The Bugle - Bugle 4045 – Calendar means Calendar

Episode Date: October 7, 2017

Andy is joined by Nish and Alice to ponder just how awful the Conservative conference has been for Theresa May. They also try to make sense of a grim week for the USA. Bugle love to our Vegas listeners.PLUS: What mythical creature would Donald Trump most like to get funky with? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, the youth lose! And welcome to issue 4,045 of the bugle the world's only and longest running audio newspaper for this quite visibly visual world.

The newscast that Philicy looks truth square in the face and says, no, not for me. I am Andy Zoltzman, freelance warlord, business I will admit is far from brisk in South London, I am considering relocating off your, and I am joined this week by representatives of both of the world's two greatest, latitude and lead defined hemispheres. Firstly, joining me here in London, from the Northern Hemisphere, it's the man who is to the bugle what Queen Elizabeth II is to wrestling a rhinoceros in that he does it about once a month and does it very well. It's Nish Kumar!

Hello, Andy! Hello, Viewglers! I was very excited to know where that energy was going. I only could have gone in so many different ways. You've only got in so many different ways. Given that you and I have both modeled our haircuts after that particular queen. You're absolutely right. It could have gone in any direction. I wear my patriarchs and squally on parts of my hair.

All of my head these days, but anyway. So welcome there. It's been a while since you've worked. Yeah, it's been a while. I've been, it's been, it's been a tricky week for me Andy. Yeah. I was the victim of a cyber attack. Were you?

Yes. Basically, I've got a 13 yearyear-old and an 11-year-old cousin, and they have worked out that they are able to edit my Wikipedia page. And so, without wishing to lose perspective on these things, all hell has broken loose. My Wikipedia page lists me as Nishant and then in InvertCommerce Nish Kumar, because Nishant was my full name. That quickly became Nishant and then in invert comers Nish Kumar because Nishant was my full name. That quickly became Nishant Madame Lily Kumar, which was only wrestling name. Yeah, which is a quote only my, my wrestling name is

chocolate poison Andy and I think you even know I'm buzzing you that. But they started calling me Madame Lily about six years ago and Alex, you might be able to help me with this because they offer on Australia and I had assumed that it was a character in an Australian TV show and then my and Alex, he might be able to help me with this because they are from Australia and I'd assumed that it was a character in an Australian TV show. And then my uncle told me, no, it's not. They've just made up a weird character called Madame Lily.

They also alleged that I weighed... It was not a Lou Reed song. Yeah. Madame Lily was one of the characters in Walk on the Wildside, yes. But they also alleged that I weighed a total of seven million billion kilograms. That's putting me at the weight of a small star. They were swiftly wore.

They were both given a swift warning by Wikipedia, which they didn't really care about because they were too busy laughing in my face. But unfortunately, in the melee, someone else in the process, doctored by Wikipedia page, to say that I appeared in season two of E4's tattoo fixes, in which I had a tattoo that I had done on a Lads holiday to Laraschelle covered up. The original tattoo was of a crudely drawn stickman with a speech bubble saying a sexual swear word positioned on his inner thigh. He then had it covered with a picture of a wolf in a hat and trousers. That is still unwikipedia. I do not

understand how that website's filtration system has not caught it. I mean Andy Wikipedia's facts, Neneesh, this means you have to actually get that tattoo now. That's a law. Yeah, I mean we need to check we do need to check whether Whether this is in fact fact true Mr. Andres you do the honest. Oh My God We should move on Never moving on from this.

And well you've already heard her on the other end of the line. Before she's even been introduced from the Southern Hemisphere, it currently in Los Angeles, the city of angels, although it appears some non-angels have infiltrated that city. It's Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, I am in a hotel room in Los Angeles in a robe because some irrational part of my psyche believes that my pajamas are unsuitable for radio. Right.

You know, it's just difficult. As you know Andy, I'm sure it's difficult doing comedy with your webs out. So... Testify sister. So much nudity so early on in this podcast. In a break with tradition, I'm actually doing the bugle cloth now. After tattoo gate. So what are you doing in Los Angeles?

Are you voicing a smurf's moving? Surely. I wish Andy. Just a matter of time for both of you, based on previous bugle. I can't wait to be the first brown smurf. Oh, sorry, that was my wrestling name. Brown smurf, I apologise. Well, there's only one lady smurf, you know.

Is that true? Which, it must be very uncomfortable for her. Did she marry into it as well? She married Lord Smurf. I don't understand. How can there only be one lady smurf? Yeah, you're right. It's just point B, isn't it?

