The Bugle - Bugle 4040 – Despot Death Match

Episode Date: August 27, 2017

Andy is joined by Al Murray and Tom Ballard to put the top global despots to the test and see what chaos they've spurted into the world recently.With big guns from Chechnya, Nigeria, North Korea and the USA all in the mix, it's the cross-code punch up the public have really craved.Recorded live at New Town Theatre in Edinburgh.See Andy live in London in SeptemberCatch Tom do 10 shows of "Problematic" from August 29th to September 9th at Soho Theatre Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Thank you. Hello, Bueglers. Do you, um, do you respond like that whenever anyone says hello to you? Welcome to the Bugle Live, the three-dimensional version of the zero-dimensional podcast. This week we are live from the International Criminal Court in the Hague. In front of an audience of the world's baddest international criminals. For whom I have some very bad news, crime has been banned. You're all going to have to get real jobs. Some of the above may not have been true. We are in fact sly from the Okavango Delta in Botswana for the world's largest ever gathering of professional pantomimes everers!

Release the lions! the Lions. So I'm going to have to drink my truth potion. We are in fact live at the T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas for 12 rounds for fist fighting between Andy's ultimate and Thor the Norse god of the... I need more. I need more. We are at the new town theatre in Edinburgh, there we go, we're in. So, let me just plug this in. Plug this in. We are in the new town theatre. In Edinburgh, this place has really changed in the last 50,000 years, believe me.

And it's about to change some more, Edinburgh, because you're about to get a new bridge. Oh, some bridge fans in, the Queen's Fairy Crossing opening to traffic. Next week, you can feel the excitement in the Queens Ferry Crossing opening to traffic next week You can feel the excitement in the air here in Edinburgh. I'm Jewish, of course. We don't need bridges We just wait for some just wait for some dude to part the waters for us and scroll across the You scots obviously not quite as chosen by God as my team. So

You need a bridge. Shit, cable stage structure, the new Queen's very crossing with three towers, each 207 meters high. The overall length of the bridge, 1.7 miles, making it the longest triple tower cable stage bridge in the universe. Although the length of its main span at 650 meters only good enough to sneak into the top 20, disappointing. It's overall length, 1,744 meters to be precise. Enough to put it forth in the longest cable-stayed bridges in the world, just off the podium, sadly, but Erick and one of the top three will probably fail a drug test at some point.

My money is on the Rio Antirio Bridge in Greece, currently in silver medal position, but after Kent Eris and Thanow in 2004, I don't trust the Greeks, especially when they're running 200 metres very fast or crossing the sea. So we are recording this on the 27th of August 2017, making this, well, the anniversary of the day in the year 410, in which the Visigoths sacked Rome. It took three days and they finished, I'm just proves Rome has always been a great place for a long weekend, I assume they just ran out of ice cream. 1883 on this day, the eruption of Cracatoa, enormous explosions destroyed the island of Cracatoa and caused years of climate change.

So what is the point in me recycling my tin cans if the homosexuals are going to keep causing volcanoes like they did at Cracatoa? Sorry, I've got to stop reading Christian Luny monthly magazine. It caused global drop in temperatures for several years, Cracket Tower. So we have a moral duty to do global warming, or we're letting the volcano's wind. 1896, the Anglo-Zanzibar War took place on this very day.

The shortest war in global history at 38 minutes. Yes, that was an away win for Britain. Still waiting for Zanzibar to pluck up the balls for the second leg on British soil. Good luck with that, you alphabet-stragbling losers. Maybe a bit rich coming from me, I acknowledge that. And, uh, in 1928, I was assigning on this day the Kellogg-Brayon Pact, which outlawed all war in 1928. That worked well. That worked extremely well as well as the famous Egyptian No Pointy-Morzaliyams accord of 2,700 BC. Um, there's a little pyramid joke for any pyramid fans in. As always, a section of this podcast is going straight.

