The Bugle - Bugle 4016 – Terrorists eat cauliflowers

Episode Date: February 10, 2017

Andy is joined by Anuvab Pal. Are you a terrorist? It's no longer simply 'yes' or 'no', and don't ask Donald. Plus, Putin, Romania, Zimbabwe and the original gerrymander. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers! And welcome to issue 4,000 and 16 of the Buggles, the un-argual news podcast that can,

according to education lists, replace 97% of all school and university education, whilst only having a 96% negative impact on your eventual life chances. Pretty strong stats there. I am Andy Zoltzmann and I've taken refuge legally in London where I live. And joining me for the fourth time, it is the star of India himself, the priceless jewel, Hune from the living rock of India, and what's more like many priceless jewels from India,

he's currently in London. It is Anuva Pal. Let's be here and see, hello. The last to have you physically on the same continent. Yeah, I feel like I feel like a few of us have come over over the years. I feel like I'm fulfilling a tradition. Yeah.

I'd say the majority, the 96% of the refer to didn't go back. Right. I'm only here for a week. So this is the vehicle for the week beginning Monday, the 13th of February 2017. On this day in 1542, Henry VIII's fifth wife, Katherine Howard, was executed, beheaded for alleged adultery. Her last words on the 13th of February, 1542, Henry,

you'd better give me some serious, f***ing Valentine's Day bling to make up for this. I may well be needing a new necklace by the look of things. And in 1931, the British Raj completed its transfer from Calcutta to New Delhi. On the 13th of February, big money transfer. That's how many huge ups like the,

it's like Cristiano Ronaldo joining Real Madrid from Man United back in the day. Big change, Andy. Terrible decision. Wow. This. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B a couple of days now, what's out of the city treating you? You know, Andy, I've always fascinated by when I come to the Western world, by some of the stuff I see. I was at Tesco's, which I think is your big grocery store

from the time of the early Tesco. You're well-entified here from a Latin word, Tesco, the Latin verb Tesco, which means to me. Which means to buy mediocre food products and unnecessarily cheap clothing. It's a very specific Latin phrase. It hasn't evolved much at that. But I was quite fascinated because there was a bakery section.

There's a smell of fresh loaves of bread. But they had little bits of the edges of the bread that they cut out and just leave for people to eat. And I found that really wonderful. You know, just the idea that that, you know, I found that philosophically very interesting. Well, we're not giving the whole thing, but here's a bit. But there's hope. You know, I found, do we such a wonderful British quality? There's hope, but there's also gloom because you're not getting the whole thing. And in comparison, in India, if we ever did a thing like that, you'd have to have a special deal with the baker.

So there'd be the crumbs available, just not for everyone. And there'd be a class system around that. And then we'd talk secretly about who had access to the crumbs and stuff. But here it's there just for your public to enjoy. But did you did you take some? I did. I just love the fairness of it. There's just I guess I mean we can't really complain about you as an Indian coming here and taking British food away. You know, we've got a bit of a track record for that, I believe. Yeah, it says there was some... I mean, in terms of, you know, the kind of causing famines, we've got a significant head start.

You're going to have to really up your game to balance out. Correct, church. Churchel. Did have some ships that sailed by with a lot of food. When Indians were starving, this is true. You can't recreate it some sort of a bread counter like Tesco's. That would have been enough. Maybe that was the idea.

But then I don't know, war broke out or something. Yeah, and now 150 years later, in other schools. And home renovation TV shows. Right. I could watch that stuff all day. Because there's so much, there's so much pressure and tension you guys build around the drama of it. I was watching one day at some ballet couple, they live outside London and it's always starts with they have

no money and one of them is dead. He's going to come back to life and this couple are going to find money, they'll do this house up and they're like, oh great, and they're going to rip out this wall. And it's always big windows and it's so sun, but I guess this is always the hope. It's like the breadcrumb. Like in India, we do all that, but eventually you know you move in and you find there are three other families living in the house. So that that clear trajectory to some sort of success and residential bliss we don't have that right so there's so much red diva and so

that's really lovely to watch the sort of there's a certain like murder action movie tension to I mean I guess it could take off in India I'd like to see Mukesh Ambani do a show like that or he's doing up his billion dollar, billion dollar book of flats in Mumbai. Yeah, the world's wealthiest home, right? Yeah. He's the India's the thing that looks like a giant stack of books. Yeah, it's called Antilla.