Is it? And he don't tell me you haven't watched your friend and former co-workers. I have it queued up. Once I've watched the love guru, I will move straight onto Smurf's one. Even I've seen the love guru. But that's only because it was such a valuable and honest representation of my culture. Wasn't there a period at Andy's life shows where people actually used to give you copies? Yeah, I do have a second.

I do have one. No, I have two copies of the love guru on DVD, one legitimate one pirate job, I believe it's the only pirate copy of the love guru in existence. Well, appropriately enough that bring us on to this week's section in the bin. Today is the 6th of October, so this is the bugle for the week being in the 9th of October, on the 6th of October 1927 was the opening of the jazz singer, the first prominent talky movie, in which of course laid the foundations for the love guru and the smurfs, movies with words being spoken in.

And so we have a special bugle film section going in the bin. And well, it's October and therefore all eyes turned to the ancient Christian festival of Halloween, which we may have erroneously reported in previous bugles as having its origin in Jesus' teenage years, when as a 15-year-old trying out a new miracle he turned his friend Isaac's head into a pumpkin. That has now been disproven. But anyway, Halloween films coming out and we preview this year's smash hit Halloween films, including Pumpkull Stilltskin,. Live action modernised adaptation of their classic Brothers Grimm Fairytale in which a large, angry, orange vegetable blackmail's a young

female city trader called Miller who has been promised she'll be made partner of the firm and the boss's wife if she can spend worthless text stock into multi-million dollar profits. Pumpkull Stiltkin helps me work the markets in exchange for her first born child, which is a city trader. She isn't that fast about. She hands over the child willingly to Pumpkall Stiltkin and the rest of the film follows the giant Pumpkin newborn baby unlikely double act as the cranky squash zooms around the States trying to avoid having his insides ripped out, a crude face carved into a skin and

candle stuffed inside him. Buegel rating, two stars. Also, County Chris, this is the Buegel record for the fastest I've had my head in my hands. Also, trick or treat, classic medical blackmail thriller, in which a rogue doctor on Halloween night threatens to infect the president with the infectious roundworm influence disease Trichinosis and as he provides him with access to the transient reactor test facility or is it's known for short treat the renowned graphite moderated thermal spectrum test nuclear reactor in Idaho I mean that assess really got to be worth seeing and White House, in which an evil witch named Skrakeeta takes possession of the soul of the president

and makes him do a series about landish and horrifying things. That is all set to be one of the classic modern documentaries and was filmed over the first eight months of this year. Also in the Bugle Film section, an exclusive interview with the star young British director, Gralard Hollistern, about his forthcoming smash hit movie, The Prince of Tides, a remake of the Oscar-nominated 1991 Barbara Strison classic. Holy mother of god you are playing fast and loose with the word classic there, aren't you? And finally, in the bin as films get more and more expensive to see in cinemas, we give you tips on how to save money.

Are you keen to see the latest action blockbuster but don't want to fork out cinemas prices? Simply close your eyes imagine another action blockbuster that you've seen before for 90 minutes or so but with a slightly faster chasing bigger explosions and even shiter dialogue. There you go, you've saved yourself 20. And well this is the bugle for the 6th of October. Some historic anniversaries. In 1582, this day did not exist in large parts of Europe because of the implementation of the Gregorian calendar,

Italy, Poland, Portugal and Spain all skipped the 6th of October. Is that true? Yep. Well, in fact, they skipped from, they went straight skipped the 6th of October. Is that true? Yep. Well, in fact, they skipped from, they went straight from the 4th to the 15th Thursday, the 4th of October, 1582 was followed by Friday the 15th of October, 1582. Really?

They made up the lag due to the inaccurate measurement of years. Where are you getting that information from? That's very much well known fact. Is it really? That is a well known fact. I hope it's not Wikipedia, because Bear in mind that website currently says I've got a tattoo of the stick man.

It's also, I know he would. And one of the great traditions of Bueber Wikipedia editions dating back to, I mean, it was right, within the first couple of months, I think we encourage our listeners to get a bit creative with the Bueber Wikipedia page. And there are some relics of that still lurking around nukes of the internet including me being listed as a bushooon player on a bony m album. Well I'll again throw open the doors to all the bugleers to do your worst with my Wikipedia page. I can have another guy at the bugle page I think but they're slightly hotter on that kind of thing

than they used to be. I've only recently got a Wikipedia page, so I'm still sort of in awe of the fact that I exist on the internet. I'm very excited by it. Bugle is consider that and open it. So if you can get banned quicker than a 13 year old and an 11 year old. Not that Wikipedia isn't obviously a massively useful source of information like you say. Yes. You're mentioned of the film Trick or Treat earlier on.

