The Bugle - Bugle 4021 – Geertcha

Episode Date: March 18, 2017

Andy and Hari Kondabolu discuss the 'good' news from the Netherlands, the rantings of Steve King, Trump's tax return and a penis-on-roof shortage. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, you glues! And a relatively warm welcome to issue 4,021 of the Bugle of the World's Predominical Vestibulary of Glendotalk.

I claim that title, no one else has, so it is ours. I'm Andy Zulsman, the 21st century British, a miniody Batillucci who is here you ask? Yes, exactly, and I am live in London, the capital of the former United Kingdom, now the capital of the... Grrrr. Grrrr. Grrrr. It's still waiting to get the name changed formalized,

but that is basically what we are becoming. And joining me for this issue, for the week meeting Monday, the 20th of March 2017, it is the world record holder for most syllables in a surname by a bugle co-host Although he's only that because John Oliver the previous record holder never used his full quadruple-barrelled births surname of Oliver Chameigne Garensha drum. Sorry, that was never supposed to come out of it. Sorry Anyway, as a fascinating family history. Tell me never talked about it with me other chance It is the quadricellapic quips to himself.

Harry Condo-Bolo! Hello, Andy. How are you? I'm very well, thanks. How are you? It's St. Patrick's Day here. It's St. Patrick's Day there as well. That's a holiday that's celebrated in both of our countries. Yes, it is. Yes. You can't move for people dressed as snakes running away. Well I find the history of St. Patrick's Day fascinating because you know the myth is that St. Patrick got rid of all the snakes from Ireland by getting them drunk and pushing them

off a cliff hence the mass of drinking. I don't know how the vomiting fits in but in the dying of the river's green, but certainly that should explain the drinking. I also like St. Patrick's Day because do you have this expression, everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Yes. I think it's fascinating because the Irish in America became white around the 1800s or so.

So that means that we all get to be white for a day, which is fascinating, because no one's tried this, but you should be able to commit tons of crimes and get away with it today. Today would be your day, and I would suggest, don't go with the petty theft. Go with the money laundering, the embezzling. Go for the big money. You have the day. You have the embezzling, like go for the big money, you have the day, you have the hold and maybe stop drinking around noon and start thinking about white color crime.

Right, you've got to, I mean, that's the color of the color is absolutely cute. Yeah, in the crybook. Well, they're dying rivers green. They do that in Chicago, don't they? Is that just a Chicago thing? Or, I mean, in New York, they're green, but I don't think it has anything to do with St. Patrick's Day.

Right. Is that just what some kind of your fungal influence on the river? The usual bodies being thrown into the river after Mafia hits, whatever that leads to. Right. OK. I mean, does a body give off a particular green substance thrown into the river after Mafia hits, you know, whatever that leads to. Right. Okay.

I mean, does a body give off a particular green substance after it's been, after it's been the recipient of a Mafia hit rather than any other form of slang? Is that what I mean? Look, I'm no expert on the matter. I just say things from a mouth and hope that they might be right for the hour. Well, I mean, that's basically how, I mean, as the path to top level politics in America is, you know. So, yes, I'm right. Those are facts. That's basically how, as the path to top level politics in America. So yes, I'm right.

Those are facts. That's correct. If you say their facts, we cannot argue with you. But also snake juice is green, isn't it? That's why, I guess maybe some Patrick the trial run of drowning snakes in a river before drowns the chocolate. Snake juice is green. What colors are blood?

They're blood? They must have blood. I don't know if snakes have blood. I mean, science has never investigated that. Hari actually explained, Andy has this weird thing where he can't tell the difference between snakes and kiwi fruit. Oh, I'm sorry to bring that up then.

Well, they do share about 1% of the same DNA, I think. I'm terrified of both. Snake, I don't know about, I mean, no one knows if snakes have blood. That's not the kind of thing that you can possibly discover. But on my stag do many years ago with the aforementioned John Oliver and a couple of other friends, there was a heated debate that did involve money changing hands in a bet over whether or not snakes have lungs. So, but that's the kind of level of science we operate at in Britain.

