The Bugle - Bugle 4023 – World turned upside down

Episode Date: April 7, 2017

Andy is in Australia and joined by two new Buglers – welcome David O'Doherty and Tom Ballard.In the news: Pepsi, Gibraltar and the latest from the US. Plus, just how right wing is Australia?Podcast produced by a zombie/corpse/ghost. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard reader. Hey Andy, how you doing? Uh, uh, yeah, fine. Fine Tom, yeah.

Welcome, welcome to Australia. Yep. Surprise, surprise as you were. Yeah, alive. Well, you did try and kill me off in, I'd say, 200 obviously. Yeah. But no, no, no, welcome. Welcome to Australia. Apart from it, did you come here by boat? Not on not this time. Good, okay, because if you came here by boat,

you're very f***ing not welcome. Ha ha ha. In fact, have this one way ticket to a tropical hellhole. Anyway, yes, welcome. Welcome. So, yeah, how's it going? How's David Cameron going? Uh, Cameron. I've heard he's fine.

I've heard he's... Good, good. And Barack Obama, how's that Cameron going? Cameron, I've heard he's fine. Good, good. And Barack Obama, how's that all going? Yes, he's, where have you been? Oh, look, well, we'll just ask John, hey John, how you doing? Oh, now there's some news I've got to explain. John? I've really got to explain this. What have you done?

What have you f***ed done to John? F***ing f***ing well, at least Chris, you can have a busy job. F***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing. Chris? Turn to John Well at least Chris you can have a busy job Chris you have a fight him as well I've just moved hemisphere temporarily all right, let's get on with it. Should we start the show? The bugle audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bueslers! And welcome to issue 4,023 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for this remorselessly visual world, the long dead audio canary for today's non-existent political coal mine.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, and I'm reporting to you live from one of the world's lesser known hemispheres, the Southern Hemisphere, from Australia, in fact, in the glorious city of Melbourne, which is in fact only slightly older than this podcast. And joining me for this truly historic bugle, marking yet another step forward in the history of broadcasting. I have not won, not two, not three, but two coats, did I say too early?

Yeah, it's two. Two guest co-hosts, both on bugle debut. Some say that's bad selection. I say if you're good enough, you're old enough. Get it wrong. Firstly, and let's play spot the one biographical line, the introduction. From Australia, and its comedian,

radio host TV political discussing show anchor, and former stunt double standing for the character of Theodore in the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie franchise. Tom Ballard, wow. Southern ever's been for life. Hello, Eddie. Welcome. Welcome to the... Thank you so much. Pleasure to be here on the podcast.

There was described the other night when you were being introduced as the highest selling podcast in the world. Yes, really. Sales are through the roof. Yes. We must be in for a big win for all after this. The huge... Yeah, it was... that was news to everyone.

But that is a lie I'm prepared to let... Let's spread. Let its tentacles take root. And from Ireland, you see if you can get the line this one too, it is comedian, keyboard wagler, author, professional penguin officiarnardo and winner of the UN Golden Break Pedal Award for Road Safety Development for his invention of the holographic Roadkill Ghost. It is David O'Darkerti. It's true I can't play the keyboard. It's great to be here. Thank you very much Andy.

It's going last, you've asked me. It's great to have you on. Well, we go back a very long way. We were just discussing before pressing the play and record button simultaneously as I believe Tom does here we did a new act competition 18 years ago and 1999 yeah with Jimmy Carr who is now he's a gas fitter isn't he yeah I believe so I think in fact, in the genre of going into business together fitting gas. I'm just delighted you've got me finally a straight white man on the podcast. Well, yes. I mean, this is, you are the, yeah, the first, since John Oliver to, uh, first straight white

man. I mean, it's just a perspective that's often overlooked. You know, a lot of the time I want to know what do straight white men think about this. Yeah, but it's only there was in this paper or something. Yeah, with a great silence, minority. When will we have us, say, in the way the world works? You both discuss me. You, Tom, are an abomination of the world.

God, it's good to be here. Also joining us, as you may have heard in that introduction, in a development that may intrigue long-term bugle is a man, reports of whose death it transpired were greatly exaggerated and by exaggerated, I mean, obviously made up. Back from the audio dead, twiddling the buttons and blooping the bleeps once more, all the way from the first three years of the bugle of this ex-bugle producer, Tom. Hello, Tom. Hello. Majority of your new listeners,

won't know who the hell I am, and wish this indulgent bullshit would end soon. Absolutely. Was he transported to Australia for a mistake he made on the early bugle? David listened very closely, yes. LAUGHTER So this is the bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 10th of April, producer Tom, not

the only blast from the past, because on this day, the 10th of April, 1815, the largest volcanic eruption in recorded history, my least favorite type of history, incidentally, Mount Tambora, the great big boom-bam blasting bad boy, the Indonesian megamagnetic monster mountain, quite literally blew its top and sent 160 cubic kilometres of volcano vomit, pyroclastus blurting into the skies. That is the equivalent on the modern volume scale of 2.8 Donald Trump egos and an eruptive power equivalent to the tantrums of 375 small children being simultaneously denied an ice cream. Led to a period of global climate change that provoked a worldwide famine. The worst worldwide famine of the 19th century,

and in 1816, the following year was known as the year without a summer, because the clomatic impact of the eruption. Now imagine, imagine if it happened now. God, then no cricket. I'm going to put everything in perspective, doesn't it? Well, they'd have to do because the grass would be growing after he says astro creases, which would play against the spinner, wouldn't it? Right. We'd be difficult.

