The Bugle - Bugle 4038 – Every Mushroom Cloud…

Episode Date: August 12, 2017

Andy is joined by Hari Kondabolu who reports from Seattle, right in North Korea's firing line. This episode includes all you need to know about Guam. Plus, doping scandals and an email from Eubie Butt. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Harry, can I just warn you that when Andy has the sort of silent moments of intense typing just before a show? It's usually directly proportional to the amount of bullshit that's gonna get spewed at some specific amount.

I'm just warning you now. I appreciate it Chris. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers! And welcome back from the Bugle Summer recess to this issue 4,038 of the universe's leading authority on all things related to the current phase of human evolution, the state of the universe, and feudal monarchy in the fictitious kingdom of Vorotania from the year 1379 to 1382, inclusive, that is, years of matter about people of course, when King Lothar the incomprehensible mumbled barely

audible volume during a series of unsuccessful battles that eventually led his usurple by his own wife, Queen Isidore the Pat of Aggressive. More on that coming in a new exclusive view of a 1000 page book. I am Andy Zoltzmann live back from holiday in London now after two weeks of almost zero access to all news, bliss, sweet, sweet bliss, and joining me from Seattle, Washington in the USA. It's the one and only Harry Condo-Bolo. Hey Andy, hello, how are you? There's a silly question to ask considering the news of the week.

Right, this might be it. This might be the last episode of the bugle and also of existence. Right. Well I mean the bugles managed to last out some major global crises. I don't see why potential nuclear conflict and the destruction of the planet should stop this podcast. Don't be so negative. Don't bring this show down with your pessimism. We will touch more on this in due course, as you would already know, if you can remember the start of the show about a minute and a half ago. This is Bugle 4038, coincidentally the final score

in a thrilling best of three coin toss competition between Napoleon and himself, over whether or not to invade Russia, he really wanted to build that giant snowman. We are recording on Friday the 11th of August 2017, meaning it is 33 years to the day since the same day in 1984 when President Ronald Reagan jokingly said in the sound check before his weekly address that we begin bombing in five minutes, almost sparking another global nuclear conflict. I don't know whether the current crisis would be a more childish way to pick in a global war than ticking around in a soundtrack, but it would be unnervingly close. As always, some sections of the Bugle are going straight in the bin. This week a catalogue of Bugle audio evening classes for the 21st century world,

choose from advanced scare mongering. Lesson one is basic MPQ, that's minimum plausibility quotients. Another class you could choose is pessimism for the naturally cheerful. That's increasingly popular and necessary in the modern world, self-sufficiency for the practically incompetent,

which is basically teaching you how to live off what spiders catch in the cobwebs in your house. Pedantry with wrestling, a useful double up for today's argumentative world, and dealing with online abuse. This week how to repress any feelings of guilt you might suffer whilst anonymously insulting complete strangers, and how to counteract any niggling doubts that you might not be 110% correct about your crackpot views of the world in the face of overwhelming evidence that you are in fact completely diluted.

Also, there have been three audio emojis. Now, some very exciting emoji news has just broken today. I don't know if you've seen this, Harry, and Chris sitting there in the sound booth. But the Unicode emoji subcommittee have announced that, as soon as June of next year, new emojis will be launched representing previously unimaginable persons, including the bald, the curly head, the ginger, and the aging. At last, people like me, me, me, and me

are being represented by the emoji industry. This is a huge breakthrough for humanity. And to mark this historic step forward in the art of human representation, we at the Beagle. This is a huge breakthrough for humanity. And to mark this historic step forward in the art of human representation, we at the Beagle proudly offer you a selection of free audio emojis. Just download these audio files and play them into your conversation

at the end of sentences on a loud set of portable speakers. When the ancient tradition of communicating with words is simply insufficient and you need to get a bit audio-hieroglyphific with your conversation partners. Here are your free audio emojis. Quick interpretation, that one that is for f*** sake mate. That's equivalent to one or more of angry, constipated and dying of an incurable fever. And finally, which means roughly, I will hound you from now until you're dying day. Those audio emojis are going straight in the bin. They are kind of sounded constipated. That's the art of the emoji. I'm so pleased there

wasn't a sex one then. Oh yeah. I was on holiday in France and we went to see some ancient cave art And we went to see some ancient cave art dating back 20,000 years. And it's amazing, we've basically just returned to that level of depiction of the human form. In fact, probably slightly less sophisticated than that. That was a very heartbreaking thing you said. You just described the evolution. It's happening everywhere you look. Even the times at the World Athletics Championship seems to be getting slower. I just how we talk about anything.

