The Bugle - Bugle 4053 – Mountains, Monkeys and Moore

Episode Date: December 15, 2017

Andy and Anuvab discuss a huge week in the UK Parliament, the election in Alabama, British mountains and the latest news from India. Plus – Swear Relief is gathering momentum! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, be euglers! And welcome to issue 4,053 of the Bugle Worlds leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world with me.

And his ozman here in London, which is still the only city in the world to have hosted all of the following A and Olympic Games, B, A football World Cup Final, C, a live bugle show, D, the execution of King Charles I, and E, a pigeon, which is not unusual in itself, but not often found in that combination.

Joining me from Mumbai, India, a city once given to Charles I's son, Charles II, has a wedding present and of course potentially the capital of post-Brexit Britain, Mumbai. Joining me from there, it's Anu Vapowl. Hello Andy, hello, hello, that is indeed correct, we were part of a large dowry and I'm sure the other things in the dowry were geese, parts of Spain, some of America and us. And I'm happy to report that Whistler here is part of the dowry.

I mean that puts a lot of pressure on a marriage I think. Well you've got a wedding presence that includes a city. I mean it's a lot for a relationship to live up to. That's correct Andy. I think that it came down to a thing where Charles was probably rejected with with smaller presence and we've all been there. You know he tried he tried gifts he tried flowers he tried chocolates but clearly this Spanish lady wanted something bigger. I'm sure he he tried animals and then he just said, f*** it here's Bombay. And I think that's kind of the attitude with which we've governed this city for the last

400 years, f*** it's Bombay. So I think there's a long history here that we've taken from the dowry into our civic infrastructure. And so this is Bugle 4,053, 453 Co. Incidentally, of course, the number of people, the young Donald Trump blamed for a priceless Ming Vars breaking after he personally picked it up, whacked it with a hammer, threw it into a quarry and urinated on it, that according to a computer simulation. Also, 4,053, the number of minutes in the average day that the average man spends thinking about exaggerated statistics, and also, 4,052, the number of takes it took

for the camera crew of David Attenborough as the blue planet, before they finally got that polar bear to act really, really hungry. Mostly it was just goofing around pulling silly faces at the camera, waving and asking for more money. It's all fake. It's all fake. It's a Chinese conspiracy. They've been starving down the real bears and painting them white to make people think global warming is real. And that is a fact.

We are according on the 14th of December 2017, which means tomorrow, the 15th of December will be exactly nine years since in my bathroom at home I began and ended my career as a freelance midwife with a 100% record, one chance, one goal, child, sorry. So happy 9th birthday to the boy and also happy 9th birthday to England's lost to India in the first test match in Chennai with the commentary of which was the soundtrack to that birth. Today, the 14th of December is World Monkey Day and to commemorate it we are giving our little ape friends in the bugle script writing dungeon some fresh typewriter ribbons. Right let's see what they've come up with today. To be or not to be, that is the question.

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outraggers fortune close, I've just missing an e there, but we'll take that, that's up standards, spelling mistake, many people make, or to eat loads of bananas, scratch your genitals and shit off a broad. Oh, they were doing so well. So well. As always, a section of this bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a Christmas party ket section. Teaching you the etiquette for how to behave at your office Christmas party, in case you're about to have one and you're not quite sure how you should act. Then relax.

All your problem solved with the Bugle Christmas party get guide. Scenario 1 if someone offers you some canopies, except or refuse them politely. Do not hurl the tray of nibbles in their face and scream, I know what you're up to. These are f**king poisoned aren't they? Why'd you try to feed me a poison volumveur? You're a f**king murderer. Scenario 2 the party's now in full swing. You're worried that people start photocopying their arses. So simply photocopy a vintage King James Bible, page, by page, by page, for the rest of the evening.

If anyone complains, just say you're respecting the religious origins of Christmas. And Sonorio 3, you've now all gone to the local nightclub to round off the evening. You don't want any of your colleagues embarrassing themselves, and indulging in alcohol, influence, romantical interclonchings with each other, but you also don't want to be seen as approved about it. So wait until a break between songs, then bribe the DJ to play a succession of Mongolian funeral durgies for the rest of the night. All your office party problem solved.

