The Bugle - Bugle 4017 – Evolution special

Episode Date: February 18, 2017

Andy is joined by Helen to look at a few stories of human endeavor, including: creation of the MAMMOPHANT, beauty spot stag do's and traffic lights versus Darwin. What are we doing to prolong humankind? Not much AND too much.Plus The Trumpet – enough Trump to keep you sated, but not so much to cause uncontrollable bouts of pre-apocalyptic terror.This show was recorded in Andy's shed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers! And welcome to issue 4,017 of the Buggle Audio newspaper for the most visual of all worlds for the week beginning Monday, the 20th of February 2017.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, I may be 42 years old, but I can bench 670. I can run 10K in 17 minutes, all because my body is a fine tuned machine. We are in a chef, if I may quote someone else. We are in my shed, in South London this week, it's rectangular in case you are wondering, and I'm joined by someone who is considerably more adept with words than when I first met her at the age of noughts. From our radio topia sister podcast, the illusionist, it's my actual sister down from the attic for one day only Helen's old man Hello, Andy. Thanks for giving me outside privileges for one day. Yeah. No one is allowed in this shed. This is my shed

Yeah, get your own shed. I can't know it. I know it's a lip I could put one in the attic. We end of the bed. Yeah, next to the door You didn't specify what you were benching 670 of. Oh, right. Molecules. It turns. What do you bench these days? Dogs? Do bench a lot. Plenty benching. Adore a bench. Maybe it's minutes. A bench 670 minutes is spending 11 hours and 10 minutes. Yeah, that seems like you. Well done. You've really improved your personal best. Thank you very much.

This is the people for the week beginning Monday, the 20th of February, the 20th, which means from a presidential point of view, one month down, 95 to go. The end is in sight. Or 47 to go. Let's be realistic, Helen. It's going to be 95, because I think judging by the way it's going,

it is very unlikely that any opposition will be legally allowed to stand in the next general election. Or indeed, anyone will be able to vote apart from senior editors at Broadpart. So, you know, it's all written in the Constitution, it's fine. senior editors at Breitbart. So, but you know, it's all written in the Constitution, it's fine. Some historic adversaries, as always, 20th of February 1792, George Washington signed the Postal Service Act, establishing the US Post Office Department, latterly the US Postal Service, and on the 21st of February 1792, a US post office department's rider rode a donkey coast to coast in 26 hours, although there were then suspicions raised

that the donkey and the rider were using illegal performance enhancing drugs. And of course, the US Postal Donkey riding team was disqualified from the 1793 Tour of America. And on this day, 140 years ago, Helen, 1877, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that that was the day that the world saw the world premiere of Pete Shikofsky's platinum selling smash hit ballet swan lake.

Yeah, nothing to do with rocket science. Not well, exactly. I mean, you literally do not need to be. I mean, I think rocket science and an interest in ballet are not mutually exclusive, but neither are they mutually dependent. Explains a lot. Yeah. When I went up, I've not went into that sense. That is very unusual for you. When you were a child, you had an end to sentences that you began before falling asleep

in the back of a car and completed after waking up about an hour and a half later. Sometimes you just need to take a rest in the middle before you can come to the spectacular conclusion. That was, I've never known anyone else do that. That was quite spectacular. Full of sleep mid-sentence and then wake up. Finish the sentence. Well, I get bored of myself. I hope there was an hour and a half of the internal monologue going on.

It was basically a Henry James sentence, but it lasts for 4,000 words. And there's no punctuation. Oh, well, 30, what, three minutes? And we've already had Tchaikovsky and Henry James. In this podcast. Of course they are. Cutting edge. Well, premier of Swan Lake got some stinking reviews

to be fair from the Moscow Literalist magazine. One star, unrealistic, not enough swans. I wanted a lake made of swans. And today's billiard addict monthly, one star, no games of billiards played in the entire performance. As always, a section of the bugle going straight in the bin this week. We look at all the latest computer games releases, including Thranks of Arvelia, fantasy roleplay, slash thundergaard,

teetime, cake snacks, swords and saucers, epic from the makers of Glyverard, slaughterhound of the Nephrain, that game of course banned in France after, included a section where you had to metamorphose the eponymous Glyverard into a Bavarian sausage and using a special power surge button, making beats a baguette to death.

