The Bugle - Bugle 4047 – A fart wrapped in an illusion

Episode Date: October 21, 2017

Andy is in LA, Alice is in Australia, and the news is in London, Washington, China, France, Hollywood and, most significantly, St Helena.Amongst other things: men (awful), speeches (long) and Trump's art (fake) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugleers and welcome to Rishi 4,047 of the world's longest running audio newspaper for a world whose obsession with the visual shows no signs of abating. I'm Andy Zoltzmann, live, hang on let me just check that. Oh that's a solid 280 per minute pulse, I get so excited when I do this show. Live and in zero dimensions, count and losers coming to you from the West Coast of the USA. Here in the city named after a sense of bereavement and wobbly desserts, loss and jellies.

Eh, loss and, I don't know, that's the last one of the show. And joining me, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, via a very long piece of string across the Pacific Ocean and a couple of yoga pots, from Sydney, Australia, it's Alice Fraser.

Hello Andy, how are you? I'm very well thanks Alice, how are you? I just got back from America so we're sort of tag teaming around the world. Yeah, we're basically hammering the environment. I hope you've followed the elaborate clues that I've left to a prize at the end of it. I don't know. That now sounds intriguing but I only have another... It's a treasure hunt. It's 12,000, or so, actually. I just want you to turn over every bin in the city. Yes, a lot of people seem to be feeding me too, that's...

I mean... This is Bugle 4,047, 4,047 coincidentally the age based on current progress, at which Torees and May will be able to honestly use the sentence, yes, we've made some real progress with the talks. And here in LA, the date is the 10th of Ding Dong Doodle, sorry, they write the dates the other way around here, it's the 20th of October, odd name for a month, that lucky we cut it off for 12. It is 214 years to the day, since arguably the key moment in the rise of Donald Trump to power, the Louisiana purchase,

when America slapped down a $15 million bill on Napoleon's French ass and walked off with two million square kilometers of Republican heartland. So if you want someone to blame for Trump, blame Napoleon, rather than anyone else. In Australia, it is the 21st of October already in what is currently tomorrow and on the 21st of October 1983 Alice a significant milestone for humanity the meter the Celebrity distance was defined at the 17th general conference on weights and measures as 17th general conference on weights and measures as

Specifically the distant that light travels in a vacuum in 1 299 million 792,458 of a second So they finally nailed it down up until then the meter had been defined as The length of about five quite big carrots or a bit higher than a table or were about this much or 5% of the horizontal attitude of a blue whale so finally good to get it absolutely pinned down. 1947 on 21st of October 1947 the House Unamerican Activities Committee began its investigation into communist infiltration of the cinema of the film industry in the United States resulting in a blacklist that prevented many from working in the industry

for years. The Un-American Activities Committee oddly felt a blacklist itself as perhaps one of the most un-American things ever invented, but it was very bad news for two top Hollywood stars at the time, the cartoon characters Harry the Hammer and Suzy Sickle, although to be fair, there had been rumors about their communist sympathies. Ever since their 1937 hit movie, Peter the Poet Goes to the Gullag. The Gullag. This is the show for the week beginning Monday,

the 23rd of October 2017. It's the 50th anniversary of this same day, 50 years ago, the day in which Herman J. Trellikins, the fictitious American inventor, announced his intention to create a machine that could turn made up people into real ones. Sadly, Herman can't be worse today because it didn't work. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight to the bin, while a few sections this week, including this week in shapes. We look at rectangles, circles, non-equilateral triangles, and ask, is there a future for the rhombus?

Also in the bin a free audio goat. Please, bugle us for heaven's sake, use that wisely. And with Christmas now just two months away, we have a special Christmas shopping advice section. Save it all to the last minute, we are just dust in the wind of history anyway. Those sections all in the bin. Top story. In sexual harassment news, the recent allegations about Havi Weinstein have been exploding out into the world, a new world for women in which we suddenly realize that

people are going to listen when you tell them about that sleazy dude. He did that sleazy thing. New stories have been emerging left, right, and center, including one about Carrie Fisher who apparently sent a cow's tongue to a sleazy producer in Hollywood. She personally delivered it in a Tiffany's box after hearing that he lost himself onto a friend. I think that is absolutely the appropriate gift for a sleazy dude, being a slimy, rough, and a toxic mixture of testosterone and socialization, leading to an arrogant entitlement to the bodies of women, no way that's man again. Cows are a gentle creature whose only sin is being delicious and farting a lot.

