The Bugle - Bugle 4026 – LIVE IN AUSTRALIA!

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

The Bugle makes it's live debut in Australia! Featuring Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Buglers and welcome to Bugle Issue 4,026. I am Andy Zoltzman sitting in a hotel room in Wellington, New Zealand. I'm about to finish my bit of the Southern Hemisphere

tour and thanks to all Buglers who've come to my shows in Melbourne, Sydney and New Zealand, I will love each and every one of you until my dying, that's a bit much. It was nice that you came, you really helped soften the acoustic and that's not enough. Thank you for coming, I really appreciate it and I do hope you enjoyed the shows. This is not a regular Bugle episode but neither is it a sub-episode. It's a good, healthy 38-minute chunk of prime cuts from the first ever Bugle Live show, recorded at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival on Sunday the 16th of April, with guests Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser. So I think it deserves to be numbered as a full episode, if you really want to get Librarianically

catalogic about it, I guess you could call it Bugle 4126 Brackets BL001. That's up to you and it does assume that there will be fewer than a thousand live bugle shows ever. If you really want to argue about it, why not come along and call me in the interval or aftermath of one of my extremely imminent UK tour shows that I haven't plugged very much and could really do with an audience at? Starting in Crawley at the Hall Theatre this coming Friday the 5th of May, a jet lag special in which my body clock is going to be blowing the roof off 11 hours in advance

of my actual jokes doing exactly the same thing. The plan Z tour then continues on Saturday the 6th at the Warric Arts Centre, Wednesday the 10th at the Exeter Phoenix, Friday the 12th at the Birmingham Glee, the 14th, 15th and 16th at the Stand Comedy Clubs in Edinburgh, Glasgow and Newcastle respectively, the 17th at the Little Theatre in Jorley, the 19th at the Cambridge Junction, the 20th at the Oxford Old Fire Station and the 26th at Redding South Street. I'm also back at the Underbelly in London this summer. On the 18th of May and the 20th of June I'm doing satirist for hire so do get your emails coming in to satirize this at satiristfor hire.com. I'll also be doing satirist for hire in Edinburgh at the festival again.

And there is the bugle live show at the Underbelly on the 13th of July featuring me, Nish Kumar and Helen Joltman. I also hope next week to be able to announce some election special shows at the Soho Theatre, so do listen out or look out for details of those. Anyway, enough about Gigshoove, presumably all already booked all the tickets for Placebook tickets. It's time to get going with the bugle live. It was recorded in a time before Theresa May had called a general election, before Donald Trump had aimed a giant cannon at a polar bear and shot at a point blank range, or whatever he did, before anything that has happened in the two and a bit weeks since then, I should also explain that the live show

featured a short video from Chris, who challenged the audience to a game of Bugle Bingo. We even printed up some Bugle Bingo cards for a few lucky audience members. You too can play at home. Here are the things Chris told everyone to look out for. Some actual politics, uh, sclutumauvei references, uh, any reference to Johnny Showbeaz, um, an actual fact, this is a tough one, puns, um, a made up US sport team, probably from Chicago, cricket references, a euphemism for a penis or sex, and of course a hussy from history.

Yes, I think that game should work with just about any bugle episode. Also, I decided not to bleep out the naughty words from the live show because, well, it was a live show, we're all grown-ups around here, apart from my children who are at the live show, and now have a slightly expanded vocabulary as a result. There is some slightly fruity and or vegetable language. Right, let's crack on now with the inaugural Bugle Live. I didn't really know quite what I was doing, but it was a fun show, and I hope you enjoy listening to it.

I'll hand you over now to me, or at least the meat that existed a couple of weeks ago, in Melbourne. three more than usual for this show, the first ever visual version of an audio newspaper for a visual world, please welcome to the stage. The laughter crafter, who gives birth to Muth, then suckles, chuckles, appetites, of wits. The man they call Modus,025th time of asking. So thank you very much for coming. This is the first time I've done we've done a bugle live I did you all have you all listened to the actual podcast before

