The Bugle - Bugle 4042 – Durable Partners

Episode Date: September 9, 2017

Andy is joined by Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard to discuss Brexit, Moggmentum, dates gone wrong and a punch up between Jesus and Buddha. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Harley Bugleers! Audio newspaper for a visual world Harley-Buglers Helly apparently is the plural. I've been saying it wrong all these years Helly not hello if you're addressing more than one person or more than one thing or You're in a formal social situation this somebody don't know that well. I think I'm good. Let's go with high That's definitely true. Hus is the singular of course. It's talking to us highly classics. Anyway, greetings, fugulars. Always open accessible Andy. Greetings, fugulars.

And welcome. To issue 4,042 of the bugle. The world's only reliably non-unreliable source of truth and lies. With me, Andy Zoltzmann, still! A contender, there'll be the 13th person to set foot on the moon. says I've lost it at the age of nilie 43. I'm live in London the city with everything you could possibly want in a city apart from a volcano, one nil niples and a bearded communist revolutionary in a mausoleum in the city's main square, one nil Moscow. For now Moscow, for now come back in 50 years and we'll see what the score is then. Joining me this week, two men who have between them, never discovered a new chemical element,

never ridden to victory in a Moto GP, motorbike race, and never sparked a revolution in the Christian church by sticking it to do this on a church door. But I eat given time, they're only young, and be their cheaper than John's Jacob Busy, yes, it was dead as a nut. Valentino Ruffin, two nor Z-Rumans by again Martin Luther, who would just bang on about spiritual repentance in Latin, which is not what this show is about. So I'm more than happy with what we've got from London as you probably recognize the laugh and in fact the words, Nish Kumar and from a

long way from London welcome back to Tom Ballard. Hus, Hus, Henry. Hus, Hus, Hus, Nish. Hello Andy. Hello Tom. Hus, be good. I'm sorry. They're plural. Oh, sorry. I do apologize.

You've opened with, you've opened with plurals and Martin Luther. For everyone playing Zoltzman Bingo, we are a couple of cricket puns away from a full house. So welcome back to being a while, isn't she? Yeah, been away for a while, Zoltz. Yeah, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've, I did a TV show thanks to all the buglers who watched it in Britain.

Thanks to all the buglers who watched it abroad in what I assume was a spectacularly illegal method. I also, I popped up to Edinburgh for a bit. I did a charity show where comedians had to sing songs from a musical. And I did a full rap, the George Washington rap from Hamilton. So I guess what I'm trying to say Andy is I'm a rapper now. I'm a full rapper, NK47 is on the mic and I'll be dropping some sweet rhymes over the course of the vehicle. In the very specific musical theatre genre. In the very specific one.

Yeah, of course. I've went to a grammar school tub. I can't actually rap. You were so good, I was in a show. It made me so happy on so many levels. Where were you? Where was the Zoltzman? What did you think?

Well, nothing. Now, I've disapproved of musicals and every thought. Well, you know what I was saying to that Andy. There's something in the Old Testament about it, isn't it? Is there something in the Oldroved of musicals and every thought. Well, you know what I would say to that. There's something in the old testament about it, isn't it? Is there something in the old testament about musicals? I say that. The first musical ever appeared in, as a five-year-old, playing a part of Mrs. Noah.

What a musicals called Noah, written by the music teacher of my school. How very progressive, playing with gender roles, I like. Well, it was an old-boy school. Yeah. It was more just basic practicality roles than the... A man playing Mrs. Noah. Yeah. In an all-boy school production, it's simultaneously the most progressive and the most regrettive

in the nation. Do you remember any of the songs? I can't remember. There was one song called My Name Is Twiggy, which was the fact that the bird that found the little little bird. I thought, but I mean surely, he must have been called Twiggy after the fact. Yeah, brother Twig. He couldn't have been found, unless he was a specialist Twig finding dove.

I've never thought about it. I thought this was a very revisionist-take on on the old testament which featured the 1960s model twiggy No, it wasn't so I'm having a house that was London being for you. Wonderful. Thank you. Yes. I've doing shows little so her theater people are laughing It's a great show. Oh, thank you very much. It's brilliant. Thanks mate. Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Jesus Christ superstar at the open air theater. Oh, that was amazing and the three and a half hour effect that is the ferryman Which made me cry all right? I'm very surprised superstar is It's just propaganda It's very no you love it not enough fact for me

It's ambiguous about whether or not he was actually Yeah, just yeah Magician and racon, so. Ha ha ha ha. Nothing more, nothing less. Not criticizing the land. Spoken like a true Mrs. Nawa. Ha ha ha ha ha.