That's two shims there, Alice. Well, it depends. It depends if you consider being delicious a sin. Oh, well. Women in Hollywood and around the world are using the hashtag Me Too to share their experiences of sexual harassment. In France, women are using hashtag Balance Tom Pauk, which roughly translates to rat out your pig. This hashtag went viral this week and encourages women

to speak up in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal. The French government has capitalized on this recently proposing a bill that seeks to crack down on sexual harassment, which would include, according to gender equality minister Ms. Sheappa, on the spot finds for quote, when someone breaks into your vital space, talks to you within 10 or 20 centimeters of your face, follows you for three, four, five or six streets, or asks for your telephone number about 17 times. It's very specific and I think it's like something that happened to her.

It's got the specificity of this dude this morning. I think on the spot finds for sleazy douchebags on public transport are an amazing idea. France is going to be the richest government in the world, you know, about five minutes. If I had a dollar for every time, some dude said something disgusting to be about my body and his giz, I would be richer than Harvey Weinstein. Also, if on the spot Feyn's first sexual harassment were given directly to the women being harassed, you would fix the pay gap within a month. It's interesting that she went for, uh, following her for three, four, five, or six streets.

I mean, that's got a specific range that, isn't it? I mean, one or two might be coincidence. Seven, I don't know, is that because that's now showing a level of romantic commitment that needs to be acknowledged or? I think at seven, you're married, that's how it works. I mean, do the thought three or four would start to get to the, you're obviously not gonna get the telephone number

phase of the conversation. Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know, women aren't very good at maths, so this is the world I'm living now. I can make that joke and you can't laugh at that joke. This, I mean, it is a bit of hugely depressing story and I guess an encouraging response to it, it's a story that made Hollywood managed to make itself look even less ethical than it already did, which is in its own way quite an impressive feat of moral gymnastics. This are shameful patriarchal omurter that does slightly make you think Alice that perhaps men ought now to be taking a break from

their current 2 million years stint as the de facto gender in charge of planet earth. I think we've had maybe a fair crack of the whip and just a little mental refresh, reassess our priorities and goals as a gender, chill out and then come back refresh for another 2 million years. Just have a little bit of a sit and think about what you've done. You know, just sit back, have a cup of tea, feel regret and shame, come back into society, better then. And on behalf of all women, I forgive you. We fixed it. Excellent. Do you think this marks a genuine turning point in global gender relations where the behavioral benchmark for the likes of Harvey Weinstein ceases to be what can I get away with and then maybe these starts

You know people are him start wearing special wristbands. You know the the older WW ADHBD, which is what would any half decent human being do? Yeah cat calling could be that's that could become a could become a crime essentially Yeah, and on the spot, fine. This is a fantastic thing. I just want to pay wave thing. You know the thing where you tap your card on a, I just want to have that every time some dude does something,

just be like, ah, I'll have that $50, please. Ah! Although it might provide a perverse incentive for women to walk around looking vulnerable. Well, that is a joke. I could not possibly have made Alice. So you're welcome. LAUGHTER

MUSIC China news now, and well, it's been a fun-packed holabaloo at the Communist Party Congress in Beijing. 2,000 plus delegates coming together for the quinquennial celebration of Chinese Communism for a frank and open exchange of view of the one view that is allowed in China. They had the, as always, at the Congress, the Communist quiznite, a lot of multiple choice questions such as, who will be leader of the Chinese Communist Party in five years' time. Is it A, G-Zingping? Is it A, G-Zingping?