And it can ask, what was the best famine of the 19th century? The best, as opposed to the worst. Yes. I don't know. I mean, to be honest, as a as a as a as a Brit, we were quite good at making famines work well for us commercially. As the people of Ireland and India would no doubt justify. So I mean, we are we're at some cracking famines. So one thing, yeah, absolutely cracking famines. Today, as we recall, the 7th of April, it's World Health Day

and also in the USA National Bearday. So, when people say there are not enough days in the year, that is exactly what they may have. That's those two days having to share the same date. And in fact, for this week's section in the bin, we are commemorating US National Bearday by launching the official Bugle Audio Beard. Bugle Beard is a handcraftcrafted manually bottled beer, each hop lovingly sung to by a trained lounsinger to suit it before being plucked voluntarily from the vine, then hand-brewed by hand in an artisan or hand micro-vaculate, made of fair trade ethically using vegan gluten-free water, multi-denominational priest-blessed barley and free-range yeast

with an equal representation of male and female yeasts. The recycled sugar is allowed to ferment to whatever piece it chooses. Then the finished beer is wirelessly linked up to a starving African teenage boy, so that every sip you take gets him drunk as well as you. Free beer in the bin this week. Top story this week, Andy. Australia exists. Yeah!

Now, I'm not sure, I'm not sure if it's going to relate to the UK and US audiences like Australian politics, I'm not sure if there's going to be much crossover there, but like in Australia where rule over by rich white and new conservatives who are slaves to corporate interests, we have an opposition party that's lurched to the right in plague with leadership instability, the Murdoch media empire is conquered and poisoned public debate, we have a whiny and ineffective progressive movement and our deep-seated xenophobia is manifested itself on the rise of right-wing populism and the cruel and racist demonization of refugees. Right, okay, so...

Daring it, Bill? Well, there's only one thing I can say to that and that is this. Lend in alert, lend in alert, it's the public attention, Commie, lend in alert, the Bolsheviks are at the gate. Attention, commie, attention, commie, lend him the learnt, the Bolsheviks are at the gate. Don't bring that lefty shit in there. Don't bring that audio shit in here.

Attention, commie, lend him the learnt, the Bolsheviks are at the gate. We love the Prime Minister in Australia. We've had, we've chained through five in the past ten years. Yes, when I was lost here 2007. Yeah. Well, when I was lost at the full festival, I think Kevin Rudder just taken over. Yeah. From John Howard.

Yes. And he got into power really running an extremely strong. I am not John Howard campaign. So he's top qualification. Then he was asked to buy Julia Gillard. Yep. Who really played the I'm not Kevin Rudd card. Pretty damn hard.

Yeah, really good. Then Rudder counterasted Gillard saying, I'm not Julia Gillard, who really played the, I'm not Kevin Rudkard, pretty damn hard. Yeah, really good. Then Rudd, a counter-austed Gillard, saying, I'm not Julia Gillard. Yes. Then, unfortunately, he was Kevin Rudd. He was Kevin Rudd, and this is what was then exploited by Tony Abbott, who said, I'm neither Gillard nor Rudd. Yes.

And now we have Malcolm Turnbull, who's basically got in by saying, I am just absolutely anyone who's prepared to do this f***ing job. That is when he's at, it's a dance as old as democracy itself. I have a way basically summarised that. That's pretty much it. Yes, he's quite a book about that. Okay, thank you. Yeah, well, Tony Ambert was too right wing, you see.

Far too far to the right, too right wing. So thanks, Julia. You're for Australia. So we fortunately replaced him with a millionaire who likes lucky up refugees and giving tax cuts to corporations. Thanks God for the sensible centre. One of the outrageous lies of Australian politics

is that the Conservative Party are called the Liberal Party here. It's very confusing. And then the Ultra Conservative Party here are the Conservative Party. Well, there's now the Australian Conservatives, which was Cory Benardi, who's, you know, like gay marriage

will lead to bestiality level crazy. He left the Liberal Party because they were too right wing for him And he set up the Australian conservatives to left wing to left wing for him. Yes, too. Yes, too left wing. Yes But that's did he genuinely say that that gay marriage will lead to best. Yeah. Oh, yeah Wow, sent to the back bench not fired back bench, please I mean, I don't know if you've been to Ireland in the last year, but there's a lot of livestock getting boomed I mean, I don't know if you've been to Ireland in the last year, but there's a lot of livestock getting bombed. There is a lot of say.

Yeah. Well, we legalized gay marriage and Brexit happened. Oh, join the dots people. Join the... It causes earthquakes, political ones. We love our racism here in Australia. We like... I think we like the barefaced stuff, none of this casual covert stuff, okay?