Tested fast, this is 2017. We are at the Edinburgh Fringe and it's 70 years since the first Edinburgh Festival, the first Edinburgh Fringe. 1947 was anyone there? Apparently, Bertie Stripes who won the Best New oeddwn i'n fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy We look back in the section of the funniest joke of the 1947 fringe. Here is the full shortlist, What's Brown and Sticky, a rotting apple, which is all we've got left at the end of a week of rationing. Bum-ch. What's black and white and red all over? A map of Eastern Europe printed in a newspaper after the Soviet Union's postwar power grab.

Bum-ch. Also nominated, my dog has no nose. Yeah, well, my house has no roof. We all suffer in the blitz, mate. And completely four-gag short list, Dr. Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Well, that's classic post-traumatic stress disorder. Resulting for you having been incarcerated in the Japanese POW camp in Burma for three years. What do you mean, Doctor? What's post-traumatic stress disorder? What the hell is that? Oh, it's a condition often suffered by combat veterans. Bullshit, Doctor. That condition will not be labeled post-traumatic stress disorder until

1978. Good point, my mistake. So then, Doctor, I'll repeat my question. I feel like a pair of curtains. Tough luck, singer him or waver flag or something. my question. I feel like a pair of curtains. Tough luck, sing a hymn or wave a flag or something. I said, I feel like a pair of curtains. What should I do? I won't be drawn on that? No, it's not that. No. No. I feel like a pair of curtains. Well, maybe open yourself up. It's the 1940s. I'll keep it bottled up inside me. I'm British. I feel like a pair of curtains. What are you suffering from blackouts? But you know, because of the blackout cut. Pull myself together, you should be telling me to pull myself together, doc.

Let's go again, doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Yeah, well, I'm a bit peckish to me. And if the only option is powder eggs or a pair of curtains, I'd probably choose the pair of curtains as well. Patient, patient, I feel like a slap up roast dinner. Frankly, doctor, this service is f***ing appalling. If this were what I pay my taxes for, no, not yet. The National Health Service does not formally come into existence until next year.

But don't sh- Thank you. You have to be there. It's time now to meet our two guests for this week's live. You're ready to meet our guests. Oh good, because that would have been very awkward otherwise. Firstly, all the way from the world's southernmost hemisphere, a man who has not only come up snake eyes yet again at the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the war mongering Australian bastard. Only time for winners on this podcast. Actually, that's not strictly true. Generally, when people start winning things, they get fired. Anyway, Andy. Hello, everyone.

You, Chris. You, Tom. Oh, I should point out, Chris, Chris, producer, Chris is in the building, like the Elvis Presley and person later that he is. Hello, Chris. Hello, Andy. How are you? I'm very, I'm very well, thanks. Thank you for letting me stay in your flat last night. All right. Ooh. It was just a sensational lease. He slept on the sofa.

That's the way this podcast rolls. How's the French being for you, Tom? It's been lovely, thank you. But a lovely time. I've had a man fall asleep in my show twice. What, the same guy. The same guy. Did he sleep in different portions of the show? So he got the whole of it in two goes. No, he didn't come twice. What the same guy? Did he sleep in different portions of the show so he got the whole of it in two

goes? No, he didn't come twice. Oh right, full of sleep mode times. That would be dedication heckling. We had two snoozes in one show. Two snoozes. I saw him sleep being in the front row, I've made fun of him, I've never laughed at him and I was crowned a god of comedy. And then 20 minutes later he's not enough again. So that says something about my act. And one night there were five men in black suits in the front row and I just want to ignore them. I thought there's something bad about that and then eventually I saw what's going on and they all worked at a restaurant and their head chef had just died and they'd come directly

from the funeral. So I took quote them, better be fucking funny, pal. And then as a tribute to their full-on colleague, I died on my ass for 40 minutes. It's good. Next up, completing easily, the tallest bugle lineup in the history of the universe. It's comedian, a history of fissionado, the man who is to drumkits,

what Donald Trump is to horrifically chilling statements in that he makes them. He genuinely owns a drumkits, what Donald Trump is to horrifically chilling statements, in that he makes them. He genuinely owns a drumkit, making business. My former host of the wrongly cancelled smash hit radio show, seven day, whatever day of the weekend, the BBC had a spasit on the radio. Wailing in at none of your business, he's not a piece of me, it's Al Mori! Hi Andy, hello Al, hello ladies and gentlemen. These people are me. This is beautiful. People actually f***ing listen to this thing.

