The Bugle - Bugle 4039 – Apologies to South America

Episode Date: August 18, 2017

Andy is joined by Alice Fraser and Producer Chris at the New Town Theatre in Edinburgh for the most northern Bugle of all time. In a massive news week there is Trump news, North Korea, Venezuela, Brexit and Australian New Zealander news. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Please now welcome Andy Zoltmann. APPLAUSE Thank you. Hello, Bugleers. Hello, Scotland. CHEERING Yes, for the first time, this is the most northernmost live bugle in the history of the universe. In fact, the first live bugle ever to take place

North of where Roman Emperor Hadrian took one look at you locals Thought about it for two seconds and said wall big Wall Great. So there we go. So this is the first, also the first ever. Chris, I think we can just fade the music down a little bit there. We have... I couldn't find the volume control, Andy. I was just playing and playing. That's what we've put in the big box for. Hello, Budalus. Hello, this is Chris, the producer he has at the back. Yeah, help me. Keep you, Gleens. A dance as old as time itself. This is the first time I've done a live bugle at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

There's about 300 people in the room today if you could all announce your names individually. That would help fill the hour. 300 people, that's approximately 300 times more people than paid to see my first ever Edinburgh show. On day one of my debut show Andy Zoltzman versus the dog of Doom in 2001, there were in fact more people in the cast than in the paying audience, me and a chap called John Oliver, off stage, I don't know what I'm Day 1 on my show, 300 people here, which means that when I come back in 16 years time for Andy Zoltzmann's Bob Sled Mayhem, they will have to build an extra tear on the Murrayfield rugby stadium because that 68,000 capacity is not going to cut the salts mustard.

Also, this is historically the first live bugle ever to contain absolutely no lies. I didn't last long. And also the first live bugle ever to feature the word acrobat. Plus, the first bugle in the history of humankind to feature a tank full of performing sharks and seals doing an interpretative dance on the cruelty of the natural world that also functions as a satire on the predatory exploitation of capitalism. Hang on, I'm just hearing that after the Dresher rehearsal this afternoon of that section, it will in fact be just the sharks.

Just a tank of slightly portly sharks. I'm now hearing that the tank had a leak. There are no sharks. Shame it was a good tank. World War I, Schneider's C.I.1. Classic, classic tank. Above all, this is the first live bugle ever to take place during the immediate aftermath of a retaliatory American nuclear strike on, sorry, that's the script for next week, show, mind me, sorry. This is the fifth live bugle, the fifth visual version of a show that was existing perfectly

well as something invisible and non-visibility dependent and is currently being performed in at least three more dimensions than is strictly necessary, by which I mean thank you for coming. Also doubling up as issue 4,039 of the bugle 4,039 coincidentally, the estimated number of times during President Trump's news conference on Tuesday, that White House chief of staff John Kelly was seen to mouth the words, oh, for fuck's sake. We are here in the new town here to make this the first

pupil in more than 10 years to take place in a room with an enormous pi-porgan. Can you see the pi-porgan? It's slightly hidden behind the curtains. As sensationally, I'm the first, there was one before. The Never Broadcast pilot show that John and I recorded in St. Peter's in the Vatican. I was never seen a Pope that cross. Anyway, the origin of the Pyporgan, of course, goes way back to a Carthaginian military was Hannibal when he was elephanting the shit out of the Alps on his way to Rome.

He noticed that different sized elephants sneezed at different pitches if you tickle them on the trunk, like lying them all up and manage to play out a tune. So anyway, so it's great because I'm qualified pi-porganists, so hang on, I'm just going to give it a go. I'm just going to play the pi-porgan in a few short seconds, Chris. I'm just going to play the pi-porganist right back here. Now, I'm about to play the pi-porgan, Chris. I'm now sitting at the pi... Oh, there, I'm playing the pi-porgan. Right, I think that's jokes, as gone as far as it can possibly go.

