The Bugle - Bugle 4030 – AAA

Episode Date: May 27, 2017

The Bugle's Triple A team of Andy, Al Murray and Alice Fraser react to the Manchester attacks before moving onto the news people need right now: massive Brazilian emeralds, horse trams and flamingoes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, be you glows and welcome to issue 430 of the Bugle the Universe's leading and

only audio newspaper for a world almost not statistically obsessed with its own visuality. This is the show for the week beginning Monday the 29th of May 2017. I am Andy Zoltzmann, comedian, non-functioning acrobat and demeritous professor of factuality from the University of Vilge. Live from the emerging continent of Britain in London, the formerly known in ancient times as Londonium before it was shortened to just the first two syllables because no one could ever get to the fourth syllable UMM without whomever they were talking to saying get the f*** on with it I'm f***ing busy. It's another two guest bugle, bugle us firstly. On bugle debut, almost 500 years since his appearance on the bugle was first leaked or foretold,

which in ways see it by the 16th century, Suth saying sensation, Mike Nostradamus, the French foreteller, the provinceal prognosticate to himself who wrote the present time together with the past Shall be judged by a great jovialist it points to one thing and one thing only a great jovialist one of Britain's finest comedians who will judge the present time I appear on the bugle of the Happenings and more as of the contemporary world and who will also also judge the past, it has to be someone who has also presented his three shows on TV, Andrew N. History book.

So this is no surprise you're not only has been tracking that prophecy since Big Nose, I cranked out the cryptic and prophesied the shit out of it way back in the 16th century. It's mild host from the bitter rival radio show 7 days Saturday and 7 days Sunday. They could never quite get on at the same time. It's Al Mori. Hello, Andy. Hello, Al. I'd love me to have you on the table.

That is the, and I've been introduced before to things, but never such lengthen. Yeah, it did get a bit out of the store. It's like a store. It's really very special. Yeah, I mean, it's, that's basically most of the show, John already. No, anything to eat into my contribution.

I'm happy with that. And rejoining the people once again, putting me not here No, anything to eat you into my contribution. I'll have to leave it there. And rejoining the bugle once again, putting me not here into Northern Hemisphere, because she's very much on the other side of the equator. 10,509 miles away from this studio if you go on a dead straight line, which if you're going by foot is not advisable. Down the line from Australia, it's Alice Fraser. Hello, Alice. Hello, hello, Andy, how are you?

I'm very well, thanks. Lovely to have you back on the, on the bugle, albeit that, I mean, the last, the previous times we've recorded, you have been, you know, feet away from me, rather than 10,500 miles, so, but it's still... It doesn't feel any different. I don't know. That says a lot for what it's like being in a room with you, Andy. That doesn't matter. That says a lot for what it's like being in a room with you Andy. It's been on the show for two minutes. This is, we're recording on Friday the 26th of May, exactly 200 years to the minute since 17 AD and Germanicus, the Roman army general and Giulio Claudian Dinnesty Celeb, father of

the notorious Emperor Caligula, returned in triumph to Rome after some victories over German tribes, including the Bruchterri, the Cherusky and the Chate. Genuine tribe defeated convincingly by the Cret Roman legions, the Chate in their characteristic Chate style, just really sat around having a good old natural about stuff of no particular relevance,

gossiping about the invading Romans and their clever catapults and stuff, exchanging cooking tips and dating advice and telling each other about what funny things their children had said. And having a good chinwag about football and the pop charts while the Romans eve dropped from under their shields in their tortoise formation, before savagely attacking the Chateau who went down, bravely, if verbosely, prattling on about how smart the Romans looked in their lovely uniforms and how shiny their spears were. The Romans found themselves drawn into a conversation by the Chatee, but after a nice cup of tea and a catch-up, silence their adversaries with

brutal military mites, even as they were being complemented, on how efficient they were as okay-hesive military-killing machine. Germanicus and his legions were unused to such laquacious opponents, especially after their tough winter campaigns. Against such tribes as the Grumpy and the Northern Alps, the Salkey and what is an Abel of area, and of course the Solitary, the most anti-social of all tribes, albeit one who's military tactic of refusing any assistance and defending their own individual hut with a pitchfork and some fruity language, was of limited use against a well-equipped army of thousands.

Germanicus, of course, returned in triumph to Rome with captives from his campaign, some of which he gave to his little ad-calicular as a presence. Might have shaped the lads psyche a bit on reflection as he was given chieftains from the conquered tribes, the horny, the kinky, and the depravity. LAUGHTER Bit of history for you, Al.

