The Bugle - Bugle 4014 – How bad can it get in a week?

Episode Date: January 28, 2017

As the former star of Ghosts Can't Do It settles into his latest job, Andy and Nish find it hard to talk about much else. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 4,014 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a remorselously visual world, and this planet is one remaining hope of salvation. I'm sorry, I'm just hearing we have been downgraded. We are in fact just background noise in the slide to oblivion. Sorry, I'm already talking this up. I'm Andy Zoltzman, third in line to the throne of America. I'm not necessarily true. I am live in Cochlan.

That is Cochlan in the city of London rather than the Washington D.C. Street formerly known as Pennsylvania Avenue. Back in the studio in Cochlan, we've recorded here a few times before, and as previously discussed on a bugle some time ago, this famous street gave the world the scandal of the Cochlan Ghost Fraud of 1762. Back when you could make up bullshit

like a ghost called Scratching Fanny, and get away with it and people in mind and just around the corner from where John Bunyan the platinum selling 17th century Methodist author and pin up popped his clogs in 1688. Good move Bunyan you're well out of this mess and joining me here within a stone's throw of St Paul's Cathedral if you've got a tidy throwing arm and an aerodynamic stone, and you get a favourable ricochet off a couple of buildings. Back from his latest into

Continental Joint, it is the Marco Polo of moaning about politics. The Vasco de Gama are vocalising Doug Ripes, the Walter Raleigh of winging about the right wing, the Christopher Columbus of constitutional complaining, the leaf Erickson of lefty earbending. Sorry, I'm not talking this up either. Moving into third place in the all-time most frequent bugleers, good luck getting into the top spots, it is Nish Kumar. Hello, Adi, hello, bugleers. Welcome back. So you've been, you've you are clocking up the continents. Yeah, I'm really, for someone who spends a lot of time banging on about people's responsibility

regards to climate change. My carbon footprint is yeti-sized this year. I got back from Brazil about six hours ago. Right. And I've had about five coffees. Well, good, good prep. Good prep. Interesting bugle, could be an interesting bugle. That is traditional bugle prep.

Also, background noise in the slide into oblivion is surely a future Zawsmichai title. That is absolutely masterful stuff. I will make a note of that. So how was Brazil? Brazil was an amazing idea. I've been in Brazil in the depths of the rainforest with the Chavante tribe and it was an amazing experience. What was it?

It's a kind of logging expedition. It's my plan to recolonize the south of America. See, as the north of that continent is in a bit of a pickle, I'll just restart. So the American experiment again in a sparsely popular sparsely controlled art delete on America. What a sporthy go. We were with the Sivanto tribe, but they obviously we don't speak the same language of them, so you think communication would be quite hard.

And buglers will be familiar with the fact that I've got quite a distinctive laugh. It's frequently been described as infectious and not in a good way. And it turned out that we found out on the second day that we were there, that they had had a village meeting and top of the agenda was discuss that guy's weird laugh. They basically had a discussion about what my life sounded like and they came down to either a bird

or a banshee but one with good intentions. So it turns out that in Brazil Andy I'm basically cast by the friendly ghosts. Right. That's a good one. That should be your title. So you're filming this kind of globe-trotting. Yeah, it's a two-show. Two-show. Yeah, that's right.

We spend some time with the tribes and my friend Joel Dommit participates in their kind of physically demanding traditions, and I am his sassy sidekick. Yeah, but of course, you know, the most physically demanding tradition in Brazil is football. Yeah. And that's, you know, inevitably this conversation's gonna go that way. Did you play football? We did play football, I've seen. How did I go, FUNISH?

I've seen Joel Doma play football. And, well, he's got an engine. He does, I mean, he doesn't. He doesn't major on finesse. I think I can say that. I've not seen you play, but I'm very keen, I'm very keen to see you play football, but how did it go?

Well, he, Joel actually has a theory that all of the comedians at Play Football play football in the same way that we do comedy. So Joel considers himself to be sort of a, you know, persistent and energetic. And he's not wrong with me because I am wildly inconsistent and I'm often found on the left wing. Ha ha ha ha.