Out of the open, little less dog whistling, little more black-faced on national television, okay? That's part of the live we're going for. And I would put our racers a month there with the best in the world, David, the best. If there was a racism Olympics, we wouldn't go the before and is that. But you could tell it would have a great time. A leading racist at the moment is a woman by the name of Paul Enhancin, God rest her soul. Sorry. She's our Nigel Farage, our Gert Wilders, our Donald Trump, although like Eddie, Australia adaptation of anything overseas, it's a bit shit.

She is the Australia's Got Talent of Politics. No good. She has praised Vladimir Putin. She suggested vaccines cause autism, and last year which was giving her a dress to the Australian Senate and making her political comeback, she was in the parliament of the 90s. She said simply, I have two words for you. I'm back, but not alone. And I've got one word for that quote. It is really stupid. Are you mentioned Putin? We shouldn't point out from a point because I know a lot of you listeners use the vehicle as a historical record as much as anything else. As we record, the US has

as a historical record as much as anything else. As we record, the US has just launched Michelin attacks on Syria in response to the Assad regime's use of chemical weapons. That is Syria in the Middle East, and that is the same as Assad, whose principal ally is Vladimir Putin and Russia, but don't worry, but it will all be fine. What could possibly go wrong with that? And it will all be fine because we've put some music on

to suggest that it will all be fine. And because we are currently physically in Australia, which is, A, the world's ninth happiest nation, and B, what else in many way? There we go. There we go. I've got some Australian politics facts. Golden.

Australian politics fact one. If one party doesn't get an overall majority in the Australian elections, they form a koalashian. Very good. Very good. I like that, David. That does fit into the overall ethos of this show, you know, which is Terrible Ponds Masquerading As Thatter. Shhh. Yeah. My view of Australian politics, I've got here last week.

There's a hell of a lot of abuse in Parliament. Yes. The Abusion in British Parliament tends to be slightly camouflaged under vaguely parliamentary language. In Australia, they're pretty much just calling each other s**t to each other's faces. Well, yes. I think the green senator got up the other day and was talking about when he was a lecturer talking to his students about the state of the Great Barrier Reef and

what was going to happen to it and him and the students collectively cried. And the conservative side of the parliament burst out laughing and one got up and genuinely offered him a hanky. So that's good, you know, good school yard bullying is going on. Mark Latham, the former lab leader who was very close to beating John Howard in the election could have been our prime minister, has recently been fired and disgraced from the Sky News channel for calling a student who released a video promoting feminism for International Women's Day as gay. Oh, man.

Jadley said I thought he was gay. Right. Normally, if you're like a bullies and adult, the age of your victims grows up with you too. But you seem to just keep focusing on the high school level of the abuse, which is extraordinary. So what is happening with marriage equality in this country? There is going to be a referendum. There is going to be, is it a referendum? No, there was a plebiscite, which was going to be like a nationwide opinion poll,

but that got voted down because the gays didn't like it either, because they thought that the publicly funded campaign of talking about how horrible everything was would be damaging, and they could just do it anytime they like and have a free vote in parliament. Right. It is extraordinary. The Prime Minister that later we've upositioned and the Australian people all support marriage equality, but we still can't do it. That's democracy, baby! They're prime minister to the leader of opposition and the Australian people all support marriage equality, but we still can't do it. That's democracy, baby! It's quite an odd battleground to still be...

I mean, when you've been beaten by Britain to legalize it and by Ireland, I'm saying it's... I mean, that is the real miracle that we, the most monocultural country in the world ever... The only country in the world where parsely was regarded as a spice until reasonably, that is to pull it off. That should be the inspiration everyone else needs. That's, I mean, particularly, this is a country so large that if anyone had a, you know, real, genuine, massive objection to gay marriage, they could quite easily just move to somewhere, a minimum of 200 miles away from the nearest possible guy. So you're gonna thought,

this Australia should have been leading the way Tom. Thanks for mentioning my show title nearest possible guy. I appreciate that. Take us on sale now, I can't wait to end the race. What is it, Dave? I mean, you say that,

but Australia is also full because I've been watching some of the anti-refugee stuff. So that'd be the difficulty of moving because it is a ramp at you. You take a train out into the air back now. It's just lines of people crush together in fields. There's like, there's a refugee in the studio right now. Yeah. So we're back with action multiplied by itself.

