The Bugle - Bugle 4052 – Brexcitement!

Episode Date: December 9, 2017

In an episode that was very nearly titled 'Undirectional Rage Poop', Andy is joined by Tiff Stevenson and Alice Fraser to talk about the people of the year, Brexit and horny Irish dogs (and men). We also address the bleeping issue. Again.@hellobuglers@aliterative@tiffstevenson@producerchrisMore great podcasts at Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, bubblers and welcome to issue 4,052 of the bubbl audio newspaper for a visual world. As we speak, here in London, there is mayhem on the streets, while celebrations the likes of which have not been seen since VE Day in 1945, maybe even since we stuck it to the

Vikings at the Battle of Stanford Bridge in 1066. Perhaps even since the land bridge to Europe finally sank permanently into the sea some 8,000 or so years ago, making us the island, we have always been since the dawn of the universe, because we have reached a deal with the European Union on the terms of Brexit pending the next stage of negotiations. Yes! What a day! What are the greatest days in the history of Brexit negotiations? It's like Chris,

but some inspirational music under this. Good boy! At least eight to 12 million people out on the streets of London right now dancing, hugging quite literally, smoothing each other in the lights that the next phase of negotiations and what a phase of negotiations that promises to be can. Now begin in terms of hardness or softness of Brexit on the government of Anscale, previously discussed in the show. Well, to my own train die, it looks like a softish Brexit a bit

like I've been punched in the face by Mr. Stapult, the giant marshmallow and monster from Ghostbusters, or sleeping in a pit of fresh donkey dump. So it's the ideal middle ground solution in that no one is going to be fully happy with it. The remainers still want to remain and the levers think we've been stabbed in the back and we're basically still in Brussels because we're not going to be allowed to scoop all the asylum rooms over the cliffs of a table with a magic British spoon catapult hybrid, which means that everyone in Britain has full constitutional carte blanche to win about everything to do with Brexit forever and blame everyone else for it. So this in real

terms is the win-win situation we all want it because we are Britain and it is our democratic destiny to be knocked off and grumpy about stuff. You can cut the music now, cheers. That's a lovely record player you brought in this week, Chris. What is it? It's a 1911 Columbia Graffinola princess, if I'm not much mistaken. Probably sound quality. That is actually true.

LAUGHTER There, of course, remained some distance to go before the official triggering of our National Objector C2 cup playing us into our new global international worldwide, worldwide pan-concentral future. But for now, let us sit back and savor the sweet, sweet smell of big-rudging compromise. What a day.

I'm Andy Zoltzman, sorry, I'm still wearing up here. And we are here in London this week on Friday, the 8th of December 2017. And I'm joined by two people who will do their best to keep their brex sightment at the Brex Deal news. So we can talk probably about other important things in the world. As we're fitting this August organ of Newseek Varacity, the official podcast and record for the Human Race trademark. Welcome back.

Firstly to our official Southern Hemisphere correspondent, Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, as somebody from an isolated island in the middle of nowhere. I'm so glad you've decided to join us. And also welcome back to my fellow future former European Tiffany Stevenson. Oh yeah, I've just been feeling less European as the days go by. I've heard they've started putting away tables and chairs so Alfresco dining is finally done. Oh right. So a man on the street burning a beret.

To be fair that's just because it's a shit hat but. Oh I love a beret. I think it just adds an air of intrigue slash bellend. I think it's a really great hat. Intrigue slash bellend, actually. Well, that's kind of what you want on your online dating profile, isn't it? So, yes, we're recording. See, 8th of December, So, yes, we're according to the 8th of December, 2017. On this day, in 1953 Dwight Eisenhower gave his atoms for peace speech, about how if we all tell our atoms to calm down and stop wiggling around so much the world

will be fine. Yesterday, on the 7th of December, 43 BC, Cicero, the legendary ancient Roman celebrity lawyer politician philosopher writer orator and all-around irritating smartass, popped his clogs. Well, to be accurate, he had his clogs non-voluntarily popped for him as often happened to annoying people in ancient Rome, killed by two government hitmen, well on his way to the seaside, he then had his head and hands nailed up on a wall for everyone to have a good ol' goapat which is not what you want on a christmas December morning. But Cicero left an enduring legacy, a catalogue of smart-ass comments which have informed an unreachable ever since, many of which remain pecanly relevant today. For example, politicians are not born, they are excreted. Cicero was at work more than 2000 years before Donald Trump kind of won the 2016 US election. Those are prophetic words.