You like history, don't you? Well, yeah, the things we don't really know much about, but then some cancel. This is no one can really argue with it. That's right. It's much more missing than the stuff we know. So filling boots, or your sandals on this occasion. Can you fill a sandal?

Well, surely there's physical issues with that on there. Philosophy hasn't got read today, yeah. Right. The question of whether you could fill a sandal on that. That were a time out. In 1938, on this day, the House Unamerican Activities Committee the question of whether you could fill a sondal or not. Matter of time, man. In 1938 on this day, the House Un-American Activities Committee began its first session, mostly focused on cricket, snooker, and drinks and receptacles smaller than half a liter.

And today is National Paper Aeroplane Day in the States. So happy paper aeroplane day to all our American listeners. Funny isn't it how metal, despite being heavier than paper, has ended up being used for making airplanes. That's one of the great R&D's. That is what that is, actual mystery. And Alice, it's National Surrey Day in Australia. Are you aware of this?

Yes, I mean, has everyone been going round apologising for appalling historical crimes, which is what it was... Everyone looks a little bit sheepish. Right, okay. It's that as far as it goes? I mean, it's literally the least we can do for, you know, hundreds of years of massacres and various oppressions, but seems also to be the most we can do,

or the most we have done. Yeah, but sometimes less is more. You're maybe not in this case. In this instance, I think less is very, very much less. And what is the week, the bugle for the week beginning, the 29th of May. And that means it's a happy 100th birthday to John F. Kennedy born on May the 29th, 1917, supposedly the son of Joseph P. Kennedy and Rose Kennedy, although I reckon the CIA gave birth to him secretly or all the mafia, maybe some shady Cuban side of the country.

The youngest man ever lived. The youngest man ever to be born. That's an amazing. Yeah, it's incredible. Yes, so much so many. I reckon that maybe he was Russian. Probably. I don't know.

There definitely wasn't his parents just to say convenience. Which you say if you're in a Russian accent, that makes it believable. Right. You say anything in a Russian actor that makes it believable these days. Yes, that's the problem. Yeah. And that anything in a Russian actor that makes it believable these days? Yes, that's the problem. Yeah. And that's basically it. Big Putin, that's the lobby of work.

Da. As there we go. There you go. That's a point proof. That's a point proof. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight into being this week. Summer fashion. As always this section of the bugle is going straight and have been this week summer fashion and we look all the definite no-nose for this summer's fashions obviously I'm right at the cutting edge

of of couture and clothing trends we look at the whale skin balaclava wrong on so many levels anaconda leggings make sure they're dead first. That's also Anaconda leggings the clothing item made of a massive snake. Not the cornerback just signed for the new NFL franchise, the Portland punks. They're distinct to Mohican style helmets, they're very useful in the NFL season. We look at the breeze frock, breeze block dresses, of course, all the rage as brutalist Soviet architecture gets a catwalk makeover. But they are at best in practical. Other architectural fashion items coming out this summer, the Brachini, Ditto, just make

sure you use a good quality cement. Also the Zucchini, just cause yet, just don't have quite the width of the vegetables, make the Zucchini anything other than intimidating or revealing. And we look at other beachweights, including bread-mewdish shorts, which might be okay Just cause yet, just don't have quite the width of the vegetables to make the zucchini, anything other than intimidating or revealing. And we look at other beachwe're including bread muder shorts, which might be okay on the trendy high fashion catwalks of Melan, Los Angeles, Tash Kent and Croydon.

But you wear a bread muder shorts to the beach, and you are one hungry seag while away from a very socially awkward situation. That section in the bin. Out, I mean, this is your, this is your bugle debut. And I think I've managed to break you with before we've even got to the first actual story. Yes, you have.

Right. Yeah, but I... It's a personal triumph, I think. Well, no, this is good, because this is very enjoyable, because the boots on the other foot, when we used to do seven days a Sunday, I do the rambling monologue, half written thing. Half written?

Thank you, that's... And you. At least three times written. Thanks for round the numbers. It's nice to be on the receiving end. So yeah you've broken me already. You have bread, beauty shorts. Very bad for the gluten intolerant. Yes, yes, sorry. I do apologise to any. Passing celiac. Yeah. Performing celiac. Hey, but it's passing celiac. I don't know if you can have celiac testicles. We're getting into a lot of, can you fill a sandal and can you have celiac testicles? Right, we're going to... I suppose it depends who the testicles are attached to.

I guess, I guess, I mean that's so often the case, isn't it? With testicles. I mean that's fun. I mean all at the very least who't it? With testicles. I mean, that's for... I mean, all at the very least who they used to be attached to. Yeah. Surely in bread-muda shorts, your glutes look great. Very good. Thank you, Chris.

