The Bugle - Bugle 4027: The Sinister Minister (LIVE)

Episode Date: May 7, 2017

How do you say citizenship? Is that enough to make you an Australian citizen? Plus, the truth about St George.Andy is joined by Zoe Coombs Marr and Wil Anderson Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4,027 of the Bugle. And or BL002, the highlights of the second Bugle live show from Melbourne, Australia.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, as you probably know by now, and I'm back above the equator. Water is no longer squirting me directly in the face as it flies upwards out of the pluckhole. The blood is no longer flowing the wrong way up my arteries and all veins, and the sun is coming up on the right side of the sky again. Thanks very much to the Southern Hemisphere for having me, and thanks to everyone who came to my shows there, I will be back in the hopefully not too distant future. This week's bugle was recorded back on Sunday 23 April, the final day of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, in the town hall

and the city that, but for a serious lack of foresight by the people of 19th century Australia, was so nearly called batmania, a missed opportunity that Australia continues to rule to this day. At least I assume they rule it, they certainly should rule it. The bugle lie that you're about to listen to covers all the issues of the day, from two weeks ago with guests Will Anderson and Zoe Kuhm's mar, including an Australian government that had just pledged to scrap the 457 visa for temporary skilled overseas workers. It doesn't affect me as I only qualify for words 1 and 3 of that phrase. It was recorded just before round 1 of the French

election, round 2 is this Sunday, the 7th of May, so by the time you listen to this, Europe may possibly be absolutely shitting itself, or smoking a relaxing metaphorical jitan of relief, at France having become the first country ever to vote, for a 3D printout of a political void, which frankly ought to be the blueprint for all politics. Full updates on the French election on next week's bugle when we will also have all the latest on the UK election that no one wanted, no one needed, and no one wanted or needed. In terms of coming to see my live shows, as I know you are all thirsting to do, in addition to my UK tour shows coming up this week at Exit of Phoenix on Wednesday 10th and Birmingham

Glee on Friday 12th. Thereafter Edinburgh Glasgow Newcastle, Chorley, Cambridge, Oxford and Reading, details at antisaltzman.co.uk, there is the first of two satirist for high shows at the Underbelly on London South Bank on the 18th of May do send in your request for that show to satirize this at satiristforhire.com and as hinted last week I'll be doing some election special shows at the Soho Theatre. I'm doing political animal shows on the 25th and 29th of May and the 3rd of June featuring me and guests to be announced and there is a one-off bugle-live election special on the 30th of May.

Tickets for all the shows on sale at the Soho Theatre website. Also check the Underbelly site for the Bugle Live on the 13th of July, and the Satur is for Haar shows on the 18th of May and 20th of June. And I'll be playing the Shay Stadium in New York on the 15th of August 1960. Oh, sorry, now that was the Beatles and Mimus steak. Right, it's time travel time and hemisphere travel time. Back two weeks to the underside of the globe and this. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Issue 2 of the Bugle Live,

the visual version of an explicitly audio-only show. What are you doing here? Please now welcome to the stage. Andy Salzburg! Hello, viewers Great, I imagine that is the response that happens whenever I say hello, bugleers on the podcast I now picture Everyone who listens to the podcast gathering together in a group of about 300 people and shouting in the clapping So welcome to the bugle live. How are you all?

Good. Are you happy with the worlds at the moment? No! Out of ten, how do you score the world right now? Minus one! You've gone in very pessimistic, then Adam. Let's try and get it in some kind of perspective. 1917 scored 1.3. I am, you know, I'm Andy's, that's that shit, how's that pronounced?

Zalts, Zalts, Zalts, Zalts, Zalts, is that Peruvian? Anyway, I'm Andy Zaltsman and I'm a flow of you listening not live, I am live in Melbourne. The city famous for its four seasons in one day, weather quirks. As a result of which, Melbourne is officially the city with the most stressed farmers in the world. Come on for fuck's sake, no one can plow that fast. And also home to some extremely disappointed Husky dog teams. Oh, balls not again, I've just got the barking bastard strapped to my sledger.