He said this a room without books is like a body without a soul. But to be fair, he had never had to read a ghost written autobiography of a 22 year old for more or a book set of the complete Miffy books to his children. How do they exist? Or even Betsy Lewis's through England on my knees? I thought you just made that up. Do you know what that book might be about through England on my knees? Is it gardening? I hope it's gardening. Not gardening. Religion? Closer, but not right right football not football nor is it

Any other activity that involves getting on in these borders in fact a brass rubbing Odyssey One of the biggest selling books in literary history. Oh Every you know childhood. It's like rich. It's it's rich. Or isn't it? Yeah as a kid if you go You know Westminster Cathedral or any of the other, you know, all the cathedrals, some poles, Westminster even a cathedral, just lay that up. Ely.

Yeah, yeah, you go, you go, you rub. You rub and it's really, you know. It's satisfying. It's fundamental part of being British. It is, it really is, because it like it serves no purpose really. The audience is going, I went there and look, this is a not a good version of some of the brass that exists in that cathedral, but a woman's written a book about it and I don't want to diminish that.

Is it good read? I'll be honest, I've not read all of it. It was given to me by my sister Helen honest I have not read all of it. It was given to me by my sister Helen, see Bugle's previous as a Christmas present one year. Grotesque best Christmas present ever. I know that whenever I'm on my knees looking at something I think that could be shinier. Oh family show. Family show. I'm telling him how brass I am. I'll be honest that all of us on the podcast today I didn't expect that that would be the thing that you would say Andy obviously He also said Cicero to be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child

Which sounds awesome because it's in great being a child. They have children. They have the best In time in the world also to remain always a child and being ignorant of what happened before you were born, makes deciding where capitals of places like Israel and or Palestine should be. Makes that so much easier if you were born and say, 1946. And now I've called about what happened before then. This, this, these are prophetic words. They who say, say to throw that we should love our fellow citizens, but not foreigners, they destroy the universal brotherhood of mankind with which benevolence and justice would perish forever.

Now, if you've written it in English instead of Latin, maybe more people would take some fucking notices like that, after that. I just think the head and hands getting nailed to the wall at this time of year brings a really new meaning to the Christmas day call. I wanna see that down Regent Street. Yeah. I was just I was thinking of your brass robbings and your on your knees and

and Latin and then thinking Carpe Fallon which is actually the correct tense. So so so those of you listening that think I don't know Latin. I do when it counts. So they did used to, I mean, they used to be, they were on London Bridge, they used to stick up the heads of people who have been executed. I was on the, when they on the pikes, the, yeah, yeah. Which is, I think, I mean, I think that's probably the origin of Christmas. Bunting? Yeah, bunching. Bunching, bunching.

Just a sort of, just painted slags on people's faces. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight and I've been this week a Christmas gift guide. Obviously, most of you will have already bought as Christmas gifts tickets to my Soho Theatre show, hoping on the 18th of December. All my UK tour, all dates and tickets at andisaltsm.co.uk slash shows.

Great present, so much more environmentally friendly than buying someone a shipping container full of plastic bags to dump in the sea. So much better for society than giving them a bazooka or a Kalashnikov. But we also look at other hot Christmas gifts this year including a turkey jacuzzi. Now the sort of slow... Isn't that just soup? The slow authentic food trend has led to an increase in people slaughtering their own meat at home with home abattoirs. And the turkey jacuzzi, well as we'll know, a relaxed bird is a tasty bird. So get your Christmas turkey ready for the oven with a pre-sling bubbly jacuzzi bath that fits comfortable into most household kitchens. Warning, only for use on

turkeys, do not try to relax a Christmas goose with it. Geesego nuts in jacuzzi. That's why you mostly see them on very calm ponds and not naturally bubbling vulcan experience. Also, for Christmas, why not give one of your friends a love ones? Westminster bubble. Travel everywhere in your own Westminster bubble. Insulated from the true realities of all the ground politics in real life. It's basically a big plastic zorbing ball, but with a scale model of the houses of parliament on the inside, which can get a bit sparky. And a hologram of BBC political correspondent Laura Kuhnsberg telling you all the latest

Whitehall gossip, warning, make us a loss of perspective and an obsession with other people's personal ambitions. Oh, it's going straight in the land, still landing. Anyway, that section... Oh, now, of course, I should mention this stage last week, we had the Bugle Advent Calendar. You're going to get that later in the show, don't worry, you're getting your Advent Calendar bugles.

