The Bugle - Bugle 4020 – Gender War

Episode Date: March 11, 2017

With International Women's Day fresh in our minds, Andy and Helen decide to settle the battle of the sexes once and for all. Also, why can't same sex couples commit adultery, how did Russia break infinity and why has the news gone (literally) down a rabbit hole? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,020 of the bugle. Yes, that is right, 4,020 episodes of Raw.

Pure, unadulterated truth telling in this weekly show in just 9 years and 5 months. More than one a day, if you include all the episodes between 293 and 4,011 that we did not record. And this is for the week beginning Monday the 13th of March 2017 and joining me live in London here in the Shed of Destiny, all the way from A upstairs in my house and B from the same womb I used to live in back in the day, though we weren't there at the same time. It's the woman who puts the sister into syntax, etymologist and grab her, the scribbling, sibling herself.

Helen Zoltzmann. Hello, Andy. Hello. Hi. Did they decorate our womb much like your attic is decorated? There are a lot of maps stuck to the walls to cover plasticity of damp. You can't watch this of damp.

It's to educate, we put them up there to educate you and Martin. this, it's to educate, we put them up there to educate you and martin. Well I appreciate it. I feel a lot more knowledgeable about the layout of the Arctic. Good. Although that is rapidly changing so we're going to have to update the ceiling. Quite out of date, yeah.

Just imagine a giant teardrop from the children of the future. Oh the present. I'll get your children to crown it. Well that's quite easy, all you need to do is to beat them at some kind of game or sport. I think to work. That is why sport is bad. That brings out the worst in people.

So sport is good. Worst in people. Trains you up to deal with the inevitable disappointment and failures of life. Well evidently it hasn't. Given how much sport they've absorbed since birth and they're still absolute dicks when someone else was working out for me. Sport has failed. That's because that's because they have a bad aunt. It's not the kind of conversation we should be recording and broadcasting. Not as bad as our aunt. This is bugle 4,020th episode back meaning episode back, meaning it is episode 313 in total, 313 Helen, is the number plates on Donald Duck's car. That's number 313 also. Frame 313 of the Zaproot

or Film shows the moment of impact for the bullet that killed JFK. Join the Dodge people, join those dots. Jeff Yule doesn't know still being, so it's staring you in the face. Wake up, people. The risk of causing a rewrite for the first part of today's show. You said we only did 293 vehicles on the start. All right. We did on a 94. Yeah, five.

Oh, that's it. Oh, is it? Oh, well, it's. So what you could do now is just disown those pre, those last two vehicles to make the jacks stand. Okay. Well, yeah, I mean, maybe some of them weren't absolutely fully after muster. They were non-comical. Looking, yes, looking back.

Thank you, good word, Helen. Yeah. So we are recording on Friday the 10th of March, on this day in the year 2000, a NASDAQ composite stock market index peeked at Helen. How can you not know that? 6 out of 10. 5,132.5 to signalling the beginning of the end of the dot-com boom.

And on this anniversary, we ask, what ever happens in the internet? It used to be all the rage, will it ever make a comeback? Why haven't a Google? And why 30 volume encyclopedias will never go out of fashion. And we look back at some of the most overvalued text docs at the time of the peak of the dot-com boom, including did you steal my pencil dot-com?

And enabling people to find the pencils they lost at school. Pair socks for spare socks, people could upload pictures of odd socks that they had and if someone else had a similar odd sock, they could argue over who got to have both of them. And passengers reunited, putting people back in touch with strangers, they sat next to one train in previous years.

And on the 11th of March, in the year 200, I've just got a lot of anniversaries this week, the 11th of March, 222, the Emperor Ella Gabalus was assassinated, along with his mother, in, basically, in Toilet. Then their mutilated bodies were dragged through the streets of Rome and thrown in the river. Can you believe, Helen? That is 1,905 years ago. He was assassinated at the age of 18, Ella Gabalus, having already been an emperor of Rome for four years, married five women and two men, prompted rebellion in the Roman army,

devalued the currency, become a high priest of a new religion, worked as a transvestite prostitute, drowned his denigest on a special water wheel, and yet being slain with his mother and lobbed into the river Tyber. He packed more into his short lives than many of us will ever achieve.