Has anyone has anyone here not to listen to the podcast? What are you doing here? Some of the jokes might not hit home for you Anyways, and absolutely delight to be here. Thank you for Melbourne for hosting it. I am Andy Zoltzmann as you probably know the voice of a generation Mae'n yw'r gweithio, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch, ddim yn ymwch ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn fanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn fanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffanc yn ffancanc now for the first time, I'm performing the show not in a windowless room unaware of whether or not in the outside world Armageddon has happened. And ironically I'm doing that at the time when Armageddon is most likely to happen since I've started doing the show. So this is the visual version, for those who are listening to this on the recorded version, Mae'r ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysgwyrdd ysg your experience. So, but nevertheless, this is probably the most historic moment, I would say, in the history of human communication. Since Tim Berners-Lee said to himself, my carrier pigeons keep getting distracted and delayed

by the understandable thrill of being able to shit on people's car windows, then hanging around to see the looks on their faces, delaying them from taking my crucial communications Information photographs of caps looking funny with a caption of something you wouldn't expect a cat to think and Hard core pornography to my friends and business colleagues. There must be a better way So I'm maybe even the most landmark watershed in is can you have a landmark watershed? You can now In human entertainment since Shakespeare's manager, took one look at draft, one of Romeo and Juliet and said, Bill, put some hot love interest and some big fat death and you've got yourself a hit. So Mr. Fantoni, you're saying that I can't just do a gentle character piece about an elderly couple running a knitting club? Yes William,

I am saying that, do I have to change the title as well? Yes you do. No one will pay to watch something called Inid and Bruns Wonderland of Wool. So, who was the woman you haven't heard the show before? This is basically it. What you've missed out on. So, as always, a section of the That's the closest, that's the closest I've ever felt to being a rock star in my comedy career. Then rapidly, rapidly, rapidly undermined by then cackling like an idiot. Rather than thinking as a rock star, I think yes, this is what I was born to do. So, sex in the middle, after the death of the world's oldest person, 117-year-old Italian Emma Romano, who was the last person born in the 1800s, still alive until she switched to being the most recent person born in the 19th century to have become dead. And that record is going to be pretty tough to beat.

She attributed her longevity to eating three eggs a day, two raw, one cut. I guess that's why Buddy Holly died so young. Didn't eat his three eggs a day, welcome down to that. And we have in the bin a special longevity health supplements in the bin, including living in a massive shell. If it works for turtles, why shouldn't we give it a go? Eating a sharp testicle every week can make you 3.5% more toned and 2% less likely to die

of bubonic plague, but we ask, is it really worth the risk? Living to 150. What to do to keep alert when the novelty of staring blankly at the ceiling has worn off? And twerking, does it help or harm arthritic hips? yw'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddim sim. Ys ymdwy'r ddim sim fan. Ys ymdyn ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim. Ys ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'dim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy'r ddim sim yn ysbyt ymdwy' ddim sim yn ysbyt ymd what the dim sim is made of. They've analysed it over many years in a laboratory. Turns out it's made of non-animals-specific meat, alleged vegetables, unrefined crude oil, waste sludge from a steel melting plant, roadkill, gravel, unidentified stuff scraped off armchairs in nursing homes. from unsolved crime scenes. Pink baby clothes ground to a fine dust. Pulped worm lungs on the concept of despair.

But health scares coming out, but all the time about process meets, just coming on a science website here, Bacon, the new cyanide question mark. Eating a ham sandwich is like running headfirst into a train claim scientist. And this is quite a moving story. How my 60s sausage day habit left me on a ventilator with two amputated limbs and a cough that could wake the dead. Taxation goes up whenever there's a health care, and it was again, let's say, where people start rolling their own.

And I mean, that's one thing for a riser and some tobacco, not a big deal, but someone at a bus stop rolling a sheath of pig's gut with some mashed up entrails, testicles, and connective tissue before tucking it behind their ear as one for later. That is a different one. Right, it is time now to meet your guests for the inaugural Bugle Live.

Are you ready to meet the guest? Excellent. First up, it's the IC Scottish Blast from the Long Dead Bugle Times online past, the producer to end all ex-producers. It is Mr Tom Wright! Welcome. Hello, Tom. Well, Tom, I mean, hasn't actually worked for the Bugle for what, six years now? Since you fired me, yeah. What do you mean you fled the right hemisphere? And then try to kill me. What, yeah, I mean, yes, I mean that is true, but you know, you're looking relatively well for someone who was brutally assassinated about 150 episodes ago. Yes. You felt bring any

kit whatsoever, just a pair of headphones to make it look like you're doing some shit. Yes. Right. Let me just put the one thing you did give me after my three years of service. We just put the one thing you did give me after my three years of service. Explanatory footnote. At this point, Tom puts on a bugle cap. Tom has a big head, a big Scottish head. You still owe me ten quid for that? Yeah, it's obsolete and it doesn't actually fit. It's obsolete.