Oh, very good. One of the producers are bringing puns to the show. We know we're reaching a very high peak of autistic achievement. Time to bring your attention to a special radio-topia-wide project, welcoming a new show, Intruby Radio Topia Family, the Ear Hustle podcast coming soon features stories of life in prison told and produced by those living it at San Quentin State Prison. In support of Ear Hustle, all radio topia shows are releasing an episode in response to the theme Doing Time. Check out radiotopia.fm to find all of the doing time episodes in one

place. Or listen to some old Johnny Cash records. You're cool. Have you ever done time Andy? Done time. No. No. My wife spent quite a bit of time in the slammer, but I was a lawyer. Before we get started on the show, this has been in Britain another week in which terrorists have inflicted utterly pointless tragedy on the innocent. It's been another horrifically depressing week. It was an act which even within the moral compass of terrorism, a compass which points unirringly and unremittingly towards total f***ing

hurry was utterly horrific. The response, as the response always is dignified, defiant and heartbroken. The response of politicians, the, you know, the same old, we will not let the terrorists win. I'm not sure this is even defiant saying we will not let the terrorists win. I think it's just basic logistics because if you look at the latest opinion polls, there have come, I was a lot of opinion polls around the time of the election. Terrorism in general, the latest opinion poll, 0.0.0% approval rating, rounding it down to the nearest 100th of a percent. I see it's also no real upward bounce at 0.0.0% even under proportional representation. They would need a parliament with what, hundreds of thousands of seats in it, even have a chance

of getting in and even then no one's going to work, want to work in coalition with them. Donald Trump described him as losers, which suggests he was listening to the bugle. I think we covered the same thing just a few weeks ago. Is this the first time he's had a point? Trump? I think one of the problems is he's called everyone else losers. He's called absolutely everyone else losers. So it, it loses the currents.

It does somewhat undermine. I mean, I actually thought it was quite odd, that speech, the Trump speech, because I sort of thought, yeah, I kind of generally agree with most of that. Right. It's hard not to disagree with it. But the fact that the currencies is used, is used losers so much. I mean, everyone's a loser in his book, it just, you sort of think, well, all right. And also, you, well, I really want on occasions like that, sort of, it's some rhetoric. Right. And dignity. Dignity rhetoric. Stuff like that is some rhetoric and dignity.

Good to see rhetoric, stuff like that, you know, understatement, even understatement, you know what I mean? We know we don't need telling, so I don't know. Not everyone has responded with tolerance and dignity. Some of our so-called newspaper columnists have been rather scraping the bottom of whatever barrel they currently live in. And what I do worry is Reacking to intolerance with intolerance because this is not like mathematics a Negative times a negative does not equal a positive

It intolerance times intolerance is just exponential intolerance. I do wish we'd Certain people would grab it in the wake of these Horrifying atrocities. Alice, that's speaking of which. Speaking of which, there was certain columns in Australia as well that took, well, a kind of almost jauntily dickish response to this story. Yes, in No Low to Low News, Australian Literary Magazine, editor Roger Franklin decided he was going to leverage the appalling tragedy into a petty political vendetta against Q&A, which is a Monday Night Light political debate program that airs on the ABC.

So he wrote an opinion piece saying that had there been a shred of justice, the Manchester Blast would have detonated in an ultimo TV studio because he'd wanted to punish the ABC for refusing to acknowledge the true causes of terrorism. And I don't know, I could tend that had there been a shred of justice, Franklin would have been sidelined by a terrible case of colon evacuation and the time he spent in the toilet pooping out his dreams would have been just long enough to make him think twice. You know, maybe he'd think between spurts of hot rectal regret. Oh, you know what's not actually cool? Tribalizing the murder of children by co-opting the weight of their senseless death to add force to a metaphor in a minor literary spat. And then he would have

wiped his bottom and not suggested that lefties and moderate Muslims being on television should have been the rightful target of an incredibly wrongful attack. I don't know. Well, I mean, so the shred of justice is doing a lot of work there for him, isn't it? I mean, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, it's... You can be reliably relied upon to bring some spectacular bodily analogies to... Generally, you're pretty much your first full sentence on each bugle you've been on, has rocketed right into the top five of most, or crudest things ever said on this show. I'm sorry, I'm thought as if there's very well spoken in Australia.

