The Bugle - Bugle 4041 – A flood of news, and floods

Episode Date: September 1, 2017

There's a lot of water this week. In Houston, where the government is backtracking from plans to cut disaster spending, and in Mumbai where Anuvab is seeking refuge on a floating train. Also, Brexit, Kim, Pauline Hanson and transfer news. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, you glues and the warmest of all possible welcomes within the subset of token greetings at the start of podcasts to issue 4,041 of the bugle the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a world of increasingly unapologetical visual visuality.

This is the bugle for the week, the 4th of September 2017. I am Andy Zoltzman, the undisputed grandmaster of Grime, taking a week off from redefining London's urban music scene to talk to you people, you're welcome. About everything from global news to the rules of cribbage, from world events to whatever the hell plankton do on dates, and whatever it is must seriously work. There are trillions of them, the horny little blighters,

who knew being a microorganism could be so damn sexy. Anyway, it will be more of the former in both of those cases more probably the news and world events than Criminjum plankton dating. Anyway, I digress. I'm here live and kicking like a dusty, snookable, in London, the former current and future capital of the United Kingdom.

All of those within the space of that sentence, too. That's, I'll fit quickly things happening in this city. I'm back from Edinburgh. Thanks to everyone who came to see a separate list of the higher political animal and the Google live shows during the fringe, and joining me this week, still hanging around our hemisphere. When is someone going to build a wall around the equator to keep this hemisphere safe for genuine Northern hemispheracans? Our latitude total North-lit culture is big, I'm sorry. Anyway, I mean, welcome, I'm on the second, to the one remaining voice of 17, this wonky old world.

It's Alice Fraser. Hello Andy. Hello, welcome to Love and How is Edinburgh? Oh, you know, exhausting, excellent. I had a ball. It was so much fun. I did your show, political animal. I did your show, the bugle.

I did my show. So you're going two for three, that's pretty good. That's the big three, that's all you need to do in Edinburgh. I did your show political animal. I did your show the bugle. I did my show So you're going to the three that's pretty good. That's the big three. That's all you need to do in Edinburgh Yeah, political animal that's I think that pretty much solved Every single political issue in the world the power of satire to 30 people in a room later Oh, they look like they were enjoying it except for one person who look like they're really weren't enjoying it I think they're compulsory in Edinburgh. You need one person in the audience to just be the fun and hope killer. All right, was it only one? I think there's always one. Oh right. I think there might have been an administrative aberacus. They seem to have been sending too many of those for many over the years. Anyway, at this

point I was also supposed to be introducing Anuva Pal, live from Mumbai, but sadly due to the flooding in Mumbai, having a bit of a physics-related disagreement with his recording studio and equipment, he can only join us briefly by phone later in the show. Also, secondary problem, he himself, Osmo's Luka Potato, he's now 30-foot high and 15-foot wide and goes by the name of the mega-spud. That's nice and true, of course, he actually dissolved

because he is in fact made of salt. That's what Anuvab means in Indian. But you will be appearing as a solution later in this show. That's not true either. In fact, he's breathed gills and swam off to form a new civilization, just like the Kevin Kossner voice in his head told the pointies, a slightly dampen the average Anavab pal, we'll be joining us briefly by phone later. And you can also see him live on the 17th of September as part of the live bugle show

at the London Podcast Festival at King's Place. In London, several other fantastic rodeo topie shows also, putting it up from the 15th to the 17th details on the internet or just ask someone in the street who looks like they might know. Later, in this show, we'll be reviewing the opening round of the 1978 Soviet Politburo karaoke tournament. Could for an affairs minister

Andrei Gromiko with his almost erotically sensuous baritone rendition of the 1968 Ohio Express' yummy yummy yummy. See off the challenge of a volodomio Shobitsky's more contemporary, you make me feel like dancing. Easily the most upbeat rendition of a Leo say a single word, any serving member of the Soviet hierarchy at that point in time of course. And with the always groove aware, Yuri Andropov's up to the minute take on Funkadelik's album track,