You expect me to clean this up Noah? Goodness me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh no, what are you like? I told you to put a shit shoot in. Ha ha ha ha ha. No. I'd digress. This is a Bugle 4,042 for the...

We're recording on the 8th of September. On this day, in the year 1504, Michael Angelo, Old Mickey Chisels himself released his new smash hit sculpture, David. He unveiled in Florence exactly 513 years ago and pulled back the curtain to reveal the sculpture and the first words he said afterwards were apparently oh shit I forgot to put his underpants on, no no, he's supposed to have underpants sorry ladies and yes that is a tattoo of a unicorn on his ankle cutting some slack, he's only young he's exploring himself it will wash off in time and in on this day in 1888 well you don't need me to tell you that that was

the day the first six football league matches were played in England. Oh wow, yep. And they've recently discovered a wax cylinder according from that very evening. I just wanted to say Alan, the villa were absolutely awful today. I know we've got a point in the walls but the manager was today in Ramsey, he's got a guy for me, Clueless Alan, hasn't won a league match and he's been in charge in 1984. And what gursum Cox was thinking when he scored that I'm gold, Alan.

He's not good enough for this level of football, albeit it is brand new. I don't know why we haven't signed someone from Margin and Seedle or something. We're going down at this right, Alan. We're going down. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

What do I always say? You never get enough credit for your access. That's nice for a man of Asian origin to be saying that to a white professional or rather than the other way around as a civil and a traditional word. I get no credit for my Asian ex. LAUGHTER Um, as always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a paradox is section. We are offering all bugleers a free paradox, but only if you promise not to take up the offer. That's Jim's from the following paradox is the philosophers' acts, the famous philosophical paradox of philosophy, which is something to do with what would happen if

if slash from guns and roses, talk Ludwig Wiggins dying to play the guitar solo from Sweet Child and Mine, would it still be the same song? Catch 22, something about an English wicketkeeper Alan Notted in the 1974-75 Ashes series. The liar paradox, famously famously based on the statement, everything I say is false, which of course, you know, can't be either true or false, but can reasonably be interpreted as, I'm probably bullshitting most of the time. And the crocodile paradox, now this is a premise that states that a crocodile's stolen a child and promises the parents that their child will be returned, If and only if they correctly predict what the crocodile will do next. The paradox being that if the parents are soft they're nuts, they're hallucinating and talking crocodile with advanced hostage and negotiation skills.

How do they even know they've got a child? And then if they do, social services should get involved. That section in the bin. Top story this week. Immigration and Brexit. Let me start Andy by saying to Tom, welcome to our country. Thank you. Now get the f*** out of our country. We did not vote leave so some gay Australian could come over here and talk about our news with a chocolate boy and his due friends. leave so some gay Australian could come over here and talk about our news with a chocolate boy and his due friends.

That's the thing with my double. What is exactly what I was going to do with John News? What have ended these American career? I think if he was chocolate boy, I mean, given the current climate it might have turned him into a stadium act. So what are they doing? They're kicking out all the, there's, there's, there's lead documents of sort of charted the kind of rules that are going to introduce in regards to the UK's approach to immigration moving forward. That's right.

Kicking out the low skilled nonces and keeping the highly skilled ones. Yeah. In, I'm hoping it's some kind of EU migrants got talent situation, series of Polish and Romanian people trying to convince Simon Cow that they should stay on the competition, that is British life. No doubt with a rock solid argument, well, you're allowed to stay and you trip nothing to this country but horror and slime,

you smug-pouting weirdo. That's my general word. The document said that the UK will remain a hub for international talent, so I actually think I'm going to be fine-nish. Oh, yes. I'm international, and I got three stars from the evening standard. I think once you get rid of all the stupid foreigners, I'm going to be like third in line to the throne.

What are my skills I hear you ask? Sarcasm. Regular bowel movements. The only kind of freedom of movement that I'm interested in. But if that's a criteria, I am down one for two. Good Lord. I'm very good at being white. Yeah, okay.

No, not for two for go, Mark. And I do have a blue tick on Twitter, which I couldn't help but notice that neither yourself nor Nish actually have any. So, but have you not got a blue tick, mate? What is a blue tick on Twitter? It couldn't help but notice that neither yourself nor niche really have a blue tick me what is a blue tick on Twitter it's a verified tick already a real person oh right I thought it was that you'd been approved by the conservative well that as well I'll be really sucking up first since this whole breaks I think yeah that's right so this late time office document has said that Britain will end freedom of movement

Immediately after Brexit there'd been some chat that there'd be some sort of a transitional period But according to this leaked document They're gonna that's gonna end immediately afterwards and there's also gonna be restrictions on EU people living in Britain already And whether they can bring family members over and it's another in the long history of Brexiteers completely contradicting themselves Daniel Hanan who is a prominent brexitier and permanent, pfft.

