The Bugle - Bugle 4036 – Paunchy Plutocrats, Inc.

Episode Date: July 7, 2017

Alice Fraser joins Andy in London this week. As usual, they talk about Vegan Goats, Hotdog Eating Contests, Nuking Alaska and the Man shortage. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bee Euglers! That welcome to issue 4,036 of the bugle, the weekly factorgram with all the latest scientific proof about the existence of the human race and the universe it so reluctantly lives in.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, a emeritus professor of exaggerating my own qualifications live in London, where we haven't had even a single general election in what about a month now democracy is withering on the vines we speak let me have my say sorry not say my lunch I meant lunch is midday and that breakfast bagel has already thoroughly digested itself did you know and here's a fact few bubles if a Jew eats a bagel it is 50% more nutritious than if a Gentile eats a sandwich That's that is a religious fact joining me today for the fifth time on the bugle But the first time on the better side of the equator come on Southern Hemmys for a 6.7 billion people can't be wrong

Welcome back live in London just one tables width away from me. That is about 10,000 miles less than last time she was on the show It's Alice Fraser. Hello Andy. Oh, this is so much better than when I was hiding in the ABC disabled toilets trying to get a connection with you guys last time Out of context that that might seem weird, but that is basically how the last recording Happened. Yeah, I was being booted out of various places in the ABC, trying to find a quiet corner. You know, I mean, what is technically a place where you're meant to be able to record things, but apparently you're not allowed to hide in the toilets. Good. Jimmy Hendrix used to hide in the toilet.

One not so much hide in the toilet as play plays guitar in the toilet, rich in the producer chair this week. You're a guitaristist aren't you? I am, yes. How do you find the toilet to coos stick from a kind of Hendrix mimicry point of view? Well obviously it would be hugely advantageous to take a portaloo around with you all times just to get that really echo inside. Is that why they have so many portaloo's at festivals? That's what the bands are all warming up. Okay, I understand it now. This is Bugal 4,036, 4036. Interestingly, the last personal pin number of Henry VIII, that was what he used for his passwords in the last few years of

life. Of course, the six that came from obviously the number of wives he had four was the number of wives dead or alive who still had heads. Nought was the number of wives he had four was the number of wives dead or alive who still had heads. Nought was the number of wives he'd ever had who didn't look at him a bit funny when he started telling him how some of his previous relationships had ended. And three was the number of spouses he'd had beheaded. That's right. Recently released documents suggested that he did actually marry Satomas Moore in what was possibly the first gay wedding in British history.

That's not actually proven. But you know, you draw the vent diagram between people Henry VIII had beheaded and wives and there's a good chance someone's going to fall into that by accident. Surely, I'm not a mathematician. That was the choice they gave so Thomas Moore when they offered to chop his head off more or less. We've got Colin early Earth, wordplay joke. That's good. Improv. It's all improv, Andy.

This is the bugle for the 10th of July 2017, 100 years to the second, since the first time anyone used the phrase, so has anyone got a plan B after the First World War had quite literally got stuck in the mud. 1967 was on this day, the first room was that a fleet of alien spaceships had attacked the world, moving slowly horizontally side to side and firing bombs downwards. They were eventually defeated after an increasingly frantic defensive effort by a laser cannon. It was never officially confirmed, but just 11 years later, the first space invaders computer game came out, joined the dots people, joined the f***ing dots.

In 1584, on 10 July, just 433 years ago, the first ever assassination of a head of state with a handgun. The celebrity assassinee on the occasion being King William the Silent, he was the victim helped to very much live up to his name by the 16th century shooters, Balthazar Gerard. Now Balthazar Gerard, who I mean, I mean, he's been very silent pretty much ever since King William the silent to be fair. Gerard was captured after quite literally tripping over a pile of rubbish with a bladder

tied to his waist. Isn't the history fun? And his sentence was to have his hand burned off with a red hot iron, to have flesh torn from his bones in six different places, to be caught and disemboweled, to have his heart rip from his still-life body and thrown in his still-conscious face, and then just in case decapitated. In the meantime, he would have 130 kilograms of weight dangling from his toes. He would be latched to a pole and whipped, obviously.