You've known me too long, Al. I thought it was a bot farm in Sri Lanka. Just clicking, clicking, clicking. Well, it's my target demographic. It's where the big bucks are in global comedy. So obviously a big part of coming to the fringes getting reviewed by publications. I've got a few of our reviews here. My show, Satteris Vahai, was described by Hard House enthusiast monthly.

One star, very disappointing. Nothing in it for the hardhouse fan. He just stood on stage and talked, no hardhouse beats laid down whatsoever. Tom's show, what was he called again? Problematic. Problematic, that's it. The leader of viewers... That's it. The leader of you was... Shhh! Described as a very different to Shindler's list. And... And also different to the Laughing Cavalier, the 1624 painting by Franz Hals.

That was from Pointless Comparison magazine. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Let's hear their love for me last year. I'll show, described by gratuitous violence weekly as easily Murray's most violence blood thirsty ending. Pity the poor people sitting in the front row of his shows that he's shit, I shouldn't have given that away these days. I got got reviewed again by today's middle class white, privately educated, lapsed Jewish, 40-something vaguely lefty, sport-obsessed man magazine. At last, someone talking all language.

The Daily Mail, why is the government canceling Brexit? And one too many examples magazine said, we particularly love the bit in the bugle live show where Andy made up pretend reviews of shows Anyway, right It's good how he writes all this down, isn't it? Chris, are you ready with a jingle? Of course he is, he was born with Jingle in his soul. Mr Bo Jingle, he is known as top story this week, nutty leaders of the week. We are going to have a competition

ladies and gentlemen to find out the world's lupius leader. Now the earth has proven over and over again through its illustrious industry leading careers as a planet. The one thing you will never take away from us is our unique ability to put f***ing lunatics in positions of massive f***ing responsibility. It's one of our defining features from your kihlegulars and your impresses, wooze, ztams in your ancient worlds to the hyponauty megalix of the 20th century. And I think it's probably a nice way. Just hyponauty megalix is a terrible condition and please go see a doctor if you see Elisah.

You were the drummer in the hyponauty megalix. I prefer our early stuff. Less loud and bangy. So, who is top of the always competitive world's loonious leader chart this week? We've got five nominations, got the winner in here. You be the judge, ladies and gentlemen, from these five shortlisted candidates. Candidate one, all the way from Chechnya, Ramzan Kadeirov.

So, are you, you, you, you, you, Kadarov fans? Well, Chechnya, it's, it's like one of those sort of, if Chechnya didn't exist, it would be a Marvel films country that Thor has to, Thor has to scoop up the leader's palace with his, with Mjolnir and toss into the sun. Right? It's luck, it's run by Dr Doom, it's fantastic. I think it's better say that Chechnya is not one, too many prizes for most relaxing place

to live over the past few centuries or so, well, we're having been a pawn in Russian power games since the early 18th century. And a hotbed of insurrection, ever since the collapse of the Soviet Union, not to mention the fact that the people who come from there are named after the sound of a cocking rifle. Chachin. That can't help. Now, male, the dismount. Now, Caddorov has been on particularly spectacular form this week, because he has basically said

that he's basically forcing separated couples to reunite, because apparently divorce is the roots of Chechen society's many problems, rather than, for example, history or him. He's going for divorce, which is a curious way to go about fixing. This is chilling though. I mean, I'm divorced. All right, Nate. What have all got stuff going on? Whatever he wants me to do, rather than this, I'll fucking do it. Whatever he wants me to do, rather than this, I'll fucking do it. LAUGHTER It's not working at the camps.