And well, Advent is now in full swing, so it's time to return to the Bugal Advent Calendar of Christmas Lies. This week, to just heighten the excitement that I know you all have for opening each audio door on the Bugal Advent Calendar, we'll be spreading them through the show. So you're getting the 16th of December now, and the rest will be dotted through the show. 16th of December, Jesus, ironically, did not celebrate Christmas. He mostly worked doing his magic and storytelling shows at office parties. Business time, he called it,

all the holy month of Wedge Vemba. That is how the former carpenter described the festive season when it's estimated he took 30% of his annual takings for the parable and cundering tricks arm of his franchise. You'll have the rest of the week's Advent Calendar bits through the rest of the week's advent calendar bits through the rest of the show. Top story this week and absolute chaos in British politics

as Parliament demands that at some points in the medium term future it will have a discussion about something. There's huge upheaval here, Anuvab. Last night, as we record on this Thursday, the government was defeated in the House of Commons vote on an amendment about letting Parliament have a quote meaningful final vote on the Brexit deal, and this seems to have been viewed in many quarters as one of the huge constitutional upheavals in the history of the universe, quite how we've managed to get ourselves in such an absurd state of political cuffuffled them over the

simple question of whether you want to run the details of the biggest deal in British political history through Parliament before blindly going into it or not, is utterly, utterly baffling. Basically, this impure vote on a scenario that is roughly parallel to deciding whether or not to get a second opinion after an online medical self-diagnosis website has suggested curing your sore throat by clobbering yourself repeatedly in the groin

with a far extinguisher, injecting mayonnaise into your carotid artery and getting a tattoo of threes and may done on your face. You have to take that second opinion and surely Parliament has to be true. I don't understand this anymore, any of you have. The Daily Mail of which I'm sure you're aware of, even in India, I'm sure the the the bile waves reach even that far. Run a headline this morning after this vote with pictures of the 11 Tory MPs who'd voted against

the government with the headline proud of yourselves. To be fair to them, I didn't use a 1930s German font or that it would really have suited the way they'd done their front page. They voted against the government in favour of not letting an unaccountable elite ride roughshored overall great and irrefutably British British Parliament of Britain. Now there is a certain irony in this given that getting power back to our Parliament was apparently what this whole f***ing thing was about. This was more ironic than a well-pressed shirt made of ferrous metal being hit with an angle-faced golf club by 69-year-old English actor called Jeremy, if I may stretch the word I am slightly too far.

Andy, I did read the Daily Mail thing because horror spreads much faster than dignity and I have a couple of questions, Andy. Many years ago I attended a meeting, I was in the corporate world and I attended a couple of questions, Andy. Many years ago, I attended a meeting. I was in the corporate world, and I attended a meeting. And that meeting was a meeting to decide whether we should have more meetings. Is this something similar? Did Parliament meet as a body that it's constitutionally known as a body that meets to decide on things?

Did it meet to photon whether they should meet the decide on things, and did it meet to photon, whether they should meet to decide on things? That is essentially what it did. But I guess also that is kind of its job as a parliament. The Daily Mail Front Page ran as follows. Just as the newly confident Tories edge ahead in the polls, I mean, newly confident is all relative given what they've endured this year. Also, edge ahead in the polls is this surely this cannot

be a British newspaper saying that a decision of historical momentousness for this country is less important than a one or two point boost in the opinion polls, four and a half fucking years away from the next election as it is currently scheduled to be. It continues, 11 self-consumed malcontents, which is also, I think, a pretty accurate description of the Daily Mail editorial board. Pull the rug from under our EU negotiated. They didn't pull the rug from under them.

They just wanted to have a look at the rug before we enter it into the rug competition to make sure it's not full of shit They betray their leader at their party and 17.4 million Brexit voters. No, no, no, that is not how democracy works And most damningly of all increase the possibility of a Marxist in number 10 And Marx it yes, yes, yeah I'd jaw it's very hard to be able to read, to read a British newspaper, sinking to such phenomenal depths of propagandistic shit sheetery. It did read slightly as if Kim Jong Un's press officer had been doing work experience at the Daily Mail.

