The Bugle - Bugle 4035 – Theresa May has ruined leopard print

Episode Date: June 30, 2017

Andy is joined by Tom Ballard and Tiff Stevenson to look at the DUP, magic money trees, and dressed down politicians. Also in the news Aussie Tony versus British Tony, who is worse? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers! And welcome to issue 4,035 of the bugle.

Audio newspaper for this visual world for the week beginning a Monday the 3rd of July, 2017 with me and his ultimate reporting to you live and exclusively from London. We are now at the halfway point of 2017, just 82 and a half years now, we can kiss this goddamn centri-goodbye and have another cracker and you on. We'll get it right someday, just you wait, just you wait, I can feel it, I know we've got a good one in there somewhere. We just got to get the first 20 years right, that's a bit we keep bullsie up. Joining me today, for the first time on the Bugle, it's a great pleasure to welcome to these hallowed audio pages to contribute to this the official week by week

historical record of humanity from the year 2007 up to and including Armageddon all the way from a different bit of London it's Tiffany Stevenson Hello, hi, I'm very excited. What, Pess, do you like to have you have you on the show? Yeah, I mean there's hardly any news happening so it's a shame that I've come on this week is it? Yes, yeah I mean there's, yeah when new, I wish news would surely the world could just agree to have a week off. Of news, yeah, yeah it just needs to stop for a little while doesn't it? We need because we all feel like Brenda from Bristol. Yeah.

We've just had enough. Yes. And also joining us all the way from the hemisphere that has brought the world amongst other things and Tarttica, Brazilian football, Robert McGarby, penguins and the majority of the world amongst other things, Antarctica, Brazilian football, Robert McGarby, Penguins, and the majority of the world's water. That's the Southern hemisphere in Keshewondry. Reporting to us all the way from later today, and more importantly from Australia, it's the man who's birth.

In November 1989, sparked the Czechoslovakian Communist Party just two days later to dismantle the one party state and convert to a parliamentary republic. That's the kind of power he wields. Welcome back to Tom Ballard. Hello Andy, hello Tiff. You are very diplomatic there. I've heard you previously described this as the worst hemisphere, which I don't appreciate at all. I mean, you mentioned Megalbi there. We're not proud of him. He's not like at the front of the team for the Southern hemisphere, so watch yourself, please. We just compare your Tony's like if you've got a worse political Tony than us, that's, it's pretty hard.

Like Abbott is probably not as bad as Blair, but, uh, I don't know. He got less done. If Abbott want got to do all the things that he wanted to do, I think he, he could go toe to toe with Blair, maybe. Yeah. If he hadn't, if he'd been born anywhere other than Australia, things could have got. He was born right where you bloody are, mate, London. Oh, right. Okay, we did well to get rid of it, man.

That is one bit of sport you would love to see, wouldn't you? Blair versus Abbott. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, what what sport? What format of sport are we? Are we talking about like full bare knuckle boxing? I couldn't take the cricket because it would go on for days. So bare knuckle boxing would be good or bit of MMA If you've been on the show for what about four minutes and you've already slag cricket I know well, you know, we can I've got plenty to say on cricket All of it positive. But I'm just saying, I think, you know, maybe some mixed martial arts,

we can see some real, they're actually shedding blood for once. That's all I'm saying. Yes. I'd want full contact. Right, I think the Tony Blair's idea of martial arts generally involves the US military, I think, rather than just hand-to-hand combat. Anyway. This is the beautiful for the week beginning Monday, the 3rd of July 2017.

On the 2nd of July, some quality anniversary is coming up. On the 2nd of July, 1816, the French ship Medusa, clunged into a sandbank off the coast of Mauritania in Africa. 13 days later, 15 people were found alive on a makeshift raft out of the 150 odd who had been on the raft at the start of its raft existence leading to the famous painting The Rath of the Magusa by the French artist Jericho and recently discovered papers have revealed the TripAdvisor reviews for the raft of the Magusa from some of those surviving 15 including comments such as not exactly what you want in a summer cruise facilities were at best minimal. Nothing was organized to keep the passengers entertained, apart

from occasional fights and people falling into the sea. And above all, this one, the food was absolutely disgusting. It wasn't just me that thought that the guy I ate for dinner was saying exactly the same things I knocked into his leg. You did count it on that cruise, Didn't he wear any back in your... He was about to get a few gigs out there, didn't he? Gigs are gigs, I'm gigs are gigs. On the 2nd of July 1921, the Knox Porter Resolution was passed, the US Congress Resolution, ending American involvement in World War One.