There's been a lot of talk about like corporations getting on board the marriage equality movement from Quantis and the CEOs coming out in support of it. They're doing it because it's the right thing to do for their profits. Shell, it's more like shareholders. And Airbnb recently announced there'd be selling specially crafted acceptance rings in support of the cause. So the ring forms an incomplete circle. There's little gap representing the gap that's currently in our marriage laws and the words until we all belong are engraved on the interior, which if you ask me, sounds f***ing gay. And there was this Andy, same sex marriage campaigner, so for York, she went on television, she was concerned about the rings, David. You see? Because she was worried

that people might feel pressured into buying them, if employees started selling them at work, but also it could be an OH and S issue. I mean the gap could catch, that ring could catch on things we need to think about the impact on the worker. Good thinking, Sophie York. It's easy to imagine a scenario where one of those puffed rings could seriously endanger someone's life, whether they're a plumper fixing a tap

or a proctologist conducting a rectal examination. Although I'm sure the gay lobby would blow me on that. Sick weirdos. I say all rings should be closed so that no one gets caught on pesky equality. Also, black civil rights campaigners stop sitting up the front of the bus. You are distracting the driver. I think if Airbnb was serious, they'd release a limited edition cock ring. I think they would. We family show, sorry. Maybe that could be the next, the next bit of bugle mode. It's great that Airbnb have a social conscience considering they're based in Dublin so they pay zero tax anywhere because of a dodgy deal they've done with the Irish government.

Everyone's being on about Ireland because, you know, the company tax cuts just got through last, last week here and they're like, look at what's happened with Ireland, they lowered their company tax right and now everybody's there. But then they don't even pay tax to you guys, do they? No, the Apple Oh 18 billion to the Irish government or the EU has ruled against Apple Oh in this quantity, but the money is stateless. It doesn't exist. It just sort of sits in a drone that's holding it somewhere over the mid-Atlantic. So we're never going to get to see it, but we are the absolute parties for, I think we are just really impressed

when Americans say they want to come to Ireland and open a company there. We don't worry about tax misogynist. Just a back a few years. There's some controversies I was reading about. But Australia's offshore detention regime, which could harm, it's bid for seat on the UN Human Rights Council, currently populated by such notorious bastions of human rights as Egypt, China and Saudi Arabia.

Which is, that's kind of like putting Tom Brady on the world anti-American football council or Hannibal Lecter as chair of the International Foundation for the Compulsorisation of Ethical Veganism. Now Ruq seems to be a bit of a national embarrassment. Don't talk about it. Okay, all right, you mean? All right. So Naru is the island where you're made to stay. Is that right? If you seek refugee status in Australia? Yes, you got Naru, you got Menasalan and Papua New Guinea as well. Pop you on there for up to three years. Chill out. Have a little think about us. Relax, think about what you've done.

Think about what you've done. Watch the Australian bachelor on a loop and see if you like the look of any of these sweet hardies. Yeah, what a go home now, don't your kids. Actually, I'm talking about Grefy Reef before. What's exciting is that by 2022, that's just going to be a reef. And then by 2029, all going to plan, that will actually become a prison for refugee fish. So, you know, we're spreading an outward diversified. It's good times. David, you have spent over a year of your life in Australia. I guess I've toured here so many times. Yeah, it adds up to that. So what's your take on it? I think Andy, there's one thing Australia loves.

It's a really cheap reality TV format. Every time you put on the TV here, people are crying as they pull a car tire up a hill. Or because there are macarons having macarooned. Or just middle aged men crushing the singing dreams of weeping children. But the one that we got at home in Ireland and in the UK is Border Security, which I think might be called nothing to detain here, where hapless tourists fail to realize you're not allowed to bring jars of mayonnaise with rats living in the mid to Australia.

It's one of those, I think the reason that shows it's so successful, it's like America's dumbets criminals, it's the government saying, we've got this, everything is under control, but they're always filming us when you arrive into Melbourne Airport, and I've just wanted to get on us for a long time. I didn't really have a tactic.

Initially, I just pretend to be a bit sarsy, with know, with the slightly sarsy cough. And then I'd bring in, you know, plastic bags just full of blood, whatever, but they would never get me. But this time, I wasn't really thinking about it, but there they are. There's the sniffer dogs in the cameras. And I had my headphones on after 21 hour flight. And so I play a small novelty keyboard on stage. I'm not afraid to admit that on the vehicle. Alright, Mark, don't flash it about, mate. And it had taken a bit of a beat at some point on the flight. And as it arrived in the carousel, my bag was playing Billy Joel's Don't Go Change and really loud. And the dogs

roached over. And the dogs weren't trained to deal with this scenario. But because I was listening to possibly this podcast with you and Nishkumar, I didn't notice why wheeled it through the airport and the men stopped me and then went through it. But they didn't, the TV cameras weren't there. So once again, failed to get on. Nothing to declare. So what I mean what because I yeah, they as you said They're very militant about you know bringing in you know fruit products, but I mean he's insects They're very scared of right tiny insects causing biblical Clikes what not like 70s early 80s American American pop music Joel