Like, do you like it or do you not like it? I like it. That's it. Okay, then it's like, oh, that's a lot of words. Heart or no heart? It's hard. How do you want to pick your mate? Do you like this face or you want the next face?

Do you want to swipe to the next face? It's getting back to human basics. We've wasted the last 20,000 years. We started getting a completion as a species when the mammoths died out. We need to get our ready for. Top story, world on the brink of nuclear war. On a positive note, this might solve the climate change crisis.

Yay! Every mushroom cloud. That's still the loining. So this is, so there might be a war that looks like between North Korea and the US. I'm jumping the gun a little bit, but it feels like that's where this might be going. My interpretation of what's happening right now with Trump challenging North Korea is basically the last president of the United States was black, right? So now we all have to die. And I think that's the policy decision that has been made at this point. Okay. I haven't spotted that logic before, but that has been made at this point. Okay. I haven't spotted that logic before, but that doesn't make sense now that you mention it.

I mean, I was, looks, and I've been away for a few weeks, and I miss the escalation of this crisis, which seemed to happen largely while Donald Trump was playing golf. I guess you have to ask, how likely is war? And I guess the answer is, well, how long is a piece of string? And the answer to that is, that depends whether that piece of string has got two fucking lunatics pulling as hard as possible at either end, shouting, rap your tape measures around this,

you're fucking losers. Correct. That's correct. If I had to put money on it though, I would guess that there probably will not be a massive global armor-gadden level apocalypse grade conflict arising from this because For every one person who wants it to kick off and make things go boom there are approximately 3.75 billion who are probably not not as keen

basically, oh, this seems to boil down not so much to a classic build up of geopolitical tension that many wars originate from. This is basically just a dick swinging contest. And that's fine to an extent, but the problem is when dicks get swung, there is always a danger that porcelain ornaments will be knocked off relatively low mantle pieces. That is the concern for me as a member of the human race, particularly when one of those doing a swinging is Kim Jong-un, a one man's own who rules North Korea with a rod of stupid, stupid iron. Surely even he can't be that kid on unleashing a full might of everyone else's military on his shitty little country.

I mean, what will that do to the living standards of ordinary North Koreans? I mean, they'll probably go very slightly up, which is not what he wants. I think that when you're a maniac, after you lose any kind of contest or when you want to show the other person off, you burn the village after don't you So he they would they are planning to burn down the global village that'll show him Also quick quick commentary on your commentary Did you just said if you were to put money on this? Yeah, it seems like a safe bet because if you are wrong You do not need

to, uh, to pay up. I guess so. That is the ultimate no lose bet, isn't it? Um, yeah, that's, that's a very safe bet. And also with regards to your dick swinging, the one thing you left out is it's possible that one of those parties is able to fit a nuclear warhead on the tip of their knees. Which would change the dynamic considerably. I mean, I do have slightly... I mean, I don't... Fundamentally, clearly, it's in no one's interests for this to kick off. It doesn't make... I mean, I was looking at the strategy of it, because North Korea proudly announced that they're going to attack Guam, basically. Guam, as I'm sure you listen to us know, is a small island in the Pacific.

And in terms of the strategy of it, obviously it makes perfect sense to attack a heavily defended and highly militarised Pacific island. Because that is the absolutely ideal beachhead, hurry for North Korea's planned land invasion of mainland USA, being as it is just 6,000 short miles from the coast of California. I mean, perhaps this, I mean it seems too obvious. Maybe this is a distraction, and as we speak, the North Korean navy is under cover of broad daylight, about to storm the Pacific States, starting obviously with you in Seattle. So as our Seattle correspondent,

currently on the front line, could you just check out of your window and see whether the North Korean landing forces have already taken over the city and are sitting down for coffees or listening to grunge? Okay, sure. No, not yet. Okay, that's huge. That is a huge relief. I was reading about Guam, that it apparently has the largest munitions stockpile in the world stored in igloos, deep