Pfft. Said that in June 2016 he tweeted, it was irresponsible to scare EU nationals in the UK by hinting that their status might change after brexit. No one's suggesting such a thing. This follows hot on the heels of other U-turns, when David Davis said that the EU would be in

for the rower of the summer if they didn't think we were going to talk about trade first. That's gone out of the window. And also, David Davis this week said nobody ever pretended this would be simple or easy, apart from Liam Fox, who is also a prominent prexeter who in July of this year said an EUK trade deal would be the easiest in human history. At this point, I would not be human history. I mean, I'm not, I've not got any license with that. He said that an EUK trade deal would be the easiest in human history. Right. The easiest trade deal.

Didn't mean the easiest post-Brexit EUK trade deal. Well, that is now, I believe, how we measure all human history. Right, okay. I think it's now divided into BB and AB. So it's kind of one that the government plans for for drawbridge Britain as I believe we're going to be officially done to stop all the seven billion plus bogus asylum roaming the rest of the world. Tom, sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My parents. Half of my parents. My parents.

Oh boy, oh boy. If they start kicking out immigrants, the bugle could be a sparse affair. I think it's 100 years ago, Tom's family will probably the only ones they're actually in the U.S. And then we bloody stole some bread, didn't we? It's interesting what it wasn't in it.

There was no sign of the giant 4.5 billion pound catapult that Nigel Farage had promised he would use to fire all non-brits back to whichever part of non-Britani they came from. That was disappointing. Not even details of how the government is just planning to stick Michael Gove on the white cliffs of Dover as a human force field, using the sheer force of his personality to repel all sentient beings as far away from him as possible. But nothing about, well I'm obviously Brexit is going to be bad for the environment which is good from a Brexit point of view because that deepens the moat. Is it bad for the environment because since it's happened the amount of

hot air expelled by Brexit is is actually directly contributing to climate change. It's just the heat coming off angry faces. You mentioned the changes rules about family members of the EU members can bring in. It said we proposed to define family members as direct family members only, plus durable partners, which could be bad news for the twice divorced Nigel Farage. But durable partners, Britain isn't about durable relationships. There's nothing more British than decades-long marriages infested with resentment and bitterness. Every British marriage should look and feel like a Harold Pinter play.

I've always said that. Well, this is something I'm writing about, like the UK is actually going through a geopolitical divorce and then demanding that anyone who comes in better be serious about commitment. Like, you're gonna go for it like his people in Britain this week. Musical theatre fans. Musical theatre fans. Yes. In a manner of speaking.

Jacob Reece Mog has been on the television this week. And Tom, how aware are you of the Mog Master General? I love the Mog Ment. I'm all about Mogmentum, which sounds like something that you have to cough up. I, a couple of you, he's real. He's like the embarrassing stereotype of your country. Like he's your crocodile dundin'.

Yes. Yeah. It looks like he's spirit animal is a monical. That's not a reaction review. This is it. Yeah, he does look like the protagonist in a film where an 18th century lord has fallen into an ice lake and been thawed out in the 21st century with hilarious consequences. Well, I see it.

I mean, he's not clearly, to me, he's like he's woken up in a sci-fi film. Just gets a similar scenario. Yeah. And asked the classic, what year is it? And then just refused to listen to the answer. It's 2017, Jacob. 1924, I think. He's given an interview to a Morning Breakfast Show this week where he said that his religious

views mean that he does not agree with gay marriage or abortion, even in the cases of rape and incest. Now, obviously this is not ideal, but he's been quite alarmingly praised and quite a lot of conservative newspapers for sticking to his religious beliefs. Now I would suggest that that wouldn't have been the case if his name wasn't Jacob Reese Mark, but was instead Jacob Almog Hamaday. And he was insisting on Sharia Law and Mandatory Burgers for everyone. Well, so matter of time, isn't it? Maritime.

Bound have happened. Yeah. That people, why, there is a love for him that I cannot understand, like even ironically, there's a Facebook page called Can't Clog the Mog, which I assume is the worst parody of Bruce Springsteen's Dancing the Dark Ever. Can't clog the mug, can't clog the mug, we're covered, Sparks. This mug's on fire. I guess that's what I'm gonna say about it.