Then the wounds quite clearly smeared in honey and then left for a goat to lick the honey off. Well, apparently the goats wanted no part in this and refused to face itself in this strange going. I got a vegan. They don't approve of honey. I mean, it's interesting that they've gone there for the not-to-bearing of honey rather than not approving of the wounded human flesh element of veganism.

Yeah, goats don't respect humans, but they do respect beasts. They respect the beast. Well, that's good to hear. Also, Balthazar at his feet crushed and roasted, which is may not really ideal if you're a potato, let alone a human foot. Then of course a cheeky little blast of sleep deprivation whilst his hands and feet were tied together. Force to wear shoes made of dog leather, which is very untrendy at the time, so I've more of the other humiliations. Yeah, his armpits branded. Yeah, he was jabbed with nails because why wouldn't you? And he had burning bacon fat poured all over him, which in context was probably the highlight,

at least that would have, you know, not culture. Not culture. No, I don't know if Balthazar Gerard was into, into culture food or not. Yeah, it sounds like the absolute definition of overkill. Yes. And also it does raise questions about the quality of his lawyer. Yeah, Balth does our good news. We've managed to get the having Marmalade Lictoff

here open wounds by donkey, transmuted to having honey Lictoff your open wounds by a goat. So I think that's definitely a step forward. And hopefully we can now be being branded and then forced to wear an alcohol soaked shirt. Oh, sorry, I didn't tell you about that. Did I? Sorry, that's in the small print.

Anyway, hoping to get that bump down to clamping in badges under a 10 volume encyclopedia, while someone plays table tennis with your eyeballs. My invoices in the post, could you please pay that before the bit where they rip your heart out and shut your head off? That does mean I'm not super hopeful about the appeal. That seems a harsh sentence for any crime, really. Yeah, yeah, that's the like, but how can we kill him, but more? I don't know if this, I mean, this to me is one of the reasons we left Brexit is this kind of European excessive bureaucracy and compromise. Clearly, this has happened

on the continent is low to people all wanting to have their say, you've ended up with a ludicrically convoluted sentence, everyone on the have there, but it's gone way too far. That sentence, I reckon, was on a lot of people's minds when we voted just over a year ago, Alice. I mean, look, it does drop recidivism, right? Significantly. Yeah, well done for saying the positive in that. Yeah, I don't think Balfazard

Gerard ever assassinated another head of state with a handgun again. So can't argue with the stats, cannot argue with the stats. And that was in 1584. 1928 on the 7th, we were recording on the 7th of July. And on this day, Alice, 89 years ago, sliced bread was sold for the first time. Pre-sliced bread, one of the most significant landmarks in the history of idioms. well I mean because obviously that led to the best things in sliced bread suggesting that up till 1928 7th of July there was a different thing by which good things were compared yeah just people laying a slice of ham on a loaf

and knowing at it right so the best thing since the open ham sandwich yes exactly progress is progress the open ham sandwich. Yes, exactly. Progress is progress. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, it's a summer films section. We review the picnic, uh, Moody Arthouse French offering original title, Lipique, in which a teenage boy has a coming of age picnic in which an older woman teaches him how to grudgingly pretend to enjoy eating carrot, batons and and celery sticks, whilst being harried by a wasp and worrying about impending rain, starring a newcomer, Balfour Slush, and the star of afternoon at the Cloudy Beach, by the same director, Julietta in Clamon Bear. For the family, new animation coming out of the big animation studios in America, entitled

Massive-Eye Generic Animated Characters in an irritatingly self-satisfied plot voiced by famous people who've clearly phoned it in in one afternoon, long awaited follow-up to all other recent family films. It's going to be absolutely great for the summer. Also, coming out this week, we review Big Old Titties 2. The controversialy titles but slow moving documentary about the restoration of a series of large murals by the 16th century Italian Renaissance painter Titian. I mean I could have thought that's really just about getting bombs on seats isn't it? And also in the summer film section we interview the Hollywood block bluster a clavicle scrayhorn about his new preemptive unicycle justice motor five, both the first and fifth installments of the brand

new hyper franchise justice motor, which set the hit the screens this weekend. Scrayhorn plays judge Frank Clank, who drives his four wheel automated Lamborghini courtroom at breakneck speeds around the streets of Americana dispensing on the spot off the dashboard justice with a side order of meaningless tangential incidental violence reaching the parts of society the legal system cannot or will not reach thrilling action and technical legal arguments all the way as Judge Clank chases down the prosecution Humvee and the defense motorcade at speeds in excess of very fast indeed, with

an even more thrilling edge of the seat verdict scene whilst Judge Clank careers down a mountain road with no brakes. Scraheon explained about the pre-sequel. Obviously, we haven't yet made Justice Motor, Justice Motor 2 appeals on wheels. Justice Motor 3 verdicts of the room room or even JM4 12 angry kilometers But by bringing out justice mode of five hearings on the highway first before the others We thought we could make it seem like a successful film franchise that keeps just churning out the big ones year on year Regardless of quality and that means ticket sales

