The Bugle - Bugle 4029 – Electile Dysfunction

Episode Date: May 19, 2017

Andy takes to the studio with Nish this week.They talk about camouflage, khaki and of course Basquiat.Also the UK election, President Trump and sports mascots. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, bugleaus! And hello again, in case you missed that first bit. And welcome to issue 4,029 of the bugle,

the officially sanctioned historical record of Phase 76 of the history of the universe. I am Andy Zoltzman, live in London, also in London, albeit a slightly different part of London, two meters away across a desk. It's the Susie Quattro of Satyrical Quamadie, Nys Kumar. Big intro. Big intro.

Well, I see you and Quattro's, you know, piece of the pod, Andy. Absolutely, piece of the pod, me and the quatt. Me and the Com Quatt. In fact, Com Quatt is the name of my double act with Susie Quattro, really. That conjures up a whole load of extremely disturbing images. How have you been? It's been a couple of months. Yes, a little while, Andy.

Yeah, how have you been? I've been... You've been on your travels. I've been hemispiring it up. You've come crawling back. Crawling back, yeah. This is my third hemisphere of the last month. Southern, northern, and Eastern.

Which side? Grenich, I'll... Western. southern northern and eastern. Which side of the Greenwich? Western. How was Australia? They like cricket over there. They do like cricket. They like cricket and white people. They like cricket and you're bringing bucks.

That's right. They like cricket and keeping people unnecessarily on small islands. What have you been, have you been any more globetrotting if you've been hanging out here, just soaking up the elections glory? I've been up into a little place called Croid and a couple of times, Andy.

Sweet. I made a glorious return to the football pitch this Tuesday, massive stuff, Andy. Right. I would describe my performances sporadically effective. Coming in off the left, playmaking force, you know, they don't just call me Rhea Admara's because they're being lazily racist. Let me rephrase that. They do call me Rhea Admara's

because they're being lazily racist. I forced a penalty, respectacular chip from 30 years that was handled by one of the centerbacks who claimed that he was in girl, which led to a slightly contentious moment with the referee, i.e. a collective decision made by all of the players. That is communist. Stepped up, missed it. Then... Shocking. ...five minutes later, forced another handball,

and stepped up, sent the keeper the wrong way, slashed the keeper, tripped over, and I kicked it the other way, depending on who you thought it. Sporatically effective is what we want on this show, because I hope you're not saying that form. This is Buckew 4,029. 4,029, incidentally the average estimated time in nanoseconds between Donald Trump opening his mouth and someone somewhere in the world saying,

oh, what now? Also, the number of people on average it takes to change a light bulb. If you include everyone involved in the manufacturer, transportation and retail of the light bulb, including the mining and creation of all the constituent parts of the light bulb, as well as the one or more people required to actually insert the light bulb at the bulb interface. This is the bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 22nd of May, on the 23rd of May, a couple of sensational anniversaries to mark this week, on 23rd of May, 1533, the marriage of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon was declared null and void.

Ouchy. The Pulse Panel verdicts was no score draw. One of the biggest breakups in romance history. They didn't just have to split up their music collection, which of course was trickier in the early 16th century. Yeah, absolutely. Who takes the loot player and who takes the loot? Exactly, well, exactly. You can't both have Brian. And Henry, get the whos in favour of chopping the loot player in half, although his half of a person,

generally just around the neckline. Yeah. And also very hard to play a half clavicle once you've karate chopped it to pieces. But they also had to split in entire religion. They split Christianity. Which is rather trickier than a load of CDs. So yeah, of course, it's rations that reverberate to this day, the old split of the Catholic Church in the Church of England. They'd been married almost 24 years before the split. And Henry packed another five wives into the last 13 and a half years

of his life since he loved getting married. A serious speedwifing from the big lad. And I imagine by the last wedding, he's toasted lost some of its enthusiasm. For better or worse, but let's face it, for worse. The Catherine of Arrogant Breakup took eight years from 1525 to 1533, basically from when he first started getting the hots for Miss Berlin and he got the quicker at that. He got quicker ending his relationships. It's kind of 21st century tinder style, although he tended to swipe downwards rather than sideways. On the 23rd of May 1618, the second deforenestration of Prague precipitating the 30 years war, wars had some proper

length in those days. Life was slower in those days, yeah, you're a hundred years war, you're 30 years war. People took their time, that's sweet. It's like test cricket. You've got to allow narratives to form. Exactly. You can't have any of these 20, 20 wars wherever in these days. Have you, have you ever defenestrated anyone? If I have, then I've done it unwittingly and would like to apologize. It was, yeah, the first defenestration of Praug in 1419. This is the second one on the 23rd of May 1618. Three men, lobbed out of