I love him so much. Yeah, it's, we are, as a nation, we, I believe, This mocks on fire. I can't say that to the side. I'm going to say that. I'm going to love him so much. Yeah, we are as a nation. I believe we'll never heal any of the problems that afflict our society until we stop being delighted by people who sound like people who used to own my ancestors. That is a serious issue for us. But the most concerning thing, I mean I can sort of understand people having, you know, biblical views, if the Bible is their bag. Sure, you know, I mean, I took it from

some impressed, there's something written only two thousand years ago is in his wheelhouse. By what, just reading that bookmakers are taking spread bits on exactly when Jacob Reesmog now tipped as a potential prime minister Pulls up to the houses of Parliament in his deluvian bc 12,000 time machine with his loyal wife and at Kronyster by his side Where he's going saying valetay playbades uschoyed in it. You miss story. I forgot. I'm Again, but he's What I can't understand is how he's

Become a Tip to be a the Tory leader He was like the most popular option in a Survey on a conservative website to be there next leader. He's got he suffers from a bad case of what doctors are now referring to as Boris Johnson Itis where he's a sort of affable, seemingly affable posh guy, who sort of turns up in his kind of cartoon figure on various TV shows, but actually that masks some incredibly unpleasant and reactionary views. And he, but he's really, he is really animating support.

Like bungling rainbow. Exactly like bungling rainbow. Exactly like bungalow in rainbow. And he is getting a lot of support behind him. So there's been more developments with Activate, which is the new Tory youth movement, and new conservative youth movement, that unfortunately has a name that makes its hand like medication you prescribe for someone with constipation.

Blot up, you need Activ, now in prune flavour. It is a yoga feature isn't it? The launch of Activate is not gone well, it's Twitter account and it's Facebook account were both hacked in their first week and the hackers posted just about Activate's new support for Jacob Reesmogs, leadership bid and was just gently wreaking havoc on there. At one point, the group's Twitter account read, Activate's Twitter account came under another successful hacking attempt at 2229 today, Activate have now regained control. Then the same account replied to its own tweet, no you have it.

Then the account replied to that, seriously piss off Joshua. LAUGHTER Which I think Joshua is demonstrating the best of conservative ideologies, an entrepreneurial individual, succeeding in the marketplace of ideas, the idea being that making Tori's angry is very fun. The problem with Activate is that it's designed to sort of get young people engaged in conservatism, but what's obviously clear is that there are no young people involved in its inception. If you look at any of its marketing, which means it must be wide open to hacking because the Twitter accounts password is almost certainly password. Oh, just re-smog. It was just re-smog, yeah. The website was like open to donations so anyone

could ship in money to support the Activate cause, which was all lovely until they realized that the names would appear on the website, meaning that Activate received many 25 Pints Dodations from the likes of Harold Shipman, communism, and G.B.S.S. It does seem to me a manifestation of protest currently at large in British politics, in the post-Brix of the Terrarian world, described as the British process, which is an acronym for Beyond Rationality, inexplicable and trenchingly idiotic shit happens. And what is now described as a political age, it's got its own name, they're calling it the Eon of Accepted Obserity, absolutely anything goes, however hair-brained or horrendous or...

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I just heard out that the 20th century was something of a fluke in Britain. I like a Jeremy Corbyn to name his chanted to the tune of Seven Nation Army. Reese Mogg looks like his name will be chanted to the tune of Dead's Army. And they're calling him the Moggfather, which makes people sleep with the fishes, but only after they're married. You guys are pretty having a lot of that. And also the fishes must be a different gender to them. Yes. We cannot have this country overrun by homosexual fish. That I believe is the first point of his manifesto. That was the first draft of Churchill's will fight them on the beach.

That was the first draft of Churchill's will fight them on the beach. That was the fish. That's all the German I guess, but they leave the fish. But it was a rocky start for Activate, but I got some really exciting campaigns coming up. And I've heard about this. They're going to engage, you know, De-Youth with conservatism.

Corbin might have been a hit at Glassenbury, but waiting till you see Theresa May, busty out some sweet moves at Morris Dance Fest 2018. Plus, there's their budget spinner campaign. Few kids out there love your fidget spinners, then you'll toadstig budget spinner, which is all about using the Uber Rad mechanism of austerity to spin those budget numbers into surplus. Righteous, innit?