Scrahorn explain the justice mode of franchise has also already skipped out to spin off TV series service station litigation and to wheel Tesla motorbike magistrate in order to give the commercially advantageous impression that Justice Motor has already outgrown its own success and it's probably worth going to see in the cinema just to see how they're still dragging it out even though you know it's probably going to be shit. Next films in the franchise Justice Motor 8 one last case and Justice Motor 9, another One Last Case. Are you out in 2022 and 2024 respectively? Hoping to make people think, oh no, I must have missed part 6 full-tilt testimony

and part 7 subpoenas at speed. And fork out the hard-earned ticket money once again. That section in the bin. I don't believe in those action movies, you know, it's just a subpoena's extension. Top story. North Korea missile mess. The United States has cautioned on Wednesday that it is ready to use force if need be to stop North Korea's nuclear missile program. But it said it preferred global diplomatic action against Pyongyang for defying world powers. North Korea test launched a ballistic missile that could hit Alaska and Kim Jong-un called it a gift package to the US on the 4th of July. Which, look, it's not a great gift. I mean, I'm quite good at going, ooh, just what I always wanted when someone gives me a fidget spinner, but the threat of nuclear war is not on the GQ-man-tastic

list of 10 great gifts that will blow her underpants off. Did you know that Kim Jong-un is actually his nickname? It's short for Kim Jong-un pleasant. I did not know that, but it stacks up with his behaviour. Yeah, it really is. The US is saying that it would prefer diplomatic action to military force, which I mean, I don't know, why would you prefer diplomatic action to nuclear war? That's just silly. It's like, you know, when your manager, Kevin, keeps insisting on taking you out to dinner

to talk about your performance at work instead of letting you do the deadly knife fight for the honour of the sales department that I keep suggesting. Don't tell me you wouldn't hit your KPIs with vigor if the alternative was a slashing, sweaty scramble in the bloodied sands of the arena or as Kevin keeps insisting on calling it the lunch room. It's, I was just thinking actually, I'm going to kind of go into this story as blown up this week because I was just sitting at home on Monday, thinking to myself, I still got this planet really, really neat right now. And that is North Korea to prove that it can fire missiles onto American soil. That will sort everything

out. I mean, quite why you would want to fire a missile at Alaska is not entirely clear. I don't know that it would necessarily change the sort of howling wasteland aspect of it. Yeah, I'm like warm the place up of it I guess. So, if anything, it might be considered a large-scale home improvements. Um, Trump's reaction to this, I mean clearly he would absolutely love a massive global war. Even if he can't say that out loud, I think in the film that is going on inside his head, that is how he sees how he sees it all playing out. Yeah, I think he's watched too many movies, because what he's done now is he started putting pressure on China to stop trading with North Korea, suggesting that they will have US sanctions against any country that does business with

this outlaw regime, which I mean boycotting China, it's not like they make literally everything you buy. I mean, you've got the option between nuclear brinkmanship or alienating China. It's starting to look like the only choice Trump is proposing is whether the barren wasteland with no computers and brutal food shortages is going to be radioactive or not. Would you like a cat vomits sandwich or a radioactive cat vomits sandwich? We have gluten free bread. I mean, he must be, I think he's probably a grudging admirer of Kim Jong Un in some ways, particularly his amazing TV ratings figures, because I mean, that is how Trump judges the value of a person clearly. It's by their TV ratings. And

Kim Jong Un, according to official North Korea government stats, his new TV series, Kim Jong Un, walks along a path and then eats a snack, was watched by over 40.3 billion North Koreans. So when those are impressive stats, that's the kind of numbers Trump listens to. I mean, I guess when you see a global crisis that brings together Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump, and you know, I am a Trump skeptic, I think I've laid those cards on the table. I guess mathematically the world is hoping that it's like a double negative that's an idiot times an idiot equals a genius and they'll come up with some kind of grand plan for saving the whole of humanity. Yes, sort of, uh, Pornchie Plutocrats incorporated, so rating Bonanza.