That was in 1921. So everyone stopped complaining about America always turning up late for World Wars. They did the full four years. They just did it a little bit offset. And in 1937, I was the last contact with Amelia Earhart on the 2nd of July, 1937. She is now assumed to be either dead or 80% of the way through the world's first ever 100 year prank. What's this space for details? As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin, including our exclusive bugle Glaston Breer Review. We look at some of the less well-known

rock and pop acts who walt the crowds at Glaston clusters this year including Juggernautica. The pioneers of haulage rock the jugs were back at the farm for the first time since 2004 with new this year the former lead driver of truckylands another lorry based rock band. Of course Juggernautica the first band in glassmere history to used a fully functioning articulated lorry, as an instrument on stage. And there, big hit, no worries, when you're in my lorry, that went down an absolute storm. Also, the jury 12, great bands, former jury from a long-running fraud case,

formed as an accapella band during two and a half years of rather dry technical testimony, in which they started singing close-harmonies of bits of evidence to keep in touch with their minds. And it was the last time you went to a music festival. What do you think happens there? What do you think actually happens? Do you think every band is a concept band from some kind of profession? Yeah, mostly. I mean, that is generally what happens, isn't it? Yeah. I do go to. There is an actual truck fest, you know this right? I haven't I haven't ever been invited to truck fest

well I don't have a truck so yeah yeah where they just open up the back of trucks and they're the stages right so I've heard it's pretty rockin right if the trucks are rocking right does that work for other vehicles it's like a smaller a fiesta fest. A coup-tick van fest. Van fest. Van fest. A scooter fest. A scooter fest played for the Boston Biddy's in the 1950s nursing home baseball league. I'd agree. Um, the jury 12's, big hits.

I don't care if you're innocent. I just want to go home. Um, the evidence is all over your guilty face brackets like you got on a baby. And Ali Bye-Bye, you can't really remember at the 4th of December. And also, I mean, my personal favourites this year, or be that obviously didn't go. Grumpel Stiltskins, the tantrum-based American Strop Rockers who smashed it up on the half-stage, with a 45-minute screamed version of their smash hit lost glob of chewing gum on the bustle of paint. So our Glaston reception in the bin. Also in the bin, well, related to another historic anniversary,

it's the 10th birthday of the iPhone. And in our special iPhone section in the bin, we look at where the iPhone will be in 10 years. And our scientists here at the Bugle are predicted that within 10 years the iPhone will be able, not only to completely read your mind, but predictively write all your emails and texts for you who just have to trust the software and if your iPhone 12 breaks off your marriage and hooks you up

with an Uzbek cattle rancher instead well I think we all agree in this day and age your phone knows you're a f*** of a lot better than you do. iPhone's in 2027 will also be able to physically eat your loved ones and turn them into really realistic emojis. They'll be able to predict your entire life story and death to within 99.94% accuracy, saving you the hassle of worrying about the future and whether or not that tickly cough is or isn't fatal. And your iPhone will be able to perform invasive surgery on you whilst you sleep.

It will completely monitor your body so that you will wake up in the morning having already had your appendix locked out without even knowing you needed it. So exciting times for the future of iPhones. The iPhone turning 10, does that mean that it's now turned as old as the children who make it? That's pretty amazing. Top story this week, Britain updates and well I mean a lot of things have been happening

in Britain as stiff suggested. A quick national mood updates and the official national mood at the moment is Grumpf. Grrrr. It's a stoppy time in Britain at the moment, Tiff, wouldn't you say? Oh, it is. It's frustrating. I mean, this DUP coalition that we've got going on, old strong and stable in a bike chain necklace, as I just refer to as Theresa Maynack. coalition that we've got going on, old strong and stable and a bike chain necklace. As I just refer to as Theresa Maynack, does she think she's going to get Nick to offer set of railings?

Who would want to take it? I don't know. Maybe that she's just waiting just sadly outside the house of Parliament. I mean, it's, here's what's happening at the moment. Theresa May is actually making me hate lepreth print. Wow. Which as a working class person is totally unacceptable. That's how much I hate Theresa May now and this DUP coalition. There's a few details to this and I don't know how much of it you're aware of Tom, but what the DUP have signed a dodgy deal worth one billion with Theresa May's Conservatives and it's essentially bung money, you know,

which is not new for the DUP. They've seen more under the table action than Bill Clinton in the Oval Office. This deal is more bent than a Yuri Gellerspoon. I'm thinking that Wales and Scotland are rightly gonna come crashing and saying, what do we get out of this? How come the DUP get just a billion pounds handed to them?

Well, it's a nice above board bribe to be honest. And it's good that politics is being honest. Because usually these things are done behind closed. Well, they come right out with it. And now we're going to bribe them 100 million pounds per MP. For their 10 MPs, I mean, I would be quite happy if my local MP in Stretem flagged himself for 100 million pounds.

