The Bugle - Bugle 4024 – Fart jokes for the Taliban

Episode Date: April 14, 2017

Andy is joined by Sami Shah and Alice Fraser for a look at the week's news, including Sean Spicer's latest Hitler bantz. Including – why he should become a porn star. Plus, Pauline Hanson's eggcellent adventure. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Audio newspaper for a visual world. MUSIC

Hello, BUGLEOOS! And welcome to edition 4,024 of the Buglely World's leading resource of objectively undisprovable truthfulness for the week ending Friday the 14th of April 2017. Yes, another week in the bank without Armageddon as we record, we are recording on Wednesday this week, so that may have changed. If you are listening to this whilst floating through the universe amidst the wreckage of a one's great planet, then well enjoy the show. I'm Andy Zoltzmann, holder of the world record for most appearances ever on a podcast beginning with the book and ending with Eugle. Records are made to be broken, though,

and setting out on the path to try to catch me up. Are two more newcomers to the Bugle roster? Firstly, the first Bugle co-host who fulfills all of the following criteria. One, not a man. Two, not a blood relative of me. Three, not on the run from the International War crimes tribunal. And four, not a covert member of the Bolivian Secret Services. Most previous co-hosts have maxed out at two from four, some only one, previous record,

three. But hitting the full house from I Australia, B, the T with Alice Podcast and C comedy festivals all across the No Universe, it's Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, how are you? I'm very well, thanks Alice. It's great to have you on the beautiful thing. I'm excited. Yes.

I'm excited to be the first lady when I heard I was almost semi-shar. I thought you might be Mike Pinting me. All right. But then I heard last week and I was like, ah, it's a new custom. Right, yes. And you were just to set what we were chatting offer

in a glamour show, which was why that you have in your venue here at Melbourne Festival, a terracotta warrior. I do, I'm in the Chinese Museum. Yes, is that in your radar, like your requirements and all your shows? Yeah, I want some like 15th century Jade Statuary and really bad acoustic stats. That's my requirements. Also, on Beagle debut, whose voice you may just have heard,

let's play Spot the Lion, as we did with last week's bugle debutants, one lie from this list, comedian, radio presenter, author, nominee for the coveted Taliban's least favourite comedian award, and the world's highest-grossing Miley Cyrus impersonator. It's Sami Shah! I do a wicked Miley Cyrus. That's a clue that I'm going to give people right now. My wrecking ball, wreck spaces.

Yes. Sam, you are originally from Pakistan. That's right. How long have you been in Australia? In Australia, I moved here in 2012. So yeah, little five years. Yes. Survived it so far. Right.

And the story of how you came to Australia, yes. Well, not something that any previous Google co-host has experienced. We don't know for sure. I mean, we don't know where Nish started off in, but yeah, I was in Pakistan. I was a comedian and doing the Joke jokes and some of them grabbed members of the Taliban the wrong way.

And I don't take a joke. It's an actual interaction I had once. So I was on Twitter and the Taliban had just threatened the Pakistani television channels because they were criticizing them. And I went on Twitter like any idiot and said, oh the Taliban complaining about Pakistani TV is like my grandfather saying there's nothing good on TV anymore. Dumb joke, whatever. The spokesperson for the Taliban, his name is Esanullah Esan.

He's a real guy on Twitter. His Twitter profile used to be him on a horse. Which is the same as my Tinder profile, interestingly. And him on a horse. And he tweets at me and goes, yes, but our old people have exothermic reactions. Which is a suicide bomber reference. Right. I treated back at him and said you haven't been around my grandfather after he has

beans for breakfast and then he tweets why don't you come over and do that joke in person and I realize I'm about to trade fart jokes with the Taliban, which is a sentence no one should ever have to say in their life. Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't know death threats were so like middle school. But at the same time, I, like, this was scariest. A lot of my friends were like, he's kind of funny. I'm like, no, no, let's not humanize him.