Who's the other loser on it? So, second, secondly, first up, the Gnalds battle scarred veteran of one previous bugle, multi-award nominated comedian, Kepler, that generally won bugle co-host start getting awards or ditch them. And a man who once spent a year undercover as a kangaroo to see if they use their pouches for shoplifting cigarettes

and whiskey miniatures from supermarkets, That may or may not be a fact. An amount who used to be as much as part of Australia's breakfasts as Veggie Mites and a slightly nagging sense of historic guilt. It is... It is... It's alright, we have to have a drink. It is Mr Tom Ballard. Hello, and Andy, hi everyone. Thank you, Andy, and go fuck yourself. How are that?

Hi everyone, what a pleasure to meet you. I had that music mate, especially for you. That was all. Do you want to hear it again? Yeah, please. I just think it exemplifies everything about your comic. This is classic Belaard. And the final first up, returning from her bugle debut,

released just two days ago, in the quickest back-to-back first two bugle appearances in the history of the universe. It's the azure, uncredited inventor of the rimless sombrero. The woman who could have easily be the first man in space had she been born in the Soviet Uden in the 1930s as a man. It's Alice Frizer! Yeah! When we were backstage and you were saying, I've got theme music for you to come on to and then you just your eyes just gleamed like an evil clown. Now I know why.

I'm a 42 year old father of two. When I was, well about three years ago now, my daughter was seven years old. She turned to me at the breakfast table and said, Daddy, I think I'm getting two old for your jokes now. Right, it's time for the top story. Let's have someone from the audience, Tom. You're an audience, Mike, Judy. All right. You're so fucking useful. No, there's a, there's a radio. You're the one who asked me here. Right, just get someone to shout top story this week in a John Oliver voice down the front. Here we go. Top story. Total Armageddon. Are you generally enjoying the looming threats of the end of the world? Tom Alice Swatley said, what's your favourite bit of impending

Armageddon at the moment you particularly enjoyed? Pros Armageddon, I mean if the end does come there will be no more Andy's Oldsmann puns. Um, wait, you're in my house Tom! You're not shit in my breakfast! Sorry Andy. I'm looking forward to the full horseman of the apocalypse, everyone loves a pony, that'll be nice. We wouldn't have to worry about climate change anymore or the monarchy or having to get a new iPhone. Do you always group those three together? Yeah, they're the big three for me. So I mean which do you prioritize out of those when you're in your life?

When you think you should I get any iPhone or should I overthrow the monarchy? Yeah. How do you work? Well, which one do I have to queue for? Which one's gonna be longer? I think that I'm against a great excuse if someone that you really don't like says we need to catch up and he say, I'm a get an engulf next week, I'm sorry. I'm gonna be burdening it that fiery, righteous fire. Fire, fuck him, hang over, sorry.

What do you got? I'm sort of anti the Armageddon generally, but if it happens in the next five years, I'm kind of pro, because I've got like basic carpentry skills and childbearing hips, but that's not gonna last, you know? As my dad continually reminds me of, only a few years to make use of them.

I'll be fine in the post-apocalyptic world, because what the world will always need is cricket statistics and bad puns. Rock solid, life frostbikes for when the shit goes down. Personally, if we do have Armageddon, on the plus side, it will stop recipe of Erdogan's shameless power grabbing Turkey. I mean, maybe it's slightly too heavy price to pay for that. And on the minus side, we won't get to see how the new major league animal impersonation season pans out for the big, hotly-tipped teams to cheer the Miami-Bark,

the Sacramento Gobblers, or even the Chicago Chup Chups. So, there we go. Grassled up on your bigger cards, everybody. There it is. So North Grid, obviously, very much leading the way. Any North Grid fans in? No. What, what, what do you like about it? Tom, microphone.