I think so I think we didn't start the fire right they might which is a more Adjitive song, right? You know what I mean? They they'd be were in a nation that suffers terribly with the bushfire issue that I mean I just don't have to be stamped on it. Why are you playing minute wood? Other news now it's war the big one The one we neutrals have been waiting for since 1588 from the Armada. Britain versus Spain. It's Pi versus Piale. Bill Bowe versus Bill Wyman. Raphael Nadal versus Roel Dahl. Hans Labyrinth versus Labyrinth with David Bowie. Just one week on since Theresa May triggered Article 50, Britain has gone full 1588. As former Tory leader Michael Howard suggested

the Britain and Spain could go to war over the failure of anyone to think about what would happen to tiny British controlled protector at Gibraltar after Brexit. This is despite the fact that Spain has not raised any issues today. Still, it's like, this has got to happen! Come on! It seems like what the hell would happen to Gibraltar is another one of the things that they forgot to think through before offering the simple binary choice to British voters. That list now

includes what will happen to Scotland and the future of Great Britain itself. What will happen to the delicate piece in Northern Ireland? What will happen to at least three quarters of the jobs in the UK? We've only got about an hour half hour left in the studio. Cut the list down a bit. Well, the one question that has been answered in the last week is what does Michael Cain think? Yes, we know finally the man who played Scrooge in the Muppet Christmas Carol, what he thinks of Brexit and he a bloody alums it. He said I'd rather be a poor master than a rich servant. Do you have the voice though? I'd rather be a poor master than a rich servant.

I'd rather be a poor master than a rich servant. It is the court. And the genius of the sun was they conflated his comments with the Gibraltar situation to create yesterdays, as we record this very powerful headline, which is, we only want to blow the bloody senoras off. Okay, sorry. We only want to blow the blood. Could you say? We only want to blow the bloody senorazov. Okay, sorry. We only want to blow the blad, can you say? We only want to blow the bloody senorazov. Which two listeners who may not be as familiar with

the works of Cain, that's a pun on a Michael Cain quote from the 1969 movie The Italian Job, where he says, you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. The beauty of, we only want to blow the bloody senoras off, is the fact that the sun in my mind is trying to heal the rift between Britain and the rest of Europe by offering, well, senoras, because they don't have, is it a tilde, you know, the curvy line over the O. So, senoras in this situation means pensioners, as opposed to the usual use of senoras. So what the sun is offering is to give blowies. We only want to blow the bloody senoras off. So maybe if you have a copy of it, you can bring it to the...

Just shows how the old folk dominates politics now. We're always giving in to the demands of the pensioners. Basically, Gibraltar is essentially 50% of our empire now, which has shrunk over the years, I will give you that. I mean, if you take Gibraltar away, we'll have only the Falklands left, essentially, unless you count Canada and Scotland. I forget, anyway. I did think, David, how are an Anglo-Spanish war would pan out? And essentially, we'd basically get the ferry from Portsmouth to Bilbao, then stop for a nice long lunch in a seaside town along the coast before thinking about making a leisurely way south towards

Madrid, then maybe stay for a few nights in the people's day or open mountains. Beautiful scenery, so relaxing, a couple of long walks. It's about standing cheese and ham, maybe make it as far as a beautiful medieval city of León where you don't inevitably stuff your face with high grade snacks while getting gently sozzled on beer and architecture before you just call the invasion off. So I think it's not going to be quite the global conflagration people fear.

As one of the only British people in this production, since you love Spanish ham so much, which side are you on, Andy? Don't make me choose. I think it's ironic that Spain is so desperate for the UK to share a small slice of something. Now they know how we feel when we go to Teppas. The people of Gibraltar have hastily set up a fake lobby organization called Defenders of Gibraltar, and that is entirely unremarkable, except for the spokesperson that keep putting out to do interviews. And she is the incredibly aptly named Anne Marie Struggles, which in terms of other hapless Brexit negotiators, her name is up there with

my all-time favorite, who's the current Northern Ireland secretary Secretary who's trying to negotiate that very delicate situation they have there. And his name is James Broken Shire, which is the most perfect name since our old friend from the world of football, Tokyo Sexwell. Everything goes back to Tokyo Sexwell. Advertising news now, and this week a new ad for Pepsi featuring reality lady and full-time person Kendall Jenner landed the company in some hot water, incidentally hot water, still better than Pepsi. The commercial features Jenner having a sexy, famous photo shoot on the street and is

then inspired to join a passing protest, like a march. It's very unclear what exactly the march is protesting as the signs display love hearts, the peace symbol, and the phrase, join the conversation. Very odd. Let's just assume they're protesting PepsiCo's environmentally destructive water practices in the developing world.

Random! Jenna grabs a refreshing can of Pepsi to help her wash down all this delicious social justice, laughs and smiles at the super cool and super diverse protesters and eventually offers a can to a member of the Stern looking police watching over the march. The cop tastes the sip and smiles refreshed at everyone cheers. Thanks capitalism you've done it again! I want to see more multinational companies getting involved with this and sort of marketing political activism planning on Chaining herself for a tree choose tree chain tree chain making chaining a tree

The people united will never be defeated and if you wanted to feed those nasty stains by whitewash whitewash White hey, oh, oh this excess stock has got to go I've got got 16 more. Okay. Johnny's big bust of bargains. No one shall overcome these crazy prices. They're taking a fair rap Pepsi corp, but I just hope in all of that people don't forget the numerous other uses of Pepsi.

You know, you don't just have to drink it. It also removes rust from old spanners. That's true. So, the minimum overnight, it cleans coins. It's an insect killer. If you have ants and you just pour Pepsi down, they'll, it removes the soap. Yeah, yeah.

