star Donald Trump, President of the United States. For a while there, I thought perhaps the minds were right and we all died in 2012 as predicted, and that this was just hell. And I actually would prefer this being hell

than real life, because at least if we're in hell, it makes some kind of sense. It's absurd. And also, I'm starting to think that all those celebrities that died in 2016 knew what was gonna happen and they got out of here just in time.

I feel like they were clued in somehow. It was awful watching the inauguration. He looked scared to death. He looked frightened the whole way. I felt like Barack was holding his hand through the beginning till he got there. It was weird looking into the crowd. Lots of red hats.

Lots of red hats in the crowd. That's it, make America great again. Trump making a killing on the inauguration. Never thought that being president would be a financial boon during the inauguration. So that happened. Basically, I was seeing a crowd with a bunch of people who think this man can turn back time

and stop the flood of progress. But on a positive note, Andy, I might start my business of selling magic beans again. Oh, that's because that's been out of business for a while, doesn't it? Oh, yeah, I mean, I haven't done that since they started selling the Iraq war to Americans. I'm like, ah, this is the time for the Beans. They're up for it. I was intrigued by the fact that when he swore the oath, he was using, I read he was using President Lincoln's inauguration Bible and yet miraculously, his hand did not dissolve on contacts with Abraham

Lincoln's Bible. It's that that could have been a prosthetic hand made of some special, special, I don't know, Lincoln proof substance. I mean, it, it's been his own flesh. Surely, the spirit of Lincoln would have absolutely annihilated it. It wasn't Lincoln's Bible, Andy, no way. They, they probably hear that to make sure he wouldn't destroy and also based on the golden showers rumors, I don't think that would be the right thing. That is a American artifact. We can't have strangers urine, foreign urine at that

all over the Lincoln Bible. Right. Oh, it would be American urine from now on for Trump. He's going to keep those activities at home, surely. There was a copy of Playboy tucked into the Bible to look for him. It was a here's a quick tip for buglers. Do not, I repeat, do not read out the transcripts of Trump's inauguration speech in a German accent. Absolutely. Absolutely do not do that. Not even for fun. Just don't, just especially not

this bit. We assembled here today and are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city in every foreign capital and in every hall of power, from this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this day forward, it's going to be America fast, America fast. Don't do that. I fell for the temptation. I feel dead inside. Oh, wait, did you do the German impression already? Because that's how I heard it. That's what I thought that was. Oh, that's not.

Okay. He kept saying America first, which is when have we not been like, thought about our interests first, but he kept saying that was like the key phrase, America first, which for me was weird because it was like strange to hear a preview of the words that will be said to me during a hate crime. Oh, that's going to be the okay, it's not just going

to be USA, USA. It's America first. It was, that's a non-American, obviously, I have no right to hold an opinion on your democracy. Or I didn't until Trump said, we all get to determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. To me, Harry, he seems to be basically expressing the world view of an unusually incubated four-year-old. And the essential message of Trump's speech seemed to be there's no eye in isolationism. Well, also, he said when Americans are united,

we are unstoppable, which, that's some super villain nonsense. I mean, that's, like, that's not even trying to pretend that he's a good guy. That's like straight up, like, who wants to be unstoppable? Just, you know, and he was talking about, we're only a thing of America, we're not going to worry about other people, like other people's issues, we're going to keep the wealth here. It's basically, he's trying to starve out the developing world and we're not allowed

to get foreign things anymore, is the idea. His wife is not from here, but okay. Are we looking at, is there gonna be like a ceremonial slaying of Mrs. Trump and there's a conjecture of American isolationism? You know what? Maybe he will, I can see this happening,

because we had, I know America has not had what you might call a second civil war over this yet. But when we had a big civil war in the 15th century, at the end of which is a gesture of conciliation, Henry Tudor married the former queen of Edward IV, I think I'm right and saying, so basically bringing together the Lancasterian and Yorkist sides of the Civil War to create a new unified nation. Now, if Trump is going to slay his wife, as the subtext of his speech,

quite clearly suggested he will in a gesture of American independence, surely he will have to marry Hillary Clinton. So to bring, he talks about bringing the nation together, that is the only way he can do it. I think Bill will happily step aside. Does she have a choice in the matter or is it kind of, is that how Trump's America works with women?