He's like, oh, we've got a Labour MP, if he just said it right, and in fact, he could undercut them. He could have 18 million, 85 million quit, 15% off your standard parliamentary bribe, for a full five year term. What can we do with that money? We could get a Bob Sled run for Stretum,

even enough books for local schools, I know that's a bit lefty, but or a nuclear deterrent. We can have our own nuclear... I've very tried in. That tried in for Straton. Let's dream. Let's aim high.

It wasn't during the election campaign, Theresa May told an NHS nurse who hadn't had a pay rise in eight years or whatever, that there's no magic money tree that we can shake that suddenly provides for everything that people want. Apparently, there are several money shrubs that have been shaken,

so it was to provide for everything that Theresa May wants, which is everything. And then I believe some NHS nurses asked the Prime Minister if there was any leftover money in the shrubs that could go towards helping them and the PM said, no, they all disappeared and above a smoke they're allowed to, it's magic. Yeah, they treated that magic money tree like someone claiming to the police that those strange plants in their back garden are perfectly about these. Well up until Monday I thought the magical money tree was a a a a a blighten book. But apparently no and and the here's the weird thing.

The DUP creationists who don't believe in evolution because they believe in magic money trees. What what else do they I don't know if you were aware of this Tom, but there's three or four creationists within the DUP. And okay, I mean there's levels of this that we can tuck into. There's quite a lot in this tasty creation example. Are you not a creationist yourself? Oh no, I'm not. I'm not.

I'm an imaginist. Sorry, I shouldn't have put you for this. I only have creationists on the show. But you know that they had a creationist archaeologist, which I think is an oxymoron. That's impressive. That is. A creationist archaeologist who went to a dig site and discovered, this is so brilliant, who discovered a dinosaur saddle. And right. So the suggestion was that not only did man walk the earth with dinosaurs, and it's always man, rather than men and women.

Right. The man walked the earth with the dinosaurs, not only that, but man sort of domesticated dinosaurs. Right. He rode a cat or a dog. Competitive dinosaur racing. If you read Duteronomy backwards, it's all there. Yeah.

Yeah, it's mad, isn't it? I mean, I quite like the idea of having a pet T-Rex. Well, we all like that, but we're a Flintstones influence generation, aren't we? I mean, I'm thinking of giving creationism a go to be honest. There's a lot to be said for it. I mean, I'm not anything that happened more than 42 and a half years ago on this planet, isn't really my business anyway. The fossils did f*** all for this planet. Look at dinosaurs. Sure, pretty scary, but you know, how about a legacy of usable infrastructure like the Romans

left? Also, let's get patriotic about this, if Britain ruled the world, see footnotes, for what, about 200 years, also see footnotes, spreading the glory of Britishness, see other footnotes, and leaving a legacy of peace, also see footnotes. Spreading the glory of Britishness see other footnotes and leaving a legacy of peace, definitely see footnotes. Democracy seriously read those footnotes. Mutually beneficial trade, Ditto.

Decreased problems of tiger infestations and cricket. 200 years, now if that's 200 years out of 6,000 years, that's quite a lot, that's quite impressive. That's like a solid 3% of the entire history of the world. 200 years out of 4.5 billion years, less impressive. So from, you know, from a British, and we have to, in this post-Brexit time. We have to be British,

we have to be more... By a recognition for Britain, that all of them are... That's right. Make Britain creationist again. Yeah. The D.P. is very conservative and the quite homophobic is the impression that I'm getting. I heard that they only want to spend the money on roads, only the straight roads. Any bent roads will

be sent to conversion therapy apparently. This is just the news that's getting over to Australia, guys. I can't verify this. Oh, there's Trevor Clark of the DUP who said last year that he thought only gay people could contract AIDS or HIV, which makes me think only straight people can catch abjects stupidity. I definitely got that. I mean, it's terrifying, isn't it? I mean, we're trying to be funny about it, but it is terrifying.

Well, I mean, it's particularly in the context of quite how this has come about, because it's only, what I was's only, well as in Australia, I think Tom was on the bugle just after the election was called. And at that point we were looking at, you know, a kind of 100,000 year Tory Reich. And it's, I mean, quite how this has happened that Theresa May has ended up without a majority having to hack out a deal with the Democratic Union's party to plonk a sticking plaster over the severed artery of her dreams of supreme everlasting power. I don't know how this is, I still can't quite understand it. Yeah, well she's, as much as I want to see sort of women in power, I don't know why it has to be Arlene Foster and Theresa May, you know, two women who are essentially womb bothers.