So this is Bugle 4,021. Coincidentally, 4,021, the number of diners who rated their meal average below average or poor at the feeding of the 5,000 according to recently discovered customer satisfaction survey results on Earth's an archaeological dig in the Sea of Galilee region. Complaints included quotes disappointingly bland, unoriginal, unadventurous, a hack-need fish and bread recipe, seriously small portions, that was quite a common complaint. And also someone who

wrote, if you weren't sitting near the front, you were lucky if your meal was even a lukewarm. And if Luke, the gospel hack from the press box hadn't kept the food huddled inside his tunic, it wouldn't even mean that. And that is the origin of the term lukewarm. That's basically the body temperature of a gospel writer. We start with a lot of facts in this shot. I don't know if we can keep it up. Oh God. For 2021, also coincidentally, the number of times since the 24th of June, 2016, the former Prime Minister David Cameron has woken up at night in the middle of a dream about being physically assaulted by a cumble and sausage, a bagette and a suvelackie, read into that, what you want. And going to the number of consecutive games

of who's the biggest tool in this conversation, one by former UKIP leader Nigel Farage, before his famous meeting with Donald Trump last year. The As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin, a couple of sections in the bin this week, gardening. I'm not sure we've ever had a gardening section in the bin on the bugle, but this week, shouting at flowers, does it make them grow quicker? Does your shrub

hate you? How to deal with a bereaved dandelion after you've just mowed the head off its best friend? And we also reviewed the latest range of Wi-Fi-enabled bird tables that allow birds to nibble at some seeds while checking Google Maps for up-to-date wins and traffic information on their migration paths. Also, we look at the latest must-have accessories for your garden. This week, MUD, we advise you where to put it under your grass or all over the patio you decide. And also, in the section of an A3, we're giving away a free audio, garden accessory, choose from one of the following, a singing bird, a wind chime, an escaped tiger, a scarecrow muddy water.

And also in the bin, an exclusive interview with Andy Zoltzman, the British comedian and heart throb, about his forthcoming jaunt to the Southern Hemisphere, where he will of course be performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, from the 30th of March to the 23rd of April except Mondays. Plus, those two bugle live shows on the 16th and 23rd, then to the Sydney Comedy Festival, from the 24th to the 27th, and the New Zealand comedy festival in Auckland on the 28th and 29th and Wellington. On the 30th now, that's a new date and the 1st of May before returning north to resume his UK tour with Giggs and Crawley, Warwick Exeter, Birmingham, Edinburgh Glasgow, Newcastle,

Charlie Cambridge, Oxford and Reading. All of which, of course, prefigure a two-week reboot of Satris for hire at the Edinburgh Festival in August. And I must say it's a truly fascinating interview. I asked Salzman on whose website and his old and not the code at UK, you can find details of the aforementioned. So how am I doing with crowbarring in these plugs? I have noticed. Right, okay. I asked him, exactly, and we'll have a few little snippets before we check this in. They've been exactly why he's still doing stand up. Why am I still doing stand up? Good question, Andy.

Well, really, it's the only life I know. I couldn't hack it as a wrestler. And they won't let me be a surgeon without qualifying. And the tin mines will shut down. So I just don't have any choice. I asked Andy whether it's time he settled down and got a proper job. I'm only 42.

Let me work out what I want to do with my life. When he thinks he might be ready to appear on a topical TV panel show, oh, to be honest, I don't know when he'll level yet, Andy, I need another 10 to 15 years, you have to be a comedic Michael Angelo and a Harvard level polymath, we even have a chance. And the frustrations are being judged on his clothes, looks and body, rather than his art. There's nothing I can do about that, Andy, you can't fight human biology. Plus, finally, asking about the lifestyle of an acquired taste comedian who's never already come close to cracking the big time. I fucking love my shit. God I love my shit.