Well, clearly that, Trump's America does not work with women, judging by his cabinet. I think, I know, she said she wants the best for America. I'm sure she'll step up to the play. Yes. And also, given that he has absolutely no experience of politics, of any kind, really.

You know, probably doing good to have a first lady who's done the job before. I mean, he does have his daughter in whatever situation that is. Yeah, I mean, I does have his daughter in whatever situation that is. Yeah, I mean, I think that might even be a step beyond the pile for Donald. There's an awful lot in the speech, Harry, about attacking the Washington establishment. He said, we are transferring power from Washington D and giving it back to you, the people. I mean, I guess the question is how

and the answer would be shot. But as a person of America, are you excited about getting all this power back and what are you gonna do with it? Oh my God, I barely get my rent paid on time. I'm the last person who should have, well, I'm the second to last person who should have, well, I'm the second to last person. Who should have control of a miracle?

When did people ever have power? That's not true. There was always somebody like in charge, telling everyone else what to do. And if there was dissent, bad things would happen. That's fairly universal. I mean, he talked about like, jobs being sent overseas and about changing the status quo.

Like, as if everyone was ignoring that he was up there, as if he has struggled, it's like he had complete, and somehow it worked. People seem to be down with the idea that, you know, everything's coming to an end. Oh, I mean, that might make financial sense, isn't it? Check it out, Lamar Gettin. Yeah, settle things up.

One thing that was calming about the speech is that he did have the okay hand gesture up most of that speech, which was comforting, because it seemed to indicate everything would be okay. Well, that's just the way that he works people, you know, he's a master manipulator. Well, you talk just the way that he works people. He's a master manipulator. Well, you talked about this through international attitudes. The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes

and then redistributed all across the world. All across the world, Donald. I'm sure those rowandans and Bangladeshis are getting absolutely hammered on middle class American champagne as we speak. I mean, I mean, not all all across the world. There's been some interesting global reaction. Chris picked this up, that North Korea's state news

have not reported on the inauguration at all. Not be, not important enough. Right. And that's, I would currently unfair in some possibly related news and the latest world happiness rankings. North Korea currently the happiest nation in the world jumped up from last place to first, just by not reporting on the Trump inauguration.

There was some seriously outlandish stuff. Nothing more outlandish than this. We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful railways America. You have always ignored the railway. Why now? Why the railway? Now, I've finished more than the defining features of America, a country that clearly would have benefited from a functioning railway network and all of a sudden he's throwing away that key plank of national identity, the manager hypocrite. That was one of those moments where I realized that he might have written the speech himself. But it felt like that should have been checked.

And also, like Obama was the one that was talking about high speed railway when he was elected and everyone thought he was a maniac. And for some reason, that just kind of slipped right through. I was really hoping that Chuck Schumer, the Democratic minority leader who spoke before, before the, like the swearing and whatnot, I was hoping he would fill a buster.

There was that small feeling, because he was talking for a while, and then I'm like, oh, I see where this is going. He was talking about the Civil War, that I'm like, if I was him, I'd be like, well, let's start with the first day of the Washington administration. And then the second day.

And if you just kept it up for about like, now, three, three and a half years till the next election cycle, you know? I think, I mean, I don't know. There has to be a way out. There might be aliens. There might be a way out of this. Yeah. Well, I can suggest one good way out and that is you need to watch more cricket, hurry, because cricket's on, you're pretty much all the time, you know, the long games last five days. That is an awful lot of time you can distract yourself from, I mean, I reckon if you, if you, if you can get it, you could probably spend almost the entirety of the next four years watching

cricket. If I mean, I think I might be the way for Americans to survive. That's generally how ideal the world is except with baseball. Right. And baseball does a pretty sound job. Well, yeah, I bet you know, there's a Ken Burns documentary called baseball about the history of baseball. And it's like 20 real time, isn't it from the start? Yeah, it's about 4,000 hours. Well, it basically feels like 4,000 hours, but it fills up a lot of time.

And after a break up, I like to watch that over and over again to feel a sense of comfort. And that's, I like to watch that over and over again to feel a sense of comfort. And that's I belong to something. And usually I, you know, in pantsless, we're eating a mango. So that's the next four years. Because I'm saying, can we one of the positive sides of Trump rule? You know, it might have been a kind of bizarrely, almost a kind of aggressively, pessimistic divisive speech for an incoming president. Yeah. But it could be a huge boon for the American hobby industry.