Is it A, G-Zingping? Or is it A, G-Zingping? Classic, classic quesnite? Also some, don't get some of the old Communist board games, including State Monopoly. What the poet? And ignore the human cost of an oppressively controlling government, which is a bit like Bat Giammon, but different in every single way. I mean, it's, I mean, sensational television for the neutral, the Chinese Communist Party Congress, all action, fun for all the family, the keynote speech by President Xi was three and a half hours long, which I mean, I've been known to bang on for slightly too long at my gigs, but that I've never managed a three and a half hours straight through but that is when you think about it Alice, it's one very good way to get a standing ovation

to talk for so long that when you finish people just have to get the blood back into their limbs by standing up and clapping. I think it's an astonishing achievement the speech ran for 65 pages and I believe it laid out the Chinese Prime Minister's vision for boring the rest of the world to death. Three and a half hours is too many hours. That is a bad date with a professor of finance who decided to tell you about his childhood. That is letting your drunk auntie tell you the whole story of her first divorce. Like this is late. Ranger reviews from the Chinese media, it was very, very good to, it was very, very good, via, it was very, very good.

He said some interesting things. He said this, it is time for us to take center stage in the world and to make a greater contribution to humankind, which contrasts with Donald Trump, who recently said, it is time for us to leave center stage in the world and make a lesser contribution to humankind. So two countries going in very much opposite global directions. He also said no country can retreat to their own island. Well, G, they can if you offer them the right

referendum. Let me tell you that from bitter national experience. And he also said, we live in a shared world and face a shared destiny. Well, I think we'll let Brexit be the judge of that. A taste of the speech includes Xi Jinping declaring that the Chinese dream is a dream about history, the present and the future, and then presumably going on to tell you all of those things with the enthusiasm of a five-year-old telling you about what happened in the park. And then there was dinosaurs and then Confucianism and then we got really good at making paper. And then Marco Polo came along and stole noodles, though that's historically questionable. Literally the only thing he didn't mention was Donald Trump. Yes, well, Trump, I mean Trump has been iced by quite a lot of people this week, not just G. Jean

Ping, who pointedly didn't mention him, but also Trump's two predecessors in the White House, George W. Bush and Barack Obama, both made speeches which did not mention Donald Trump whilst being 120% about Donald Trump. They were described as quote, veiled attacks on Trump's circle presidency, veiled attacks, veiled in the same way that you veil your face by gluing a baby character or nose. I mean, it was, it was pretty obvious who they were talking out without giving it the full,

Donald Trump. Well, they're dodging the Google alerts, right? Although I imagine he's got Google alerts for like Donald Trump, Dickhead, failure, all of that stuff as well. Well, he had a Google alert for the latest release of United Kingdom crime figures apparently this morning. He put out a tweet saying, just out report at colon, speech marks,

United Kingdom crime rises 13% annually, amid spread of radical Islamic terror. Closed quote marks, not good, we must keep America safe. Well firstly, congratulations Mr. Trump, in a 140 character format, you've managed to cram in about 5,000 different kinds of wrong. Also, that is the most inventive and inappropriate use of quotation marks I have ever seen because

that is so far from what that report said. You know, take issue with that and the most inaccurate use of quote marks I have ever seen was a shop that said fish and chips but the chips was in quote marks. But I'll give you that. Really though, ironic chips. Bearing in mind that I'm 43, I don't exercise enough, and I'm not sure at this day that I'm gonna be asked to hack it through the unending codgidum

to which medical advance will treat my generation. But I probably don't have enough time. It left in my life in the however many up to 50 years on this planet I've got left to properly explain everything that is wrong with what Trump puts in that tweet. But I guess having spent a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, breaking down the actual crime figures themselves, factoring in changes in the way crime is recorded and Britain trends within the subsets of crime, social factors, and the

almost total absence of any reference to terrorism in the report, not to mention the statistically minuscule influence of terrorism in the report, not to mention the statistically minuscule influence of terrorism in the crime statistics. It's hard to imagine not then spending at least 40 years shouting at my computer screen, interspersed with vomiting into any available bucket at what this man is doing to the concepts of truth, dignity and democracy. Also, it does raise the question quite how he imagines that, for example, a significant and tragic rise in gang-related knife crime in Britain threatens the safety of America. And also how the spread of radical Islamic terror is influencing low-level crime in Britain, are people thinking, oh no, the caliphates coming.