Unfortunately that interview has gone in the bin. Shame it was a very good interview. Oh, I could go out to talk to I found. And we're very strange close. Top story this week. Dutch right wing loses election. Strupe waffle prices are not impacted. So the big story out of the Netherlands, other than the Strupp waffle deal, is that the far right wing did not win the majority in the elections. This is a party of Mr. Wilders. They're party for freedom party, which is ironically titled,

however, the conservative still won, which I find fascinating, because it's not like it was like a liberal takeover, it was just the not as bad party won, which I suppose if you get your leg amputated or fear amputation, gangrene sounds pretty good. So the gangrene party won. Yeah, I mean, this Francois Holland, the French president said it was a clear victory against extremism. But as you say, the conservatives won,

and Vilder still came second, I think, 19 seats, and on a continent such as Europe, Harry, and And on a continent such as Europe, Harry, and we've had a few brushes with extremism that have not always turned out 100% happily, it's fair to say, for me that victory was not quite clear enough for comfort. Angela Merkel hailed a good day for democracy, and that just shows how out of form democracy has been been that Wilders coming second and the Labour Party disintegrating like a poorly made Pavlov, a lobbed out of the window of a space shuttle as it reenters the Earth's atmosphere. As soon as a good day, I mean, relatively, there have been some worse days, but I'm finding it hard to get, but there's a sense of relief, but also a sense of full bowdour.

I'm not sure this is, I mean, is this a turning point or a dead cat bounce for, I guess, the forces of conducting politics like you're not a massive. Hate is really easy. It's a fun emotion. It allows for yelling and adrenaline rush. That's hard to beat.

It's hard to beat hate. As somebody who has dabbled in it in my younger years. Can you use those same shouting to express love as well? I mean, it's not a classic seduction technique. I love you. My heart is empty without you. Why won't you f***ing understand that? There have been a lot of concerns about the Netherlands politically really, Harry, ever since their horrific display of intolerance towards Spanish footballers in the 2010 football World Cup final, in which they treated the

posing Spain 11, as if they themselves at Dutch God were a team of xenophobic kickboxes told to patrol their borders at any cost. Any country that could produce the football of Mark Van Bommel, the world was trembling to itself that they could probably go in hard and go in rogue at a general election. And when people genuinely terrified that builders could become, you know, become king of Holland, essentially. I've been more detail on him, as you say, his party is called in the Dutch, he's called part of order of rye height, which translates, you got it wrong, actually, it

actually translates as party for the **** head. Oh, formally, formerly known as the CCCC, the cavalcade of card carrying. They finished with the 19 seats for the sake of democratic balance. We should mention some of the other parties on the left side of the orange, the grown links or green left, they won 14 MPs out of 150. Their leader, Jesse Klover, has an interesting background. He's only existed for a few months. He emerged from nowhere after someone got drunk at an office party whilst reading about Canadian politics, and accidentally sent Justin Trudeau's wiki paedia pace to a 3D printer. And also we have

the party voter, Deerin. That's the party for the animals. They picked up five seats. That's a huge result. Hurry. Five seats, 3.1% of the votes for the party for the animal. I wonder if what Dutch voters were such massive fans of the 1960s Newcastle Blues Rock as the animals. And who complained them, lead singer Eric Burden, could could of course blues the lava back into a volcano. Didn't all go well for the 60s music based parties, though. Party voter, part I've heard a hermitin von Hermann, no seats at all. Also the start, Kondig, Geraformia, Dierparte, I'm not sure of the translation, I think it's the start, Kondig, the Geraformia, D Iird the party. The young blood, the Dutch youth party,

the SHKR, the Serbia Hanskroll-Rijsburgon, which is, he can't, we just be nice to each other party, the NJVH, Nyskans Janssen von Hanagum, Van Hanagum, it's more Winnmills police party, and of course the RCR, Rensenbrink Kroif rep, the Reformed Union for Civil Representation. And he aren't those the names of the players from the 1974 Dutch team that lost a Germany? I was hoping you wouldn't notice that one. Anyway, it keeps them. There are so many parties and Dutch politics with their proportional representations. There's a reasonable chance that just by getting the name out there, they might win a seat at the next election. Watch this space. You know it's strange. I know very little about football,

but the one thing I do know is the roster of the 1974 Dutch football team. Strange. Yeah, well, still can't believe they lost. Got overconfident. This guy, Wilders, is it Wilder or Wilders or Wilders? Wilders. Wilders.