Alright, hang on. Yeah, this will be good. So genuine North Korea fan will do someone who does not want to get assassinated at an airport. Bixxel for sure. For why is hair style? His hair style. And Dennis Rodman. You can't go wrong with Dennis Rodman

You know he's not North Korea, right? I know he blames it seamlessly in that country as I would I think I don't know lady North Korea. I don't even know her Thanks everyone good That's all I've written down here Are you concerned that such a delicate situation where you have Donald Trump? Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn g of the precision application of needles honed by years of training and skill, but by hurling a shit-tip javelin at point blank range into the eyeballs of the world and then saying that has to be near a chakra point. That's a me, that's a me is not reassuring. I mean Trump's been on spectacular form. Oh, he's absolutely showing his fox-like cunning if by fox-like you mean doesn't know geography. Yeah, but I mean fox geography is pretty limited. Basically splits the world into bins and non-bins.

I mean, if you replace bins with Muslims, that's kind of how it is. Running his game, so. And also, we attempted a missile launch near Sinpo on its east coast, but the Westman blew up almost immediately, apparently. It's basically equivalent of you thinking that you can fight because you've watched a lot of kung fu movies and then you try and then you just kick yourself and fall over and just pretend that was what you meant to do all along. I think nuclear bringsmanship was terrifying when it was being done by sinister and powerful

leaders and now it's a fight between two men with body image issues and the desperate urge for validation of 13-year-old girls. So it's like both terrifying and a bit funny. It's like someone's put googly eyes on a velociraptor that's just learned how to open doors. They're learning. US officials have said the Obama policy of strategic patience with North Korea has ended, so now they're moving towards strategic impatience, which just involves Trump yelling at North Korea, hurry up, you're bowl cut sporting fucks, I'm dying in the polls over

here, TikTok, let's go. I think it should work out well. I'm super worried about this kind of positive feedback that Trump is getting for his dropping of bombs, dropping the mother of all bombs in Afghanistan. This is some bad positive feedback to be giving to the dude. You've got to be careful of what you're giving. This is like somebody walking in on a teenage boy

and a fully articulated giraffe costume. You are setting down some precedents that you can't follow through on I've got another one that did sound like you were treading up something from your long distant heart I know you guys like your toddler's doing like nappy-based finger painting on the walls If you've mother-in-law's hallway and you've just gone you're a good boy then like that's what's that? Yeah, it's more like that one, yeah. I've got more. First rule of the bugle, never let something go until you have flogged it to that.

Why the show's still going. That's what they said about Jesus. Guilty, guilty. Bang the rights. I know you were taken by the festival of the Sun Parade, Eddie. LAUGHTER Guilty! Guilty! LAUGHTER Bags are right. LAUGHTER I know you were taken by the Fistle of the Sun parade, Ed. Yes. We will enjoy this.

The annual North Korean parade, commemorating the birth of Kim Jong Il's grandad. Sure. Fact. Tom. Kim Il Sung, yes. Kim Il Sung, thank you very much. Hence, for the day of the storm. That was your fact, everyone.

Right, that's the one fact. Take it off. You're not going to get it off. Take it off. I've found this year's parade just a little bit ripped, for my life. A prefer my military parade have a little bit more originality, invention, and flair. And really, the thousands of people marching

with stupid straight legs has quite literally been done to deck. And also it's not a massively useful everyday skill for me, that the social opportunities for when you need to walk alongside someone and then suddenly start marching with bold straight legs. It's at best going to cause an awkward conversation. Basically, this parade was like the world's least fun loving flash mob. And got some pretty bad reviews on the internet disappointing fans saying I was hoping for something a bit different from weapons being paraded around on tanks, like some floats with trampolinists on or a steel band. Is that too much to ask for? I preferred Series 7 of 24 and that is saying something. And another person said well English, very angry English person,

if I want to watch people moving in inflexibly straight lines to no discernible purpose, I'll watch my videos of the English football under Roy Hodgson's manager ship. Boom! Not the right hemisphere to do that joke in! I mean these moves would kill at Eurovision. Sorry? Those? Like the moves would kill at Eurovision. Sorry? Those? Like the moves would kill at Eurovision. I reckon that's like Rockestead for like gone mad.

I love it. Right. When is North Korea going to get a Eurovision? When is North Korea going to get a Eurovision? Yeah, they are fucking Australia and in Washington. They're close enough in it. I mean, I also don't know why they haven't realized yet that every day is the day of the sun. That's kind of how we organize whether to day or not.