Thranks of Arvelia, very much in the same mode as that. Also, we review Hammershit versus the f*** pranger. That's pretty self-explanatory. Finally, Helen, the two baddest badasses from the grindwinder franchise of which I know you're a huge fan. Paired in a classic deathmatch, Grotfire, Torture Wrestle, Savage Out for control of the high magmatron. It's been too long. I mean, last year's Hammershit versus Bella, the Butterfly was way too easy. Flutter, Flutter, no fun at all. Sports games, as always, I know, you're big into your sports simulation games, Helen.

Better than the real thing. How dare you say that in my shed. It's very big into the Sega 1992 Olympics game. Where are you? Yeah. But did you have to do in that? You did Olympian events, did herodling. Just a lot of them. Playing some forcing you to play some sports simulation games

when we were children, that's the benefit of being five years older than you. I didn't realise that we're based on a real thing. I knew out this year, Ivo Robson Golf announced a 2017 exciting new game from the retired former European golf tour starter, Ivo Robson, who announced pro golfers to the waiting crowds on the first tee for over 40 years. Exciting game, Miss Helen. Can you announce a golfers country of origin and name in a Scottish accent whilst a giant albatross is trying to peck your eyes out?

Flux of alien eagles are trying to rip your liver out and zombie caddies are swinging at you with a pitching wedge and screaming fake yardages to the green all action. The latest slew of Downton Abbey spin off games are out this week as well. Mrs Hughes' pin of four hell and mild flirtation with Lady Mary those should be big sellers. And Butler mutiny four, subtitled Make Your Own Fucking Teeshmuck. And best of all, Michael, don't worry, this section of the minute is very nearly ended. Best of all, and I think you've been playing this this week,

I'm making a verse of full review, Michael Goves' Farm Yard Referendum. Can you talk the turkeys into voting for Christmas? Can you convince the cows that beef is best? Can you persuade the pigs to back their own bacon? Can you chive the chickens into nominating their own nuggets for nullification? Can you just one more? Can you shame the sheep into legislating against lambs? Farmyard referendum tests your powers of political persuasion,

as you tried to hoodwink the herds and flummox the flocks, into voting against their own best interests. Personally endorsed, by Michael Gove, the former alleged education and justice secretary, official savior of all the Britannians and part-time emissary of BLCBub, that's of course is the latest offering from EA politics. There is a lot of horse shit in that game. Goal of quite literally. Yeah. Approximately enough. That section, that section regrettably in the pin. Top story this week. No Donald. You are not getting first dibs this week. You've had your turn. It's someone else's go.

Helen. Top story. The evolution of all life. You are not getting first dibs this week. You've had your turn, it's someone else's go. Helen. Top story, the evolution of all life. Which ironically is something that Donald Trump wants to stop. Anyway, there's some great stories in terms of where life on earth is going this week. Yeah, if you're a Retromaniac, then you'll be excited at the latest comeback of something that had fallen out of style, the woolly mammoth.

Oh, awesome. Yeah, a Harvard team of scientists say that they reckon in a couple of years' time, they may have been able to create a hybrid of the Asian elephant, the woolly mammoth's closest living relative and a woolly mammoth, the mammoth ant. The mammoth ant? Yeah. That was my wrestling name. So this is, I mean, obviously, when it comes to evolution, the jury is still very much out on

whether evolution has, on balance, been good or bad for this planet. On the plus side, it's made the planet much more famous than it used to be before there was life. On the minus side, it's been quite bad for the environment because species breathe out and then we develop cars. So, you know, I don't know if it's been good or bad, but it's a bit odd, isn't it, to bring back something rather than look after the stuff that's already there? You could say that, Andy, but I think the reason why they want to bring back the mammoth is so that they can make them extinct again

with climate change. All right, double whammy. Because the first time no one was there to see it. Well, a few people were there, but those early mankind just went on their way, didn't really. Yeah, we want to get satisfaction out of extinctifying other species, because we are locked in this evolutionary race.

Yeah, you don't want to waste that Instagramable moment. Particularly not on awesome species like the mammoth. I've read this headline that we could have woolly mammoth roaming the countryside again within two years, great big, shaggy, tusk-wielding, proboscis-waggling, hipster elephants, galomphiating all over the place,

even by the time of the next cricket-wilk uphelen, that shows how soon it is within two years. But these are harvied boffins. Boffins. There's always boffins. We're in the middle. They have a collection of boffins. They have a bloody scientist with their research and experiments. Well, the reckon they could have an embryo in two years time. I don't know how long it takes a woolly mammoth to reach maturity

and be able to go on fall over the place. it takes a woolly mammoth to reach maturity and be able to go on fall over the place. But have you been to the Lebrilla Tarpits in Los Angeles? I have not. No, it's a... Lebrilla Tarpits are actually played for the Los Angeles Dodgers in the 1960s. It is an ancient pond of tar and they have some fairly well-preserved mammoths that wandered in and then got stuck and died because once you're in the tar, you're not getting out of the tar. And then what

they also have, um, that sounds like you're one of the threat from your mafia days, I look, once you're in the tar, you're not getting out of the tar. But they also have about 5,000 bones from wolf dicks because wolves would see the mammoths stuck in the tar. leaping that to well they were going to eat them but also possibly and then they also stuck in the tar. Tiny mammoths sticking out of that tar. Oh yeah.