Wilders. All you really need to know about in Bueglers is that this gives some context, Harry. He lives in the Netherlands. Now, the Netherlands is famously one of the most relaxed, chilled out and laid back nations in the world. Few people are rated happier and more contented than the Dutch. And Gert Wilders has needed an armed bodyguard, 25A366, for the last 13 years. That is how much of a disputatious divisive shitbag he is. His base, his self-appointed role is to launch the non-existent boils of society with his

rusty javelin the xenophobia, and then salve the resulting wounds with the Chilean few to vinegar of intolerant opportunism. He is in short, what European politics needs right now in the same way that Captain Scott, in the latter stages of his fightful, fatal South Pole expedition, needed a bikini. Also Andy, do you know how I discovered from reading the story? What's that?

Belgium and the Netherlands, two different places. You believe that? I was worried, man, because I like Belgium. I thought maybe that was just in the Netherlands. And apparently if there is an immigration ban issue, like Wilders' ones, if they gain power in the Netherlands, I can still go to Belgium. And they still have soup waffles, so a win-win. Well, that's every cloud. I'm going to still go to Belgium and they still have two waffles, so a win-win. Well, there's every cloud. I mean, it's just got to show, you know, democracy just educates

people about. You know, you're up drifting to the right as might the rest of the world take an interest in our content. I mean, if we... And it's about time we had our side in the world. If we had barmed the area, we might be familiar with it for some period of time. Yep, well, that is becoming increasingly difficult to keep by the day. I mean, it is quite hard at the moment to keep up with all the global elections we need to be worrying about, as well as watching the quantity of sport needed to remain, to maintain some semblance of mental equilibrium in these times of global upheaval. But the French election is imminent and Marine Le Pen, the far-right candidate. She is current odds with the bookmakers 11

to 4, so she's very, very unlikely to win. But hang on, those are significantly shorter odds than either Brexit's or Trump. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B French would say, Nula up **** a part, civil play. He's very French Macron to the extent where his wife used to be his school teacher. Only France could do that. Only France. And he's been criticized for having no policies. And what I would say, Harry, is, oh, thank God for that. If only all politicians had no policies. If Donald Trump just stood there growling, I could take that. I couldn't, I wouldn't like it, but I could take it.

It's the words and ideas that I have problems with. I think this should be the blueprint for all politicians. LAUGHTER BUZZER BUZZER Let me just add that Europeans do not have a monopoly on crazy politicians. You might be familiar with, you know what I'm talking about, the Iowa Congressman Steve King, who, well, you say I might be familiar with him.

I wasn't familiar with him until you suggested we cover this story and my life is significantly dipped in the 24 hours since I started reading about Steve. Well, I mean, he is very much influenced by Wilders, which is very upsetting and he tweeted something out that Wilders had said, and on top of that, he wrote, we can't restore our civilization with somebody else's babies. So he's talking about immigration, anti-immigration, we can't have brown babies because America, of course, has no history of black and brown babies since the beginning, obviously. And so this created a bit of a firestorm.

I mean, it's strange, because if he was talking about aliens, like we can't be having alien babies, I'd probably be with him, initially, until, you know, I fell in love with probably an alien and then I reconsider, and I can't, and I'd probably question, you know, what I was, who I had become, you know, and it would be a film. And good film.

Good film. Also, based on what he said regarding, we can't have someone else's babies, I'm assuming that means if you have a white American baby, either the government or Steve King owes you back child support. Right, it's not slightly suggest that if you have a white American baby, that Steve King believes the government should co-opt that baby to build American civilization from

birth. I mean, there's a number of things wrong with this. I mean, he said, let's repeat these words. We cannot restore our civilization with someone else's babies. Now, in some ways, he's both right and wrong. He's right because you cannot basically use babies to rebuild a full-blown civilization. But babies can barely build a Lego house.