There's gonna be a lot of people, you're watching a baseball videos, people taking up all manner of stuff to distract them from. I mean, this could be an absolute, maybe this is how he's intending to rebuild the American economy, by just getting everybody to lock themselves in a shed and build model ships for four years or something.

He used the phrase American Carnage, which was very unsettling. Didn't expect to hear what essentially is the name of a video game. It is an agricultural address. I miss American Kanye. Sounds good talk for podcast. I mean, about the next four years, yeah. I think he created like that American carnage. Had that phrase. He had America first. But I expected to hear more of the hits, which was kind of disappointing.

I didn't hear your fired. I was hoping for that. I was hoping he'd go on and say, America, I'm hired. I mean, that would have won a few points to me. He didn't pull out the, grab them by the pussy. I was really hoping he'd try. I know that's, that was a couple of months ago, but I felt like maybe he'd bring that back.

There were no impressions, either of disabled people or any new impressions. I thought he'd like whip a couple of new things out just to give us a preview of the next four years. But he just, you know, he closed on the biggest hit. He closed on Make America Great again. He had a nice long build up. It was like, make America safe again,

make America rich again. He did that. You all knew where it was going. We all knew, like it's gonna end on the big one building anticipation and then he nailed it. He nailed it and about the 48 people who showed up for his inauguration, they were thrilled. I was slightly disappointed that you didn't lock her up didn't feature as well. I'm not going to dramatic. If he just had Hillary Clinton seeing a couple of rows behind, just like just, at one point,

some military figure started sort of filing into the background while he was being, I wonder if they were just gonna arrest, try and convict Hillary Clinton on the spot. Well, you know, if that did happen, as terrible as that is, there's something kind of impressive about it. Because like when Obama promised to close down Guantanamo Bay, which he didn't after eight years,

that seemed like a really difficult, outlandish thing to do, right? Considering where we were as a country during the Bush administration. And this man made the claim that he would jail his opponent. And imagine if he actually did it on the first day. Like that is impressive. I mean, we'd be f***ed as a country and the peaceful transfer

of power would very quickly end. But man, that's a person who keeps their promises. You got to admire that. So you're saying you would respect, you would have respected Trump more. How do you? Yes. Rest in jail. I mean, he'd be despicable. I would hate him. But there's like, you know what? You said all this shit during the campaign, you actually followed through. You were at least he's not a phony. I thought he's a conner's the whole time. And now I'm like, no, you are just a fucking maniac. But you're a genuine maniac. Honest Laura Biden. Right. Right.

the act, and honest, Laura Viding, right? Right. Reverend Wayne T. Jackson, who gave the third of the prayers, he said he prayed that Trump would be given the wisdom of Solomon, the vision of Joseph, and the meekness of Christ. I mean, that's meekness and Donald Trump do not seem to go. I mean, for a sort of meekness is not necessarily a quality he wants as a president now. No, no. Maybe Trump swung too far the other way. The wisdom of Solomon, clearly that's not going to happen. But Jackson previously has said about Trump.

Donald Trump has an example of someone who has been blessed by God. Look at his home's businesses, his wife and his jet. You don't get those things unless you have the favor of God. Now, that is a radical interpretation of the doctrine of Christianity. But even as a Jew, I think I hang on. No, hang someone has defaced your Bible, my friend. A jet? Did God promise the Jets? I thought what was one of the most impressive things was Barack Obama, whose face looked to me throughout like the absolute definition of heartbreak, managing to go a full half hour plus from the starts of Trump's speech to him

getting in the helicopter and fleeing without shouting at any one point the words to alert, to alert. Extraordinary restraint from Obama, you have to admire that. It didn't last long though we have the transcripts, Harryorry from the conversation the abomas had in the helicopter as they flew away from Washington. Shit. Fucking hell, Michelle, did that actually happen? I think it did.

Shit, he's even more of a yes. Yep, he is. I play golf tomorrow. Yes, you can play golf every day now. Yeah, thanks for rubbing that in. So, tough times for the abomas. There were some awkward faces in the background during that speech. So, I'm very awkward faces.