That's how I would describe them. They're obsessed with what women are doing in their womb, you know, two women who are essentially womb bothers. That's how I would describe them. They're obsessed with what women are doing in their womb, you know, although Stella Creecy has just managed to get it past that, you know, the NHS fund abortions in Northern Ireland, which is a really exciting. So women from Northern Ireland who want an abortion can't have it there, but they will not be able to come to England. I mean, they still can't have it there, but they will not be able to come to England. I mean, yeah, they still can't have it there. They've got to travel, but at least they're free. Yes. There's a grand tourist campaign. Oh, don't because the T-shirt in Ireland basically said that women traveled for abortions,

like you would go to a stagger ahead and do in Vegas. Like he suggested that was the attitude. There's so many people. There's so many people. There's so many reluctance if that was moving, inviting to a state for the invaders. So many pro-lifers have this sort of weird attitude. I think it was the Steve Reverend Stephen Green from Christian Voice, you know, the guy puts the fun into fundamentalism. He had a Mary Stope's advert once and said that it was disgusting because it encouraged abortions as if that's how it works. You hear an advert and go, oh do you know what I have in that for ages? Like also I don't even know what the term is coming up, I better know.

Like also I don't like the term pro-abortion, it's pro-choice, stop making it like that's what people are actively seeking. So it's, you know, the DUP are, I'm trying to think if we've got anyone who's as, you know, anti-LGBT, anti-women's rights, climate change deniers as well. Right. Add that to the resume. For a penny. I mean, is there anyone worse? Is there anyone worse that Theresa May could have teamed up with? She could have married Donald Trump, I guess.

She is his Maggie, after all. He calls it my Maggie from the Simpsons, I presume. It's quite hard to follow the news from this side of the world. It's very confusing, particularly with your media. The thing that's really blown my mind is the London evening standard front page, as we know, edited by George Osborne, which had Arlene Foster's head superimposed onto Dr. Evil's body. She's saying, I demand the sum of one billion pounds. And then Theresa May's head is superimposed onto minim May's body next to Dr. Evil slash

Arlene Forster with the caption, Austin Powers Sharing. Now this is incredibly confusing and is inconsistent with all Austin Powers mythology. Okay, this is the canon Dr. Evil would never hold Minnie May to ransom for a billion pounds, particularly if it meant that Minnie May would be able to continue in some kind of significant leadership position that would require Dr. Aval to support a vote of confidence in many mes abilities, and any and all the money bills that MiddiMid introduces into the parliament. MiddiMid is a clone of Dr. Aval,

and his entire being is dedicated to serving Dr. Aval and helping realize his clone slash father figures plans of extortion and chaos IE boxer. If MiddiMid had a billion pounds, he would automatically just give it over to Dr. Aval unconditionally, I doubt infrastructure spending in Northern Ireland or reproductive rights would ever come into the conversation at all. In fact, Dr. Evil and Minimea are probably both extremely progressive when it comes to reproductive issues because Minimea is a sensitive result of a process of IVF.

It makes no sense whatsoever and the whole thing is very ungroovy, baby. Yay! That was beautiful. Thanks, guys. In other Tories news and other Glastonbury news, the Channel 4 newsreader, John Snow, was allegedly, uh, heard, joining in, I f*** the Tories chant at Glastonbury and has been criticized suggesting that this undermines his journalistic objectivity. He's claimed that he can't remember this happening.

Another suggestion of undermining his integrity under the influence of whatever he was taking at Glastonbury. We do know that he defends the jugs, am I right Andy? That's right, he's a massive fan of the jugs. I mean, do we know that he definitely said this? We should check which Jon Snow actually. Right, what are you talking about the former Sussex in England Fast Bowler?

No, I was going for the Game of Thrones Jon Snow. All right, I'm sorry. He was also at Glastonbury. You know nothing Andy's ultimate. I know quite a lot about England Fast Bowler from the 1960s and 70s. That was also a quote from Game of Thrones. That was just me that got that. I don't even know that that landed with Tom over there. Now you got it. I get it. Chris got it. Yeah, so it is the Jon Snow of Zena Bedawi fame. Right. And and he was supposedly

chanting the Tories. Yes. I mean, it's possible that he wasn't saying the Tories, it could have been the Tories. He's a glass-dumbly purist and believes the festival has lost its edge. It could have been... He could have been just trying to say that horsey after losing 25,000 pounds on a 12-to-1 outside in the 340-U tox.

We just don't know. It could have been the Tories as in the 340 U-tox, we just don't know. It could have been, uh, uh, the-the-tore, Riz, as in the-the-glastonbury-tore, the famous hill at Glastonbury, and he was having a conversation with the baseball star and Chicago Cubs' first baseman, Anthony Rizzo. We just don't know. P-tombs. We don't know.

Could have been f-tore-E's, maybe against the user performance and haunting drugs at the Tour de France, referring to the E-E-P-O drugs that were used by a very miscreants. Who knows? He could have said the Tories, but he meant some, please, someone. The Tories, they're having a really hard time at the moment and they could do with some touching or he could have been criticizing the Tories, which is how we collectively refer to Tories, Kelly, Spelling and Amos, just generally. So it's like, women, I'm not a fan of.