The Advent Calendar of Lies, we'll continue later in the show. Top story this week. And, uh, well, um, Donald Trump appears to have gone about the Delacats Middle East situation, which famously over thousands of years of human history has been a tricky thing to deal with sensitively, and he has gone about it like a in a China shop. Wearing a pantomime bull outfit, well she's outing China, China, China, especially, China. No, he's here Andy. Obviously, I'm Jewish therefore I don't really see what the problem is. It's all there in black and white. It's clearly ours. Where are you talking about? Well, what Jerusalem

generally? I thought Jerusalem was build it here. Oh, that's Milton Pings. He just got the town name wrong. In England's Dark Satanic Mills, was it not? I'm so confused by this, I had to get my Scottish boyfriend to explain it to me, which I sometimes do. So that thinks it might be a regular feature now that I have my Scottish boyfriend explain things to me. So, Scottish boyfriend explains it. Do you want to know how explained it?

I had to ask him to explain to me how the situation came about in the first place. And what he said was, after World War II, everybody felt bad for like the Jewish people on that. So, Leskians, some of the Holy Land, Arab states said, nah man, gimme up it, a Germany, because they were the ones who would have ordered during the war. And then everyone else said nahal, Jerusalem and gradually Israel have just taken the piss in it. So in 1967 and they then annexed a bit, so Israel stole it and now Trump has basically gone, well you stole the ages ago so it's yours now, a bit like finders keepers except Steelers keepers. Well I mean it's slightly alarming that your Scottish boyfriend appears to have a slightly

more nuanced appreciation of the delicate situation than the leader of the three world. I think it's genius move by Trump. What he's gone in is he's gone in and he's just been an utter, utter fool. And I'm hoping, I think he's hoping to unite them against him. I think he's being a real hero here Putting himself out there and hoping that they can at least all agree on the common ground that he's a What I said, you know, it's it's all and as what it goes to some people promised to us by God or what it was it Arthur Balfour

We'll see the son of was Balfour the son of forget well, they were related. I can't remember, anyway. But I mean just through history over you know hundreds of thousands of years, Jury Summers, well it's kind of changed hands more often than the flesh regenerating kleptomaniac, Saudi Arabian, Android. Is that going to be on the next season of Doctor Who? Because I need to see that. Balfour, very much the King Solomon of his day, wisely cutting the metaphorical baby of Jerusalem in half, although he slipped when he saw a puffing and cut the baby into rather two rather uneven halves.

But, you know, it's been right since the very creation of earth in 4,000 and 4 BC, Jerusalem has been a battleground. A battleground, yes has been a battleground. I don't know, my theory is that there are assholes on each end of this very complex, faceted asshole machine, and they're just spraying each other, and then everyone with the, in the radius of the shits break, it's covered in shit, and then they get angry and drop their pants, and then there's a veritable unidirectional, travi fountain of

rage poop. It stinks. It stinks, Andy. But also, Lushanna Hava, baby Yorusha Lee, him, right? I couldn't agree with you more. Next year in Jerusalem, Andy, as a half-dew in a love's Jew, let's do it. I've got, I have no Jewish heritage,

but I have been, I have been called Jewish on Twitter. All right. Well, I say I've been called Jewish. It was sort of an anti-semitic kind of rant at me. That came in some reform synagogues. That's it. There's a theory isn't there? There's this religious theory from Christians claiming it's to regain control of temple mountain, bring about the actual apocalypse. And you'll know if that's going to happen because I'll be on my period as actually anything to do with the apocalypse is

Is totally synced with my menstrual cycle just so you know This is like a true fact. I don't think I have a biological clock. I think I have a doomsday one I'm And I'll let you know if that's the case. Okay, so you are the official harbinger of apocalypse Yeah, like my vagina's like nostradar So you are the official harbinger of apocalypse for a while? Yeah, like my vagina is like Nostradar. That's why I heard Scottish boyfriends nickname is Moses. Well, what I can't imagine this has been covered on people before.