a window, 20 meters above the ground in a protest about Catholic suppression of the Protestants. They survived these three, 20 meters off the ground, they survived the fall Depending on well, it depends on who or what you believe the reason for their survival was either Divine intervention sure or landing in a massive and quite literal pile of shit Possibly both so did they land in a huge pile of Well, that's that's either they were saved by the almighty Almighty Lords or they landed in a massive pile of dung that was on the ground outside the window. He moves in mysterious ways, he saw those people falling and he was like, get me some dried fruit, stacks, get me some dried fruit, a black coffee, I've got believers to say. There must have been some slightly awkward conversations with the Almighty afterwards, the

survived men, God, thanks and all that. But next time we're going to save us from plummeting toward death, any chance that, and look, I'm not telling you how to do your job, but if there is an alternative to the massive pile of shit as a means of breaking the full, I mean, it would just be a pre... I'm delighted to be alive, don't get me wrong. But how about a fucking trampoline, right? Or about a sea castle? Or even a pile of fucking cardboard, but as I said, thanks. God, children's birthday parties would have been very different in those days if that was the bouncy castle. I was happy, Aithalan!

He is a huge pile of shit. Simpler times, and I expect would have been happy with it. Remember to say, go for your shoes first. That's the key. Defentestration, I believe, is sadly an underused form of political protest these days. Yes, yes. I'm in a truly free and open democracy.

There should be an official window above a government-maintained pile of dunes where you should be able to shove your elected representatives whenever you like. Until then, our democracy is a sham. What's EEDFenestration now, isn't it? Everything's electronic. So you have to throw people out of guess, out of using Microsoft Windows?

I guess that's very much like what you've done there, Nish. Oh God, I think I've caught your punning punning. There's a pun later on, but I've got a plan. Oh, all right, strapping everywhere. So it has been an increasing incidence of this, of the guest co-hosts bringing their own puns. Yeah, don't think I didn't hear that. Don't think I haven't listened to those, Addy.

Yeah. It's contagious. It's a lot of bringing your own tennis videos to Roger Federer's house. You are the Federer of puns. Not in really many in that way. I've got a lot of puns. Oh, right, sure. It definitely came across like that.

Oh wow, but yeah. Unless Roger Federer is also famous for his massive collection of tennis videos. I'm pretty sure he is. Do you really must have, I reckon he's got to keep videos of him, of his own matches. I mean, maybe not actual videos these days. Yeah, Federer still loves a beat of Matt. That was, he was, that was Joy Division song anyway. As always, the sex is going straight in the bin.

And this week to commemorate another anniversary, as we were called tomorrow, the 20th of May, 1875 was the signing of the meter convention by 17 nations leading to, eventually to the establishment of the international system of units, they standardized the meter. And our section in the minutes week is looking at now obsolete former units of measurement, including units of length, such as the worm, which proved too variable, dependent on such things as worm diet and worm childhood,

squigglyness of worm, and whether the worm was or wasn't busy having sex with itself, for instance, depending on how hot your worm was. Another distance that Saddagon had used is the Flob Royale, which is the distance, the 12th century French King Louis VI, also known as Louis the Fat, could spit from a seated position on his throne. Now this was reset every year on January the 1st. He did a new year's Flob, and it veryate, depending on all kinds of factors, especially if the windows were open. And I'm actually eating over Christmas.

Another sadly obsolete unit of length, the Schweinfleisch-Gerwurst Langemeter, briefly used German measurement tied to the length of the standard hot dog sausage. The problem arise with this, when an outbreak of the incurable pig shrink virus resulted in the sausage being reduced in length by an average of 40% causing total mayhem in the German tailoring industry, particularly with trousers. So when people ordered their standard leg length in swine flush, guverish, lenga meters, they came back because of the only now 60% as long as they used to be reaching just below the kneecamp, hence the invention of the later hosem. And later hosem, of course, literally means lighter hogs. Area, units of area, the cat swing. Oh, there's more. There's more, the cat swing.