Now it's fucking 35 Celsius. And they want to go doggy surfing. Of course some skips isn't bad, that joke as Mel Bernians will know. It is, of course, under local bylaws and offense to driver goats or dog harness or attach to a vehicle in a public place. So that joke is struck from the record. So we are recording on the 23rd of April 2017, historic anniversaries, in 1985, Coca-Cola launched

the new Coke, one of the least successful reboots and rebrands in corporate history, up there alongside confectioners Flurshi, who started putting real chicken fetuses in their Easter eggs. And then I'll go down well. Children's author Roger Hargreaves. Are you Roger Hargreaves fancier in Australia? Yes! Look for the Mr Men books.

He released Mr Horny. Stridently pornographic. Although to be fair, it's going to be a bit more depth in usually. Painted the three-dimensional picture underline solitude, and Smith and Western's new piece pistol, which just fired a little baby dove at 600 miles an hour out of the barrel, went down badly with both gun fans

and animal rights activists. Also, 23rd of April is St. George's Day. He spread himself around. St. George, the patron saint of England, patron saint of at least 10 other countries, which says to me one thing, and that is tax dodger. He famously slayed a dragon showing the cavalier attitudes towards endangered wildlife

that brought so many soft furnishings to British aristocratic living rooms during our imperial phase Sorry first imperial phase We're coming back for you Australia Come back to the mothership and St George was not any patron saint but also inspiration for the British laissez-faire attitude towards corporate tax dodging towards corporate tax dodging. A whole approach to this is founded on the St George School of Economics.

Now St George famously killed a dragon. What is less known is that it was a baby eating dragon, and the way St George killed it was by feeding it babies until it became too fat to breathe. Now of course he was criticized for his methods, but he didn't insist that long term there would be a net saving on babies. Well, people say it's all right for you, St. George, and not your babies being eaten, and

it's true he kept his kids in an offshore account in the Cayman Islands. But the point is, we've got to trust our patron saints. And also, 23rd of April, 40 years to the day since, John Oliver was born. There he is. That is the baby John Oliver on the day of his birth. John Oliver, of course, famously former co-host of the bugle. So what I would like you to do now is record a little birthday greeting for John.

Happy birthday John. Happy birthday, sweetheart. I've got to pass that on. So. I have a passport on. I have a passport on. I have a passport on. Now, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight. In the name! I've got to enjoy that. This week, a William Shakespeare memorial supplements.

It is 453 years since Shakespeare hatched out of a magic egg in the Forest of Arden. And 401 years since he poppeded out of a magic egg in the Forest of Arden and 401 years since he popped his playwright's clogs Meaning he's been dead or alive for a combined total of 854 years The celebrity former England playwright and world literature Hall of Famer Old Billy Big was of course if you're not heard of him Cranked out to hit after hit after hit in various formats from the platinum selling

ROM TRAG Hamlet via controversially poorly researched historical documentaries such as Richard III or to give it its rarely used full title, tricky dick you get to the hump. A number of sequels that didn't do so well at the box office including Coriolainus and a fellow get the munchies. Some self-help plays including the joy of plague, how to make the most of an agonising death. a'r hefnwch i'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r And if she screamed, she was a witch. And heretic or heracross. Could the celebrity panel judge which contestant was a true follower of the Christian way?

And which infantil they should burn at the stake? Which frankly was a fuck of a lot more interesting than as you like it. Also, hidden other facts about Shakespeare, is it a fact how can you tell these days? His obsession with pentameter-based verse earned him the subricay, the big I Am. Oh, come on people.

That deserved marginally more than it got. Some famous quote from Shakespeare, shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Of course, the first off of that goes on, shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Yes, oh good, in which case, you'll like a summer's day darling. In that, I cannot spend any time with you because there's cricket on the telly.