A lovely little visual joke for the listeners at home. LAUGHTER Right. Well, I enjoyed that. Good, so... And on this day, in any guesses people, the year 963, of course, correct. Nico Forrest's focus was crowned Emperor of the Byzantine Empire.

There we go! That's right. Nika for us, of course, was renowned for his super high quality efforts on the battlefield. Popping up with some cracking military victories, including capturing the Syrian city of Aleppo, during which he stalled to hunt 2000 camels. You're a weird crowd. Crowd. Crowd. He concentrated on military success at the expense of his people's well-being. He started a war with Bulgaria. This is how it all starts, people. This is how it all starts, people. This is how it starts. That easy.

He loved his wife so much that when he died he swore a vow of chastity for the rest of his life. But then he remarried and still kept that vow of chastity. His second wife, unsurprisingly, got quite pissed off with him and had him assassinated Before his head was paraded on a spike It's so easy to manipulate a crowd anyway A contemporary description of Nicky for us by a chap called Bishop Lubrand Described him as a monstrosity of a man a pig fat-headed and like a mole with the smallness of his eyes, with a disgusting short, broad, thick and half-hory beard,

disgraced by a neck only an inch long, with bristly hair, an extensive belly, and very long of hip, considering his short stature. Also, clad in a garment costly, but too old and foul smelling, and faded through age. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm f***ing sick of male politicians being judged on their appearance and what they were. Sickens me.

Can we not judge Niko for us for us on his brutal military tactics and his despotic rule the disgusting bristly head short neck fat short pig-eyed untrendy bastard. Sorry I'm a product of my times. As always, some sections of this audio newspaper are going straight. Oh, Lord. Touch me, I'm real. This week, in the bin, a holiday is in sunny North Korea section. Someone emailed my satirist for higher show, which I'm doing the afternoon, during the festival,

saying he'd been on holiday in North Korea, although he did have the decency to put the word holiday in inverted commas, which is basically saying I'm involved in high-level state espionage. Basically, like someone going on holiday to Moscow in the 1970s with a suspicious collection of new pens and 14 passports. Which is what happened to my great-uncle, Sub-Tofugio. Used to work for MI6.

They went through a phase of giving their spies Brazilian footballer-style nicknames, trying to bring a bit of glamour and flair to the espionage business back in the 70s. He worked with espionagino, moletaio, Moletta, Knock Howe, Sher Lockerson, Under Cavaire and Dick. Great days. A lot of flair, a lot of flair. I don't know, I didn't always get the results,

but they're great to watch. Also in the bin, a special pull-out supplement with all the news from the world, preemptiveness championships, which are taking place next week, terrific performance from America's Kenatina Twerple of the Boston Anticipators.

She just taken gold this afternoon. Also, on the 10th anniversary of the Credit Crunch beginning, we interview a leading global banker on what the banking sector and capitalism in general have learned from their mistakes. Here's a sneak expert of that interview. There you go, that says it all really. So, right now it's time to introduce, oh yes, now you've already been partially introduced to the disembodied voice of Chris, the producer of the man who on a weekly basis transcribes

what I say, goes home and does an impression of me reading it out into his special tape recorder, then splices it in with whatever my co-hosts have said. But you know, my initial contract with the times so that they weren't allowed to use my actual voice. You've got to have all these haggles. I mean, John was, he's similarly, he wanted a unicorn and a mermaid in his recording studio in New York City and man, was he crossed when they tried to compromise by giving him a narwhal on the centre. Anyway, but where did the sentence begin? Anyway, it's a, in the back of the room, the sunny

list of enough sound levels. So next time you Anyway, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it And who triathlont is way here? I actually got the train Andy. No, did he? I arrived at Edinburgh Waverly in short stature. Right, that was naive, wasn't it? Yeah, as anyone got a jumper. And joining me this week, a woman who was firmly established herself in the vanguard of lapsed Jewish Catholic Buddhist Bugle co-hosts, right at the very top in fact. A woman whose name suggests she could easily be Scottish,

but isn't, who could easily be Australian and is, fresh from not being embroiled in the controversy over Justin Gatlin's win in the world, 100 meters final in London, because he was already up here at the fringe, doing her show, Empire at the Gilded Balloon. I have to shorten these introduction. It's Alice Fraser! Hello!