Yep. About the risk of tricking a noses, the risk of death from infection is actually low. Right. So why would you, I mean, I'm not trying to pick holes in your plot. Look, mate. But why would my plot,

what I'm just playing the, I just need a hook. I cannot believe the number of hours Chris that you have sat and listened to Andy and this is the first quam you've had. It's a plough. Oh, Chris is slap. Oh, I think you might have snapped last week. I'm not complaining. All right, 58. France followed skipping the 11 days to bring the calendar up

to date later in 19582, along with what is now Belgium and Holland. But Britain only adopted the Gregorian calendar in 1752. Classical. We hung on to the Julian calendar for another 170 years and do not think now, we have to ask, given the age of Brexit that we live in, is it time for Britain to ditch this Euro calendar that we never got a chance to vote for

and go back to the Julian calendar that made this country great. Yes I do. British time for British people by which I mean slightly behind everyone else. I'm not the name's calendar. Calendar means calendar exactly Alex. I'm not having some unelected urocraft tell me what day it is. And on this day in 1974 43 years ago today a little boy was born in London England who would go on to be reading the sentence to you yes it's my 43rd birthday today.

It's my birthday today. Let's let my birthday. How is that? I've been birthday. Let's let my date of birth which I'm in showbiz that's a big mistake. Let's say I was born on 6th October 1984, I'm young and I'm ripped. And if any of you are trying to hack into my bank accounts, my mother's maiden name is Alma Hammady. Top story this week and Theresa May has given one of the greatest speeches in the history of the art of rhetoric Nish as our official Theresa May speech correspondent what a what are you just bring the bugles up to date in case they miss the lurk glory It was Alice and the we've all had bad gigs. We've all we're all stand-up comedians, we've all had bad gigs. I'm thinking specifically in the case of me and Andy,

all to shot 2012 and a gig I did about six months ago where a man used the phrase, you sir, or a f***. But... Which really invalidated his use of the word sir. Yes. But this was something else. Theresa May was giving a speech at the Tory party conference,

which is a sort of annual gathering that every political party has. Party Conference itself, something of a contradiction in terms, a little bit like fun audit, soothing nut shot, or President Trump. But it's where an annual gathering of the political party, and this is a big opportunity for Theresa May. She's had a rough old time of it, largely through circumstances of her own making. But this was an opportunity for her to set the record straight, reestablish herself as a dominant leader at the party in Prime Minister of this country. And I believe the technical term for what happened next was, she f**ked it right up the shitter. Oh my word. It was, the speech was an abject disaster. I mean, I don't even know where to start with this.

I guess we have to start with the fact that she had a coughing fit, which resulted in her having to stop the speech in the middle, and the Chancellor Philip Hammond having to climb over a couple of seats to deliver a coughsuit to her. It resulted in several pauses in the speech, which the Tory party faithful desperately tried to fill by giving her an impromptu standing ovation. I mean, that is the living definition of an easy gig, getting a standing ovation. Just because you're... Just getting a horror standing ovation, or were they giving her coughing fear, a standing ovation? It's actually difficult to say given the behavior of some of them in the weekly, to go up to the speech. And also, the speech was then interrupted by comedian and prankster Simon Broadkin, who

had managed to get fully accredited as a party member and managed to get down the front during the Prime Minister's speech and hand her a fake P45 form, essentially informing her that she was going to be fired. And as he was led away by the police, who presumably were out having a sandwich for the previous 15 minutes. As he was being led away, he was shouting, Boris told me to do it because of the various leadership sort of challenges that Boris Johnson appears to have been issued in coded messages in national newspapers. All in all, a total cluster. Yeah, man, that's in terms of speech is going shitly bingo.

She was really maxing out straight up. I mean, the question we all are asking is, did she shit herself? Right, because that's the only way. That's the only way it could have been any worse, is if she just fully shit herself. Right, I mean, I did expect to once, when you mentioned the police,

I think they were probably distracted by being about to storm the stage and arrest Theresa May to stop her attacking herself. Right, I mean I did expect to once when you mentioned the police I think they were probably distracted by being about to storm the stage and arrest Theresa May to stop her attacking herself anymore. She was, I mean she was posing a clear threat to the Prime Minister. That is her biggest problem. It's not challenges within her own party, It's not the actions of stand-up comedians. Nobody undermines Theresa May. More than Theresa May. I just think it's a natural consequence of what happens when you do a say-ance and invite the angry spirits of conservatives past to inhabit you. She's literally embodying the state of British politics and the ghosts of dead, gouty old politicians clearing their throats disapprovingly through her hollow flesh prison. That is the best explanation of, yeah.