I've heard it has today. But I did want to have Tammy Winetton singing my vaginas. No, not for those. So it's a decision that split opinion, some of a price Trump for doing what he said he would do. And Trump himself posted a video of previous American presidents saying that they would acknowledge Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, but then you're quietly brushing it under the carpet. And that's, so he tweeted this video of these previous presidents., basic, proudly proclaiming that he was the only one stupid enough

to actually do anything about it. You don't know nothing about politics, Mr Trump. Don't answer that. You know nothing about the art of saying something you obviously don't mean, just to butter people up before quietly going about the serious business of not doing what you've said you're going to do for reasons of geopolitical practicality. International relations, especially in the Middle East, delicate game of high stakes, diplomatic jenga, and Trump plays jenga like a renauthorous in a cement mixer. It's not going to end well. He thinks real politics is an act in Vegas. In terms of capital cities though, I mean, I think, you know, if Donald Trump can, can, can, can butt into this, uh, conversation

as he did, uh, unwanted, I Trump can butt into this conversation as he did unwanted, I personally would like now to recognize as the official capital of the United States, on behalf of the Bugle, the tiny village of Elk River Idaho, which I now view as the official capital of the United States. Now long-term bugleers may remember that in Bugle 156, I personally declared war on Elk River and suggested that Chris would do a triathlon as a key part of our military invasion of Elk River. But I like to think it's part of the peace process now that I'm prepared to

acknowledge it so I need to move on. What's the deal with Elk River and I do her? What's the beef? The beef. That's how old political. The origin of the beef was its population was 156. And it was issue 156 of the bugle. And I think there was only room for 156 related thing in the world. But what I have the footage of the original Declaration of War will play at the end of the show.

But you know, now we've about to start to build bridges now. We need to set history aside. Yeah. And I like to think I'm an example for all of humanity and doing so. And you need to find somewhere that has 4,052 occupants. Yes. Does this mean we get the Bedonkadonks offside? Well, the Bedonkadonks, do we deploy Bedonkadonks to Elk River?

I don't know. Yeah, there's about 156 lined up outside the edge of the town. Well, at least we've drawn them to the hills are there hills in Idaho? I've not. Have you had a parade to display your bedon could on to frighten the villages? Well, that's really there are it's all about intimidation and that level of warfare. Yeah, we should probably actually take this to the man himself and find out what God himself actually thinks. God now joins us. Let's run out now. Mr. God, are you there? and you make sure that I'm looking at a lot of lost cropped water in this one, but some high-bye won't show any of his races. Anyway, because he won't be prepping to round air for Christmas, so what am I going to do for you?

Yes, God, I was just wondering if you had anything to say on a peaceful, lasting solution to the whole Jerusalem issue that will please all the fans of your various different competing franchises. Sorry, what was that? I knew you're breaking up there. Something about different franchises, but no one wants that. Just quickly, God, if we can just get through on this crackly line, could you say once and for all who gets Jerusalem? We're sorry, your call cannot be reconnected. Please try again later or pray unusually hard.

Thank you. I always knew he was a fan. Or she, I mean it sounded like a heat to be fair. She could have a very deep voice. Yeah. Do we want to open this can of words? How does God self-ident open this kind of words? How does God self-identify in terms of gender? Yes, yes. Let's not go there. Time magazine, person of the year news now.

The person of the year this year in Time magazine went to, quote, the silence breakers, the endless parade of women who have stepped forward to take powerful men to task for sexual harassment and assault. Trump was mentioned in the magazine eight times after having tweeted that time wanted him for their cover boy. Actually, he was listed both as the runner-up and also a harasser, eight times as a harasser. I mean, listing Trump as the runner-up for a bunch of women who accuse sexual harassers is like naming Riva Steenkamp as woman of the year with Oscar-Pistorius as runner-up, or Emily in Pankhurst as woman of the year, and the patriarchy as the runner-up.

He is the runner-up in the way that the dude chasing you home from the train station is the runner-up, like he's behind you, but not for a good reason. Like, if we both did me two hashtags, does that mean we can change our CVs to include time, co-person of the years? Yeah, yeah, I mean, a couple of things that I need to say at this point, I would like to say we need a moratorium on bath robes. Territory towel in bath robes. I think we have to learn from like Trump, Cosby and Weinstein.

I had an experience when I was like 19 with a creepy producer in a bathrobe. So I know what it is about towering bathrobes. They put it on. It's like an exfoliator for morals. I think there's just too much temptation. It's like short skirts for women, just the access is too easy.