Right. I think it looks over people sleeping under Tar Paulins in living metaphor for intellectual. Yeah, I had once seen a completely naked man under the world's wealthiest home selling you the Steve Jobs biography. And I thought that it's a lot of point of global capital. I feel like that summed up in India very succinctly. Billiard dollar hob, fake forest insided did. Matt completely naked, selling me this book. In fact, the home has so many rooms that he actually had, as you do in these circumstances, buy a hotel company to manage his home.

So he owns 15% of Oberoi hotels, which is one of India's largest hotel companies, just so that he can get people to run his home. And I think any decent cosy home needs a room service button. Yes, it does. It doesn't necessarily need a room service hotel company, but... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

SXN in the bin this week. Well, it is Valentine's Day. On Tuesday, romance... Very much in the air. On Tuesday, replacing the very much in the air on Tuesday, replacing the current thing in the air around the world, which is a stomach-churning sense of dread and fear for the future. But for one day only, love will be in the air. And Valentine's Day, of course, named after some Valentine, the patron saint of overpriced

greetings cards, unnecessarily pink merchandise, Chicago ganglamps, layings, and romantically camouflage the anonymous stalking. And of course, the origin of Valentine's Day, is it a big thing in India? Is it become... It's become bigger because the protests around it have become bigger. Right. I mean, in the 80s, there were bantas that would come and go, people would hold hands, it was fine. But then I think certain religious groups got involved and started selling harassing couples and neck clubs and so on. That sounds unlike religious groups. Yeah, they've never done that before.

And then suddenly more people wanted to take part in Valentine's Day. So it's become like the New York Times, you know, like after the Trump thing, the subscriptions have shot up. So there are way more protests now in India, but we more people celebrating as well. So it's counterbalances. So I think you have to thank the religious groups. I guess, saying Valentine also had a religion. So I think it works well. Well, I mean, he was the, you know, his religion was love. Sorry, I spelled L-U-R-V-E, I believe. And the origin, interestingly, he was a professional monk

on the worshiping circuit back in the day. And he fell in love with a local last name, Petula, in Italy where he lived. And he thought he'd try to woo her by coming to her in a vision, pretending to be the archangel Bartolomeo, the angel of love. With a homemade set of wings, a rope, and a pulley system, he hovered outside her bed chamber in the middle of the night, with a homemade set of wings, a rope, and a pulley system.

He hovered outside her bed chamber in the middle of the night, reciting corny little poem, suggesting that Petula might be interested in a hunky young monk from the local monastery, while spelling out the letters of the name Valentine with his arms and legs. So she would subliminally know it was him,

the end result. Petula became a nun the next morning convinced she'd been visited by God. Oros, this does conflict a little with previous expeditions for the origin of Valentine's day on the bugle. But such is the age we live in, Vueglis. I'm just a product of my bullshit-y in times.

Both versions are true, even if they are completely contradictory. And we give also in a quick guide to the ethical Valentine's Day gifts you can get this year, including Scluton Malvain, the celebrity chef, tells you how to make a romantic meal out of rotting windfall fruit from last autumn. And also a full guide to roadkill jewelry and accessories, including badge approaches, a ferret necklace, a bunch of pheasants, and, of course, fox-pelt lajury. That section in the bin. ...

And in the top story this week, like all top stories everywhere in any country of the world, including southern Suriname, his Donald Trump. I have a question, Andy. So a judge in Seattle, a Republican judge, a bloc, a nation, but had a nationwide block on the travel ban. And he said, you can't stop people, just randomly from different countries coming in. Fair enough. And Trump called him a so-called judge.

And my question is, does this now revolutionize judgments everywhere in the world from the Greek system of justice? Like, for example, if a man in India has been tried for murder and a sentence to death, could he just stand up and say, well, that's your judgment from a so-called judge and India has been tried for murder and a center to death. Could he just stand up and say, well, that's your judgment from a so-called judge

in this so-called court, in your so-called justice system. Right. See, I see it a different way actually. I see this as an example of Trump being extremely respectful to both the American justice system and Judge Robot himself. He called him a so-called judge, yeah, yeah, so which is fair enough because there was nothing about

James Robot that intrinsically makes him a judge. It's merely the fact that humans evolved language to communicate ideas and gradually form some concept of justice requiring people with expertise and authority to be given the jurisdiction to apply the concept of justice and call it justice and themselves be called judges and for James Robot to attain the elevated level that enables us to call him a judge. So highlighting all the human evolution that has gone into him being appointed a judge and called a judge, merely highlights one amazing guy he must be. I mean, this is trump bowing the knee to the concept of justice. I think you've had about something great, Andy, because you can then extend the so-called to anything, till the person proves that he's that thing.