I better go and steal some sausages from the supermarket to tie this over. Maybe this is his logic. Also, the causal link is quite obviously bullshit. I mean, he might as well have said, smart phones improve amid the rise of Islamic terror. Excellent ISIS loves iPhones. Or US stock markets up again, which he seems to bang on about a lot. A mid spread of Islamic terror.

Very good we must keep ISIS strong. Please Mr. Trump, keep your nonsense on your side of the Atlantic. In Moon News, now a 500-kilometer lunar cave raises hope for the human colonization of the Moon. This week, scientists at the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency confirmed the presence of a cave on the moon after examining the whole using radio waves. I don't really understand the science of it, but I think it's high-tech language for the traditional way that humans have always discovered caves, which is standing in the mouth of the cave going, Hello! The castle is 50 kilometers long and 100 meters wide, it appears to be structurally sound,

and its rocks may contain ice or water deposits that, quote, could be turned into fuel. Because the thing about humans discovering things is that we always want to turn them into fuel. Oh, what a beautiful butterfly. I wonder if I can render it down to run a belching smokestack. What will the smokestack do?

That's just a smokestack. The data was sent back by the Orbiter, which is nicknamed Kaguya after the moon princess in a Japanese fairy tale, which is adorable and in light of the previous information, leads me to think the Japanese space team is made up equally of ruthless capitalists and adorable six-year-old girls, which, to be honest, would make sense in some of the aesthetic and cultural choices

made by Japan in the last half century. So you have this cave, which, I mean, the initial report said 500 kilometres and then it was scaled back to 50 kilometres. I think possibly due to a misprint rather than the scientist getting over excited. But does make you think, there's, you know, one sixth gravity on the moon, one sixth of our earth gravity. Do you really want to live in a cave? You're not just going to spend your entire time smashing your head on the ceiling. On the other hand, Annie, you could become the sportsman you've always secretly been on the inside. With lesser gravity, you could leap higher, move faster, be stronger, and your hair would stand directly up. I mean, I hadn't really thought of it from that

perspective. I do have a magazine from the 1930s, which I bought on eBay because that's the kind of guy I am. It's called World of Wonder and it was like a kid's magazine, like, child science for children. And it does have a page which is entitled, if a test match were played on the moon, and it has this glorious illustration of people playing cricket. On the moon, Baron Mine, this is a long time before people actually went to the moon. I mean, it does have someone bowling a massive no ball to start with, but it has an explanation of why cricket would be quite difficult on the moon. I'll just read some of it before you.

I'm glad you brought this up, but it's definitely had this on my computer. Worry dial is. This imaginative picture shows us in vivid fashion how very different are the conditions on the moon from what they are on earth. When that's, they knew that even in the 1930s. Of course, the absence of atmosphere, I mean, a lot of people say cricket has that

at the best of times. A tremendous variations of heat and cold would make it impossible for a human being to live on the moon. Don't be so negative 1930s, but assuming these conditions could be overcome and, you know, a 50 kilometre underground cave. I mean, that, I mean, that offers what a glorious prospect of human colonisation living in a 50 kilometre cave. Should we nip out, darling? No, it's a hundred degrees centigrade outside because it's datum. We will literally boil. Or maybe this evening when the sun's gone in, now that'll be a minus 150. Let's put our overcoats on that should do it.

Anyway, so we'll return it to this. Assuming these conditions could be overcome. The 1930s article on cricket on the moon continues. We should find life on our satellite very strange indeed. The pull of gravitation means so much less. Everyone could jump six times as high and run six times as fast and hit six times as hard as on the earth. This article is for seeing the invention of 2020 cricket, basically. This is, I mean, to be honest, if Indian businessmen read this article, now, I mean, they would be a moon cricket league by the end

of this year. The absence of air would mean that a ball bold or struck by a bat would go on without resistance for an enormous distance. A good blow would send the cricket ball hurtling over the mountains. I mean everyone is tuning in for this. Everyone, I mean what you could get for sponsoring the six isn't that. Sorry if this is a bit niche for some of you, but you're good. And in most matches if not all, every ball would be a lost ball. I mean that might cause certain logistical issues. It will be practically impossible to catch balls traveling with such speed. Even in the daytime, the sky would be quite dark.