Let's not. Also, joining us once again, and Interim producer Tom. I kind of feel a bit shame face that the last week it come up with was hot issue mystery and Sam is trading far jokes with a talent. Let's take a commitment to satire. 105 years ago, this coming Friday, 14th, the Titanic inflicted minor damage on a rather cocky looking iceberg

with its trademark Bergshan to move, which declined in popularity in shipping circles shortly afterwards. This week, apparently hundreds of icebergs who once again flooding these shipping lanes off Newfoundland, the little shit. Take a look at the global warming stats losers, you are going down. We are going to melt the shit out of you sips sinking bandits. It's taken a while, but vengeance for the Titanic is a dish best served not quite as cold as it used to be. Also on 1865, the 14th of April was the day that celebrity American Shakespearean actor John Wilkes Booth rather scuppet his own chances of being cast in many more blockbusters smash hit stage productions by casting himself as himself in the man who assassinated Abraham Lincoln. Gotta feel a bit sorry for

Booth's agent. John, this really is not doing anything for your career. I wonder if his agent took 15% of the gems in. On the 12th of April, as we're recording today Wednesday, the 12th of April 1992, Euro Disney opened. That was, of course, one of the lesser known clauses of the Treaty of Versailles in 1919, allowing Americans to send people to Europe in giant mouse outfits whenever they wanted. Woodrow Wilson insisted on it. One of the non-negotiables in his 14 points, he thought it might help Americans still European cheese secrets and improve the quality of American cheese.

We are recording early this week on a Wednesday. Possibly, I think the first ever Wednesday bugle record in history, old Wodeon, of course, the ancient Germanicos Norse godhunk, who invented the third day of the week, pivotal third day back in the year, satchinal Viking idea, whatever. Filled what had been a very awkward 24 hour hiatus

between Tuesday night and Thursday morning. And Wednesday is on average his effects, the naughtiest day of the week, being as it is the furthest from the likelihood of divine Sabbath-based retribution. Is that where it's got a hump there? I like how you said that was a fact. Yeah, well, you, I mean, is it? How can anyone, no one can disprove it these days. The only truthful thing is Andy's said is his name. LAUGHTER Ever. Don't give away my secrets. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, because, Tom, you are heading off camping tomorrow. I don't. I've done a special section in the bin camping section, including we talk to ten of the world's leading architects about why human beings invented the solid roof. Flushing toilets in a heated building versus hole in the ground filled with straw during a rainstorm. You decide which provides the better cryptic crossword solving possibilities. We ask, is it time to accept that the industrial revolution happened and stop spending weekends in a field, basically trying to de-evilute

back into the underfell? And also, we look at how to have quality family time, whilst hammering surprisingly bendable metal pegs into the cruel, cruel, unyielding earth, swearing at the vagaries of physics and being assaulted by an absolute, visigothic maraudment of wasps. That section in the Havill Lovely Weekend Tom. I'll go back to you next week on how it goes, but I agree with all of them. Top story this week. Coral bleaching is catching on, it seems. It turns out that basically two thirds of the unbleached portion of the Great Biodreft can now consider itself bleached.

That's basically been a change in its status. Look, scientists are saying this is a disaster and it's deplorable and it means the death of the great Bayerif, but we have to consider another aspect of this. Right. I'm from Pakistan and in India and Pakistan, skin bleaching is a very popular thing. We've got products called fair and lovely for women and fair and handsome for men. And they exist because, you know, the British colonized that part of the world ages ago and it forced a very different beauty standard. My grandmother used to love me more than my sister

because I was slightly fairer, like 7% fairer than my sister. Do you have that much answer? Do you have that measured? Oh, it's very careful. You're very measured. Your job requirements involve that, that. And the thing to remember is that the great barrier reef is off the coast of Queensland. It's close enough to the gold coast that's subject to the same kind of intense body pressures, you know, bleaching of teeth,

anuses, a whole lot. There's nothing the coastal housewives want to bleach. You've gone with the anal bleaching very early on. It's kind of like all in guard. Well, yeah, that's I think that's just all it comes down to. It comes down to the choral part of the grid barrier. You've succumbed into Western standards of idealized beauty. So you're essentially saying that the scientists are shade shaming the corals. Absolutely. And we should, you know, in fact,