And maybe a bit harsh here. I think the only conclusion we can really draw, because there's no way that Britain, with its proud democratic traditions and its free press, that is so proud of being a free press for Britain and its democratic traditions, would print a front page so willfully malinformative and basically opposed to the concepts and principles of democracy. I can only conclude that Daily Mail has been hacked, and if I'm wrong, is the Russians trying to divide our society again by hacking into our newspapers and making them print out millions and millions of copies of a billiastly mandatious front page that no true British newspaper would even contemplate publishing. So, the Mail, you have my deepest sympathies. Well I do have two very quick questions as usual. Okay, yeah. The first one being

it is rumored in the east that the western world, the media is balanced, objective, logical and impartial. Would you would you say this headline is an example of that? Would you would you say this headline is an example of that? Well, not not entirely Balanced what are the other ones objective? Yeah balanced yeah logical yeah sensible thoughtful right Would would you say that this headline covers all those very foundations of Western General Assembly? Well, if it does it's spreading itself a little bit thin over over each of them. Maybe you should have just focused on getting one of them right. As it is, it's missed, it's missed the target on all of them. The EU Brexit coordinator, Giver Hofstadt, put up a tweet saying, British Parliament takes

back control. European and British Parliament takes back control, European and British Parliament together will decide on the final agreement, interests of the citizens will prevail over narrow party politics, a good day for democracy. Now, Anne, if I'm going to give you a quick multiple choice question, how would you describe those words? And one of these three choices was the option

taken by the Daily Mail newspaper. Would you describe those words as A, objective, cooperative, respectful of the democratic process, and positive that a harmonious solution will be reached? Was it B, sexy, raw, or most animalistic, carnalty, dripping from every syllable, if you read it backwards in a hot French accent? Or would you describe those words as C, gloating? This is a tough choice, Andy. Tough choice.

Yeah. I'd say that it's a mix of B and C. Right. And I think it would only be A, if this headline was being read by people under the influence of severe Asian narcotics. And I have one last question, Andy. It's some of your ministers that voted that apparently betrayed their own party. It is said that one of the issues was that they did not want to take your country, which is apparently a constitutional democracy, back to the days of Henry VIII, where ministers could pretty much do anything, including

make love to small pigs, take over large tracts of land, and indeed give away other nations as dowry. Is it true Andy that were they were this to have been a vote where what happened yesterday did not happen the Henry the 8th powers would be invoked in your ministers and they could pretty much go around doing anything. Essentially yes now Henry the 8th powers are statutory instruments in the workings of government air provisions which allow primary legislation to be amended by secondary legislation and are called Henry VIII clauses and don't take my word for this because I'm quoting this directly off the internet because an early example of such a power was conferred on King Henry VIII by the Statute of Proclamation in the year 1539. Now this statue was repealed eight years later on the grounds that it was considered

to be too despotic, even in the 16th century, which was not the least despotic century in history, a famous 18th century British legal expert, William Blackstone, described it as calculated to introduce the most despotic tyranny, which must have proved fatal to the liberties of this kingdom had it not been luckily repealed. Now, unluckily, it appears the government was seeing new similar powers in 2017, because well, f*** progress, frankly, just f*** progress. Well, I'm hopeful, Andy, that if Henry VIII powers are invoked, they're invoked in totality. So, they should be able to do things that you did in 1615 like eat a whole goose for example, which was apparently quite popular.

Yes, well Henry VIII was an interesting man as his record with the ladies would testify. He was a man who very much liked to get his own way and if he crops up as the name for a type of legislation Well, it's probably best to check that your head is still attached to your neck and then run screaming for cover So Andy, what you're saying is you know as an outside observer Would you say that the debate now has got my Lee contentious? It's more than it's got incredibly infantile and I'm not sure that's really what you want with massive era defining pieces of legislation.

But you know, such are the wonders of modern democracy. I'm reminded of something that happened last week. I think David Davis is your main Brexit negotiator and I think he was being interviewed by a committee and he said that they hadn't done any impact studies of what the outcome of Brexit would be. Now, I'm not much of a scholar and economist Andy, but a basic impact study, like for example, if there's a fire outside your house and you leave your house, a basic impact study would say you might catch fire if there's a fire outside your house and you leave your house. A basic impact study would say you might catch fire if there's a fire at service. Would you think a basic impact study? And a very basic, like whether it's at a high level good or bad, should be a thing that should be done Andy? What would be your view? Well I mean that's

that's you know one way of looking at it and it might be the obvious logical way of looking at it. But I would say, I mean, there's too much certainty in life nowadays. You know, everything, all information is leaked. There's no real surprises now. We know all about football transfers way before they happen. And, you know, let's live on the edge a bit. Let's get some instincts and off the cuff, improvisation back into top level politics and economics. And besides, if you start thinking about the consequences of a massive, enormous decision such as Brexit and everything it entails, then you are letting the terrorists win. I think I'm getting confused.

