The Bugle - Bugle 4037 – In the belly of the bull

Episode Date: July 14, 2017

Andy is joined by Helen, Nish and Producer Chris for a live special at the Underbelly festival in London. This week; world population, Steve Bannon, puns and British racism. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Buglers and welcome to issue 4,037 of the Bugel, which coincidentally is also issue 4 part alpha of the Bugel Live. It's highlights from the show at the underbelly on London South Bank,

recorded on Thursday the 13th of July 2017. But don't just take that from me, take it from me, introducing myself at that show. Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Here we go, there it is! That is the official Bugle Theme music. It is now officially showtime. So please now welcome to the stage,

the laughter crafter who gives birth to Muth, then suckles juckles at the tit of wit, and reigning WBO and IBF Bantamway champion of the world, and proven liar, Mr. Andy Zoltzmann. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. Hello, Bueglers. Thanks. Welcome. Welcome to the fourth, the fourth live Buegl. Very good. Well, how are you all?

Could I do hope you're more specific than that when you go to see a doctor. How are you feeling? Boom! So welcome, welcome everyone to the Bugle Live, the theatrical extravaganza that works even better when you cannot actually see it. So thank you for coming to the visual version of a renowningly audio only show I am Andy Zoltzman this as you may be aware is Chris the producer this is what he looks like. This we are recording recording this and be going out as next week's

bugle at the today's date Thursday the, the 13th of July 2017, if you don't believe me, can you please confirm that audience? Good, that's as good as holding up a newspaper in a hostage video. On this day, all of one year ago, David Cameron formally resigned as Prime Minister to spend some more time with his lifetime of harrowing, sleepless, haunted regret, and guilt-addled waking nightmares about what the f**k he wrote upon this country. And in fact, just today, one year on from Cameron's resignation, they have released the official transcript of his conversation with the Queen Under the official secrets and lies act. It has now been been revealed after the one-year cooling off period and the official transcripts

Goes as follows. Well, you f*** that right up, didn't you? Yes, Mom, you are a tool fair point mom Fancy golf next Thursday, so um Fancy golf, of course, the royal version of Crazy Golf. So, I don't know. On, uh, on this day, in 1919, the British airship R34 landed in Norfolk, completing the first airship return journey across the Atlantic, taking just 182 hours of flight. Also coincidentally on the same day, the first ever recorded complaints about a lack of

choice in in-flight movies. Now as always, a section of this live audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. Oh, Lordy. I will never, never tire of that. This week we're looking at wearable tech, the human body. Who has wearable tech here? Does anyone have, yes, what have you got up there? Shit. Oh, shit. I don't believe that is wearable tech.

It may be wearable, but tech may be pushing it. What have you got up there? A Fitbit. I believe this is how Donald Trump refers to... Anyway, look. I'll leave you to choose which member of his family you think. Anyway, but... I feel, well, there's some excitement. You'll be quite interested in some of the new stuff that's coming.

Because we've lost. We've accepted the human body as the useless pile of outdated garbage that it obviously is. If I may quote my wife. But technology is saving us from the fragility of fresh with its life-enhancing wonders. This week, we review the latest new wearable tech, including the Kukunko eyelid. This replaces the human eyelid, and it scans your internet history to get a full 5D profile of your mind, body, and soul.

And then automatically shuts your eyes when something is visible on screen or in reality that you might not like. This is the future. Also, the O2Tech Sweet Talker 3.2, this replaces the ear, and it translates everything you hear in conversation on TV or even on podcast into exactly what you want to hear. So never be disappointed again with the O2Tech Sweet Talker 3.2. It translates other people's criticisms

into personal compliments, harrowing news stories into feel-good buddy movies, and even get sacked by your boss. Your sweet talker 3.2 will tell you you're being rewarded for your brilliant work with a never-ending lifetime holiday. So that's the future recommended, especially for criticism-sensitive social groups such as children politicians voters women and men Also in the ear tech the cochlear Spelt KOCH Hyphen L.E.I.R. That's about alternative quotes directly into your ear from Republican supporting tycoons, the cock brothers, and King Lear, the old Shakespearean King.

