The Bugle - Bugle 4025 – Theresa May or may not

Episode Date: April 21, 2017

Britain needs an election! Theresa May has saved us.Plus, what are Australian values, and how can a baby be a terrorist?AND: would Andy flirt with Mrs Hitler?Andy is joined by Alice Fraser and Nazeem Hussain. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard. A glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. than hemispharical additions recorded live and then broadcast not live in the traditional manner. Here in Melbourne, the city with more food outlets than people, unrecognizable for more it was even 200 years ago before it was founded. I am Andy's ultimate, the man

once described as one of the most influential artists of the early Renaissance, albeit that the person describing me as such got my name wrong and called me Donatello instead. And I'm joined for the second time in two bugles. And in fact, the third time in two bugles, if you count some of these live show last weekend that hasn't yet been broadcast, welcome back to Alice Fraser. Hello, Andy. How are you? I'm very well. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks for returning to the, to the, to the, it's my, it's my favorite thing to do.

Rit, that is a big claim, Alice. Yeah, well, I mean, I took you up for dessert the other night. So that's sort of my second favorite thing to do. That is a big clay, Malice. Yeah, well, I mean, I took you up for dessert the other night, so that's sort of my second favourite thing to do. Yes, I took my children to that. Is watching you eat your way around some like basil seeds soup. Yeah, I mean, it was basically like eating live frog spawn. But, you know, if that's a dessert, it's a dessert. And I will, I will, I will, my kids there the following day.

And they will present with what can can only be described as a mountain of vaguely mango tinted splurge and it blew their tiny minds frankly and joining us today, making his bugle debut host of the hit podcast, Burn Your Passport, produced by... Helpable sarcasm. Produced by someone who's... I'm not spacer product if I did you say so myself Mel but very old Nazim who say hey has going very good This is my favorite thing to do right now right okay, but just in this current second now I live in the present right okay, well, I'm even then I'm not sure that's true to be honest

I'm literally doing nothing else And twiddling the knobs in the producers both was more. You're not even in your own booth this week, you're sitting at the table. Just our fair, we were talking about how much we charged you for this. Oh yeah, good point. Listen to everything that you've produced on a daily basis. Remember, the bugle's very own Lazarus impersonator back from the virtual dead. Tom, how was camping? Next question, I think. No comments.

So Nazim, as it's your debut, we shouldn't be used for that. You initiate me to the... Any horrific Bugle initiative. I've put my hands down. Yeah, based on my years in the British public school system. You're the first bugle guest who has trudged through a sewer whilst covered in snakes. Right, don't talk about my sub-head like that. That's shout out to Board and Victoria. Yeah, I was on, I'm a reality star guys.

This is very much an unreality show. Now I was? Now, I was on almost to let me get me out of here, which is, you know, comedians are lining up to do that show. I know you guys understand you guys have a version in the UK. We can't be diversion. Yes. I get kids stopping me in the street. Just like normally, like before the show, I used to do like niche, you know, like maybe the ABC, SBS, race-based political stuff.

People knew me as a Muslim guy. So, if people recognize me on the street that come up and go hey Muslim go back to your country polite stuff like that but now I had a kid say to me South Bank after I walked out of the ABC comes up and he looks me in the eyes and goes hey Naseem, yeah! He used to throw up on the show so I don't know what I prefer that other Muslim thing but it was tough. Because we first met years ago in Edinburgh we did my political animal which

probably has slightly lower ratings as a five-show in room with about 30 people 35, I remember. Isn't the average audience size in Edinburgh three people two and a half thousand shows three people's the average that's what people can. Well that is two more than I had for my animal debut show. Are you counting yourself? Well, no, in fact, there were more performers in that in my debut solo show and there were genuine audience members. I'd won ticket sale.

John Oliver was doing stuff in the show with me and then there were a few people from the flyering team who were successfully promoting this show. Well, that's the problem. They're flaring in the show. So... As we record, this is a bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 24th of April. Birthdays all over the world.