Couple tea would be nice, cheers, it's a hundred and forty for three. And to commemorate Shakespeare, here at the Melbourne Town Hall we have a room full of infinite monkeys trying to come up with another Shakespeare smash hit. Let's just find out how they're doing. Who let the elephant in? Right. Okay, let's see what they've come up with. Right, it appears to be the full lyrics to Millie Small's classic 1964 Scar Pop hit My Boy Lollipop. The first 18 minutes of an episode of Neighbors. And some improved versions of Shakespeare's existing work. I'm a few just quotes picking out here for fuck's sake, Ethelli, you fucking idiot.

The guy's clearly a fucking douchebag. Hamlet you indecisive fuck, stick make your fucking mind up your privilege white loser. And again from Richard III, fuck, where's my fucking horse? What the fuck is my fucking horse? Which fucking schmuck next to my fucking horse? Also, they've come up with the entire scripts of seasons one to three of last week tonight with John Oliver. LAUGHTER B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- Right, so right in time to meet our guests for today's Bughal, are you ready to meet the guests? Good, we got two brand new members of the Bughal stable.

Firstly, a man who should fit right into the Bughal, not only because he just has to look at something to turn it into a podcast, but also because he includes a pun on his own name in every single title of his live shows. So, his name is Will, rather than, for example, of Wustischlauch. Polish comedians would know that I'll testify. Please welcome the wonderful Will Anderson! How you doing Will? Thank you, I'm good, thank you, welcome to the Bugle. Welcome to the Bugle. Welcome, sorry, very good. You're going in hard. We, we might as well you brought it up I was I was impressed I was reading through the list of your shows and I'm are you planning another lot 50 60 years of Shows I mean you can be I've got the last few planned out. I think I'm gonna do terminally will

And then last will and testament I think that's how I'll finish it out. The full posthumous show. Right. What, I mean, what is your particular favourite? Well, there's one I haven't, I've got passed my management yet that I want to do, which is fuck Mary Will. But, unfortunately, that one doesn't work on a post that.

And also, on Beagle debut, champion of last year's Melbourne Festival Star of the Edinburgh Fringe, it is Zoe Koomsmar! Appi, everyone. Oh, and also, sorry, I almost forgot, our third guest today literally dug up from his metaphorical Beagle Grave. It is Tom the producer. Welcome. Hello, Andy.

Last week Tom did not have as much kit as you expect a podcast producer to have whilst ostensibly producing a podcast. So this week we've got him this. Ah thank you. So just you know I want you to at least pretend that you're working. Oh hang on. Andy I think there's something wrong with this laptop. And it's designed for ages 4 to 8. It should fit right in. Thank you. For artwork it's the best

sort of satire really isn't it. Have you seen my show? Not yet. So I think it's time for our top story. And the top story, oh hang on, before that, sorry. Right, okay, top story this week. LAUGHTER Australian citizenship. And it's all happening here in Australia. Will. Yeah, basically our current prime minister,

you have to say that, because I don't know when people are going to be hearing this. Yeah, I mean, it could be a week. The current prime minister, the dishonorable Malcolm Turnbull, and the sinister minister for immigration, Peter, the man who was a cop now is a human potato ducking. They decided that Australian citizen citizenship tests weren't strong enough because it turns out that you need to speak proper English like being able to say

citizenship tests. So they're going to put an English language component into our new citizenship test, but they're also going to put in some other questions. There's now just two questions in the entire citizenship test. The first one is, are you a Muslim? And the second one is, no, seriously, are you a Muslim? So that's the whole test now, I believe. Any Peter Dotton fans in? Really? I've been waiting to say this, go back to where you came from.

I'm back. APPLAUSE Any Malcolm Turnbull found? Bill Shorten found? That was the most appropriate response. That's the Malcolm Turnbull journey isn't it? There was that moment where we were optimistic that it might have been all right and then it says they're like, oh, trojan. He's even stopped catching the bus. Like, remember when, like, every day. So when he first came in, because he's like worth billions of dollars, and most of them are in the Cayman Islands.