Pro Mental Shit Backwash Psychosis Animal School, brackets the do-do chases. The 10 minute lead off number on side two of the new One Nation under a groove LP that is of course viewed by many as serving been instrumental in the gradual collapse of the Soviet Union over the following ten years. Would that charm or split the judges? Well, whatever, when you're up against the close harmony, you're of hardline

second secretary Mikhail Suslov and chairman of the Council of Ministers Nikolai Chikanov, laying down frankly anything from the Evoli brothers back catalogue. Would you bring a better bring some serious musical chops? Oh, Andy, I can tell you're feeding back in your native soil because, well, you're spreading some good bullshit. Right. How is anyone ever going to go to one of our live shows? If you put an actual fact between Anivab turned into a potato and Leo Sayer is a communist. Like, where?

I'm also going to say he's a communist. Where are people supposed to believe things? Sang his hits in the 70s. But I'm sure that is factually correct. So it's me who's inaccurate. Yes. Of course, whoever gets through the first round, Communist Party, Bolshear Cheese of It,

Leon Brasian, Vizier Vizier. He, of course, awaits in the final, given a bite with the early rounds, of course, a big big big bridge Will he be reprising his winning 1977 version of buddy hollies every day? If you'd buy many as humorously referring to one or both of his own impending death and all global nuclear conflict Every day it's a getting closer growled. Bresy lad. There was no new auction Of course he fronted his own covers band but the great fool read. Anyway, look, I'd digress. Yeah.

Also, we'll be attending the launch later in the show. The secret's new Royal Navy Spice Ship, HMS Undercover, the 68,000-ton full metal espionage warship, that is going to be sneaking its way up to Volga River towards Moscow, disguised as a giant duck to keep an eye on the ship. Oh, shit, I've blown it. Sorry, everyone. But first, I've blown it. Sorry everyone.

But first, well this is the beautiful for the 1st of September. On this day, Alice, 1715, the death of King Louis extra intravenous of France. Sorry, Louis X XIV. Oh that's a Roman, sorry, Louis XIV. Also of course known for his scientific experiments to crossbreed his Favorite feline domestic pets with animals from his top military cavalry Henses nickname Louis cat horse Thank you Thank you. I'm here all week Anyway, Louis Louis the 14th

You let pop it song clogs or you know pop Clogs, I forget. On this day, just 302 years ago, La Wassolay, the sun king after reign of 72 years, the longest of any major European monarch. For now, getting a bit twitchy, Louis. Lizzy's coming for you, sunny boy. 65 and counting for Betchy Queue, the queen of all the Bretons, Queen Elizabeth, the unremittingly alive, and if I may say, Queen Elizabeth, he considerably less horny than Louis XIV. There's ludicrous number of mistresses and his love of eating chips, cheese and gravy,

or as it was immortalised in a 1970s boony, M Disco hit the, wa, wa, waas poutine. Oh no. Oh, no. Well, Alice, you brought puns last time you were on the people. I did, you won up to me Andy. You come for the king the king comes back.

As always a section of this bugle is going straight in the bin. The BBC Radio 3 is starting a slow radio season featuring the chanting of Benedictine monks and a walker stomping 200 miles through German countryside. So we have a, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna follow this trend now. We're gonna have a competition, a slow audio competition. Can you tell us what this noise is? Is that a to reason may settling down

to hibernate for the winter, hoping everything gets better in the meantime? Was it B? A poorly attended meeting of the World rustling society. Was it C? Highlights from the 1983 World Hide and Seek Championships. Was it D? A bear shitting in the woods. Was it E? Donald Trump shitting in the woods. Or was it F? A bear hiding from Donald Trump in the woods and shitting as a satirical repost to the president's term of office so far? Send your answers on a postcard to yourself and if you get it right, give yourself a year off work. That section in the bin.

What was your question going to be? What? You look like you're about to ask a question about... I was about to ask you what the answer was. Where? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha what the answer was. Top story this week, Russia-US tit-for-tat diplomats bat. As we know, international diplomacy is the subtlest art, balancing complex market issues against political stakes in a delicate dance of refinement and subtle insinuation.