Oh, no, absolutely. The two are not mutually exclusive, unquestionably. I just think his dig is the equivalent of responding to a bad history report card by suggesting that if there were any justice, Miss O'Brien would have been burned to death as a witch in Salem. It's just completely disproportionate. And the quadrant editor, so this is the magazine it was published in, he's a prominent historian, Keith Winshuttle, he's a former ABC board member and author of the Charming 2002 book,

The Fabrication of Aboriginal History. He told Fairfax Media when they asked for comment, you're talking bullshit, don't call back, which is simultaneously a most charmingly Australian and insanely douchey way to respond to a call for comment. Well, political campaigning has been suspended for most of this week, in the aftermath of what happened in Manchester. So we've decided to take a quick trip round some stories from around the world that might not have hit the global headlines.

Beginning with this. Top story this week. I love man, horse tram service resumes. That owl sounds like a cryptic crossword clue. No, it's an actual fact. It's an actual news story. So the news is that the I love man, well known offshore tax tax area and motorbike holiday resort has restored its horse taxi service. Now that headline might in itself make you think, huh, they're heading back to the 50s before May wins the election, but no,

actually, it's due to a temporary hiatus and the normal horse tram service is being resumed. So it's not that they've brought back a tram service, it's that they've had to stop the horse tram service while the horses have been poorly. Apparently the service was suspended because the horse was suffering a respiratory problem. Now the way this story was written suggests why, the 140 year old Bay Horse.

Well that's it right there. Give the horse a break. I mean I got puffed out coming down the stairs, the studio, I'm 149. That horse is dragging tourists to rent. So he must be puffed. Now, I think this might be a thin end of the wedge planet of the horse's warning sign. The revolution, the uprising has begun. Horses have had to put up with our bullshit since the dawn of time and of all places for this uprising to begin, for symbolism to really kick in the Isle of Man where the horse revolution begins.

Ponies and horses, donkeys joining together, the three species of horse, I think that's the three species of horses, isn't it? Ponies, donkeys and horses. Yeah. Rocking and rocking and rocking. Right, what about zebra? Zebra. Zebra, another...

Well, no, that's the forthcoming horse, zebra war. I'll keep I most of the third millennium. But I'll just, this story is, it's, because if you've been to the Iron Man Andy. I haven't, no. Yeah, I've worked there a fair bit, and it's, it's own place. It's how I'm going to put it. Yeah. Clarke's and has a big house there.

They only gave up birching quite recently. All that sort of thing. So that there's a horse tram there, isn't a surprise. Isn't a surprise to be honest. Right. What else are they rocking over there? Is it the iron lung?

I mean, I want to see some old stuff come back. I want to see the phonograph and the cross-bobelister and the tell-ex. OK. Well, what I can tell you is the last time I went there in the window of one of the hotels or bars along the front in Douglas, there was a great big Goliwag type item in the window. Right. So I don't know, they're dated at best.

Yes, possibly. I mean, I've always had a wonderful time there. I'm not, I'm not, I come to, I come to praise you, man, not to bury it. But, you know, I mean, although I do, there's retro aspects, like you're saying, Alice, I mean, asbestos, that's not a bad press, isn't it? Yeah. It's bad in the long term, but in the short term, if your house is burning down, that's for a different term. I think we're in too long termists. But you have to be better specialists.

All about the negatives in the modern media, isn't it? Yeah, we don't have to go so far back to have some good outcomes. If we stapled phones back to the walls, you'd get fewer wankers texting in traffic. And if we brought back trial by combat, a lot of people on Twitter would pull their fucking heads in. The show I'm touring at the moment is called Let's Go Backers Together. I propose returning to 50s, but with ABS power steering, possible flat screen HTTV. Right, faster over, HN test cricket. Yeah, exactly, right on, bugle.

Exactly, and the thing is, the thing is, I called to show that this time last year, let's go back together, and the Tory manifesto last week was forwards together, and you think, you're f**kers. You're f**kers, you're ripping me off here. Yeah, my forwards and backwards eventually meet. Well, this, the horseshoe. My forwards and backwards eventually meet. Well, this is the horseshoe area forwards and backwards.

Yeah. I've been in favour of witchcraft trials coming back. For the financial sector though, because I think clearly, you know, white collar crime does not respond to the threat of conventional justice. No. Well, conventional justice doesn't seem to carry through for white collar crime anyway. That is true, but if they were just going to get chucked at a pond at the first side of Mr. Meena,

I think you'd see them fill in their central tonnes more accurately. It's a big pond in the city of London, that'd be quite a go. Actually, that's part of the utopia, isn't it, right there? I'm pretty sure that's all the way up there. I'd rather like if you're not shorting stock, you sink. Oh. LAUGHTER It's interestingly, the horse tram was first threatened with closure in January 2016 after making more than a quarter of a million pound loss the previous year.