The Activate Twitter account also said that Jacob has the vision and competence to lead the Conservatives into the next general election and deliver a Brexit that truly works for everybody. Now, a number of other people have said so they can do this, including Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Arlene Foster, the Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhoffstapp, they've all called for a Brexit that works for all. The Uruguayan tennis player Pablo Quavas, Shabam, Issaureo, the Tajikistan Pop Singer. The late 1926 Nobel Physics Prize winner, Jean-Baptiste Péran, and Alberto Frog, the animated former orchestral impassario

from the 1970s kids TV series, Bod. Everyone wants a Brexit that works for all. But what the f*** is that? That's a roll, you know. What the f*** is a... Is it even possible? I mean, I think it is logistically impossible, in the same way that remaining could not have worked for everybody. Nothing can work for every...

Sorry, put a damper on the nature of human existence, guys. I'm sorry, I think works for everyone. But I have looked at the options for a Brexit for all, and I think there are some. Firstly, a pretend Brexit. Yeah. Politics, as discussed, is 99% perception. So we just need to tell people that we've left.

Yeah. And then that works for both sides, isn't it? Yeah. And you could even use some kind of algorithm, which for those you don't know what it is, is the modern word for witchcraft. Target the most ardent, leavey-ac voters. With emails telling them about new multi-quadrillion pound trade deals with Guatemala, or Malawi, or some wereania, or a broadest-done, and fake

news website about how we've chucked at everyone who can't prove a direct blood descendancy from Bodicea. Everyone's happy. Alternatively, option B is a, a break to the works for a five-second ceremonial breakial Brexit followed by a resumption of our membership in the EU because the referendum did not specify how long we would you leave the EU for. This is the problem with the vaguely worded referendum. We have to make it work for us. It's the Brexit equivalent just popping to the shops with some milk.

We just popped out, got some sort of rennetier now and we're back. Anyway, we leave for five seconds, everyone wins. We're better off economically. The disenfranchised voters of the younger generations and future generations get what they want. And most importantly, we still have the EU to blame for absolutely f***ing everything that goes wrong in this country. Which is what this country wants. Yeah, that is the million pound question. Sorry, the £999,000 question.

Oh, sorry, the pound's gone down again. The question is... Love an exchange, right, Joe? Oh, sorry, before we carry on with this. Well, I went to England South Africa cricket match years ago, at a time when the Rand was out of form as a currency, and the Barney Army England's musical band of cricket supporters, saying you've got to the tune of what's...

You got to Rand, to the pound, and it just went up and up over the course of what seemed like half an hour Two it was up to about 19 rounds to the pound It's just there's not enough, it's not enough It's not enough currency based, I click But the question is, after we leave the EU, because basically we spent the last 25 years blaming them for everything And the question is, after we leave the EU, who are we going to blame for the fact that our country is so shit, I have a terrible feeling I know the answer. And it's literally staring back at me in a mirror.

LAUGHTER Absolutely dreadful feeling. Hey, don't worry. Well, no, I always find a way to blame you, you know. Come on, it will never change. It's a British's tea. LAUGHTER Come on, it will never change. It's a British's tea. Ha ha ha ha ha. To all the sort of pro Brexit buglars out there.

And there are a few, and they contact me on Twitter every time I'm on the show and tell me I'm quote ruining the bucle. Please get your house in order. Because we're constantly told by Brexit is that it's not really about immigration, it's not really about raises about sovereignty. It does feel like the people driving your bus are the drunkest members of your pie. Please get your shit together for the love of all of us.

Yeah, if you're in a back seat of Felmer and Louise's car, you want them to be stone-cold so more than they'd breath that accelerate them. Let the record show that I tried to be nice. Let the record show, when you tweet me, tell me I'm rooting the bugle because of my Brexit views. Let the record show that I tried to be nice, even though what you're doing is clearly a stupid f***ing idea. Embarrassing date news now, okay, now this is on the BBC, I want to make that very clear,

okay, didn't find this down some back alley of the internet. This is on the BBC, the British broadcasting corporation. More like a Bolshevik broadcasting corporation, am I right? Very good. Woman trapped in a window after trying to retrieve poo after Tinder dates. I'll explain. A woman who threw her poo out of her date's toilet window because it would not flush had to be rescued after she got stuck trying to retrieve it. The amateur gymnast was on a first date with Bristol student, Liam Smith, when she panicked and threw the feces out of the window.

I've written no jokes for the story, guys. It did not land in the garden but became wedged between two non-opening windows. After climbing in head first after it, she became wedged. Mr. Smith had to call the fire service for help. One member of the fire service described the scene of the young woman lodged in between the windows test for the reaching for own fecal matter as a powerful metaphor of the United Kingdom's attempts

at Brexit negotiations. I like how they've got an amateur gymnast. I think that's generous. Fucking amateur gymnast. I think that's generous. Fucking amateur gymnast. I think it's much more appropriate. If you squeeze between two windows to reach your own dollop, good luck with winning gold in 2020, honey.