Here's a quote from a BBC article, Russian President Vladimir Putin has ruled out a tit for tat response after the US expelled 35 Russian diplomats, amid a rower for hacking. That was dated 30th of December 2016. New news is that the US and Russia have decided to spit the dummy with slobbering glee and challenge each other to the international relations equivalent of schoolyard name calling. Donald Trump's administration on Thursday ordered Russia to close three diplomatic facilities in the US as the diplomatic spat continued to escalate. There's been a conference call with reporters stressing that the United States was just responding to the Russian desire for parity in the diplomatic relationship, which is like how they get

gender parity by making men feel insecure about their tummies as well, rather than not selling makeup to women. It's our hope that the Russians will recognize it since they were the ones that who started the discussion on parity, we're responding and complying with what they required of us said the official before going, Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh between countries for work on the reg, the idea of reducing number of embassies and consulate just means you are building the environment for fewer but more overworked staff to deal with your lost passport or international crisis. This is not a good name. Yeah, it was interesting this phrase that his name was made in the spirit of parity,

which... That's just so lame. Well, it's diplomatic code for your being Dix, so we are also going to be Dix. So is the counter-Dick move, isn't it? Yeah, it's diplomatic code for your being Dix, so we are also going to be Dix. So, is the counter-Dick move, isn't it? Yeah, it's a positive spin on just like hoarding toilet paper in your room, because your flatmote won't buy any. That is. And also, spirit of parity has not exactly been a prime driving, defining force,

in either American or Russian politics. I mean, last time they exhibited the spirit of parity was the Cold War. Yeah, I guess the Russians did give it a go. The spirit of parity, even being so fair as to very fairly shoot all members of the Russian royal family together at once. The main women, boys, girls, really in some ways an act of ahead of its time feminism. But I mean, the little crack at the spirit of parity, well, they f***ed up something rotten if I may briefly summarize.

The entire history of the Soviet Union, the promise they binged out on the spirit of parity, and it left them with the babushka of all bureaucratic, autocratic hangovers. They were given until Saturday to clear out of the, well, the consulate in San Francisco of the, well, the consulate in San Francisco and two annexes, the annex in Washington, D.C. I mean, the fact that the Russians have annexes, I mean, that sounds dodgy, doesn't it? Yes, yeah. I just love how quickly this has changed.

It was only in 30th of December 2016 where they were saying Russia would not stoop to the level of irresponsible diplomacy that Trump was. And how quickly the tables have turned. Yes, although I mean for Russia to say it would not stoop to that level, was probably fair, on the grounds that it was already below that level, already below, you can't stoop upwards to something, can you? No, not unless you're upside down. Right, classic Australian response, see everything through that crazy prison.

Gravody no longer applies once you pass the equator. The response from the Russian staff in San Francisco was, why San Francisco? It's really nice. I'm going to be posted to somewhere like fucking Lagos and now I'll get a domestic posting in Novosibirsk. Whereas in San Francisco, I could be watching Andy Zoltzman on his US tour in October, days to be confirmed in the next week.

I mean, do we still need DIP for Matt's Alice? Do you have any news? Well, as somebody who's well balanced, I would say yes and no. Very good. It's me applying for the job. I mean, truly Trump's patent brand of undiplomacy has rendered them kind of obsolete. I think now we don't need official DIP rights. We just need the hype men, just like standing on a balcony of US Embassy in Foreign Eston or the Kingdom of Abroaditania or wherever Donald Trump has aggravated, slagged off or verbally jived at this week, shouting, yeah, yeah, and grabbing his

stars and striped nuts at, or you just need an army of national state apologizers, which I think we briefly considered in Britain when the Empire started falling apart, just holding up a sign, saying sorry again, like someone at a golf course with a quiet please notice. Well, I think with Trump and Putin they just need to bring it down to what they really want, which is both of them arm wrestling. But Trump with like a big man behind him holding his arm to give him extra support. That's a lovely image. A quick North career update now. And and well Kim Jong-un, he still hates the sea, has discussed love with him by Mr. L. Murray and to complicate things, he's now trying some trick shots.