As we record to date, Friday, the 21st... It's my birthday. Is it your birthday today? It's my birthday today. Right. I was going to go with the Queen. Well, it is also the Queen's birthday. Right. The Queen 91 today. I wish you beat you on that.

Yeah, just. Yeah, yeah, I'm catching up. I'm so impressed to catch up. So we have a special one of our sections in the business week. Looking back, over the Queen's 91 years, the first 45.5% of a scheduled life. Also, on Sunday, happy 40th birthday to some British comedian who used to do this show, John, something like that.

What I'm doing. Sorry, I do, man. And happy 37th birthday on Saturday, to Helen Zoltzmann, another bugle star, who might have known for... Hang on, let me just get my calculator out. 2007, so you can... I have to say, my favourite Zoltzmann. Zane! Yeah, 37 years of no, no, no. And this is the traditional dates,

the 24th of April Monday, as this goes out, of the fall of Troy in 1184 BC, according to now discredited historians. But to mark this historic occasion, at some point during the course of today's show, a load of Greek men will emerge from a giant wooden horse and start slaying everything inside. I saw them in the bathroom outside, X-ray. Guys, keep it down! We're recording!

Also, happy birthday to the City of Rome, 2,770 years old today, if legend is to be believed and to mark this occasion, at some point during the show, we will all be suckled by a mother wolf. Oh, good, I was getting thirsty. Oh, that's the good stuff. Who's next? As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, necessary kitchen gadgets after the launch of the Juicer O Wi-Fi enabled $400 smart Juicer that has become the first ever implement to be able to extract juice from fruit, very much the holy grail of science. We look at other must have landmark kitchen gadgets about to revolutionize the market and save us valuable time in our hectic lifestyles, including the cracker-tron shellmeister, a stunning new device, simply put an egg into the CS 4.2 and the cracker-tron will not only crack the shell using an inbuilt mechanical rotary hammer for an

even shell crack, but it will then deposit your egg into a wi-fi enabled egg cup. It will email your list of possible things to think about whilst eating an egg. Must be pre-cooked, retailing at just $499. Also, the pistachio time, using microforceps directly inspired by the harrowing mechanisms of modern childbirth, the pistachio time at 3k breaks open pistachio shells, then fires the ready-to-eat nutlets into a Wi-Fi-enabled bowl that sends you an email alert when it thinks you might need a snack based on your snacking habits of the past 10 to 15 years. It saves an estimated 14 minutes per decade if you use daily on 2 kilograms of nuts,

warning may cause mild confusion. And we look at the smart cumber, exactly the same size and shape as an actual cucumber, the smart cumber sits in your fridge, doing nothing, and then emits a piercing alarm. Exactly the moment it would have become inedible had it been an actual cucumber. LAUGHTER That section, it'll have been. Top story this week, election fever, they said she wouldn't do it, she said she wouldn't

do it, no one was asking her to do it, she said she wouldn't do it again, there was absolutely no need to do it, she said she seriously wouldn't do it, everyone had forgotten that she might do it, but she did it anyway, Theresa my has called a snap election. I'm going to even make the news here in Australia. Yeah, I saw it on my Facebook feed. Well, I mean, that shows what big story. You say it is in full trade of my friendship circle. People are posting up things.

I mean, I think in a post-Trump world, you need to up the stakes in politics to get your nose and the news. Like, going back on your word and doing something completely off the cuff and unthought through makes you relatable to the common man because people look at you and they go like, Oh yeah, I remember the time I did a U-turn against traffic on a freeway at midnight because I wanted to McDonald's. I want my politics to reflect that. Right.

So it's three is I playing the. Yeah, it's like all the politicians at the moment just sat down and watched an 80s movie marathon and then they just heard the phrase, it's mad, but it might just work one too many times. And they're hoping the public will confuse the word sudden with the word decisive. You know, like those people who say, I'm just honest when they mean I'm just a cockhead. Coming with you semantics. See, gold, a snap of election. Is it then explained why in a speech outside number 10 down in Street. I mean, it was like six minute speech. Quite impressive that she might as well get through those six minutes without

what any point, saying the words, obviously this is just naked political opportunism. And that was impressive self-restraint in between the bits about no one being allowed to play political games anymore and doing what's best for Britain. Pretty impressive, isn't it? Political opportunism is my favourite kind of naked. about no one being allowed to play political games anymore and doing what's best for Britain. Nick impression. Political opportunism is my favourite kind of naked. Well, you're sharing too much again, Alan.