That is no one has got closer than you, Alice, to explain what went on. And then the sort of, I mean, the shit cherry on the fecal cake was during the speech. There was a backdrop that said, I think it said, building a better country for everyone. And during her speech, the F in for everyone fell off. The only way that could have gone better is if the O would fall in out of the country. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. I mean, arguably that would have at least been funny. This just looked vaguely threatening also I cannot emphasize this enough f off The F fell off

If you put that in a play script or a film script you would be accused of a heavy hand-ditness beyond belief Well, this makes me think there was no way these letters falling off was genuinely accidental. There is no, I'm for start. Let's listen to some of the explanations given. Yeah. One conservative saying that the reason I fell off was because there had been too many standing evidences.

But they might as well have said the letters simply swooned at the raw political eroticism of another culture falling on employment figures. But it's some... That is the honour, you're too good at sex, we have to stop. Yeah, yeah. Politics. There's nowhere. Have you ever seen a letter fall off a backdrop before during a... No, never. That was about as accidental as Lauren and Hardy dropping that piano down- down those steps. That was more orchestrated than a room full of 18 violinists, some cellists,

some clarinetists, some trumpeters, some flautists, a couple of things you know where this joke is going. But anyway, the point is no way this could be accidental. Someone is clearly out to him and probably hadn't thought, oh she's probably going to have a massive coughing fit and be stage invaded by a comedian as well. So probably in itself, I don't know, you used to have nice, look at that. That was a bit crap.

I think you've missed the key point here, Andy. Which is that clearly, they should have got a Polish workman to put that sign out. He's great irony. The great irony. They tried to buy British and ended up with slap dash work. Yeah. But I mean, you think of all the times letters could have fallen off backdrops and haven't. You know Joseph Stalin, he had huge crowds at a lot of his gigs, did he ever end up

standing in front of a of letters on a wall saying the union of Soviet a list pubics? Did that happen? No, no, yeah, I said idea, you're 500, just Kim Jong-un finished one of his gig standing in front of all hail dear leader, Commander in Chef, who descended from the lever of the f***ing tea. And he said 500,000 people marching at the same time whilst nuclear test blasting underneath the stage. Well, actually, just to correct your facts a little bit there, and his name was originally Kim Jong-Sung. He just wrote it out. He just doubled it out.

It was, I mean, it was a complete disaster from start to finish. And there are now serious questions being asked of the conference security because Simon Rodkin, who is a comedian who I imagine is known to you as well. Yeah, he's a, I think he might even be one of the many comedians who have at one point been my support act and gone on to bigger and better things. Well, he certainly really fluffed his slot supporting to resume. He did get to him when he was quite new on the circuit, but he's got quite a history of... He does, yeah, because he was actually caught up fee for throwing money at set bladder. I think he tried to pull a prank on Donald Trump. He gave him swastika in blazoned golf balls.

That's right. So apparently according to reports emerging the last couple of days, he used his real name on his accreditation. So nobody bothered googling him. And somehow he managed to get so close to the Prime Minister that he could hand her a piece of paper without anyone sort of rugby tackling him.

I mean, I know that there are several British stand-up comedians who would like to see some of rugby tackle get rugby tackled, but that's mainly due to the fact that he is no tourist for overrunning his slot at mixed bill gigs. But it is a genuine concern that he was able to get in in the first place and be able to get within touchy distance of the Prime Minister. And what's worse is that she took the form from him. She actually accepted the heckle. Right. I mean is the impact was slightly reduced as a piece of, as a piece of, you know, performance satire by other factors. Firstly, the fact that Mrs. May was already being satirized by her own throat. Physically remembering this spluttering incoherence

and unconvincingment of her government's Brexit strategy. And the fact that Boris Johnson's signature on the P-45 was clearly faked. Yeah, I mean, that's, you know, they could have just, they could have just gotten any job fit. You can get his, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's an autograph on the internet. Along with his mother's maiden name and his childhood pet, that was a newtical f***ing dumb. And you can have a reasonable

stab at his password too. I reckon it's probably King Boris I the first. I strongly suspect Boris's password is considerably more racist than that. And the P-45 form, that's the form you get given when you're sacked basically by your employer. Ironically, P45 was also the 16th option in a multiple choice quiz at the Tory conference and answer the question, how many more days will Theresa maybe prime minutes before?