He's flung one over Japan, flung a great big mishile over Japan, one of the most populated countries in the world. I mean, add us what you'll take. And what goes through that you're a professional psychoanalyst. Oh, why not? Okay. Good. In your, in your scot, the definition of facts, sure. I mean, what is going through the mind of Kim Jong Un? It seems to me that he's stuck in some kind of eternal, spoiled childhood or at best indulged in some kind of power

master battery adolescent delusional roleplay. I mean, this is the nuclear brinksmanship version of the kids game Piggy in the middle, right? He's just gone, can you catch it? No, I don't know. They've made no secret of their intention to develop these kind of nuclear-tipped missiles and they've recently threatened to turn Guam into a nuclear green paste, which would be devastating in a grotesque way, so innocent human life, but also allow you, Andy, to coin the phrase Guam Kamoli. Thanks. Well, thank you for leaving that one to me, Alice. I mean, I'm pretty excited.

Look, Trump said that talking is not the answer in terms of this relationship with North Korea, but I think, I mean, that's the motto of his presidency and his personal life. But... Yes. What about that self-knowledge, isn't it? Yes, I think it's... But clearly, he's processed all the information. He's realized that whenever he talks, it is not the answer.

As a psychoanalyst, I believe everything Trump says is like, coded cry for help. But in good Trump administration form, he was immediately contradicted by his own administration with General Matt as saying, we are never out of diplomatic solutions. So I don't know. I don't know what any of it means. I don't think anyone knows what any of it means. I think North Korea will just keep flinging things into the air with the gay abandoned of someone with diarrhea upside down. Like it's just, and it's all as in that metaphor it's all just going to rain down shit on everyone. I think with Kim though, I think as he just bored, when he puts him he sits around in North Korea, can play now they're so little to do in North Korea and his advisor

Yes boss, I mean, that is true boss, but other countries seem so much more exciting than here. Yes boss, I mean you could, what, well I mean you could try to encourage, what, you know, maybe allowing, you know, a few things like, three, two, one, wee-hee! You're giving it go! Splosh! Bored again, I'm bored again. Yeah, I think he's bored. I think he's completely surrounded by Yes Men. And as we all Yes Men games, it ends up in a nuclear war. Oh, Yes Men games. Oh, Yes Men games.

Including sexual consent. Well, I wasn't expecting that bit to end like that. But anyway. In Australian news now, Pauline Hanson has made a cameo appearance as a ring card girl during race-eave festivities for the birdsville cup. Following on from her stunt wearing of a burker into parliament, a Queensland senator was ringside when Fred Brophy's boxing troop opened its first night in the far west Queensland town that will host 7,000 racegoers on Friday and Saturday. So Pauline Hanson strode through the ring like a 18-year-old girl with no self-esteem that is deep inside her and was declared to be the hero of the town for the night. Ringmaster Fred Brophy declared, we love you in the Outback, you're a fear-dinker Australian. I think the whole of Australia would like her to stay in the outback, wouldn't we?

Yeah, I think the whole of Australia would like her to stay in the boxing ring one way or another. Can I just pick up on something now? You personally just casually gloss over the fact that this took place in a town called Birdsville. Yes. Right. It's named very traditionally after the fact that everyone there is doing the rude finger at all times. It sounds like a very beautiful cut.

You have to take a live view called the Birdsville or something. It's a rude finger to common decency and racial diversity basically. This phrase, you're a fair dinkum, Ostrite. What exactly is fair dinkum? I mean, this is the word that exists only in Austro. I mean, does, and does dinkum, I mean, that only goes with fair-diskum? Can you have unfair-dinkum or any other four-dinkum? No, it's only fair-dinkum.

So, as with many true blue Aussie things, fair-dinkum is a phrase. It's got obscure origins. It's either from the West Midlands in the UK or Chinese merchants during the Gold Rush. All right, that's a big either big idea. It's a big idea. It's a big idea. I have to average it out.