Boom. But we did play football. Let me tell you how deep. Brazilians are good at football. Right. And we went up against a team of Brazilians. And when I say Brazilians, I mean, girls aged between 7 to 12. Right.

From the village, who were kicking a ball around, we thought, well, we'll have a go, and everyone was sort of like, well, you know, let's take it at half speed, they're only children. And within about five minutes of the game, a 70-year-old girl had beaten three of our best men with a string of Zidane style pirouettes. We had a shot that we thought was definitely going in until one of the more defensively minded players cleared it off the line with her head. And my personal low point came when I was faced with the task of defending against probably the smallest player on their team.

I reckon she was probably about 70 years old and she was also wearing a my little pony t-shirt as if to accentuate the age gap. And she was coming at me and he I was doing my duty. I'm predominantly an attacking player but I was putting a shift in. I was getting back. I was covering my fallback and she was coming towards me. I've gone side on trying to show her down the line. Everything's under control. Until this girl scooped the ball over my head and ran around me in the manner of poor gas going versus Colin Hendry in year 96. Right. Wow.

Brazilians are good at football. Until I get to a world cup 75. I've been to recent years. We just didn't play German enough. Yeah, you've got to, it's all about the structure. And how has Brazil's reaction to Donald Trump? So far, because I mean, it can't be many nations in the world that Brazil can look at politically and think they're but for the grace of God. It's actually hard to say because the bit Brazil that I was in with the Chavante did not have the internet and I was unable to get a phone signal and I was there on Friday, Saturday, Sunday

and Monday. And they were the happiest days of your life. And they were the happiest days. They were the happiest. I've been in a long time and I thought, well, this is perfect. I've sort of managed to dodge all of the inauguration. But then obviously on Tuesday, when I returned to a hotel with the internet,

I then overloaded. I hold it. Like it was absolute, it was pure, pure news. And I was not ready for it. I then spent most of the rest of Wednesday instead of sightseeing in South Paolo, just sat in the corner of my room, shivering. This is issue 4,014 of the bugle, the newscast that uncovered post-facts, alternative facts, and antifacts. Before all the big cheeses jumped on the bullshit bandwagon, we were here first

telling it like it isn't, or telling it like it wasn't, which it now is. This is the beginning, the beginning, for the week beginning Monday, the 30th of January 2017. On this day in 1649, only 368 years ago, just down the road from here, and a bit further on, to Whitehall. King Charles I, old Chuck E. Chop chop himself, the inventor of, amongst other things, the Spaniel dog and the 1980s mullet hairdo. Well, he went one-nil down in his classic

King vs Axe confrontation. Quickly became King Charles the dead, executed on a balcony outside Banqueting House on Whitehall. Now, I did an after dinner job in Banqueting House last year, and it was in the room outside which King Charles I was beheaded. And it has a very echoey acoustic. Sure. And it made me think that, you know, people told me every time you had a headchop to have you have those,

you had a couple of moments of consciousness before you are mercifully taken away by the Reaper. Now, if that window had been open that day, it must have been pretty galling for him with that echo acoustic that probably the very last thing he heard during his few moments of consciousness after the axe fell was the echo of himself saying, how that's doing. As always, section of the Bill going straight in the bin. Our sales of coloring books for adults slow down, we look at the next infantile crazes set to sweep the retail world. There's a new app

from the parenting apps developer apparently. An app called Mummy Special One, which is an auto-cuing app, which runs in the background of your mobile devices 24, 7, and 3, 6, 5. And whenever it detects you doing something to an acceptable standard, it lovingly cues at you like the proud parent of a little baby. I've got it on my phone here. Here's a few examples of how it reacts. If you complete a tax return. Haven't you done well? Yes you have. Yes you have. Here's what happens if you do an adequate presentation at work. You tried really hard and that's the important thing.