So that's not one of the questions on the test, luckily, for Malcolm. But every day to show you as a man of the people, he would be seen on a bus. There'd be a picture of him taking a selfie on a bus, because someone had obviously told him that's what ordinary people do. That's not what they do, Malcolm. You know, ordinary person gets on a crowded bus at seven o'clock in the morning and goes, oh, should get this from my Instagram. This is a

highlight of the day. We know you're rich, Malcolm. You're so rich that you, like, looked at beautiful currability house on Sydney Harbour and just went, nah, I'm not living in that shit hole. He's rich enough to be prime minister there by day and Batman at night, Andy, so... Peter Dutton, he said, are reforms willing to your applicants commit to embracing Australian values? Well, it appears that the values that he embraces

are ones of quite horrific intolerance. So to become a citizen citizen you basically now have to want yourself not to become a citizen. That is... Yeah, it's a little difficult for immigrants to embrace the Australian value of hiding immigrants. Why are they doing the test now as they hold up a mirror and if you don't say fuck off with full, you're out. Of course. If you see something say something. The great problem of course is space and Australia is, I mean there is almost, almost none of it left. I mean only 10% of Australia is inhabitable according to no let us all a yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr i'n amser yw'r ysgwyr Essentially, Australian rules immigration is basically the same as Australian rules football. In that, it is needlessly violent and aggressive, despite there being a vast amount of space.

And it is... And it is, and will always remain, completely an utterly baffling to the outside You're a big foosie fan, aren't you? Yes, yes, sir. I am right. Yeah, I can explain it to the confused outside You're not meant to get it you're just meant to like it You just meant to it's a new vulving game. That's the joy of it But I I supported team that had not won the premierships since 1954 And they won the premiership last year and like a Cinderella story the Western Bulldogs and it was very exciting for me But I did lose one of my favorite jokes of all time which was I used to say that if I wanted to watch their previous Premiership I would have only had to wait another two years until television came to Australia

You're not a fan, Zoe? I care about sport as much as I care about Malcolm Turnbull's bus selfies. So, sorry guys, I know you're all sports fans. I know it's a thing. I just, I don't care. Right. Any sports at all though? No, none of them.

You are wrong. You are, you are factually wrong. No, no, I'm right about me not caring about sports. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're wrong about the way you are factually wrong. No, no, no, I'm right about me not caring about you. No, no, no, no, no, no, you're wrong about the way you're conducting your life. You have to embrace sport. It's so much better than reality. It's fine, it's fine. I, you know, I like, you know, contemporary performance art. Like, no one likes that. That's fine.

We've been like different things, it's cool. Well, just do contemporary performance art with a ball and a net. It'll be so much better. So much better. There's been a lot of Australian values with this story. Malcolm Turnbull said, Australians have an enormous reservoir of good sense. What? And we are going to drain that reservoir! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it!

To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating on it! To stop the boat floating and Nauru. Well, we don't want people coming over here taking our democracy. Yeah, I know. I mean, well, this country was originally founded by your people as a prison island, and now we're just franchising. That's better than any joke that was in my show this year. And I'm sad that I came up with it

on the last day of the festival. LAUGHTER Anyway, come back next year and see my whole show about that. Will legal alien. Oh, boom! Boom! APPLAUSE I'm going to give that a...

There we go. Right, I think we should move on to science. Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. T-tom, did you put that one together? Yeah. Right. How, you've lived here for six years? Yes. How, how are your Australian values coming on? Oh, yeah. Well, my current visa situation means I can't join in this bit.

Okay. Or have any opinion whatsoever. But keep going. It's going really well. I don't know, four, five, seven, are you? I had a conversation with someone the other day. It was like, but obviously it hadn't read the news properly, but it was like, I heard that Malcolm Turnbull's getting rid of almost 500 visas. Science news now, and, um, so there's some very, very worrying news that you found for this week. Well, also good news, good news.

And, well, it almost ended just a couple of days. I don't know if anyone knows this, but we had a real close shave with an asteroid the other day. Outclosed, exactly. Heaps close. Right. Yeah, just... Good terminology. Yeah, that's in the Australian citizenship test.