So maybe this will make wolf dick bones great again. That is a tough subject Wolf Dick bones great again. That is a tough subject, so make America great again. Welfth Dick bones, CNN Newsreader, who Trump has a bit of a beef with at the moment, of course. I've seen a lot of conspiracy theories going around about what the government is up to in America, but none of them have mentioned this. So this is an exclusive scoop. Right, the Wolf Dick bones or the mammoths? The Wolf dick bones. Right.

I'm concerned about this. To me, it seems a surefire stepping stone these boffins and the laboratory messing around with mammoths, perm, whatever they're doing. It is a surefire stepping stone to everyone having to swerve their cars all over the place on motorways because a f***ing mammoth has wandered on to it. And the mammoth will be thinking, oh well it shouldn't used to be here and my granny was around, this place has really changed. What do you mean honk, you don't scare me,

we used to wrestle stegosaurus, I think. So, um, yeah, we are an identity. I mean it's going to be confusing, isn't it? It's a few of the mammoths who self-identify. Was mixed species? Mixed species, but I mean you sell them on mammoth. But what does that mean now? I don't mean mammoths of 5,000 years. So they're also going to have to reconfigure. The mammoth. So it's all identity politics now, isn't it?

Even if you're a woolly mammoth. A woolly mammoth hybrid elephant embryo. More pressingly Andy, where are you going to live, given that you favor ice age style habitats, and the world is quite warm. So, my record? Yes.

What about air conditions more than Dubai? Yeah, I mean, that's, to be honest, I'm quite surprised that you do not have already animatronic mammoths and dinosaurs in those mulls in Dubai. And the grounds that they've basically got everything else, they've got an ice hockey rink there. Really? Yes, I think I've talked about this before on the build. I know that ice hockey rink in the shopping mall in Dubai. I'm not going to adore that. You know what exactly?

Dubai shows that anything can be done no matter how pointless. There can be miracles if you believe. No matter how many slaves have to die in the process. So, yeah, work for the pyramids. Why change it when you fall? So... Oh! Anyway, the Professor George Church involved in this project to bring back the lethal flesh-eating mammoth from the day. He's the Dicky Attenborough of this Department of Buffins, right? He said, oh, I'm just, as you say, to create a hybrid of mammoth, elephant mammoth embryo. Actually, it would be more like an elephant with a number and mammoth, elephant mammoth embryo. Actually, it would be more like an elephant with a number of mammoth traits.

We're not there yet, but it could happen in a couple, and I was, it gets less and less exciting, you know, the, it's basically an elephant with a number of mammoth traits. What you're going to do is dress up an elephant in a Viking outfit. That is not science, Ellen. That is some kind of bizarre, rhodyard-kippling theme Safari Park stagdoo gone too far.

That sounds alright. A rhodod-kippling theme safari park stagdoo gone too far. That sounds alright. A rhodod-kippling theme stacked too gone too far. That is an untapped economic market. Well maybe it's been tapped as much as it's ever going to be tapped. But basically these are going to be elephants that are a bit hairier and have slightly smaller ears and more subcutaneous fat. Yeah. Well I've often, so many times I've been looking at my elephant and thinking, oh, I'll talk a bit.

I'll talk a bit quite a lot of you, but you can do it with more subcutaneous fat. Yeah. That's when the elephant's great flaws as a species to me. It's something your body's showing the elephant. LAUGHTER Someone's got to tell him how it is, Helen. I'm joining the outr right and taking down the elephant. They're just not beach body ready.

They're not tarp it body ready first. They will be once they've started to death in the tarp it. They've been eaten by a wolf. They must have been a baseball player called Randy Wolfe. Randy Wolfe born August 22nd, 1976, age 40, major league baseball pitcher, that it left through left. I knew that name rang about. I thought you were vulceting. But it's real. What if all the rest of it is real? Play for the Phillies, the Dodgers, the San Diego Padres, Detroit Tigers.