I don't, I, yeah, I try not to think about it too much because it just makes me sad. Pornchie Plutocrats incorporated, and certainly is another one of the animated summer films coming out from the Pixar studio. I guess the same way people are hoping when Trump meets Putin, that's the same double negative principle. They will emerge from a single great guy, modest, balanced objective, and with the best interests of all humanity at heart. Well, I mean, that seems inevitable now. I reckon we need scientific testing. I reckon we need to fire them both at each other at high speed, and then we either get two pancakes,

or the world leader that we've always wanted. I mean, people talk a lot about the global events that have had the biggest TV audience, you know, the moon landings, obviously back in the day in terms of proportion of the planet, generally whenever India plays Pakistan at cricket in a significant game, it's up at the top 10 of all time, most important events. But Trump and Putin being physically fired at each other in some kind of high-tech modern jousting. That I cannot believe any less than 99% of the world's population would tune in for that. Yeah, and if they hit each other enough velocity, then the McKismo fall out will give everybody much stronger biceps. I also like Kim Jong and describing this as

a gift. It does suggest he needs to see someone about his anger management issues. And it does explain why his life partners generally look a bit worried? Yes, and when you say life partners, yeah, I mean, life is a flexible term in Kim Jong-un's world. They have done ever since, is notorious Valentine's Day, Pink and Blue, his and hers, Miss Al's test debacle. I mean, this is a man who broke up with one of his generals

by literally firing a missile onto him. Yes. And Trump tweeted, does this guy have anything better to do with his life? Well, no, he's a, he's a lunatic despot. He's just doing his job. I mean, this is, I mean, he's doing it by the book. He's almost like he's watched the cartoon films. And that was exactly what to do. It does also make you want to just, Mr. Trump, not have anything to do with his time, than sending tweets to loony desn't bots, criticising them for how they're spending their lives. I think events have proven definitely not. No, other than

harassing journalists and racking up prize after prize from overtly awkward marriage monthly magazine. The previous American tactic with career was strategic patience. That is now over, apparently. I don't know if it's been replaced with strategic impatience, unstrategic patience, or unstrategic impatience. It's like that known, known, unknown thing all over again, perhaps some kind of middle ground like tactical irritability or diplomatic stroke border lining. Yeah, maybe we need a naughty corner. A global naughty corner. Also known as the International Criminal Court, isn't it? G20 news now and what I mean, it's international diplomacy all over the place this week,

Alice, the G20, everyone's favourite collection of 20 powerful geopolitical entities. They're having a, well, the first meeting since Trump became leader of the universe is clearly loving every second of it. You know, this is his natural, his natural habitat as the pretend politician has become. Oh, yeah, just doing his handshake, weird wrestling thing. Oh, makes him happy. Yes. But it is slightly concerning. At this delicate time, have America represented by a conversational cesspit. But he is essentially the world's most oddly quaffured resignation letter. Dear planets, we're here by tender our notice as global superpower and a beacon of hope regard USA.

And I mean, he seems to use the world in very, very binary terms. He seems to have as rigorous a grasp on the infinite complexities of history and global politics as Julia Caesar, the former ancient Rome superstar and latterly part-time pincushion, same grasp as Caesar had on how to play pro-evolution soccer on a PlayStation. In that he looks like he needs at least another 2000 years to start even starting to get the hang of it. And the meeting with Putin, clearly, I mean, this is, you know, the love that Deer Not Speak, it's name, or certainly Deer Not Speak, it's name in

courtrooms. Yes, yeah. I'm so upset by Putin's just very general presence in the world. I kind of hope that he's regretting his choice to back Trump in the recent American election, as all evidence seems to indicate that he did. I'm hoping that he's just made that realization

as you do sort of five minutes into a Tinder date of like, oh, this was a terrible, terrible decision. I've used the internet for evil rather than good. Right. Yeah, I've not really thought of Putin's relationships in terms of Tinder, but that does. I think that probably suites his psychological profile, doesn't it? He's wiped right on Trump by accident. Right. I think that is... I mean, at this time, I think for us to start harnessing the wonders of modern technology to help streamline our political processes. And, I mean, there's an awful lot of beating about the bush in international politics, people saying things quite cryptically. If we reduced it down to a simple, tender swipe,