That is the official version of King Lear, L-E-A-R, rather than the unofficial L-E-E-R, which was an entirely different play. Oh, Cordelia, you have grown. Also the... And also, the final piece of wearable tech we're reviewing this week, the slamslun cod piece. The first sustainable, fully sustainable cod piece. You wear it with the accompanying 3D, 10G enabled joxtrap.

The cod piece has full 360 degree functionality and can alert the wearer to any impending collision-oriented object heading towards his or her netherials and sound allowed alarm, but it cannot be used in conjunction with the Nokia Prince Albert that we reviewed in Bugle 291. There in fact has been a full product recall on the that's Electro-Togelurter. Also in the bin an official non-zodiac-specific horoscope because people don't like to identify with one zodiac sign. So this covers all zodiac signs these days with the moon once again aligned with bits of the sky with the moon once again aligned with bits of the sky

and the sun pointing outwards with Jupiter in one of its gassy faces you could be set to drink a cup of tea or other liquid at some point next week while someone you know fails to tell you about something they didn't think was really worth bothering you with be careful not to eat poisonous berries or jump into a crocodile pit at your local zoo with Pluto still further away than Mars and Saturn as big as it normally is that will only end badly. So those, those sections in the bin! Thank you! Right it's time to meet our guests for the evenings evenings live bugle. You ready to meet the guests? Brilliant, firstly, a woman who, when I first met her some 37 years ago, could barely string a coherent sentence together.

Emotionally very unstable prone to crying for no obviously discernible purpose. But look at her now, marginally improved in every way. It is the renowned former baby, now a podcaster to the stars, the scribbling, sibling herself, the Fount of All Wisdom, Helen Salzman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks, Andy. Thank you so much. Hello, honey. It's great to have you on the show. Thanks, our parents are in tonight, so if you need someone to blame. LAUGHTER Yes, there could be some awkward awkward Christmas coming up if this...

In the roll awkward with Jews. LAUGHTER Yes, it's very much an annual here's what you could have had. LAUGHTER So we're... We're back to wrong, what we back no horse. That was the front. We're just waiting for the right horse.

LAUGHTER Can you eat a horse? Anyway, I don't know. Horse is kosher, Dads. Can we? Is the horse kosher? That is the first. Chris, have you got internet access? Give me a minute. All right. LAUGHTER Sorry?

Who's a not-clove-an-so-it's fine. What if it lives in the sea? And... Sorry? Who's a not-cloveon, so it's fine. What if it lives in the sea and is wearing a shell? Our seahorse is kosher. Right. It's a pantomime horse kosher, because that's like a shell, isn't it? Bad bad you, bad. Helen is five years younger than me, and... I was a mistake.

She... It's fine. ...let history be the judge of that. And how present we can be the judge of that. And you owe me Helen. You owe me because I remember when we went to a brass band concert in the Tombridge Wells Assembly room when you were aged naught and you did a shit so big that they basically had to stop the concert so it could be clear that really the reason you owe me is because I've never ever Told anyone about that in public Do you do feel better now, but you've got it out your system as evidently I did then

That was one of the most spectacular three-dimensional heckles in showbiz history. Also, also joining us, someone from... Happy to be here. ...and entirely... ...and entirely different family. It's Steve Farmer, four-weight world boxing champion, widely regarded as the best pound-for-pound fighter of the mid-1990s. From Norfolk... Oh, no, sorry, that's the introduction written in case pernell's sweet pea wittaker turned up.