New York Forks, all the classics. Ha ha ha. Let's move on. To the future of humans. Is it bleak? Well, you say bleak, but Elon Musk. Very much the 21st century Jesus Christ. He has stated that we will have to become cyborgs if we

are to survive and thrive in a future dominated by artificial intelligence. I mean, I'm worried about this. I can barely get dressed unassisted. And I'm going to have to put a lot of fully functioning robots through every morning and why myself are coming. You're not going to be able to compete in a world where things are expected to be useful. Zing, that has been bubbling up for 36 years. I'm not sure, I'm not sure, I'm not sure, I'm not sure. I'm not sure, I'm not sure. Let's have a multiple choice quiz, shall we?

What? Who or what is a cyborg? Is it a, an ancient port city in Denmark, famous for being a hometown of Viking King Eric the disoriented, who although a fearsome warrior never managed to get his fleet out of the harbor and at one point rammed six successive ships directly into his next door neighbor's house. Is a cyborg B, a late 1970s animatronic robot tennis player, developed to be able to perfect the defensive baseline game and appeal to the ladies, the S-I-bit of course, that for simulated intelligence, so you had the SI

view on SI view. When you laugh in the middle of a lie, it seems more like a lie. And it's the one thing that's keeping me away from top level politics. It's a cyborg, short for cyber-ethic organisation, that's the leisure and entertainment arm of the Bilderberg group, or is it a being with both organic and biomechatronic body parts. I'll go tennis player. Right, correct. It's well in fact, it's both B and D. Yeah, you know the Greek chybernet from which cyborg comes, meant a helmsman or steersman.

So it should mean that you get it steering things. Right. What Elon Musk is steering us towards, and I kind of... Space hyper loops and now this. Yeah. I think you technically are a cyborg already if you've got something like a pacemaker. Oh, right.

I think maybe our mother is a cyborg because she has two artificial hips. Oh, awesome. So she's... So she's already highly evolved. What does your mom do? Doesn't matter, she's a cyborg. It seems that Elon Musk's attitude is if you can't beat them, join them.

And basically, you're going to make blenders. Oh, don't invent them, I guess. Yeah, I'm not that worried yet. I used to live in a flat with smart windows, skylights that were meant to be so highly evolved. They could close when it rained. And instead, they were closed during bright sunshine, open and shut themselves at random, and occasion got really distressed

if there was a pigeon in there. So they can have human traits usually. I'm very much the same with pigeons. But once the sky lights and other machines become more intelligent than humans, I think we kind of deserve to f*** off and let them have it. Fine with it.

Let them have it. It***ing with it. I'm not going to say it. Let them have it. It's a dangerous phrase to use. It can be interpreted in a number of different ways. As British legal history would testify. Elon Musk, poor, poor, poor, poor Seaborg. Is it true that he was born of the anal gland of a civet? I believe of the Elon civet. Yes. Yes. There's a very the rarest form of civet. But you can get a knockoff at the body shop. There's almost as good. It's on its website. He also said there will

be fewer and fewer jobs that a robot can't do better. He said this is the world government summit and that's what President of America for one. I think we've crossed that boundary already Elon. Satire! That is that. Well you say satire. I mean, you're safe. You're not going to be taken over by the robot. My podcasting is a very human profession.

Yeah, you could probably program Siri to do my job. Right, well I'm in fact I'm already developing my own automated satire robot. I've got it here let's let's give it a go. Government. Nice things for everyone. Hooray. There you go it's nearly there. Sophisticated stuff. Very nearly there. That's pretty mod on a level with some of the stuff you've been coming out with since Trump came into power. Let's come down in the morning for breakfast and you'll be going, Trump, he's a f***er. That's warming up for my evening gig, Helen.

Really clever, Andy. Well, I have to be satirical at breakfast. Yeah. 24-7. Need you now more than ever. You're so said, Musk. If humans want to continue to add value to the economy, which, after all, is what we will put on Earth to do as a species. That is our calling to add value to the economy.