For the suns arrays would reach the moon direct without being broken up by nitrogen crystals as in our atmosphere. So there you go. That is all science from the 1930s about cricket on the moon. It's a great insight into the historical approach of the British, which is can we play cricket on it?

Exactly. That's what took us around the world so successfully. Just one quick Trump story and it's to do with art, not always to natural bedflows, Donald Trump and fine art, but in his Trump tower there is a Renoir picture, two sisters on the terrace by the French Impressionism Celebrate Artist Pierre Auguste Renoir. The only problem is that that painting certifiably resides in a gallery in Chicago. And so what Trump has is a forgery or a fake. He has said no, it's not. So fake art is now muscling in on fake news. The exciting thing though,

this puts me on a personal level with Donald Trump because I have a fake sezán, the pretty good rendition of the card players that I picked up in a charity shop in Stretten for 10 pounds. So this is the closest I've ever felt to feeling like Donald Trump. I feel we can bond over our possession of fake masterpieces.

I mean, the question is though Alice, does it matter that his picture is a fake, that his Renoir is a fake? I mean, the things they look very, very alike, and I'm sure Trump has it on his wall because he absolutely loves the picture, admires the brushwork and the artistic skill and sees the impressionist movement as an example of radical modernity that he wants to see the US economy replicating its proud march into a more optimistic high-tech future. I'm sure it's not because it was f***ing expensive and a bit shall we? It ties in really nicely with the rest of his persona. I think it's a showpiece of his individual attitude to truth. It ties in really nicely with

the fake charity donations claiming to have called the families of soldiers and also his constant claim to be an actual human being. The man is a fart wrapped in an illusion. He is just... I think he's been sent back from the future by a 3D rendering system. He's not... he's not a real. He's not real. I think if you poked him your finger would probably go right in. I mean, I think also, on the plus side, no, no, I mean, some people have sent messages asking us to just leave off this topic for a bit, but it's quite hard, really. He has proved the non-existence of God, because he does refer to God a hell of a lot, and I think if God did exist, he would have hauled himself out of him behind a cloud and said,

for f**k's sake, Donald, have you even read my book? Donald Trump never reads books, he hasn't even read his own books. In Australian news now, a roll-out of a national disability insurance scheme has been plagued by issues and may need to be plugged by migrants. The commission said it might not be possible in the short term to train enough allied health professions. Look, as an Australian, I'm outraged at the slow implementation of the scheme, which is a major reform of disability services designed to provide the right support, according to each person's needs

and goals in a holistic way across their whole life. The government is bullshit and lame and failing us as Australians. On the other hand, as an Australian who was recently in the US, I find it incredibly difficult to complain about a slight inefficiency in a massive rollout of $22 billion a year of comprehensive government services to an underprivileged group. I mean, of course, yes, it's very annoying.

It's a failure of our piss-week, arrogant government, but also I saw people in America who's kidney dialysis was about to run out. Do you know what happens when your kidney dialysis runs out, Andy? I don't. I'm Australian. It makes me feel like... It makes me feel like Paris Hilton complaining that my coffee's three degrees to warm. By another coffee Paris, I think it's going to work out fine. Bugal feature section now and wildlife, well it looks like Wildlife is for now here to stay still a lot of species knocking around the world too many for me, 50 should be plenty. Alice, you are the Bugal's Wildlife Correspondence, you make flamingos turn into pelicans with fear

just by looking at them. A veritable one woman war against pink long-legged waiting birds. Do you also just out of curiosity? Do you have a problem with flamenco dancing as well? No, no, it's slightly too frilly for my personal taste, but I have no long-held vendetta. Because I mean, I know the dictionary says there's no actual etymological link between flamenco and flamenco, but to me the origin of flamenco dancing was a guy in a Flamingo outfit trying to keep a wasp away from me growing. Well, Andy, that's made me feel less positively disposed towards Flamingo dancers, but otherwise...