It could have been that he was realising his mistake in the annual Glastonbury quiz in which the question was, which party famously won general elections in 1979, 1983, and 1987, and he'd guessed the revolutionary socialist party got it wrong, and when he was told the answer, he said, ah, the Tories. We just, I mean, that's the thing with news these days,

you just don't know what to believe. Well, there was a band on the line up called The Tories. I don't know if you're familiar with The Tories, at all Andy Dreadful, Dreadful music. All this song's about austerity and fox hunting. The Drum Kid is made up of the skin of elderly poor people and they refuse to tour anywhere in the EU saying that if their European fans want to see them so bloody badly they should come to Britain and immediately f*** off. I'm a FFD mental group coalition of chaos myself. I'd go and watch the coalition of chaos.

Rock and roll. Well he's allowed to have an opinion outside of his work, isn't he? That's the thing. Sort of people were saying it compromises the integrity of his reporting to have an opinion. But, you know, he's in downtime. He's a class, though.

Yeah. Also, I mean, there might have been someone with an auto queue there, because he re, you know, his whole, everything he says is off the list. It's like a run burgundy situation. Yeah, I think f*** the Tories is an impartial universal view at this. And even Tories saying f*** the Tories at this point. Yeah, I mean, that was largely Tories

of my election campaign. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha didn't get all of it. He'd also said, F*** the labour, F*** the Lib Dems. It could have been, yeah, his new start to all news bulletins, like a kind of religious incantation. F*** the Tories, F*** the pinkos, repeat after me, F*** the f***ing lot of them. Oh man, we were now seeing him number 214,

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, out, out. LAUGHTER Glaston recame in for a lot of stick this year because of the sort of poverty gap situation and people going, oh just you know champagne socialists and and poor people how are they affording to go to Glastonbury as if you can't save up for a treat. I mean I got even told off the other day for using the word poor very

middle-class friend of mine. She said I find that word really offensive and I was like from someone who's never been poor. What would you like me to call them differently finance? Economically challenged. Why are we trying to euphemism our way out of what is just a desperately sad situation out of the reality and the contempt with which our government treat poor people? Another piece of world-shaking British politics news, and this broke just within the last 24 hours. The speaker of the House of Commons has said to MPs no longer have to wear ties, male MPs no longer have to wear ties in the House of Commons. I mean this is potentially the biggest upheaval in British politics

probably since we decapitated King Charles I in 1649 Had a brief got not having a moniker and panicked and got got them back 11 years later. This is I mean this is this undermines everything that we know about ourselves as a nation. If our MP don't have to worry when he was Decapitated was he wearing a tie? Do we know about ourselves as a nation. If our own peace don't have the time to worry when he was decapitated, was he wearing a tie, do we know? Oh, I would imagine so. Or a nook, so. I don't think the tie, as we currently know,

had officially been invented though. But it's one of those things that was essentially always there spiritually. Even if we didn't actually, I think we were wearing ties when the Romans invaded. I don't know. But how are Britain cope with this? I don't know, it's feminism, God, mad, is it?

It is absolutely. It's just like to say that stuff that is in no way feminist, it's feminism got mad. Swarth, by f***ing pancreas. I mean, where will it end? Where will this end, Tiff? I don't know, I mean no trousers next. I mean, I see an emcee.

I'm not suitable now, does it? If we're going to let standards slip this much, it's going to be no cufflinks or no cufflinks Tuesday and then eventually it'll just be underpants and what those little socks suspenders, right? There'll be no socks suspenders next. Right, I'm going to drive the day they ban monocles in the house of Lords. I think that would be a box on all of us. Do we feel they did your dress code?

Years ago they told MPPs they were no longer required to wear any shame or bring it back to the Chamber as well. So there have been some things. It's going to run up with a load of shirtless stories swigging larger out of cans on the back benches. See, that's what it's like when I go to the cricket. There was a crazy story of this Nadim Zahar, we do remember this, this conservative MP who was wearing a novelty tie in 2011, and it was this red tie that was, you know,

for a good cause, it was raising awareness about bowel cancer, and it began playing a tune, he accidentally knocked it, it started playing, he was saying the sentence, if we are to have a credible debate, and then his tie started playing a song, and he had to apologise to the Chamber. Oh, I hope it was girl from E.P. Nemo or something. I find

that anything serious should be underscored with that. Let's just play that into the UN Chamber at all times. just moderating the anger in international politics. Ooh, and I watch her so sadly. I'm going on over there. Are they going to ban Groucho-Bucks glasses as well? I remember when Winston Churchill asked Clement, Attlee to lead in and spell that flower on his lapel, over the display in the face with a short blast of boiling hot British water.

Ha, ha, cop that old chum. That was a turning point at the 1945 election, I think. So I church it'll lost. Yep. That's a fact. That's a fact. Australia news now and we have just as strong as stable conservative government as you guys seem to have at the moment.