He said, they must augment their capabilities through a merger of biological intelligence and machine intelligence, basically a non-horny version of Tinder. That's what he's describing there. And if you fail to do this, Will Risp becoming house cats to artificial intelligence? House cats have an amazing life. Exactly. I would take that. Absolutely. You would take being a house cat. That sounds a sweet deal. As long as the artificial intelligence is

give us a bowl of milk in the morning and let us lounge around on the sofa. Yeah, cats are useless and they're also very arrogant about their own importance. So I think most humans will fit in perfectly. She's speaking truth to power. I think probably most most straight white men certainly are already right there. What? I'm sitting right here. to prove quite how much we do, we kind of trusted to evalute ourselves. The police in Iceland have had trouble with arresting drivers who they thought were drunk, but it turned out we're just driving erratically because they were looking at the northern lights. Drunk on natural beauty. Well exactly, this is, I mean there's some, this could be quite exciting in some ways. The health implications, if you can just get replicates drunkenness by through the wonders of nature. I mean, stagdows are going to be completely different.

You know, we got absolutely smashed. You should have seen Mickey, he was off his nuts on the beautiful Peacoste a robber mountain range in northern Spain. He looked awful at breakfast, he'd gone back to sleep it off, and buried in a bad way. He watched the sunset in the Masai Mara in Kenya and spent the next two hours of vomiting into a bin before passing out on a bench and waking up in a police cell. It's going to be very different. Very, very different indeed. But if it being distracted by natural beauty causes crashes, does that mean there has never been a car crash in the Russian city of Nvozibirsk? No tourist in one of the ugliest cities now do humanity?

But then if you have a big fan of brutalism rather than magnetic light twiddles, then maybe that's for you, takes all sorts. The president of Iceland did something quite great this week on a school's visit. He said he would pass a ban on pineapple as a peeta topping if he had the power to pass laws on his own. I am strongly agree. Yeah. And with that totalitarian anti-pineapple plan of his. Well, I shouldn't have had some quite. I mean, there's no matter three names you're allowed to legally use for children in Iceland. If they do that, they're going to take pineapple off peaches as a nation. Yeah, it's not a naturally pineapple-growing

region to be honest, and maybe this is not that easy to properly... How can you say that about the Iceland? If they want to grow pineapple, let them grow pineapple. Yeah, but they can't. Can't or won't. Also can't. Okay, there's just technology and nature clashing here. When it wasn't a problem before cars when the Icelandings were all waddling to work on penguins There wasn't it wasn't an issue. What Helen? It is what caused car what what distracted you when you smash mom's car into a ballad in sunbridge Wells I was distracted by the fact that the clutch on her car didn't work after you'd crashed it into a church wall several years earlier Well, yeah, but I crashed it into a church wall for a good reason that we are Jewish. And you know, it's, you know, the small bit I could do to balance the wrongs of history.

But I mean, we've just tried to buy the aurora, tumbridge, will, the ensist, what Queen Victoria used to go down there to watch, I I think I saw Jesus in that ballad that's that's a country music song my husband and I got a speeding ticket in Iceland in 2014 because we were trying to see a lot of glaciers in a day so it is dangerous on the roads in Iceland due to the you're the only Bruce thing all the injustice of being given a speeding ticket for looking at glassiers. It's going to dominate your life. Did precipitate my slide into addiction. On a similar line, in the Netherlands, they've started putting lights on the pavement

at road crossings, like reds and green, light at road and greens. Yes, trips of LEDs. For people who are too busy looking at their phones to check the actual traffic lights or look at the traffic. What's more interesting, a phone or traffic to look at? What's Apple traffic? Pokemon Go or traffic. You can see why this happens. And yeah, so the lights in the ground will change colour when the traffic lights change colour. Maybe also this is for people who are naturally morose and are staring at the ground a lot. Oh, I haven't thought of it on that point of view. What, so it will be green to just like

try and cheer people up. No, you're looking, you're looking slumped down at the ground and the light... Well, the problem is you've got pedestrians looking at the apps telling them where all the cars are and then you've got drivers distracted because they're tracking up pedestrians on Google anti-prang. It's going to be, you know, it's... I also, this is one of the iPhone Darwin we are shitting in his mashed potatoes. I mean, this is basically allowing the survival of the inattentive, which goes against pretty much everything he stood for. Yeah, well, her spokesman of the Dutch Traffic Safety Association did say that this is rewarding bad behaviour. So that person and Darwin very much on the same page. Very much like the American electoral system.

It's good to have a distracting light in transit section on the bugle this week. Yeah. Well, maybe Iceland could learn from the Netherlands and have like a special Batman style laser beam to aim at the sky and project the words, look at the road you're fucking numbskill. Why don't both countries just put the light to eye level? And then it... We'll put the Northern lights to move.

Yeah, get the Northern lights to move. What can't we achieve nowadays, if we put our minds to it, Andy? Or can I interlink the lights so that they do or don't come on to protect these pedestrians, depending on what people are looking at on their phones. So if, for example, they're looking at something on bright parts, it's just not just them into the oncoming traffic.