Like, you could go up to a person and say, so so-called human. Yeah. And the person then has to do human things. It gets very hot of the philosophy of language, doesn't it? Yeah. What does it mean? And also uniforms as well.

I think I don't know whether it was you guys that invented the robe for the judge. I think we realized quite early in our national existence. Quite how much you could get away with if you put on a smart uniform. Yeah. And as would be testified by the history of India as well. We were very smartly dressed, or we'd turn up and it gives you an inbuilt authority. When they were announcing the 16th century,

when they were announcing death sentences, that's when they put on the wig. No, they put the black cap on top of the wig. All right. Yeah, so you had. No, that's like put the black cap on top of the wig. Alright, yeah, so you let the wig on. And I put the black cap on, which is a bit of a spoiler alert. It's a good defendant. Yeah, I was just thinking that. Like, first of all, the moment he goes to the black cap,

you know, you know, like, okay, game over. Yeah. And then if you're gonna announce a dead center, should you be more somber instead of looking totally ridiculous? I mean, is the goal here a little bit of humour? Because the British are known for the humour, so is it? Is it because I'm now going to do a bit of cross-racing? Right, but because the black cast...

I'm going to look a bit like a picnic napkin. So it just seems like, yeah, you're going to hang a man. Yeah. The leppy do it in the most ridiculous way possible. Let me show a bit of salsa while I'm at it. So the so-called judge thing is, you know, I think he raised a really good point about Jewish students because, you know, I'm reminded of a story of a court in Uttar Pradesh, India, where a judge felt so unsafe because the area he was a judge of was filled

with so many vandals and criminals that he sat on the judge's desk with a gun. And I felt that that's your then one step away from then announcing the sentence and carrying it out yourself by shooting the guy in the face. Right. I do hope Donald Trump does not listen to this episode. That will give him ideas that will be very hard to stop. Correct. But in their case, he wouldn't be a so-called judge because he'd been judge and be very hard to stop. Correct. But in that case, he wouldn't be a so-called judge

because he'd been judge and judgment at the same time. Yeah. And I think this is your right. Like, like, gots in Minnesota, Wisconsin, you know, across the board, if judges started carrying some sort of firearm, you know, he wouldn't be a so-called judge anymore because he's actually passed the sentence. And I think Homeland Security is now being told that given that they don't really have any

legal backing to stop people, that they were encouraged to do extreme vetting. Like, how do you extremely vet just people from different nationalities? So I think they're asking what Donald Trump is asking on Twitter. He's asking Iranian families, are you bad people? And then some Iranians are saying, no, we're not. And they're saying, okay, go to baggage reclip. Well, I think that could be Trump's way of simplifying and streamlining the process. If you see it through his worldview, you want to have all these complicated immigration forms to fill in, all these visa applications of 30 pages of questions to answer.

Just have to take a simple, goody or bady box. That will, I mean, you'll get through, fly through immigration in America. It's quick. You know, when I filled out my job application, when my first job was in the US, one of the forms they make you fill out, question number two is, are you currently, have you ever been a terrorist? And the options were yes, no, and don't know. But, well, don't know, is an increasing, that is an increasingly likely option.

Because, I mean, what Trump has essentially issued a, the issued a list, and they have all the terrorist attacks that have been committed, including a number of attacks which had nothing to do with terrorism. And obviously we have the Bowling Green Massacre last week that we talked about on the show, the Fictitious Massacre, and we've had an email, rather in moving email, come to the show from someone who just found out that they lost someone in the Bowling massacres. I thought it was with you. And I mean, I've said, you could, I think,

I mean, yeah, you don't, you just don't know now. You just don't know what, when you do something, I mean, I might just go to the shop and buy a cauliflower. I don't know now whether I've committed terrorism or not. You just don't know. It is such a vague and malleable concept but don't know I think everyone will have to take even terrorists might actually find out that they weren't that they weren't we just don't know anymore. Yeah. In fact, Khaled Sheikh Muhammad the master planner of 9-11 who's currently in Guantanamo Bay

did it give a statement yesterday or day before. This is a fact and he said, I'm confused. And when he's saying it, you know, he's like, he's confused by what's going on. Right. And he has, he now has having been previously a self-confessed. Al-Qaeda, bigwig.

Yeah. He now doesn't leave. Oh, what a world we live in! Starts sure what it means anymore. He's got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got language. I mean, you personally, you're welcome. I like what you guys have done with it. 1757, you came over yourself, give it to us. And you know, words like Bessica, you know, in men to certain thing when we went through your education system in our schools.