There is a lot of division going on in the coalition government in Australia. There's leadership tension and the right wing of the government got very angry indeed when these comments are made by government minister Christopher Pine will lead to. May these comments at a Liberal Party function and I'm just wanting now guys, these are pretty intense comments, okay? You guys seem going, you're only making it right. There's a pretty following. Referring to his left faction within the conservative party,

Pine, Christopher Pine said, Friends, we are in the winner's circle, we have to deliver a couple of things, and one of those things we've got to deliver before too long is marriage equality. What? Our rage. A monster.

It's amazing that Australia didn't just fly off the face of the planet. It's our new orbit.'t just fly off the face of the planet It's our new orbit How does he sleep at night? I think you know that you're being run by crazy right wing nut jobs when Somewhat people finding out that you said gay people shouldn't be discriminated against is like a crazy scandal There was like people are prepared to like cross the the right faction are losing their mind, they're demanding that Malcolm Turnbull the Prime Minister like sack Christopher Pine from his job, they're prepared to cross the floor while advocates for marriage equality, prepared to cross

dress. To get to the former show at the Edinburgh Fringer on sale now, that's all I got. It wasn't it like a work sneeze up. So basically this was a sort of comedy made it a work do I don't want to tell you what I've done at office parties it involves my boobs and a dice and air blade but like it's frustrating I mean I was over in Australia doing the sort of shows a couple of years ago and I I remember after the show, this woman come up to me and she was like, yeah, I enjoyed your comedy.

I was like, all right, aggressive. And she went to me, the thing is, marriage is between a man and a woman. There's just the way I'd always been. And I was like, oh, well, if it's always been a way, we definitely shouldn't bother trying to change it. I mean, it's not how progress works or anything. You know, what I should have said to her was, you know, up until 1911, it was only men who were allowed to vote. So we've never even been canvased your opinion. And that is my interesting fact for you, Andy. Right. Right. Australia had women's suffrage

seven years before the UK. Right. Yeah. How could they be so far ahead then and so far behind now? Hey, gorgeous. Time difference. Oh boy! Yay! Oh. Ch-ch-ch-ch. But yeah, it's, I feel your pain, Tom. Why don't quite feel your pain? Because I'm in a position where I can get married

to whoever I like. But, you know, it must be incredibly frustrating right now. Well, I need to get a boyfriend first. But yes, generally, it's about a principal. It's a bloody nightmare. And it just, it is just speaks to the fact that the leader of the opposition, the prime minister and everyone in the country pretty much, except for these old dinosaurs, which the D.P. wouldn't believe in, are against, you know, just making sure that people are treated equally before the law. What's going on? Corey Bernaldi, who's a conservative party leader in Australia, that's different from

the governing liberal party. Now he complained that it showed the liberals were saying one thing in public and another in private. Now, quite aside from any arguments about gay marriage, I have no problem with politicians saying one thing in public and another in private because I hope in private, what they are saying is things like, oh shit! What the f**k are we gonna do with it? This planet is a f**k top cracker toa of horseshit, but you don't want them saying that in public because it undermines confidence. You want them to say things like we're all working towards a brighter future. If they said that I don't think people are going, man, he's a straight shooter. He really, he tells

it like it is. Well, Germany, I've got on board today. Have me. Yes. So that's to be applauded and encouraged. I mean, America, America, have it. I was in New York when they, when it was all going through and I watched some of the coverage on the news I think it was Fox News because the hair was big. Um, that's how you tell. The bigger the hair, the more right wing the station. There is a direct index, isn't there? Yeah, there is.

Well, I think it should not be officially back at the Stevens and the index. Yeah. Right wingedness. Blonder, the bigger and blonder it gets, you know, the more more right wing it is I think there's something going back to Hitler there weird eugenics thing yeah that that we probably shouldn't do now well I'm now imagining Hitler in a big blonde cut of 1980s to just East-Guyle wig well I that would have undercut him actually it would have yeah well when I was like a teenager I did ask myself that question that every teenager go ask herself,

you know, would hit the fancy me. And I thought, I thought he probably would be. My daughter is 10 currently, so I've got to, I mean, what point of teenage is, am I gonna have? It's about 13, 14. Right, okay. Yeah, I thought on the one hand that he would,

because I look like the eugenic ideal, you know, blonde hair blue eyes, but I'm also part gypsy. Right. So he'd have a bit of a dilemma. He'd be like, sleep with me, kill me, sleep with me. Basically the same dilemma that every man I've ever gone out with his gone through. Perfectly natural tip. This is a phase that all young girls go through. You'll come out of it, find. It's perfectly natural, Jesus. Yeah, so big hair, the bigger the bigger the blonde are the more right wing.