I mean, that's pretty much how wars used to be declared in the 18th century, I think. Direct democracy. Yeah. Very direct democracy. Chancellor Angela Merkel said that while there be likely agreement on combating terrorism financing, there remains a whole series of thorny issues

within the G20, including their differences with America over its protectionist attitude to trade while Germany is fighting for open markets. I mean, if you're trying to have a productive discussion with Donald Trump, it's less thorny issues than it is wearing a thornbush as a G-string. You just want to have a nice sit down, but you've got a spiky branch presenting irreconcilable differences to your perineum. Right. How much empirical resources have you do for that?

I'm doing it now. German police have used water cannons to disperse around 500 anti-capitalist protesters overnight in Hamburg, where Chancellor Angela Merkel will host the leaders of the G20 in a two-day summit, which starts on Friday. Tens of thousands of protesters are expected to march in the city against globalization, corporate greed and a failure to tackle climate change and I for one I'm going to be right there with them selling anti capitalism t-shirts and fidget spinners that say fight the power. Let's go to have water. The water is too modern now but water can there's something charmingly retro about just firing water cannons at protesters isn't it?

The fact that not everything is changing in the world. There are still some beacons of stability to cling to. Yes, especially if you consider that they've been watching the Wizard of Oz and they're assuming that all protesters are witches and will melt. Is that not so? That I believe that scientifically that is what they are attempting to do. Because nothing makes you less angry than being sprayed in the face with water. Er, what?

Depends if it's a hot day or not, isn't it? It's true. Yeah. I take it back. God. MUSIC Saudi Arabian journalism news. Saudi Arabia's King Salman Bill Abdulaziz

has ordered a columnist to be suspended from his job after he equated the king with God according to Saudi Arabian media. I mean, kings, am I right? You can't please them. They're always like, praise me, praise me more, more, less, less, little to the right. Yes, yes, no, fuck it, you ruined it.

I'm going to sleep. The Al Jazeera paper has apologized profusely and it's anticipated that they will buy the King some pretty flowers on his way home from work and compliment his hair. The King has made a reservation for brunch with his girlfriends where he's expected to complain that newspapers are way too keen as kind of a turn off and where have all the good men gone and my right sisters. I mean, it's, I mean, look, there's different ways of interpreting this. I mean, it could be that he's worried being associated with God as leader of Saudi Arabia,

because God, of course, had way, way more progressive attitudes towards women than Saudi Arabia as generally had. Despite being brought up in a very different time to be fair to God, I think does explain. But I'm not saying it justifies some of the slightly more misogynistic attitudes god has expressed over the years i mean we all have our issues with self-loathing and arguably god is both man and woman and the woman is just you know him thinking his bum's a bit fat you know that's that part of his personality he's got to punish right punish Right, it's like an earthworm. I mean earthworms.

God is like an earthworm. That's my favorite hymn. It's so funny. It's a funny phrase. Coming to the earthworms must have awful self image issues. I think there's natural world's most famous homophrodite species. Oh yeah, earthworm stand up is awful.

Differences between men and women, are there? I don't know. I do worry if they start applying the same principles to journalists forning over the royalty in this country, there are going to be a lot of tabloid hacks really having to tone down the Lizzie language. Because I mean, I think we pretty much view our monarch and of course your monarch as an Australian. Oh boy. As a long, may she rain as a as a deity as a god in that there is no discernible proof that she does anything.

People find sucker and comfort in the idea of her existence. And she's more comforting than the alternatives in some ways, and also napatistically appoints her own son to top jobs. So clearly a lot of similarities. Yeah, I regularly sacrifice a goat to Queen Elizabeth. A goat? That's how we do it in Australia. The goat sacrifice. Yeah, well, I disagree with their attitude to bees. Gender equality news, Harvard's Fox Club, will not allow nine women who had enjoyed be. Gender equality news Harvard's Fox Club will not allow nine women who had enjoyed provisional