Well done. What happens if you send an email? Good boy, and all girl. You're a good boy, and all girl. Or eating the meal without more than 20% of it ending up on the floor or your face. Your mummy's clever boy, aren't you? Mummy, so proud of you. Or perform a basic bodily function.

Waaaaah! Waaaaah! Look at you., are you beautiful? So there you go, something to wear. Yeah, we're all reverting to childhood. Yeah, but I'm afraid that would do nothing for me, Andy. That best and I resemblance to the way that I was raised. If I had that app, I'd just need it to react to everything I did with just the phrase,

I wish you'd been a doctor. Ha ha ha. The B-Page Top story this week, it's the end of the world as we know it. And I don't feel fine, I'm actually very concerned. Ha ha ha. Andy, last Friday,

saw the inauguration of Donald Trump. A man whose IMDb page contains the credits. Home Alone 2,ost in New York, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and ghosts don't do it. A film about a man who kills himself after a heart attack wrecks his body, but then comes back as a ghost and convinces his wife to pick and kill a younger man

in order for Scott to possess his body. We can now add inauguration of the 45th President of the United States to that IMDB list, and the part that he was playing was president, as opposed to the part that he played in the inauguration of the 44th President, where he played the part of racist man screaming at his television. And what a part that was, Andy, we all remember his classic catchphrases, show me the birth certificate, and frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn where that black guy says he was

born. Yeah, well, we recorded last week, literally hours after the inauguration. I heard it. It sounded pained. It was it was pain. I mean, you were safely in scum's in the jungle, but that sounds a bit, which is basically where about six and a half billion people wanted to be at the time. I did have to, because I, in order to execute that joke, which I think we can all agree I did so flawlessly. I knew home alone too, but I had to go on his IMDB page to find out some other things that he'd been in.

That's where I found Ghost Don't Do It, it's very the T.O. to which. And when I went on his IMDB page, it's the about me, about the artist, and I used that word in inverted commerce section, says that Donald Trump was born on June 14th, 1946 in New York City as Donald John Trump. He is a producer and actor best known for the apprentice, the company central roast of Donald Trump and Fox and friends, which is a real burn on the presidency.

And then in the nickname section, the nicknames that they've got listed are the Don, the Donald, the Trumpster, DJT, and the president of the United States of America. He has finally updated his website. I'm not in a position to criticize people for not updating their websites, but so at the moment of the inauguration on Trump.com, the biography page did not mention the fact that

he was the House of the Come President of the United States. It has now been updated. The final paragraph now reads, Mr Trump officially announces candidacy for the presidency of the United States on June 16th, 2015, on the 20th of January 2017, Mr Trump was sworn in as the 45th president and turned over the management of the Trump organization to his eldest son,

Donald Jr., and Eric, which follows on now from, I mean, that is considered only worth putting in at the end of his autobiography after Mr. Trump has been recognized by Golf Digest magazine as Golf's greatest builder today. And by sports illustrator, that's the most examples of US presidents with unusual CVs before they came into office. Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer, Ronald Reagan starred in a series of films with a chim called Bonzo, and Calvin Coolidge actually used to roll around with a tiger. A little Calvin and Hobbs joke there. Quite early on in the interview.

So let's disregard that for a second and see where we're at after a week of the Trump presidency. And the answer is on the precipice of total Armageddon. In his first week, he has had a Twitter meltdown signed an order mandating the removal of funding for any organisation that supports abortions, tried to stop all refugees from Syria coming into the country, stopping all refugees full stop. He's also promised to publish a weekly list of crimes committed by immigrants and then demanded that Mexico pay for a border wall, which caused the Mexican president

to cancel his proposed trip to the United States of America. At this point, his first week in office sounds less like the actions of the leader of the free world and more like the lyrics to an updated version of Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire. Refugees, f*** yourselves, women need to shut their mouths, going on a Twitter rant and antagonising Mexico. We didn't start the fire. Well, I mean, you say we're closer to Armageddon. The Doomsday Clock, a symbolic clock face that represents quite how close we are to global catastrophe. It's been maintained since 1947 by a load of scientists that are the discredited social group.