All right, everyone on the alt-right is blonde. Look at Milo, Tommy Lairon, you know. They all blonde, don't trust them. Tom Ballard. But yeah, it's Ballard. Don't trust Ballard, don't trust Stevenson, and he's in the red, he's okay. Right, yeah. Yeah, but yeah, that was the the just to finish that I watched the The female news anchor came on when equal marriage had been announced as she went today as a historic day for the United States of America

All across the US men are marrying men I was oh wow even a quality is not equal incredible So it doesn't say a lot for Australia to be honest Tom I was like wow, we even have qualities not equal, that is incredible. So. It doesn't say a lot for Australia to be honest Tom, but when you're being beaten by the United Kingdom in an issue of social liberalism, that is time to sit down with yourself and ask yourself what you're doing as a nation. Island, Germany, the US. Alright alright, we'll get there.

We'll get there. It's just you in Russia. It's you in Russia. Still just slightly ahead of Saudi Arabia as well to be fair. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Click to that. Some more Australian news. Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been making trouble. He was ousted as PM in 2015 and promised at the time that as he went to the back bench,

there'd be no wrecking, no undermining and no sniping of the new Turnbull administration. Okay. And he's been true to his word. There's been no wrecking, no undermining and no sniping of the new Turnbull administration, okay? And he's been true to his word, there's been no wrecking, no undermining, no sniping. There has been quite a bit of ruining, damaging, selling, discrediting, dishonoring, debasing, and shitflinging, unfortunately. This week, completely unprompted, no one asked for this. Tody Abbott released his plan to win the next election, which is kind of like Kanye West releasing a plan to eliminate the ego or Roth Harris releasing his plan to win the next election, basically.

The plan is entitled, let's make Australia work again, implying, of course, that Australia is currently not working and Tony is the man who knows how to turn it off and on again. Everyone should read it. Every Australian should read it. Every citizen should read it. It's a six step program about how to make Australia better. For example, step number two, live within our means. Stop all frivolous spending and stop ripping off our grandchildren. Now just to remind, when Tony Abbott was prime minister, he spent more than a billion dollars a year on locking up innocent men, women and children seeking asylum on prison islands and gave Prince Philip a knighthood, you know, the bare essentials. Every family makes space for that in their budget, every week.

I do feel so thankful. You're so good. I'm so good, because they must be feeling pretty ripped off, what with me, they're not existing at all. When did Grant children ever put their hands in their pockets and fucking pay for anything themselves. It's got to be a two way street. Once this let's make Australia work again, you know, why are we obsessed with this

turn of a campaign slogan after Trump did make America great again? Everyone's just obsessed with, you know, again, again or a better up. It doesn't even scan, does it? Let's make Australia work again. Well, I guess politically that you could just say, well, let's just kind of plot along as we're going. And, you know, it might be quite a good plan, but it's not going to get any votes, is it? Let's just muddle through. I would forget that, man. Tony Evans, keep it up. Let me go. Let's model through, you would vote for. I was interested that one of his other six point plans

was make housing more affordable by scaling back immigration to migrants who can make a contribution from day one, right, get right, stuck in from day one. I mean, it's interesting that he's aimed at the migrants there in terms of escalating property prices rather than for example property magnates building overpriced architectural wank pads or the unfettered housing markets squeezing the humanity out of human life.

No, it's probably the fault of people clinging to the sides of boats. That is why prices are going up. The wank pads played Glassenbrede, which is well actually, that was a very good. I, the overpriced architectural Wang Pads is just, as senators, is going phenomenal. For the only American points, the results, man. The idea of migrants making contribution from day one, presumably that means that a three-year-old Tony Abbott

who emigrated from England by boat in 1960 would not be allowed into the country. What contribution are you making? Shitting your pants, piss off, but no freehouse for you. What's the same as Trump, isn't it? It always comes from, you know, like Trump, whose mother was a Scottish immigrant.

I thought he should have held the inauguration on Ellis Island, just to remind him that he started in a Scottish vagina and he ended up in New York. So... Sport now and... Well, you two guys can basically mentally clock off now, you're pretty much done. I don't know. I keep booking people who don't even like sport. I'm aware of the sport. Who's won it? The world, the world, the world. Humanity is won, if.

No, I mean, there world, the world. Humanity is won, this. No, I mean, there's sports that I find interesting. It makes me think that straight white men don't have enough drama in their lives because they created wrestling. Yes. And that's technically seen as a sport, isn't it? You know you're a house drama. Yeah.