He's lying here, so, anyway, someday. It's meant, joining us for neither the first time nor the last, it's this week's convincing winner of the most bearded bugle co-host of the week. It's Nish Kumar. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Zoltman. Hello, Bugleers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here we are, back, Andy, performing inside an upturned purple cow Oh, no, you've taken the cow off. Oh, it's not a cow. Oh, it's slaughtered it. Oh really? Well, that's good for me because every time I used to do a gig in here it was a real it was really pissing on my Hindu upbringing Is it kosher? It just ought to be a Hindu's mate. You can't be like, well, I can't eat beef. Well, it's kosher. Yeah, that's not relevant to me in any way. Double negative. Nice to see you guys. You are one of the worst Jews of all time.

LAUGHTER Another classic Kenny Rogers song. LAUGHTER Another classic Kenny Rogers song. Yeah. LAUGHTER Boy, Kenny really lurched right in the 80s, didn't he? He really embraced Reaganism at tad too hard. How are you, Andy? I'm very well-thanks. How are you, Helen? Done any good shit when you were nish?

I feel like we need to catch up on your life. I've done a couple of absolute dozees today, if you must know. Proud of you. Hugely fibrous diet. I've been out on the frontlines of show business. I've done the bugle for a while, and I've been out on the frontlines of show business. I had a gig that devolved into a riot, and a man shouted, you sir are a f***ing at me.

And what I would say is, if you use the word f***ing, you've really invalidated your use of the word sir. Like, there is no point in embarking on a sentence that ends in that word and opening it with sir. Well, maybe he hadn't decided where he was going to go. Oh, he had decided. Like, I saw that C word coming like a freight train with the word f*** written on it.

And then four days ago, a man came up to me and a barn said, I'm a big fan, and I said, oh, thanks very much. And he went, you're resummed, right? And I panicked and went, sort of, which... Very weird response. and Ipanic, and went sort of, which... Very weird response. So, let me explain what's going to happen in this show. It is largely going to be very much like a normal bugle, but with 400 people thinking we could have stayed at home and listened to this.

There will... Absolutely incredible work from Sultansmen. You have no idea the brass balls it takes to walk out to an audience full of people who have played and been like, to you wasted your money. LAUGHTER And your time. I speak truth to power. Um, not power.

Audience. Sorry, anyway. Uh, we will have a question and art procession towards the end of the view, what are we will feel, any questions, personal, political or otherwise, and kill your lives of any problems that you have guaranteed. And, yeah, and that'll be it, and they may or may not be puns. Don't encourage him. But it's time for our top story.

So top story this week. On Tuesday, it was World Population Day. Who was aware of this? It's really at home. Who participated in it? Who on Tuesday was part of the world population for those special 204 out of me by the sounds of that as well? So now the world population is now 7.6 billion largely because of the 1960s when everyone

got incredibly horny and things really took off from there. That's it's an epidemic proportion, 7.6 billion. That is roughly the same number of people as there are bugle listeners. And very slightly more than 50% of the total number of human ears. But it is still way, way behind the number of dead people, though that's an estimated 107 billion. That's the dead population of the world, the great unheard majority, when more they're

apart from a Brexit, obviously. But 107 billion of them, the smug dead bastards, including many dead celebrities, actually a lot of celebrities have died, Julius Caesar, Martha Washington, Eric Bloodhacks, the former World No. 1 ranked Viking impersonator, Jane Austen, the professional liar, or novelist, as she liked to be known, Elvis Presley, yeah, deal with it people, deal with it. He's gone, died a month ago after driving a golf buggy into an aquarium. But 7.6 billion, so, how did you mark world population day? I continued to be part of the population, Andy. I continued very...

One of the things that I enjoy with these live shows is actually getting to see people react to the pure bullshit in person. There's always a couple of people who have always experienced it like badly cut heroin. And now for the first time they're getting a full dose and they look stunned. I marked world population day by continuing to be a proud part of the world's population, Andy. I walked around. Yep, that was about it.