Hello Andy! The name Fraser is a lie, which is why I wear the clan badge. My grandfather was a Jewish checker's lucky man called Adolf Friedenberg. He came out during the war and started making ball bearings for the RAF at which point they were like a bit awkward signing the invoices. So he just changed it to the most Anglo name he could think of which was Andrew Peter Fraser. So that's the story. Top story this week. We are still here. We are still here. You seem to agree that with the same level of enthusiasm as the military

excesses of Nicarf or S-Focus. There has been no global conflagration, no thermonuclear first-ill of boom death, no destruction of R-species planet and everything we hold there, information correct, at the time of recording. Good news for me because there's a test match starting. Tomorrow, Alex, you pleased that the world did not end over the last seven days? Well, I've been at the Edinburgh Fringe, so usually about an hour before my show I'm wishing it would all explode. So, Guam is still calm.

Kim Jong-un is not about to storm Santa Monica beach in LA out of a decommission 1960s Soviet inflatable dinghy, which is I think the extent of the North Korean Navy base if the world gets beaten by Kim Jong Un We need to take a long-fucking hard bath with ourselves as a species and Part of the reason for Armageddon avoidance this week is because Donald Trump God rest his soul, um, if it ever existed. Um, it's looking unlikely. There's been rather preoccupied this week. He spent the week firing not physical rockets at Pyongyang,

but metaphorical rockets at the smoldering wreckage of his own presidency while strafing the concept of presidential dignity with his trademark rotary cannon of f***ing dishes. LAUGHTER And blasting the last traces of hope from the soul of sensible America with his thermobaric penis bone of Cantankara's quackery. I have no idea if that even makes sense.

I'm gonna poke it for sale. LAUGHTER Alex, have you enjoyed Trump's action this week? Yes, I have. He inflamed tension after this rally with the White National Assembly. But you know, by saying both sides were to blame for the violence. His statements were condemned by some Republican leaders and praised by white supremacists. Before he was sulquely forced by public pressure to admit that Nazis are probably not good. And then he plugged his golf course. Former Cliklitz clan leader David Duke applauded Trump for his honesty and courage and Richard Spencer, the head of a white nationalist group and famous punch in the face on live TV,

receiver wrote on Twitter that he was proud of Trump, which was like getting your cheeks pinched by an elderly relative whose hands are covered in human feces and is also a violent racist. How much empirical research did you do for that line, Alice? Too much, too much. Look, I mean, on the one hand, it is... It is... It is... Yeah.

You do conjure up some really horrific images. It's understandable from Trump's point of view. We're living a very sensitive world, and he didn't want to be accused of perpetrator blaming. The PC brigade would be all over him if he starts blaming, hinting that the people responsible for something terrible happening to other people are in any way responsible for what they themselves actively did. You know how the media reacts these days.

But eventually, he did, as I said, tell the far right-sized tickles. They had been a bit naughty, but it was not the most convincing of criticisms. It was about as convincing as an eight-year-old boy, forced to say sorry for stealing his sister's last fish finger, and I have researched this. And saying, I'm really sorry whilst eating the fish finger. And obviously reading off an auto cue. We do keep an auto cue in the kitchen just for such moments. When the words looked okay on paper, but he didn't exactly give it the full Marlon Brando

getting character and say, like, he didn't last. And he was basically back yesterday to blaming both sides and to be fair to him that makes him 50% right. Way more right than he usually. Yeah, usually. I mean, I enjoyed the fact that the white supremacists were carrying teaky torches like a dorky advertisement for a garden furniture warehouse.

They were just shouting Nazi slogans at protesters and synagogues and presumably passing birds that looked foreign. And Richard Trumpka, who's the president of the AFL-CIO Labor Federation, he resigned from Trump's American Manufacturing Council, which I mean is great, but also, like, why now? Like, that's like joining a gardening group, going to the flori art, and then after three and a half hours of looking at delicately-ately arranged rose dioramas suddenly storming out because you realise you don't like mulch.