I mean, it's paying these horses. Exactly. It's one of the first rules of economics. Horse tram services don't grow on trees. LAUGHTER Very often turn a big profit off the horse tram. It does suggest, I mean, the Lodites will rise again in their manually operated crank platforms.

And maybe this is the Isle of Man's attempt to, you know, to notoriously dangerous place for high speed motorcycle racing. They have the TT, which is there amongst the most lethal sporting events in the, maybe the horse tram shows that they need to slow things down. That's right.

It could definitely be. I mean, what's interesting is it is several horses and they've all got the same thing. And I really do think this is the horses going to have a f***. All right. Come on, cough. Like that. And they've been, I mean, this could be just horses swinging the lead. This is why I'm concerned that this is beginning a planet of the horse.

Right. That is a legitimate concern. Yeah, well, why not? Yeah. I mean, the last time I had a respiratory illness, I was a little horse. Oh, yes! That pun is 10,000 miles away from us. I can still smell it.

It seems almost not worth going on with the rest of the show. The latest fitness bulletin is coming through, not just respiratory issues from the Bay Horse,way horse squad. Rosie the horse, Twig to Fetlock yesterday trying to outrun a bus, proof that the tram service can still cut it in the modern world. Pertula the horse, indigestion from overgrazing in between shifts. They're very much overworked these tram horses. I mean it's fine if you're Thomas the Tangenge. You know if memory serves you do an impression of a horse. I don't know. I didn't impress it or not just interview a horse. I think you interviewed a horse. Yes you did. No. Yes you interviewed a horse. I

stan corrected. Yeah. I'll see if I can get one on for the next week. Was that on your show he did that because I think he's done that on the Bugle as well. He did it on my show. He definitely did it on my show, he definitely had quite a long interview with the horse. The horse had lots to say as well. It was like the horse was in the room with us. Yeah, for some of it. Well I'm a very searching interview. Can I finish my fitness bulletin? Yeah, sorry, absolutely crucial for people betting on the horse the horse tram races this weekend Bust of the horse done is back during rush hour when the ended up with 50 commuters sitting on him Champ the horse he could be out of tramming for a month after electrocuting his mouth on the overhead cables

So when on an exchange scheme with a tram from San Francisco Didn't work out either way The an Isle ofhors tried to breed with the San Francisco tram and that with a metal pommel horse which is absolutely no use in gym. Are there any fancy trams in Melbourne Alice? Am I right? I think there's a dinner tram. Yes, there is a dinner tram for when you want to simultaneously have the romantic meal and go round corners really fast.

That narrows it down a bit, doesn't it? It's a very specific audience of tourist shumps. Let's move on now to a Brazil section and sensational Brazilian justice story breaking this week. A woman who stole an Easter egg and a chicken breast has received a harsher jail sentence than people involved in essentially a multi-billion dollar corruption scandal, which I think tells you a lot about the way Brazilian justice was.

I mean, I guess the problem for, she got sentenced to three years in jail and the problem is particularly with political corruption in Brazil. If you jailed every corrupt politician in Brazil, well you would end up with a woman who just stole an easter egg as president, probably. So, certain caps that we put on it. While we were off air during the hiatus last year, Dilma Rousseff, the former president,

was impeached. And at that point, 352 out of 594 members of the Brazilian Senate were facing criminal accusations. Boom! That's impressive logistics. It's going to be able to multitask as a politician. That is impressive. I think it's all about incentives. Like, we don't want petty crime, we want big giant, white collar crime. If she didn't want to go to jail for three years, she should have defrauded millions of dollars from the tax paying proletariat instead of being one. Well, exactly. I mean, there was reasons given in the debate in which Rusev was impeached. This was from the parliamentary debate in which fellow politicians gave reasons why they wanted to impeach her ranging from

for the foundations of Christianity for all Brazilian doctors for the sake of the BR429 which is an interstate highway for quotes my unborn daughter Manuela that was a reason for impeaching the president for my 93-year-old mother, who's at home, for my beloved military police of Sao Paulo? I mean, I've not heard military police described as beloved before. That's a world first, right there. For the truckers, someone who may have just misheard the question. And for the birthday of my granddaughter,

I mean, what kind of present is that to give to a grand child? What have you got me? What have you got me, grand, a big government? I've got a lot of you impeachment. I want it a fucking train set or a bicycle. Thing is, I'm quite happy with this woman going to, Charles, this is someone sticking out for Easter. Cut the months ago, we saw Easter under relentless assault

by the forces of people who don't like Easter, political critics gone mad, et cetera. So someone going to prison for stealing an Easter egg, it's the Easter fight back starting right now. I'm 100% behind this. Right, so I guess Brazil is famously a very Catholic country. Yeah, and they're just digging in for Easter, someone finally sticking up for Easter.