I think the general sort of focal etymology is that it was from Dingum, meaning good gold during the gold rush. Anyway, it's used to mean real authentic or solid. And when applied to Pauline Hanson, it means real, as in real dickhead, authentic as in authentic idiot and solid as in solid down movement of the old god what did I eat for right? The pictures of this This event I mean just it does appear to be just a lot of people in civilian clothes With boxing gloves match each other's faces in yeah, it's very traditional boxing all right

I'm just step up on Mayweather against McGregor I guess but yeah look I'm all for people punching each other in consent squares someone's they're not punching as with Mayweather their wives or girlfriends or other girlfriends or... Now an immigration story from Australia and unusually they've stopped someone going into Australia who is white. Yes, yes, very exciting. We're expanding our opportunities. A prominent anti-vaccination campaign, a Kent Hicken lively, clearly a made-up name, has been denied a visa to enter Australia by immigration minister Peter Dotton.

I think if you want to know this kind of scope of it, he's an anti-vaccination campaigner and he uses sort of toxic anti-science arguments. He's among a growing movement of people who are suspicious of vaccines, who've been multi-handedly responsible for bringing back a measles epidemic. Woo!

I don't agree with him being banned, actually. I believe if we introduce Kent Hagen-Lively in a small amount, it'll make the people of Australia more resistant to future Hgan lively liquor likes and more able to reject their feverish arguments. I'm not taking a jab at parents who are concerned about the health of their children. I don't want to need all the sensitive feelings of mumps and dads who are concerned about the potential implications of excessive actionations. I'm so sorry Andy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, And if courage lives in their hearts, they need to colour up. Sorry. No, no.

Anti-vaxxers are creating large spaces in society where herd immunity no longer protects children, whether you're in the park space or in malaria. I'm done, I'm done. I mean, your mouth shows you probably have to leave the building now, but on this show. Curialist. No. I'm sorry, I came early, I had too much time on my hands It's that easy just no idea at least Alice has the decent seat

Yeah, I should lean into the more I need to learn from you and that's how people to start I mean if you listen back to some of the early pun runs on this so pretty rapid as well It's very hard to pull it back. Yeah, I've got to work on my technique It's very hard to pull it back. I've got to work on my technique. So now it's time to cross to Mumbai, the now underwater city in India and speak to Anavab Pal and have described the situation

in your flood-stricken city. Well, all I to tell you right now andy is uh... it's no i if no i known for the arc in your part of the world if he came here he'd be like just some pretty serious stuff going on here i can't build anything that'll fit all these people i'd uh... i'd most of my neighborhood has been washed away. I think my family are somewhere near Shanghai now carried by the South China Sea. I, yeah, it's, I don't

know why this happened because we have top notch infrastructure. You know, I think anything built in the 1600s, like your palaces, type of buildings, yes your palaces, I don't know why our drainage was built, but you guys in the 1600s can't withstand the little bit of the monsoon, I don't understand why, but I think whatever rain Houston did not want it outsourced to us. We got some of that. And yeah, we got some of that. And yeah. Right.

I mean, who's being blamed for this? Because I mean, it seems to be true in politics, the world over, when something like this happens, we have to find someone to blame, rather than the water itself. And is anyone being having the finger of blame jabbed in their eyes right now? And let me tell you a thing or two about

the Indian Metropolitan Department. plane jabbed in their eyes right now and let me tell you a thing or two about the indian metrological department ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha people want forecasts, I believe the weather is forecast. Yes, here we look at weather as more as a historical thing. Right. Once it's completely flooded, our meteorological department says, ladies and gentlemen, it's flooded. We don't look at the precinct value weather. We look at the documentary value of whether What's much more objective what I've doing it? Yeah, less state-of-the-art more state of the obvious We think so we think so, you know anybody can say this might happen we say this happened