You know, but now if the massacre extends to just normal things, like I got delayed on my way over on the tube at Green Park Station, so I had a Green Park massacre. Well, and yeah, but we can't argue the fact anymore. on my way over on the tube at Greenbach station. So I had a Greenbach massacre. And yeah, but we can't argue the facts anymore. That's your fact. That's just happened. No, we don't have the authority. So I'm not, yeah. Unless you're a printed in cyclopedia now and they basically don't exist anymore, anything can be a fact. Anything. Trump, I mean, he basically has taken one look at the concepts of justice, respect for the law and the accumulated wisdom and progress of generations.

He sniffed it stainfully, unbuttoned his trousers, removed his penis, and then vomited all over the concept of justice before saying, you thought I was going to piss on it, didn't you? And then you're relating all over his own vomit. That is quite literally what he has done to American justice in his own mind anyway. A decisive vomit and then a stubbornly patriotic was. Exactly, you're just one step away from him doing that on the constitution and then calling it this so-called book.

Yes. Well, I mean, a lot of people said, we've got to give Trump time, you know, that we can't judge him on the things he said and done. As he also goes, I don't know, but you can't judge a book by his cover or by his contents. You should judge a book by how much it hurts when someone smashes you repeatedly on the head with a hard back copy.

And you should also judge a book by his Twitter account. And when that book is, my presidency volume one, plonking it on the table and saying what happens by President Donald Trump. And that Twitter account is essentially a series of weird, free-verse 140 character maximum catawalls from the planet crank. It's essentially a minute by minute, post-high-coup series of billion grams,

charting a mental map of a planet and species that were it to actually exist, rather than just being fictional trumpania. It would be even more terrifying than fucking planet Earth already is. I can't, I said two weeks ago, I had to take a week off Trump. Yeah. I've now not taken a week off Trump for two weeks in a row and my sister's on the show

next week and I think she's had enough of, I think we'll just talk about our childhoods. I love the week's mind works because it goes from terrible terrorists coming in from Syria. Yep. My daughter Ivanka has been badly treated by Nordstrom. It's so specific, right? Goes from the grand to the tiny.

It's very godlike, you know? These shoelaces and then right after that, the trouble with bin Laden. That's bin Laden. Donald Trump can get angry at every grain of sand. Yeah, he tweeted this, when a country is no longer able to say who can and who cannot come in and out, especially for reasons of safety and security, big trouble. Explosions, big trouble indeed. I mean, it's slightly less big trouble given that safety and security are not really the reasons and political grandstanding is, but I mean, his point stands, but just imagine, imagine if he's worried about desperate refugees coming into the country, imagine how not to go

if someone ever tells him how many Americans are killed every year by guns or cars or burgers or beer or cigarettes or pollution or playing American football, falling off horses, falling off bicycles, falling off unicycles, falling off branches, falling off sofas, or falling off erotic, say domestic, mechanical, rodeo, f*** donkeys. Imagine that. Imagine how angry he'll be then. I mean, he's already angry at stuff that he doesn't need to be angry about. The man is, he is a ticking volcano. That last means of death is a fantastic means of death.

I think if you're going to die with the rodeo f***ing funky, you've done well. I think it never has a true word been spoken on this podcast, Enneveve. You can buy your f***edunkies at f***edungens.com, by the way. But you can also buy tickets to my UK tour shows. Now, um... LAUGHTER MUSIC Shaun Spicer, his press secretary, found himself denying that Donald Trump owns a bathrobe

after press allegations, first he might wear a bathrobe. When that is an odd thing Did it not particularly from a man whose chain of hotel Trump hotels? There were 14 hotels listed on the Trump hotels website Presumably he must have stayed in quite a lot of the child's eye He's stolen his own bathrobes off himself. He must have a collection of our reckon at least 50 Bathrobe that he's nicked out of his own hotel rooms What a what a strange thing That's a strange thing to deny. It's almost like now it's

yet like a child just denying absolutely everything. It would be interesting if it was a specific kind of rob, you know, like if Sean Spicer said, we'd like to clarify, it definitely wasn't a kimono. Right. You know, there was something like that, but it's just, I think the original news story said that most evenings he's alone there because his wife and child are not there in Washington and he goes up and he just watches TV wearing a bathrobe. Right. And I was surprised that that's the part they chose to deny.

Yeah. Not the fact that he doesn't work. He's about six o'clock. You know, they just focused on the petty detail. No, he wasn't wearing glass slippers from Vietnam. He was watching TV in an Eddie Bauer, whatever. I was quite surprised. Can you imagine this happening in history?