That's how we publish the North Korean people are. One sun, once a year! It was like, it was like fascist Mādi grā, really, wasn't it? I just, like, yeah, you're right, there's no joy to be, there's no genocide clards. Like, yeah, you want to kill Western liberal democracies. Would it hurt you to smile? Two words North Korea, Tits and T, alright? I wish you'd stop quoting Donald Trump working, not comfortable with it.

On the subject of the Mother of All Bombs, which I mean, if that is the Mother of All Bombs that was dropped in Afghanistan and think one of the largest non-nuclear devices, that Mae'n gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn gwybod ymwch yn g through and who heard that the extraordinary chocolate cake speech? Yes. So in which not only did Trump, I'm not comfortable in having the leader of the free world who was so easily distracted by sugar snacks. I think we should probably go through this just to try and work out exactly what Trump was talking about phrase by phrase. So here is he began by saying this. I was sitting at the table, we had finished in or we're now having dessert. Right, so I mean this is really detail that we did not necessarily need to know

about Trump's conversation with President-G of China, finished in it, now onto dessert, but he goes on. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen. Do not tell me what chocolate cakes I haven't seen, Mr Trump. I have seen a chocolate cake shake like a cricket bat. It cannot have been more beautiful than that. I love how this is the final straw for you with the trout. Yeah, lines have been crossed in his own world. And't understand man, it was his cheat day. He went on. And that is a long ant.

I mean that's... That is a man who's either struggling to remember what happened or trying to make up a lie about what didn't happen. He went on. President, she was enjoying it. President, she was enjoying it. I mean that's the absolute key. If China and America can find unity through an absolutely delicious,

or when that's airdrops of chocolate cakes over the Middle East, why have they never tried that? I'm on Trump's side here, Andy. Come on, you never ate the piece of cake. It was so beautiful. It made you forget which country you're bombing right now. Come on. What did he say?

Did he say he was going to bomb a rock? We'll get to this. Here it comes, Chris. This is during dessert. Yeah, this is clarifying. This is dessert. Chocolate cake is not a starter. This is not Trump going rogue with a sweet order to try and break down President Xi's defences.

This is dessert. The attention to detail is like somebody telling you about that when they met their ex and told them like Orlando Bloom had hit on them and just like describing all the details, rubbing their nose in it. It's too real. It's out another personal story, isn't it? No. Got no exes, just dead bodies.

I don't like breaking up with people. Here's the big mistake coming up. So what happens, as I said, we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq. Heading to Iraq. Now, at this point, you would have thought, President-G, just flipped the table over like that, and said, what the fuck are you doing in this job? Do you think that, as Trump was saying that about the cake,

he had, like, just little bits around his lips as well? And then he finished... Well, you headed to Syria? That was say that about the cake he had like just little bits around his lips as well. And then he finished. Well, he headed to Syria. Yes, heading towards Syria. Basically he might as well have just said, yeah I want it somewhere in Muslimistan. That's the important thing. That's just the general Muslimistan areas what we're going for.

The details will sort themselves out. Right, any questions so far? Yeah, I've got one. I've got when's John getting here? John, to be fair, that's why I'm here. Strike it off everyone on the bigger, there you go. Johnny Chobis. Johnny Chobis. 30 prime time, there he is. Are you missing John? Good, right, I'll pass that on. I'll tell you what we need now. Which means we're moving on to another story. So, Australia, we've had some phenomenal action in Australia of, like, Alice.

Yes, we have. We've had this Easter egg, Mayhem, on the Gold Coast, which is where they dumped some Easter eggs out of a helicopter onto a stadium full of children who then promptly attempted to kill themselves and each other. But no one's telling which of the kids were antifascists, so we're not sure how to feel. I mean, the important thing to remember is the real meaning of Easter, which is to train children for the brutal kill or be killed world, we're about to leave them.

I think it's good. This generation is getting too many messages that their special precious flower. There's nothing teaches you that you're below average, like an elbow to the nose from the parent of your school bully. This was insane. This was a helicopter dropping 30,000 chocolate eggs onto a school oval. 15,000 people turned up to the event.