And I think that again again with so far advanced than the west when it comes to things like this and one thing i have to say about the metapartmando once they're predicting stuff that's going on right outside they are fairly accurate and it's a kind of art that i think some of the greats that's that's you know the van go and Picasso can learn from it's not easily done so yeah between the med department and the municipal corporation they have done a fantastic job all right it's good for that kind of thing oh that's good to hear I'm sorry you couldn't join us for that for the whole show but you will be here in London in two weeks time

for the live bugle on the 17th of September. That is correct Andy. In fact, now that the airport is shut, I am getting on the great eastern, east starboard ship that's going to sail across the Cape of Good Hope. So I should be with you in a couple of weeks. Excellent. Look forward to it. It's boarding right outside my apartment right now. That shouldn't be a problem. I don't know if I'm thank you. Have a lovely voyage. Bugle money section now. And well, where else to start? And with the Brexit negotiations,

that's appear to be foundering on the classic dispute point in any divorce proceedings of cold hard cash. It's very hard to keep track, Alice, of exactly what's going on. There has been no decisive progress, which is good. That is what we voted for as a nation. We were told that we would muddle through to a vague and unsatisfactory conclusion, and that is exactly what the government is giving us. So that's fine. Now, for those who have not been keeping track of what's going on in Europe, from the website of the government's ministry for exiting the EU or the MFGTFOTU to give it its full name.

A full question and answer on the current state of the negotiations. So what next? How much is it going to cost? What does Britain want and what does Europe want? How long will negotiations take and exactly what aspects of the future relationship between Britain and Europe are being discussed? Cough! What is the most likely scenario to emerge at the end of the process? Oh, oh f**king no! oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, said that the EU needs to be, quotes, more imaginative and flexible in an negotiation. So I guess in the diplomatic gymnastics required

to dismount this smoldering pommel horse of a process, you need to speak imaginative. I guess you've got to be pretty imaginative to imagine a situation in which this does not go steamingly tits up. That's like a Yelp review for a sex worker. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha we've shown we're flexible in Britain. I mean, many countries doggedly stick to wanting to do what's in their best long term social economic interests. But we have flexibly tripled pike back

some assault in our way off that tediously conventional predictable diving board into the concrete swimming pool of freedom. As I said, many divorcers get mired up in money. And this is the world's most complicated divorce case. In any case, further complicated by the fact that the partner who filed for divorce was at least 48% still in love, or at least will indeed have counselling a girl, which might have been a first step worth trying.

Also, this isn't like an ordinary divorce and we've been kind of logistically sown together like some kind of bureaucratic human sense, let's not push that analogy too far. But anyway, I mean, it's all comes out of my, and we're an ageing nation. We want to get out, we want to f*** around with other trading blocks, while we're still young enough to enjoy it. Yeah, I'm down for you guys getting it back on

with the Commonwealth, really. I'd like free access to the UK. Yes, it wasn't always a two-way access process in history. In order to ensure that businesses and individuals face that cliff edge, from the existing relationship to the future relationship, we all want to do illegal activities, and it is outrageous. A deal that is right, the United Kingdom, but also develops a deep and special partnership with North Korea.

You can't be a member of the single market and without being a member of China. In secret money news, the US Secret Service has warned it will run out of money to pay its staff by the end of next month because of the expense of protecting President Trump's family. I think this is fantastic. It makes me wonder what does less funding for the secret service look like. Do they take it out of the service or out of the secrecy? All I want to see is two giant men in wraparound shades running alongside a big black car, but instead of a black suit, the one on the left is just in a drunken gear.

And the other one isn't a giant man because they can't afford to. It's just a slightly pudgy but enthusiastic intern called Alex who can't keep up with the motorcade. I mean, if they take it out of the secrecy, then maybe we'll start finding out the uncovered secrets of the US history. Maybe we'll find out who shot JFK. Well, I think many people who have claimed that they voted for Donald Trump not because they're racist, bigots, or anything like that, they've said it's a way of shaking up the corrupt institutions.