Yeah. Oh, I got all that disgusting humanity off me. And maybe it absorbs all the self-loathing they feel. And yeah, it's kind of like isn't it like that it's quite telling this time magazine because like 2016 we're in a space where Hillary still had a shot and women were riding high in 2017 it's like shot down and being masturbated in a doorway like that's that's where we are so it feels like a sad state state but it's also positive I guess that people are speaking up and women are finally being heard on this. I mean not on any of the late night talk shows.

Panel shows. Yeah, but you know generally. Look what's happening. We're being cut out here. Thank you Addy. We're being the year. We outnumber you. We're taking over, this is the... My daughter, sometimes... Oh, good to do it. I have a daughter. I'm a feminist, I think, but she did say some... A few months ago, she said,

Dad, you are too silly to be a patriarch. Oh! That's the best compliment anyone could ever give. That should be the rule. Yeah, I mean, it's been an interesting time on Twitter. Let's say that. It's been an interesting time if you've had anything to say. Actually, it's always an interesting time on Twitter

if you're woman with something to say. Oh, yeah. But it will be interesting to see how this all impacts down the line. There's a genuine point, I think, ego is underneath a lot of this and the ability to take a hard no and some men appear to be unable to and I have to say some because otherwise people go, no man and you're like okay all right how about never women? I don't

know but yes I feel like I feel like the important discussions to be had and and time magazine are obviously leading from the front by by giving these. Yes it was quite an optimistic person of the year because I mean it's it's basically it's um yeah it's an award not for you know the person who's done the best things it's the person who said the most impact so Hitler and Stalin have won it in the past but I mean this is unusually yeah I hope hopefully this will be a turning point in the way human beings are each jump. If a corporation can be a person, why not a hashtag? Discuss. Luric.

I think it's a step towards AI taking over. Hashtags are people now. Hashtag not all hashtags. Can hashtags vote yet? Soon. They can vote on Twitter polls, which is basically the same thing. In Irish Village of Dogboners News now... They have some really old place names there.

This is my favourite kind of news, which is the kind of news where the news headline is directly contradicted by the content of the article, so you get to believe whatever you want to believe. It's also the kind of news where I have to Google dog boners, which isn't my favorite kind of news. It certainly makes me happy about universal surveillance. Residents of a tiny Irish village where Viagra is manufactured have complained that fumes from a nearby factory have been getting men and dogs boners. Pfizer said in a statement that claims R are a quote, amusing myth so we will never know who is right. My advice in such situations is always believe the words of a corporation and not the words of the man and his dog unless they both have giant bones.

Oh yeah guys let's strap him for my attempt to accork accident. Watch now, Jesus Fidel has always got a ridge around him. Have you seen them Mickey on Mickey? That's my favourite, that's my favourite. Barmaid Debiogre de told the Sunday Times one whiff in your stiff. We've been getting the love fumes for years now for free and that is why my love for Ireland is never ending apart from the 8th Amendment, get it gone. In fact, I think this village should be the repeal the 8th amendment, get it gone. In fact, I think this village

should be, the repeal the 8th campaign headquarters because it really is the coalface. You put that many boners in the air, people are going to get pregnant. So I think we should move campaign headquarters to wherever the, it's in cork, isn't it? Yeah, massive boners, no heart disease, great village. I just, I feel a bit sorry for the do in this that they're just being judged now on I just think we should stop Willie shaming the poor little dog I've had an exciting year in entire life with a dog junk on display for the world I see without being told that it looks too big Australian same-sex marriage updates now it's now fully legal yes in the post-post

vote landscape, the Australian Senate has voted overwhelmingly for legalizing same-sex marriage with only four scrooge m-**** to sent in. A sweaty handful of conservative legislator tried to add amendments that they said were meant to safeguard religious freedoms for opponents of same-sex marriage,

but their efforts failed. Prime Minister Turnbull noted that nothing in the legislation requires ministers or other celebrants to oversee weddings of gay couples, or threatens the charity status of religious groups that oppose same-sex marriage. That was two concerns that the lawmakers had raised. I think it's a shame that he put these fears to rest,

because if we all just got together and agreed that not only would this legislation lead to mass dog marriage, and that gay marriage would legally require compulsory gay fiancés to force you to make a gay cake while wearing leather chaps. We might scare all the stupidest homophobes into fleeing the country. I mean, you know, people are entitled to their sexual particularities, let there be a thousand blossoms bloom as far as I'm concerned, but I ain't spending any more time on it because in the meantime, every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in fine or clean science.