Do not rely on babies for civilization. They are physically inept and emotionally fragile, neither of which is a quality once, if you're trying to restore, so supposedly broken civilization. And we've had monarchs in this country who were babies. We had our cutoff, was it Henry III? Was it nine months old or something when he became king?

And that didn't go completely swimmingly. Obviously he's also wrong because, when you look at the history of civilization, on both sides of the Atlantic, as you've suggested, we needed someone else's babies to build our civilizations in the first place. In fact, as well as someone else's natural resources, someone else's food, someone else's lack of immunity to smallpox. And those people understandably, have actually got a little bit of a stoppy about the way we were doing things. So, basically, we're just not great at building civilizations

without the key input of other people's babies that we've stolen. Also, some of the most fundamental American things have been influenced by diversity. Like jazz is an American invention. That obviously comes from black culture, baseball. obviously comes from black culture, baseball, it comes from the UK and then turns into something else and is now huge in Latin America. Me, the comedy of Harry Canabalu certainly has been influenced by all sorts of things,

not just American comedy history. So some of the most influential and important things that America has contributed due to diversity. And I'm you yourself were at one point, someone else's baby, wouldn't you? Who spread that? I'm on out. How are you spreading that?

I'm like, I'm spreading a rumor. That's what this shows all about. King Metz Wilders last year. And tweeted a photo of the caption, cultural suicide by demographic transformation must end. Which is, I mean, a, soul-chillingly worrying, and B, we think what cultural suicide

by demographic isolation will probably guarantee you a much quicker kill, though. Oh, man. He's also, I mean, he is essentially living proof that democracy doesn't work. And he spoke out against the protests of the San Francisco 49ers caught about Colin Kappernick that we, I think we talked about on an issue you were on before.

And he described them as activism that sympathetic to ISIS. So refusing to sing the National Anthem at an American football game in an effort to highlight the social injustices of American life. I mean, is that high on the ISIS list? You know, and they're going through their weekly agenda, number one, death to the infidel, number two, archaeology is for dewebes. Number three, we really, really hate women.

Number four, we really want to emphasize how much we hate women. And number five, I really think we need to use American football as a vehicle for protesting against racial inequality in the USA. I'm not sure that is how ISIS works, Mr. King. I will say that it is true, way to go, American football, for increasing their global reach. Yeah, that's a new demographic. Show us the power of sport. A- A-

Another big disappointment this week for me was that MSNBC, the American cable news network, claimed that Rachel Maddo, credible reporter, who has an incredible show, had Donald Trump's tax returns. So, of course, we all tuned in like, well, Rachel Maddo's not gonna let us down. This is finally the time. We were told an hour before the show, people tuning in, I apparently got more people tuned into that

than like, you know, the previous MSNBC program. That's something. Yeah. Yeah. And we find out that Rachel Maddow only had the first two pages of his 2005 tax return, which doesn't list what he spent his money on or what the expenses are. It just says, how much he made and how much he paid, which the White House also said before it came out.

So it wasn't really news at that point. And also, they admitted that Trump could have planted it. So they're basically saying that this may be a trap. What you are watching right now might be the media being fooled. And that went for about an hour. I kept waiting for Rick Asley to pop up on screen. I'm never going to give you up the you being the tax returns. I was wondering if perhaps the tax returns were an Al Capone's vault.

That's a reference to in the 1980s, the reporter Haraldo claimed that he was going to open Al Capone's vault where there might be many witches and it was just, I believe, an old bottle of gin or something like that. That's a nice reference. I admire that. That is a rug we've never gone down before on the people.