That was enough room to, that's where the phrase enough room to catch. Calculated by the mathematical formula, two pie brackets, cat plus arm. Came to Britain with the Normans in the 11th century, of course, they love swinging cats and Normans and they measured people's properties for the doomsday book using cat swings as an average house size M was just 2.4 C.S.s. But then property was taxable centuries by the cat swing and hence eventually the British aristocracy thought,

oh, fuck it, we need to find some bigger cats, hence the empire and all those tiger skin rugs. I've never seen a man look more pleased with himself. Well, I've had a long week going out on tour and this was a 330 AM. Units of luminosity, the Joan of Arc, fairly self-asplanetary, not a British one. Speed the Peppats of the Cantor, the hobbling pope, that is, and I used to be illegal in 16th century up to move faster than a hobbling pope, right? And this dates back to when Pope Julius II broke his toe, kicking a bin on the way out of the Cysteine Chapel after seeing for the first time what Michael Angelo had done to his

ceiling, while shouting, quailer parted, he cannage or can they snooker noncapishi? Translated as what part of dogs playing snooker did you not understand? And a unit of silence. So, if you can measure silence, that's the ZDEG unit, the Zoltzmann debut Edinburgh gig. LAUGHTER

Not the worst gig I've had. The very first propagate I did outside a student venue in Oxford. And still the purest silence I've ever experienced. Oh really? Oh, Komar's had a couple of Z-Dags this week. Good Lord, I think I mentioned, I did one two days ago that measured on the Richter scale of Z-Dags.

Anyway, that section, all the rest of it, in the bin. Top story this week, Electile Disfunction. Very good. There you go. I learned from the best. That's a Billy Bragg album, I think. It is a Billy Bragg album. And his election season in the UK to reason may has called a snap election.

And the phrase snap election is definitely the most fun thing about the whole election. It is going to be a sobering few weeks for this country as the British public faces a choice of a person they don't really trust and a person they don't really like. We are not so much stuck between a rock and a hard place as we are stuck between a rock that we think might have sympathized with the I.O.R. and a hard place that may be trying to kill old people. Oh yes, the election no one wanted called for reasons no one particularly wants to think about. With the results seemingly so forgonically conclusionized. Is that a technical term?

That Theresa May could spend the next three weeks in a cryogenic freezer without affecting the result. If anything, in fact, her poll ratings might actually go slightly opposite, would make her seem a little bit warmer than she generally does. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But on you, mate, take that. This week, it's been manifesto week. Well, they don't really put the manifest into manifesto. Obfuscesto, perhaps, would be maybe a slightly more appropriate

to all the parties, basically been accused of turning back time to various degrees. That's right. And like, there's been accused of wanting to take us back to the 1970s. The Liberal Democrats quite openly want us to take us back to the 22nd of June, 2016, the day before we voted for whatever the fuck Brexit turns out to be. The Conservatives essentially seem to want to take us back to the late 16th century, when we had an all powerful female monarch and no one else was allowed to say anything. I got their election

leaflet through my letterbox and it had the word strong and unstable leadership. And we just like Bart Simpson at the start. At the start, and at the start. Just all over the front page. And then pictures of just no one but Theresa May. We should establish for non-Bridge Vueglis because people in Britain are so sick of hearing that phrase now. Strong and stable is very much the catchphrase of this election campaign.

It's very much the eat my shorts for the post 9-11 era. It's a strong and stable leadership. That's the message that Theresa May is trying to ram home by literally saying it at every conceivable opportunity. It's numbing the effect of it, strong and stable leadership, strong and stable leadership. All good work and no play makes Theresa a dull boy. You're all good work and no play makes Theresa a dull boy.

And you keep, wanna seemingly take Britain back to about 5 billion BC before the purity of this nation was solid by the evolution of life. You keep a still disputing the outcome of the battle of Hastings. Just set it up. Set out to the TV on fire. Yeah, exactly. Arrow was fired from an offside position. Yeah. There was an extraordinary an offside position. Yeah.

There was an extraordinary spectacle this week because the leadership debates are no more. We tried it for a bit and now we've decided that we've had enough of seeing our political leaders actually debate with each other. So yesterday, viewers on ITV were treated to a debate between all the leaders of the major parties except Labour and the Conservatory. Because Theresa May said that she wouldn't appear and Jeremy Corbyn said, well, if she's not doing it, I'm not doing it in one of the classically more infantile responses in British politics.