Does make me think, in a who had the more exciting teenage-Nage years, it is Elegabalus I and his ultimate nil. There were just fewer opportunities in Tom Ridge Wells to devalue a currency and marry some people. I read more cricket books than him as a T-Nage. That is true. So maybe one all. Also on the 11th of March in 1702, England's first national daily newspaper was published

for the first time, the daily courant. I don't know if I've pronounced that right, but Helen? Well, who's going to know? COU, R-A-N-T, you're the absolute wizard of words. You tell me. I thought you did quite a good job. Thank you. I have a copy over here.

In fact, some interesting stories. Queen Anne, the first three days, exclusive supplement on the new monarch, how to look like Queen Anne in five easy steps. And Queen Anne looks at a thing, exclusive pictures, pages three to seventeen. So British tabloids haven't really moved on very much. Did Queen Anne get her post-baby body back? What? After seventeen pregnancies.

That's the question. Yes, that's a pretty dark historical hole to go down. As always, a section of this August audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. This week, on the 141st anniversary of the first successful test of a telephone made by Alexander Graham Bell with his first ever call he put in an order for a 15 inch meat feast with extra pineapple

and some spicy chicken wings. He invented it of course after his mother Mrs Bell complained Alexander Graham you never call. Why did you never call? Alexander Graham Bell. How am I supposed to call you? I don't have a phone. She's all you've sought that out. Anyway, to commemorate this historic techno breakthrough, just 141 years ago. We are giving away absolutely free half of a telephone conversation with the host of the bugle and exultman. You just have to fill in the gaps marked with this noise with whatever chit chat conflabel knitted at a UC fit. Here you go. Hello Zoltz, the Turecorp International and he's speaking. Sorry I didn't catch that.

didn't catch that. Yep, I'm listening. No, not really my thing. Look, exactly what is this about? I find that kind of talk offensive. How did you get this number? No, I'm married. Who? Oh, I'm afraid he doesn't do the show anymore. New York last I heard doingy or something. Yes, it is an unexpectedly massive tattoo, but he loved being involved in those two films and blue really suits him. Bye then. Oh yes, yeah Melbourne from the 30th of March, the 23rd of April, Sydney from the 24th to the 27th, then Auckland from the 29th, on the 28th and Wellington on the 1st of May. Yeah, all the details are on my website and exosperation.co.uk. What do you mean you can't make any of them? What do you mean you don't live in that hemisphere?

Fucking time wasted. Top Story Today International Women's Day. IMDB has added an F rating so that you can see whether a film has any of the following female director, female writer or featuring significant women on screen in their own rights. So, if those are the films you want to see, you can check on IMDB by that tag. There are over 22,000 films already tagged with it. Out of how many films? F***ing loads. Probably that is about 2% of films. And then when you search for that tag,

it comes up with the films that have been tagged for female frontal nudity, lesbian kiss, suicide, blood, crying, and adultery. So I guess it is backfired a bit as a good way of finding films in which women are having a shit time. Also, bare-chested male comes up, so better like release. Do you have other letters? Do you have a lot of Jay for... The P for patriarchy? Jay for... For... Do you know how to have a Jewish influenced film?

And that's all films obviously, because we run showbiz, Helen. We run showbiz. Thank you Moses for getting God to tank that onto the promised land contract. We run showbiz, that is why there are no Gentiles on this week's view goal. Moses would have a reality show who feels around now. He'd probably have a wildlife show, isn't he? Because he had a little incident on the river. Did he get eaten by crocodiles?

A baby? I can't remember. Is this going to affect the way that people watch films? Do you think the new F rating? Maybe men will be like, I'm not watching that, it's got women in it. They might be empowered. What then? Right. I personally don't watch any film that does not include an exactly equal number of everyone on the basis of gender, race, religion, sexuality, football team, heights, degree of veganism, and political orientation. Not as a point of principle, just because I have children,

therefore I no longer go to the cinema or at all, or indeed anywhere else. You only watch cricket, so I suppose there's an equal number in that there are 11 people put in. Yes, so it's very strongly equal, equal, equal, liberal. Yeah, in that only.

Yes. Now, you highlighted me this week. A very exciting gender flip film remake. Yes. People were excited about Splash, getting a gender flip remake. People were furious about Ghostbusters getting one. That's the world we live in.