My second favourite is naked in the kitchen. Too often go hand in hand. If George Osborne's Instagram feed is anything... Look, I'll press. Impressive display from the woman who's put the chance into Liv's next order, the chance, her, and Britain has come down with election fever. Yet again, classic symptoms of election fever.

Shivering hot sweats, headaches, general listlessness, and uncontrollable vomiting. Shivering very much at the icy blast of the artically cynical pragmatism, unleashed from the permafrosted political heart of the season, mate. Hot sweats as we flush red with the embarrassment of what the f*** is going on in our country. Headaches provoked by a milli-contemplate in the prospect of

two more months of political bitchcraft. And general listlessness as we contemplate the options on the electoral menu thrown up by this kind of slow motion car crash collision of 21st century political expedience and an 18th century political system and vomiting at the pure naked hypocrisy of our Prime Minister tough times to be a British democracy fan as I mean you're heading towards the path that Australia's taking you just you know one Prime Minister in another one out you know yeah we turn over Prime Minister's a quite a high rate mainly so they don't have a chance to do anything because things are okay here

The mainstream Yeah, three years, yeah, that's a loose term. Yeah, yeah Like the full three years these days. No, I mean, it's not even an aspiration anymore You just want to get in and then once you're in it's like I've made it Had the portrait done. Yeah, it got the portrait. Yeah, it's give someone else to go. Move over. Right.

Don't hog the seat. So that's what we do. And I think it's good to see that the brits are sort of taking that up as well. The way we do it is as Australians we don't like tall poppies. We have this tall poppy syndrome and we don't like tall poppies. So the moment we elect someone into power we're like, oh, think you're better than us to. We're very OCD about the height of our poppies.

We don't know. We don't know. We don't care. Are you trying to be smart? We're going to catch you down. I want an actual measurement in sentiment. But I think that's what's going on with the Brits. They just want change. Why?

I don't know. And she sends that. Briggs, it was probably that as well. Well, I think Briggs, it was that. It was basically what happened was a Britain was left alone in an empty room with nothing in the room but a single electrical socket. Eventually, at some point inevitably we were going to put our penis in that locker.

The reason they said we must come together. Is that how you got your hair like that? That is my business out. And it is the manifestation of Britain putting its penis in an electrical socket. Can I use that on my post-it plea? It takes time on in Australia. Real of Easter, as they've used to it. Australia news now.

migrants are going to face a tougher citizenship test, which will test their commitment to Australia and their attitudes to religious freedom and gender equality. It's a little bit reminiscent of the old White Australia policy test. A very delightful chapter in our particular... I loved it. He's true. So what exactly did the White Australia test? Oh, it was this really sweet thing where if anyone was not the right colour, you could run them through a series of almost impossible to pass tests, including I think it was a vocabulary test in literally any language in the world.

You throw them a 50 word vocab test. When the original white Australia policy was implemented, it was done by Deacon, and he said the Japanese and Chinese might be a threat. His quote was, it's not the bad qualities, but the good qualities of these alien races that make them so dangerous to us. It is their inexhaustible energy, their power of applying themselves to new task, their endurance and low standard of living

that make them such competitors. Oh no, hard workers. No, I get the point there, because if we get migrant workers in that work real hard, then all the jobs that we've finished, and no one will have a job anymore. Yeah, the new, the new, more stringent English language test is not quite that level. It involves reading, writing, listening, it's speaking, you have to display an intimate knowledge of