Right. I think I was out of the country when she decided not to take part. That's right. The kind of party line is that people don't want to see politician squabbling to which your answer is, they don't call a f***ing election. Another explanation I've heard is that they just couldn't find an extension cable long enough so that they could plug her in. I've watched Westworld and I know you don't want a robot running out of batteries halfway through doing something. Yeah, exactly. It wouldn't be ideal for the TV viewers if Theresa May has a fly land on her eyeball and doesn't flinch. So the leadership to make happened without Jeremy Corbyn or Theresa May who, again, for non-British vehicles are the only two people who mathematically can possibly win this election. And I was searching for an appropriate analogy. And unfortunately for me,

the only one that came to mind is that this debate would be a bit like if we had a debate to establish your best bugle co-host and then didn't invite John. But we know who you're all gonna vote for, but if you couldn't vote for him, who would you vote for? It's like having a political debate in a parallel dimension.

As a result of which, the TV audience was around about eight, I think. The coverage of the election so far has been very positive for Theresa May. The Daily Mail led with a front page that said, Alast, a PM not afraid to be honest with you. Now this may have something to do. In fact, the Daily Mail maybe just believes Theresa May's political positions are the right direction for this country to go in.

It may have something to do with the fact that James Slack is the former political editor of the Daily Mail, who is currently Theresa May's official spokesperson. But I cannot wrap my head around this idea that she is somehow honest. Bear in mind that this is a Prime Minister who repeatedly stated she would not call a general election this year, who has subsequently

called a general election, and who supported the remain campaign in the EU referendum, and is now pursuing a Brexit so hard that it's likely to force Prattamangit to change its name to food in it. The conservative manifesto had, well, I mean, some interesting things in. Sure, it was a, it was a spicy affair. Some, I mean, one one odd thing was that this place to clamp down on electoral fraud. Yeah. The electoral fraud that has been such a problem in this country that no one has noticed it happening or giving a shit about it.

I think it was something like 21 complaints. Yes, it's like microscopic. My last Edinburgh run generated more complaints than that. LAUGHTER Unless, it means the kind of electoral fraud that leads to labelling and concerted is getting massively overrepresented in Parliament due to our first-plus-the-post system,

the kind of results that would cost hundreds of millions of pounds, dollars, whatever, of bribes and backhanders in other countries. You get it for free over here, but just by using some quirky 18th century mathematics, or the electoral fraud that fills our second chamber with 800 representatives who've received a collective total of zero votes. That also looks dodgy. Look, Addy, remember the old British political saying,

it's not corruption if the person doing it is a rich, old white man. I believe that's written in Latin on the houses of Parliament. I mean, it is true that the checks for ID at polling stations are not the most rigorous in world and what. You can basically turn up. You find someone sitting there with a printed electoral roll with everyone's name and address on. You can basically go up and say, I am Brigadier Lord Minky Hound Gravelshit and I demand my ballot paper

now. What, what's your address please? It's 49 billion testicle street. I don't know that street. It's on the new housing development. Look, I'm just here on the, just cross that name out and give you a paper. I'm not sure I've ever turned up with my polling card. And, you know, you just sort of say, you know, I'm a thing, let you in. I think I might try this year to say, well, name is Jennifer Aniston, and my address is the flat above central Perk. See how far that gets me. So the manifesto itself, there's a couple of key issues that they're trying to push. One is obviously immigration, which is just constantly been. The two conversations we have are about immigration

and how we need less of it. And the other conversation that we have is how we never talk about immigrants. Pretty much our national political discourse summed up in a brief sound bite, right? The conservatives are pledging to reduce net migration to below 100,000 per year. But interestingly, this is something

that has been sort of to mooted around Brexit. But interestingly, Michael Fallon is the defense secretary who was interviewed about this on NewsNight. And he refused to call it a policy. He instead referred to it as an ambition. That's where we are now, Andy. The conservative manifesto is essentially a wish list,

which at this point you've got to treat new years resolutions. We all know that they're going to be broken within a month, but it's tradition, Goddammit. Fundamentally, manifestos are not so much promises or pledges as the kind of stuff that you put on an online dating profile. Just to get things moving. That's exactly. And you hope you suck people into a long-term relationship and then it becomes too much hassle to complain about the lies that began it.