CO2 rights activist, Gretton Flage, who is the bio-D diversification spokesperson, the anti-environment pressure groups blutter world. He said, let the corals go for that trendy faded look if they want who the fuck are we to tell the corals that they have to look the way society expects them to look. If our humans are out of bleach our hairs, skin, clothes, toilets, or anuses,

let's throw that into the list, then we can't tell the reef is not allowed to do the same. So, there we go. To be frank, I'm glad the Great Barrier Reef is dying because I think there's too many or inspiring natural wonders in the world. I mean, I don't have time to be struck with the incredible beauty of our biological environment.

I can't even keep up with Netflix. So, it's gonna make Australia a more efficient economic nation if people are spending less time face down in the sea snorkeling going, wow, look at that. Yeah, exactly. So, this is a great boost for the Australian economy. You can lose bit from tourism but everyone's going to work a lot more. Yeah, where's the

entertainment value in coral? Right. Yeah. There's no kind of hot pounding serial narrative there. Yeah, it's old school. Coral, please bring something more, bring a plot element at least, Coral. There is one plot element, we keep blaming the humans. It turns out, it's not our fault entirely. Starfish, deserves a certain portion of the blame. They call the crown of thorn starfish and they ravaged the great bayarif by smothering and eating coral tissue. And now scientists have found, and this is real thing,

that you can use the pheromones responsible for drawing starfish together to kind of push the staffish away from the great barrier reef. Because that work is a repulsive aspect and pull them away to other areas. Oh, I see. So you just need to hone the staffish. Basically. You can save the planet.

Which I feel like this is a modern take on the ancient Greek play like a strata, where basically it's about denying sex to starfish to prove that the starfish v. Coral war needs to end. I mean, they're luring starfish into massive orgies for science. I don't believe it's for science. I'll believe that. That's just a burvy scientist who's watching stuff. I cannot erase the afternoon when my brother's teenage friends decided to introduce me to Japanese tentacle hen time. I know how weird people get about C-Low. Yeah, I can't believe that it's for science. From an outsider's perspective, I've got a admire Australia on this, this bare face balls, or this, basically Australia, famously stands on the shore of what is basically the biggest island in the world, a land with the lowest density of population per square kilometer of arable land of any nation in the world, let's stretch it, any nation in the known universe, and that is according to no less a source than Wikipedia, so it's a fact.

And they say, despite all this land, to people desperately kicking into the press members of existence and a boat, that there is no room. And at the same time, it can mark the release of the latest report on the environmental devastation brought upon one of the world's greatest jewels of nature. By flogging, what can only be described as an inflatable grandmother load of coal to India, and claiming that is going to be good for the environment. Well done Australia. I had more of that level of bare-faced balls. We don't do things by half measures here. The one of the important things that you learn when you become an Australian. I mean you are Australian. I've had to learn the culture and

tradition here and one of the big parts of the culture and tradition is you bullshit. You're unblinkingly. Just without like, you're just basically like, no man has existed in Australia before the British came here. And then you hold eye contact until the other person leaves. That's how it works. It's beautiful. I've got a plan to pump cold water on

to slow down the bleaching, which is basically like standing in a house fire pouring a cup of water onto your wallet. Like, sure, you're preserving some of the values, but the whole house is on fire. What the fuck are you doing? There has been a backlash against the Great Barrier Reef. Some are claiming that the reef is a hoax. Donald Trump has just tweeted that he's read on info walls that the Great Barrier Reef is made of Lego bricks. There are kind of a range of reactions as to how big an issue this is. Ranging from a holy shit, this is the harbinger of a global mass extinction that's going to make the dinosaurs look like they're alive and well. Via this is an irreversible destruction of one