in the jungle, surrounded by tree snakes and wild boar. That was according to one thing on the internet, so it's basically, basically true. But I mean, that's, I mean, confidence, isn't it, to keep igloos in a jungle? I assume they don't mean actual ice igloos, but if it is, I mean, that shows the, the amazingness of America as a nation, that it keeps munitions stockpiles in an igloo,

near the equator. That is, that is sensational levels of national confidence. I feel so bad for Guam. Guam just gets passed down from one like colonizing power to the next. It's now a US territory. It's it's it just keeps getting so it like it has nothing to do with this. It didn't ask for military bases. didn't get asked to make get mixed up in the u.s.s issues now all of a sudden it might get blown up after all it's been that gwam is basically the job of unincorporated u.s. territories

can i give you a gwam power for a secret is coming out of school gwam for a gwam hundred sixty or thousands you a Guam Powerful. Oh, okay. Chris is coming at us with some Guam Fact. So Guam, 160,000, they took on India at Rugby Union, India of 1.2 billion people and they drew. That is a good result in terms of my job. At all. Take that India. Let's have some more Guam facts since you brought that in. We'll have a quick Guam Fact Box. Guam is about 30 miles long and around 8 miles wide. And from certain angles, it looks like a potato in a sock or a limeless, tailless dog or a fish finger that's been trodden on by a small child or a scale model of the South dog, or a fish finger that's been trodden on by a small child,

or a scale model of the South Island of New Zealand that went a bit wonky at the bottom. Some scientists claim that if Guam was much, much bigger than it is and in a different part of the world, it would be Spain. Guam is entirely surrounded by the celebrity ocean, the Pacific. If you wanted to empty the Pacific Ocean to find some keys you dropped overboard during a dingy race from Japan to Peru, you would need the world's largest bucket, with a volume of approximately 2 thirds of a billion cubic kilometres. Or that's the same volume as a scale model of the Queen, blown up a trillion times. Guam has never won the football World Cup, the Olympic 4x100 meter freestyle swimming, or

landlocked country of the year award. There you go, there you go, Guam. Your Guam facts. I see this playing out a few different ways. Okay. One, we could have full-out war. All right. That doesn't sound too good.

That doesn't sound too good, okay? Yep. Second way is that there is some... This is something that the US has done in other situations small aerial attacks on key sites with with weapons and things to weaken North Korea now here's the problem with that knowing Kim Jong-un the way I know Kim Jong-un he will probably see that as an act of war and that will then lead to a full-on war. Right, okay. The third tact is potentially we could ignore him.

Right. The problem is Trump does not ignore things. He's petty, so that's not gonna work. And then we could talk it out, but then we see what happens when Trump talks it out. Again, that will lead to full on war So there's only one method Right, I think has been proven that potentially could solve this Okay, and that's an arm wrestling contest to control each other's countries Like we saw in the Sylvester Stallone movie from the 1980s over the top Where's where Sylvester Stallone?

Arm wrestled for the custody of his child. Right. It was not a box office success, nor something that courts have advocated for since that film. But it worked. It was a solution to a ridiculous situation that did not seem plausible. And that's exactly where we are right now, Andy. I mean, I think there are some other solutions. Firstly, one solution would be a job swap. Just let Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un do each other's jobs for a bit.

I mean, would anyone actually notice the difference? LAUGHTER That is questionable. Would it help? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha we could do is hold members of the 1990s Chicago Bulls team hostage. Now, as we know, Kim Jong-un, huge fan of basketball, especially those 90s Bull teams, in particular, Dennis Rodman. You hold Rodman hostage and you up the ante every day, he does not end his nuclear program. Oh no, it appears, it appearsottie pippin is also being held hostage and of course you wait for michael that's a real test of faith right there then you use reverse psychology

in case the bryar gonna be in war i bet the north korean government would never tell us what day they would attack man dumb north k Korean government types, they would never tell us specifically where and when. They're too cowardly to tell us. This is one of the weird things about it. I mean, famously, in war, surprise is an absolutely key element. Some too, the two and a half thousand year old Chinese military tactics celebrity and his blockbusting page turning classic the art of war, he wrote that

the key to victory is the ability to use surprise tactics and those who are skilled in producing surprise tactics will achieve triumph. So it is slightly odd that North Korea has laid its cards so obviously and openly on the table, particularly as when you look at North Korea's hand against the might of the American military and all of its allies, it is not an intimidating hand. It's basically laid down a two of clubs, a four of diamond, a jack of sausages, and the north of turds. Now, this is not going to scare anyone around the card table. Sure, the jack of sausages might fluk a trick if you play it early, but after that you're going to get absolutely blitzed.