Yeah, exactly. And judging by that. I'm sharing too much. Judging by their manifesto, the conservatives are swiping far right. The labor manifesto had a promise to not raise taxes for the lowest 95% earners and only to raise taxes on the top 5%. It was very easily interpreted as Labour wanting to tax the top 5% of earners a bit more. Labour wanting to tax everyone

a bit more and Jeremy Corbyn wants into establish Goulags and Cornwall and force everyone to work on collective farms. What's that? What a one way ticket to Siberia Parkway. She'll think I'm red hop on, vote for me. It very much depended which newspaper you read. Obviously the sums don't add up. That's fine. Sums never add up. Any half decent mathematician will tell you that. That's, yeah, any half decent or, you know, 40, five, there is as much chance of labor winning this election as there was of Britain voting to leave the EU and Leicester City Football Club winning the Premier League and America voting for a regurgitated carrot chunk from the bells of the Bills above

as it's president in the same year. And only two of those things happens, of course. Obviously, Donald Trump is not actually a regurgitated character from the Bows of Beels above. Metaphorically, and that's a different matter, but not literally. Yeah, some of the press coverage of older jazz or corpse, as you've alluded to, has not been particularly favorable. The evening standard, which is a circuit pipe that runs in London, led with the headline, Comrade Corbin flies the red flag, which is really beyond parity, like at this point in terms of alarmism. It also, what adds spice to it is the editor of the evening standard is one George Osborne, former Chancellor and Conservative Minister. At this point, the relationship between our political establishment George Osborne, former chancellor and conservative minister.

At this point, the relationship between our political establishment and the press is cedeer than Jeremy Corbyn's windowpoll. The interesting thing is, I know we've been talking a lot about how Labour have almost no chance of winning. They have had a pretty good week in the polls. Now obviously, we know from everything that's happened in the last 18 months that you can't trust polling. No, and also that is a bit like Captain Scott having had a good day on the way back from the South polls, isn't it?

Still got to, where's he going to win? It. But there is this sense of a sort of resurgence off the back of the manifesto. I don't know whether this is because it does seem like in terms of what we know about what the British public wants in terms of access to free healthcare and investment in education that a lot of Labour's policies currently chime with a huge amount of what the nation thinks, or whether it's because Jeremy Corbyn has lowered expectations to such an extent

that the fact that the Manifesto was largely written in complete sentences, everyone's like, wow, done Jeremy. And then he pulled a slightly gangster move this week. I don't know whether you... Did you watch Theresa May be interviewed by Robert Preston? I didn't see that, no. She was being interviewed by Robert Preston on the ITV News and they had this feature on it where everyone could ask questions via Facebook live because everything is terrible. And they opened it up to everyone to sort of weigh in. And Robert Pestin was looking at the list and he said, and now we've got a question

coming from Jeremy Corbyn in his LinkedIn. Corbyn asked a fucking question via Facebook live of Theresa May. Right. In what way has that a gangster move? Ha ha ha ha. Two gangsters now, before most of their transactions via Facebook, is this a moment out of the loop? Yeah. OK.

That's how it works. You're much closer to these. I've got much closer to the street. Yeah. Ha ha ha. But yeah, he asked her a question about how she, why she wouldn't debate him. And it is starting to look bad because as we've all established,

the country does not seem to trust Jeremy Corbyn for whatever reason, in spite of the fact that his policies are polling pretty well. But I think it is starting to dawn on people that if Corbyn is that bad, and may it still scared of him, how shit must she be? Well, how bad must she be if she's worried about

being sued on the same platform as him? Another labor policy is to renationalize the railways. Sure. Which is another thing that divides opinion in this country. Yeah, largely between people who use the railways and people who don't use the railways. I mean, the railways have their glitches currently

as my late appearance, this podcast, I don't know, if you could just cut out the silent 15 minutes before I turn up. It wasn't silent mate, I was doing some classic top level riffing. Definitely cut that out. I'm re-nationalising the rowways. Is it going to make things better? Yes. No, but at least when your train doesn't turn up,

or is so full that you've got to sit on someone else's shoulders who's taken a dump in the toilet. At least you know that the state is losing money rather than some business and somewhere making a f***ing mint on it. Well, exactly. We actually spent as much money subsidising our railways. I think between the years of 1996 and 2010 as France did on its entire nationalized railway service and French tickets on average are considerably cheaper than aftergives. When you think about privatising the railways, when you reflect on it, it does seem like a nonsense thing to do because the whole point about privatisation is that it's supposed

to provide competition, but you can't have competition, like there's only one fucking track. Like you can't race the trains. So what we've done is, instead of having one big monopoly, we've got a string of big monopolies that have no, like the only way for you to compete is if you're trained to Bristolish it, is to go, well, I'm gonna Scotland.