Can you imagine someone saying, no, President Harry Truman was not in a grusket. No, I mean, I mean, I mean, that's a very, very relevant point. I mean, I guess in a way it's good that we now know the top because we still, you know, we don't know if James K. Polk owned a bathrobe or not, or if Grover Cleveland used to relax in a onesie or a orangy harding chill that evening wearing his wife's silk negligee. and used to relax in a onesie or a orangy, harding chill at the evening wearing his wife, silk, negligee.

We don't know that, but we now know for a fact, because it was a responsible, alleged, faked, alleged news by Sean, if that is indeed his real name, Spicer. But that must be the first time an official spokesman has denied that a president owns a bath, but it's interesting to deny. Like I said, Sean Spicer, SS, I don't know if that's an appropriate shortening for anyway.

The Spice Master did not deny that Trump wears all owns any of the following, he did deny the bath, but he did not deny that Trump owns one a diamond encrusted Gimp mask, given to him as an orguration gift by Vladimir Putin. He didn't deny that. So that must be a fact. He did not deny that Trump owns two,

a skin-tight superhero suit, made out of the hide of far two, one of only three remaining white rhinoceroses in existence. He did not deny that Trump owns all the costumes worn by the pop group, the village people in the video to the hit anthem, YMCA, or for a team jersey from the Sudanese national ice hockey team signed personally by all the players. And he also did not deny that Trump has a Kalashnikov and a subscription to basketsfulofpuppies.com so that every morning he gets delivered a fresh basket full of puppies to release into the White House drop room and shoot. The drop room, by the way, is a special one set aside in the White House

for presidents to go and let off steam. They instituted it. Soon after James Madison went nuts in 1814 after losing a game of spanking turtle against his VP, Eldridge Gary. He fired a pistol of his favorite teddy bear, which caught fire, leading to the White House burning down. They managed to spin the story and blame it on the British. But anyway, they've had the stop-remever since. Now, I'm not saying Donald Trump does or doesn't shoot a basket full of puppies every morning, but Spice is frankly deafening silence on the matter, says more than a thousand facts ever could. I mean, why wouldn't he deny it? Why would he not just come out and deny that Trump shoots puppies? And even why wouldn't he deny it? Why would he not just come out and deny that Trump shoots puppies? And even if he didn't know it, why should we believe him?

I'm confused. I think it is such a weird thing to deny that the only conclusion is that he does own a bathrobe. But more than that, it is the bathrobe of Countess Elizabeth Bathory, the notorious 16th and 17th century Hungarian noblewoman, famous for being allegedly one of history's most prolific serial killers and bathing in the blood of virgins. So we have to assume that Donald Trump sits there every night watching news channels on his own in nothing but the blood-stained bathrobe of a 300 plus victim slayer. Otherwise, why not just deny it? Andy, how much do you know about Elbridge Gary? Not a great deal, but he died later that year in 1814.

He is Jerry Mandarin, is a bastardisation of his name. Jerry Mandarin, because, well, because he's Jerry Mandarin before it was a word, do not bring facts to the show now It's up to you to choose you can choose whether or not to believe that Wow Well, I think it's pronounced Gary. It was Gary, but because people are thick Right it changed okay, or or have a reason. Yeah Gary Mandarin doesn't sound like that. In other, from possibly Trump-related news, a Bolivia has declared a state of emergency due to a plague of locusts there, I guess the signs were there.

It's all gonna happen. There's one there's going to be a million. And in other news, I have a question. Vladimir Putin, the fair left-leaning democratic leader of the former Soviet Union, that he's brought back. The former and future Soviet Union. That is brought back. The former and future Soviet Union. Yeah. The mild-mannered music loving. Vladimir Putin just passed a law that decriminalizes petty domestic violence, small domestic violence. Right.

And my question is Andy, is it because in the middle of the night, Vladimir Putin is irract with guilt. At some point, he told himself, I'm bombing all these countries, I'm spying on all these countries, I'm kidding all these people. Is it fair for me to pass laws and expect my people not to beat each other up? Wow, I hadn't thought of it from those terms. I mean it is not a surprising piece of legislation from Putin's Russia. You might think that Russia is a country where, according to some estimates, around 10,000 women a year are killed by domestic violence. That it should be a country that's clamping down on domestic abuse rather than clamping up on it