How much do you just do that out? It is much as pouring water will do it as well. Right. Pouring Pepsi down, well, I mean, they'll rot their teeth for one thing, but it also, and this could be the most important use for it in Trumpies America. Pepsi removes blood from carpets and clothing. If you rub it on it before you put it in the washing machine, that there's a practical use. There's a man who's cleaned up a thousand crime scenes. Oh god. You do it, buddy.

What did you know that? After testing all the products on the market, I found that Pepsi is the most effective. It was my mother. My mother. You can also, if you get chewing gum stuck in your hair, which I find happens increasingly less as I get older. Right.

Why is that? Because in school people used to put, oh my goodness. Hopefully this has come up now. I'm a first bugle. Oh no. Yeah, Pepsi's another that's another great use for us. Right. I like when Kendall and the ad, she does the point where she realizes she has a social conscience as the

the March passes by. And with the back of one hand she wipes off her lipstick and underneath she has other lipstick which is how many layers of lipstick is candle packing on any given day. I just wanted to answer the questions of history, isn't it? You get it off with Pepsi though if she's looking to remove it. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't for all.

Or if you can remove blood then presumably it could remove most household lipsticks. I mean, you are the bugles residents stand up, stay in removal, stay in removal expert. It wasn't the most realistic protest in this advert. I mean, if for realism, they should have had pro Pepsi organizers claiming a turn out of 6.3 million have had pro Pepsi organizers claiming a turn out of 6.3 million. Hopefully it's estimated the crowd at between 35 and 48. And there should have been anti Pepsi complainers saying why aren't these soft drinks snowflakes just vote the other coals out at the ballot boxes that don't like them.

Let's have some realism in our bullshit protest efforts. That perhaps the issue to statement saying they were trying to project global message of unity piece and understanding clearly We miss the mark and we apologize. I mean, I'm not comfortable with it these but for a start unity piece and understanding Oh yesterday's breakfast frankly listen listen to the votes of the people You're an American company America wants division conflicted intolerance, so get that in your Surely Pepsi is responsible for the greatest division of the question of Coca-Cola Pepsi, driving people apart at every restaurant across the world.

The source said they shouldn't have had a celebrity face tied to it if they wanted to try and send a strong message like this. No, they shouldn't. They could have just donated one year's worth of their $6 billion profits. To something that might say equality for all, rather more strongly than a celebrity who gets 400 grand for taking a shit in the right brand of toilet on Instagram. Try to spread dental problems to the right police. They could have given $10,000 to every single homeless person in the USA, clean water for 20 million children with their $6 billion profit. I want to create

equal awe on his current estimated weekly wage. I got a bought Cristiano Ronaldo from Real Madrid and chained him to a radiator for 308 years. Now, I don't know how that would foster unity, peace and understanding, but it would sure as **** get people talking. And can I just raise one point there, which is so the world could be ending before this bugle is uploaded. Yeah, you don't get paid if they're on the get them before it's actually going to read that contract. So no one may ever hear this this bugle then has this ever happened before where there's a possibility of the world ending during a bugle record God, I'm not sure 2011 ashes you weren't paying much attention, Andy

2009 mate 2009 so the world was gonna end if England didn't be the Australian the cricket Is that a similar? It did feel that way you're comparing that to the impending Russia-American war. Yes. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Trump, he's really put the cat among the pigeons there, like having Wily, Kioti and charge of CERN. That's, it's an image. I hope I never, I never forget. I will try to think of that every morning when I wake up now.

In some ways that makes it slightly more reassuring. He's very good at painting. Also in Kendall, the generous defence, a lot of the world's leading protest movements began with a desire for soft drinks, the Russian Revolution, larger about lemonade. Oh no! I never thought I'd be in the same room as one of these. Moses, it's don't want to, it's not the fault, you're not getting the fault. You're not getting the full gambit. Moses is protest against the Egyptians. Very much all about mounting Jew. Oh!

Boom, thin ice, there's an ultraman. I'm allowed to say that. Tom's allowed to do the gays stuff. I'm allowed to do the Jews. You're in my employer's studio, you'll do a less song. He's a bit less laps than I am, I think. The trumpet section now and, well, yeah, it does appear that we are basically on the precipice of global armageddon. It's very hard to not be unbelievably

pessimistic about the entire future of the planet when you look at anything that happens in Syria at the moment. So, at the extraordinary reaction by President Trump to the horrors that have unfolded, saying that it had changed his mind about Syria and Assad and that lines had been crossed, which is a bit like Captain Scott's getting to basically the penultimate day of his polar expedition thinking might be time to put a scarf on. It's very tricky really at this point, holy cow. If it didn't, you know, at this point, I feel like the world did explode. It's so be like she's doing Star Wars and Princess Leia, these are home planet destroyed. She's a bit sad, but part of her is also like, yeah, there's a lot of ourselves.