That'll teach you Bristol train company. Well, much more to talk about with regard to the election, including the Conservatives, very high profile reform of social care, which is, I think, making people quite afraid of the concept of death. Yeah. But we will talk about this in a couple of weeks at the live bugle at the Soho Theatre. That is now sold out due to a colossal public demand and millions of people wanting to see it

and be it being held in quite a small room. But there is another live bugle at the underbelly on the 13th of July, also featuring Nish and Helen Zoltzmann, my sibling. Time to move on to, across the Atlantic, and the trumpet section. TRIMPETS SETTLE Is Trump peachment gonna happen?

Are we gonna see James, Kobe, and the giant impeach? C-Coby, take down the comb over. Could the FBI bring the end of the FBI? And obviously we know what the F stands for The B can be whatever you want and the eyes probably idiot, but I'm sure there's alternatives for it These are such weird times. There's no way that Trump doesn't own one of those t-shirts This says FBI and where it stands for female body inspector. There is none There is simply no way if If he doesn't own one,

it's only because he doesn't know they exist. I mean, we need to look for the positives when it comes to that. I mean, Trump is not brought, he's not brought an excess of dignity to the office of President. That is probably the most polite summation of Donald Trump's period as President of the United States. On the positive side, it used to be, if you're walking along the street and you're trot in a massive pile of dog shit, that was quite an annoying part of your day. Now, if it happens, you look down at your shoe

and you think, that's amazing, my shoe has more dignity than the leader of the free world. So it's turned negatives into positives. He's got to take a lot of credit for that. Yeah, there's been more developments in the Trump Russia scandal this week. At this point, it's so hard to just to keep pace with what's going on because it seems like every single day an accusation is made, it's then refuted by the White House spokes people. And then the next day Trump says something that forces the whole accusation to made, it's then refuted by the White House spokespeople and then the next day

Trump says something that forces the whole accusation to be re-opened again. But they have now appointed a special councillor, I believe, is the title? Which is just news breaking actually, he's already been fired and Donald Trump has instead now appointed a new FBI director to head up the investigation to links between Trump at the Trump campaign and Russia. This will be led now by Mickey the Magic Sock. Holding up his hand with a sock puppet on it, Donald Trump said that Mickey the Magic Sock is completely impartial. He's what this country voted for. By the way, Ivanko designed the sock, $30 for three pairs for amazing socks. Robert Mueller is the former head of the FBI, is now the special council for the Russia investigation. And at the moment,

the questions that he needs to establish are whether there was any Russian interference into the election. And one of the other key things that needs to be established is was James Comey, the former director of the FBI, fired because he was investigating the Russian scandal. And there's been a sort of alarming development in the middle of all of this because we're finding out more and more about Komi's slightly fractious relationship with Donald Trump in the lead up to his dismissal. And it was so fractious that James Komi once tried to avoid Donald Trump by attempting to blend into the White House curtains to avoid being not just.

Well, this is, there's some proper cartoon hiding going on because it didn't show on a spider. He's no bus. I was hiding in the bushes. Yeah. But this is even more extraordinary. Let's see a picture of it. The New York Tobes has reported that Mr. Komi, who is six for eight inches tall, I was

wearing a dark blue suit that day, said that he tried to blend in with the blue curtains in the back of the room in the hopes that Mr. Trump would not spot him and call him out. Now, Andy, I'm showing you a picture of that. Would you say that James Comey is wearing a considerably different shade of blue on his suit than the curtains?

Yes, it's not super camouflage, is it? It's like a three-year-old playing hide and seek. Yes, one of America's top spies, I'll say. Yeah! That's reassuring. No wonder they've spent ages trying to find bin Laden. They're all busy disguising themselves as sofas. The strategy didn't work because Trump saw Komi

called to him by name and then apparently blew him a kiss, which I guess is a little bit like Michael and Fredo in the Godfather Part too. At this point, it's getting so partial that when the inevitable reboot of all the presidents meant men for the Trump era is made, they will not need to call Robert Redford a dusted Hoffman in. They simply just need to get Will Farrell and John C. Riley and turn the whole thing into a slapstick comedy.

It seems to be taking its toll on the Trump-Mister General for the first time, because at a commencement address this week, he claimed that no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly. Now, I mean, forgetting the raft of assassinations and imprisonments, the various politicians across the world have endured. His immediate predecessor was subject to constant accusations that he had not been born in America because he was black and Donald Trump should have known about that because those Constitucations were made by him And in Trump's Trump's close personal friends news

Nigel Farage who is Trump sort of sassy British sidekick said that he will pick up a rifle and car keys if Brexit is not properly Executed cockies as in KHA KIS drama, his CAR. That is Corky. He's just going to go for a drive. Yeah, calm down. Well, the point is, his exact quote was,

if they don't deliver this Brexit that I spent 25 years of my life working for, I don't recall the ballot paper saying, do you want a vote for Nigel Torres in Brexit? I'll be for a Don Corky, which was his mafia name, I believe, in the days in Sicily. Pick up a rifle and head for the front lines.