P45. People said, this speech was described as a car crash. I think that gives the wrong impression of speed and modernity. It was more like someone driving a horse drawn Victorian horse carrying a coffin full of heavy rocks very slowly and deliberately into a swamp. Perfect visual metaphor for Brexit Britain. Okay, so look, she had a cough, you can't help that, that happens to everyone. She was a victim of a prank cough you can't help that that happens to everyone she was a victim of a prank You can't help that to happen to her. No, it's gonna. It's gonna. It's gonna. It's gonna. It's gonna. It's gonna.

Reminds someone to do something. I think she had a big set piece planned. I think she was saying The increased rate of of employment Provides young hope. Uh, provides hope to the young people of... How are you f***ing idiot? You missed your cue to release the f***ing flock of f***ing parakeets. Sorry, long time. Are you suggesting she was queuing Broad Kid in and he was like... Oh, maybe not Broad, I think she was definitely queuing in the parakeets. Come on, get the P-45 on.

I haven't got enough stuff. Oh, publicity is good, publicity. The actual content of the speech itself was as bad as it's delivery. Well, she kept on banging on about the British dream, which was clearly the sort of buzz word of the conference of what they were trying to get the buzz word across as. But the British dream, I think she was trying to invoke

the idea of the American dream, but it's not something we really have in our cultural conversation, we don't really identify what the British dream involves. Well, I mean, I have now identified what we want the British dream to involve. If you really want to engage with the British public by establishing the idea of a British dream, what it involves is mild weather, punctual public transport, a hotline specifically designed for you to call in and have someone listen to your minor complaint, a tasset agreement that sex whilst undeniably fun should never be spoken of in public and the ability to get blind drunk without any hangovers. That truly

is the British dream. I think you've misrepresented it, Nish. I would also add to that, whilst I was all valid parts of it, that is not the complete British dream. I would also add picnics with marmalade, people singing hymns before looking at a daffodil and eating a scum. At some point, producing a two-footed midfielder who's comfortable getting and giving the boy a touch of wages and the merciless commercial exploitation of Africa and Asia. That was a pretty strange mission.

As you should well know. I'm living the British dream right now. I was the under the impression that British people didn't dream at all that they just sort of regretted colonies past. Alice, you are sadly mistaken. If by regretted colonies past, you'd be regretted not having colonies we had in the past, then yes, that is exactly what I meant. That is 100%.

I wasn't good when we owned India, that kind of thing. Yeah, bad luck, Lads. There were some interesting tips on how to deal with a croquis voice during a performance. The famous radio 4, announcer Neil Nunes, who has one of the most distinctive and absurdly deep radio voices you will ever hear. Yes, he does. He tweeted that the Prime Minister should have spoken more softly. Gone for us a slightly more late night tone.

So just take a moment, pause, drink, and it'll come back. Very much the Boris Yeltsin take it. LAUGHTER Well, once he's solved this, did Boris Yeltsin ever fail to complete a speech? Judged him by his results. What a part of it. Did he spend 36 hours asleep on an airplane at one point?

LAUGHTER And a confidence coach on that was a report on the BBC website suggesting that she should have hummed to warm up her vocal chords. Which, having great in the middle of the speech, wasn't it? Hang on, hang on, everyone. Before I get to the stuff about post-Brexit trade. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm to do is to release your shoulders, ground your feet and slightly bend your knees, which are also the instructions you're supposed to give a chicken before it lays an egg. Oh my god.

This is such a shit show. We are so f***ed. Another explanation for the coughing is that I think she was doing a classic kind of bullshit cough, you know, she was calling bullshit on herself. That's good. Bullshit. Bullshit. You suggested Theresa May said like, Doctor Strange loves it, you know, shit. Colin.

Yeah. Colin. Yeah. T-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R To resume has defended her decision not to sack Boris Johnson for making public demands about her Brexit policy, arguing that she does not want a cabinet of yes men, and saying that she was showing strong leadership by having a diverse range of voices around the cabinet table. Sure, if by diverse you mean out-of-shape old white men who agree on most things, but occasionally have an ego-fuel tantrum about exactly how best to screw over the country. Also, as a side note, if you have to say you're showing strong leadership, you probably are. That's the kind of thing you want. Somebody else

saying for you, perhaps some sort of yes-men characters, or ideally it should be indicated by actual evidence. So it's a bit like an excessive display of devotion to a spouse. Yeah. Generally the sign of something dodgy's going on. But when the Taj Mahal this looks weird. Oh yeah. If you're happy on Instagram, you're not happy in your life.