So it's too much. Yeah, bring back the real meaning of Easter, which is murdering a Jewish rabbi. Yeah, absolutely. Brick, yeah. Was he a rabbi? Jesus. He's become a default rabbi.

Was he a trailing rabbi, wasn't he? He's one of the cool young rabbi's, man. He's a great red box. Of course, I mean, in a Catholic country, stealing an Easter egg is, they do believe it is physically stealing the actual physical testicle of Christ. Yeah. Rather than a metaphorical testicle of Christ, it would be in an anglican country. Yeah.

So that's, I guess, the big difference. Yeah, Tranball stops to actually actually wear this coat. I couldn't actually pun that. I just tried to insert a word and failed. You're asking too much of me. Sorry. Yeah, you know, I think Easter eggs is good. Easter's sacred, man. You know, only two months ago Theresa May deliberately misunderstood some publicity material to make a point about Easter.

So I think, you know, this is good. The fight back starts here. Right. What was the reason why you're here? Remember the Cabris Easter Egg hunt? You've said this to take the word hunt as far away from it, the Cabris Easter Egg hunt. And she said they've taken the word Easter off the publicity with the National Trust.

And they hadn't done that. They hadn't done that. And she'd been, she was just sort of on maneuvers, you know, like traditional values or whatever. As far as I can work out. And it caused one of those sort of, one of those sort of, our way of life is under attack type reactions. When he,

King isn't. He's, King isn't. Right. And it's this thing you know like Christmas This makes me so angry when people are going about Christmas. Oh, Christmas is under attack Well, that is that why Christmas is swollen up in reaction to August like as a sort of anaphylactic shot reaction

Christmas is swollen to the you know I'm quite happy for the Christmas to really start with Advent in December. Right. What happy with that? Right, that's fine. Right, but it's tough to be in the shops in August. How can you possibly argue that Christmas is under threat? Right.

It's obviously, it's like, it is. It's like it's swollen up in reaction to it. And eventually it'll be Christmas all f***ing year in order for Christmas to defend itself. It's a f***ing madness. It might be really angry this. Evidently. God! The song, I wish it could be Christmas every day. Well, of course, it's economically illiterate.

I mean, it would be total chaos. It's an utter chaos. Because if everyone's off work, who's making their presence? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, it's always the economic of this idea. Yes. Christmas every day would be my nightmare. We do nightmare for you, Alice. Oh, yeah. Yes. Christmas every day would be my nightmare. We're not there for you Alice. Oh yeah I hate Christmas. First of all I hate fun and second

of all like how many drunken ants can you take out of the bushes like. Another very interesting philosophical question. But who sang that? I wish it could because it was there the day. That's... Boy would always. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that like the bad thing about Nania at the beginning? No, it's never Christmas, never mind. Retracted.

But since... It's interesting that since that song was released in what must be in the mid 1970s, Christmas has expanded. Yes, gradually. Does this make this the most influential song ever written? I think possibly in a thousand years time. Right. We'll look back. They'll look back and go, yep, that's it. That's the

moment economic and social naivety. The nostradamus of capitalism. Yeah, yeah. Got us stopping so idealistic as a species. Alice, there was another Brazilian story that you found about an enormous piece of bling. Yeah, miners found a 1.3 meter tall emerald weighing more than 270 kilograms in Brazil's northeastern state of Bahia.

I don't know how that's pronounced. There's about 20 days ago, there were miners of the Bahia mineral cooperative, which is the most effective cooperative I've ever heard of. If it's anything like the university housing co-op that used to meet in a cafe near my house, it was probably never got past the debating phase of getting that thing out of the ground, but I'm against it really. I'm against that big and emerald existing. I mean, what are the risks of RSI to someone wearing a ring who's something that big on it? The risks strength alone would require the wearer to be,

if not a giant, at least a giant wanker. I mean, yeah, it's not the most romantic gift, is it? A 270 kilogram jewel. You can only use it for one thing, which is beaming a laser through it to blow up the moon. That's what an emerald that big is for. That's why I got you on the show out to bring that level of scientific expertise. The perfect gift for blowfeld. Exactly. This is a bon plot jewel, isn't it? What I love about massive diamonds,

or massive bits of jewelry, precious stones, whatever, is how they value them, because it's worthless. A great big out Emerald is worthless, isn't it? Can't use it for anything. I mean, what can you do with it? So what they do is go, yeah, 300 million, definitely, yeah, 300 million. Yeah, yeah, definitely 300 million.