They have moved the minute hand forward. We're now just two and a half symbolic minutes away from Armageddon since Trump. He's been very busy. He stood up for the ordinary American Rust Belt worker who got him into power by trying to accelerate the heat death of the planet and above all by stopping women in Africa having access to birth control. Key issues in the former industrial heartlands of the United States. All those voters who went to the ballot box in November thinking, I've been left behind by the pitilessly a moral myopia of modern global capitalism

by the tycoons and billionaires who care not for the livelihoods of others. If only somehow our political system would recognize this and slash funding to crucial women's health services in the developing world. If only, as long as I know those who are a random women cannot get advice on family planning, then the urban desolation and decay I live in will all seem worthwhile.

Trump has he's fulfilled the wishes of his voters, fair play to him. There's been a lot of talk about the lack of basic competence in the hand over between Obama to Trump. There was a big scandal yesterday because a whole number of people in the hand over between Obama to Trump. There was a big scandal yesterday because a whole number of people in the State Department left. Now that's not uncommon because those are largely political appointments. The problem is there are no replacements lined up and as such, there is no secretary of state in America.

So there's been a lot of issues about basic competence. So you would think Sean Spicer, press secretary, face of the administration is going to be keeping, you know, doing his best to put his best face forward. Unfortunately, yesterday, he tweeted this, N9 Y 25, A H seven. Now, God, that's not a nuclear code. Yeah, that was the immediate concern. However, the immediate concern was,'s not a nuclear code. That was the immediate concern of everyone. The immediate concern was, was this a nuclear code. It was quickly deleted, but not before,

obviously everyone on Twitter had screen grabbed it. So the implication is clearly that that was his Twitter password. But more concerned, he was it the nuclear codes. And we are now in a situation where the best case scenario is that the press secretary of the president of America has no idea how to use a computer. The press secretary of America is showing the same level of competence as your grandmother. A number of other actions by Trump, I mean, there's been a lot of talk about the wall with Mexico. He said, you know, obviously, he said throughout the campaign, Mexico is going to pay for it. And

all his supporters said Mexico is going to pay for it. So they, you know, the Democratic mandate there. They've shouted it at rallies. The only difficulty is how to get Mexico to pay for it because there's a number of options at how, how do you get someone to pay for it because there's a number of options. How do you get someone to pay for a $25 billion wall that they don't want? It's a difficult thing. I mean, option one, ask nicely. Can't really be seen to do that. That's not what people voted for.

Option two, ask not nicely, which they have tried and Mexico said, no. Option three is do it covertly using taxes. Now this seems to be what they're now going to try to do. But the problem is, you know, raising import taxes on Mexican goods. It's just not a satisfying is it? Where is the Dix-Winging Political Trump in gradually collecting a new 20% import tax or cutting aid programs to the Mexico?

America wants to see the full 25 billion handed over either on a giant novelty check or preferably in a massive briefcase filled with non-sequential $20 bills. Plus you then have to factually knock on impact essentially meaning that America will be indirectly paying Mexico to indirectly pay America for the wall. Option 4 is just pretend. And I think this is their best option. The American public has shown itself to be credulous of bullshit. All it needs to do, and politics is 99% psychological these days, Nish. Yeah. All you need to do is come out one day, Trump and say, yeah, I saw President Paine on the yesterday, and he just forked up, gave me

a 25 billion. Did it wipe paypal, so we're all sorted. And I think, no, that would make America have. I mean think that would make America happy. I mean, that's basically what he's done through the campaign and in the first week of his presidency. I mean, it's either one of those options or it's going to be the mother of all kickstarts. And they are going to have to have some huge rewards for those bits. Or looking at the way the Mexican's play football is going to have to be an overhead kickstarter. or looking at the way the Mexican's play football is going to have to be an overhead kickstarter. I'll be a glist. I wish you could see the amount of pride in Andy's eyes right now.