Also, the other crucial thing that we've all learned from this is the date that they had been on was to Nando's. Guys, this is a serious issue. Not all white people can handle Nando's. Not all whiteies can handle Nandos. Not all white ease can handle the Nand. Don't be ashamed to order lemon and herb. Hashtag not all white people can handle Nandos. But I would just see if you didn't deal Nandos it would make the a matter quite close first. Where this appears to be some kind of incredible, indestructible, durable, he seems to even matter.

Past a shop putter. I would say that he who has never... I would be pleased please finish that thought. Let he who has never taken his old feces out of an unflutching toilet and flug it out of a window at that attempt to retrieve said feces got stuck. On a first date. Cost the first time. I think we've all been there, yes.

I'm just left for finning fossils in someone's toilet. I just think he's never been to pick it up and get it airborne. Because I've seen one or two Adam Sandler movies in my time. I know how that shit plays out people. But I'm basically love springs a total. He said, you know, the woman doesn't want to be named, but Mr. Smith said he had seen her since and who knows what the future holds. Lovely story to tell at the wedding.

Yeah. How have a story for their kids as well? How did you endad me? Well, let me tell you a story You know why all our toilets in this house have industrial super flashes It's a good reason for that when did you first realize you were in love while it was when she was jammed between desperately reaching desperately reaching out for it. Bugle feature section now and God is dead!

Discuss. Well, maybe not dead, but certainly not as alive as it used to be and plummeting down down the credibility charts across the world. More than half of British people now say they have no religion. The popularity of religion and Christianity in particular is also plummeting in the world. More than half of British people now say they have no religion, the popularity of religion and Christianity and particularly also plummeting in the USA and in Australia. What I'm not on first name terms with the Almighty, I do not fear the Lord and that feeling is entirely mutual. What do you think is caused this guy? I mean, obviously, being quite complacent, particularly in this kind, from a British point of view, very few observable intercessions from the Almighty, really since 1966 when he told the lines when the board had definitely come to mind. That doesn't prove the existence of God than I don't know what it does.

And of course, there was that one time that he carried Margaret Thattrop to heaven and I would need gold and chariot, if I remember, from the coverage of her funeral in certain newspapers. But what I would say against that, Andy, is there is Paul Gascoin's slide in the semi-finals of Euro 96, which nearly resulted in a golden-gold for England. The fact that he didn't make that, surely that's proof that God does not exist. Or if he does, he f**king hates England. God, I can't. God cannot have liked that German football team.

I'd have Andy Muller in it. I guess if there is, you know, a conclusion proof of the non-existence of benevolent deity, that's not actually it. I would say, what's your view on the 1996 Euro 74? I've just told about this before on the podcast. I think we're just going over all great.

You know, I would say religious terms. I would, I still classify myself as being religious, but it's lapsed, lapsed Hindu, which I think means if I laps any further, I'd become very Hindu. But it all goes round the side. Triple mega tip. Yeah, it's triple mega tip. I would say, you know, if you're on the fence religious wise, go for Hinduism. It's great. There's loads of them. It's like X-Men Absolutely brilliant some of them blue is phenomenal stuff

Absolutely extraordinary Yeah, so the Hinduism offers more to today's demanding consumer. Yeah, well, we're huge fans of sort of sci-fi world building See the Marvel Cinematic Universe Right Hinduism's been that far, years, baby. Yeah. Why didn't the ancient Greeks had a pretty, oh my God, you should've known. Oh yeah, they had loads of good ones.

They've had gods. Yeah. The Romans and the Greeks had, I just think monotheism may not have a place in a world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Never is the true workpiece, baby. It's interesting, 53% of British adults say they don't believe in religion,

and actually 100% of gods say that at British adults say they don't believe in religion and actually 100% of gods say that at the moment they don't believe in... One God was quoted as saying, I know I flooded the world killing almost all life on earth, but Brexit? You're crazy. And yeah 43% of Americans identify as white and Christian and 100% of those people believe that Jesus also identified as both those things. Not willing to look at the difference there. I've said it once and I'll say again, no, none of the world's problem is going to be solved

until everyone realizes that Jesus looks more like me than Robert Powell. Well, I mean, it is, you know, it's a competitive market out there. Consume, today's consumers, you know, they shop around. Yeah. And maybe some of the promotional packages offered by some of the leading religions are not that attractive, particularly for, you know, women or non heterosexual people.