Boris said some extraordinary things is why people are calling for him to be sacked. So I'm curious comments he made about the Libyan city of Sirts, which he said British business people have got a brilliant vision to turn Sirts into next Dubai, um, reach for the stars. And um, the only thing they've got to do is clear the dead bodies away. Before laughing, um, apparently, uh, yeah, and being received with laughter by the people in that room, it's quite an extraordinary, audio recording. I mean, that is as good a reason to fire the f***ing. Like,

that is, that he should be bounced back to his original job, which I guess is either rugby tackling children or being our worst national stereotype. In a tragically predictable American news, a man has opened fire on a crowd in Las Vegas in what www.massshootingtracker.org accounts as the 273rd mass shooting in America this year. I'd like that that website exists and by like, I mean, it makes me cry, that that website exists with 456 people wounded and 69 dead in October alone. This makes October the bumper month for this year,

despite it only having been October for a week. I think gun control is the hideous mullet on the head of America, which large portions of the country insist really suits them. Talking about gun control in America is like, awkwardly trying to suggest they should probably get a better haircut, but they're all like, my founding dad says it makes me look pretty.

I think if Sandy Hook was not enough to make Americans change their mind about guns, nothing else will. It's like you've gone on a first date, and they've already thrown up on you, called their ex-girlfriend Toxic, told you about their criminal record, reminisced about that time they were abducted by aliens, and had mentioned some severe erectile dysfunction issues and you've decided to take them home anyway, only to find out that they have extremely disconcerting body hair grooming choices.

It's upsetting but you can hardly be surprised. It's completely insane to love guns, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and the heart can have what the heart wants, especially if what the heart wants is a bullet in it. Now without wishing to go on too much of a limb and acknowledging that as a British person, I cannot fully understand the rights and wrongs of ignoring deeply harrowing gun death statistics for political and economic reasons. Nor, however, felt the deep freedom-fuel joy

of communing with my forebares across the centuries by unloading a semi-automatic and a shooting range. So we can't really relate to this, but the evidence does without wishing to jump the 300 million guns seemed to be mounting up, but maybe, just maybe, American needs to reassess the optimum number of annual slangs it should be trying to achieve. And even the NRA in the wake of this latest horrific atrocity appear to be slightly softening their stance on mass death for all um the trouble for time they are the humanitarian's none of us think they're

f***ing us I think in a country where everyone has guns and it doesn't look like they're likely to decide to put them in the bin it makes sense that you would also want a country where everyone has guns, and it doesn't look like they're likely to decide to put them in the bin, it makes sense that you would also want a gun, because everyone has guns and they're all completely terrifying. I talked to a taxi driver here who told me he was an actor, and he's never got a role even though he's been an LA for 25 years trying to be an actor. If that guy can have zero grip on reality and access to a gun, I also want to have another gun. The NRA CEO Wayne Lapierre, which is an unusually gallic name, someone who closed me up holding

American freedom, was interviewed on Fox obviously, and he instead of sort of naming the Democrats he went quite specific and consistently named Schumer and Feinstein before going on to criticise the monsters in Chicago. Now, that could not be more of a dog whistle if he was literally blowing a dog whistle. Like, he's criticising two of the most Jewish sounding Democrats and the monsters in the largely African-American city of Chicago. F**k you, Wayne Lepa. Obviously, you cannot legislate for murderous lunatics

other than through legislation. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I've been a little more far-sighted and added a sub-claw saying obviously guys use your f***ing common sense. If only that. Fortunately, however, they were wise enough not to add a second and a half amendment, guaranteeing in unquestioning perpetuity the right to eat delicious, unpasteurized cheeses, which are two most intense and purposes illegal in America, which has saved hundreds of thousands, if not trillions of Americans from being slain by intensely flavored camembert, or the sole enhancing depth of a prime mimilette, or even a cave-aged,

combat strength cabralism, the rugged mountains of northern Spain, the cheese that can turn a boy into a man, and a man into a cow-sheep goat crossbreed super milk cheese-n-a-m-l. So, when it's lucky, it does, they do some of the slightly got those two priorities wrong for me. And I do know a lot more about unpasterized cheese than I do know about semi-automatic firearms. And I don't think you understand the American psyche.