The British prison minister Sam Jima said after this that Trump was losing his moral authority, which was rather like accusing Steve Bannon of losing his sense of fun and his insatiable jua de vivre. Like accusing Lonesome George, the late former Galapagos tortoise of losing his world pole vault record. The only thing Bannon's ever lost is his foundation. Or a giant Helen of Troy, the mythical ancient Greek war provoking stunner of losing her Mac book air because In the words of muddy waters the fount of all blues truth you can't lose what you never had Now this is clearly not true when it comes to the global banking sector in which

Not only lose what you never had but also lose And you can not only lose what you never had, but also lose what everyone else did have at the same time. But it's not true when it comes to Donald Trump's moral authority. Not everyone's been disappointed with him though. Some people are quite happy with it. In particular, he's been cheered every step of the way by the ghosts of his White House predecessors, James Buchanan, Andrew Jackson and Warren G. Harding. As they excitedly celebrate finally being bumped down the worst president's ever list. Do we have any white supremacists in, by the way? Don't put your hands up.

I mean, I don't think I could ever be a white supremacist. I find it hard enough deciding whether I prefer Spanish or Italian ham. So reaching a firm conclusion on which race is superior to all the others, I think, is going to be beyond me. But I do think dogs are better than cats. But test if I. LAUGHTER And also, Trump's reason for not coming out more strongly, more quickly, against the actions

of the White Superman Sisters was because he said he wanted to think about it and find out all the facts before commenting. Maybe it shows he can learn. But I've said that there's a lot of hypocrisy in the world. I see hypocrisy everywhere. Look, for example, for example, the art world, very hypocritical, you put a cow in formaldehyde, it's considered art, you put formaldehyde in a cow, the police become involved. And as you are the official bugle correspondent for a modern communications technology and

b, people sending unwanted pictures of their junk to other people unsolicited. Have you got any stories covering both of those this week? Oh boy, do I? In unexpected penis news, a new trend emerging in New York City has seen men using Apple's AirDrop feature to send pictures of their penises to unsuspecting passengers on the same train. So these horrible people with their horrible penises have been using the airdrop feature and then you like you get a,

ooh, a message and it pops up and it's, it's the digital equivalent of leaping out of a bush and flashing someone. On the other hand, what is art? LAUGHTER Perhaps this is the new wave of the avant-garde nudes throughout history of been provocative statements. Isn't this just the equivalent of a dick picaso?

You? No! No! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! No! No! Oh God.

Oh, oh boy. Stravinsky. You should be pleased to receive a Vincent van cock in your iPhone. No! No! D- D- D- D- Please receive a Vincent van cock in your iPhone During a boring commute, you don't know that this dick pic isn't the Leonardo da Winky They're putting the disgust into Edgar Degar the man into man a the her into Damien Hurst The Paul Kinter Francis Bacon the the hump, the hump into Marcel Duchamp. And in reality,

the unhappy recipients of these artistically edgy man rodents haven't gotten a firm grasp on their privacy settings. Look, there is aggression on both sides. As I believe Donald Trump recently and so correctly said just before he plugged his golf course over the murdered body of a young lady. Well, that ended less cheerfully than ever. It's the Buddha's in me, Andy. Like life. Sorry to get a bit philosophical in these days. I ran into my dad once as a kid and I was like,

Dad, death, and he was like, yes, Alice, life is suffering. And then you die, happy fifth birthday. So. I just show that. It's too easy to make this. I mean, you mentioned all the great dicks of art. I mean, Michelangelo, you've took effort, didn't he? You had to sculpt an authentic-looking William Balls

out of a piece of marble. And now we've lost our edges of species. Wasn't he the one who said that it was waiting to emerge from the rock? Well that's was his excuse wasn't it? I mean a lot of people through history have done what rocks have told them so. Let's move on now to Britain News. Chris, give us a f***ing jingle. Sorry. So, the government is now, are you Brexit fans, by the way? Are you enjoying Brexit, Britain? Give me a cheer if you were in favour of remain. Give me a cheer if you were in favour of leave. Who would have thought it? Who would have thought it? In this live podcast recording at the trendy Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I don't know how many concentric bubbles we can be in at once, but reality is a It's a venn diagram that just looks like a hypnosis coil.