Well, America is absolutely ready for this, according to Trump. I mean, he said some pretty jaunty things. He's threatened to unleash fire or fire and fury, or at least fire, fury and a fanatical devotion to the Pope, I forget. He's also said America is locked and loaded in the delicate diplomatic language for which he has become renowned. And despite the current tension,

a huge combined American South Korean military exercise involving tens of thousands of troops is still set to go ahead later this month starting on the 21st. Tickets still available at the special website www.stickthisupyastarlinstallparademystochim.com. Fire in fury. Yep. So classic too. I'm going to guess by I think Stan Lee is writing his speeches

There is no other way a human being an adult human would say something like that I don't understand. I'm trying to figure out like why would he risk nuclear annihilation? Why would you egg on another maniac and it's either because he has a spaceship to Mars ready So the hell with us. He's out of here regardless of what happens. Or the second reason why Trump is doing this, is that funding North Korea's nuclear program is on his tax returns. Yeah.

Ha. We don't know, but that could be it. We don't know anything in this day and age. So the bugle has long prided itself as being one of the more pessimistic broadcasts in the world, constantly fearing the worst, despite often evidence of the contrary. So, horror, I think it's time to look at the fact that Armageddon being clearly inevitable. We need to contemplate things that we wish we'd done before the end of the world, which is clearly going to happen before we record again. I mean, anything in particular stand out for you. Sure, a full disclosure. The list I'm about to read

I wrote many years ago. Right. Okay. How many years ago was this? I think when we, well there was one version during the whole Y2K threat. All right, okay. And then there was the whole mine apocalypse, so I updated it. There's been a few. This one time I had a mole I thought was a tumor and that added a couple of things too. But here's, I got, I got eight things. First, I wish I got to try Kona Coffee from Hawaii. I've always wanted that.

And I'm not just saying that in case, you know, we were to survive that somebody brought me Kona Coffee, you know, somebody might bring me Kona Coffee to my future shows because I mentioned it on this podcast. I'm just saying, I wish I had a chance to go to Hawaii and try some of their fine Kona coffee. Right. What's so special about? I don't know.

I don't know. I'm not gonna try this. That's why you want to try it. Yes, I've heard it's really good. Right. It's good to have an achievable golden life. Next thing is I wish I learned to drive I grew up in New York City, I found ways to avoid driving

and I just assumed that eventually those Google cars would show up and they'd be automatic and everybody else would have been the sucker. Right. I just waited it out until the cars drove themselves. So I'm again just coming a little bit early for you. Yeah. I mean, I've been to New York City and I sincerely wish everyone in New York City

I'd learn to drive particularly the people who do actually drive cars there. I wish that I had a child Right, and I wish that child was endowed with all my powers That was something that I've always wanted. What power specifically? What particular condo-bowl you win power? What's the adjective from condo-bowl, by the way? Condo-bowl, I? Iraq.

I've not found a burlesque. I think my ability to talk on stage for long periods of time, my ability to zone other humans out when they talk, but know when it's time for me to talk. I can write essays. Right. That's a good one. I mean, things like that.

And then after, I would create some kind of space capsule, so I could launch my child into space before the planet blows up and send it to another planet with a similar environment, but weaker beings than us, where he would have all these superpowers that surpass those of the common man. Right. So, that's, I mean, you need to, you know, find that planet that a race of condobolus could take it over. Correct.

Right. Also, I just described the plot to Superman. I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's what I think that's I wanted to grow a beard one last time, which I'd planned to do until Trump got elected, and then it just felt like too much of a risk. I didn't want to, you know, temper, flaring, I just, yeah. Because you've had some quite impressive beige in your time, haven't you? Oh, I've had a number of great beards and mustaches, and also, I mean, honestly, most of the recent facial hair things I've done I've done a broad and then I shave before I re-enter the...