And now, Andy... Saving private Ryan. LAUGHTER The passion of the Christ. That is just every day for us in your society. No, the 1987 classic overboard. So now, Goldie Horn,

will be played by a man and Anna Faris will play the Kurt Russell part. I don't know if you remember overboard Andy. I remember it was one of the first films I ever saw on a plane when we were going to visit our relatives in South Africa and so it's pretty much the the best film ever made. However, it does involve Goldie Horn being a rich horrible woman who falls off her yacht, gets amnesia, her husband doesn't love her so he doesn't claim her from the hospital. Kurt Russell is a carpenter who is angry because she hasn't paid him for building her a wardrobe. So he pretends she's his wife takes her to his squallyed home and makes her look after his children. And that is

a romantic comedy in the 80s. So if you gender flip it, you basically get the film misery. Are you sure you're remembering the film not our childhood? Well, our parents didn't find love by building a miniature golf course together. More's the pity. Imagine what they could have done with our garden if they'd put more windmills in it. God, if I had a pound, if every time I've heard someone say that. Having asked to build a miniature golf course. Now every International Women's Day is marked by a heroic quantity of men saying what about international men's day? When will men get their time to shine?

And also people saying come on it's worse in Saudi Arabia therefore you should take your paid disparity and be happy with it. That seems to be another thing that comes up quite a lot on women's day. Yeah we're supposed to shut up because other people have it worse, but men, no thanks. Well, one we suffer on a daily basis with the burden of responsibility for all the millennia of unfairness. We've reflected on the world very difficult. Yeah, luckily though there is an intimate national men's day, you get your day two, rather than 360 for them. And it's 19th of November. I'd rather Richard's birthday. Yes. An international man himself. Well that's why he was born male I think, wasn't it? Almost certainly. As a woman ever been born on the 19th of November? Never.

Not allowed. Just have to stay up there. I was born on Earth Day, which is why I come out covered in turf rather than a call. I don't remember coming out, I didn't see you probably for about five years. Day or two, you'll think you've been moaned by then. So I think, Helen, there's been far too much conflict between the genders over the millennia, over the six or so millennia since God nick that rib up off Adam. And so I think we need to have, like, we need to prove one way or the other which gender is better and all worse by doing working out based on the historical events of Men's Day and Women's Day, which of those two days has done more damage to the planet. All right, I'm ready. Okay, because, well, for a start, let's look at the great things that have happened on

Men's Day, 19th of November, the Gettysburg address. Oh, that's a bad thing, though, because it's just a poignant reminder of a more optimistic time. Well, I mean, you say that, but you know, it's a terrific address. I mean, in terms of keeping it brief. Got four stars on total? Yeah, because the guy before him had done two hours, I think, someone was standing at the back saying, for fuck's sake, get off, we've got Lincoln booked as the headliner. So we had to cram it all down into about 400 words. Four score years and seven years ago our father's brought forth on this continent and a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are creative equal. Yeah, men though. Right. So the other ones. So what have you got for

women's day? On women's day, 1952 Ronald and Nancy Reagan got married. Right. Bet they had a good time. Right. Men's day, coincides with world toilet day. Yeah. Do you see? So many, I don't know if there's any link.

I can't be bothered to make a joke about leaving the seat up. That's just falling back on old stereotypes. I don't care for. See, that's what falling back on old stereotypes. They learned and cared for. See, that's what World Toilet Day gave us. Boring jokes about toilet seats. 1916, Samuel and Goldwyn and Edgar Sell when established Goldwyn Pictures, later part of Metro Goldwyn Maya.

Yeah, the MGM. And look at all the awesome films they produced. Hansel and Gretel Witch hunters, Basic Instinct II, Katzro, Tyland, one of the biggest flops in all time and overboard. Van Wauw, the The Roy's of Tar Shed. So girls. Solar babies. So many things. An uninvolving and derivative dud, which coincidentally I had on my online dating profile.

National Lampoon's movie madness. One review said, leave this one as history is intended, unknown, forgotten and detested by the unfortunate few who've actually seen it. But think of all the happiness those films have given to people Helen because of Men's Day. Yeah but on Men's Day 2004 the worst brawl in NBA history I said the palace. 86 games were suspended for the rest of the season. Right. And in 1984 was the San Juanico disaster. An industrial disaster caused by a massive series of explosions at a liquid petroleum gas tank farm in Mexico.