That would work, wouldn't it? It's a just dangerous precedent that I think a lot of people would support. Brexit, food naming news now, and Europe is in absolute terror at the implications of Brexit Helen after suggestions that there could be an influx of British champagne once we're out of the European Union and able to call our food what we want to call it regardless of whether or not that's what it is. But do you think we would want to call it champagne a foreign word or something British, like fizzy booze? Right.

Yeah, well, we've got a great tradition in this country of naming food to seem like something it isn't. For example, sweet breads. Oh, that sounds lovely. Oh, what the fuck is that on my plate? Is that a pancreas? I'm sick of this. I'm going to the North American restaurant next door

to have the Rocky Mountain oysters. I love seafood. Have you ever had a Rocky Mountain oyster? I haven't. Because that is... That's the testicle, isn't it? A fried testicle, essentially. Mm. Yeah.

I've never seen them served, to be honest, and have been to the Rocky Mountains. Right. They haven't mentioned this. Is it one of the things that only exists on the internet? British wine, of course. Increasingly well regarded. Yeah, well because of climate change, we can make more of it because it's warm enough for the grapes not to die of frostbite. Take that, you skipped six out there not so long ago British wine was Well, it was beer It was tea, but it does suggest that I mean, I'm gonna change my vote based on this world

This is very exciting. I think and we can read we've got a British exports Is we can just label stuff just make it seem nicer than it is? We're gonna earn a huge. I'm if we can just rebrand stuff, just make it seem nicer than it is. We're going to earn a huge amount. I'm if we can just rebrand economy supermarket process cheese slices as Parmigiano, Regiano, Vintagio, Matiara, Arto, Percento, Ani and Magico Buckito. And rebrand, British Spam, as Camon and Beraco, they're a bit a lot about the negro, no, no, no, no, no. Then we're all going to become the world's leading exporter of foods. Yeah, some we spread for growth. Why not?

become the world's leading exporter of food. Yeah, some we spread for growth. Why not? In other breaks, it news today, Helen, perhaps the final nail in the coffin of the Remain cause. It's all over in your remaining hope, anyone had that we might stay in the EU, that's we might somehow turn the refrainer into the best of three or best of five or best of seven or best of nine or whatever it takes. And that final nail is that Tony Blair has said it is his mission

to persuade Britain to rise up and change their minds on Brexit. Now, the latest opinion poll says there is now a 99.8% vote in favor of Brexit. That's the power of Blair these days. Former Tory leader Ian Duncan Smith said the comments were arrogant and undemocratic, which is like Roger Federer telling you you've got a sweet backhand. That is coming right from the top of the chair.

Blair also urged us to take a way out from the present rush over the cliff's edge, to which the Brexit tears responses, Felma and Louise is a happy ending. There we go. Well, you don't know what happens to them, just because it looks like they might be on their way to the netherworld. The sequel where that alien spaceship swoops down and catches them. They just made a sequel where it was Vultures pecking their corpses for two hours. Bit arty.

The kind of French art house style. Did it in one shot, though? Did it in one shot, though? In related news, this is a story that sounds upsetting at the Star Andy. A Nottinghamshire man, Stephen Mariett, was one day trying to pour out some brand flakes for his nine-year-old son, Oscar's breakfast, and no brand flakes came out the box. No brand flakes, exit, no Brexit. So he went to investigate the absence of Brexit and found that it was not down to some complex legislation

that they couldn't possibly enact. The box was blocked by one massive brown flake, 14 by 10 centimeters, closely followed by a seven by four centimeter brown plate. But there's no glory being the second biggest brown plate in the box. Did this massive brown plate have the face of Ken Clark imprinted on it? Not. Strongly implied.

More like, I don't know, a skin condition Ken Clark might have. And Stephen Marrett has not eaten the brown plate. I think he is too busy worshipping it now. Yes, well that's under some and it shows it was just 14 by 10 centimeters. Yeah, that is huge for a brown flake. For any bread for cereal. I mean it shows what we can achieve. What we'll be able to achieve is an independent nation. If we can produce 140 square centimeters of cereal flake while still in the EU, Imagine how enormous our series are going to be, well, no longer tied down by brussels, stipulating that the maximum size of a cornflake is 4.1327 square centimeters, and that the wheat and bictures can't weigh more than the average Portuguese

goats left ventricle. We're going to have brand flakes the size of surfboard, Alan. You can surf your mammoth on a brand flake in few. Once we're out of Europe, this is a new utopia we've voted for. After this modern-day miracle of God-given giant brand flake, surely a sign from the Almighty that's about to send his second biggest brand flake right out of the box. And he gets to, he whacked it on Ebay was hoping to get a thousand pounds for it. Might be slightly over his money there. How much is the box of brand flakes? Three quid?