And you've got to go along with that, or the whole of the economic world economic system collapses, isn't it? Because all valuations are essentially based on that, aren't they? Yeah, that's what it's worth. Don't give the secrets where the whole thing will collapse. Exactly. It's teetering on a knife edge as it is.

But it is. It's for firing. It's for beaming a laser through exploding the moon. I mean, Alice, you mentioned wooden workers are ring. I think there's a necklace as well. I mean, that is too heavy, you know. I think it's too heavy for anything. Yeah, I've got to have it for anything. Yeah, I've got this lovely necklace darling. Oh, okay. Ow. I think I put my back out.

It's like having two Simone rugby players around my neck. Oh shit. I've gotten the wrong way around. Oh, sorry. Voters, Salahiva, a farce a lot. Can you just unclasp yourself and pop down? Thanks. I wonder how Emerald is getting on as two crash ball centres. LAUGHTER That's a little rugby juggly. LAUGHTER Not enough that rugby and jewellery get put together in the same... the same jugg. No. No. Do you think...

another world first? I'm certainly glad you tackled that topic. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't apologise, Alice. Don't apologise Alex, don't apologise. Be proud. It's an affliction that we are very open about on this show, the predilection to pun. We don't judge people. In fact, we praise people for it. Also in Brazil, a 16 year old footballer has just been sold for 40 million pounds. Don't tell him. That's the key. Just don't.

16 year old boys are fucking our sons. Right. The last thing you need to tell a 16 year old boy is, hey, you're worth 40 million pounds. Because the sheer our salary that that will deliver. Right. And then when he turns 19 and becomes a prick. Right. Right. Right.

He dances the oldest time at the time. Yeah. I mean, you mustn't that information needs to be kept from it. Right. He's known as Vinnickius Jr. Well, it does sound quite like a Roman Emperor, or Vinnisius Jr.

Now, I mean, it is getting ridiculous, football transfer fees and younger and younger. We've previously reported on the bugle on how top clubs have been in the region of 5.4 billion pounds for one of Cristiano Ronaldo's testicles. Whilst Lionel Messi has been offered twice that sum to have gender reassignment therapy in order to mother a joint Messi Ronaldo super football agent. And Raul Madrid and Chelsea now in bidding wars for the DNA of some of the top footballers from history. Primo Skatslatsitini, the agent for Diego Maradona's DNA, has been hawking around a vial of the 1986 Argentinian World Cup winning geniuses Flobbs, scraped from the pitch during a match between Napoli and Juventus in 1997 when Maradona spat in frustration that not being given a penalty.

That vial of Maradona flop going for £150 million on the market right now. So, when are these getting absurd, frankly, I'm an even the made up ones are getting out of control. I'm jealous of this kid. When I was 16, I was, I don't know, busy reading bad fantasy novels in the library at lunchtime and being bullied, not necessarily in that order. What were you doing when you were 16, Andy? I was mostly looking up crickets statistics. I've not changed a lot over the years, to be honest. I had a pretty glamorous teenage. I was sitting in my sitting in my bedroom looking up, batting averages of players who died decades before I was born. That's why I was such an unstoppable teenage hunk. This is the stuff that isn't made up in the show.

Yeah, I think it's sorry. Act from accidentally shared a fact. But the transfer's not going through right away. It's going through when he turns 18, right? In July 2018. And I mean, that's great. In that time, he doesn't get a girlfriend or find out that there's something else to life outside, kicking a ball round in a 2018. And I mean, that's great. In that time, he doesn't get a girlfriend or find out that there's something else to life outside kicking a ball round in a square. Don't say that.

You can't say that. You can't say that. You can get into breaking bad or something, you know. There's all sorts of temptations out there, aren't there? What if there, though, when he turns 18, he turns out to be a bit shit? Well, that has happened in football history before. Yes. Then what then happens? I guess they then compress him using geological force to try and make him into a large emerald. And then... ...if we look him off.