And as soon as the drop came, they just fucking flooded in and started elbowing. Ping pregnant women and children were knocked over in the course of scrambling for the eggs. Jesus was quoted as saying yes this is exactly what I had in mind. You have nailed my message humans. I mean to the children know you can just buy chocolate eggs in the supermarket from like three days after Christmas and you don't have to slip the throat of your enemy in a fight to the Jess I can smash some sickly sweet cad breez into your first world child face.

There was footage people filming the whole thing and you could hear the children screaming things like stop pushing. I need to get out. Why did they drop them all in one place? And for one particularly well informed nine year old, mommy nine-year-old. Mummy, why is the Easter Bunny acting like Bashar al-Assad? But in the spirit of the season, everyone who was knocked down did rise again three days later. That was good. One parent was quoted as... FIGHT NEW!

FIGHT NEW, PEOPLE! One parent was quoted as saying, I think every kid went home disappointed. This was the worst event I've ever been to, which is real kickin' the teeth to the crucifixion, I think every kid went home disappointed. This was the worst event I've ever been to, which is real kick of a teeth to the crucifixion, I think. But it was organized by a church, like a church organized this. So they have all this money, should we give it to the poor in the spirit of the season? No, no, let's get a fucking helicopter and napalm chocolate on children. That's insane. People got really hurt. Would you have taken your kids there and you get involved in the chocolate drop? Well, not as a lapsed Jew with infidel children

who are in tonight. Hello infidel's. Well, I mean chocolate eggs, theologically justified, of course, the chocolate egg. Great to back to the very first Easter, the gospel according to St. Alvin. Jesus, yeah, they're on the cross, getting a bit cranky with his dad. Yeah, yeah, bit of a boney. He thinks himself, I'm Jesus fucking cross, I don't have to fucking take this, I'm going to miracle my way out of it. But because of the heat and exhaustion and dehydration, he wasn't quite on top of his game So instead of miracleing himself with jetpack and a massive set of wings He accidentally mirrored his testicles into chocolate eggs

That's why we Easter eggs to this day That I think fact on the bingo, he can cross that one up everyone Thanks are there I think it's fact on the bingo. He can press that one up, everyone. Facts are there. There was another phenomenal story, which I believe, not represent not just the high point of Australia as a nation, but maybe the high point of entire human civilization, a man as sued. Was it some kind of a park or something? He ran into a wall. It was an odd gallery.

Oh, and art great. Well, indulging in a race against a virtual Kathy Freeman. Yeah, he's suing the art gallery for not padding the wall. He's also suing the road runner movies for teaching him to believe that running into a wall full speed was if anything, a temporary inconvenience. And he's suing imaginary Kathy Freeman for luring him into the race. It's science works, isn't it?

Yeah, science works, which is kind of amazing, but she's taking kids, actually. It's like, yeah, you can find out about the magic of science. Science, why doesn't it run into all of science? Science does not work. I think humanity should have learned that by now. You pay Jesus inside? Jesus.

I believe that the virtual Kathy Freeman is sowing science works for forcing her to race against a cunt. So. Something for everyone. Sorry. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Sorry. I just got it. Really? One thing you cannot be faltering on is I'll spend your time in there. Should I tell you my nonsense about domestic violence in Islam? Oh, why not, Tom? Oh, just thinking we're about 40.

We're about 42 minutes into the show. It's domestic violence in Islam. First rule of comedy. Start with a strongest, 20 seconds strongest joke. Finish with a strongest joke. And after 42 minutes, you do stuff about domestic violence. That's good to me. Well, this week, the Australian media was in outrage.

A Facebook video showing members of an extreme Islamic group seemed to be excusing domestic violence under Islamic law. It was a video features members of the Australian women's branch of his or her career. Physical career, I don't even know her. I stand by that. The woman in the video claimed that Islam condones a symbolic version of domestic violence in which a man may hit his wife with a small stick or twisted scarf so as not to cause

her pain. Turns out someone swapped their crown for 50 Shades of Grey, I believe. Bebbers of the government condemned the video in the strongest of terms calling it a barren to minister of women, Mikailya Cash, that in Australia there is no place for violence against women. Okay, that sort of thing happens in offshore detention centres, right? Men should never hit women except in the designated areas. Oh, not laughing because it's true, okay. His abutery have since rejected any notion that endorse domestic violence,

describing it as an abomination in that Islam rejects in the strongest of terms that of course all these people are saying that it should be condemned by moderate Muslims as you know there are three types of Muslims moderate, medium and spicy and of course lots of people in the Muslim community did condemn the video but we just like them to do it like slower and sexier for us and I put on a little sexy costume the coulddebat harder daddy and uh that was an old dolly potton song. Truth is white Australians have been releasing videos claiming that women are inferior to men for years on almost a weekly basis it's called the footy show and uh you got to chew then.