That's a classic human act. That dates back to the very start of evolution. That's really getting back to roots. Helen wanted to, what in you? Because you actually, you are a couple of days late in your celebration of world population day because you today had some exciting jobs to try and keep yourself as part of the world population as long as possible. I had both the hepatitises, typhoid and MMR, which I thought I had had when I was one mother. I had a distinct recollection, one of my earliest memories of having this needle stuck in my arm,

and then crying when we walked up the road. So now I assume she just got a needle in my arm to teach me that the world is full of pain in a cruel place. Or she took me to get a tattoo which is faded as my infant arm grew. Never know. But I celebrated World Population Day on Tuesday, Andy, by not leaving the house once. Yeah, so I suppose that's one less you have to worry about. So there was also a report out in Conjunctive World Population Day that said the greatest impact that we can have in fighting climate change is to have one fewer child.

So as part of today's show, you are going to have to vote one of me and Helen out of existence. We will let if it's equal will our parents have the casting vote? So, why should it be you, Stairgon? Well, I'm five and a half years younger than you, so better value. I'm less incompetent, given that I can do more than nothing. What? Those cricket statistics do not look themselves up. I think they do, though. I think they're self-sustaining.

The other day, you got a sports injury, Andy. What are you doing? Yes, I got a sports injury. I don't even know if you can tell. I've got a sort of bruising on my hand here. I got this sports injury recording a radio foreshow that will be out in November. A radio foreshow about philosophy. And I... That is how much of a zeta male I am. I managed to injure myself recording a show about thinking.

That is... Because you are not cut out to do anything. You've been thinking. How do I say that? I've got these burns all up my arm. That's an egg-frying injury. It's been a pretty good week for the Zoltas. But in terms of... We can agree that our eldest brother Rick can stay.

LAUGHTER Chris, you've... So, basically, I have two children. Chris, one. I've two children. Chris, one. I've got one. Yeah. She can stay, yeah? Yeah.

I'm not quite sure I like this. That's fine. Sorry, I'm just keeping score here. Okay. Two, one. Nish. Zero kids. Zero, does that mean I have to kill one of someone else's?

That's not true. To get my number down to minus one. You have to kill one of the Zoltzments. You have to kill one of the salt. I have to kill one of the salt. That would be a real... It's going to move my mic further from you. Helen, have you got any children? I have zero children as well.

So I don't know how I can get that number down without becoming a child murderer. Anything for the world? I've got... Which of yours do you not like that much? I think, how many? They both do some jerk things sometimes. What?

Right. Are you... Sorry, that sounds like you're complaining about the house you've been living in for free for the last year. LAUGHTER Just a couple of weeks. Just a couple of weeks. I feel like I'm sort of Jerry Springer in Assaultsman family dispute.

Right, let's get into this, let's talk about these issues. Well, our mum could decide right now because she has experience of us both. I am an accident, but then she wouldn't have kept me if you hadn't been such a disappointment. This is good, this is we're healing, we're healing. This is exactly what exactly, yes, Jerry, Jerry. Maybe they don't think we're recording yet. Anyway, I think we're all right, because I've got my wife in as well. Where are you?

How many kids have we got? Is it two? Are we including my collection of wisdoms in that? Or is that a separate thing? But anyway. So basically three, three between four of us. So we're actually contributing to world population declining. Yeah.

You are welcome. Yeah, exactly. The eventual extinction of the species. There are, of course, other ways to cut your carbon feet off. Or... Or at least shrink your carbon feet like a Chinese gymnast. One, of course, is that if you... A lot of Chinese gymnasts, they did not like that joke. LAUGHTER

The bugle is huge in the Beijing tumbling circuit. If I can add Andy, I actually, in anticipation of this, try to break down the world population and have it represent this audience. Oh, yeah, okay. Would you like to know what, what if this audience represented the British population, what they will be like?

Right, go on then. So, 44 of you have had an affair. So, the person sitting next to you, should you be sitting next to them. London 2012 inspired 18 of these people in this room to play sports. Oh, that's right. Our parents took up beach volleyball after that.

80 people in this room didn't vote at the last election. Oh, you... not all twice. Hands up. Who did not vote? Did anyone hear not vote? What? Oh, oh. Why did you not vote? Not a British citizen. So what? Find the way!