They're coming. I think that it is Trump's rhetoric that we'll get this through these troubling times. Asked if a sad... Wow, that is a sentence that has never been said before. Congratulations. Thank you. Asked if a sad should step down. Mr. Trump said he's there, and I guess he's running things, so something should happen. Which doesn't fill you with, I say to you, I fell over Americans in these traveling times,

something should happen. I'll get back to you on the specific details. But seriously, we gotta get moving on this in some kind of fashion. I'm not taking any questions, but you know, just good luck with the whole thing. Something should happen, Andy. Yes. Well, he changed his view on Syria. It would appear from previous times when he was Donald Trump,

the man who would obviously never be president of America. Yep. To the man who is actually president. His old take was, it's too far away. Let's just not get involved. That particular take of his. Yes, essentially. Yeah. I think Assad mentioned that Trump didn't win the popular vote and now he's just had a...

Ha ha ha ha. For the right... If this latest atrocity has changed your view of Assad, then either you have been basically avoiding world news for the last six years, saving up for a massive catch-up news binge on television when you get a big game of work strapping, it's going to get funky. Or you're mixing Bashar al-Assad up with the former world snooker champion, Terry Griffith.

Oh, snooker, this is it. But you might think, oh, I can't believe Terry Griffith has done this terrible thing. You always seem like quite a nice, a vunkyler Welshman. But now this, how could the former world number 3 and 11-time crucible quarterfineless have behaved in such a horrible manner? That is... that's... Essentially, the leader of the free world is a cranky goldfish. That is not reassuring. We ask for God's wisdom, said Trump, as we face the challenge of our troubled world.

Yes. Well, I mean, as we face the challenge of our troubled world. Yes. Well, I mean, I think God it would seem he's not been dispensing much of his wisdom over the last what well over 2000 years from a Jewish perspective. I think essentially he probably invented the PlayStation in about 100 BC and since then has been locked in a shed playing Thragmotha destroyer three turns of the never dead. Sport now and well, golf is happening in Augusta, Augusta Masters. Tom, you can check out for this, but I mean, he's right. There's always been sinister undertones to golf. You know, even going right back Hitler had his underground bunker where he would practice his splash wedge shots during the war, trying to get that little bit of backspin in there. It's the first major of the year.

And so the favorites fell down stairs, slipped in socks, damaged his back. Yeah. Dustin Johnson won't be playing. That's a disappointing sport again, general. Full bounce upstairs. The non-Golfing buglers may know the masters. It's the one where if you win, you get a green jacket. They put a green jacket on you. But this is the first year that the masters are sponsored by the upmarket paint brand Farrow and Ball. So the green jacket has been

renamed the Gangrene dreams, Jagas. Similarly, that was another band I was in. In this July's Tour de France, this Farrow and Ball also sponsoring it. The yellow jersey will be known as the custard regrets. Seriously. I admire the level of bullshit you brought to this podcast, David. You were fitted in singularly. Here's the fact about Augusta, you know, the 11th, 12th, 13th hole known as Amen Corner. Name, do you know what it's the origin of the name? Amen Corner is. I don't know the origin. It's named after the list of people who were allowed to be members of the Augusta National. Amen. And And sadly the other part of the course, forming redevelopment in the 1970s, the I think, whole 6, 7, 8s part of the

course, formerly known as B-White, is no longer that long of there. The Masters has a proud history of leading golfers pulling out for odd reasons, Kirk Triplett, genuine name. That is a genuine golfer's name. It's up there with Tokyo, thanks. Well, nearly Fred Funk was my favorite golfer in the next paragraph. Sorry about Kirk Triplett missed the 07 Masters after putting Augusta in his sat nav and ending up 8,000 kilometers off course in Italy at the tomb of the first century martyr, central

gustor of Trevis. Fred Funk missed the 84 masters after rupturing his Clurshary Lombard Dorset muscle attempting to live up to his name with some deep funk dance moves on the first tee to get the crowd on side. Whilst Flever odd plucked the third, missed the 1975 masters after landing the role of Nebuchadnezzar,

in the hit high budget medium core pornographic stage musical Babes of Babylon, whilst Leon Ed Braziniath I've pulled out of the 1968 tournament due to being leader of the Soviet Union. Further back, Chicago gangster Louis Gini, the claw mortar deli, was chased off the 12th T in 1952 by FBI agents. After kidnapping three time champion Jimmy Demarrett and playing in his place, Gulf obsessed mortar deli, renowned for his roles in the Glampe II Canberra, the 1947 Clipike vegetable market robbery, which saw the abduction

of over 400 pumpkins in a metric ton of carrots. I'd always dreamed of playing major championship golf, but after posing as Demaret in the opening round, suspicions were aroused when he ceded a 42 over par front nine, before his caddy fired a machine gun into the air on the 10th tee and stole a playing partner Ben Hogan's pitching wedge. See what I mean, golf is boring. And back in 38s, early in the Masters history, America's hercoc Fertival, withdrew on the morning of the final round after getting his hand stuck in a tortoise. Fertival renowned for his slow play, potted a ball on the practice green into the tortoise, Jeanette, then of course owned by the Redding Champion, Byron Nelson. The tortoise being the traditional prize for winning the Masters back in those golf days before the Green Jacket was introduced.