status in their group to become full members, effectively expelling the women and marking the club's return to all male status almost two years after it first became co-ed. The women, although they did their best to fit in with the club's ethos, were told to go Fox themselves. Despite their best efforts at Vixen, the gender imbalance, I guess they were just not game enough for the Fox Club. Come on. Look, I think it's a step forward. The Fox Club is just taking one of the necessary steps to getting back to its roots as a club that is entirely for Foxes. Soon the male memberships will also be revoked and the club will be as it

was always meant to be a safe haven for foxes to play drinking games and do the fox trot without the constant threat of torries and hunters and fashionable women who want to wear them as neck decor. Foxes need a safe space. I mean, of course, it's politically incorrect and they are being a bit hunky about it. Come on. Well, that kind of stuff is always welcome in this broad church of the beautiful. Why do you look pained? I mean, this is hard for this one on a leading educational establishments in the world. So, a peer to decide that women are just a passing fad. I mean, we did, after all, get along without women quite well,

until the feminazi lobby force got to make Eve. So just getting back to basics, isn't it? Yeah, just stick the rib back where it originally was. Gonna play a nice round of golf. Ha! Despite the best efforts of the Fox Club to ensure that all the world are male graduates. I think that's what it's about.

Apparently, a man shortage is prompting educated women in America to freeze their eggs, a shortage of what the report described as educated men. Yeah, it's all gone downhill since they taught women critical thinking and now they can't find men who are they willing to mate with. But I mean, does this suggest that women are far too picky nowadays? I mean, it wasn't so long ago that you people are happy to find a man who could draw a rough picture of a cow on the wall of a cave

and bring down a diplodocus with a spear. But thanks to Mrs. Pancast, it's all we've all got to be rocket scientists now as well. Yeah, well, it's, it is a feminism problem. We, you know, women want all of the power, but they don't want to be, you know, the, the breadwinner and the, and the smart one in the relationship as well. They keep wanting a guy who's like equal or better. We need to get like, we need to get with the man program and start marrying like dumb pretty ones. Well, that's what my wife did. That's real equality. Yeah.

She's a pioneer. The author of the report is Professor Marcia Inhorn, who's clearly fictitious. I imagine from the same people who created Elon Musk, the equally fictitious tycoon. And Nathan Chestnut, the hot dog eating champion. Well, we will get on to get on to get on to him later. Is it Nathan? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, minutes. Yes. And they say there's a man shortage. Well, exactly. These Harvard women are just looking in the wrong place. They're looking, they're not looking in hot dog eating competitions.

There is, I mean, he is a genius of hot dog eating. I think it's his 10th win in a row at the Nathan's hot dog eating competition. Raising the interesting question, Joey Chestnut now the most influential man in history with the initials JC? Or might the likes of Christ Caesar, cash, John, Corbin and Teretellis player Jeremy Chardy have something to say about that. I mean what an amazing skill to have though. I mean this in terms of You were we talked a lot about impending apocalypse on the show, in terms of the skills you all need as the world falls to pieces.

Yeah, getting it all down before the zombie horde arrives, getting in your nutrition for the next three weeks. Here's a role model for all humanity. Offending as many vegetarians as you possibly can in the shortest period of time. Because they basically don't, don't the hot dogs in water, don't they? To make them more delicious. I think that's just basic. Libertation, yeah. In January, isn't it?

So, basically, these water soaked tubes of probably headable animal death. Swarrow them down, and naturally, and medically inadvisable speed, to the bang adulation of a crowd of people who select their primary evil blood lust by watching dog after dog after dog disappeared down the well-trained colors of their heroes. I mean, I love sports, you know, Alice. Yes.

But it's made me think, is this hot dog eating actually any more weird than professional rugby union or ice hockey? I mean, it does definitively answer the question, should you, if you can, with the answer no? LAUGHTER That is the ultimate end of all philosophy now. That sentence, congratulations. I mean, I sort of understand the urge to sort of improve yourself

and impress other people by doing as much of whatever it is that you're doing that you can, right? That's a classic man, a man attitude of like, oh, more, better, harder, 72 hot dogs, but I don't understand the people who watch it. Right. Maybe that's just, you know, my prejudice talking, I can't see the beauty and elegance that I can see in a Roger Federer backhand in a man eating 72 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I just don't have the same frame of reference, maybe because I've not been brought up from a young age watching people eat 72 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Maybe I'll appreciate the...