The vlogs are not getting back with Earth. Yeah, exactly. Whatever you want, I mean. Now, I mean, I'm not a marriage guidance counselor. As my friend, Thrice Divorced Mike, Conveumantly testified, Mike, you need a show, are you really lover? Really, Andy? And how

should I do that? By her and Abattoir. She's a vegan, Andy. Yes, but keeping the flames of romance alive is all about surprise. Okay, Mike, you need to display her commitment. A grand ever-lasting gesture. Okay, Andy, any suggestions? Yes, get a tattoo of her face done on your face. Anyway, but if you need a threat from a despot to keep your relationship together, surely though, you've got probably issues with a couple that's going to be hard to resolve. Nothing says romance like government mandates. I knew we were going to be together when I got a letter from the government saying

we are destined to be together. But they set up a commission to oversee the enforcement of the policy and it's called the Council for Harmonizing Marriage and Family Relations, which is just one of the nicknames I have for my dick. And then I've set up this hotline apparently separations and divorces are being reported on a hotline, which I assume is being staffed by your anti-magrant. Okay, I've got a despoits quiz for you now. About question one, I just want to ask you, Al. Ramzen Kaderov's rule has been characterized by which classic combination of despotic hobbies? Is it A, an incorrigible love of free and open political debate, massive amounts of state

funding for the arts, and a fanatical devotion to LGBT rights? Was it B, McCromay, Pitch and Putt golf, Zumba, Line Dancing and Bagpus? Or was it C, High Level Corruption, a terrible human right record, and a growing culture personality? Of course, tricky, isn't it? I think we're going to... What are we thinking in the room? Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Yes, correct!

He absolutely loves all work by Oliver Postgate. Err... ...candle it too! Can't do that, too. President Buhari of Nigeria. He's been on sick leave for all but three months of the past year, but he now can't return to work in his office because the rats have eaten his office. Now as excuses go, this is spectacular. That is a rat eating a bit of an office.

That used to be a desk. Maybe it's a filing cabinet. That rat looks like it's on pills. Look at it, it's forage. It's kicking in, man. Chris, is that actually a rat? That looks like a non-rat to me. I googled rat office.

And that's what came up. That's the rat. What a sick-rat to me. I googled rat office. And that's what came up. That's the... What a sitcom that was. I mean, it was really comedy of awkwardness rather than laugh out loud jokes. Anyway, look at that. And the P-Buddy Award goes to... LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER Anyway, it's kind of a long dog ate my homework style of... I think he's on to something. If you're going to lie, what you have to do is base it on truth. I saw a mouse once by my telly and I couldn't watch the telly for ten minutes. So there's something in this. That is interesting. This mouse ran out and it was really unsettling. The only thing I had to hand was my iPad and then leave through my iPad at the mouse.

Right. So I didn't, right? The story hasn't got like a funny bit in it. Right. So you're saying, a mouse was near your telly, and therefore you think rats could eat, of course, in the office. This is the kind of logical thing

in the goddess into Brexit. And it. So I only wrote, and rodent around electrical equipment. Yeah, puts me off. LAUGHTER People are saying I was a made up story, but I got an email from the Prince of Nigeria. LAUGHTER

He told me that this is absolutely true, and he's asked me to transfer $10,000 to $20,000 into his bank account to deal with the infestation costs. The infestation? Oh, God, I'm hungover. He's been very ill. And his spokesman said, there's nothing I ought to worry about.

He is energetic, well-focused. And it is clear he's enjoying excellent health. Let me just put that through my early 1980s Soviet Union translation software. Buhari is medically dead. There we go. And that's... APPLAUSE

Let's move on to candidate three Kim Jong Un. Oh, we got the fans in. It's a really brand recognition rather than actual popularity, but it works with soft drinks and trainers. So why not with world leaders? Now that is a happy dictator there. He's loving it. I mean, my view of Kim Jong Un.