the history, etymology, and deployment of the phrase, yeah, nah, yeah, yeah, and the unwritten rules for when you can cut a word in half and put an O or an A on the end of it, you know, Biker becomes Biker, you refuG, youugee becomes Refo, McDonald's becomes Maccars, racist application about data, ideas of national identity is predominantly white, becomes acceptable, political policy, or Australian values. Well, that's it. Like Malcolm Turnbull, he said, aspiring citizens will undergo tougher tests on their English language skills and ability to demonstrate Australian values. Yeah, Australian values are very difficult to pin down because we spend half the time insisting

we don't have a culture and pulling funding out of the arts and the other half of the time insisting that things are un-Australian. You know, it's the difference between erotic and pornography, you know, when you see it. And it's probably got something to do with the ANZAC values that we established in Gallipoli, which involved going to the beach,

mateship, and dying, pointlessly in large numbers in uncritical obedience to bad British leadership. I'm sitting right here. Ha ha ha. I don't know if I'm allowed to laugh at that, because I'll probably be made to pledge my legions to this, because you know, like a, I'm like a flag or something.

Yeah, I've got to look a flag, make out with it, my usually tongue, feel it up, feel it down. Prove to us, mate, that you love it. Take it out for dinner, somewhere nice. Nandays. Meet the parents. I mean, the new rules also require evidence of integration into the community through things like

membership of community organizations, which as a comedian, I refuse to do. I'm completely incapable of integrating it in any way. ISIS is a community organization. They operate at the grassroots level. I just hate people in large groups. But, okay, if they're saying you have to integrate yourself into a community organization, are they trying to say that ordinary Australians,

are you signed up to one? My current visa means I cannot laugh or interject into this. I'm just here to make sure it all is recorded. No, it's a weird one. Australian. I think what he means by Australian values is ability to drink massive amounts of beer I think he's also testing things like Whether you know that when you spewing a cap you have to pay the driver a hundred bucks to clean it out That's an Australian value

And a spelling test. I can't believe we're having a spelling test That seems a reasonable value is it? Hundred bucks. That's a reasonable value, isn't it? 100 bucks, that's a goal and right. Australian values also include stringent homophobia, but also not having a problem with the fact that one of our most popular ice creams is called a gay time. You're just going to have to. Happy Done.

The country that calls itself Australia is going to toughen up testing on English language skills. In another Australian story, human rights obviously, I'm a big fan, but whether you love them or hate them, it doesn't like their head to stay. And Australia shows that we need to fight for our human rights all the time, because Australian Lego fans, adult adult grown-up Lego fans, have threatened apparently to lodge human rights complaints over age limits imposed at Melbourne's Lego Land Discovery Centre, which state that adults are not allowed in unless accompanied by a child. Well a lot of people are upset about this, a lot of people are complaining saying this is

age discriminatory. Yeah. Doesn't take much to upset pedophiles, does it? Or what I can't go on this, I take a date? I actually love Lego. Yeah, but I mean there's a time and a place isn't there? And you got to peak your battles. Adults, yeah, unable to enter the centre unless a company by a child aged 17 or under, except on special monthly adults only nights, which raises the question, what the f*** goes on at an adult's only Lego night? I guess I think if you legalise adults only Lego nights, you're destroying the sanctity and traditional of all Lego. Was that game married? I forget. Look, either way, it's going to cause a volcano

to sprout up on the whole. That's all I know. Lego makes the least comfortable sex toys. I think it's a terrible injustice. I don't think anyone has the right to stop adults who are enjoying the simple pleasures of childhood. I demand not only access to children's playgrounds that have Lego in them, but also the right to suck on my fist in public scream uncontrollably

until you bring me the food that I want and bring my blanky to board meetings. At what stage have an adult only Lego nights? Does someone say, oh no I've just realized I'm a grown-up. We're all grown-ups here. When will the scales fall from our eyes being there? Things are the natural extension of things like, you know, bronies, which is adult male fans of my little pony, they're sort of muscling in on the joy of delicately combing the rainbow hair of a tiny plastic horse. Right. It's, I think, is a wonderful thing. I think we should move further down this part.