If they allowed unppasturized cheeses, people would be inventing attachments to their cheese dispenser that would shoot thousands of rounds of unpasturized cheese into their mouth at the time. Alice, just so you know that last day, which has caused Andy sort of glaze over wistfully. Oh yeah. My greatest unpastorised cheese moment. On which there are many. This could be a new regular section on the view. The day my wife and I discovered that she was pregnant for the first time, we went to celebrate a very fine restaurant in South London.

And I ordered the unparstorised cheese board dessert, and she had to watch me eat. Oh my god! A platter of superlative cheeses. Did you wash it down with a full bottle of pour? On top of the situation in Las Vegas, there's the ongoing crisis in Puerto Rico. This truly has been a tough week for the 45th President, both in chronology and quality. I mean, Trump really is making a bush look like FDR or Harrison Ford in Air Force One, who I think we can all agree are the two greatest presidents of all time.

After a lot of prevaricating, Trump has finally gone to Puerto Rico and good news. He went and didn't call it Porto Rio. So that is immediately one in the W column. Oh, I'm sorry. Bad news, the Washington Post, this is a converberta extract of their reporting of his time. Trump passed out yellow bags of rice and then started tossing rolls of towels into the crowd as if he was shooting free throws.

The crowd laughed and cheered him on. When he contemplated doing the same with cans of chicken, the crowd gently told him no. He had to be informed that it was not a good idea to fling tin cans. A crowd of people who have been forcibly evacuated from their homes due to a hurricane. We are through the looking glass, yeah.

What the fuck is going on? I know. What has happened? We're not just through the looking glass, I think we're smashing the looking glass at our own faces. I'm, you know what I said? Have you guys seen the video of this?

Yes. Uh, he seemed to be loving it actually. He did seem to be loving it. At least too many ex-cultimation marks on Twitter this week. Far too much. I mean, that's, I mean, not the biggest gripe I have of it. But in the aftermath of a massive tragedy, cut the ex-cultimation mark. He is, well, he basically went to Puerto Rico and fought natural disaster and human tragedy with his trademark Trumpic brand of Peavisia relevance, political onanism and over Biccraf. And he dealt with the tragedy with a delicacy of touch and

innate humanity, of a giant industrial mincer processing a bucket full of kit. It was, at one point even told for Toreco, you've thrown our budgets a little out of whack. God. I mean, he is, I mean, to be fair to him, a businessman who is poor, to a fault, and to a two of an enormous, enormous f***ing fault. But I'm a guest, as you say, the point is nothing is surprising anymore. I mean, I wouldn't have surprised me if at some point this

week it just stood up on a platform and spoke to American said I had a dream last night in which I tried to f*** a dragon. He's an inverse Russian dollar f***ery. Every time you think he's reached the limit, outpops an even bigger f***er. Oh, yes, please. An inverse Russian dollar f***ery. It's five o'clock in the morning here and I'm going to go to sleep immediately after this podcast and I'm going to dream of Trump trying to f*** a track. I'll tell you guys, how are you finding this? Because I feel like if I had heard that of 5 a.m., that would be like a double espresso shot.

I'm not sure how you go back to sleep after someone has used the phrase f***ing a track. At least the dragon will be able to light your cigarette. a double espresso shot. I'm not sure how you go back to sleep after someone has used the phrase, f***ing a dragon. At least the dragon will be able to light you cigarette easily. I love the fact that Chris is having sex with the dragon and what appears to be a sitcom from the 90s. I would like to point out that in case any of you think we've been a little biased against Mr Trump on the show during the section, none of us were taking the knee. They all balanced it out.

And you know, in my head, the dragon was a sexy dragon. It was in your head, Alison, was the dragon was sort of asking for it, right? No, no, no, they were having tender mutual. Look, I'm not, it's five o'clock in the morning. It's too early for you to be thinking about Donald Trump having sex on the track. Yeah. Arguably it's too early for me to be thinking that and it's one 15. Oh, he's a complete... That's a tough one. You want to. That's a tough one.

And finally, at Bugle Science section, science always provides respite from reality. Yeah. And what has been a huge week for science this week with all the Nobel gongs being handed out full updates on next week's bugle with all the winners and losers forensically analysed by my guests, the no time Nobel Prize winning laureate,

Hari Kondobo. I can tell you that a few people missed out, Dr. Fruse Baybard missed out with his theory that particles move faster if you shout abuse at them. Massive potential implications for intergalactic travel on that one. And the Chinese have developed this special laser gun that's like 10 miles across. Gobe Desert that can shout. 10 million light. Worthy winners. And also Dr. Harbinger Lamout, he narrowly missed out on the gong. For his research into when someone's body becomes too bootylicious for someone else. And he's finally found the key tipping point

to which the lines of measured Butaliciousness and the ability to withstand and or tolerate Butaliciousness intersect. That features, of course, numerous variables related to the psychosexual makeup of the Butalicious Receptor. And the Butalicious and presentational skills of the Butalicious. Which is, that is the name for a female exhibiting Butaliciousness, the Butalicious. But anyway, that's them. And we dumped other scientists. Sorry.