of the greatest and most beautiful mega treasures of nature to our most knorkeling holiday is going to be slightly compromised. The thing to remember is people don't kill Carl, people kill Carl. And stuffish, or he starfish. But yeah, we just need an election campaign. We need to make the barrier reef great again, to trend on Twitter, and we'll be fine. Alice, I don't know. Is there any hope for the reef? Can we, I mean, because some scientists have said that,

you know, it's now too late to fix it? Well, I think what we need to do is put a positive spin on this situation, because I think a lot of people are too worried about the, you know, other nationalities coming in and mixing up our beautiful white Australia, at least where somewhere we're increasing the white population of a small year. One way to solve it would be the invention of a time machine, but we're still, some way from being able to turn back time despite the best efforts of the British and American electorates. Even if we did manage to get back in time, we'd still run into the same problems

that have held back environmental efforts over the past few decades, which is essentially people saying, yeah, whatever. I think the important thing is that we are taking back Australia one delicate microclimate at a time. Right. Some people are claiming that it's just a natural thing that coral lives, coral dies.

And I think it is natural if you consider human predation natural. Yes. But that's like saying when you murder someone that it's a natural thing because they live and they die. Yeah, I'm just accelerating the process and saving everyone's time. Yeah. Eventually everything dies. It's just helping entropy along.

That's all. Well, thanks for lighting the mood sound. Eventually we're all going to die. Happy listening, people. That's my next friend, show. Some time travel news is breaking. The obviously fictitious sci-fi entrepreneur, Elon Musk. Recently, in the search for time travel, apparently accidentally turned his new prototype frictionless hope-powered car into a donkey whilst his lesser-known rival, Pilar Snork CEO of Inevax, who we've reported on on the Google previously, Inevax, of course, the high-tech startup that's set to launch life-changing products such as the Wi-Fi, the first 4G enabled campfire, you might know that I'm here weekend, a literal analogistical hotspot, which gives you

internet above 250 degrees Celsius. And the hologram, the first holographic elderly relative with matzmarked functionality. Snork claims that a breakthrough in time travel technology is imminent, possibly even as soon as 150 years ago. Oh, exciting. LAUGHTER MUSIC The trumpet section now, and there is at large currently and I'm sure you would agree.

The general sense that a tinderbox world in an age of cantankafield politics needs a trump administration in the same way that a clogged artery needs a series of winds in a when a decade supply of deep-fried well-blubber sausages competitions. And that's been exacerbated just today. What this week by Sean Spicer, the president's chosen conduit of verbal pandemonium policy befuddlements, malinformative flobuels of propaganda clod and assorted world shivering pseudo-presidential horseshit. And he managed to break rules one to a hundred of the beginner's guide to when not to make comparisons to Hitler.

Rule one is, of course, ever. Don't ever make comparisons to Hitler. Rule two is, seriously, ever. It is at best flamboyantly inadvisable and at worst blatantly unnecessary. I can't go through the full hundred, but others in the list are rule 12. Do not make comparisons to Hitler whenever there's a microphone near your face.

Rule 27, whenever you're talking out loud. Rule 32, if the year is any time after, say, 1933, rule 46, when thinking about something Hitler quotes, didn't do that someone not very nice is now doing. Because A, if Hitler didn't do it, that's probably because he was too busy doing stuff. It was equally or more horrific. B, because if you suggested it to him and he hadn't done it yet, he would probably have said, yeah, that sounds right in my **** done,

I'm gonna give it a spin. And because C, he probably did **** do it. Rules 52 to 100, C rule 1, ever. Don't do it ever. And supplementary rule number 101, when your own initials are, well well what Sean Spicer's own initials Extraordinary that you know horrific events in Syria He said even Hitler did not use chemical weapons. It was just it was kind of Hitler's thing