called the footy show. And you got to chew it. Of course not all Muslims are perfect, one of them is in one direction. And it's the first one direction joke in the history of the bugle. So, over here. So, on bad, that's what happens when you book someone who's under the age of 30. It'll never ever happen again, I apologise. I'll do more dolly punk. Yes. Remember the demographic. I want aging country music fans. That's where the money is. Right, hang on. Just a bit of breaking news, Exion from Australia, after the Senate blocked the Government's proposal to weaken Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act to compromise as being proposed, under which a new form of discrimination will be phased into Australian life and conversation over the next five years, 18C Redux will allow discrimination based on people's shoe size

or preferred salad dressing. Initially sizes 4, 7 and a half and 12 will be the victims of this place. Do you know that the hot cheese sandwich was invented right here in this city, huge in the USA now of course, and known as the Toasty in the UK, but it was invented here. The Governor General, way back in the 19th century came to the things we're going building this new city, and they made him some tuner and cheese sandwiches, but it was such a hot day he got distracted, and he got distracted chasing a platypus down the banks of the Yarra shouting, what the fuck is that? And by the time he had his lunch his cheesers got all hot and runny. What the fuck happened to my lunch he said and they had to pretend it was a supposed to be like that. It's a local delicacy, Mr. Governor General.

And thus was the tuna meltborn. Melt-born. Oh no! No, do not encourage him! Stop it! Let's have a minute silence. Think about what just happened. It's interesting reading about all the early explorers.

The guy's just stuck. Fuck he's got more. I'm outta here. He's got more. He's got more. The people have established the great cities of Australia, the state capitals. I mean, the guy who said it was now the capital of New South Wales

as a penal colony in 1788, caused Captain Arthur Philip. Here's the fact, he had no ass, he'd had both botics shut off in the seven years war in the around about 1758, one in the Battle of Manorco, one in the Battle of Favana. So he found it hard to use chairs,

he found a way where he topped his right leg under himself and rested his weight on the joint, which he called his Sydney, his Sydney. Sydney. Tell me when it's over, please. Good night, everybody. My show's at 6 o'clock. I'll see you get a good act. You can't see the screen, but he's got it underlined

and in italics, he's so proud of himself. That is, that is just basic, unlogistic, Alex. You fucking know it. Tom, Alex, do you want some of my newspaper wallets because I'm Jesus? How many capital cities are there in the country again? Luckily not that many. Of course I thought he went to Tasmania by which Tommy had a metal tool attached to his buttockless rear end that enabled him to till the soil while using his arms

for important admin and town planning. It became quite well known for his Hobart. I'm one of course people first settled in South Australia. They encountered, they were in kind of one of Australia's fearsome indigenous animals. You both are both fired. The, the plug at McGonore, which is like a giant fox, but with bloodshed eyes, caused terror amongst their livestock. Not surprised if I'd been a chicken, I'd have been terrified. I'd have laid an egg.

Barely. It works. No, that's not. Yep. I've been a chicken, I'd been terrified, I'd have laid an egg. LAUGHTER Barely, works! No, no, that's not... Yep. But, yeah, but just about does, and that's the key. You've got to skirt that, but don't bring it. We're right here in five, by the way. Queensland, of course, originally claimed by the Dutch,

not the British, and they made a rule that no people from the United Kingdom were allowed in that city. They imposed the full Brit's ban. Brit's ban. Brit's ban. And being able to see the pun from here is like watching a plane slowly crashing the sky. Right, like I could see the cuttings cutting. And when you look at the number of views that plane crashes get on YouTube, don't fight it people.

Don't fight it. It's just the way we're made. When they were building the new capital back in the early 20th century, I have to finish this now. I cannot bail out. Canadian Labour has built it? You know that? That's a fact. How can you tell? You just can't tell these days.