Right, it's generally. I quite like to have grown a bit before I'm a getting but I would need to I'm a getting to be at least 25,000 years away. I'm like a general right of facial hair growing. Being the alpha. Well I mean I think that connects to my next thing which is I wanted to I wanted to see the Metswinner World Series. But again, that would have required maybe more time than the end of time.

That's slightly more realistic than the whole Superman counterpart loop plot. Yes. And finally, the thing I wanted to do before Armageddon was become the White House press secretary. And it eventually would have been my turn. Right. And we'll never get there.

That's a real shame. I mean, I have a few things that I wanted to do. I want to learn to play the spoons. Just for that, I love it. I would like to have become a warlock. That now seems unlikely. And I would like to have become a warlock, but that now seems unlikely. And I would like to have done my forthcoming Edinburgh show, Saturus for High, as well as the US tour shows I'm hopefully be doing in October.

And the second instalment of my certifiable history show at Soho Theatre, that's over Christmas and New York, I wish I'd got to do them before the Armageddon, but you can still put your tickets until Armageddon happens online, I think they're probably mostly available, particularly Edinburgh, do come to Edinburgh and send your emails in to satirizethis at satirizeforhard.com because I could really do with some emails, particularly as it turns out my website was leading to a dead link in which you could not actually send an emails in, so please do send emails in. Thank you. So please do send emails in. Thank you.

Now you mentioned your failed ambition of becoming White House Press Secretary, which seemed just a matter of time. I'm basically missed pretty much the entirety of Mr Scaramucci's glorious reign as the mouthpiece of Mr Trump. Could you just look, as the mouthpiece of Mr. Trump. Could you just like bring me and anyone else who missed it up to speed with exactly what the fuck happened? Well sure, this is basically what happened. So Trump fired Sean Spicer, which was a shame because he was very easy to mock. And then hired someone with no political experience,

what's over named Anthony Sgaramucci, he has a finance background. He was hired and during that 10-day period, he missed the birth of his child at which point his wife filed for divorce. But, you know, I would assume he was like, well, who cares? On the White House press secretary,

screw her and my child. But then a New Yorker article came out written by Ryan Liza. Apparently, Scarmucci claims that he had called Ryan Liza and confided a bunch of things because he assumed that a reporter from the New Yorker was apparently a friend who can keep secrets. So in that interview, he said that Steve Bannon likes to suck his own dick. And basically insulted most members of the cabinet, at which point the article

came out, which by the way, he refers to himself as the mooch. Third person refers to himself as the mooch. Something that everyone had been calling him jokingly, we find out that no, he actually goes by the mooch. Right. He said something to the fact that they were all worried because the mooch was going to come in. Oh no. This is a real human who refers to himself as the mooch.

At which point after that article came out, which I guess he didn't understand that the New Yorker actually a pretty big publication. You know, people do read it, not just read the cartoons, and as a result, he was fired. He now has no job, and his wife left him. He has not seen his child. But luckily he is white and he'll be fine. Now, I have a theory on this that clearly Anthony Scaramucci is fictitious. There is an increasing prevalence of obviously fictitious characters in top level politics, business and economics, Elon Musk, clearly leading away obviously fictitious and obviously

made up entrepreneur. This whole story with Scaramucci is just total bullshit. The man does not exist. There is no proof that he has ever existed. That is my theory. You know, honestly, I don't think that's that far fetched. It was only 10 days. It might have been a slow news cycle. Yeah, I've got my mixed stuff up. Somebody created characters, brilliant. I've got my suspicions about Michael Gover as well.

I don't know, hopefully they don't. Yeah. You're emails now, this came from Brendan in Australia. Who writes, you recently broadcast a snippet from August 2010 whilst on your annual leave. During which amongst other claims, you stated, quote, the world isn't going to satirize itself, is it? Now that it is 2017, would you care to revise this assertion?

Well, I mean, it does appear that we are now in some kind of perpetual self-saturizing death spiral of humanity. Well, I don't know, I don't know if I ever gonna fly out the other end or not. What do you reckon are? I mean, is there any end to the self-saturizing world that we appear to have voted ourselves into. Well, again, we built on what the end is. Right. It's gonna be, uh, you know, vaporization. Okay. I bet it's clearly gonna be the end.