Kind of bit like saying Elf wasley wasn't really that much into music. If you ask people, one of the two things you know Hitler for, one of them is obviously hotel room paintings, and the other one is using chemical weapons. He's using chemical weapons. What is he going to do, like back off it by saying, well at least Hitler had the good grace to put him in a box first, Like what is he doing with his mouth? It's not allowed. Oh well, at least then when he's not in an important job like, for example,

the mouthpiece for the leader of the free world. Well, thank you Mr Spice of saving me four years of coffee expenditure because I will not be able to sleep whilst you or your boss are in your current jobs. The time he defended, he did try to defend the statement by saying it had been written in part by a Jewish staff member whose family members had survived the Holocaust. And as somebody who is half Jewish,

all of me is offended by that. Yes, I mean, you would have hoped that even as the verbal self-awaste or warm on his tongue, Spicer was thinking, oh, whoops, I've just clunked rule one, and at least, he didn't let go of that either. There was a follow-up statement, you know, obviously as we know in the world of PR

when you make a gaff, you correct it. That man must have an amazing gag reflex. Will his foot that far into his throat? Well, he took that foot from his throat and then pushed it further down into his solar pleasure. He's got a career in pornography. What kind of pornography do you watch? Like tentacles? Go places. He said, and I quote here, I think when you come to Saren gas, there was no, he was not

using the gas on his own people the same way that Ashad was. He bought them into the Holocaust centers. And I understand that. Of course, Holocaust centers are where you go to buy your affordable Holocaust. It's Easter right now. So we have a two for one special going on. He wasn't using his own paper. Oh my god. He's a holocaust. There's a whole new form of holocaust denialism, where they're not denying that it happened. Now they're denying the wording of how to describe it, not concentration camps, holocaust centers. And and and he called, of course, today as as is a Sean Spicer tradition. He called Assad Asshad. The only name he's gotten right to date is Hitler, actually. Well, he's actually just early publicity for his new spin-off fast food restaurant,

Arbeitmacht Prize. Top marks. You have come in with final bleaching and a Nazi pun. Strong day. I just made an unjust den with Adam Ion here, the very police in my sense. If I were you, I would drop that mic right now. Perhaps you don't know, Ms. Spicer,

is essentially a carrot chunk chundered into public consciousness, but in violent reverse peristals, so that the group of America America's democracy last year. Oh, there are a lot of people don't know much about what Spicer was doing before he sprang into global awareness in the Trump administration. So to fill in those backstory gaps, here is the official life story of Sean Spicer up until the election of Trump. 8th of November 2016, vomited directly from the guts of Satan. There you go, that's November 2016 vomited directly from the guts of Satan. There you go. That's having fact checked here, but in that regard, he started it and it feels right.

So in new Australia breaking racism news, our famous comeback politician, Pauline Hansen, like the boy band Hansen, but worse, genuinely worse, has... When you say comeback politician, where exactly did she come back from? From politics and then she went to jail and then she came out and is now back in politics, sort of replaying her old hits, just changing out the word Asians for the word Muslims for the most part. I mean, that's like... No.

Well, it depends on what part of Asia you're from. The thing about Pauline Hanson is you have to know is that firstly, she's basically Australia's version of Trump and, or Nigel Farage, but less successful yet somehow more racist. And her phrasing was, back in the day, Australia has been swamped by Asians. Yes. So that was her early, her early hit. Her early catchphrase. She's coded into the public consciousness like a ball of gizent to your eye.

And just when you were finally blinking it out, she came in the other eye. She came in the other eye. With we are now to be swamped by Muslims. Yes, so it was swamped by Asians now swamped by Muslims. On the bright side, it shows that she does believe in recycling. Even if she doesn't believe in climate change, that she's, you know, taken the next step in her ongoing quest

to be the cartoon version of a bigot dreamed up by someone writing a children's book about the little racists who could, she's been recommending that people buy non-halal Easter eggs. Where, you know, I think is a good start. I think we should all avoid all foods unintentionally or intentionally halal, like bread, apples, hummus and water. The Easter eggs are actually a topic in the division between Christianity and Islam, with

Islam diverging violently from Christianity on the topic of whether Jesus could be divine and do a poo at the same time. So Easter eggs represent the role of Jesus as a man doing poo, but divine in the poo as chocolate. Oh, right. So that isn't the Easter egg that I'm not heard. There was a big argument within Christianity over whether or not the Easter egg represents the actual testicles of Christ, or merely a pair of symbolic messiables.