That was one of the most incredible pieces of footage I think I've seen. I genuinely watched it every night before I got asleep, it's the most disdain thing I've ever seen. Just a man deeply uncomfortable with his own homophobia turning immediately to crocodile. Have all heterosexual marriages in Australia now been instantly annulled as a result of this legislation? Because, I'm sure they can't possibly stand now, can't they? Well, you, unfortunately, they do stand as the Christian Conservative couple who threatened to dissolve their match in the eyes of the law, found out that apparently that is not allowed. Is Loveless Marriage still legal or is that now going to be next on the statute books? Oh, I think Lovelace marriage is almost compulsory. I think it is. I think you know what you

want is one of those long distance relationships where you live together but you've grown apart. Bitcoin news and the value of Bitcoin which I still don't understand, and I never will. I sincerely hope I'd die that way. The pretend currency has blasted through the $15,000 mark. It's part of a record-breaking digital currency surge. Now, Alice, you are our cryptocurrency correspondent here on the Bugle. Basically, correct me if I'm wrong, but people used to be dunked in ponds and or barbecued

for this kind of shit, didn't they? Yes, the blockchain is definitely witchcraft and has been likened to Dante's inferno by the chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland, so Howard Davis who suggested it should be seen as an apocalyptic decay of our idea of currency. Right, so basically we've got two signs of the apocalypse in one f***ing podcast. Plus, Tim's period and Bitcoin. Three, Tim's period, Jerusalem, Bitcoin, and England going to New York down in the ashes. I've actually got to see that, so that's the amount of apocalypse every four years.

Well he genuinely, he wanted the Bank of England and other authorities to launch a coordinated warning. I'm not sure that they know enough about what Bitcoin is, he said, which you know is basically they're worried that people are trading an incomprehensible metaphor for value without truly understanding the complex mechanics behind it. A lot like people do with actual money, but this one isn't controlled by the bank, so it's heaps less trustworthy because banks are great. this one isn't controlled by the bank. So it's heaps less trustworthy because banks are great. It's basically just money that is even more pretend than real money which is pretend and largely debt. So it's double pretend. But the double pretend money is not in control of bankers. Right. And therefore they are very upset because we know how much we can trust. If you're buying

double pretend money with other double pretend money of a different sort, is that a double very upset, but because we know how much we can trust. If you're buying double-proteined money with other double-proteined money of a different sort, is that a double negative? That means you get four times real money. I mean, here is the economic truth. Money is like fairies. If you don't believe in it, it dies. So we all have to just believe in it as hard as we can,

and then we can buy our house or avocado. Okay, you're sounding like a Tory government minister today. Just say these ports, don't need benefits, you just need to believe more. You just, yeah, you do. You do. Because there's no gold or silver standard anymore, is there? So there's nothing to prove.

I think I left a Bitcoin down the back of the sofa, so it's probably worth fishing that out now. How much is it worth? 16,000, one bit coin. So yeah, that would be a touch. Right. That could get me through an edit, bro. It's actually very historically derived the name Bitcoin.

It comes from the time when people used to bite coins to see if they were real and the thing with bit coins is when you've bit all the way through a coin, you realize it's not a real coin and that's a bit coin. Right. And what about the chocolate? It's not a fact. I just made it up right then, literally right then.

That's good. I was a bit worried about you. Our ability to lie is terrifying. Well, that's what you know the f***ing shop. I see. I see. You sold that so well. Thank you.

Thank you. Actually. What about the chocolate coin? Because there's got a few of them flushing around at this time of year. Oh, there. It's worth about $40,000 from here. Right, oh, that's good. My kids can do very well this Christmas. On the subject of Christmas, Bugle Advent Calendar of Lies, Part 2.

We launched Part 1 last week. I need to do the first six, I think. Chris, didn't get around to number 7. It's supposed to be 7 a week. Yeah, I don't think it was any need to pick up on that Thank you Seven days rest anyway. Here is The entry for the seventh of December on the Bugle Advent calendar We open the doors on Advent calendars to commemorate Brenda Rubenstein who lived across the road from Mary and Joseph and really loved babies She would throw open her window every morning and shout, have you had the baby yet? That's why we open windows and having calendars, that's a fact.