I see him very much like I see the dubstep DJ Skrillex. Not really my thing, don't really understand it, don't get his choice in haircuts, but I'm question way, he's very good at what he does. For Skrillex, it's dubstep and electronics, is that correct? Yesterday Eddie said, I've got a joke about DJ Skrillex and I said no one calls him DJ Skrillex Listen, listen, listen I am a cricket fan, I use people's full initials

That's a way, scorecards go For Kim Jong Un, he's obviously very good at keeping an entire nation in poverty ignorance and fear classic communist dictators, right, Aflom. And on balance, I have to say, what the f*** is that Chris? I just googled Kim smiling. All right. And what is that? Is that like what used to be his uncles? For listeners at home, that is him watching over a machine.

This is me squirting out what maybe baby food. What do you reckon is? Ear wax. Ear wax. I mean, never say never with Kim. Probably the world record breaking collection of earwax to go with his grandads brilliance on the golf course. Yeah, the guy in the photo isn't too happy about it.

He looks very miserable. He's next. Yeah, that's what happened to his colleague. Anyway, I think I'll balance up a first Rolex to Kim Jong-un, but if they ever collaborate, what a parade that will be. So Kim has just fired three missiles into the sea this year. Fair enough. Yeah.

I don't like the sea. Don't victim blame the Pacific Ocean. It's cold, grey, implacable, it'll swallow up. You know, or whenever you know you died in it. Yeah. The sea. It's about time someone took that **** down on peg or two. Let's have some justice. Yeah, it's got crabs in it.

It's got seals in it, which is nothing more than souped up otters Testerfuck You speak to proof the sea You don't feel safe. Truth to power right there. The sea has one function which is keeping David Attenborough in work And he can't have long left Oh come on!

He's going to be executed. He's a disgrace to this country, made an entire career out of zebra snuff movies and hardcore insect porn. I feel like I'm... This used to be such a nice show. I think you've got to feel so over the fish in the sea. Like, it just needs to be a log, and they just... Nice show. I think you've got to feel so over the fish in the sea. Like, it just needs to be a log and they just...

We're like, oh, what did we do? Fish want to be deep fried. That's their best condition, deep fried, right? So he's doing a fish a favor and he's taking it to the sea. Was he like Poseidon? Neptune, what are we gonna name this? and he's taking it to the sea. Right. Does he like Poseidon? LAUGHTER Neptune would have been in name, is... LAUGHTER ..but that's an obvious tax dodges name.

Yeah, that's right. LAUGHTER He's got different oceans under different names. And the number of offshore accounts. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, Lordy. APPLAUSE He can do them spontaneously as well.

Let's move on to Candidate 4. Donald Trump. Uh, always, uh, your friend and mine, always in the running, there he is once again playing his darts. Um... LAUGHTER Um... Uh, I mean, the America used to not feature that high in the global Looney's scale, but he's

really dangling, laying down some serious funk. Yeah. It's almost impossible to say anything about him, isn't it? Because he's outmaneuvering even you. Yeah. Well, in bullshit terms. I mean, I like to think we're raising each other's games. You know, it's like Carl Lewis and Mike Powell

in the 1991 World Long Jump Final. My favourite picture of his hair is the one from here when he's an angry and the guy had the balloon. Fantastic that picture. Someone got a staticy balloon and put it over his head. LAUGHTER Google Donald Trump static hair or something like that. Is brilliant.

That was fake physics. All right, isn't real. Now, one of... He's lost another one of his key team of f***s. Mr Gorka. I believe he's moving on to be a f***ing private sector. Of course, the big selling sequel to Game of Thrones. Gorka is I mean, is there anyone left?

Now from Trump's, like, support, they're pulling out all the support loonies from underneath. So it's going to be like a one-eat-eye team. When the sinners to six fall out with each other, when Electro tells the scorpion that he's no longer interested in working together, and then the Rhino, uh... This is... No, Rhino has the Rhino and Venom fall out. We're then, we're told you respect Al. What the f*** are you talking about? The Sinister Six. Who are they? Don't worry, I'm the Sixth from the Sixth, he's like a normal person.