Right. It's this massive asteroid that has been doing the rounds for a while. But it's actually made up of two asteroids stuck together and it nearly hit Earth just the other day and like almost ended the world. So yeah it's pretty exciting. It's called the rock but it didn't hit us because then it had to go off and do fast and furious. Yeah, people did say it was the most electrifying force in space in astronaut. I don't know, sorry. You've got to fire wrestling to get that joke, okay? I think it missed by a million miles, which is a pretty piss-poor effort as far as I'm concerned.

No wonder the dinosaurs got cocky. Those asteroids are generally shit. But they never dinosaur at coming. No. Oh, hang on. I thought you people are like pannis. Oh, that's good. Thank you. Well, for any... Sorry, I'm being a bit for silly.

I've got... Well, I have another try, LeBite. I thought that was a classic. They're wearing your clothes, Andy. Don't quite happy with this. It's taken a slightly taken a pressure off of what's coming later. It's great riding this. I feel like Charlotte Bronti, Soros. Oh, that was Triceratops.

Shall I leave? It's really suited me to a T, right? Let's have another jingle. BELL RINGS Let's have another jingle. So we are having an election, any Brits in today? Have you got election fever? No. Depends on what the symptoms are, I guess. If it's just you want to lie in bed for months on end,

then I think I might have it, to be honest. Now I'm going to get quite technical here. Theresa May made a speech. And if you see my shows before I use a device called the Subtextricator. Now, one of the great frustration in modern life is that we don't trust politics. And we're seeing there's some hidden subtext.

He's Subtextricator. Extricates that subtext for us. Let me just get it running now. There. Subtextricator. I just need to calibrate on you, the audience, before I run Theresa May's word. Let me just get it running now. Hang on. Some text to data. I just need to calibrate on you the audience before I run Theresa May's Word thread. I'm just going to ask a few of you questions, uh, make and join the show. So for?

Not bad. Not bad. What, why did you, why did you come here for you? To see if it's better than last week. To see if it's better than last week. Let us find out what you really mean. It's fun, what you really mean by that. I know there is a Pokemon somewhere in this room. I think it is in and

these Ultraman's trousers. I am going to look in and these Ultraman's trousers. Right, fair enough. And, um, Madam, you join the show so far. Ten out of 10, steady. This is at best an idea being worked through. Did I say that out loud? Sorry. Let's find out what you were reading me on that. I am finding it, hopefully erotic. Not that kind of show lady, right? Good, so let's put to reason May's words so.

So she said firstly that she wanted to explain what she was doing. She said this. I want to explain the reasons for that decision. What happened? This will be quick. Jeremy Corbyn. There we go, very simple. And she also explained what we'll have to decide on when we vote in June. And the choice facing the British people when you come to vote in this election. What do I mean?

It will be very similar to the choice you get in a restaurant serving only rats testicles and the scrapings of chairs in nursing homes. FUNNY COSIS TRUE F**k! Funny cos it's true. She, um, also, uh, do you know what kind of showed it? What momentous times are we living in Britain? Britain is leaving the European Union and there can be no turning back. Britain is the one I am Louise.

Let's do this thing. And... See you then. From from, man. See also, complaining that people have not been doing exactly what she wanted so far in Parliament. She said this. At this moment of enormous national significance, there should be unity here in Westminster. But instead, there is division.

I fundamentally misunderstand the purpose and function of democracy. And she also complained about other people have not been helping her out. Unelected members of the House of Lords have vowed to fight us every step of the way. Hearing the Conservatives complain about an unelected House of Lords is like hearing the Michelangelo complain about them being too many naked willies or lay ceiling. And finally, she had a warning for all her political opponents, she said this. This is your moment to show that you do not treat politics as a game. If scientists can find a way of turning hypocrisy into electricity, I have just saved the planet. You're welcome.