Yeah. That's right. Do you live here? Yes. This is the future of... The... Commit electoral fraud is fine. Flame? It's fair.

You can't complain about both political apathy and electoral fraud. It shows commitment to the process. Do you read the news? Sorry? To read some news, when she was home secretary. Oh, all right. Okay. So, where are you from? The US. God voted, I voted in your election. Yeah, because I don't give a shit. In fact, you shouldn't have, did you, did you vote in your election last year? You shouldn't have voted.

That Americans, the American election is so important, that Americans are the last people in the world. It affects the rest of the world far more than it affects America. America should not be allowed to vote in its own election. It should be exclusively a rest of the world vote. I bet Donald Trump, which is he had one less kid this week. LAUGHTER CHEERING

Just suddenly, he ends up being like, oh, look, sorry, Donald Trump, Juneau, but I'm afraid I've suddenly come over all eco-friendly and you are gonna have to go. I met an American chap this week who said we were talking about some Trump versus Brexit and he said, well, at least we'll get rid of him in four years' time or sooner if he gets impeached.

And there really is this naïveety. Do you think that if he gets impeached or loses an election, he's going to leave? This does not end with him flying away. This ends with him on the roof of the White House, with Melania in one hand, like King Kong. And a phalanx of biplanes making a way down the lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Oh! Anyway, with our grace, other news now, miss, you have a story for us. Yes, racism news now. Oh, that's what they've come for.

That's what we know they're in. It's Chinese gymnasts and English racists. Bit of a spicy meatball has happened in the UK this week. A Conservative Member of Parliament was recorded at a public meeting about Brexit at the East India Club using an expression that involved the N word. So we got Tory Minister in the East India Club and the N word. This is racism cubed, okay? It is racism within racism with this is Inception racism.

The expression that Anne Marie Morris used was the N word in the wood pile referring to the possibility of a no deal on Brexit calling back to a saying that's often used at the date of my time in the Civil War in the state and means an unforeseen problem, right? Now, obviously, this is not what should have offended me immediately, but my first instinct was an American expression. Are we not even manufacturing racism anymore? What happened to good old, and it's not like we're short of,

most of our language is somehow racist. She apologized afterwards and said it was a slip of the tongue, which is a big, f***ing slip. Because that slip managed to take her back to the 19th century. And what's surprising about it is not necessarily that it happened, because unfortunately this is the sort of thing that we're kind of depressingly used to And not another Korean P did it in 2008? Yeah exactly!

She's not even the first Tory to get this phrase has not been acceptable in anyone's living lifetime Yeah how is it just so readily available to them? That is a question I think we can all answer internally I can't believe it So sorry Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn in power, in Downing Street. So maybe this is a tactic. Can you say this is to shore up Theresa Mays? Anyway. Well, she has been suspended, I believe, now. And what surprised me was not that it happened, obviously.

It has to be established. But it's the level of defense that people have sort of mounted. Even like people I know, like a friend of mine said to me, it's not racist. And I was like, I mean, it literally, I mean, that is the dictionary definition. Like, that is the most racist. That is the most, that is super racism.

Like, that is the one thing that we all know is that the N word is incredibly racist. And if you use it at a business meeting or anything professional, you probably don't deserve to run a McDonald's, much less a f***ing constituency. But then he then went, this is a real conversation that I had with my friend this week. He said, it's not racist, it's ignorant, right?

And he said, the thing about racist is that it's such a powerful word, we should be very careful about when we use it. And I thought, I'll tell you what, another powerful word is? LAUGHTER That we should maybe be careful about how we use. Phenomenal. Absolutely astonishing. I'm going to start, I've started employing some reverse racist sayings because there's so many in our languages or wash with them. I'm going to start dropping it. So any time you see, like instead of saying like something's a sore thumb,

right, all you have to do is say honky at a rap gig. That's... And any time you see something, which looks slightly out of place, but you can't put your finger on why, white lady in a saree. And... And any time you see someone benefiting unjustly, in spite of the fact that they were involved with a mistake that had previously made,

well, that's a full jaw- George Osborne. There you go. Three sayings to reverse the tide of racism. The full George Osborne, of course, the most currently, the most popular wax in the only sort of race-based snafu that occurred this week. The actor Shia LeBurf, which is of course French for Shave the Beef. LAUGHTER Hello, is this thing odd? That's... Apologised for using racially charged language

while he was being arrested by the police, finally, meaning that the Transformers films are not the worst thing he's done. And I also read this in the story. I didn't know anything about this, but this seems to be the paragraph that has really encapsulated where we are as human beings right now.