They're from, they're from my reality, Andy, and I've arrived in yours. This Donald Trump looks president, which seems pretty unlikely. Yeah. No, Galka, Galka, I mean, the thing about him is he's sort of the political equivalent of that mini cab driver,

who ended up on the news on the BBC. You know, what the f*** was he doing there? And who, who even is he? And what? And, ah! That's about it, basically. I don't really have anything sensible to say about him, because he, we shouldn't dignify him with your blade of satire. The Trump, Trump was a big fan, apparently. He said, Axios reported that Trump raved about Gorkeras performances, telling colleagues, he had no idea what Gorgas actually did,

but loved him on TV. He's like, so a Trump-I's Gorgas like Kim Kardashian. It's like, I don't know what he does, but I just like the vibe. Well, that is how America voted last November, but it's, isn't it, that is, the exact rational behind the people of America speaking,

which I mean, the people of America saying, which I mean the people of America saying, we prefer Hillary a bit in a geographically inconvenient way. LAUGHTER MUSIC So we should, we're going to talk a bit about the part. Have you got the pardoning Joe Arpeo? Yes.

The sheriff. Well, he's a controversial sheriff, isn't he? Yeah, the best kind of sheriff. Well, he's a controversial sheriff, isn't he? Yeah, the best kind of sheriff. Well, in the news, in the news, we used in the news environment. The word controversial means f***ing massive s*** nor. Normally, controversial means

like pineapple on pizza. That's a controversy. That is globalization gone mad. Let me say that. There's no place for that. But look at it. Yeah. Yeah. He's the racial profiling guy, isn't he? Yes.

That doesn't narrow him down in America, does it? No. Well, he looks the type. LAUGHTER What? It was crazy that he was charged with contempt of court, which is what Trump had him for. But back in the 90s and stuff, the way he instituted justice was nuts. He reintroduced chain gangs in Arizona, like brought that shit back.

Right, because they had a bit of a, well, a checkered reputation from this, didn't they? They made quite a decloable society for massive understandings. They increased coordination amongst business owners. But that's like bringing back people in the stocks and throwing rotten fruit, which I think, you know. We've got the Edinburgh fringe for that. Two stars, Broadway baby. Not enough canter loops.

LAUGHTER Right, we need to crack on with next door Chris Jingle. Weak beer news now. Howler's a Beagle's official beer correspondent. Yes, this is news from the front line of binge drinking booze Britain. The country is not as pissed as it thinks it is. LAUGHTER Darling Black Label, or Darling, formerly calling Black Label, I bet he drinks Darling Black Label,

remember that, the Dambusters advert, which made like a horrific fucking event. It's the British way. Of course. Well, they started it. It's been caught with... Has been... Darling Black Lab has been caught, it has been. Carling Blah Labours been caught with its alcoholic trousers down like a reveler caught short

on a Friday night behind a skip. Because Carling is in fact not 4% strength as advertised, but it's in fact, right, which is too strong to be a session beer, to weak as to recu-ray off, right? It's actually been brewed at 3.7% all along. Ooh. Yeah, yeah. Now, because the callings have been no one admits to drinking,

that lots of people drink. But they're not as pissed as they thought they were. And the reason they've done this, is it out of concern for their drinkers, is it for the good of the country's moral constitution? No, it's a tax dodge. LAUGHTER Cours have done it, so they pay less duty on the carling, as it's 3.7% not 4% and they claim they're not misleading drinkers.

Right, I mean, you know, if you can't trust the most basic ordinary larga, what can you trust? This is my watergate moment, this is my, this is my parallax view glimpse through the f***ing matrix moment. Bearism what it says it is. So not only have you been 10% less drunk than you thought. Yes. But also simultaneously underfunding public services all the time. So basically every time you be anyone here has been drinking carling, you've been shutting down schools and hospitals. How's your case with your child? Tom, you are the official dog excrement correspondent

for the bugle. What have you got for us this week? I mean, finally, I've got a story. It's a very niche brief I have. Social Justice poo news, right-wing outfit protest prayer have canceled their free speech rally, in quotes. In San Francisco this weekend, after hundreds of counter protestors promised to cover the park where the rally

was going to take place in dog poo. Some people declare their intention to stockpile their dogs plops for days in advance and then deliver them in bags for the site. It was too much for the neo-nazis and they canceled the rally. And truly Andy, this was an example of poople power. And... Hey! I mean it really is a blow to the fast shits.