I mean, I don't know what else the end could be. I mean, what is more absurd than that? Right. After all this, it ends like a comic book. I guess that'll be a good way to go, wouldn't it? If you've got a plan, you're exit these days. I just really hope if it happens way to go wouldn't it? If you got a plan you exit these days. I just really hope if it happens it's all of us at once. The last thing I want is like some people make it, some people don't, it's all messy of a deal with guilt and all that. All of us are

once, you know, we should go out together. That's admirably egalitarian of view. So it's almost at the point of communism. This came from UB Butt who was... Welcome back UB's emailed the show before. Who writes, is UB Butt here again? Bracket's still my real name. I saw this adorable pink blobbeast chilling unspeakable bathroom products and immediately thought of you Andy. Its name is Can Chan, and it's the mascot representative for a Japanese company that makes ennemers. And you sent us a link to that,

which we will, of course we'll put up on the Facebook page. Can Chan is supposed to be a penguin rights at UB. Can Chan is most assuredly not a penguin. I don't know if that makes that make it better or worse that the animal flogging penguin. A pink penguin animal. The name of my third album. There's been some sensational mascot action here in London. We've had the World Athletics Championships more of which shortly. And the mascot here

over hedgehog about whom we talked on the show a few weeks ago has, I mean he has been on a spectacular form in the stadium, absolutely classic Max mascot slapstick diving around really, putting in the hard mascot yards. My big concern is though, these championships are nearly over and history shows that the future for mascots post championship is a pretty bleak one and you just worry about the emotional come down what's what is going to become of here

of the hedgehog he's only a hero for these ten brief days so please he's going to need everyone's support and love to do what you can for the world's weirdest hate. I'm a bright pink hedgehog that 1990s mullet. He took one in the Bullocks I saw a couple of days ago. It's the worst place if you're a hedgehog. I wonder how old UB Bud is. You think UB Bud is 40? You think UB 40? Very good. UB 40? Oh no,, you think you be 40. Oh, very good.

You be 40. Oh no, that's not good. No, anymore. I kind of think there's not get cut. Not get cut from the show. Do get your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebugelpodcast.com and don't forget to also submit your satirical request for my Ed and Michelle to sat to satirize this at satrisforhire.com please because at the moment I'm getting about 50 pieces of horrific spam email a day and

it'd be quite nice to have some human emails in amongst them. Andy, would you think of the night foundation? I think the night foundation is awesome Chris and all the support they've given to us in the rest of the radio to have your network. to us in the rest of the radio to have your network. Sport now, and as I said, here in London 2017, we've been reliving London 2012 with the World Athletics Championships in the Olympic Stadium, as it was called then, and is still called by everyone who doesn't call it by its official name, which I can't entirely remember. It's been a festival of sporting endeavour, wildly enthusiastic crowds and the wrong people winning. Wrong, as in not British, we've only had one British winner, Mo Farah, so far in the 10,000 metres. Wrong because I haven't been

a good story in the 200 metres last night was won by Guglia from an Azerbaijanian now representing Turkey, 27-year-olds man from Azerbaijan with no particular story to tell, rather than Wade Van Nekert, the new star of athletics performing a historic 200-400 double or Isaac McQuiler off his sickbed winning or anything like that, wrong people winning and above all the wrongest of the wrong winners, Justin Gatlin beating Usain Bolt in his final solo race, Bolt coming in third in a time that about five years ago he could have done, frankly crawling on his ass, relatively speaking. And Gatlin has been booed roundly by the London crowd. He failed, he served two bands for drug use, dating back to the early days of his career.

And if there's one thing we in Britain can do, it is hold a sporting grudge. And we've not only held a sporting grudge, but we've held it after basically forgetting about it when we didn't bloom in 2012. And it's almost like we doubled up having forgotten to boo him in 2012. We've booed him a lot this time and he won the hundred meters To and I was there when it happened and there was a kind of oh

Guillard feeling for about three seconds and everyone started chanting bolts name as this had much Coverage in the states because the states have done done very well in these championships But track and field has seems to have slipped down the sporting ladder there What I think something of a track and field being about who runs the fastest for various distances, who jumps over things. I mean, some of us would find that kind of simple and perhaps even bass. Right. I mean, that's what I like about it.