This was from the Guardian report about this particular incident. He wrote the, the act was arrested in January over a dispute connected to his art project, hashtag, He Will Not Divide Us, which is an art project designed to show Donald Trump that he wasn't going to divide people, right? And that art project has now been closed

after it became, and this is a direct quote, a flashpoint for violence. LAUGHTER That's the perfect encapsulation of everything after it became, and this is a direct quote, a flashpoint for violence. LAUGHTER That's the perfect encapsulation of everything that's going on in the world right now. LAUGHTER MUSIC Art news, and this week we learnt that Steve Bannon

has a large portrait of himself as Napoleon Bonaparte, LAUGHTER which was a gift. It was a gift from Nigel Farage. So I have a lot of questions. Firstly, where do you order one of these? Is there someone on Etsy who will say, right, you can choose from this list of historical figures or do you upload a photo Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith What are they having in common though? Firstly, it doesn't really have a Napoleon complex because Napoleon was five foot two, Steve Bannon is nearly six foot tall. Steve Bannon hasn't invaded Iberia and made his brother the King of Spain yet. Yes. And Napoleon was not a stakeholder in Seinfeld.

Right. So, well, Napoleon, though,ustol yn prywis bugol, as proved by evidenti ddysmembrid part of his body, haw yn ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ym souvenir and it's currently in a private collection. I mean that's an odd autopsy to be at isn't it? And you think Nigel Farage would have known the size of Steve Bannon. It's possible. They are good friends that go back away. Right. I mean I can't. It's an odd time of death, 1821, cause of death. I think that's a better joke than you're giving it a credit for. Cause of I think half-failure does anybody want to souvenir. Is it not ironic, Helen, though, that Farage should have given ban on a picture of Napoleon, a man who ironically got Britain very much involved in Europe. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

I think I'd always just assumed that re-portrait Steve Bannon News, that Steve Bannon, there was a portrait of him looking like a normal human being, and that he has spent his life trapped in a kind of reverse Dorian grey situation. LAUGHTER And it is, also, I mean, it's basically, another thing they've got in common. and that he has spent his life trapped in a kind of reverse Dorian grey situation. And it is also, I mean, it's basically, another thing they've got in common is that they do both, I mean, he looks as if he was last exposed to direct sunlight at about the same time as Napoleon was. Which, which, asshole from history, would you like to be portrayed as a gift from which asshole from the present?

That's... That's... that question's open to the floor. And that's, ladies and gentlemen, that is the chat-up line Helen used when she met her husband. He said, Otto von Bismarck, because of the hat. And I thought, that's the man for me. LAUGHTER Oh, I don't know, it's quite a difficult one.

Well, um... Oh, it's after you had a full... I don't know. In... Oh, Nebuchadnezzar. No, no, it's probably some good robes. Yes. Nebuchadnezz going is full name, of course. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio.

Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. I go like that, you look like that, tough. Well, it is your main. Was he recent enough? I just think that would be a nice person to get a picture from.

Let's see what I can arrange for Christmas. Yeah. That's a really difficult one. I'm surprised. I feel like one of you two should pick Hitler, just because you know how much it would have upset him. LAUGHTER Yes, that would really...