LAUGHTER So, some wonderful news in the world of wildlife this year, particularly from Jonathan the Tortoise on Cent Helena, who currently I believe is the world's oldest tortoise at a solid 186 years old and he's had a companion named Frederika for the last 25 years or so but a recent trip to the tortoiseologist for Frederika revealed that she was not in fact a lady tortoise but made instead of being a gentleman tortoise. And Saint Helena is yet to legalize gay marriage, and now it's most famous resident appears to have been embroiled in a two and a half decade long homosexual relationship.

I think the whole thing is a massive scandal, not the weirdness of finding a male order bride for 160 year old tortoise as he was then. Or even the fact that the tortoises turned out to be gay, but I think Jonathan has failed to fill his potential as a Saint Helena resident, never having racked the European continent with war, suppressor royalist insurgency, or forced the defeated nations of the fourth coalition to sign the treaties of Tilsett in July 1807, bringing an uneasy peace to the continent. Someone's been busy on the internet.

I've been out back on Wikipedia, they've locked down my page Andy. Too many... Oh, pretty. The U.S. alterations to my Wikipedia page, although for a time there I was an expert on the impact of velociraptors on the American political system. Well, unfortunately Jonathan in his advanced advanced age, and I mean, it is to be fair, according to experts, it's very difficult to judge the sex of a tortoise

partly because of the very tight fitting outfits that they were. I'm not judging them, that's a fact. But Jonathan is he's very old, he's blind, and he's lost his sense of smell. But the good news is he can still hear. And I'm delighted so we've got Jonathan the Tortoise on the line from Cent Halena. Now, so Jonathan, thanks very much for coming on the show.

Hello Andy, big fan of the show. Jonathan, can you tell us about your relationship with Frederick? But, Andy, none of of the show. Uh, Jonathan, can you tell us about your relationship with, uh, with, with, with Frederick? But, Andy, none of your fucking business. Uh, uh, sorry, but I'm just wanna know whether it's, uh, cause I've been a lot of speculation in the press, whether it's, uh, is it more than, than, than just a, a platonic friendship? Stop crying, Andy. Can't the taught us have a gender fluid best buddy these days without everyone assuming that they're doing it?

Uh, sorry, Jonathan, it's just that. It's just you humans are f**king obsessed with it. Besides, I'm 186. I'm f**king blind. I can't f**king smell. I have no idea if I even have a f**king penis to be honest. And I'm too old to have kids, so just let me live my own f**king life. Sorry, I've got clearly caught you on a bit of a bad day, so there's nothing going on with

young Frederick. No, but he does sound hot as tortoises go, but as a bit of an age gap, he's 160 years younger than me, I don't think his parents would approve. Besides, he's a millennial, and I'm a mid 19th century annual. I can't see it working. Okay, and have you had Tortoise girlfriend in the past? Sure Andy, there was that one back in 1890. Shelly, I think she was called, although that's what I call all tortoises to be fair.

Uh, just one more quick question, uh, Jonathan, as someone who's lived through the entire history of Tess match cricket, which of course began in 1877 when we were a 40-something One more quick question Jonathan, as someone who's lived through the entire history of Tess match cricket, which of course began in 1877 when we were a 40-something whippersnapper, any thoughts on the forthcoming Ashes series between England and Australia? Well, it should be a great series Andy, and I am very much looking forward to your take on it.

In your forthcoming ABC Ashes podcast, the unbelievable Ashes, I'm sure that will be a hoot. Thanks, Jonathan and his other owner there, and you will be able to hear that podcast from Mid-November onwards. Produced by Ex-Beobalmant on Right. That guy. So lovely to talk to, that's our first talk to us that we've had on the show. Beautiful.

Kickeris! It's our first talk to us that we've had on the show. I think that's... Kikris! Ha ha ha! The The The In other at-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh I mean, of course they're f***ing stressed. Half the time they're worried about being eaten and the other half of the time they're trying to remember what they are.