Sport cross with the soap? Well, I mean, as a sports purist, I do not see that kind of wrestling as a sport. I see that as an absolute abomination of the very bowels of hell, but, you know, each to their own. As a game, is a fan. No, I know about the crickets. And, but then, I mean, you mentioned wrestling. There's been, there's some, I mean, some quite interesting fights coming up. The two boxes in their 50s, Nigel Ben and Steve Collins, rumoured to be wanting to get back in the ring 21 years after their last fight at a combined age of 105. I mean, it does start to look a bit dodgy, to be honest. Also, just hearing now that the

1960s World Middleweight Champions, Nino, Ben Vanuati and Terry Downs, could be vaulting the ropes to smash each other's old faces in next summer. As soon as the Italian has passed the age of 80, that's the lower cutoff limit for the WCFO, that's the World Cogiferating Organization. And the INHBF, the International Nursing Home Boxing Federation titles. And of course, you've got Floyd Mayweather against Conno McGregor. Oh, yeah, that is interesting actually. Now, Mayweather, one of the greatest boxes of all time,

Conor McGregor from one of the big stars of UFC, which for those who don't know it is people smashing a f*** out of each other in an octagon, rather than smashing a f*** out of each other in a square. Keep, keep, difference. I mean, the consensus seems to be that McGregor is, is, is taking Mayweather on at boxing rather than any kind of hybrid. It's basically people seem to think it's like top chef, Emma Rilagas, taking on Raffa Nadal, next year's French

open because a frying pan is kind of the same shape as a tennis racket. How difficult can it be? Is that it then? So it's boxing rather than MMA. Yeah, that's where Connor strength is also his pre match About pre-bought there we go pre-bought chat is pretty good. Yeah, he's like you're in bomb town That's where you belong and I'm gonna smash it back into bomb town. He says bomb town quite a lot Where Floyd may be that he just talks about how rich he is and how much money he's gonna earn so I mean I'll be interesting class of Class of stars. But there are rumors to try and balance out the inequality that Vantage Mayweather has

from fighting in his own sport. He will have to carry a plate of live eels into the ring. And every time he lets one of the eels slither off the plate, McGregor gets a free swing at his face. And also have a little squeaker inside his gloves. Every time he hits McGregor in a face, undermines his pugilistic manhood. So, he might not go for the big punches.

Like an eel, that's good. He's also rumoured to be already lining up a follow-up fight in which he's going to take on a crocodile. That's the one the fans have wanted to see for years. I mean, the thing is Mayweather is very technical pugilist. I can't see him breaking a habit of a lifetime and getting into a full, jorta, jortar, with the croc, probably Mayweather on points for that one. And after that, there's perhaps as tough as opponent yet, Floyd may weather versus the concept of humility. And it's pretty

hard to see how we can come out on top of that. We'll have more on the cross-sport challenges, including Table 10 is number one, Mar-long versus Snookan number one, Mark Selby. They're both sports played on a table. How different can they possibly be? The, and also Olympic horsey dressers champion Charlotte DuJadan is taking on the star of the Spanish bullfighting circuit, Percy the massive angry bull. That could be, that could be an, and also, and this is the one I really want to see.

Sumo legend, kiss and Osato versus the former Fencing Champion, Alexei Cherimisinoff. I mean, can you honestly say you would not tune in just to see what happens? Sumo wrestler against a man with a pointy sword. That has to be worth watching. I did say last week we would have a full update on the British Lions match against New Zealand. It turns out unsurprisingly, they lost. They are now one-neil down and need to win two in a row against a team that's won 46 consecutive matches in a row at home. It's a tough task. It's a, it's a, it's like asking hercules not just to do his 10 tasks,

but to do them within three days and submit the paperwork detailing how he's abide by health and safety regulations at all times. And then a press conference to apologize for all the endangered species he's obliterated. As sporting upsets go, if the lines can win, it will rank alongside Donald Trump winning the world's humblest man competition. LAUGHTER

What about Shane Ward kicking off at Cricket Australia? Oh, well, now Tom, I'm sure you're all absolutely all over this we only have about 30 seconds left with this recording. Can you just explain the contractual dispute between cricket Australia and Australia's leading cricketers? Cricket players have realised that boring the sport is and the association is adamant that they continue playing. This show is over. This show is now get off my show, Balod. Oh Tom Tom, you've got a love shame on. His face is updated more frequently than my iTunes agreements.

Yeah. Right. Right. Thank you for listening, Bugglers. We'll be back next week. Do send your emails into hellobugglers at thebugglepodcast.com. Tiff, thanks very much.

Been a delight having you. Thank you. Having you on the Buggle. Tom,, thanks once again, both you are going to be in Edinburgh this year. Yes, 530 at the Gilded Balloon. By all the tickets. Tom, do you want to plug your show while you're here? Sure, it's called Problematic. It's on an 830 at the Plisn's courtyard. By all those two.

Oh, mine's called, please. Yeah, by all those, sorry. You said the name of yours problematic. That's a great title. Thanks. I'm doing satirists for hire for the last two weeks. And there will be a couple of live bugles, but I'm saying that. I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that, but I'm saying that Digitally carved into Mount RSS Mall.