The government is continuing to basically riff out Brexit's improv politics at its worst. Apparently, they're trying to get an interim customs deal. Always goes down where with the public. I mean it's not really giving the Brexit voters what they wanted, which was the instant economic re-nation of this country. The government has a duty to deliver on what people voted for. I mean essentially it's an interim deal, I don't know how much good it's going to do long term. Essentially it's like putting on a jock strap in a box before jumping into a crocodile pit. It might not do much good long term but it will help if the crop goes for a nut

shot with its tail to get things started off. Could you, what's your name? Colin, where are you from? Kansas. Okay, so you've got an objective view on this. Colin, yeah. Colin from Kansas, did you vote in the Brexit election? In the Brexit vote? No, no. Why not, mate? This affects the whole world. Let's get him. No time for this level of a...

Find the f***ing way! I voted in your elections, because I can give a s***! So, what's your solution to Britain's current Brexit problem? I don't have one for Britain, but Scotland could always just go independent and move back in. Scotland, what go into please, Scotland, on behalf of all right-thinking English people, never leave, please, please never leave. Have you looked at how blue England is? On those maps they published the morning after elections, please Please never leave What about you what's a where you from?

I'm his brother. I'm from the same. Oh, you're on my show yesterday. Why don't you all right? Welcome? You sat in the front row there as well. That's that is I guess if you're gonna come all the way from Kansas You want to see me and all my 3d glory I think they you were my show the other night. Yay! We are front row there too. Concentric rings. Because you were on it. Do you work for the CIA or something?

She was on the bugle previously. Yeah. So we saw her here because I love the bug old listeners coming to my shows because half of you guys like me and the other half are like eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww But very polite, very... eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww In other, any comments on Brexit from the Australian perspective? I mean, from my perspective, it's like, it's almost like you're

subjecting yourself to the authority of the EU in exchange for not having any power in the EU. It's like a friends with benefit deal where you get all of the upsides of a relationship without any of the work or actual benefits It's like the Netflix and chill of international relations by which I mean you guys are likely to get You're not allowed to talk about your feelings afterwards In as Yes Yes, as I believe David Cameron himself said on the day before, right? In other politics news, big Ben is going to be silent for four years. The celebrity Westminster clock is being sacked for four years whilst it's being repaired. I don't know how we're going to tell the time. Now it's going to be very difficult in Westminster because they

have a problem with keeping up to schedule. When the House of Lords for example is routinely 150 years behind the time. I hope they replace it with a giant novelty alarm clock. I want them to replace it with an aggressive man called Ben who just walks around going BONG! In Australia and go back to where you came from news, Deputy Prime Minister and all-around loud cockhead Barnaby Joyce has been outed by the New Zealand Prime Minister Bill English for being a secret New Zealand citizen. So Australia has a law requiring elected representatives not to hold dual citizenship, which is a terrible idea in a country that makes a hobby of seeing how quickly it can get rid of its people in charge.

So someone out at a green senate of having a dual citizenship, and since then it has been like a blood bar, because Australia is a country where everyone's a relatively recent immigrant. You have toilets here that are older than the first building in Australia. So we've had five prime ministers in three years, and now it's just a game of dual citizenship dominoes in the Senate. Two Greens had to resign, and then there was like great scorn and mockery by the conservatives, and then people started checking with their moms

and found out that a one nation senator and also Barnaby Joyce, our current deputy prime minister, is potentially in the firing line. He's a man who up until now was most well known for charmingly flushing a toilet during a radio interview and using his maiden speech to call abortion the slavery debate of our time. So they can have it. Sorry, you have to go back on some of this. He flushed a toilet during a radio interview. Allegedly yes. Right. Was this in a radio studio? Does he? interview. Allegedly yes. Right. Was this in a radio studio? Does he... He...