There's some, what unlimited fires of hell? Is that the same as all you can eat data or not? But despite the fact that we are, you know, increasingly secular, still 26 seats in the House of Lords for bishops. Wow. Is it time to reassess this and maybe split them according more to what people maybe have you know some bishops and then maybe 23 seats for fashion vloggers. Just the way we should be going. Or football

pundits. Lord Shira. The 0.1% quarterly growth is just not good enough. Got to do better than that at this level. But how can you sit in a place called the House of Lords? I'm sorry, I still am reeling from watching AdDisulter would use the phrase Fashion Vloggers. It's like finding out a cat can use chopsticks. Fashion vloggers. V-loggers, am I saying that right? Sorry, Tom, that's alright. I just, how can you see it in a place called the House of Lords when you believe it in actual law? It's like a satinist working in a health-eating theatre restaurant being like, oh yeah, I believe in bills about everything, but I love dress ups but also I think when it comes to the House of Lords and modernization let's not start pulling at that thread because that does not

ed well I think noting the bishops in the House of Lords as a problem is a bit like finding a tie-par with mine camera I'm not religious I'm and but I'm not saying that if you are religious that you're an idiot or anything I'm thinking that There's even worse news for religion because it turns out that Facebook has now overtaken Islam Right in terms of it's a daily users I Don't really understand what because I mean I didn't realize that it was an either-or

situation between Facebook or Islam, I didn't realise. But on the other hand, I have not read the terms and conditions of Facebook. It is very possible that in addition to owning our photographs, they forced us to renounce any previous gods we may or may not have believed in. You can't tag Muhammad in anything. Yeah, you can. Glad by boys, Facebook's ISIS. Well, it's like a religion in a lot of ways, isn't it? Doesn't pay tax? Yeah. I feel makes you feel shit about yourself.

Love's watching everything you do, and it was started by a horny loner. Kind of make sense. Until Mosques and Churches start providing information about what your exes up to and links to sites they'll owe you to find out which Gilmore girls you are, they're probably not going to compete in the place. But then I would say that because I'm such a rory. In other religion news, there's a very exciting new computer game called Fight of Gods, in which you can make Jesus beat up Buddha.

I mean, I was thinking just what the world needed right now was more things involving clashes of religious, real or otherwise. I mean, obviously, Jesus, you're going to back, you're're gonna back Jesus to take on Buddhas, what my knees not? He's above his fighting weight with all giver's work. But that's the problem It depends on which incarnation of the Buddha you go for because the younger Buddha He's not out there, so yeah So you're only before the Buddha died on the toilet, don't let him know that

That's not the Ken Maxpeck He won't Buddha the Hound Dog years We're only before the gun. Buddha died on the toilet. I'm not a bit of a no-no backspot. I'm not a gun, Max. He won't put the, the Hound Dog years. What a sick on that one. He's got bio's best in many ways. I do love the fact that someone has thought, oh, if only there was a way to find out what would happen when religions would fight each other. There is a way, it's called the entire history of everything.

I got for his use myself. Oh thunderbolts. Shocking down. Unplayable thunderbolts like a peak here are currently ambros. What are the moves that they've got? What are in Jesus? Because Jesus is solely a pacifist. Just turning like just multiplying bread and throwing that at the mother. As opposed to notorious warmonger the Buddha. If anything, these are the two worst gods to have face-off with each other. Jesus would be, you'd have to just turn the other cheek, constantly. Yeah, exactly, just constantly turning the other cheek.

Jesus would be sort of turning water into wine and trying to get Buddha drunk and defeating that way. Hey, Buddha, have this, some of this delicious water, it's definitely water. Well, Buddha just sits and meditates and tries to reach it. In my experience, when Jesus turned water into wine, it was uncolored wine. So, what else first? Clear wine.

I can't believe that's the bit of that story you're struggling with the plausibility of the olds' olds' women. Magician, you said it before, isn't it? It's my damn liar. That's not a vodka to me. What a night out that would be. Absolutely lashed in the Nazareth weather spoons. Jesus is on the bodies.

Just some quick royal news. Prince George, the five-year-old professional proto-monarchical overlord, who has exclusively revealed on the bugle in when everyone was born. Was it 2012 or 2011? I mean you're looking for the wrong guys else. Popped out of the royal womb is a natural fully functioning automatic prince, whose a princely baby puke of course when spread on penguins wings turns them into eagles. He had his first day at school.

I'm sure there's big news in Australia as well. Huge, huge. Yeah, of course you guys love them. Love them mate. Yeah. Well how did it go for the young role in future King of Gibraltar? Well, it went sensationally well. Every time the prince answers a question at his new school, the teacher has to tell him

he's got it right. Or a night in the arm will take that teacher to the Tower of London from media execution. After each correct answer which, as said, is all of them, 12 trumpeters, honka quick blast of God save the Queen. No schoolboy. It will be treated as a normal boy apart from his sake could write to jaust, which he is entitled to do in the school playground in any school corridors longer than four meters and in the school hall, whilst riding one or more of a horse, a bicycle, a dragon or a royal motorbike.