The spirit of Hugo Sanchez lives on. Option five is compromise and get Mexico to build a wall and pay for it, but in return for that, they will have to then return to the Mexican border of 1824. That's basically what it would lose. Well, about 40% of the USA, but you know, as long as they do it, it's all accounts. Many Mexicans view the wall as quotes unnecessary inhumane, expensive and ineffective. And Trump has responded to this by saying, you forgot counterproductive. Still 4 out of 5 ain't bad. Take that, Meatloaf, beat you by 13.3%. Beyond the politics and whatever you may think about Trump, it does seem like the administration has got off to a bad start just in terms of basic competence.

They didn't start well because they got bogged out in an argument over how many people with the inauguration There's been various rumblings of discontent by White House staffers who say that there's no plan in place And this is the danger when you elect someone with absolutely no political experience This is the problem when you go for the maverick the anti-politics candidate It's a little bit like something Aristotle once said. I can't believe this shit. What the f*** were you thinking? If you elect a c*** with no f***ing experience

and expect that he'll be moderated by a group of people around him who are as big if not bigger c***s than him. Of course, everything he's going to be f***ed. Very wise man, Aristotle. Wise man. Oh, that's... I mean, it's slightly over-infusioastic translation if I recall from my days studying here. Yeah, it's less of translation and more of a performance art piece,

I call there goes the green card. Torture is back as well. Has it ever been a way? There's got nostalgia comes in many forms, but you wouldn't have thought it would necessarily be for waterboarding. Although to be fair, the CIA quiz team absolutely never loses. I had a guest spot on the CIA quiz team once and it was amazing how many number one hits from the 1950s. I could remember when I was under the pump.

They get the best out of you. Yeah, well I was trying to get my kids school to teach people to have a water board themselves during exams. But of course the Naysayers and the Snowness snowflakes they won't get the right answer. I say it's better to get something down on paper rather than leave it blank. Classic, winging millennials. That's right.

And that's the one I think people say that, you know, skeptics that torture victims don't always tell the truth under pain assisted interrogation. And it does make you wonder, what the f*** have they been doing to Sean Spicer behind the scenes? He must have been throughout. If Donald Trump is really interested in torturing people,

then I would advise instead of doing things like waterboarding, he just hands over transcripts of his own speeches and just demands that people read them verbatim because just someone who tried to read the whole of the transcripts of his interview with ABC this week. It is maddening within sort of about three minutes of starting to read that thing. I would happily have fessed up all my bank details and claimed responsibility for the great

fire of London. Yeah, I mean, just inauguration on a loop. Well, actually, if they put it up in Guantanamoamo, just like say, right, everyone, film night, and big screen, big screen on the basketball court, whatever they got, whatever they have the meetings in Guantanamo, I'm a bit out the loop. I just put trumps in or duration on an endless loop. You know, they would basically have confessions to every crime, as you say, dating back to the 60s. I'm really enjoying your version of what you think happens to quite a lot of it.

Phil Knight, basketball coach. Yeah, well, Brussels, isn't it? Bloody human rights. Thank God we finally Brexit it all that nonsense. I think I, I'm an alternative form of torture. It should be forced to follow 10,000 teenagers on Facebook. That would work within about three days. Or copy out each of Donald Trump's tweets 100 times

like a naughty schoolboy. Trump's tried to justify his attitude towards terrorism by describing some of the atrocities that ISIS commits. And saying, when ISIS is doing things that nobody has heard of since medieval times, would I feel strongly about waterboarding? And I don't know about you, Nish, but I find it extremely reassuring, have finally have a president who calibrates his moral barometer to ISIS. That's, you know, maybe I hope that's the base level, but also I didn't realize ISIS were doing things for Medieval times. So that's the gesture we're going to win this

conflict far easier than I thought we were going to. They just got bow and arrows. Well, yes. Well, it was that comment, if we'd mentioned this on the people who were forward. I think Paul Ryan suggested bombing them back to the Stone Age. And I'm pretty sure you would have to bomb ISIS forward to the Stone Age. Trump went on to say, I've spoken with people at the highest level of intelligence

and I asked him a question, does it work, does torture work, and the answer was, yes, absolutely. Now, can you take my testicles out of that clamp to do my fingernails back on and turn that f***ing dripping tap off? Please, Mr. President. LAUGHTER

So, yeah, there's a number of different, um, it could, uh, I don't know, other torture techniques. Become a commentator on the seniors golf tour for a season, that must be pretty disparaging. All comes to every single one of my UK tour gigs, starting in Bristol. Next Thursday, the second of February, nearly so, Bristol is nearly sold out.