And it blew up one third of Mexico City's entire liquid petroleum gas supply and killed up to 600 people and burnt nearly 7000 people. And you're blaming that on men? Yep. Well, on women's day. Without men, I don't think would be so gas hungry. On women's day in 1868, there was the Sakai incident in which Japanese samurai killed 11 French sailors in a port of Sakai. So on your woman's head be that. On Women's Day, Queen Anne got in as Queen and she negotiated the union between England and Scotland. Right. And look how well that's going at the moment. At three hundred and okay years. Also on Women's Day, 1495 was the birth date of the

Portuguese Saint John of God, the patron saint of booksellers, the dying, mental health, hospitals and nurses, all good causes. He also died on women's day. Well, that's because they thought saints were born and died on the same day. Oh, he didn't actually do it. It was a tax thing. TTC. And 1931, the birth of the South African Cricketer, Neil Adcock. Well, it's terrific fast-forward, unless underrated fast-forward.

Same thing. Women's day. Women's day. and Cricketer Neil Adcock. Well, it's a terrific fast-bowl. I'm the underrated fast-bowls in the... Women's Day. Women's Day. And his mother was a woman to be fair. Where he was a terrific fast-bowl. Shared a birthday with Gary Newman and Gazcumbs of Supergrass. Also, on Women's Day,

the Spanish Prime Minister Eduardo Dato Herradio was assassinated in 1921, thank you, sisters. And in 1949, Mildred Gillars, also known as Axis Sally, was condemned to prison for treason. She was an American broadcaster, employed by the Third Reich Helen in Nazi Germany to proliferate propaganda during World War II. Oh, if you talk about Nazi Germany and your men's day in 1943, the Nazis liquidated Genofsky concentration camp murdering at least 6,000 Jews after failed uprising and mass escape attempt. Well, thanks for raising the tone of the show. Women's Day, 1963, the bath party comes to power in Syria in a coup d'etat by a clique

of quasi-leftist Syrian army officers, if I may quote the internet. I mean, that, the internet. I mean, that's going well, isn't it? But because of Women's Day, that happened. Everything that's happening in Syria now is because of that in 1963 on Women's Day. But 1658 on Women's Day, the piece of Ross Skilder was declared between Sweden and Denmark and look how those pals are still getting on. Oh, you have got a point on that one.

But on Men's Day, perhaps probably theest one of the high points of human culture and Civilization Pelle the Brazilian football genius scored his 1,000th goal That's he did not Noticed that he did not wait until the 8th of March to do that. He did it on the 19th of November because he's a man But also on men's say in 1824, a storm caused the St Petersburg flood which killed 10,000 people because of men. Because of men.

Well you say that, but then in the 1985 on men's day, Reagan and Gorbachev met for the first time hell-waring the process that brought her ends to the Cold War and the threat of nuclear annihilation. Yeah, maybe women were doing absolutely nothing about. We can't do it if you're already trapped in a bunker of society by men. I mean, don't you see any women in those pictures? Have no work at all. Have no work at all, could Christmas. Party, sausage party.

But also on Wednesday in 1994, in Britain, the first national lottery draw was held, spawning millions of really boring gambling habits. In 1618 on Wemmester, Johannes Kepler discovered the third door of planetary motion, which is the best one because of rule of three as a comedian you'll be familiar with that. Third time for John. What is that law? The square of the orbital period of a planet is proportional to the cube of the semi-major axis of its orbit. Right. I need to discover that on women's day. Yeah. Right. What I mean, why did you think he chose that? It was, it was, it was so inspired by women. By women. He thought I can squeeze

out another law of plant translation. If they can do it. if they can... Yeah, but on the flip side of that, on Women's Day in 1723, Christopher and I, you know, the man who famously made a cathedral with a tit on top. On Men's Day, the Slovenian philosopher Clement Jugg was born, and he made everyone else's name seem boring. We're all suffering because of Clement Jug. Well, Chris, I think you can adjudicate. You want me to adjudicate. Yeah, which day has done more damage. Women's Day 1979, the CD was demonstrated publicly for the first time. Given I was also six months old, I probably also shat myself. With excitement about the CDs and also gender equality.

I'm going to say that the winner is sort of early August. You're a natural born compromise. I'm not getting pulled. That's a natural born compromise. Yeah, I'm not getting poached. That's what the world needs. Right, I think we probably need to bring this historical section. Greek oil tanker prestige splits in half and sinks off the coast of Galicia, releasing over 20 million gallons of oil

in the largest environmental disaster in Spanish and Portuguese history because of men. Right. Men. Don't get as many natural disasters on women's they do. Ha ha ha. Evidently not. Mm-hmm.