And to be fair, maybe it's more efficient than armed revolution in the streets as a way of bringing down the government. You don't need to shoot the president from a grassy knoll. You just need to elect a glassy knob. I don't have a revolt in the streets, just have a revolting slug in the sheets, as Melania says. So, I mean, I guess the obvious solution to this is some kind of crowdfunding appeal to pay for the secret services.

So what's going to happen there is it just going to be, give us money we won't say for what? Yeah, well, just lay on the cards. Do you enjoy the comforting feeling that shady forces are taking on the baddies with legally dubious, if procedurally necessary, subterfuge? Do you want leading public figures to have to walk around in Karate kit ready to take on any potential asylum? Because they can't afford a security detail anymore. Do you want to still see Sirish looking men in black coats talking into their sleeves while trying to look as if everything is perfectly normal and normal people talking to their sleeves all the time? Then please contribute to the gimmonsumanny.com fundraising page for the US Secret Services.

If you want future TV series about American Spookt and Spide to be any good whatsoever, because they will be somewhat undercut if the opening scene is a man busking on a sidewalk with a sign playing, please help raising money to go undercover to Mexico Russian Arms for drugs cartel. Please, please help. How do you feel about waterboarding? Don't tell us we'll find out. Trump smashed the equivalent of Balmer spending over eight years, the cost of the security services

travel around with his family in a single, in under a year. Trumps smashed through that, which is, I'm better in mind of course, Obama was a devout Muslim from Muslim Islam, and that's a mecca every fortnight. So Trumps travel budget is now, of, because more than the entire Apollo program, the Vietnam War and the entire US nuclear arsenal combined. That is a lie, but when it comes to false stories about politics and how much things got he started it. But for the same money,

they could have actually built a suspension bridge all the way from California to Guam Is that also alive? I don't know Somewhere in the hinterland, isn't it? They could certainly have started I mean yeah, I what I like to think of is all the secret service men running beside the cars They have to have like marathon leg marathon runners legs by this point. Yeah Very good for fitness very bad for everyone else. And this is all in the context of Republicans recently suggesting cutting almost $1 billion

from federal disaster relief to pay for the president's border wall, though now that an actual federal disaster has happened to their backing off with the rapidity of a pickup artist who's tried to neg you and suddenly found out you actually have some self-esteem and a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu. Circumstances have changed significantly since the bill was drafted earlier this summer. Appropriations committee spokeswoman Jennifer Hing said on Wednesday wiping sweat from her brow.

God, take a compliment. We just didn't think you were the kind of girl to have major national disasters. MUSIC Your emails now, and a few of you sent in emails on this subject, including Alex Sheetz, who says hello Andy, in the enclosed link you'll find a great headline, closest approach ever by a large asteroid won't end life on earth but probably should. If you read further you'll learn

this asteroid is named after none other than Florence the hot stuff nightingale. Oh yeah! And it's coming past today as we record. Big flow, the rocky flow is zooming past just 4.4 million miles away. Oh yeah I can feel a raw eroticism of that rock from here. Clean hands warm heart. That too. You only really saw it when she wore low cut tops though. And this email came from Liz who did not want to give her her full name, understandably. Hello, hello Chris Andy and Poooodmira brackets I assume. Oh, correct. He gets the right. Well done. You guessed the right co-host.

I'm a bugle reporting from the raggeds that was once the functioning city of Houston, Texas. Due to Hurricane Harvey writes Liz, our plumbing system is not working in our house. Standing on the second floor, we had to make do brackets do with the double O. I shit in a quartz-sized ziplock baggy! That was another Kenny Rogers something, I think. I shit in a quartz-sized ziplock baggy. What's listening to your podcast? Is that a compliment or insult, Liz?