But, you know, there's always different ways of reading the scriptures. I mean, we can get into like Bible class later if you want to have a theological argument. One of the biggest controversies I've heard is that Jews and Muslims don't like Easter, largely because the Easter Bunny isn't circumcised, is our problem, which is. But all blessedly aside, it is important to preserve this country's Christian traditions of stealing other people's traditions and then refusing to let other people have them back. You're half Jewish?

I'm a halfie. So my family history is my dad's side. It was Jewish, my mom's side was Catholic. They met in the late 70s, so I was born and brought up Buddhist. Right, and that's an average. Oppressed, repressed, and depressed. That's...

I have all of the things. I have all of the neuroses of the Jews and the guilt of the Catholics, but I am at one with it. Oh, as as Bugles, when I'm an extremely devout second-generation lapsed you and at Easter, I don't like to eat the Easter egg. I like to eat a chocolate guilty verdict. What school is Pauline Hansen has gone on to then endorse up like she so she said do not

eat cat breed chocolate because cat breed is halal but lint however is non-halal on Easter and so eat lint which now makes lint sound like it's anti-muslim which I don't know if you guys know this but the in one of the big things that happened in Australia in 2014 was an ISIS-inspired madman took over the Lint Cafe in Sydney. And I was wondering whether maybe Lint thought that the attack was because he hated Lint, as opposed to other things about Australia, and therefore now they're anti-Hallal. So that could be... How do you make chocolate non-Hhalaldeas rubber pig on it?

What's that? I don't know what better way to do. Or is that in one of your weird films? Oh my dad's gonna listen to this. LAUGHTER BUZZER X-Men in Indonesia news now. That is a headline we've not had on this.

That's right. Here's the thing. The bugle is very sports heavy, but as a geek I've always felt it was missing the comic book news update. Right. Okay. And so I bring you that now. Okay.

Alright. So if you thought X-Men apocalypse was bad, this is generating more controversy than the Cyclops and Wolverine War, we shout out to my comic fans. An Indonesian comic book artist, Ardean Seyaf, who's the artist for the new comic book X-Men Gold, has been criticized for having hidden some political references in the background

of several panels of the comic, most of which are against Jews and Christians. Right. And he's even got one of several panels of the comic, most of which are against Jews and Christians. He's even got one of the panels where a Jewish character, Kitty Pride, is standing with the word Jew next to her head. There's a quotation from the Quran, which is the symbol for that quotation is on someone's t-shirt, and that's the portion where they criticize Jews and Christians, and he refused to apologize and said that you know he was inspired by these protests happening in Indonesia right now and here's what we have to understand as comic book fans that that I read comic books to get to escape

from the world of politics and all those things and in Indonesia there's been a lot of controversy there's been a massive corruption scandal creating a veritable of war, a true mist sinister implications. A misty sinister and X-Men villain war. Yellow card. It turns out that two civil war servants tried pulling the wool over in one's eyes. You're wearing my clothes. I just have to. I just have to. One or two more in the number.

I have to. All right. By embezzling money from the identity card system, they stole over $170 million in their rogue scheme. Rogue, obviously, that was an easy one. I apologize. I didn't even try there. I've gone rogue gambit but I know I know I know I That is fair that is absolutely fair it was described by newspapers and even in one Mag as Nito my Nito I'll stop now right I'm gonna start across where I don't know

you're literally I don't know my comic book reference is pretty much maxed out at Roy of the Rovers, which is the 1980s British football-based comic strip. That's because I had a sport in it, aren't I? Yeah, exactly. But if you do read it backwards, it contains coded messages calling for a far-right armed revolution. Whilst the hit girl's comic character, Bunty, the eponymous heroine of the magazine, Bunty, called for the overthrow of the patriarchy and the phased extermination of all men if you read it upside down in a