Man-made disasters, as they're usually called. Coincidence. Ha ha ha. I think you might have won. Eventually I'll win. Maybe not in my lifetime. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. There's a delightful exchange between two women MPs in this week of Women's Day, Murray Black. Have I pronounced that right? Murray Black. The young SMP member of parliament got into the age of 21, I think, wasn't it? Sony 22 now, it's been in at least a couple of years and doesn't seem to have been totally destroyed by that horrific job. Good for her.

She was in an exchange with conservative minister Caroline Noakes and was seem to mouth the words, you talk shite hen, which is you know traditional parliamentary language but it does write an interesting question of should a handsard record things people mouth or do they spend a lot of time doing wanker gestures in parliament I bet they do well I don't know it's film they probably can't get away with it as much but imagine that was all the rage in the 1940s and 50s, isn't it? Jeremy Corbyn during the budget this week, if there was a facial expression in Hansard, particularly when Philip Hammond made that joke about him being so far in a black hole that Stephen Hawking had disowned him, there's a kind of political joke that caused uproar on the conservative benches and made no logical sense.

But Corbin's face during that joke, you know, if that was recorded in the face of expression handsard, it would say you utter f*** and you utter battalion of f***. Or as George Osborne's face on the day's one, he used to sit on the front bench, God rest his soul. He, um, his face doesn't have that. Essentially just said, I am Osborne, the almighty one, fear my power, Percy Pleb, for I am the harbinger of your doom. Whereas David Cameron's face, basically, all the time just said,

this is fun, I love roleplay! LAUGHTER And Tony Blair, in his days of the Dispatch box, basically his face just said this. MUSIC Do you see that, um, the sort of Theresa May having a big laugh in Parliament this week? Yes.

Terrifying. I think that was really... Her open mouth was the tunnel to hell. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH endearing insult isn't it? Yes. I can't really argue with it, it does talk shite, and then being that's what they do. Is there a role, a pointed role? And then it's nice to have a slightly patronising endearment from someone who is only 22 and better at their job than you. Hen. Was that a typical Hen? Miney one, you think? In Parliament. That was the animal she was most commonly compared to. She was quite beaky though, quite avian eyes. So Hen.

Right. Hen is apt. Are you saying that the world is run by birds rather than lizards after all? To say don't trust birds, they're cruel. The Trumpet. Donald Trump, of course, could not let women's day pass without paying tribute to one of its favourite genders. He tweeted, I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve that are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy.

Well, I certainly feel very respected by him. Moving words. Moving words. And I mean, some people did criticize him saying, well, that is a little bit hypocritical, given, you know, everything. But I think, what kind of world do we live in? Where a man cannot simply obliterate decades of overt sexism with a single tweet? We think we need to be open minded about this. Do we want to live in that world where he would be responsible for any of his actions?

Cut him some slack. Particularly in a week where Chinese authorities have granted approval for dozens of Trump-branded businesses in China, expanding his commercial empire, including escort services and massage parlors. Oh, what happened to the trade war in China? Well, it's been reached to reproachment very quickly, it's been in office less than two months, and look how well international relations are going. That's right. Well, it just shows how sexual exploitation can bring America and China closer

together at a high political level. Well, the world needs now is hand jobs, cheap hand jobs. Also, this week, he released his ideas for the replacement of BarmerCare with a very grand standing name. The Republican Healthcare Replacement Bill is called the world's greatest healthcare plan of 2017, leaves us nowhere to go. You can't... Not for the rest of this year anyway. How do you make a joke out of that Andy? Unless they're being sarcastic with it. Is that possible? Is this the world's first sarcastic bill title? What is interesting that he's only gone for the best one of 2017, is it? Well, he's expecting that in 2019 he is going to produce the greatest intergalactic healthcare bill. Right.

And so he's just, this is just a step on the path to even greater greatness. He's making greatness greater than Andy. Also, he seems to have been slightly moonlighting as a press office for Exxon Mobile. And when it's so busy, so busy. The White House basically just lifted an entire paragraph direct from Exxon for all the jobs it's creating because of his presidency that they announced in 2013. And I guess, but when you're going to drain the swamp, Helen, you need oil companies. You have to drain the swamps that were swamps a hundred million years ago first. Sure. Yeah. Before you get to the modern contemporary swamps.

Drayne the Swamp then drove the swamp. And Scott Pruitt, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, who famously was part of a coalition of state attorneys' generals suing the Environmental Protection Agency in a previous life over its clean power plan. He has expressed considerable doubt about climate change. Yeah, well, can you prove it? What?