Huge, huge in Bristol. That's great, other gigs on the tour, less nearly sold out. What we, what we talking, what are the travel spots? I wonder if it intersects with some of Cobas, but I see a gigs. Richmond, Richmond Yorkshire. Richmond Yorkshire. The Georgia Theatre, or 10th of February, come along. Other days, she might be interested in leads on the fourth, less from the ninth. Richmond, the seventh, Peter on the tenth, Peter on the eleventh, Keltchister 16th, Corsham 17th, Milton Keynes 18th, Salford 19th, and others, Andy Saltzum.co.uk.

You are a... I've just managed to get a plug into jokes about torture. That is the kind of ruthless commercialism that I've built my career in. It's not what you would call an ideal vibe, self-promotion-wise, to lead into it by going, speaking of torture. LAUGHTER My comedy. No.

LAUGHTER Roll up. Roll up. MUSIC You know, it has been a rough week. And there is something I read that suggests that a lot of people have simply given up because this week, sales of George Orwell's 1984 have gone through the roof. A couple of quick things here, it does suggest that a lot of people are just now thinking, well, it's all over, we may as well try and find out how you actually get along under one of

these regimes. But also, it does make me think, left-wing people, we are a parody of ourselves. Because when faced with Trump, instead of thinking, well, let's sort of, you know, think about what practical measures we could do to try and stop this stuff happening. We've all gone fetch me a novel. LAUGHTER For through literature, shall I understand?

Well, also, I'm not sure if I've all well. Scientists have obviously jumped on this bandwagon as well, because we're just reading that, so they've created a human pig hybrid. Yeah, that's right, yeah. Oh well, there's all the rives these days. It's been a huge week for George all well. Yeah.

Authoritarianism, talking pigs. George Orwell. Authoritarianism talking pigs. As part of that lengthy rambling and completely f***ing income here, an interview Donald Trump gave to ABC News. He said something quite extraordinary. He was talking about how dangerous the world is right now as a justification for some of his more draconian policies. And he actually said this, the world is as angry as it gets. Now, that is a big claim, given that there have literally been two world wars. I mean, I would advise Donald Trump not necessarily to comb through a history book, but at least maybe watch 35 minutes of saving private Ryan. to comb through a history book, but at least maybe watch 35 minutes of saving private Ryan. Absolutely incredible. He's a f***ing idiot.

Well, a quick update on how it's actually going, because obviously the main goal of Trump is to make America great again. M-A-G-A. Currently America is scoring 16.58 on the greatness scale. And we'll keep you updated with their score as the journey towards greatness continues. Maybe we've all missed Trump's whole thing and maybe Trump is attempting to make America great again because he believes America was at its peak in the sort of prehistoric era And he's trying to drag America back to a time where only dinosaurs could survive on it Yes, I mean yeah

I've had it. It's too much, Nish. I think I've injured myself psychologically. Oh, Andy, you look so sad. I've had it last week by watching too much news and above all, reading too many below the line comments on these stories. We never do that. Basically, like gazing into the open throat of the devil. Andy, you're on particularly poetic form today. Thanks, Nish. and throat of the devil. LAUGHTER Um... Andy, you're on particularly poetic form today. Thanks, Nick. It's like doing a podcast with William Blake. LAUGHTER

Um, also, Andy is making it up a tree. LAUGHTER A little joke there for William Blake fans in the house. It's a bit mainstream, mate. I've got a appeal to the masses these days, am I? LAUGHTER Um, I think I've got to have to have a week off Trump next week on the bugle. He's already since becoming president, ticked off all seven deadly sins and contravened all ten commandments, I believe. Without wishing to be too coarse, he's definitely out of one in the overloaf.