strong Mexican accent. I mean, other secret f*** off messages in art include the secret warnings about the Illuminati riddled through playboy. Some pretty dire warnings about the Japanese and the shadows created by Warhol's soupcans and a rude message to Michelangelo's ex-wife just behind where God's finger touches man's in the cysteine chap. Not to mention the gay subtext of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. In this instance, I mean Frankenstein the doctor, not Frankenstein's monster. Though I think you'll find the real monster is actually the doctor. No, the real monster is the person who gets annoyed about

kind of pedantic, astro-edifics. It's got very high for loot, doesn't it? We can go back to Octo porn if you want. In other fictional conflict news, there's been a computer game that has become a bit of a hit in Bangladesh, which is a computer game based on Bangladesh's extremely horrific 1971 war against Pakistan. Well, war of independence. Yes, it should point out. So, yeah, independence war, which is still basically shaped Bangladesh politics today. In some ways, you look at this and you think, well, this seems too recent to be making computer games that are, I'm unsure, there's Vietnam and the right war games as well. But let's look on the positive side. I think computer games can help people stop holding these centuries-long grudges. Because I look at Grand Theft Auto, for example, which was launched in 1997, the first Grand Theft Auto, a game in which fundamentally you have to drive cars

as irregular as possible and commit violent crime. And in the 20 years since Grand Theft Auto has existed, road deaths in Britain have halved and violent crime has come down. So basically, these computer games are giving people an outlet for their fury or, in this case, historical resentments that then no longer spills out. I mean, it's only the BBC that invented a computer game in the 1970s, and they look

it doesn't matter, but I mean... And also, this way, space invaders, huge in the 1980s, space invaders games, and not one single alien invasion of Earth, since, clearly, they're seeing how good they are. They are fearful of a generation of warriors honed to perfection. But I think you're right. The concern is the gap between the war and the video game of the war is shrunk too much

because now we have Iraq war games and everything. And I'm just wondering whether the current wars are actually being created by big video game. I mean, that's how do we know Syria isn't happening because Mrs. Pac-Man wants to come back. How do you know that your Xbox isn't linked up to an actual drone? Well, now that's just got real.

That's just got real. I feel like we're one step away from that glorious future I saw in a bad teen post-apocalypse episode of 90s adventure serial sliders. You're right. Everyone does all their fighting online and it at least the extinction of the human race because people are too busy playing video games to bang. Right. On a way that's real life.

That's one other war related computer game just out this week. You tracked big hit this selling several million copies in all countries. The year is 1713. Britain, Spain, France, Portugal, the Dutch Republican pressure have been at war for more than a decade. Can you negotiate a treaty that was secure, peace in Europe for all time? What a game this is.

Unbelievable. I mean, this is my beef with war games. It's all about the fighting and never about the aftermath. And you trekked you starting to rectify that balance. The next year, Versailles coming out, that is going to be awesome. MUSIC Sports news now, two extremely old cricketers from Pakistan are retiring, including Pakistan Captain Mizbah Al-Hak,

who has led Pakistan through one of the most testing periods of its Cricketing history for in the match fixing scandal and a period when they've not been able to play at home to be fair that's most of Pakistan's Captions have led them through the most testing periods of bugfunding cricket in history, but my particular Disappoint with this is that Mizbar Alrel Hack is basically the only top level sportsman still active who is not a golfer who is older than me. So your dreams are becoming a top level cricketer? I mean, you're looking at me, the Bondi Waverly under 12 was most improved player.

Right. In cricket? Yeah, in cricket. Right. So in what in cricket? Yeah, in cricket. Right. Why would I? Yeah. I mean, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good,

good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, strict. Everything is even your immigration, so do you have a point-space immigration system? Everything makes you look useful. So, I mean, and how was your cricket career gone since then?

Alison's work. You know, so far, I sort of kept it up with regular practices. Regular, we just say every Christmas. All right. All the way a bit of backyard cricket and badly. Right. With Santa Claus or... With set... Oh, we didn't, my Santa Claus was my Jewish granny.