They've had a very cold winter in some places. Right, you're right. The science is pretty incontrovertible, but he's going against his own agency as well as NASA and basically all science. What do they know? Well, like the way I see it, Helen, is, you know, it's legitimate not to dive into potentially costly measures to save the entire planet when there is still, you know, 0.0, 1% level of debt. I say it's like when you're having a heart attack. You do not want to call for an ambulance until you are 110% sure that you are definitely dead. Also Trump is 70.

A lot of his cabinet is pretty old. If the world melts in 20 years, why would they give a f***? Also, they're Patrists. We know this. We know how much they love America and how they want to make America great again. America is currently the world's top nation economically. But China is catching up quite quickly. So there's a invested interest for America to bring Armageddon about as quickly as possible so that when the world ends, they've won. And they've had practice because they've made all those films about it in which only America survives. So they've got plans. And we go.

I mean, who cares if they lose Florida because of sea level rises? They've got 49 other states to play with. Rabbit Hole, archaeology news now, and hugely exciting story, Helen, here in England. Someone looked down a rabbit hole and found mystery caves, which were probably used 700 years ago by the night's Templar, or may only be 300 years old, or even 200, in fact they're just basically used for modern black magic. Basically this story has gone from a major historic discovery to a

whole lot of white and shrubs set to a logistical issue in a local satanic sex cult essentially. Yeah, so these caves were everyone's very excited that it might be a 700 year old temple because the night's temple are they were shut down around 1300 allegedly thank you Brussels maybe they were under the ground in structure all this time dress is rabbit but the caves were not that much for the mystery so I first listed in 1984 but then they were sealed up in 2012 to keep away vandals and practitioners of black magic right so people knew about them so doing black magic in them.

So this is something that was dug up after four years. Yeah, four years. Right. Like if you mowed the law next year aggressively and dug up a time capsule that you put in last summer. Right. That was supposed to be there for 50 years. But also the night's template, they had at some point the whole of Cyprus. Why would they

need to build a little hole in tropchery? When they could have more sunshine and be just so much more fun to be above ground. Right. Yeah. Because it was quite an exciting story this and now it's yeah, from about 10 minutes. Someone found something that's four years old. Have you not contemplated building something below your garden lawn to do people in about 10 years time? Shh! Shh! Don't tell them about the dungeon.

Hahaha. Buy now at sexdungeons.com. Hahaha. That's where I keeps his wisdoms. The nice template, I can't have invented banking, so maybe this was just like a bank branch. Right. And they kept it underground so no one could pull the cash machines out the wall.

Most you think, what are the rabbits doing with it? What are the rabbits twitching host on licensed archaeologists burrowing around, looking for stuff? Everyone thinks that rabbits' holes are kind of architecturally unambitious, but this shows otherwise. Yes. Look what they'll do if you give them the opportunity. I reckon they nick the roof off Stonehenge as well. Bad news for the concept of eternity this week. And the eternal flame burning at the Wall Memorial in Omsk went out.

Oh no. Oh no indeed. It's only been burning since the memorial was inaugurated on the 8th of May 2015. So less than two years, it was a bit of a blow for eternity because the local government decided it cost too much money to keep it burning and they said we'll just burn it on 17 holiday days a year to one of the military and so eternity actually means for however many days we can be asked to pay for it, which is 17 a year. It's a lesson for everyone.

Oh, I think maybe the Omsky Local Government, or they know that if fireworks went off 24-7, you wouldn't even bother going to the way they're to look at them. They're just making a sense to more of an occasion, so you appreciate their eternal flame through its lack of eternity. Omsky, incidentally, is since Southwestern Siberia in Russia. And it's, do you know where it gets its name from? No. Well, it dates back to Peter the Great, crashed a horse into a concrete pillar.

And it was the noise he made. Ohmsk. What he was eating a sandwich at the time. And hence, these things were were I'm going to build a city there. It was named after that. Sure. Yep.

Here we had the budget this week, the spring budget, Phil Hammond, the Johnstitch Dicker, Hammering the Self-Employed. Oh! Slightly. Why does he hate us? I don't know. I don't know. But, you know, I don't mind this. Anything that keeps those multinational companies happy,

there aren't that many of them. There's four and a half million unemployed, unemployed self-employed. And... It's sometimes very hard to tell which you are. But there are far fewer multi-billion-er global corporations that are the endangered ones we need to look them. When will they catch a break? But taxes are going to become an increasingly difficult issue.