I can't remember what it's worth now. Andy, what I'm learning here is that it seems like the Brexit Impact Study is like the whos line is it anyway of macroeconomics. You're given a loose subject matter and then you're hoping for the best. Yes, and as I probably have said before in the bugle, I'm uncomfortable with improv at the best of times And when it is happening in top-level politics, that is no more reassuring to me than if it was happening Whilst I was having open heart surgery. You want some advanced planning and some technical expertise

Well, you know, you know, I think we need to look back to the age of exploration, right? If you remember all the great guys Christopher Columbus, America, Vespucci, they got on a ship and they said Let's go we're going to reach the edge of the world and they hit a bunch of stuff. They hit India The Asia maybe maybe David Davis is a student of history and exploration and maybe he's just going and David Davis is a student of history and exploration, Andy. Maybe he's just going and seeing what the hell might happen. Well, it worked for the... Well, just mention the Apollo 11 spacecraft. That's how they did it.

That's all. If you hear the recording of when they were blasting off, you just hear Neil Armstrong saying, just point it at the sky and press go. Yeah. The It's not only Britain that has had something of an upheavialer democratic vote this week. In America, the Democrats beat the Republicans in Alabama, aided by the fact that the Republicans

had chosen a racist, misogynist democratic, grot-monger with a bulging catalogue of sexual abuse allegations in his back pocket as their candidate. And given that, he did surprisingly well because he would have thought he'd have got approximately zero votes. But he wasn't that far away from winning Roy Moore, but Doug Jones beat Moore. Moore was faced with all kinds of allegations that he was anti-submitting. His wife rejected that, claiming touchingly that one of their attorneys was a Jew, which proves everything. Another friend claimed more cannot have molested any girls in America as he's been accused of doing because he wants declined to conflagrute his prankle with a prostitute in Vietnam,

which I think that probably establishes a pattern of behaviour. That cannot possibly have changed in different circumstances in a different country at different times, and also some of more closest friends have dated adults, so that proves that he's actually fine. And again, I'd like to bring up that I think this vote tells us something about the world and nowadays it's very hard to know what democracy is saying given who it throws up as the elected candidate. But it seems like Alabama is telling us the child molestation and civil democracy do not indeed go together.

I think the Greeks had a few things to say about it and Plato got into some trouble and I think he came back in the early days also. He said, no, no, not a good idea. And I think not enough people listen to him. So we get Alabama, but I think that this is quite reassuring that they've decided that those two indeed don't go hand in hand. And second is a question, Andy. And my question is that Roy Moore, I think,

one of his election campaigns he wrote around in a horse and that was part of his advertisement he was in a horse. And I don't know I don't know what it says to you Andy but I think in 2017 nothing says progress you know unity cultural diversity the digital age then a man in a hat on a horse as your leader. Well, I guess this ties in with the whole concept of making America great again, because as you know, debate on, you know, exactly when, at what stage of American history is this aiming for? Roy Moore's base, if that America was at its best when it had slavery.

Correct. So, you know, before the combustion engine, maybe that's just part of his message as well. That's correct. I think he's not stangling for a minute. He's sort of missing the days when Galileo was wrong. I think he's missing that. Bring back the flat earth. Well, it was so much of a happier place when this planet was flat, so much happier. At least you knew where it ended Andy. Well exactly. Bugle Advent Calendar of Christmas Lies 17th of December. King He rods, Hercules Rodriguez, as well as was not only the first professional monarch to be boss of both. King Herod, Hercules Rodriguez, as was, was not only the first professional

monarch to be boss of both Mexico and Judea, but he initially launched his slaying the first born policy as a traffic calming measure. Similar to those used today when alternate days cars with odd or even numbered license plates were allowed to drive in some cities. Herod hoped that eliminating one child from each family would cut donkey traffic and more importantly donkey emissions, quite up to 13%. 18th of December, Brussels sprouts, the traditional but largely unloved Christmas vegetable, were cited as the quote's most significant reason by 78% of the people who voted for Brexit. More from the Advent Calendar. Later. more from the advent calendar later. Statues of football are in Indian news and well I mean this has got to be the biggest

story in India so far this millennium and Uvaba statue of Diego Maradona, the Argentinian football genius unveiled in Calcutta to what can only be described as universal global ridicule. Well, I don't know what the screaming and shouting is about. Because, you know, Maritona is a frequent visit to Calcutta in that he's been there twice. The first time he was here, Calcutta, you know, that part of India is crazy about football. He's like a god there.