Now is a picture of... Is that a llama, Chris? Yes it is, yes. That's born with your... It's the next Prime Minister we think. Right. He's looking at it like that because he's a New Zealander. So, you're not allowed to be... Is it not allowed to be an MP or a government minister? You're allowed to be a senator, yeah. A senator. You can't be a Jewel citizenship because they worry that you might be a sneaky spy for New Zealand.

Without wishing to be too cynical about it and acknowledging that I do come from Britain, is it not a bit late to start worrying about whether white people in Australia are real Australians or not? Is that not shooting the horse after the door has bolted? Quick fact now, an acrobat is an ancient Greek flying rodent that's been nailed to a hill. LAUGHTER Thank you. Thank you. It's fashion news time. Now, Alice, you're also a fashion correspondent. Oh, am I good? Well, it's not going to be me, is it?

Let's be realistic about this. We managed to get through the first 80 years of the bugle with no fashion correspondent. Sorry. Well, in telling women how to have bodies news, New South Wales Australian Medical Association President Dr Brad Frankham has claimed that the use of overweight models in a sports illustrated catwalk show sends an unhealthy message to women. I presume the messages that women are allowed to be fat while walking a short distance in Spandex underpants, as long as they're still unfeasibly good looking.

He likened the use of overweight models to sending women down the runway while smoking cigarettes, claiming the brands are using overweight models for shock value, which is totally true, of course. The last time I saw a fat woman on the beach, I was so shocked I had to have a lie down and then a nice swim and then reapply my sunscreen before some more lying down and then some fish and chips. Modern model Robin Lawley has weighed in on the debate about runway size by saying she knew the models and they were all very healthy and that Dr. Brad was a dickbag. I mean, she didn't say the last bit, but she was thinking it very loudly.

She, Lolli, who's a plus-size model, which is to say about normal size for a human lady, except more marketably proportioned, has said, it's nice to have a range of different bodies on the runway, completely missing the fact that models are meant to look like grumpy teenage coat hangers with a heroin addiction. I think models are very inspirational, they inspire the youth to stare blankly into the middle distance while covered in oil, relaxing their mouths, and looking half like they're about to fall asleep, and half like they want to f*** car. That's basically just, you just summarise the life and career

of Dick Cheney there. Haven't you? I think it's time for audience Q&A, so Chris, if any of you seen Chris before, this is what he looks like, this is the visual version. I met Chris just outside. I was waiting and just writing some stuff and I was writing a pun and he walked past and saw my expression and was like, Alice, because you could see the pun face. He cringed. It was f***ing monstrous. It was the same as his face. It was the very same face. He knows that face. You will soon know that face. Let's have a...

Will the pink ball still swing after 20 overs? Right, okay, that is obviously the big issue we've been skirting around here on this week's... This week's bubble, there's obviously a lot of minor things happening in the world. But the really big story is day nights, test match cricket coming to England for the first time. The test match begins. That's what I'm so delighted that Armageddon hasn't happened. Tomorrow, as we record in Birmingham, first daynights, cricket, great news for cricket fans and vampires.

I guess we've been previously marginalized from watching Test Match cricket. Let's have a quick straw poll. Give me a chair if you are a cricket fan. Congratulations on your correct lifestyle choices. Hands up if you are not a cricket fan. What the f*** are you losers doing with your lives? Right, any other questions? My hair has been receding since I was a kid.

I just wanted to ask anyone who can see me, I don't have a lot of it right now, but I just wanted to know, as you get bolder, does life get better? What are you... What are you implying here? I'm just saying that as saying this is an audio show I know that was my special secret but as a man with a seemingly wonderful life, right? But the correlation would seem that I also have a good life ahead right? Well the thing is you're you don't know about My the current state of my hair line. I did not have a receding hair line, I have a de-receding hair line.