Absolutely. I love the simplicity of it. Run as fast as you can or throw these unnecessary objects. The shot put, you can imagine being good at like, oh I could hit that bar at least once, or I'm sure I could catch that or shoot that into a thing. Running is very much like, I can't do that. I can absolutely not do that. We now give you a quick bugle rundown of implausible excuses for failing drug tests. The Tyra-Mainian wrestling star, that had gone really astute, tested positive for the

band steroids a macked in like an animal, and now his muskandal, drugs which of course can lead to an increase in both sexual urges and homesickness. Really astute, he claimed that he'd fallen overboard during a pedlo boat ride on a local lake and swallowed a mouthful of contaminated tadpoles. Tadpoles of course long suspected of illegal drug use, the way their bodies so obviously changed that it has to be suspicious. In horse racing, Elgar Luch, who of course rode three consecutive winners of the King Rollo and Queen Latifah Memorial Stakes at the Wessexshire horse-adroming of the late 1990s, he'd

tested positive for the agricultural growth hormone vegetable-blastodolodone after starring in a pantomime production of Jack in the Beanstalk, ironically, as the very small back half of a pantomime horse. And eating one of the magic beans on set, unaware that it was, in fact, a pantomime verite production. And that Beanstalk really was growing that fast. The now 12-foot-7-inch jockey was given a suspended 12 month ban

by the International Quadruped Racing Association and special dispensation to ride elephants instead of horses until he'd shrunk back to his normal size. The Turkish shot put a Wappel Maz Popeye, Buzzalem Azoglu, claimed his in competition spinach cans had been spiked with a steroid. I can't even read my own bullshit words. bullshit, what's that? Now, remember what I said before this show started, Harry?

Oh yeah, in my head, I was remembering the tape in while he was starting. Wow. He claimed his in-competition spinach cans had been spiked with a steroid I don't want to die alone, the side effects of which include a full of growing old and solitude. And Canadian sprinter, duck schnutz, tested positive of being a spider. His tests came

back an unusual 50% arachnid, which he put down to swallowing a cobweb after having a snack was cleaning out an abandoned kitchen cupboard in his late great-uncle Hanks house. Hanks himself famously no stranger to sporting controversy after being de-cued from the 1950 to Olympic 100-meter freestyle swimming after using a homemade jet ski before storming the podium shouting freestyle means f***ing freestyle. Top sporting family, the snoutes, Auntie Mildred herself, of course, banned from competitive scrabble after being found to have a 12-volume dictionary hidden in her brazier. And famously, American javelin star, but shirt, laundry, after failing a test for testosterone,

claimed he'd recently returned from being kidnapped by tried-time traveling aliens, taken back in time to the year 2500 BC, and being forced to eat a plate of Stegosaurus testicles as part of a religious ritual. A creationist judge rejected the world anti-doping agency's contention that Stegosaurus has died out by 2500 BC, but Clawndry was still banned after further test reveal that his blood was that of a rhinoceros, something he claimed was the result of spending time on a crowded arc, amazing what people will do for glory.

Well that concludes this week's Bugle. Harry, it's been a delight to have you on the Bugle once again probably for the last time if the world's blood itself up. Well, I appreciate that, Andy. I'm glad to be on the last ever Bugle. It's a bit of pleasure having me. And do let us know from Seattle if you get any early warnings. Just to...

Oh, yes, for sure. Tell my family I love them. Yeah, just in case the world doesn't end hurry than he places people could see you well I mean even if the world does ends you know they could you know still maybe in the post-apocalyptic wasteland that emerges there after I imagine your sticky atoring schedule now I'll still be doing stand-up until people realize that I would be a good food source. I'm in San Diego, California, at the American Comedy Company, August 18th through the 20th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, at the Helium Comedy Club, August 24th through 26th, Baltimore, Maryland, at Creative Alliance, and August 27th, Portland, Maine, at ORAura on August 30th and at in Burlington, Vermont, August 31 through September 2nd at the Vermont Comedy Club.

There are gigs in Boston, Oakland and Portland, Oregon also later in the year. Just go to my website, hurricunderballu.com or Google or wherever it is and you'll see me. I will be touring the country all fall. Great and don't forget to come and bring all your friends and submit your email requests for my Ed and Micheal, satirizes at satirify.com details once again on the internet. Until next time, Bueblers, goodbye! you