If the rally had gone ahead, there certainly would be brown shirts. Hit love more like shitler. White supremacists, more like shits supremacists. Ironically, if left out in the sun, the little protest logs would eventually turn white. Not a pun, still hilarious. But seriously, hopefully after this we see the number of those white supremacists will be droppings All in all I think we could say the good people said for Cisco show that there for the many not the proof Is it too late for me to get the award? And your next show starts in 19 minutes. Oh, right. Okay. So, um...

By the way, is anybody... No, it doesn't. Is anyone... Is anyone here coming to that show? Yeah! Oh, okay. Well, let's just do it right here. Can any get a lift? So, right, let's move on to the very always funny story of net migration statistics.

So net migration has fallen to the lowest level for three years after a surge in EU nationals fleeing the UK after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after...

...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... ...after... to be seen establishment paid for by EU gold, for my cousin David Cameron.

One of the, that is why I did it. A gag we did at the time was people who come to this great country because it is a great country. Leave it with me to sort this out. Right? Now, far be it for me on a bugle to suggest that satire has any actual power. But it stole me on a bugle to suggest that satire has any actual power. But Stomi, I was right.

It's f**king worked. But it's very just stressing from a British point of view that all these skills, people are leaving. And we may have to invest in our own national future at some point. And that is emphatically not what being British is all about. It's all about stealing other countries' futures ready made. That's what we're basically nation on. Pretty soon the whole of the UK is just going to be like Edinburgh

the day after the fringe finishes. Yes, it'll be quieter, you'll have more control, but you'll have a dearth of Swedish jugglers. Is that a price you're prepared to pay? The story that the home office has been holding back figures on students who overstayed their visa. Previously they were saying it was 100,000 students overstayed on their visa. That was being added to the net migration figure. But since it turns out it's 4,000. Not 100,000. It's 4,000.

But I can't remember who the home secretary was 18 months ago. Someone is there. Another. Oh, that's the one. No, I don't know. She's always hung onto this. May as always hang onto this is the thing that she wants to stop is this student figure. The student can't be... anyway. I can't explain it. I think, well, I know too much for some people, particular truth bombs smashing the establishment. You can't even find a way

out. You're so disorienting. Truth cascading down on him. He's trying to make it the endy shirt. LAUGHTER I mean, where does Mae's antipathy to foreign students come from? I think she must have been... She must have worked in a shop when she was 17 and 20 French exchange students in Cagul's came in, stole all the pick and mix and said, ''Guffer us before that I could've got.'' Well, in fact, I mean, that's a bit from her autobiography.

So, is this... I used to work in a shop and two French students came in and said, I mean, technically I was just echoing the, not her getting numbers wrong. I thought structurally that was a sound joke. But it's not that big of a snake, is it? It's 95,000 students. Like, when, that's not important. No one's ever been like, oh, we don't have 95,000 students to do something. How will we possibly cope?

They're f**king students. Get a job, hippies. It's a good point, well-made. Thank you. I mean, I, I think what this all indicates is that May is some sort of universal, who are to the watcher style genius. Who are to the watcher? Who are to the watcher? Who simply watches what happens in the universe and doesn't interfere with it? There's people who know it, that's super hero. There's not a superhero, he's one of the watchers. It lives on the moon.

And they very rarely... Dabbles as a line-judge in tennis. They're not allowed to interfere in human affairs. Is the public and Lord audience know that you're a f***ing nerd? LAUGHTER I do everything to hide it. But, it's like she's on a mission

to drive the Tory party into the ground. She's wrecked them in an election. Who is she doing this for, though? Is it the Cree, the Chitari? You see? Being humans? who is it? I guess we may never know. We need to move on to the regular part of the live bugle.

We have about five minutes left of the gig. I think four minutes left of the gig. I'm going to have to edit those. You guys. The audience question and answer session. So, I'll tell them if you've got any questions for the audience. You guys. The audience question and answer session. So, I'll tell him if you've got any questions for the audience. Yeah, which statues would you like to see torn down as is the Vogue currently?