Non-existent hair line. I was... I had male pattern baldness as a baby and it's moving forward and... By the time I'm AC5 it will be, I'll just have a beautiful, full, luxurious face of hair. Andy, you have exactly the right amount of hair, it's just innovatively distributed. That is a really impressive way around that problem. Any other questions? Any other questions? Yes, a couple of up there. So, look at that, that is a born triathlete. He's leapt up the stairs and he will swim back down the full side of the stage. Should Donald Trump decide to

start a nuclear war, will he be able to stop making those stupid hand gestures long enough to actually push the button. Right. When that's, well I assume he's practiced. And I can't imagine that, you know, he went through, because they presumably are as soon as he won that election. You know, he gets all these, you know, pretty briefings, you know, right through the day, you know, what he's going to have to do, as president, all these daily, and admittedly, clearly didn't listen to any of them. But there must have been some kind of physical

pressing the big red button. Pressing the bit, I imagine it's like a giant mushroom shaped thing and he's gonna go for the two handed. Yee-ha! I look at the hair. He basically, most still photos of Donald Trump look like he is playing darts. I don't know.

And I found out that slightly reassuring. I don't know. Although the problem is, when he's playing darts, I imagine that he's playing darts. There we go. There's proof. There is proof. Now, what you have to imagine is a darts in his hand

and on the wall, a map of the world. Then you start to worry. There's a couple down here Chris. Alex Salmond has got a show at the fringe. Should Theresa make, I'm up here and visit? Does anyone beat to Alex Salmond show? It's hard to get you to, you've got to swim upstream. Oh, yes! Not technically a warning, but a proper joke. So, well, no place for that really on the show, Alice. So, right.

It's a first special Venner's Wuelan section, because while Venezuela seems a bit of a mess right now and generally Corbin, the leader of the Labour Party, he's been criticised for not criticizing President Maduro, he still condemns violence committed by any side. There we go, one. But I mean, I don't know what you think of Maduro. Have you got any Nicholas Maduro fans in? Well, I mean, the thing is, Corbin has been reluctant to say that he is a dictator or Christian. But as the old saying goes, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck, especially if it has violently repressed any other birds at the duck

pond from saying it's a duck. And it's wearing the same kind of bushy moustache that's certain other famous proven ducks from history have worn. I mean, there is certain amount of evidence that Maduro is a dictator, for example, he's ruled by decree without the approval of Parliament for the last two and a half years. He's dependent on the military for power and also, but set against that, there's this crucial piece of evidence that Nicholas Maduro is not a dictator. Because an opinion poll showed, an opinion poll in Venezuela showed that 63% of Venezuelans think Maduro is a dictator Which proves that he is either not a dictator or he is a shit dictator Because if that kind of opinion poll is being published he is falling down on the job if you'd been a real dictator

That would have been in the zero percent region at the very highest Also, there's been three reports now from the organization of American states into Maduro's government Also, there's been three reports now from the organization of American states into Maduro's government, Norgenus, according to accusing them of authoritarianism, brutality and repression. And as Oscar Wilde himself said, to have one report accusing you and your government of authoritarianism, brutality and repression might be considered unfortunate. To have two does start to look just a little bit despotty.

And to have three, well, it is surely just a matter of time before someone pulls down a giant statue of you in a symbolic moment of revolution. Now, I should point out also, I'm not saying, when I mentioned the moustache, Zola, and I'm not saying, if you have a bushing moustache, you are necessarily a dictator. What I am saying is that if you have a bushing moustache,

and you've had three independent reports saying you're a dictator. What I am saying is that if you have a bushy moustache and you've had three independent reports saying you're a dictator, it does start to look like you might be a dictator. He's pretty much as a Hugo Chavez, which long-term bugles, we'll probably remember him. And he apparently shut down 34 radio stations when he was president, but Jeremy Corbyn explained he just really hated Ed Sheeran. But anyway... Like all game of Throne's viewers. I know a South American guy who's being defend his way, in fact he's visited every single country on that continent.