or releasing the clamp entirely, saying here, have the clamp. Do it what you want. Russia needs a more tolerant attitude towards domestic violence, kind of, in the same way that ancient Roman celebrity Emperor Niro needed a more tolerant attitude towards his own lavish excess, or even in the same way that Russia needs a more tolerant attitude towards vodka-drinking dodgy oil plutocrats and megalomaniac leaders. It is bizarre. The ocean favour say it is defending tradition, which does not say a lot for Russian traditions. I don't know if they understand that for other Russian traditions, like millions of people being given a one-way ticket to a non-voluntary staycation at Shagoolag. Don't forget to pack

your factor minus 50 suncream. It's a tough, uh, yeah, I mean, it's a tough time for the concept of human progress at the moment. Yeah. And also, I don't know what other traditions will come back, you know, if the Romans in their election, if the Italians decide in man versus bear, it's perfectly legitimate back in the Colosseum. Or the Mongolians decided it's perfectly legitimate

for us to get on horses and start cutting off heads all across Eurasia. Well, that would be an interesting one. Because Mongolia is quite a sparsely populated country these days. Yeah. I mean, if we're interesting to see how far I go, I'm just trying to.

Yeah. They couldn't even get to the outskirts of Ulan Bato. You know that the great days of Cheng is kind of behind them. You know, but- It does seem that way. But if they start outlying stuff like this, I think it's a slippery sloped, you know, us back in the caves,

chopping off each other's heads, I think. Well, I mean, maybe we should just, I mean, that does seem to be the way we're clearly heading. So, when I've said, I mean, practicing drawing pictures of mammoth on walls, because I wanna be right at the cutting edge of modern art when we get back to the back to the f***ing caves. And maybe we should just go back into the sea and start evaluting. There was another interesting piece of government legislation in Romania where the government's attempted to legalize low-level corruption on the grounds that essentially

there was so much of it, it was impossible to do anything about it, so he might as well, rather than sweeping it under the carpet, sweep it over the carpet and just say, oh, this is the carpet. But the Romanian people have been protesting in vast numbers, the biggest protests since the overthrow of communism back in 1989. And they clearly smelt a bit of a rat on this piece of legislation partly because it was so nakedly wrong. And I mean, corruption is supposed to be underhand. I mean, you can't legislate corruption into law.

That is cheating, isn't it? And they smelt her out partly because the sense of the government said, we're gonna dump a load of dead rats through all your letterboxes. There you go, if it smells, let us know. And they did, they let them know, in almost almost almost a government's road back on it,

which is slightly disappointing for me. I think they should have caved in to the Romanian snowflake. Yes. Who are refusing to acknowledge that legalized corruption is the way forward for humanity. Yeah, I mean, just because a few million people showed up in Bucharest and their population is a few million, that doesn't mean the government has to listen.

Weak, that's weak leadership for me. They should have raised the bar and legalized all corruption. That would have been strong leadership. Yeah, this is where you miss Chau-Seth school and people like that. Yeah, this is the time. That is not a sentence you hear very well. But speaking of which, Andy, corruption always brings me back to India country. You're very familiar with. And I think if the past laws like that, I don't know what we do with that time. Like I don't know what Indian courts are on. Yes, I'm in employment rate, which rock it, wouldn't it?

Yeah, I mean, would people like have to learn Skydab because all the cases are not courts. I like corruption. I like the way that you've, that is, it's either corruption or skydiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't President Obama jet skiing, it's like that. It's either the presidency

or jet skiing with Richard Brandt says. There's no middle ground. They can't be, right? And it's like, I will all our courts cover corruption, that all that's in the media's corruption, if they did away with like, we'd actually have to have skills and like build things like the West Way, be too much for us.

And a very big Bollywood star today tweeted a little bit from an environmental science textbook in India. Right. Teaching third form kids about what it means to breathe. And it says, how do we learn that breathing is important? And they have a little experiment that they've got there. It says, take three kittens and put them in three jars and then close the jars. And after a while, when you

open the jars, you would realize the kittens have died. And that's when you realize the importance of breathing. Right. And this big polywood stuff around after he tweeted this and he says, what is this? Is this a thing in the real textbook? And so this is causing a bit of furority. So just wanted to know that that is a good way to teach environmental science because unless you die, you won't really know the meaning of breathing. It brings me back to a show of yours and the I'd seen so far so go when the sub by mortgage crisis had happened. Oh, happy days. Good days. And you could talk about giving loans to people who cannot repay them. Yes. Fundamentally, it seems logical. Yes. But yeah, I mean, you've got to,

you've got to test these things out. Well, I think if I remember the aging piece of stand-up, I'm probably did it on a very early bugle. It was like slamming your testicles in a car door. Correct. You do not know whether or not it will genuinely hurt until you've actually done it. Correct. It seems like it would.