I know you would. I knew. The whole thing was very disappointed. Essentially, it was Beyonce only releasing 10 seconds of lemonade, which was hard, bro. it was Beyonce only releasing 10 seconds of lemonade, which was hard, bro. It was just heartbreaking for me, because this was going to be the most exciting tax revelation

since this was going to be the most exciting tax revelation. I mean, in terms of great scoops of journalistic history, this is, I mean, it's not great. It's not Watergate, is it? Publishing something that was already public domain and it isn't particularly interesting. But he showed that Trump did pay some tax a long time ago. I mean, we've got similar scoops here. Just breaking now, the news that, well, the huge story here, this could rock the Royal Family to its foundations. Alligations that the Queen had sex with both the Lord High Admiral of the UK and the Royal

Chief of the Papua New Guinea in order of Lugahoo and had at least one child by each of them. Where does this leave our monarchy? What will Prince Philip or the Duke of Edinburgh, her two current squeezes think? Well, they probably don't care because they are all one and just titles of the Duke of Edmund its fate. The Queen had children with her husband. That is what that story has been. I mean, that's, I think, on a level with the Rachel Maddo scoop.

Also, I probably think it's on a level of breaking news, Netherlands and Belgium, two different countries. It was a big one for me. Now, Harry, on your previous appearances on the Bugle, you have been landed with some pretty undiluted Trump, and I did promise on it, I think the last two times you'd been on, that we would try to keep that to an absolute minimum. Now, clearly, as always, there are some pretty massive stories

breaking from the world of Trump. So to keep a lid on it, we are keeping this week's Trump at section to an absolute maximum of three minutes. The trumpet. Go, get it all off your chest. Trump apparently took a climate change off his agenda. So I'm assuming Trump and other super wealthy people don't care about climate change on Earth because they plan to go to Mars. I mean, I don't understand what Trump supporters are supporting a man who's gonna take away their healthcare.

Trump supporters are the kids who do homework for rich and cool kids, hoping they'll be rich and cool by association, and from personal experience, trust me, they will not. If you've done a lot of research into that. That was a method acting for most of my youth. Also, foreign aid has been slashed, which is a slightly old thing to do for a president who wants to stop people moving to America to cut funding on one of the things that will

help people stay where they are. So, reminiscent of when my great aunt, Petula May, worried about bees getting into her vintage Ferrari, defended her vintage Ferrari by guarding it with a giant slab of jam. It makes that much sense. I'm sick of the media constantly doing stories about Trump's tweets. Like Trump's tweets are basically his fiddle. He's basically just being like, hey, look over here. And each time it is effective, I mean, one hour after Trump tweets that Obama wiretapped

him an accusation of historic proportions, he tweets that Arnold Schwarzenegger ruined the apprentice. Same person. Within an hour of each other had moved on to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Senate Intelligence Committee said there was no evidence that Trump Towers ever under surveillance by the US government before the election. To which I would respond, A, of course not. The mere suggesting is obviously the diluted ramblings of a medically certifiable and B, why the f*** was it not under surveillance? I mean, I listened in with a yoga pot and a piece of string when I was in New York last autumn

and it was clear there was some seriously weird stuff going on inside that tower but really weird, like trying to get a racist, sexist tycoon elected as president. You don't let that kind of stuff slip under the radar America. Tap, tap, tap. Also, breaking news, allegations out there were both wires and taps in both Trump Tower and the White House during the election campaign. Simultaneously, you can draw your own conclusions from that. During the joint session, Donald Trump said it is reckless to allow uncontrolled entry from places where proper vetting cannot occur. He is proof of this. Keep him in his own tower. He could be like the 21st century Rapunzel. Trump has rebooted his definitely not a Muslim ban on Muslims,

and he's insisted that he's not a ban on Muslims. And the problem for Trump is that he did put on his own website a statement calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the US. So, the problem for Trump is he laid his cards on the table. And then he took a screenshot of that table with the cards on it and put it on his website and then took a photo of himself rubbing the cards suggestively on his crotch and tweeted it with a hashtag saying, I'm a feminist. Another reason why Donald Trump doesn't care

about global warming is because, you know, he's the devil and it's hot in hell. I remember thinking last year, who were all these people who keep falling for the Nigerian prince scam in 2016? And then after Trump was elected, I had my answer. And I'm glad that we kept that segment as short as we did. Andy, I'm glad that we kept that segment as short as we did. I know a lot of the bugle listeners were very upset that we kept talking about Trump when I was on.