There is simply no way. I give it. I reckon he lasted 45 minutes before he dismissed absolutely everyone. I mean, the good news for him is that he hasn't hired any f***ing staff, so it's not like anyone's going to come knocking. Definitely knocks one out. Thank you for, I mean, it is probably, I has raised the tone of the Trump presidency.

Also, he's going to come down hard on voter fraud. Yeah, that's right. Which, you can understand the big issue, after he somehow became president, despite the will of the American people, brackets, see accompanying footnotes. Right, but it's good that, you know, when allegations this series had been made about voter fraud, he as present has a duty to investigate them, particularly when those allegations come from a source as high up as the president of America himself. So it's good that he's basically investigating his own phrase rambling.

Yes, it's the perfect crime. Last weekend there were marches around the world, I don't know if there was one in the Brazilian jungle for you to join in. Yeah, unfortunately it was not a march. There were millions of people, over four million in the US alone, around 200,000 in London, depending on whose numbers. You believe I went on the London march last week, the women's march, and I took my kids along, and well I say I took my kids along, my wife took my kids and me along.

You think she tricked you, like that you were all off to watch cricket? There were some banners that were, you know, slightly crudely expressed. Hard to hear. When accompanied by small children, including one that said, if abortion is murder, then blow jobs are cannibalism. And I can't have a lost, slightly lost count of the number of times I used the term ask your mother. To be fair to that person, they were just quoting from some of the deleted verses from

Rudyard Kipling's ear. Just a bit of poetry of an afternoon. But so we basically smashed the patriarchy niche. That's right. My daughter, who's 10, she said, she told me I was too childish to be a patriarch. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha kind of childish, because I don't think anyone gets more childish than Donald Trump, King Patriarch of the Patriarchy. I just have the wrong kind of childishness. We are just absolutely cranking out potential show titles, or names for your autobiography, two childish to be a Patriarch. That is, I expect to see that on bookshelves in 2018. It was quite an inspiring day.

Yeah, how was the month? Huge crowds, very good atmosphere, very positive, certainly in London and across the world. It looked to me very much like a dignified collective expression of democratic opinion, highlighting entirely justifiable concerns and expressing global solidarity in a time of anger and uncertainty. But it turns out, having read some of the newspaper reports, and in particular, below the line of opinions, I was wrong, and it was, in fact, a rabble of rabid feminist trying to destroy democracy and everything we hold dear. So absolutely. I just, I just, I just, I've certainly got it wrong.

But my girlfriend was on that march and she is an absolute feminacee. And she is absolutely, she despises all men. Right. And does not allow me to vote for the decisions that are made in my own house. Right. I'm a slave, Andy. Some people said, what was the point of this march? What was it going to achieve?

And you know, Trump did not instantly resign. There's everyone on that March clearly thought he was going to, therefore it was pointless. A quick update from last week, we had a special two-club presidential cryptic crossword. I can now give the answers. One across the clue was solution two words, six letters and five letters. Obviously perverted new White House resident goes for some sodomy, switches over a, gets between two large breasts. That's the start then more asked. The solution of course, Donald Trump. Do you want the explanation? Okay. So the solution is obviously perverted new White House resident, that's the answer. Goes for some sodomite, that is anal with the O switch for the A to make the Oinal of Donald. Between two large breasts, double D, that's the start, that's the first

letter of the word that, then more R's, Rump. And one down, President, American leader, confused after getting the fourth and fifth prostitutes to get mixed up with endless dirty peas solution president. So you have Donald Trump across president down. So that's American leader president Confused after getting the fourth and fifth prostitutes. I'm trying to remember how this worked So that's that is S and T mixed up with Endless dirty P so that's the DIRT and PEE with the fifth letters of the word prostitutes. There we go. That was time badly spent. And it might be the jet lag talking but I have no what's going on right now. Your emails now and this came in from Chris Mandi and Noah who writes on the subject Halloween