So how much to British elections get my traction over here? To you were long. You know, we just find the idea, I think, in Australia now, of elections a bit quaint, because that's not really how we change leaders in this country. We do that between elections. We just get them out of the world and we can't find one idiot to drive the thing. Yeah, it's terrible. Everyone's getting a go. It's like the chicken shop.

You just take a number. You'll be Prime Minister at some such. We do get a bit of coverage of that, but people are so disengaged with the game of it. But I saw recently, someone had proposed that we have a national holiday, like a public holiday that's just about thinking about politics. Like an actual MP, had said,

but yeah, it's called Deliberation Day, just to think about politics. It's so, it just feels so sad to me. It's like the loser at school getting their mum to pay people to come to your birthday party. It's just... Is there something wrong with that? And essentially, you've just described people who start podcasts.

So... Please help. Is there something wrong with that? And essentially you've just described people who start podcasts. So... Please help. Also, by the time you listen to this, either in the room or at home, sound takes it sweet time. Uh, France. France will have started voting. It is presidential election. They will have started smearing their foward grower

next to the names of their preferred candidates, whatever they do. The favourites is Emmanuel Macron, the centrist candidate who's been playing the I'm the least obvious lunatic card, pretty hard. Donald Trump has said, Marine Le Pen is the best candidate from which you can logically deduce

that a steaming pile of freshly defossilised mammoth shit would be a better candidate than her. Now, the immigration issue in France has been, can anyone guess, a, cynically exploited and massively divisive, or be barely mentioned at all by the candidates who maturely focus on building a peaceful unified nation? It is a, correct. o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd that's the far-right anti-history party, Silmo Le Manteinau, which wants to hit all French people on the head with a granite baguette, until they've forgotten anything that has ever happened in their history that might suggest that drifting to the far-right

is not a good idea. Severange de Couchetette, the Plut d'Affaire party, wanting compulsory affairs for all married couples in France. She might think it's a little bit pointless, a bit like the Make New Zealand more obsessed with rugby party.

Baguetteine Foyde-Sia, she's from the party, Paul esterri, or teap-nassionale. And... Flombois Pluterie-Ar, who's independent, but scarred by allegations that not only did he give his wife a non-existent job and pay his children non-existent money, but that he himself does not even exist. I mean, if this goes, go to the very top. Lost living moment's news now, and an American man died last week, believing Donald Trump had been impeached after his wife told him that thinking it would make him leave the world happier. Now, this is the greatest story to emerge from the whole Trumpshire model for me. I mean I just

think that's what you do to someone you love. It's a moment they're about to go. I would have leaned into it. If you held on for another five minutes I'd be like I mean, I just think that's what you do to someone you love. Like, it's their moment they're about to go, I would have leaned into it. If you held on for another five minutes, I'd be like, oh, they scooped out his eye, and they fucked him in the eye socket. Like, I mean, if you had five minutes left, I wouldn't lead with that.

But, yeah. Yeah, you don't want to be sitting with that image. Yeah. For too long. But it's nice isn't it? Don't you think this would be like, I feel like that would be my, if I was ever gonna be like a charity worker

or in like palliative care. I feel like that's what I'd like to do. I would happily, if you had like a grandma or a grandpa who was about to like die or something, I would happily research them, you could send you an email, like their main topics, what they'd be into, and then I'd just go and stand by their bed

and just as about to die, say whatever it is that would make them most happy at their final fuck that would be I think that would be a really nice satisfying job is it like hey Andy I know you're about to die but John said he's coming back to the podcast is it the only thing you want to hear when you're about to die, you're not going to die? Actually, that's what you do for most of them. They're like, oh no, they found a cure for what you're always dead.

So what? Do I have you, though? Yeah. A friend of mine was telling me yesterday about when her grandmother was on her deathbed and her mother was very, very English and had said like, oh, she asked, oh, am I dying? And she said, well, what did you tell her? She said, oh, no, I didn't. I said, no.