But he's not just South American, he's been... He once went on a holiday tour of the historic cities of Italy. He loved it. Pop and the fact that he was terrified of canals and would break down in fits of tears when every saw one. He was a real Venice wailer. He worked in the riot police for a bit, invented a new-air policing, involving, policing rights, including the quick policeman running at protesters with batons, then passing the batons onto the stronger policeman who would whack the protesters,

kind of like a cross between a charge and a relay, a kind of Chile. He came to a fought against a communist in Asia in the 1960s and 1970s. I said, really? Have you? And he said, sure, in Am? I said, I said, I said, now for anyone listening to this at home, Chris is responding to the world, put these, we'll put these up on the Facebook page, the pictures that are getting far bigger last than the jokes are getting. You have more puns than I have pictures. Anyway, he said, yes, sure, now. I said, I don't believe you.

But, perroving. Anyway, he got in trouble eventually. The South American government forces tried to arrest him. He was always afraid of this, so he had a very well defended house. Took them half an hour with a battering ram to get into his house, but eventually they got through into the entrance hall. Few, they said, that is a heck of a door. Oh! Oh!

Anyway, once I got in, the authorities confiscated everything, even his pet talking bird, but he didn't want to let him take it, he clashed it to his chest. There's chests, but the chief of police said, let the parrot go! Why? What the parrot- No, why? He interrupted. Anyway, his- Here is wife. His wife was a very old lady, She kept all her underwear on the shelves

underneath her two windows. She had one shelf for her nickers and the other was her brazil, brazil. But anyway they can confiscate it everything as I said, including one solitary woolly ankle length boot. The chief of police again said I'm going to have to take your ugly way, your ugly way. Anyway she got frantic when that happened. I need a brew to calm me down immediately she said, I need an urgent chin. Anyway, she got frantic when that happened. I need a brew to calm me down. Immediately, she said, I need an urgent tea now. Sorry, I need an urgent tea now. An urgent tea.

But my mate. But he said he wanted a point. He said, I'm a guy and I need a beer. Guy and a guy and a need a beer. And he says, mate Alfonso was with him. He was worried too. He said, I'm a French guy and I need a glass of wine. But uh... So if I may sat down drinking his, uh, drinking his pint, but it was a miserable pint. It was a real glumbia. Glumbia, glumbeer. But of course, ended up getting pissed and arguing

about who owns Ireland's in the South Atlantic. Eventually decided to settle it by throwing a bit of cutlery in the air, and whoever it was pointing at was the winner. He was not happy with it, but he's made said, come on, let's do it. Let's just see where the fork lands. Yes, I'll do it.

Well, I don't know. I think that might be considered controversial in some circles. So, where are rights? That brings us to the end. Oh, thank you for staying, by the way, for the last five minutes. Particularly you, Alice. You could easily have scarped with me. I should have. Now, I've got an endorphin high from the pain now. I'm gonna All right, I think that's that's it as we've there was some other things we were gonna do Oh including what the armageddon may or may not happen

But it might not be in the way that we're expecting because scientists have discovered 91 volcanoes underneath the Antarctic ice sheet So surely I mean it's always the quiet ones, isn't it? That is a continent you least expect. Yeah, it's 91 volcanoes just sitting there like a bad curry that the Earth ate a couple of million years ago. The ice caps are the ice caps, the equivalent of a quivering swinkter

that's temporarily holding back a public transport disaster. LAUGHTER Classic Fraser Bugle. Classic. We will leave you on an Alice Fraser's Fink to reference. You missed my flamingo rage. I will get there some other time. Thank you for coming, Bugle.

There is another live Bugle on the 27th featuring Tom Ballard and Al Murray in this same room. You can see Alice at the Gilder Balloon at... 10pm at the Gilder Balloon. It's not like this. You can see me doing Saturdays for the stand at 3pm. It is quite like this. Only with marginally fewer speak to references. Thank you very much for coming. Thanks to the new town theatre for having us.

Until next time, goodbye, Buglands! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.