Chris picks on my do answer that question on behalf of everyone else. Bill Shankley statue at Anfield because it should be outside West Minster. The Bill Shankley statue at Anfield. But in Anfield, he was the Liverpool football manager. Yes, Westminster, because he managed the... Because of the party football team in the 1980s. Because of his socialist values. Oh, I see his socialist values. Socialist values.

That's not going to happen, let's be honest. Is it a socialist value to score more goals than surely socialist values just be to draw all your matches? Neil, Neil. APPLAUSE Tom, have you got a question for the audience? Did anyone see my show? LAUGHTER

Right. BELL RINGS So, I need to finish that, that's gone, that's gone, here we are. So, I can't do a live show without pun, or maybe Tom's puns will do. I'll go. I'll finish with... As I best show it all this year was a blues music show. I remember when I first got into the blues. There's some chairs there if you need them guys

or a desk if you just want to sit with your head in your hands I remember when I first got into the blue I was quite invited to be an evening of blues and first world war photography I was looking at some pictures of the battle of passion dial spots up a conversation with someone look at those conditions it must have never stopped raining yep he replied it was a muddy war to say the least. Anyway, my old – my old – copy my jokes. My old podcast partner was with me, but he was sitting in the

corner listening to them. He was making his favourite tobacco out of one of those big Persian style pipes. I wanted him to stop. I said, John Lee Vooka. You're new. You want... Yeah. Here we go. Here's the... That's the... What is that? Is that the sequel to Rodan's The Thinker, realising I'm f***ing...

It is that bad. For those listening to Rodan's The Thinker, realising I'm f***ing it is that bad For those listening at home Chris is doing is easy. Oh, you put the pictures up on on the Twitter feed again I want to say with pleasure excellent Anyway, John was with his newscast newscast about he mr. Blitzer blitzer started banging on about his conspiracy theory that top blue Singers were all working for the KJB in the 1950s their Their link to Moscow, I'm sure of it, he said, I replied, how linked wolf? How linked wolf? Anyway, he got furious and physically attacked me. So this is not my best side. Don't my best jokes, sorry. Anyway've got a furious and physically attacked me.

He was sticking his stomach out. He led belly first. I stayed with John in New York. He has a little baby boy. But I think his little baby is trying to steal my laptop. He's only a baby, but I really think he might grow up to be a robber, John Sun. Oh, come on! Robert Johnson! Godfather of the Blues. He said, Robert, I know but you have to suspend critical faculties.

What's the level? Anyway, John of course, he has to control his nerves with alcohol and drugs. He used to drink a popular American beer and then take a tab of ecstasy. He was a bad e-guy. LAUGHTER But he's obviously doing pretty well now, John. He's a bit better off than I am financially.

He's a little richer than me. LAUGHTER But I don't say that well, though. Sometimes go to his gigs and throw fruit at him. In fact, I once chuck berries at him. LAUGHTER Anyway, I had another friend. He picked up an STD, caused a horrible burning sensation in his,

you know, is, you know, anyway. He said to me, it's my willy, dicks on fire. I mean, willy dicks is maybe a niche, anyway, f*** you. Anyway, I had to take a break. Went to France for four nights to relax. Kim Lannan and Imiti used to wear big fake pelicans bills. I had six of these beaks labeled A through to E with the oldest first. But the airline lost the oldest four of them on route. But I still enjoy myself, though. I called it my Bill E holiday. LAUGHTER

Um, right. LAUGHTER And, uh... Do you know, um, please explain. And finally, uh, uh, finally. Uh, no one believes you. I was expecting a round of applause there. Usually when I do those jokes, the crowd clapping and claps more, they lost them. They clapped on.

There you go. That is the end, Bueglers. That standing ovation is correct. Thank you to our maritaton ballad. I have to run to another gig. Thank you for coming, Bueglers. Good afternoon. See some of you at the stand in six minutes.

Bye.