Well, I think that's basically where this giant emerald came from. Crushed, disappointing, teenage footballers. So that's what Brazil is selling. Emerald's 16-year-olds in white collar crime. Yep, that's it. Flamingo news now. Oh, god. I've been waiting on my life to hear those words. Well, scientists have confirmed that Flamingo's

expendless energy standing on one leg than in a two-legged stance. Well done, science. Which I don't know. It just confirms my beliefs about flamingos. I've always been against the flamingo as an animal. I'm very pleased to find out that not only are they smug, flashy pink, flying swamp horses. They're also lazy, flashy pink, flying swamp horses. They're also lazy flashy pink flying swamp horses with

spindly legs in a bad attitude. Sirrice Wankers with judgmental eyes. That's what they are. Also that was a line in the Labour Party manifesto about the Conservatives. I just like how very specific the scientists have got on it. There's a Dr. Matthew Anderson, who's an experimental psychologist who specializes in animal behavior. He described the team's results as a significant step forward, but he said, they begin to answer the question of how flamingos are able to rest on one leg. Importantly, the authors do not examine when and where flamingos actually utilize the

behavior in question, and thus this paper does not really address the issue of why flamingos rest while on one leg. I mean, I know the answer, it's because they're rosy self-satisfied, wanker birds with their tiny heads up their own butt through the power of their stupid long necks. Why are you, you're, I mean, you're the most virulently anti-flamingo person I've ever come across, Alice. Yeah. This is, I mean, it was there some kind of chock-chotled trauma in which you were attacked by, by Flamingo's. Which has had a recurring nightmare about flamingos maybe.

Right. We need to analyse this. How you, you're a professional, professional psychoanalyst, aren't you? Well, I, yeah, yeah. Somebody who has a recurring dream about being attacked by flamingos. Well, I think they don't like flamingos. Okay, there we go. That's what I'm going with. I, the thing with these stories, I just think, why does everything have to have a scientific reason?

All right. Buy out, science. Stop explaining everything. God. Can't come up flamingos just do what they want. Will that some scientists go, oh, I reckon I know where you're doing that. No, shut up, science.

Well, I can see this being exploited by the government. Because they've already said they're going to stop children having school lunches on the grounds that a hungry child is a happy child. Well, you know, maybe they can use this science as proof that children do not need feeding. If only they stood on one leg instead of two, they will use up less energy and we can save millions of pounds for the X-Jacker to spend on more more money. You belong in a think tank. Right. Thank you. Is that a compliment or an insult? So, a lesson for the world. Motorbikes can assume way less fuel when you're doing a wheelie and unicycling is technically the most efficient form of transport for the entire world. And Jake the peg is enormously over efficient in energy.

That's right. Brings us towards the end of the bugle. We'd have actually a bumper crop of emails this week, but we have, as ever, overrun slightly. And thank you for a couple of factual errors picked up on from last week. The artist, Basque Outre, not French as I erroneously stated, but a Haitian-born New Yorker, as I've pointed out by several people, including Diana Madden from California, who says that error is making me question all your cricket assertions. Don't start doing that.

And also, people who've pointed out that the area of the cat swing as defined last week is two pie brackets cat plus R. That would only give the circumference or kitty sirk as John in Pimplegov says, and actually what I wanted was pie brackets cat plus R squared. It was basic mathematics and I apologise wholeheartedly. So... Do you welcome this kind of criticism Andy or are you anti-Semitic? Oh! Gee, jeez. That's good, Alice.

That is very good. Thank you, you're welcome. With the beagle, we do proud-up pride ourselves on rigorously fact-checking everything. Oh, John from Pimlerco points out that Pi brackets cat plus R squared contains the apparently prophetic prediction of a future world cup, 2 cat R I mean, I've been outpunned by, I think, four people on the show today. This is fucking disaster. LAUGHTER I'm going to have to wrap it up.

Thank you very much for listening. Buegler's Alice is coming to Britain in the summer of wee performing throughout the Edinburgh Festival. Al, do you want anything you want to plug to our listeners? I've got a couple more weeks of tour left, but it's really easy. You sound really easy. I think I could not come, I could have the night off. Can we do a reverse plug on that?

Another guest fitting into the view. The view will history of rampant self-provotion. Another nostradamus quote to leave you with. A most appendous and astonishing event will occur. Very soon afterwards, the earth will tremble. Can only possibly be referring to my forthcoming political animal gigs at Soho on the 29th of May and the 3rd of June, and my Satris Vahagi at the Underbelly on the 23rd of June, I mean clearly that's the world's gonna tremble and a stupendous and astonishing event

will occur. No doubt. Yeah, can't argue with that. Thank you for listening, Bueglis. Alex has been a delight having you on the first time. Thank you for listening, Bueglos. Alex has been a delight having you on the first time. Thank you. Alex, thanks once again for your glorious contribution from the Southern Hemisphere. Bueglos, I will be back next week with Buegl Live from Soho featuring Nish Kumar.

Until then, goodbye. you