They were getting bored of it. So I think we should let them know if other catastrophic world events do occur like an alien invasion or a meteor hitting the earth, we will be sure to keep it short. Sorry for boring you with our alien invasion and a meteor hitting the earth. Your emails now, this came from Neil who writes, I've enjoyed the return to weekly bugles. The only complaint I have about the new format is that there is far too much coverage of politics, as you just suggested, Harry, and not nearly enough stories about Tina just drawing cocks and balls on their parents' room. I mean, this goes right about bugle number 69, wasn't it? The cock on roof episode. It was a huge story, Harry. And

basically this kid drew, it was about 50 meters long, wasn't it? Yeah. But basically imagine a helipad but shaped like an enormous set of male clunches. Neil continues, in a hope to rectify this, I enclose a link to a quite incredible headline, model who vowed to give 19,419,577 blow jobs to meet man with bionic penis, which sounds like the most awesome crossword clue ever written. See, everyone who voted no in the recent Italian referendum apparently, that's going to be hard to, I meanistically, that is an issue. It's like Batman vs Superman for the depraved. More so. I had that as an editor, a review of one of my Edinburgh show. Well, we will keep looking at, I'm maybe hurry next, I'm your on the show,

you can bring a story about someone painting a penis on a roof. I might paint that penis on a roof, just to have the story. Oh, you do that. You do that. Make your own story. That's the way journalism works these days. And we are, of course, a journalist, a outlet.

Do keep your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebugelpodcast.com. Sport now and a huge week in horse racing. Here, the horses have been steepled chasing each other all over the place at Cheltenham, the Cheltenham Horsley Festival, very much the Cheltenham literary festival of the horse racing world and some wonderful races. And we at the Bugle we have exclusive commentary for non-gamblers on the big horse races from Cheltenham, including the Supposedman Pat Memorial Stakes which took place on Thursday. Exclusive commentary for people who don't like

gambling. And here come a load of horses. They're all running fast. It's a terrific race. The lights are back. We'll be loving this. We're here today. They're coming up to a fence up and over the fence. it's hard to tell what they're thinking the horses, they're not giving much away faceily, but the little folk on top of them are getting quite worked up.

Some horses going fast, and the other ones now, they're slowing down. That seems to be the end of it. It was one of the front, the brown one, and then a gray one and some more brown ones, or with four legs, great sport. Well, the big sports story in America is that the March Madness has started. That is the NCAA tournament, the college basketball tournament where colleges from all over the country compete, 64 to begin with and division one, and they play for weeks at a time,

and it's very exciting. None of the athletes get paid, however, billions of dollars is made for television networks and their colleges, which is very American to have unpaid labor to make other very rich. I mean, honestly, that is the most American thing. It's quite extraordinary, isn't it? The obsession, because I was in America one March,

a few years ago, and I don't see, I saw Barraka Barma, who was then president, and took some time off from installing secret wise in other people's blocks of flats. And he took half an hour on a TV show to do his bracket for the for March madness, to say who he thought was going to win and you know right through to the final thought. I mean it's one thing taking the time to do that well, concern me a hell of a lot more, Harry, was how much he knew about it. Did he not have more important stuff to do than to think about unpaid student basketball?

I mean, he must have had near piece of some sort. People must have been feeding him things, right? Do you want to hoax, though? I mean, I would hoax, I would hoax you to just broken down in tears and saying, oh God, it's so nice not to have to talk about terrible things. Who's your money on this year for the...

And why is it called March Madness? I mean, what element of... I mean, how mad is it? Well, there's a lot of last-second kind of buzzer-beater type games and often, like, teams ranked like, you know, it's one through 16 for each piece for each division so all the whenever like a lower seed beats a higher seed it's a really big deal. I don't really I mean who I was half what you're gonna do this year? I imagine that absolutely sensational that they made the Ivy League finals and then lost. The Ivy League teams are always