Yes, but you've got to have proof. So basically this is, I've just pulled it up here, take two wooden boxes, make holes on the lid of one box, but a small kitten in each box, close the boxes, after sometime open the boxes, what do you see the kitten inside the box without holes has died. But so basically, the black hole of Calcutta, 17 1756 was in fact an early piece of environmental research. That is correct, Andy. That's a very interesting old.

Embracer Arjadola said, if we take a bunch of British women and children, that led to obviously a real army with weapons showing up and killing everyone. But at the time, it was good. It's good tactic. At the time, he said, you know, if you keep them in a hall where there's no oxygen, they may not live, but I will not know for sure. Right. And let's say put them there. But he did win the one the 1757 Nobel Prize for physics. Here's another story you sent me. And it's from sort of broken and used a few weeks ago,

a robber McGarby, taking a winter holiday for basically two months at a cost of $6 million. Yeah. Basically, he takes stolen from his own people, essentially. Yeah. So all Zimbabweans have essentially paid between them $6 million for Robert McGarby to take his entire family on a two month holiday. Yeah. At a time when, from the sound of it, most Zimbabweans don't have an awful lot of money to holiday. Yeah. At a time when from the sound of it, motion bobbins don't have an awful lot of money to spare.

Yeah, that's a food. Yeah. Although he's 92. I mean, really, you need to go on a fancy holiday at that age. So here's the thing where Robert McGabboy cruise. Yeah, for a week. He loves British things, Robert McGabboy.

He loves like Downton Abbeyish aristocratic British things, except I think he's not allowed to come here. Apparently some little thing about war crimes and genocide or something. Yeah. But there's a few little glitches on his CV. A few tiny things. I think in one of the forms you guys asked him, have you committed genocide? And he clicked on, I don't know. So he's had that problem. So he goes to the nearest alternative Singapore. Right. So he stays two months in Singapore, loves it there. And there's a direct bank transfer from the Treasury to his bank account for the hotel bills, which I think is a fair thing. And the whole country shuts down.

Everybody knows this. Inflation shoots up and he's just out for two months. And I think that's a good way to govern. Well, yeah, I mean, if you offered the American people, Donald Trump going on holiday and doing nothing for two months, it would get, you know, at least 53% of the vote. I mean, obviously that would lose against the 47% majority. But anyway, the point is, maybe it's... This is currency-based confusion, because clearly,

not that long ago in Zimbabwean history, six million units of a currency, this is a $1,0001,000 at its glorious height. It would basically enough to buy half a slice of bread if you were lucky. So it might be Magalby thinks, my holiday only costs 6 million. I'm, what a hero I am, cutting back, having this bargain basement holiday, roughly the same cost as a potato. Correct.

I was actually trying to figure out how much cash that is because, as you know, I've been obsessed with cash for the last few months. And we're here to take $6 million US dollars in Zimbabwean cash. That would be about the size of all of Southern India. That's how much cash Zimbabwean money he would need. We've not had. We used to do a lot of Zimbabwean currently jokes on this show back in the glory days before they put a cap on it and started using US dollars instead. Damn it. But it's good to have them back.

I'm feeling nostalgic now and ever. Thanks for bringing that story to my attention. Spokesperson for the Zimbabwean people first organization called Jealousy Moa Rira, so that we pray that during Mr. Mugabe's holidays, it would dawn upon him that he has reached a stage in his life where even old ceases to be the prefix of man. We hope he will reckon he now belongs to the other world. And it's only fair for him to leave a job of running this country to

those who are on this side of the world. That's great. That's great. Because after it's a very polite way of saying f*** off and died. It was the only thing missing after forced fact is forced human. I think that's the gap. There were... And another Zimbabwean story, the youth and indigenisation minister. And that is one of the most sinister job titles I've heard since 1945. The youth and indigenisation minister, Patrick Zhihuau,

called for thousands of unemployed university and college graduates to be exorcised. Because they've been selling mobile airtime tokens on the street, because they got no jobs because their government is full of fucking lunatics led by an even more lunatic. And he said, the government minister says what we need is exorcisms. I mean, it is a lack of exorcisms preventing these graduates. I'm not guessing it must be difficult if you're in a job interview. Are you or have you ever been possessed by the devil? No, I haven't.

Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. You can be sure. Well, I'm not sure as you can ever be. So no, then, have you ever had an exorcism just to be on the safe side? To be honest, no, I haven't. Sorry, we can't offer you the job. It is just too much of a risk.