For the 8th of December, Archangel Gabriel was renowned as the mole within God PLC who leaked the news of the birth of Jesus. He was inexperienced as an Archangel at the time, having only been promoted in 3 BC after a great angeling season in 4BC, saw him dispense revelations to more than 76 people and beat Archangel Michael for revelations to 2 in the final. 9th December, snowmen facts, snowmen were initially invented as a disguise by King Herod's secret police, the Judith. Short for the Judea Invetigators. The other list, King Herodot, a lot of this going around in people in power at the time, has you know, between the film. It was not legal to build a snow woman in Britain until

1918. Did you know that? The suffrage has changed all that. Gay snowmen are illegal in Saudi Arabia. If the government catches a gay snowman, they will cut off its carrots and melt it down. Due to the decline in the global coal industry, many snowmen now go topless. 10th of December, Mary and Joseph did not plan for a major birth. They wanted to have a water birth in the Dead Sea, but it was shut down because the water was so salty that the mums kept bobbing up to the top when trying to give birth. 11th of December, ballballs on a Christmas tree represent the bubble gum bubble to Joseph was blowing during the Holy Birth. He wasn't fully engaged.

And understandably. 12th of December, the reason we associate Robbins with Christmas is because a robin shat on the windscreen of Joseph and Mary's donkey on the way to Bethlehem. The splatter pattern looked like a bottle of wine, which Mary took as a sign from God that Jesus would work as a waiter in a fancy restaurant. 13th December. Santa's reindeer went on strike over paying conditions in 1958. It became known as the year with no Christmas.

The strike was resolved when Santa screamed, I f**king eat a f**king lot of you. I've got an Norwegian chef starting next week in the canteen so b***** up. 14th December. The Carol, once in Royal David David City could have been very different. In tough economic times Bethlehem City Council signed a naming rights deal with Royal cigarettes. Hence young Christ was born in Royal David City. If he'd been born two years later, the Carol would have been once in Rothman's David City. And the 15th December, the three wise men were late to the birth.

This was because when they were following the star, Melchior, who as discussed last week, was not intellectually the sharpest lemon in the fruit bowl, kept jumping up in the air and saying, you're going the wrong way, the star is up there, upwards. We need to follow it upwards, guys. Happy more from the advent calendar next week. ["The End of the World"] Your emails now, this comes from Dave in Los Angeles,

who asks, is there a way to get an unbeaped version of the podcast? Are there that many children listening to the bugle that needs to be edited for Virgin ears? Richard Branson's new company, that's it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I've never thought about that, but like, imagine if you just wanted to change a series, I'd quite like Indian Elephant ears. Yeah. You know, they're like kind of like Nita, but yeah. Dave, what we can't do that, but what we can do is I will record a minute and a half of just the worst exploits you could possibly imagine.

And if you send me some money, I will send it to you and you can drop a minute will. Wow, that is a big claim. Maybe on next year's radio to be a fundraising drive. I'm gonna have to offer. Swear a thaw. We're offering the pun runs this year. My granny, it was just a-

Swear a minute at you for a minute, don't the phone. My granny could swear for two and a half minutes in Hungarian without repeating herself. I've got big shoes to follow in. But Hungarians are not really an interesting language, isn't it? Because it's, you know, it's its own languages, isn't it? It's only influenced by other languages in the Indo-European tradition. And there are complex and graphic animal-related swear words that would turn your hair... That's impressive.

Even frizziness. Because you think other languages would assimilate swear words through the progress of linguistic history. But for Hungary to come up with that money swear words without any external linguistic influence, that is hugely impressive. What is there like your sheep's nipple? That kind of...

Well, if there's any Hungarian, there's like a... It ducks our soul. I genuinely cannot say, like, I know I'm willing to say a lot of things on here, but there's some things that just cannot be repeated. That's your personal record line. There's a, yeah the one that my granny used to start off was, was bust them as foolish then lawfers a shagate which has something to do with a horse's penis. Is what's up Hungarian rugby song?

So, data that he'd prefer the most vulgar version of the show as possible. Well, this is something we keep coming back to. We've had many discussions about this over the year. One of the great philosophical quarries of our time, should we beep? Or not to beep? I think we should beep them because they add mystery and only the unfinished can contain the infinite. Also, very, very deep. Oh, yeah. Brought to you. For the soft-earned game to the show, do they?