And the other half of the time they're worrying about property prices. Because, you know, sea levels are rising. That means there's more sea on the market. Values go down. And a lot of fish have planned for their retirement based on prices continuing to go up. I know that was unrealistic,

but that's a fact. The long-term future looks pretty bleak if you're a fish these days. I think so too. You have to also remember that they've got a very difficult lifestyle. They spend most of their time in school. The scale of the problem is, I'm not going too handy. But it is interesting. I think I would be stressed if I were a fish too. You're a weird exception to many vegetarian meal plans and you're under constant threat of being eaten by almost everything including big-a-fish people, predatory birds or worse a flamingo. But of course the flip side of this often with psychiatric issues such as

stress and anxiety does come in-hance creativity and recently published this fish poem by a herring from the mid-Atlantic named Lionel Herring. Shark. I don't like shark. If I could bark, I'd bark at shark. He ate my grand, then away he swam. The toothy shitbag of the seas. In photography news, the Australian Geographic Photography Awards have just come out. So we are including a photography section. This is a series of photographs, which I will describe to you given that this is an audio

of a medium. The first one is a picture of some seaweed. The second one is a picture of a porcupine on a hill looking over a vast vista of mountains lit by a gentle dawn. The third one is some fish dying in a net. The fourth one is some turtles eating a jellyfish aggressively. The fifth one is a picture of some sort of fluffy bird looking wind swept and ruffled and somewhat grumpy. The other one is a picture of an oil slick. Then there's some ice. Then there's a dolphin. then there's a dolphin, then there's a bat, swimming bat, splashing on some water, and that's it. The wonder of nature,

the glorious overwhelming wonder of nature, I feel that has gone into your soul, Andy. Your email is now, this comes in from Dave Burchock on the proper pronunciation of Maryland, and he says it's not Maryland, it's more like Maralend. The official phonetic spelling is Maralend. Well, anyway, it's up to me as a British person, how I pronounce American states, I believe, isn't it? Yeah, how you pronounce the antique tates, how everyone else should pronounce them, right? Yeah, that's the rules of Britishness.

There's a very famous story about Manaka, which is a city, which was until the queen visited called Manuka. Right, she came and said, oh, what a wonderful place this is, this manaka, and everyone had to change their name. If you want to see me mispronouncing names of American places, why not come to one of my remaining US tour gigs? And of course, this is famously international buyer ticket to

one of Andy's ultramaners, US US brackets and Toronto tour shows week proudly supported by the bugle podcast. The forthcoming shows Toronto on Tuesday and Wednesday, this week the 24th and 25th, then Chicago on the 30th, New York on the 31st, Boston on the first November, then Philadelphia on the 5th Nashville on the 7th and rounding up in Washington DC on the 8th of November. Do come to all of those shows, particularly Nashville, really, particularly Nashville. Well that brings us to the end of this week's Pugel. Alice, do you have any shows that you'd like to alert Pugel listeners to? I'll be doing the live Pugel on the 16th of November.

I'll be in London from the 4th of November doing gigs. Look my stuff up on AliceRacer.com or or at a liturative which is my Twitter account. If anyone is really good at sound editing, I've been getting a lot of complaints about my podcast that it's too quiet, so if anyone wants to help me with that. Hello! Hi! Turn it up to 11. Well you know I would Chris but also if you. So all the details to my US tour shows at AndySoltsman.co. Well, you know, I would crisp it also. So all the details to my US

tour shows at Andy's Altsman.co.uk, the yes, the live bugle show on the 16th of November to come to that. That will be Alice Nish and myself. Unfortunately, due to new government regulations, people with the following names have not been allowed to listen to this week's bugle, Derekrick, Julian, Pablo and Maureen. So I'm sorry if you do have one of those names, you have to forget what you just listened to. Sorry, I don't make up the rules.

Hang on, I did just make up that rule. Part of the problem, not part of the solution. Anyway, please show your support also for the Radio Topia Network fundraiser over the next few weeks, more details coming up shortly. Your support is hugely appreciated by everyone here at The Beagle and all my fellow radio topiurists. There is no full Beagle next week but we will put a show out for you then I'll be back on the 3rd of November. In the meantime, see you all my gigs in North America, from me in Los Angeles and Alex in Sydney. Goodbye.