Oh, man. P.S. my family is safe with plenty of food and water just waiting it out. So thanks for that. Yeah, so I guess the logistics of... Poo-poo- you don't want to put that in the old carbon-arabag. Testify. Do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Football and the transfer window slam shot last night after a characteristic flurry of activity on the

final day Chelsea re-bought four of their own players off themselves for £19 million. Time will tell where that proves to be a good deal or a bad deal for the London Russian franchise. Whilst rivals Arsenal have paid £29.95 for a commemorative pictorial coffee table book about their victorious league winning unbeaten 2003-2004 season that they bought from their own club shop. Crystal Palace bought famous American attorney Lucilius Gram Chansky after misunderstanding the fans demands to go out and buy a really world-class defender. Whilst Belgian side gank in their efforts to become the most monosyllic outfit in world sports, brought young

Brazilian stars Hunk Bulk, Shark, Yauch, Lung, Sledge and Crapsom. Those youngsters of course are represented by the top Brazilian agents Young Brazilian stars, hunk, bulk, shark, yowch, lung, sledge and crapsum. Those youngsters, of course, are represented by the top Brazilian agents, been very business, business window, the top top agents from Brazil, including Intermediao, Negoti Aldo, Gobertweenio and Thivo de Silva. West Ham, they bought LC sniddles after the 83-year-old told pass their training ground on her way to the post office yesterday. She'll cost the hammers up to 18 million pounds from the gran x residential care home in rumpford

Depending on appearances Italian Giants Juventus. They played 74.3 million for not your old massly milliono mozzarella After the newborn baby twitched his one day old leg in a classic startle reflex and inadvertently kicked an apple out of the fruit bowl next to his mother's hospital bed into a nearby surgical bin. Great strike from the young lad, one for the future for the Bianco area, though he might be a bench option in the cup or Italian. By Munich, Reporters to have offered a limpiacos 125 million for former Greek deity Apollo, the versatile multi-function god of amongst other things, knowledge, light, healing and oracles. The Bundesliga giants will of course be hoping he doesn't bring any deadly plagues within though as what his occasional want back in his pump, although some fans, not happy with their club for signing someone who famously allegedly turned a woman into a shrub. Is that the kind of behaviour you want in a top level football? I'll kind of role model, is that for the fans? But it's a results business and football and

morality. Currently, well, they have a similar relationship to former Antarctic Explorer, turned human ice cube impersonator Robert Scott and the Andromeda Galaxy. They are a long way apart and largely unaware of each other's existence. Paris Saint-Germain paid some chap called Alfonso, 1.2 billion for first dibs on all children born in South America. Newcastle united have played 12 million for Bertrand Gladsch, the fictitious footballer, I've just made up. So there's at least some transfer action for the two-normity to get excited about. Whilst Royal Madrid have bought a hot dog with ketchup mustard and onions from a fast food van outside the Borussia Dortmund stadium in Germany for a reported 32 million just to stop Barcelona buying it first in the lost blankos. Also rumoured to have been 65 million for the

severed arm of St Vincent de Saragossa, currently on a long-term deal with Valencia Cathedral, the third century limb of course. That could pave the way for the Galacto Cows to bid for the Saint's leg from Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris as they attempt to piece the influential martyr back together. Barcelona themselves slapped in a late bit of 250 million pounds for the concept of hope, despite the how largely discredited emotion having been out of the limelighting football for some time. That's all your transfer window news up to date. That's beautiful. That's all for now, thanks. As ever to the Night Foundation. I wear Night Foundation every day. It keeps my face looking like a suit of that. Alice, it's been a delight to have you on as always. You've got a show coming up in London. I do. I have a show on the 9th of September in Camden at the Camden Head Comedy Club.

You can look that up on my website. Also, I did a podcast with you, Andy, but my podcast with you, which is much less funny and much more tea-based. It's called Tea Without Us. So you should listen to that if you want to hear Andy not bulging for miles. Just talking a little bit. So we'll be back next week with Nishkumar and Tom Ballard, and I'm hoping next week I will announce the full dates for my US tour Which will be happening in October

going to Many of the places I went to last year and hopefully a couple of new places as well and And so full details of that imminent and please, but you guys do come along to those gigs because Well, I guess it's quite soon really isn't it? So it would help a few But buy some tickets for example. That's coming up next week, until next time, viewers, thank you for listening, goodbye. music