I think we need government mandated nap times, like they have in Spain. It's working well for them. Working very well, apart from the, you know, 50% youth and women, you know, are withdrawal. Yeah. I think adults playing children's from the, you know, 50% youths and women, you know. I withdraw. Yeah. I think adults playing children's games, it's actually healthy.

Like a lot of the reason I may have masculinity issues or even turn to radicalism and extremism is because they had unfulfilled childhoods. Right. So I like it. Why build a bomb when you can build a Lego spaceship? Exactly. Get Kim Jong-un in there, get ISIS in there,

just get in a play with a Lego. We might not have the problems that we have in the world right now. Right, what has this not been suggested that you're not in nation? Exactly, because people like you laugh at it and make your super comedy podcasts about these serious issues. All right, we could be out in the war on terror.

Right now right here. Just mass drop. Just roll Lego over Syria. Just roll Lego over Syria. Hey, Bashar, here's a set of Lego. Maybe he'll change his... Well, I think, I mean, that could be an interesting change of tack, because, you know, if there was an air drop of 250,000 mile-little ponies, cheap over ISIS-controlled areas, it would at least make them stop and think what the f*** is that?

Just some breaking news coming in now. Fox News has announced that following the departure of their flagship shipbag, Bill O'Reilly, the 67-year-old 12-time bile-spouting loon of the year from Fostering Social Division Monthly magazine, O'Reilly's hit show The Factor will now be hosted by a rotting pile of festering rat call. A Fox spokesman explained, we figured this was the nearest like for like replacement we could find to help smooth the transition. My great beef with Bill O'Reilly is that Bill O'Reilly, to me, until I became aware of the work of Bill O'Reilly in America, was one of the greatest Australian cricketers

of all time, the 1930s leg spinner, and I believe his legacy has been tainted. I believe .01% of the audience will get that because not that many people know that much about crickets. Zero won't be the actual people in this studio get that. I was never a regular math. In baby terrorist news, three month old baby has been summoned. Oh, that's, I mean, let's just stop you right there, let's just before you explain the story. Because, I mean, those are probably words that have never been spoken before by any human mouth.

In baby. In my dreams. In what? You've got to stop eating cheese. It's been pulled cold in, genuinely, to the US Embassy in London for an interview after his grandfather mistakenly ticked that box. She is being pulled cold in genuinely to the US Embassy in London for an interview after his grandfather mistakenly ticked that box. You know that box that says, are you a terrorist?

And his grandfather accidentally ticked yes. So he had to travel in to prove that this three month old baby was not a terrorist. Right. And I think, you know, no smoke without fire as far as I can. Exactly, aren't. ISIS is notorious for recruiting young. It's a lot easier to get someone on board a radical terrorist agenda before they've developed critical thinking skills or language or.

Just like football managers, always gone for the best talent as early as you can. It's competitive out there. I've got friends who've recently had children and they are pretty good at blowing up your life. Yeah, you just got to hear them talk about, you know, just the way that they throw stuff at the TV when Trump's on. You just gotta just pick up those sort of anti-Western imperialism sort of vibes. You get them early. We got family friends. Bungley, Eshimlson, family of five born and raised in Australia, Melbourne. And they were traveling to the US via Canada.

They were driving across the border. At the border, four of the five family members got visas, or they got accepted into the States. One of them got rejected, because apparently he was on a terrorist watch list, and he was only five years old. No joke. They were like, you sure you haven't gotten him confused with another Muhammad Abdul, and they were like,

eh, eh, eh, they legitimately thought they were like, we can't take any chances. Because it's his name. They're like, we're five years old. They blocked him. Right. Well, statistically, most terrorists were at some point five years old. Yeah, it's a 100% correlation.

Yeah, yeah, it's gone. I'll give you the stats. You can't. And yeah, exactly. It's a classic question, you know. Would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler? Is that the question who was asked? Yes, Ben Carson was asked.