And recently there have been various suggestions that robots could be taxed, including by bell gates, the reigning world geek of the millennium. And he's looking pretty good to retain his title. I know it's early days in the third millennium, but no one has ever won that title twice. That would be an amazing achievement. He said, warning about the impending robot job apocalypse, that if a robot does take the job of a human, it should have to pay the same tax. Well, Bill, little Mickey Microsoft, you should have thought of that before you started putting all the professional calligraphers out of business with your fancy fonts. And it does raise the question exactly how many robots

can you fit in Monaco? I'm the cable islands. There's only the point of replacing a human with a robot in a job is that you don't have to pay them. So what are they gonna pay their taxes with? That is a, that's a difficult question. And robots mostly do work for cash anyways. It's just very hard to trap. Yeah, I mean, that's a difficult question. And robots mostly do work for cash anyway, which is very hard to trap. Yeah, I don't know.

Track it down. I think one of the reasons why the terminators were replaced quite frequently is because they were wanted for tax evasion. Yeah. But it was disastrous for the treasury. But it makes sense to make money out of robots before they, you know, the clanky metal bastards turn into grey goo and kill us all. I've got to stop wearing my-

All right, print shells. I've got to stop wearing my what would print shells think wristband. You know, my husband's PhD was in nanotechnology, so his lab was occasionally picked by grey goo protesters. I thought nanotechnology was like developing stair lifts and stuff. Not- I thought nanotechnology was like developing stair lifts and stuff. Not... Oh!

A boom! A boom. Is this it? I'm here all... I'm literally here all week, because I live here. LAUGHTER Get pretty good audiences in your house compared to outside. Four people.

Also, the... Turns out the tampon tax is still in place. And the government announced what the... They say they can't remove it until we're out of the EU. Something they did announce, so we're going to end it last year. I was wondering, is this one of those bizarre, bizarre tunnel on this, you know, international women's day week, comics that little week? Yeah, well, yeah.

It's a nice thing. The reason why we have a tampon attack is just fundamentally we are squeamish as a nation with any form of bodily function, particularly female bodily functions. And this is proved by the initial House of Commons debate, which instituted the tampon tax way back in 1933. And we have a recording of it here from Deep in the House of Commons archives, the then Secretary of State for the Genders, Sir Helmsley, Groft and Plank. This is him speaking and Hansard does note that Groft and Plank was blushing a rather, quote, crimson shade of beetroot whilst he spoke.

Mr Speaker, it has recently been brought to the government's attention that a woman or if you will a female man may on a recurrence of a cyclical lunarityed with some form of tamponic at Carter. I'll f**k it, let's tax it and never speak of it again. If women will insist upon menstruating then they should pay. You're not allowed to use that kind of language on this. This is a man's podcast. You know, same-sex civil partnerships can't end on grounds of adultery. Because in Parliament, they didn't want to have

to have the conversation about what sex between people are the same gender constituted. And therefore, what adultery was. Because adultery is defined as sex, between a man and a woman. All right. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. They're very coy, our parliament.

It's such a shame because the idea of Ian Duncan Smith talking about what it means. What is it? Family show, Chris. Family show. Is it though? Your emails, here's one from Sam who says dear Andy Chris and whomever else has chosen to present this week. Thank you Sam. This week Andy, your former

colleague and traitor John Oliver met the Dalai Lama to discuss his succession. When will Andy be meeting the Dalai Lama? I don't need to. I have no succession to worry about. You're not trying to succeed the Dalai Lama like John is. How's all this HBO stuff is about? I don't like smocks. They don't suit me. Well, that's clearly what John always wanted to be some form of Lama. And a Dalai one would be a... Be a real bonus.

Yeah, terrific one. I don't know if he's got enough of a beatific smile because the dallae alarm always has to wear one of those. Yes. I mean it would definitely be a change of tone for the l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l- I don't know, I don't know. We live near Durham Salas and in Northern India, what do they, how India play occasional international cricket matches, so. Could John relocate to there during the week and then get back to New York's do-as-show on Sundays?

Well, I don't know. I doubt it. If a Dalai Lama lives near a cricket producing region then it's quite likely you would meet him at some point, might bump into him. Yeah. I don't know, maybe has pads on underneath his special cloak. What, he's always ready to go.

Always ready to go. You've got to be ready to go. That's what we learned from sport. He's always just creeping around the boundary, hoping, hoping and praying that someone will love the ball to him and it'll be his time to shine. Got some good technical lingo you throw in there, boundary and ball. I'm going to of the ball to him and it'll be his time to shine. There's some good technical lingo you throw in there, boundary and ball. I've got you. Well ball.