Oh right. That was an old Dolly poem. Sammy, you're quite a cricket fan. I'm a cricket fan. A cricket fan. You're never enough of a cricket fan when you're a Pakistan. You're more cricket fan than you. And you're never enough of a cricket fan when you're Pakistan. You could always have one more cricketer faner than you. And you're never enough of a cricket fan when you're on this podcast. That's right. But a UNIS,

UNIS, come on, a Pakistan's best ever players. The big tragedy here is that UNIS and MISBA together have always been this great kind of batting duo. And we're going to lose that. Now we're going to lose this great pairing. Together they've been like a pairing as iconic as, for example, wickets with bails or curried eggs with lettuce or a joint pain antigobomb or

or the pants and legs. So yeah, I think we're gonna lose out on a great pairing now. Eric and they have a great future ahead of them as a commentary chain, the Statler and World, all for Pakistani cricket. I reckon they have a great future ahead of them as a commentary team, the Stattler and Waldolf of Pakistan and Krakis. Your emails and this comes in from Dylan who writes merch, question mark, since the bugle reformation. I'm having to put the relaunch of the bugle up there with the reformations that changed the face of Europe in the mid-second session. But that was just Europe. But does that mean you're now going to embrace logic? I spent most of my life avoiding that, Alice. I do not even make me think about it.

We did have to nail a baseball cap with you and John and the logo on it to Vittenberg's church door. Since the bugle reformformation, I've had trouble finding merchandise, and I'm getting desperate. Well, yeah, I mean, just learn to live with it, Dylan. That's my suggestion. I'm booked to see Andy in Auckland. Oh, thank you for mentioning that, Dylan. That gives me a chance to crowbar in my weekly plug.

All my shows have got another, well, we can half by the time you listen to the Melbourne Festival do come along. The two live bugle shows, the two Sundays, the 16th and 23rd of April, then Sydney, 24th of the 27th, then Auckland for two nights, 28th and two nights in Wellington on the 30th and 1st of May. So consider those gigs all plugged. Anyway, Dylan says, I'm put to the Andy in Auckland. And if I don't have merchandise then he might have to sign my moobs. And no one wants to do that. Moobs being... It's a New Zealand bird. It's a very rare bird. Oh, it is. Yes, yes. Sam is pulling a chain. He means the man, the man the man the male

oops So then boobs are the What are the beasts and floor lady? Oh silly me This is if you were a ruthless commercial operator This would be where you'd plug the vehicles website where they presumably can get met You can't get much, but it's all, old merch with some other guys face on it.

Forget his name. No Christmas jumper's on it. That's a rubbish guy. That's a regular blistin' boy with a, you wrote it in cast of, yeah. You just need a rotating thing of this face. If you put all the guests who've been on the Beagle so far, put all their faces in, like, overlaid them them and then take an average exactly like John Oliver's face.

I had the feminine edge. I'm on the bugle website right now. There's no merch button there. Oh right. Oh, we must have run out. Anyway, it'll come at some point. You know, I always get around to these very important commercial things within a decade We have to wrap this up, Alice, Sammy, please

Let the boys and girls know where they can see your your shows or listen to your other works I am performing at the Melbourne Fringe Fest, Melbourne Comedy Festival as well I have by the time this comes out one week of shows left at the Moltaus Theatre. It's called Bunching Down, and it is an hour of comedic stuff. I have a show, it's called Empire, and it is in Melbourne till the end of the festival at the Chinese Museum at 9.30, and then I will be in Sydney, and then in Perth, and then in Edinburgh at various appropriate times. There you go, consider those plugs plugged. Tom, enjoy your camping! I won't but thanks

I'll see you on Sunday for the live recording which Alice will also be at unless I drain camping You know, let's not rule it out. I mean that's I mean that's one of the reasons people go isn't just with that thrill of the Raised possibility Aim high aim for the trifecta drowning bushfire and a spider. That's what you want. Drowning and bushfire is an impressive... No, that's a Tuesday in Australia. It's been done. Thank you for all your thoughts. Thank you for listening, Bugglers.

Until next time, good bye. you