They used to paint the Champions face on one of the scoops of the tortoises shell. Fertigal tried to retrieve his ball from Jeanette's neck hole, but got his golf hand firmly stuck in the golf tortoise. And after attempting a tee off on the first with a fully grown adult tortoise on his left hand, whilst being abused in distinctly non-oguster compliant language, by a weeping Nelson Furt Evolve pulled out. Jeanette famously was a founding tortoise of Augusta. She used to lay her eggs in the sandgune on the site of the famous course, and local farbers in the 1880s would chip the eggs out of the sand with a matric, and that's the origin and the bunker shop. Oh, done. It's been a look.

What was the hang on? Well, Kim Jong Un's father. Yeah. What was his drum? Jong Il. Yeah, drumber his golf is amazing. Got golf statistics. He got all hills and ones. Once, yeah, pity he couldn't take on Trump because Trump he is, while his vibe has changed re-series, it's also changed re-playing Garfell a lot as the president. So if those two could shoot it out then maybe the idea of North Korean bombs falling off the coast of China wouldn't be as frightening as it is to me. Quick email now from the your emails section do keep me do keep me coming into hello bugle is at the bugle podcast.com from Simon Rogerson Who writes dear Andy Chris and whoever

I'm so hello hello whoever's Catherine of Valois was hot Henry the fifth new it Oh and Tudor knew it Shakespeare knew knew it, Samuel Peap's new and I know it, she was born in 1401 to encouraging stock her father was Charles VI the France better known as Charles the mad and in 1421 Henry the Fifth England invaded France so that he could rattle her and according to Shakespeare she responds by unleashing a filthy speech that would get Chris or in this case Tom the producer, bleeping away if he tried to broadcast it. Now, I know you guys have listened to the show a bit in the early days, we did Hotties, please.

Oh yeah, absolutely. And I'm proudest moment. It's become a tradition for new bugle guests. You have to share your historical crushes as you come on the show. So I mean, who, you know, from deep back in the annals of humanity who would who gets your well going right back to medieval times yeah when Christianity in Ireland hadn't really established there was still half mixture of the old pagan religions and then the Christianity

a lot of all medieval churches would have directly over the entrance a Sheelan the Gig, which is a stone lady with her legs spread right apart. And what can only be described as huge flaps, which always got me a little bit interested anyway. What is this religion business all about? And then I found with some old pagan cardiology. All right. Can I say huge flaps on the bugle?

You just do. Yes. Yeah. Apparently so. Ha, ha, ha. Tom, it's got to be Adam for me. Going right back. Right back.

Yeah. Adam Scott, the Australian golfer, one of the favorites for the Master. No, enough goals. You cannot have a Hottie from history who is alive. Oh, okay. That is a basically, I think you've got to be, Tom, can you remember the rule? Because you were there and the Hottie from history days, of course. I believe I came up with it, but I'm not going to. Was it, really? Yes. Was it, I think, minimum 30 years dead, I think? Yeah, it had to be far back just in case there were any Evolusivity didn't touch yeah, so you're going with Adam well I mean I just think it was the first one you know got a bit of taking his time there

He always had that little leaf I was little right so and so yeah I think we all desperately wanted to see what was going on under there right You know don't be ashamed out there's literally no one to compare it to so it's like everyone's gonna be like that small yeah ashamed of it. There's literally no one to compare it to. So it's all like everyone's going to be like, that's small. Yeah. He had a USB port. Really? Yeah. Apple didn't want to ironically. Apple. Probably worth it. It's fun. But is your heading for mystery, Andy? Ah, just too many to imagine. I can't. I can't. Florence, no, I think you're right. Florence, no, I think I was the real one that kicked it all. Oh, sorry. Can I just focus while we finish this podcast?

Thank you very much for coming. It's been a delight having you both on. You are both doing shows at this wonderful comedy festival. Would you like to plug them to our listeners, Tom, where you've got doing a couple of shows, aren't you? Yeah, I'm doing a show called Problematic. That's my stand-up show. That's on most nights.

And I'm doing one off of my little comedy lecture about Australia's trip to refugees. Laugh a minute, that. On Saturday, 22nd of April at 5pm at the comedy theatre. And Tom will also be appearing in the first ever live-ugal. Next, Sunday, the 16th. David, plumber away. Doing Australian tour at the moment of my show, Big Time.

And then while I'm here in Melbourne I write children's books as well. The way me not sell many after this appearance The book is called Dangerous Everywhere. I'm gonna do some kids shows too. Yes, well I saw it yesterday with my very star-struck kids And my show is Belvin Town Hall with a bit of the end of nearly works Rest of it's going fine. How did it go last night? Ah, I can't see anything.

It's nearly there, nearly. Really? I'll finish it in just after I get home. Yeah. Thank you very much to the ABC for hosting us in their studios and for broadcast fans, which I assume you are. If you're listening to this, why not check out Burn Your Pots Borts with Nazim Hussein and the Tokyo Hotel and the other ABC comedy podcasts.

Thank you for listening, Bueglers. Until next time, when I will be joined by Sammy Schaar and Alice Fraser. Goodbye. Thank you.