The last time he was there, a number of people set themselves on fire just to be noticed. He was married on, I was not happy with that. He turned around, flew back immediately. This time things are not gonna come because riot police were stationed. And this time there's the accusation that this great sculpture that's been made in

Kerkat or of Diego Marathon looks like someone's grandmother. And when the sculptor was interviewed, he was obviously very distraught. And his only defense was, and I think it's a very defense, Andy, where he said that Marathon does look like someone's grandmother. He looks like everyone's grandmother. And I just wanted to know if you think that's true Andy, I don't know, I haven't spent a lot of time with a large number of grandmother. Well, he didn't look much like my grandmother, certainly my grandmother has never scored a goal with an illegal handball in a World Cup quarter final.

So I mean there's not a huge amount of common ground there. For those of you not seeing a picture, I'm sure you can find it easily on the internet. It is an extraordinary piece of art. It's basically a statue of someone that looks vaguely human and it possibly granny-ish, holding what may be a replica of a World Cup or a giant ice cream or a marital aid for a hippopotamus.

And in terms of the Maradona figure himself, you will have seen cabbages that look more like Diego Maradona than this statue. It looks less like Diego Maradona than Donald Trump looks like a president and that puts everything in perspective. Artistically it has as much resemblance to the 5-inch, magically left footed art in Tinian powerhouse, as the Mona Lisa has to a plate of battered sausages and baked beans and seriously, Da Vinci went and way off pieced with that food packaging brief. But just a bit of background on Maradona for those of you who don't know so much about him, he was a legendary figure in sport of man described in the space of five minutes of the 1986 World Cup quarter final against England as quotes the most sublime individual genius football has ever seen and quotes You cheating fucking asshole shit had bastard cheating scumbag cheating fucking fucker

Not not in that order as our recall and that was that was the official BBC commentary We also have to take a second to look at Maradona's relationship with Calcutta because I assume not very many cities invite him because it has been reported in many newspapers that I guess the technical word is that he's mad, he's a bit mad and indeed when he visited Calcutta for the first time he was undergoing some medical treatment and he saw half a million people, some of whom on fire and his first comment was these people are crazy and that was his first visit and his second visit he gets a giant statue that looks like someone's grandmother so I I feel like it's a love-hate relationship that he has with Calcutta that's

leaning more towards hate now indeed. Are there any more statues of international football stars planned by Kalkutter? Well, you know, I mean sudden footballers will pop up in India, a Mumbai where I live, there is a giant real estate project coming up called the Zinadine Zidan project. And it's just a bunch of high rises and it just says buy a flat and be like Zidane I don't quite know what's going on in India with international footballers but it seems like We're carving some out of stone and making them look like red mothers and in other places we're selling flats And then claiming that if you're living them you'd become like a bald

French Moroccan legend. I don't know what's happening in India and... Well to back this up we will now have a special beautiful feature section on great Indian footballers of the world game. That concludes that section of the people. influenced by great British movies like Best Exotic, Marigold Hotel, and so on. A British couple have happily retired in India, in North India, and are running a donkey healthcare center. They're using their pensions and donations to help a large number of donkeys and people are really happy to have them there.

And somehow, Andy, I feel that, you know, with first the empire and all this stuff about, you know, Britain exploiting India for material wealth, and then the reverse of all these Indians moving to Britain and Chikantika Masala becoming your national dish. After all these years, I think this, this particular incident is an act to empire, don't you think? Everything is fused into this British couple, happily retiring, running a donkey healthcare centre. I think what started with the British East India Company in 1757 has now truly ended it.