Yeah. He did defend himself by saying it was a metaphor, get a life to someone who'd complained about it. But it does make you think exactly what front lines is he talking about. Well, the thing is, if the battle happens in London, Carkey's not going to be very good for camouflage. That's very true.

He should probably disguise himself as a building or a Russian oligarch, shopping for a flat or a football club. He's pretty much dressed as that most. But also, if... If... And it's a big if. When does descending to civil war? Yeah.

It's much like to be more of a more fuss guerrilla style combat without defying geographical front line. Yeah. And also, where's he going, Nish? Well, as you go into the Syrian front line, again, Karki, probably not advisable, you want to go more kind of desert combat there. And also, who's side is it? Presumably, he will be on both sides attacking the innocent people in the middle of the Syrian

crisis, the worst and most dangerous of innocent people in the middle of the Syrian crisis. The worst and most dangerous of all people in the Syrian struggle, the potential refugees. Also, regardless of if I ever found myself in a war, I'm not sure an ex-stock broker who's seemingly spent the last 20 years doubting five points a day, as his five a day. It's going to be a particularly useful soldier. Like that man is gout with arms and legs. But it's just what a week for Trump and his best mate, Farage. At this point, Farage and Trump are to unimaginable stupidity

what Roger Federer and Raphael Nadal were to playing tennis. LAUGHTER Art news now, and big money transfer. Picasso's Fam Assees, Rubba Blu, or seated woman in a blue dress, big money transfer, 35 million pounds. It's gone for a painting of one of his former lovers, Dora Mar. You've got to also wear will Femme Assis fit in the Chelsea lineup? Very difficult to say.

And can it play in a 4-2-3-1 system, alongside Van Gogh sunflowers? I'm always looking at kind of squad rotation. It's a big call to have Mattich, Canté and the Picasso painting, vying for that holding midfielder spot. Also an untitled piece by Jean-Michel Basquiat, the French artist.

That's gone for £85 million. Wow. The first post-1980 artwork to smash the £100 million barrier shows if you're old enough, if you're good enough, you're old enough as an artwork. And it's a Paul Pogba of Paisis. That's right. You know, you're investing for the future. That is going to do a job for a long time, that's painting. I can see it fitting in on the left hand side of a big gallery wall, to be honest, the other title. In a free roll, maybe next to a big old fashioned target man up top, maybe a great big Renoir, or you want to go to school,

a Rubens, he'd bought a couple of nifty little houses doing the mid wall donkey work. It could be a very successful signing. Yeah, sounds very much like the job I did at football on Tuesday. BELL RINGS Sport news now and huge news niche for London as a sporting entity.

The mascots have been unveiled for the 2017 World Athletics Championships. Right. To be held in August in the great city of London 2012. The two mascots for the World Athletics and the Parathletics Championships with B the B and Hero the Hedgehog following on in the proud footsteps

of Matt DeVille and Wendlock, the 2012 mascots. Yeah, those weird penis islands. Yes, well, they were modelled on fossilised mammoths, berms, in fact, that were found on the site of the Olympic stadium. Let me just descriptively show you the two mascots on your audio screens at Homebueglers. Here are the hedgehog. Just imagine a 1980 soft rock star crossed with a hedgehog and then dressed like a 70-year-old retired weirdo on holiday in Florida, Bingo, you're in.

Perfect animal to be a mascot for big sporting events, the head chug, because it has a propensity to curl up into a tight ball and hide itself from the real world. Sport is my head chug, which I think is Barack Obama's first book. Heroes, hero of the head chug's inspiration, his mother, although he does admit she could be a bit prickly. Thank you very much. Whisby, the mascot for the World Parathetic Championships, also held in London this summer. A B, missing four and a half of its six legs. With one and a half, it has in touch surgically attached to its abdomen, rather than its thorax, the traditional place for B legs.