I mean, to be honest, I could pick Hitler, because I'm pretty sure he wasn't keen on my law either, to be 100% fair to him. And I would have it presented by... Oh, it's a tricky one this, isn't it? I would have it presented by Steve Bannon, because then I'd like to think that we get involved in a sort of train letter situation

where we have to forage as handed to Bannon and now Bannon has handed it to me. Now I've got to find another asshole to hand it over to and then the whole thing just keeps going until eventually. We bring it right background to forage as Idiarmeen which he would not be a fan of either. Can we have that picture up again? Because, uh, one we've talked about, bannons,

I know you shouldn't judge politicians on their appearance. But, I mean, he's a pretty much a one-man war against Vitamin E, you know? LAUGHTER I see that. I see that. I see that with respect and admiration, boy. Someone give him a f***ing orange, Jesus! I would imagine Napoleon, after his little jaunce to Russia, I'm going to get my fucking orange Jesus. I would imagine Napoleon after his little jaunts to Russia in the winter of 1812. Looks probably slightly rosier in the cheek than Bannon generally looks.

He just go to Russia a lot though probably. Yeah! APPLAUSE Zoom. APPLAUSE That is top-level B-unglige. LAUGHTER That is really... that is 25-karat B-unglige. How did we get here? I don't know. We actually landed on some legitimate satire. LAUGHTER That's not actually... Was that the actual picture?

That's it, because you can see his belly and I think Nigel Frage would probably make it a flattering portrait. Right. That's his hand. Yeah. That is himself checking, ripping out his own entrails to see if he can feel anything. Nothing. But I mean, it's not, they didn't actually have him for a sitting. They actually just used a police photo fit from a man who'd been seen wearing a long black cloak with a big hood carrying a sithe hanging around a nursing floor.

I don't know. Say what you're well about, Steve Badden, but he's the only person in the world who looks like his own partially melted Madame Tussort's wax work. Don't toy with us, Andy. Just get to the f***ing puns. OK. Well... Well...

You're like a shark circling its prey. Well... Well, since... Where all the prey? Since Helen is on the show as the undisputed world expert on etymology and language, I think that's fair to say, isn't it? Sure. Yeah. I thought of doing some language-based puns, but then I wasn't, you know, God was... All puns are language-based. Yeah.

Come on. Go go. Fucking amateur. Right. I'm impervious of this kind of shit. 37 years of it, you can battle for anything. But I just, not sure if they would play very well with the audience. I don't know, I didn't. But I'm not really... So I'm not compilting puns about figures of speech and rhetorical devices.

And it goes back to, I went to a yoga class a while ago. And I saw a member of the House of Lords exercising on a special bit in material. She lost her balance and fell flat on her face. Splat. Look, I said, on a matter, peer. LAUGHTER And it was... What? Genuinely, that was painful. That was a painful, painful one.

I think structurally, that was quite good. It was... It was... You were at a yoga class suspension of disbelief doesn't work that much. You got that. Injured, we're recording a radio for so about thinking. LAUGHTER

You'd done it, yoga. Anyway, it was, uh, Tert was better in a stanch, which, uh, she just brought this umbrella. She said it was the best umbrella she'd ever had. She went on and on and on about how bloody amazing the umbrella was. Uh, I really talked it up. She certainly liked to hyper-brolly. Oh!

Oh! She, uh... ...see, uh... ...my show, my rules. She sat down at a picnic, once, uh, she leaps straight up away in pain, showing, ow, now, wow, how, because right under her arsonance, nest, arsonance,

oh, that doesn't work. But no, she calmed down, so I'd started eating it. Andy, this is radicalizing me. All right. It's that easy. It's that easy, people. So she calmed down, so I'd eat in the food of the picnic. She particularly liked the dried fruits.

Oh, this is a gorgeous globular, gooey, grape, glorious. I had to try one. Mmm, I said, a little raisin, a little, a little raisin. A little raisin? A little raisin. Don't reward failure. There was a supposed to encourage you to stay safe. Look at how upset Chris is.

Imagine having to see this every week. I'm only 18. LAUGHTER Anyway, there was a nun there as well. She was throwing her open a jar of gherkin if I couldn't manage it. She got really cross. And started swearing. I can't bloody not, I'm f***ing screw. These pickle, cue bastard encumbers our steps into help.