Yeah. And also, it's funnier. Yeah, it's funnier. I prefer, I prefer, I think we'd probably swear less if it was unbleaped. Yeah, and only, it's funny, unbleaped. Yeah, it's just fine.

So just for sending that in, Dave, you're a f***ing f***ing f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing, f you're a f***ing f***ing idiot. Thank you to whoever it was who signed up the bugle for free tickets to judge Roy Moore's election rally. Now unfortunately much as I would have loved to go, I was unable go When when it was on was a couple of days ago But thanks. I'll just want just one ticket spell my name wrong. Thanks for that So hopefully I'll avoid getting on some kind of thing I think maybe this is this is this could be the you know be kind of hope for the future that if Well, I mean, I say even if there's 10,000, there's way more bugleess than that. So if you've just signed up for all the free tickets to events like

that, you will see. Yeah, every time Milo is going to speak, buy up all the tickets. Yeah. That's why I mean, people have done that to a lot of my shows over the years. So this is what protests buy your tickets. Yeah, I mean that's the only reason they've been so empty. So this is really just payback. Do that next time. Roy Moore selling free tickets to a rally. I don't want you giving money to him, but these will think just free, free tickets.

Buy the f***ing lot, Bughlers. I want to see him talking into an empathy void. Do keep your emails coming in to hellobugleersatlabuglepodcast.com Well that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Thanks very much for listening. As always, Tiff, Alice, thanks very much for coming in. Thanks, Andy. You're welcome.

I've got any thanks for having us. And so you'd like to plug. Oh, well, I don't know if it's gone up yet, but I'm doing SoHo Theatre in May, and I'm doing a tour of Bombshell. Also, I've got a bit of merch on the go. Oh, right. So I could plug that, can I? Yeah, plug the merch.

Yeah, Optimist on DVD, which has been like, like, I've got some in America, I've got a stock in America, so there's been a bunch going out there. So interestingly, that is a show all about money and not being real. And our optimism and belief in it. So it kind of ties in with today's also, it's a bit about going control on the Kardashians and depression. But if that sounds like something, that sounds really fun to you. Yeah, I've got it on the top of my Twitter, so if you just find out, Tip Stephenson, you'll see it there, you can order it. Did my show is up online.

If it Christmas merch, I also have, no one's gonna die, we're all gonna die in eclases. Right. And I'm on Twitter at a LIT, LIT, R-A-T-I-D, and I have a podcast, and I'm a nice person. Right. Good all of my videos. This is, I'm not a nice person, but still like

by my... I think my DVD is still available online somewhere for download or the physical copy if you want to pay more than you have to for the download and have something cluttering up your house. You can still buy my book as well. Next is going to be the 10th anniversary of my book on the Credit Crunch. You can get it on a prominent online retailer, large South American river dot co.uk. Either used for 0.01 pence or new for £169.35. You're cool. You're cool. You're cool. You're cool. You're cool. You're cool.

Thanks for listening. Beagle, see you all in Soho from the 18th of December onwards. Please. Until next time, when I'll be joined by Anvapal, goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. This is Bugle 156, which means that we've now done one bugle for each resident at the time of the 2000 census of the village of Elk River Idaho.

And I would say that the planet ain't big enough for the two of us, John. There's only room for one thing related to them, 156. So it's with a heavy heart but a sense of duty that on behalf of the Bugle, I declare war and the village of Elk River Idaho. Now I think, technically, the key John is to strike fast. There are small village in Idaho. I want to be expecting a military onslaught. So we probably want to hit their Navy first. I think our big reservoir nearby, before we send in the ground troops, that's U-PED and Chris Slashenburn, Texas with the go-to, or I reckon Chris has done triathlon, so we can swim across the reservoir, cycle into town and then run around in his underpants,

confusing people, until you've knocked out the Elk River, lodging general store. That's going to be crucial to our hopes of eradicating Elk River as a going concern. So, and also, famous for its proximity to America's largest tree, so we can take that tree hostage and threaten to turn it into kitchen roll unless our demands are met. We've got to break them psychologically. And any bugleers in Elk River wishing to sue for peace, please email in your surrender to the bugle at www.co.uk and mark the subject box, all hell bugleards, merciless masters of all.

We may not accept that, but we will consider it. Hell, Buglod's, merciless masters of all. We may not accept that, but we will consider it.