Anyway, they've got very homesick, so they have their favourite non-perishable food ship to over. They put everything in tins, those Canadians. they would can beef, fish, mousse, they would even can bear a real delicacy can bear a. And the Northern Territories, you guys just shook his head, he looked anywhere, there's only two left if we've been counting right. The Northern Territories even more extraordinary, the British encountered a Russian who they thought was a spy when they were setting up up there And they thought they better test them out so they asked them out British history So a guy, Pishkluskovich, they said, do you know the result for the British Navy under Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar?

And the Russian man replied, dar, win! Fuck you Malcolm! Fuck you Malcolm! On behalf of the United Kingdom I would like to apologize for that last five minutes, you can all... You should have thought of that before you fucking left the hemisphere! That's what made me come down here! My show! Great grandmother of mine, of course. Famously had an unfortunate incident in the capital of Western Australia. Great grandmother of mine, of course.

Famously had an unfortunate incident in the capital of West Australia. She tripped over a pile of surfboards, hit her mouth on a giant beer can, knocking out a couple of teeth. And while she was lying unconscious, waiting for the paramedics to give her an emergency barbecue. The notorious Thieving Australian marsupial, the kleptomania kidna, nicked everything out of her pockets. Oh, thod it, she said, as she dabbed the blood from her face and picked the prickles out of her trousers. I've lost my purse.

And he's ultimate, ladies and gentlemen. Now, wait. How about you? You would have thought, you would have thought, Perth surely that would be a nice, quick, easy one, but since it was Perth, I thought it was only appropriate to take an exceedingly long time together. LAUGHTER Attis, puns out people.

LAUGHTER BUZZER Right, what else have we got to talk about? That's just how much time we've got left after that. Oh, that took only nine minutes. LAUGHTER Do you know? Sorry? We've got the Q&A, we've got left after. Oh, that took only nine minutes. Sorry, we've got the Q&A, we've got the Eurovision song. Yeah, okay, let's talk about, yeah, this is a great moment

in democracy. So, yeah, protests in Berkeley have broken down into violence with a bunch of pro-free speech racist Nazis being attacked by violent anti-fascists in masks. I feel like a random word generating Twitter bot. Like, all of the good words are being squished in with all of the bad words, like someone taking a delicious potato and mashing it up with some freshly trimmed butt pubes. Oh yum, anti-fascism! Attacking unarmed civilians! Oh yum, free speech! Oh, Nazis!

Does anyone have some milk? Alice, you've been on the bugle for a combined total of what, what, what, four days since we recorded on Wednesday, and I think you've already said probably three of the five filthiest things ever said on this podcast. Thank you! Thank you! I've got more. In one hand it's nice to see the restrictive frameworks of identity politics breaking down a little, as we see some black-mask hippies throwing smoke bombs and hitting peaceful white nationalists with helmets and skateboard.

I think hitting someone with a skateboard is so offensive to me because it's brutally weaponising the 90s of my fondly remembered childhood. The only way I'll be reconciled to that kind of violence is if they shout Kelle Bunga while they do it. Will there any other issues you wanted to talk about before we wrap this up? I'm sure I'd written an ending but it doesn't appear to be on this document. And it's been an absolute, absolute delight talking to you, talking at you, we're talking with you, and please show your appreciation for, firstly, Tom the producer, sitting there with a point of spare of headphones.

And thank you also to the wonderful Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser. Until next time, Bugleons, goodbye. And that was that. The first ever Bugle Live. The planet will never be the same again. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! But that's got nothing to do with the fact that there has now been a Bugle Live, of course, but still it's a fact. I hope you enjoyed it, there will hopefully be many more to come, starting not hopefully but definitely in London this summer, and at the Edinburgh Festival in August keep your audio eyes on this space for more details, or

check with your local bit of the internet. There is plenty more of Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser auto-available on the internet, and they will also both be in Edinburgh in August. Next week we'll have the second Bugle live show featuring Will Anderson and Zoe Koom's Mar, before returning to regular shows after that to chart the no doubt happy, melodious, good-natured, mature, civilised and unremittingly truth-filled British election campaign, as well as stuff like anything else that happens in the world and plenty of stuff that doesn't. Until then, buglers, goodbye. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. The Thank you.