update now and they say hey Andy and whichever hero is hosting with you this week. Oh, hi. Long time this and first on me, Melah. I thought I'd let you have an update about my family life. Thanks very much Chris. That's delightful. During this year's Halloween, I presume you mean last year's Halloween, unless Halloween has been moved, my partner, Mandy and I were fed up of kids knocking on the door and asking for sweets. This constant barrage of knocks also woke up our four-month-old, which Mandy started to get royally pissed off

about. So she decided to take matters into her own hands. She made a scarecrow out of some of my old clothes and stuck a picture of Andy's face on it, with a sign saying, by your own candy. I don't know why she used Andy's face, but when I lost her, she said that he looked like an angry clown. Anyway, keep up the good work. Oh, I'm not. Absolutely honoured. I can't believe there's so much to enjoy that, Abile.

So much to enjoy. Also buy your own candy s**t. It's actually a line from Quentin Tarantino's upcoming remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You cast Samuel L Jackson as Willie Wonka, that's what's gonna happen. I can't believe they used your face. Yeah, well, I mean, who would you have used? Well, I don't know. I mean, I'm assuming they accessorized it with my laugh. I think I would have used an entire printout of Article 50. Just finish. Just watching Luther.

Dang, dang, dang. This came in from Madeline. Deer Andy, as a long time American bugler, I was excited to be finally on the right side of the Atlantic to catch your Soho show. When I told my mother later how much I'd enjoyed the show, she exclaimed how happy she was that I'd gotten to see my quotes, role model. Now neither you nor I signed you up for that title. It's up to you if you wish to claim it, but I should warn you, it's a poison apple. The last person to hold the title of my role model was Joan of Arc, who was famously roasted by her British critics before flaming out.

Um, with a... I believe she was roasted on the basis this year as Madeline's role model. LAUGHTER And finishes with a nice little pun with the success of the bugle at stake. I wouldn't wish to be the Ruan of it, the Ruan, the city in France, where I believe was Joan of Arc executed in ruin? Let's check. I was going to say, is that not a double pun?

Because she's also used the steak of the, because Joan of Arc was burned at the steak, wasn't she? Yes. It's a compound pun. Oh God, yes it is. It's steak and ruin. Well, very God, God, that's superb. It's staked and ruined. It's staked. Oh, God, that's superb. It's a very unlikely for a pun to fly on these right, aren't they? You really must be off with all this Trump and Brexit stuff. She died in Ruan in Normandy, so there you go. Wow.

Staked and ruined. Keep your emails coming in to HelloBuglers at theBuglePodcast.com unless you are spam, in which case don't. It's getting quite annoying. Right, that is it for this week's bugle. Don't forget to come to all of my tour shows, wherever you live, particularly if you live in Richmond. Nish, anything to plug? Yes, I'm doing some shows that I'm just going to...

I do. I mean, Glasgow on Monday, the 30th, Edinburgh, the Tuesday, and then Aberdeen on the Wednesday. And then Oxford on the Thursday. Right. Is that the Oxford gig that we felt might have been cancelled? The Phantom gig, it's back on. I was back on, right? Yeah, it's back on the Thursday. Right. The South of Oxford gig that we felt might have been cancelled. The Phantom gig is back on. I was back on.

Yeah, it's back on. Yeah. So I've got those dates and then... And then I've got some others back on me. Jesus! There we go. Thank you, Buiglers. We'll be back.

There will be a show next week. I don't know if it'll be a full show yet or not, but there will be something next week. Then, after that, we'll be An. There will be a show next week. I don't know if it'll be a full show yet or not, but there will be something next week Then after that will be Anavabowl in London live in London for oh wow Thanks nish once again for joining us and Yeah, I think we're gonna we are will I think we will lay off Brexit and Trump for a bit and just see what happens and come back to it in like a hundred years I see prism of objective history. Goodbye! Bye!