I don't know. It takes some of the charm out of the story. Also, taking charm out of the story, he's called Steve Marriott, which is the name of my favourite singer of all time from small faces and subsequently Humble Pie. Are you sure it's not the same Steve Marriott? No, he's sadly died in the house fire about 25 years ago. When people look up Steve Murray on the internet, they're now going to find a story about

a man trying to profit from an unusually large small thing. Well, he did achieve more than the music of a man whose lungs could have cracked the moon in half. That seems like a lot of money. Big brownflake bands. That's £1000. Big and brownflake music or a very, very big brownflake. Do you think it's overpriced?

Yeah, well, if you calculate the price of a brownflake per square centimetre, then I think it is a betting-bottom. Two of the things that goes up exponentially. Evidently. Where's my footballers, isn't it? I mean, it's not, you know, a million percent difference between Wayne Rooney and somebody who plays with his local club side. But, you know, to get to the very top, you've got to pay them that much more, maybe it's the same

with brown flakes. Maybe. The thing is, if you bought it for £1,000 on eBay, expecting to get the biggest brown fleet, and then it snapped in the post. Oh, God. The value is just vanish. Also, if Van Gogh's sunflowers were 30 million quid and they weren't even real, surely this has to be worth more than that, an actual brand-flaid rather than a picture of some non-existent sunflowers. What about if you painted a sunflower on the brand plate because there's the run? Yeah, there is the run. There are not many blanflaid because you could paint a, you know, roughly life-sized sunflower on. Imagine if this was a large piece of a cereal

that actually tasted nice. Well, exactly. Five grand. For Cheerio, the size of a rubber ring that a child could swim in. For those of you who are running with brown flakes, they're on the most exciting cereal. Essentially, like, psoriasis in a box. Ah. most exciting serial. Essentially like a psoriasis in a box. That was the, that was the B site to Sting's message in a bottle.

Now it's time for the return of... The trumpet. In which we chronicle the thrumelings of the presidency of Donald Trump. The Trump relations have been out of the show for a few weeks on the ground, that it has become the show. But I'm determined to squeeze it back into a controllable sized audio box. You're a hero. Thank you. And I believe other comedic outlets are covering much of Trump's story and doing this. Nothing, nothing. So he's...

Me very little in there. His, um... I know John Oliver was back on... Back on last week's blitter. And then he's... He just did... I just did an hour and a half about Marjorine. The difference between Marjorine and Butter.

That's bullshit. Yeah, so I mean, he had this bizarre press conference yesterday. He's 77 minute. I mean, it looked like there was, he just, someone had not screwed his brain back in properly. Like, he's got a Westworld, I think. It was a bit like the political speech equivalent of scat singing.

Ha ha ha ha. I've said about, I'm not comfortable with politics being rift. It just seems wrong. Erring the week, he was on similarly riffy form when chatting with Benny Netanyahu is a big buddy from Israel about, any major was saying two state solution, one state solution. That's called off a date. One thing to go for one and a half states. I have a problem with this term, one state solution because it's not a solution, is it?

I mean, that's, that is a solution in the way that finding the corpse of an unidentified man in your living room and then solving that problem by rolling it under your sofa. That's, is that level of solution. Do they mean solution like when you pour salt into water and it becomes salty water and dust the salt is basically obliterated as a substance in its own right? Yes.

I mean that as Palestinians of the salt. Oh thanks very much for clarifying that. Yeah, and also tears. Right. Yeah. Do you think he knows what, even what country it's referring to? Not sure actually. Um, yeah, I don't know if he'd have heard of it. I remember some years ago you had a better solution for the problems of Israel.

Which was what? Build a second floor. Build a dinner. Yeah. Because I've been my early standup. I can't remember. Yeah. Second floor. I think it's more and more workable. It's been a bungalow for too long. I look all the trouble that's called. I remember John I did a thing in radio series and very early, so I think dragging the whole Middle East to Antarctica to cool it down, that might help. It won't help Antarctica to not melt. Otherwise great. I said about three weeks ago I needed a week, and I've had no weeks off from...