Oh, yeah. And I'd love to have seen the face on the Abraham Lincoln statue at the other end of them all. Whether it was started melting the first F, your f*** sake again. Or stop touching my Bible. Ha ha. [♪ B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B Q&A and various of you got in touch via Twitter and Facebook. This came from at Shrop, who asked us, Harry, how much cheese did I eat to dream this? I mean, that's an industrial quantity of some deeply, deeply unpasteurised, probably cave matured, Spanish blue stuff. I mean, we're, combat cheese has gone into this, this level of, of American nightmare. I think if you're on the, the non-Trump side of the political seesaw, or it could have been American cheese with the plastic still on it.

Well, that's all you'll be allowed to, be allowed to eat, of course, when I have any of this foreign cheese muck. We all American cheese for American mouths. This came in from Daff rankland. Sorry, at Daff rankland, I've got to use the app. So a question for Harry Condobolo, how should England remedy their lack of wicket-taking bowlers in sub-continental conditions?

Oh, well that's a... Well, I would go old school and try to recolonize India. I feel like that kind of suppression will allow you to control the conditions, which you will play perhaps, you will only play in England, perhaps, you will change some of the rules, which you could do, again, as colonial power. So... At Lothwarian, is the inauguration proof that time travel does not work? Ha!

I don't know, maybe it's proof that it does work and that the future has come back to play a prank on us. Just pissed off with us for leaving it in such a mess. And that, yeah, Trump is... It would explain it, actually. Well, especially if you had a bunch of voters from the future who don't like the future of the country, Trump gets a time machine,

brings them to America to vote for him, and that would explain the margins, some of those key states. Or the other way it could have worked was the suppression of minority voters, but also it could have been the time travel thing. Maybe Trump's the better option, and in this, in the original reality,

Rick Santorum has just been made present. Do come and see my tour shows at the begin on the second of February details at andyzaltzm.co.uk and I'll start shamelessly tweeting the gigs. Are any shows to plug? Yes, there are shows to plug. I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia, February 17th, Asheville, North Carolina, February 18th, Madison, Wisconsin, at the end of April, and New York at Caroline's in early May. So I'm around, there are tickets to buy.

It's all on my website, Google.com. Search Harry Kunderbolo, or Harry, or a Harry comedian. There's a whole bunch of words that will somehow get you to me. I'll promise, next time I get you on the show, there will not have been something involving Donald Trump being elected as American president. It will be distant history by then.

Wait, are we going back into the past? Is that how we're going to avoid talking about it? We're going to do the show from News 3 year ago or two or three years ago. I actually would do that. Just pretend that none of this happened. And we are just starting to hear about the Trump candidacy and we can, we can mark it. We can pretend that it would never happen. I mean, why don't we do that? Let's live in the past, Andy.

Well, if that does seem to be the way that politics is going, so maybe we should just, just, just start along with that. Before we go, I have a special inauguration commemorative two clue presidential cryptic crossword for you. Two simple clues, one across and one down. They, they interlock around the sixth letter of one across and the sixth letter of one down, in fact. And one across is this. It's two words of six and five letters in length.

I don't know if you can guess it is. And the clue is obviously perverted new White House resident goes for some sodomy switches O for A gets between two large breasts. That's the start. Then more ask six six letters and five letters. And one down, nine letters long, American leader confused after getting

the fourth and fifth prostitutes to get mixed up with endless dirty peas. So there you go, here's your two clue. Graphic cross words. To commemorate this historic moment in the advance of civilization, dignity and human discourse. I'll be back next week with Nish Kumar in the country briefly and in between bits of globe-trotting. Do keep sending your emails in to HelloBuglers at theBugel podcast.com. We've

got a new website as well, haven't we? Yes! Yes. It's all happening. Do you know what it is? What's it called? What's the URL is? The buglepodcast.com. There we go. That's the key part of vlogging something, isn't it? Do keep listening to the bugle and all other podcasts on the wonderful radio, Topian Network,

which we're now apart. Enjoy the next four stroke eight years, Bughlers. It won't last, I mean, that's less than eight years, hurry now until Trump is definitely not present. Less than eight years. Oh, that's great. I would suggest stocking up on water, canned goods, batteries, flashlights.

Anything you can get over the next couple of weeks, just in case. Happy times. Thank you for listening, Bughlers. Goodbye.