Maybe you need to plunge yourself into this sport to truly appreciate. I think you need to go home by 100 hot dogs and tell your mom, tell your wife it's for research. I can tell my mom as well. Tell your mom it's for research, tell your wife it's for research and then just eat them in front of your children. Right. Is it like football? Do you have to support like your local hot dog eater? Well, I don't know if you support the eater or if you support the hot dog manufacturer. Is it like Formula One? Are they like hot dogs that are scientifically just give you a huge advantage?

We'd like Fernando Alonzo in Formula One. But I mean, we've talked a little bit recently about hybrid sports as well. And I think, you know, hot dog eating is gonna really make it to the masses. It needs to piggyback on another. Oh, extreme hot dog eating while doing the lose. Yeah, the lose.

I'm thinking maybe Olympic dressage. Well, you know, that's a very technical sport that doesn't have a broad range of appeal, but imagine how many more people watch it. And the losing horse becomes the hot dog. Well, that, you know, that that has been suggested by the French Olympic committee. But the, um, well, I guess I've been thinking of the rider being the one who ate the hot dogs. Maybe if the rider and the horse have to eat the hot dog each with every bit of horsey dressers. Sure. I mean, how would you rank the technique? Are you

going for pranciness or gluttony? Well, I mean, I don't understand dressage, but I understand they do get points for pranciness. Yes, it is pranciness is the official term, I don't understand dressage, but I understand they do get points for pranciness. Yes, pranciness is the official term of a league. And I, an I stress, I stressage is coming in the next Winter Olympics. That's what people are going to watch. Your emails now, and this comes from Ellen Akotto in Boston, Massachusetts, who writes, Andy, I just listened to episode 4,035 and was in sense to hear, Tiff Stevenson and Tom Ballard, giving you stick about not catching some stupid game of Throne's reference, when you had dropped Sir Donald Brabman's test batting average as the accuracy with which an iPhone will soon predict its own as future.

And they let it pass entirely without comment, Or indeed, any seeming recognition at all. Shame, shame, right, Eleanor, especially on Tom Ballard, not only because he is an Australian, and you'd therefore have known this from birth, but also because he is an occasional employee of the ABC who used the Don's average as their mailing address, PEOBOX 9994, for their flagship national sport radio program grandstand. But no, he and Tiff would rather cram their brains full of dragon shit. What is this world coming to? Yours an admiration of subtle cricket illusions, Ellen Akato. That's, well, that's good to hear that.

You know, test cricket from the 19, from 1928 to 1948, can still get people's attention just as game of thrones. I mean, I'm shocked that your listenership is more pro cricket than pro game of Thrones, Andy. Really? No. Ha-ha-ha.

After, are you a Thrones fan? No, I mean, I read the books, and then, sort of, after a third or fourth time, an underage girl gets sort of married off, I thought, oh, this is less a plot point than a hobby for the whole thing. Yeah. I just, you know, I think if you're into test cricket, Game of Thrones just doesn't hack it for me. You know, do keep your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebugelpodcast.com. Well, that brings us towards the end of this week's show. I hope you enjoyed it. It's been

a delight to have Alice back on the show. She is knocking around Britain for the next, well, three months, including a month in Edinburgh, plug the show Alice. 10pm at the Gilder Balloon. The show is called Empire. And I'm worried that 10pm will lead to lots of drunk idiots coming to my show. So come and don't be a drunk idiot. My show will be an altogether less drunk and idiot heavy show in three in the afternoon where I get look at his Edinburgh

I get sober idiots instead Maybe slightly hopped up on caffeine after an early start My show Saturn is for hire with which Buegler will probably be familiar at the stand from the 14th ish at the stand from the 14th ish. I should know this point now, shouldn't I? It's all online. Just show up in Edinburgh and hang around.

You'll find Andy. I do send your requests to satirize this at satiristforhier.com because that email feed could really do with some emails that are not offering me penal medication. But are you happy with the strength of your erections, Andy? Well, oh we're out of time. Thank you for listening, Bugglers. Next week is the live bugle from the underbelly in London with Nishkoomar and Helen Zoltzmann. That show is now sold out but there will be two

live bugles in Edinburgh on the 16th and 27th. And further livebuggles later in the year in London. So listen, listen to this space. Watch and listen to this space. And I will tell you all about them in due course. Until next week, goodbye. Bye! Goodbye. Bye!