Leave it to me, sis. Now, so to me, sis is when you split up one word with another word. Yeah, you know what makes jokes good? Footnotes. Anyway. Yeah, anyway, one girkin, she picked from the jaw. And one girkin, she bit into. One girkin, she chewed. One girkin, she swallowed. One girkin, she picked from the jaw. And one girkin, she bit into. One girkin, she chewed. One girkin, she swallowed. One girkin made her day.

One girkin, surely she would have another, but no, no more. That was an aphora. That was an aphora. Can you just explain what an aphora is? Because I can't remember it from when I rode the joke. Oh, shit. That was like, Dr Zunce had a stroke.

LAUGHTER Not a betting this. Oh, no. Right. Anyway. Oh, another full page. Oh, no. Right. Anyway. Oh, another full page. A full page there. Anyway, I think I'll end there.

So I don't think I was too bad. Quite pleased with it. It wasn't definitely not the worst pun run in the world. That's the truth. I wouldn't lie to these people. Like, lie to... Come on, lie to these people. I think the trouble is, Andy,

not that many people know that lie to these people T's that the term for the opposite fight verbally And if this is the way that they're gonna learn then I don't think they want to I think that is the way Education works in many different formats I'm done with that now I enjoyed it And to be honest we are too late for you to get your money back Oh, no, we say that. That actually began after 61 minutes of the show. And the show's advertised as an hour.

So, contractually, I had no duty to be funny. So... You nailed it. Hey, fair play to him. He's got your banter rights there. So, do listen to the Illusions, He's got your bank to write there. So do listen to the illusion is one of the great radio to be a podcast. Have you ever heard it? I've heard bits of it. I haven't even heard the bugle for. You've been on it more than one of us. Well, that I heard it. Listen to...

Or other illusionist podcast, Bertie the Magic Cheese Hammer. That's a science podcast by Professor Blutie, how much young's? Also previously did what if this shit is real? Which ask questions such as if a mollak, what happens if a molecule from Stalin's penis gets in my sandwich? Do I become a communist? The history podcast, thank these f**ks are dead, that's Professor Drevel Moraviyet, to follow up to his hit NPR series in America, my favourite dead bastards. They're great, your term has got a new true crime podcast with 234 examples of successfully prosecuted traffic violations. That's Sergeant Kurslake, Drampa the California traffic police. And celebrity

confessions. This week's episode features actor John Hamm cracking off the 25 minutes in a medieval thumbscrew and spilling the beans on his involvement in the Kennedy hit. And Madeline Allbright, former Secretary of State in America, during a recording, during a week in solitary confinement with a non-stop sound of a farmyod punctuated only by a ticked, chained, chained, screaming, scream if you want to go faster. Once every three minutes, gradually all by mentally disintegrates and safely admits that the Clinton administration tried to go to Colonel Gaddafi into invading Mexico. It's amazing. It's like food poisoning, just when you think it's over, there's another wave. It's like food poisoning, just when you think it's over, there's another way. LAUGHTER

I can't believe it's infected the plug section. Have you weaponised your bullshit? Anyway, better out than in. So... Is it, though? LAUGHTER Chris, any final comments? It's 25 minutes since I gave you a 5-minute warning.

Right, that is now officially the end of the show. Please, Eric, please, Chris, the producer, Nishkumar. Helen, was it, how do you pronounce it? That's, that's, man. That's, man. Thank you for coming to Eugglos, until next time goodbye. There you go, I hope you enjoyed that. There will be more from the same show in a future Buegl week soon, but that is all you're getting for now whether you like it or not, and I hope that you did like it.

Thanks once again to the night foundation for their support, and do of course listen to all the other shows on Radiotopia and nothing else in the world for the rest of your lives. And I mean nothing, not even the sound of the wind in the trees. Deal? Good. Until next time, buglers, goodbye. you