really funny to watch because they're really fundamentally sound. It's a very boring type of basketball. It's what I'm saying. But it's fundamentally as if they read the book like a manual, they read the rule book like a manual and are playing by those rules. They're very strict. Right. So they wander around with great big works of philosophy tucked under one ray? Also, we had the final of Croft's last week, which is one, you'll be delighted to know, Harry, by an American Cocker Spanule. I don't know if the dog itself is American, but the breed is called the American Cocker Spanule. The dog was called Afterglow Miami Inc. But this did not go down well with dog fans. They branded the winning dog a pompous fancy thing. And when I say they, I mean,

one person on Twitter, others called the winning dog a joke. It was very, very groomed. I mean, this, you know, the American Cocker Spaniel is a gun dog essentially, to hunting accessory. Well, you expect that from the American Cocker Spaniel. British Cocker Spaniel is of course a prepare to let the police do their work. It's not gun dogs that kill peasants, remember? It's people with gun dogs and guns. Anyway, I don't know. Is there an American equivalent of crafts, Harry? Where, you know, the great dogs of America get to strut their funky stuff? Oh, yeah, there's the Westminster dog show. I imagine it's basically like the Superbowl. Oh, it's here. Yeah. Thanks for that, Insight.

Other dogs had a good... a good cross, as well as off to Glo Miami Inc. Spritzel plank, Gravidlaks. That's a root-at-a-dian lab, dog, sir. We're now for being able to bark the theme tune to the juke's of hazard. He won in the coveted stupidest prawns category. The doggy free dance was won by a very sweet little crimplehead miniature Bavarian snitchelhound

called virus death machine, barely the size of a family-sized spam fritter, but stole the heart of the crafty crowd with her winning dog-terpretation of the death of Cleopatra. And of course, the big star of day one of crafts, champion her piece of jiggle dick, a long-snouted Ecuadorian pretriever,

that's the type of dog that fetches the stick before you even throw in the trigger. And he made up for his disappointment in the North Korean national dog show when he was of course disqualified for humping a warhead. And he's been on much better form since having his clonkles chopped off, and he won the most other dogs asses sniffed in a minute's competition, clocking up a personal best of 34 in the final. And he got very excited when presented with his golden bone by Porthos,

the former muskahound from the 1980s animated children series, Dogtanian and the three muskahounds. So it was nice to meet you, celebrity hero. I know, in fact, I went to the, I went to the Postmax press conference and asked after Gloomyami Inc. how he was dealing with his newfound celebrity. After Gloomy's ultimate, the Bugle, congratulations on your win. How do you feel about being judged so much on your physical appearance?

Do you feel undervalued and demeaned by that? No, MP. I know, I look great. I'm happy with how I look. And if other dogs want to look like me, well, that's just good to... Where is that dog from? It's American.

Which era of America? Well, Alaska pre-186. I'm totally American. Which era of America? Well, Alaska pre-186. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Don't forget, if you're in the Southern Hemisphere, to come to every single one of my shows, aforementioned in the show, Andy Zoltzman. co.uk for details.

We'll also tweet them out. How are you gonna show you'd like to plug in? I do. Good. In New York City this Sunday, March 19th, I will be doing a show with my brother, the Untitled Cundabolo Brothers Project at the Little Field.

We would love for you to be there. 323 March 23rd through March 26th, Sacramento Punchline, April 26th, the Cedar and Minneapolis, April 27th through the 29th, comedy on state and Madison, Wisconsin. And of course, on May 4th through May 7th, Caroline's on Broadway, New York City. Also politically reactive the podcast I do with W. Commaubell returns on March 29th and I have albums out and surprise album dropping any day now. Cool, there you go, Bughalus, but by all of those things, I'm given as as wedding presence. Andy, how much do you like radio tape here? I love radio topia and indescribable amounts, so I will not describe it.

How much, therefore, do you like the Night Foundation? The Night Foundation, awesome, one of my favourite foundations. And how much do you love Mailchimp? Well, I love all genders of Chimp, but Mailchimp in particular is very good at what it does. Thanks very much for listening, Bueglers. We'll be back next week with Nish Kumar. Now, there's a big story this week in Britain as obviously being the Scottish referendum making a dramatic comeback and we will be discussing that and other things with Nish next week. Until then,

goodbye. Goodbye, music lives.