And she said, because she was dying. She said, well, she said, because she was dark, she said, what? Oh, killer. Make sense? What would you like to be told as you're parting lie? I mean, okay, well I guess the lie that would most reassure me, as I was about to die is the world's gonna be fine, will. Right, I mean, but try to be realistic. Yeah, no, I've gone too big on that.

It's fine, there's still plenty left. The best is still ahead of us, will that's what I would like to hear. I'd like to hear that the future of Test Cricket is safe. That's one. Or that bacon is actually kosher. It was all a mispronunding. You're getting 5,000 years knocked off your eternity in hell. Woo! So anything you particularly like to hear before you peg out?

No, I just, you're not going to dock. Right. Tom? Celtic if won the Champions League. But it's going to start. That is even more outlandish than anything Willis suggested. So... BUZZER

Right, your question's now. We're going to do a Q&A. We have a few sent in by Twitter. This came in from Merkin Muffly. LAUGHTER Bingo. If you could undo Brexit and kick Trump, Putin and King Jong Un out of power, but it meant that all cricket would cease forever, would you do it?

Absolutely not. LAUGHTER The world has to have hope. And I mean, sorting that out is just a temporary... I mean, we're seeing that with Australia. you thought you got rid of Tony Abbott, he's going to be kind of charging back into reality. Oh, thank God. Yeah.

Firstly, to solve all that stuff, I'd be willing to give him one day cricket. Right. Oh, yeah. We've got 2020, we've got Test Match, we'll give him one day cricket. Nobody really cares that much about from World Cups now, but Evan's not coming back. He wants to come back, but he's not coming. There's no way that he's coming back. Well, there's so many more onions that need to be eaten.

Well, this is the thing about the onion. Like, people think, oh, he ate a whole onion, but the back was he ate it with the skin on. He ate, too, that's right. But with the skin on, the skin on is the bit that you've got to remember. I was like, I want to see how he eats phantiles. Like, does he like eat the whole thing

and shit out the trivia? Is that the abit way? You're going to have to give us some footnotes on that. Phantiles, what's up? In Australia, we have like a caramel. It's like a hard caramel and it's covered in chocolate. And you got them at the movies and they would have like movie trivia on them.

They'll go with phantiles. So they would have little bits of trivia on the side. Oh, right, she knew some of your indigenous mammals also. What is it? It has a fan, like a pail. And like a baby. And it lives in the middle of the country. I sure.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said wasn't it? To eat an unpeeled raw onion once might be considered unfortunate. To do so twice, you are a certifiable fucking lunatic. I have a question, right? Got a question? So this may be a personal question, Andy. But I'm wondering now that there are two competitors in the world for most prominent and effective bullshit artists in the world, do you have to share the trophy or is there one for good and one for evil?

Good bullshit and evil bullshit. When that is a battle that has been going on since the very dawn of time as the Bible would no doubt testify. It's been going on since, you know, for 13 billion strokes 6,000 years. So I see it as an aficionado and devotee of bullshit. I think what we need is not to end fake news. We just need to fight it with even fake news. That is a bit more positive about the prospects for humanity? That's my answer. What about the treat humanity like they're on their deathbed? Exactly!

And that's not hard to imagine, so... I've got another one here. Just tell us what we want to hear until we die. Go on. That's right. Another question over here, alright? Yep. Cheers.

I loved it not only did that person want to ask a question but also wanted to wrap up that route. Yeah, it was a five o'clock show to get to. It wasn't going anywhere. I was going to be a cat. A Canadian dolegant. Andy, I'd just like to get your opinion on Anzac Day public holiday coming up on Tuesday. Yep.

Essentially a holiday, you know, celebrating Australia's first involved in war where we were sent to the machine guns by the British. Oops. So firstly, we'd like to say thank you for the day off. On behalf of Winston, you are welcome. We'll have one more question. We'll pick up one for that was sent in. This is from At Archivist. Could you be Donald Trump in a duel? Well, have you ever had a duel to the death? I mean, are you... LAUGHTER

Well, if I have, I've got a good record. LAUGHTER And I always tell them just what they want to hear before they die, which is, I've never done this before. LAUGHTER before they die, which is, I've never done this before. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Guild 6 people, that, anyway.