I mean, the thing is, it's hot news. We weren't asked on the next week. But in other science news, I mean, some crucial scientists come out this week from the Royal Society Open Science Journal that has discovered that captive bread fesans a twelve time is more likely than other species To end up as roadkill. I mean this Surely is a great piece of science in skill. I'll know discovered the Sun or whatever it was Alice you're our feson correspondents What I mean what's the lowdown on this?

Dr. Joe Madden from the University of Exeter who led the study said what I think is the saddest sentence I've ever heard. He said, because they've been reared in the absence of any adults, they have no one to show them how to live and so they walk around and get killed. Oh, God, can we put some sad music behind that please? Let's have some over the radio station. Oh, come here, put some sad music behind that please. Let's have some over the radio station. Oh my god! Look, I applaud these suicidal birds. This is the ultimate f*** you to some toffee lord who wanted to brutally shoot you out of the sky. I think it's tragic.

Fesins are lovely birds with modest bearing and the misfortune to be delivered to unlike flamingos. We're arrogant ganglyly pink assholes with stupid words. Let it go Alex! Let the flamingos go. Alex, what is your problem with flamingos? I've got no problem with flamingos except that their flamboyant florescent swamped well as with nobly knees and a bad attitude.

They're bitty eyed, haughty bog stalkers and flashy plumage and bad breath and they can go f**k themselves. We all have to say. The Flamming Flamming, I have to stand for Flamboying. I see. God, I've had it too good for too long. We should probably hear more on this story next week. So, if you are a fessant and listening to this, please text us your views and do mark your

envelope fessant. Don't forget, Bughlers. My US tour begins on Saturday Sunday. Don't forget Bughlers. Don't forget Bughlers. Don't forget Bughlers. My US tour begins on Sunday the 15th of October at Cobb's comedy club in San Francisco then in Phoenix Arizona or other Phoenix-ish Arizona-ish having looked at a map at the House of Comedy that's on the 17th of October come on Arizona. We share the same initials Essentially, then LA the nerd melts where I was last year on the 19th and the 20th and Portland on the 21st do come along to all of those gigs full tour details at Andy Zoltzman.co. How are you doing New York as well? Yes, they're off to Toronto, Chicago, New York, Boston,

Philadelphia, Nashville and Washington, DC. Then you can hang out with me on a flight to London if you want after that. Do come along to those gigs. Please, please, please do come along to those, I cannot emphasize enough how much I need you to come along. That is a major US tour, Salisman. You're like the stones in 72. Yes. Yes. Yes.

This rate you'll be too big for this podcast, certainly. That does take a little while to take effect. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, thanks to the Knight Foundation for making this podcast and the whole of Radio Topia possible. Is that alright, Chris? It's perfect.

Right. You guys are the best. He's that last bit in. Oh. You guys said, you guys would never have sex with a dragon, the best. You're the best. I run it considering their nights With those lanterns

Those weren't lances Alice And you want a plug niche? Yes, this is not sounding like you're too key to Oh, wait, you can't seem niche and and I at the live bugle in London on the 16th That's right. We should definitely plug that. Let's just square theatre that is something I've omitted to plug and still now 16th of November. I'll be there. Yeah, will you? I'm gonna come and watch. Are you gonna be in London? Oh, well, why don't you come and do the show? Yeah? This is a fucking huge thing, sir. I'm, it's going to be a piece of wrap this up, right? The gods of my life, so had we put one of the cats to do a Rick and other.

It's my birthday. Well, see you in November, Alice. See you in November. If you're an America, I'm doing stand-up gigs or you can just listen to my podcast, which is nothing like this. Oh, yeah, my radio show is also available as a podcast. It's called Spotlight Tonight. So, find that on iTunes and I'm doing stand-up shows at the Batsy Arts Centre on the 23rd and 24th of October and there are tickets which I'm sure you can find. Wow! Right. Right I think we need to wrap that up and go home. I'm going to eat a cake and watch some rugby. You're dream birthday. Dream birthday. Thank you for listening, viewers. Thank you for listening, thank you everyone. Thanks,

Beogles for all the cards. Much appreciated. Until next time, goodbye. Bye. you