Well, no, he was asked whether he would have aborted the fetus Hitler. And he said no, because he's pro-life. He's going to argue about the mathematics on those eyes. Probably a significant minus number. Anyway, look, Jeff Bush was asked if he would have killed the baby Hitler and he said yes. He was asking these questions. What am these? This shows what a robust democracy America has because they have people in the media

willing to ask the difficult question. The they have people in the media willing to ask the difficult question. The question's absolutely necessary to ask someone before you entrust them with high office. I mean, how can you put someone in the White House? If you do not know what they would hypothetically have done in Austria in 1889, with either a pregnant Mrs Hitler

or a just born adult Hitler. You have to know that. Otherwise, you don't know the how they're going to respond to like a certain surge in the stock market. What would you do as the host of this podcast? What would you do? Well, I'd go slightly further back in time and try and split up the Hitler marriage. Or couldly horn in on their dates.

Yeah. I get a bad back to the future too. Take one for the global team. How would that work, Andy? Would you? I don't know. Would you suggest the future, Mrs Hitler? Look, look, I would turn up.

You really thought this policy through. So I've come from the future. You're here to fill out with Mrs Hitler. Look, I'm just saying. Hey, I've come from the future to check out my machine. It's not a machine, me necessarily flirting with Mrs Hitler. It's a question of me. Flirting with Mr Hitler.

Just getting them apart. But what would happen then, is that they would go off, individually create diluted versions of Hitler, and they'd be kind of like two semi-evil kids running around. You've got to make them both sterile. I mean, I guess what you're hinting at is the suggestion that maybe the greater issue is the social division in 1920s, Germany and hyperinflation that facilitated...

No, it's not. Now that wasn't a right kick, right? Okay. Now that you are qualified to be the American president, I think we've just proved that. The specific wording, if we may return to the story at hand. My podcast, I'm going to get a control of this. The question on the ester form does, do you seek to engage in, or have you ever engaged in terrorist activities,

espionage, sabotage, or genocide? I think sabotage is the key word. This is not an innocent mistake for me. This is a grandfather who has just had a perfectly possible shirt, extremely sabotaged by a baby. These just copped baby chunder all over his favourite jacket. The trumpet section, historic chronicling of the Trump years, Donald Trump has received some criticism this year after claiming that an armada of American ships was steaming

its way to North Korea at high speed, when it turns out that in fact it was steaming in the opposite direction, some 3,500 miles away. I mean there's no clear message of military might than heading as fast as possible in the opposite direction. But my concern with this is Trump's use of the word armada because when you look at the historic track record of armadas, it is not unblemished, a cursory perusal of wiki pediffs shows that the most famous of all, the Spanish Armada 1588 lost. I mean if the Armada conjures up one thing, it is the image of Spanish King Philip II pushing uneaten tapass around his plate and muttering, well that did not go according to plan. The following year in England, we launched our own Armada in 1589,

which, such as the nature of the way history is taught in England, I had never heard about it because it was a fucking catastrophe. It was sent to capitalise on the failure of the Spanish armada. So that's a double armada failure. Armada on armada there. Yep. And the armada of 1779 was aborted, that was a Spanish French combined armada. That was aborted before it even had a chance to lose.

Wasn't much of an armada, more of an armadone. Very good, for that. Oh, armadone didn't. That is... I mean, and I think the Zim just won the bugle. Yep. That's very much the logical endpoint of his podcast. I would have gone with Aunt Marda.

I'm not Aunt Marda, my terrific Battenberg case. No, it's not a positive thing to name a fleet of ships after. No, and to not know where your fleets of ships are. I mean, there's two possibilities. Either Donald Trump was lying or he didn't know what the shitty was talking about. Either of which seems incredibly likely, like choosing between two delicious bullshit flavored ice creams. Yeah, yeah.

On the plus side, Kim Jong-un probably didn't notice, because I would imagine knowing him as I do, that he was busy holding his hands above his head to form a point and shouting, I'm the biggest carrot in the history of the universe. Bow down and worship me. I'm a 60 meter high mega carrot. And if anyone disagrees, I will have them killed. Hence, Plench strengthens the US presence in the Asia Pacific region.