LAUGHTER That's how I came at the top, eh? LAUGHTER So, if you had a duel with Trump, what would be your chosen tactics? Running away, just running. LAUGHTER I mean, because he would clearly cheat.

Yeah. He would... I mean, he would machine gun you a day before the schedule start of a duel, just running. I mean, because he would clearly cheat. Yeah. He would, I mean, he would machine gun you a day before the scheduled start of a duel, I think. Yeah, that's why I'm running. All right, good tactics. What about you, Andy? If you were going to do Donald Trump, well, I would dress as Donald Trump.

And attempt to confuse him to maybe show him what he's become. For acting like a mirror and getting him to do the Australian citizenship. Exactly, there we go. There's a lot of lovely callbacks coming into this part of the show. So, just a couple more things to get through. I mentioned, you know, incredible local wildlife here in Australia. Famous for many of the animals found nowhere else in the world Many of the famous mammals. I could have seen loads of them in Melbourne zoo the other day when my family went But I'm afraid of wild dogs, so I didn't go

Yep I almost saw a cracking marsupial up close But unfortunately was the other side of a large tall collection of apuries, a real wall of bees. The author William Burrows or as he liked me known, Bill B. He used to go out looking for animals in the outbacks, you know that has a fact that he took tin food with him but in the intense sun saw him the tin often expanded and exploded, yes the kangaroo. Personally though I'm always well prepared when I go bush. I take this special device, it's like a cross between a regular

cooker and a Chinese frying pan. It's called a co-worker. But it's mate of mine, I went out looking for what I love with him once. He works in politics, used to pass the time as he waited before we could see an animal, adding up the cost of high grade ball, Sam McVinica, having a coat of arms designed for his family and expensive wastecoats. Well, I'll say to him, those are some poshums. Well, he ended up... He ended up... He ended up trying to strike a deal with Malcolm Turnbull. That's to minimise the impact of politics.

All cabinet members should spend all day snoozing up a tree. He would have been a co-alarshan government. So, a co-alarshan government. He liked cricket as well, but he always liked to heat up his equipment before doing it. He always used a warm bat. LAUGHTER But he's certainly the former head of FIFA.

He likes to go on wildlife spotting journeys as well. But he has to travel around these days on his own in a special coach Constructed by former animated birds Daffy and Donald. He goes everywhere in his duck-built bladder bus Okay, that's a logical end of civilization So that is the end of this second live bubble in the history of the universe. It's been a great pleasure doing these couple of shows here in Melbourne. Please show your appreciation first for producer Tom Twiddling the knobs. Waving the microphone, great to have him back.

So they're wonderful, Zoe Koomsmar and Will Anderson. I mean, Anne is also a good bye. Well, there you go. And wasn't it lucky that we had a ready-to-go, already recorded episode in the can this week? The Google Audio News Paper for a visual world look! Because trying to record a new episode would surely have been impossible. So soon after the world was rocked to its quiver and core by the news that Prince Philip, the longest-serving, Queenial spousing British monochicistical history, is set to quit public

displays of monarch spousing. Rumour has it that Philip, the 96-year-old long-time squeeze of her majesty, the Queen, could be set to join Led Zeppelin as a marimba player or pursue his lifelong dream of working as a bingo caller. In the meantime, Britain will soldier on with tears in its eyes, with Prince Philip's place at public engagements taken by the Queen's new boy, the four-time Wimbledon semi-finalist Tim Henman. I'll be back with a fresh regular bugle next week with AnuVab Pal and every single relevant global event will be forensically bullshit back to rights. Do send in your emails to HelloBuglers at thebugelpodcast.com.

Until then, buglers, goodbye. I love a podcast audience because it's a bunch of people who normally do this thing by themselves, weirded out by being the other people. By which we mean... Thanks for coming, everyone! Thank you for all.