Why? If only he could think of your wellbeing. And just... He's very inconsiderate about how stressful it is for comedians trying to write material that is at least very slightly different than material everyone else is writing. Yeah, you're the ones that are really suffering.

You're suffering a lot of. There's a lot of campaigning for people affected by the travel bands and for women's health and stuff but this is what people should be with. Where are the protests? You can see the fear and the fatigue in my eyes, Helen. I can see the fatigue in your eyes but that's because you watch sport in the night. No one knew that. Everyone knew that. He probably listened to the show for 10 years, didn't you? Everyone knew that. Your emails, here's one from UB Butt, who says, yes, that is my tragically real name. It's a lovely name, UB Butt. Don't be ashamed. Is UB doing that for his short funny thing? Do we know?

I mean, it'll be on to shorten something to you be if your surname was but. Why? Well, why would it be odd? What could possibly be odd when your surname's but like no one really cares about the first part of your name? I think you'd be but of all people would know this. You be says, Andy, I know you're not exactly the most shall we say orthodox Jewish person, but. I like to come a little it from a different angle. But perhaps you could be tempted back into the faith by this, a festive bag of plagues. This be a bit of Passover merch, I assume,

because Jews aren't naturally attracted by plagues just any all day of the year. Ubisoft says each one comes with a little rubber representative of the 10 plagues of Egypt, including a fake fly to represent flies, an eye patch to simulate darkness, and boils, symbolised herein by a pink glittery bouncy ball. It's time to put the pestilence back into pay sack. I went to a pass over last year for the first time since 1987, and they had plague, finger

puppets and masks. So everyone got to dress as a different plague. It was magnificent. Where was that when we were kids? I might have stayed in the faith. Yes, stayed in. I might have given it a shot. I mean, I started getting a little bit skeptical

about the faith at the age of eight days old for fairly obvious reasons. But, I mean, this is quite spectacular. I guess it's good to introduce children to the concept of the wrath of God in an entertaining and accessible fashion. Yeah, just sweetens the pill, doesn't it? And also, then they've got three marbles and a bouncy ball, so that's useful. Yeah.

This email came in and we had some excellent emails in this week because the hell on that I've banged on for so long we're going to save most of them for next week. Do keep them coming into hellobueglesatthebueglepodcast.com. This came in from Richard. Hello Andy, I enjoyed your Trump themed two-blue cryptic crossword in the Buegle a few weeks back. It seems that Donald Trump offers quite a few possible avenues for cruciaverbal consummally. Blimey. Obviously, you were coming on the show, fancy words. My submission is this, no backtracking as Dickhead is embraced by alt-rights flinging shit around six comma five.

So, yeah, that works, I think. I assume no explanation is required with a smiley face, keep up the good work. So, yeah, if you've got any cryptic crossword clues for Donald Trump, keep them flooding in. Well, bright, I'm sure, bright bar, you could get some real absolute gold out of. But they don't have any black squares in the bright bar, you're very naughty. You're part of the media and that makes you naughty. Keep those emails coming into HelloBugles at theBuglePodcast.com. Just time for a very quick sports section and hell enough kept it short because I know you're not massively into sport because you are a failure as a human being. But we are getting to the business end of the season in the Tic Tacac toe major leagues in America. They were leading Noughtsen Crosses' competition,

of course. And we have the latest scores from this week's Round of Matches, the Nantucket Nine Squares, NIL, Tulsa Tic-Tackers, NIL. Miami Grid, NIL, Nashville Nauticals, NIL. Sacramento, Triple T's, NIL, Montreal Exos, NIL. Houston 3x3's NIL, Colorado, Chris Crosses, NIL. And finally, Honolulu, Lynamups, NIL, Louisville, Lunatics, NIL. And like them, we have all this too. Another valuable away point for the Hawaiians there. The new one points for a draw system really benefiting this season. Current standings after 72 rounds of the season. All teams currently on 72 points. Thanks very much for listening, Vuegler. It's been a pleasure talking to you. Hell, I think you're back on in March.

Some time, right? Great. Yes. It would be nice to come out the attic again next month. If you allowed out and fed sometime in the hot. Oh, I found half a wall nut in my pocket. Do listen to Hell and Zwanful Ill illusionist podcast and have you ever heard it? And answer me this. I haven't even heard my own podcast for about five years. And go, yeah, come and see my my tour shows, which next week are in Nottingham, Walther Hampton and Southampton, all details at AndyJeltsman.co.uk website of the year, I believe, in the International website awards. I'll see you all at all of those gigs, Muaglers. Until next time, goodbye. Bye! you