What can we convert you yet, Helen? That was one of the more disparaging noises you've ever made at me. And there, there've been a few. Chris, you set up a little Facebook competition. Yeah. In which you asked for people to suggest what species a bugle pet would be where we'd have a pet. Yeah.

You want a pet for the show, yeah? Fuck it. Yeah. Chris gone rogue. Rick, doing things without your permission. Richard Smith suggested a Yeti that makes angry promises then you'd have a cryptic crossword. Does that work? No. I like Edward Howard's suggestion of a scarab beetle because it collects bullshit and rolls it up into a ball.

because it collects bullshit and rolls it up into a ball. LAUGHTER Kate Swift, on a similar line, says, I feel a dung beetle would be the best choice. But she also thinks an arganaut octopus with its detachable penis would be good. A reminiscent of the congressman's wandering whang from back in the day. Well, Jessica Kazuka has also found a wangish pet.

She's suggested a gooey duck. It looks like a penis. The name sounds made up and it's edible, so when it eventually dies from having been forgotten in the soundproof safe, and it can noise vongole. Jeff Spakowski says, got to go with a silver burless capone. It's good there. So you're up there, aren't you? Galski says, gotta go with a silver burless Capone. It's good there, so you're up there, isn't it? Ben Fitzpatrick says an osprey, soles to majestic heights when it's around,

but then it will f*** off for a few months. It still hasn't been given you. At least I came back. Alexei devilishly suggests an echidna, whose four penises represent four seasons of the bugle and they have large brains wicked tongues and no teeth. Just like you when you wouldn't teeth. Simon Witton suggested a cop chaffer. Oh yeah, what we talked about the cop chaffer in an early episode. I don't know if that was before you were on. No, I think it was.

The bugle. Let me find out when the cop chaffer was. I'm just going to type cop chaffer into my computer. A cop chaffer invaded my room on my wedding night. I'm not talking about my husband. I'm talking about an insect that was too large to be caught in a cup and put out the window. Right. My husband screamed leaving me to deal with it.

Ha ha ha. Start as you mean to go on. That's like an episode of Jerry Springer, that one. Richard sales suggests a pantomime horse. The front end must always be Andy's ultimate, whereas the ask can be filled by any of the rotating cars with no discernible dip in the overall performance. Oh, zing. So we need to choose of winners, you say? Helen? Well, it's your house, you've got to choose the pair. Well, I'm going to go with Edward Howarth's

Scarab beetle because it collects bullshit and rolls it up into a ball. I'm surprised you were willing to take that level of competition. Compliment. I think it was a deep, deep, deep compliment to this, you know, and the service it has provided to the world over nearly a decade. So I think we'll probably start another Facebook competition at some point. That's, yeah. What is Facebook? All right, granddad. You remember my space? No. I was just about to set mine up. I had to explain to our mum what Facebook was some time ago. I can't go through that again with you. Right. Oh, right. Is it like when your face is, your face down in a book?

It's like all those people that you don't keep in touch with from school, so we're boring then and they're even more boring now. So I don't think you'd like it. That is all for this week's vehicle. Helen, thank you very much for joining us. Thanks for having me Andy. Oh, well yeah. Well Chris is a big fan of joining us. I'm really back dating that to April 1981. You're welcome.

You'll be back, I don't know when actually, sometime. Sure. So many written applications and all process it. You edging me out. With the family business. One day, all this will be your skin. We'll be back next week with Harry Condobolo and some stuff about the world. I did promise him we wouldn't do Trump next week, so let's hope Trump has a week off. Anything you want to plug?

You can listen to the illusionist if you want and answer me this, the other podcast that I make. Until next time, don't forget to put your tickets for my Southern hemisphere tour. Until next time. I'm doing a live your tickets for my Southern hemisphere tour. Until next time. I'm doing a live show in Los Angeles on the 14th of April at the zipper. You can come and see that. The joint production with 99% invisible should be fun.

All right, is that the radio topia tour? No, it's not, but there is also the radio topia tour in May. In Seattle, Portland, San Francisco and Los Angeles, get your tickets at RadioTopia. .fm slash live. Boom, there you go. Good bye, Puglas. Bye. The Pugal loves being a part of Radiotopia. They and therefore we are better thanks to support

from the Knight Foundation and MailChimp. I-5s all round. Give one to yourself as well. you