And, well, our next or side is in barbed-way in graduates. Dangerous. Well, they pose as much a threat to the safety of the American people as desperate refugees aged six from Syria. So that puts it all in context. Seem level. I mean, you know, some countries, Israel has a Euro military service, right?

Zimbabwe is a Euro exorcism. I think so.ism. Fair deal. In other news, Andy, a number of global news agencies have been talking about how Bollywood box office numbers are inflated. Right. And in some cases, the difference between what two websites and newspapers are reporting

could be upwards of a tiny hundred million dollars. That seems quite a lot. Yeah. And in our denomination, you know, they count the amount of money a Bollywood movie makes in Cros. Right. And Cros for the world audience is a hundred million, billion trillion of something. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,

it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, £10 million,000, right. Which is sounding like a multi-party plan sketch instead of a currency. And you can contribute to those takings by coming to this weekend's talkings. Well Richmond will be his Friday night if you happen to be listening to this as soon as it's released Saturday in Peterborough at the key. Then next week, Colchistor on Thursday, Corsham on Friday, Milton Keane's Saturday and Salford on, oh Milton Keane's is full, I think

Salford on Sunday, but Milton, I'm going to say full, Milton Keane's is a tiny, tiny room, a delightful room, but a tiny room, and then more day, the following week, notting him, and Wolverhampton and Southampton, and then Canterbury on Tuesday, the 28th, and then a bit of a break, till March, in between those, my Melbourne Festival show is now on sale. I'm also doing two live bugles. The first ever live bugles in April, the 16th and 23rd, so check the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website.

And then I have four nights in Sydney, the 24th of the 27th of April, and then a couple of gigs in Auckland and Wellington in New Zealand after that, and then back home from part two of the UK tour. Unless all of the world's problems are fine by then, in which case, I will replace my tour show with a set of acoustic, hard-grunge, funk-trap, slime-jazz fusion covers of the hits of Perry Como using a kazoo and a tub of raisins. And I seriously mean that if all the those problems are solved by me.

Your emails now, as I mentioned in the show, where this very, very moving email came in from Bradley Morgan. Um, he writes, I just listened to bugle 2015 and it brought tears to my eyes when you discuss the Bowling Green Massacre. My alma mater Western Kentucky University is in Bowling Green and I'm therefore heart broken over the thousands potentially millions of lives lost during that massacre. I met some of my closest friends in Bowling Green and have found memories of walking to class with them.

Now they're gone. Not in any real sense. I can still call them up or send them a message on Facebook, Facebook was still, we no longer walked a class together. I've since moved to Chicago hoping to acquire the haunting memories of the Bowling Green Massacre. I felt living in a city where Trump threatens to send in troops to deal with gun crime.

Memory feels safer than the quiet streets of a small Kentucky town. So, never remember. It's a big loss. I think one of the things about new massacres is you can also observe silence. And I think now, I think it's time that various parliaments have an hour silence for fake massacres, at least 20 minutes. That would be so popular around the world, wouldn't it? at least 20 minutes. That would be so popular around the world, wouldn't it? Inventive hours. Twenty-four hours. You need more and more inventive assicas. You get all

parliaments having a 24 hour silence. The world will be so happy. Do keep your emails coming in to hellobuglersatabugelpodcast.com. That brings us towards the end of this show. Thanks very much for listening. I've been an absolute delight to have you, well, thank you for having me. This continent. And it's so nice to be in a part of the world where there's polytests and laws and so on.

Yeah. And yeah, I mean, that is really a very flimsy facade. Polytests. I like the way you put that. And, you know, I've stopped saying, please, and excuse me and so on. So it's just quite shocking for me that those words have come back in my vocabulary. Do you have any forthcoming performances or things

that I love about this? Thank you for asking. But I recorded a special for Amazon. So 12 Indian comedians have recorded different specials. This one's got a live at 40, and it's playing now on Amazon Prime Video. I checked with the good people that do these things and they said it's specifically not available

in the United Kingdom right now. That's my announcement. You're too dangerous. But we can't handle the things. It's too much, too much. So they've put a firewalls instead of walls. But they've put something up. But soon, they say.

And so I guess find out soon. Yes. My DVD is available at GoFasterStripe.com. You can also download it for a fraction of the price. But I'll also be hawking it around at my gigs. Shifting some, I'm literally one or two a show, some serious units. I'll see you all the gigs, butlers. Thanks for listening. Next week, my sister, Helen, is the guest. And, oh, yes. Well, we'll try and talk about something that isn't going to make a scream on the inside for an entire hour. Until then, thanks again, Anivab, and thanks for listening, butlers. Goodbye. Thank you, Andy.

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