And he said, he said, we will defeat any attack and beat any use of conventional or nuclear weapons with an overwhelming and effective American response. I just think calling any American response of recent history overwhelming and effective seems a bit of a stretch, unless we translate overwhelming and effective as messy, excessive and with the kind of unanticipated long-term toxic effects on the region that you get when you try to use a can of hairspray to groom your pubic hair and then stand with your pelvis too close to a fire. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And wondering if you could please satirize not that show, mate. I've stopped doing that so for now.

I will be doing it in Edinburgh though, and August roll up, roll up. Please satirize city rivalry, especially between Sydney and Melbourne. He says, I can't really live in Sydney, but lived in Melbourne for four years. And I've never understood why there's such a huge rivalry between the two. Now, as your... I'll probably more the team Melbourne. Yeah, and you will... I was born in Sydney and I have moved here.

And again, I think the rivalry is just one of those vanity of small differences things. There's a big difference. Right. If you want. Well, we have the beaches and the cliffs. Yeah, we got, we don't have that. So just beaches and cliffs, that's it. Because I was reading that some Sydney ciders refer to Melbourne as the bleak city. Yeah, but they're Sydney ciders so they're inherently wrong. Right, okay. Basically, if you want to be beautiful, if you want a beautiful city, all right, beautiful thing to look at, if you're impressed by visual, go to Sydney, if you want beautiful people in character, generosity and smiles and laughter and culture, genuine happiness from within, come to Melbourne. That's what happens. There's a small difference, I guess. I think you're kind of two archetypes.

Sydney is like a yacht on the harbor with the sun setting and the light glittering off the waves and it's warm and you're having a cocktail and some asshole is snorting coke right next to you. You come to Melbourne, it's somebody in black with a turtleneck and a beret drinking very overpriced latte and judging you. Right, okay. Yeah. So, and Cambera'll set up to be an average of those two things.

Camber, whenever I go through camera I think there are people in the world who have been sent to spy on politicians in Australia and they must be so bored. Camber, the city of bored spies, that's what I want them to watch me. Sport now. Canberra, the city of Bordspies, that's what I want the motto to be. Sport now. That's a first time anyone else has sent sport now on this show. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm taken over Andy.

Carry on Alice. It's sport now. Seren Williams has won her 23rd Grand Slam tournament at the Australian Open, while pregnant. I'm not sure what tennis ranking that gives the fetus, or does it technically count as a doubles match? It surely counts as doubles. Yeah.

Surely. And I guess we won't know until, you know, we know the gender of the baby, whether it was mixed doubles or women's doubles. Yeah. I think this is just her taking a swing at everyone who's ever called her manly before, because this is like the ultimate feminine act of empowerment. Taking a swing. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Also, I think that's kind of cheating because she's kind of got an extra brain in her. Yeah, she's true. Or like half a brain or whatever. So that's, you know. So you're saying that the infant within her was calling Newtack. Oh, yeah, she's kind of having a conference within.

So I don't know. The whole thing's caused a bit of a racket. Yay! I'm stopping. I'm not even's caused a bit of a racket. Yay! I'm stopping. I'm not even stopping. Stop it. Stop it. It's quite extraordinary. She's the woman who's dominated women's tennis.

Very much like a giraffe dominating a longest necked zoo attraction competition in that she's very, very tough to beat unless she's suffered an extremely serious injury. Anyway, that brings us towards the end of this week's Bugle. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks. Nasa has been great to have you. Thanks, Hempi. I enjoyed being on here, especially that last story, which was Ace. Very, very good. So it took about a minute.

Was that a double... No, I don't know. I've faltered there. Now it's just thanks, Hempi. Thank you very much. Alice, thanks once again, and you'll be able to hear more of Alice on your recording of last week's live show. The rest of my sudden hemisphere talk continues Sydney, the 24th of the 27th, then Auckland, the 28th and 29th, and Wellington, the 30th and 1st of May, then I'm back home for

more UK dates, all details somewhere on the internet, possibly not on my own lips. Thank you very much for listening, Bugleus. Until next time, goodbye. Bye. you