Byweve compensation does boast two human human style arms and have a running blade, which is a nice touch, but you would have thought of limited value to a creature best known for flying. It also, the worrying thing for me, Nish, is that Wizby does have a sting. I'm sure everyone is hoping it's not deployed during the course of the championships for obvious reasons. I mean, kids don't want to see a mascot getting a bit scared, lashing out with it's ting, and then just slowly dying on the track. Wizby's likes, pollen flowers hanging out in hives and matriarchal mononkees, Wizby's dislikes rolled up newspapers and wasps,

who are too much guilt by association. But I hope they enjoy the celebrity and start on while it lasts, Nish, because sports fans' affections are fickle when it comes to mascots as manderville and whenlock would testify. Manderville, tragically, I'm in its now in almost five years on since his heyday, fell upon very hard times after London 2012. Blue, all his Olympic earnings on drink, drugs

and cosmetic surgery to bleach the embarrassing blue pigmentation all over his crotch, was thrown out of a Brit Awards last year after turning up drunk and demanding to do a duet with a singer pink, blaming the two had briefly been an item. Currently reported to be considering a career change, mandible and retraining as a traffic cone. Whilst whenlock, sadly, not much better, spent eight months in prison after urinating through the railings at Buckingham Palace in 2014 while shouting, while shouting, remember me, Lizzie, we gig together two years ago. Somewhat recovered after going to a rehab camp with other obsolete mascots, including Zakumi,

the leopard from the 2010 football world cup in South Africa, who narrowly escaped death at the hands of poachers, of course. Word is the pelt from a genuine world cup mascot, confects up to $9 million in China, where it's used in traditional medicine as a treatment for ambivalence about pointless pursuits. I think the Conservatives are trying to re-legalize mascot hunting as part of their manifesto commitments. Well, no one wants to see another Ronnie the Raccoon from the 1980 retro Olympics. Also in rehab, it's been a bit of time with his hero, in fact, Naren Gito, the 1982 World Cup Orange, who's hideously exploited

and the 1990s by illegal Quanto traders. Terrible, how's these creatures? Your emails now, and this came in from Kelly on the subject and this got my attention instantly, Nish, actual academic research into bullshit. My ears are burning. Um, Kelly writes, dear favorite bullshiters, a friend of mine sent me this article, Apply entitled, on the reception and detection of pseudo-prefound bullshit. I'll give you a quote.

Is this a review of one of your Edinburgh shows? Because that's a dick move to send that to you. I'll give you a quote from the best abstract I have ever read, right, Kelly. Although bullshit is common in everyday life and has attracted attention from philosophers, right from Aristotle to the present day. Yeah, absolutely. It's reception, brackets, critical or ingenuous, has not to our knowledge been subject

to empirical investigation. Here we focus on pseudo-prefound bullshit, which consists of seemingly impressive assertions that are presented as true and meaningful, but are actually vacuous. That's a dangerous road to go, though. Oh, God. Kelly says, I wanted to share this with you all

because, aside from being an interesting read, it has to hold the record for most uses of bullshit in a peer reviewed article. A total, including the title of 197 uses of the word bullshit. That is incredible. That's a lot. That's a lot of bullshit. 197, of course, so I don't actually

Michael Vaughn's high score and test cricket. He formed really in cricket captain. Taa! Anyway, do send your emails in to HelloBuglers at theBugelPodcast.com but it is great that bullshit is finally getting the academic record. Yeah, I feel like that we should share that

on some sort of, on the website maybe. It does feel like it's finally the academic justification this podcast has demanded and frankly deserve. Yeah, because I think bullshit, it's, it's had a, got a bad rap in this age of fake news. Yeah, yeah. It's a much, it's a much noble of a shoot. Yeah, it's a much noble of fake news.

It was, it was fine when it was just you bulging, but when it was the president of the United States, it starts to become a bit more of a problem. Vote Zoltzman. Vote Zoltzman 2020. The campaign starts now. I'm gunning for a position as VEEP. NISH. Great, heavy back. Thanks so much. Nish will be back on in two weeks with the live bugle from Soho Theatre, which we will put out highlights of as the regular bugle for that week, as well as the live bugle. Also, Soho Theatre, political animal on the 25th and

29th of May, and the 3rd of June. I'm doing another Saturdays for high show at the underbelly on the 20th of June. Nishu got anything to plug? I've got a show at the Bush Theatre on the 3rd of June at 6.30pm. It's a new hour of hot comedy from a man who in no way has to Google himself to find out where his gigs are that week. That brings us to the end of this week's Google. I'll be back next week until then, Beagle is goodbye. Bye. Long Beagle today. Long Beagle. Long Beagle. And we also managed to get through that Komi Curtin's thing without any point saying, pull yourself together. That is an opportunity, Mitch. Maybe I'll tag that on the end, right?

I'll tag that on the end. Right at the very end.