And on his first day he jaffered four-year-old Amelia Scrogriffe off a bench with a giant pencil. During lunch, whilst the other boys and girls were eating chicken nuggets, Prince George simply looked at his plate and turned it into a rusted swan. He was named Man of the match in his class football game after the ball landed on one of the spikes of his crown got stuck and he just like totalled into the goal for the winner he has a constitutional right to play for Chelsea whenever he demands by the way and he's also allowed to own one boy his personal equity in the school he chose five-year-old Blatron

Dullip the other children in the class technically belong to the crown and all profits from them will be clouded back into the development of a new Wi-Fi enabled sector. Text free. There will be updates on Georgia's schooling every week for the next 13 years here, only on the bugle, the official podcast of the Saxa Cobote Goat, the Windsor Royal did a stir. Andy, if you're trying to get beheaded, you are going the right way about it. I love the royal family. They are great people.

Please don't deport me. 100 years ago this week, they changed their family name to Windsor from Saxo-Cobo Goether because of the old ding-dong, but they were a bit of a journey. So, 1917. No rush. No rush. No rush on that one.

That's three years into the first world war. Over on the fence, but three years. And Lord, this ding dong is really kicking off. The first world ding dong. It was a shaman'sle. Give it its technical term, Andy. First world ding dong was part of my Edinburgh show for next year. That's it, we've run out of time. Thank you for your emails, we did send them and we'll

read some of them another time out loud into a microphone. Thanks so much for coming. No worries. You got your TV show. Yeah, so, these may be interested given that I was bugling a lot after returning from places like Brazil and the Philippines. The travel show that I was making there. Why don't you not go with Mongolia in that list? Oh, yeah, there's Mongolia as well. There's top of that list.

Yeah, Mongolia was top of that list. I did view, but I think I bugled the morning I arrived from Brazil. I think that's why it's very fresh in my brain. But yeah, there was Montenegro as well. That is on the 18th of September on UK TV in Concomedy Central. It is also available internationally, but there's probably no point in me telling you

as the people who are interested will have already downloaded it. Through some nefarious means. But yeah, it's called Joel and Nishvers is the one and it's the travel show that I'd been talking about earlier in the year on the VU. And if you want to plug, top of your nearly finished your running London. Yeah, pretty much finished up. You missed out losers too bad. No, thanks. A young gentleman came along to the show and said that he heard me on this very show and inspired him to

come and be disappointed. In my comedy live. But I have a podcast called Like I'm a Six-Year-Old and I've been chatting to lovely people like Jeff Norcott and Owen Jones is an upcoming guest on that show Oh, lovely! So yeah, if you like politics-y stuff without all this nonsense that you'll find here on the big old, then check that out please! There was an unfortunate snafu in your recent interview with Ahia Shah

I don't know what you're talking about but I confused his material with yours I mean, come on! Come on! Don't make a big deal about it! We're taking our country back, Nish. We're taking our country back. I don't have time to learn all the different names at Angles.

Jesus. Bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger. Good stuff. Yep. So, do you have something to plug? Well, I was having to plug my American tour dates, but they appear to be still more up in the air than would be ideal at this stage. What's the, I mean, I imagine it's what?

Shae Stadium. Shae Stadium is off the agenda, I think. White House, Madison Square, Madison the Garden. I will be, I'll be performing in the agenda. White House, Madison Square, Madison the Garden, I will be I'll be performing in the garden, only in a boxing capacity. Conor McGregor's got to fight someone's else. Hopefully, hopefully next week it'll be from sort of mid-October by the looks of it. The live-viewgall King's place next week is on the 17th Sunday the 17th It's an afternoon show Afternoon

Yeah It's a nice sort of gentle way to do it Gentile Gentile I mean, let's go Gentile Yeah, why not? Do you have another gig that you need to get to? 10 minutes after that one finish

I'm not like the one in the I'm not gonna give it a ride in the taxi It's a three people There was a Due to bad planning There was a due to bad planning. There was a 10 minute gap between the life people in my last solo show. And then...

Solzman, you bad planning! Oh, I'd hear the, I'd hear any of it. Andy, what do you think of radiotopia? Radiotopia is absolutely awesome. And the night foundation, equally equally if not more so yeah Just mentioning both of them has given me a full erection you