Yeah, history will judge this as the final full stop on the British Imperial era at an elderly couple with a bunch of recovering donkeys. That's what it's all about. That's what it was all building towards. All it needs is for them to teach the donkeys how to play cricket and I think that will just tie up all the loose ends of Empire. That's the last piece, Andy. The last piece. And also in this, you know, the post-Brexit era when we become this glorious, new global, global nation with an incredible amount of global, global, globalism in Britain, I can see all elderly

British couples being forced legally to run donkey sanctuaries around the world because that's what we voted for. I mean, it's not what we voted. We didn't know what we did vote for, so it may well turn out that we did vote for all British pensioners to be forced to run overseas donkey sanctuaries. That's a problem having a vague vague referendum like we did as warned, in fact by David Davis some 15 years ago, and rather entertaining speech that was my sisteretweeted on Twitter today, in which he was warning of all the pitfalls of Paul Econceiver Effortendums.

But I think maybe that was the subplot. The subplot was donkey couples everywhere. So what you'll say Gandhi is, this is the impact assessment. This is indeed the impact where we do assess. This is what would happen. Half a million dockies around the developing world and large number of British retirees gently stroking them. Well, I mean, if that is not a vision for a better utopian future, I don't know what is. In other exciting British Empire news, Britain has a new tallest mountain.

This is hugely exciting news, Anuvab. It turns out we are in fact an enormously mountainous country. Because I mean I know in India you've got your Himalayas which you're topping 8,000 meters in height. But we in Britain now have something even taller at 3,239 meters. Mount Hope, which is situated in the part of the Antarctic, claimed by the UK. It's been re-measured and found to be 379 meters higher than people have thought previously, which means it's overtaken the previous highest British mountain, Mount Jackson, also on Antarctica at 3184, way ahead of Ben Nevis, the tallest British mountain that's actually in Britain, which is down at I think

about 13, 1300 meters. Also now, I mean, you might quibble and say and say You know these clearly aren't in Britain. They are in Antarctica, which is not Britain But I would say as a nation we've been open minded enough to get behind Southern hemisphere sport stars who've chosen to play under our flag of convenience So I'm prepared to get behind a Southern hemisphere mountain that is proudly waving the British flag Yeah, I mean look you guys discovered Mount Everest in the Himalayas, tallest mountain in the world, 8,848 meters.

Now, you're stuck at home, you're not leaving Britain, for whatever reason, and you're looking around at your mountains, and you've got 3,239 meters. So, a hundred years ago ago you guys had a mountain that was 5,609 meters higher than your current highest mountain. So that is why I think hope is the app name for that mountain, Andy. I think the hope is the only word you've got to make up for the 5,609 meter differential of what you once had and what you have today. Well, bearing in mind that a month ago it was 379 metres shorter than it is now,

and it's going to overtake Mount Everest by this time next year. So, yeah, you may be eating your words with your mountains in superiority on behalf of the continent of Asia. Now, on the negative side, what I do worry about is, you know, the frictionist will cause between Mount Hope and Mount Jackson, which now being displaced and has now only a humble second highest mountain and all those kids with Mount Jackson posters are going to have to take them down off their bedroom walls. But I mean, is this what we really need at this time of national division when we're tearing ourselves apart over Brexit? We really need two mountains arguing over who's got the biggest dick. Sorry, peak. Do we do we need

this? We need to come together as one unified nation and make sure all British mountains are exactly the same size. Secondly, the exciting uses, we still have an empire, AnuVab. You might have said it's ended with a donkey sanctuary, but we've still got a bit of Antarctica. And it's always nice to have a bit of Antarctica up your sleeve with global warming toodling along nicely. The land value of that sweet little nest egg is only going to go up and up and up. And thirdly and most importantly,

go Team GB, what a mountain. A mountain so British that it has swelled with national pride to become 400 meters bigger than it was before that is what we can achieve as a nation-anivab have you seen any German or Spanish mountains growing since we've heard of a Brexit? Bullshit you have! Get it! That's the highest mountain in the world for my money, mountain hope and I don't care what the stats say that is a terrific British mountain the greatest mountain

you could ever wish to me it encapsulates the tough unquenchable spirit of this nation it's been standing freezing its mountainous cajonas off for hundreds, if not trillions of years, in Antarctica. But it didn't give up, and it didn't make a fuss when people didn't give it a full credit for how f**king tall it is. That's the kind of never say, diatitude, that saw us through the blitz.

Other, less British mountains would have just given up or melted or collapsed and become shitty little hills. But Mount Hope infused with a very breath of the Queen herself, has stood up to the vicissitudes of fate, has not given into the terrorists, and hasn't sold out and become a ski resort like all the greedy French mountains. This is one of the greatest days in British history

that we now have the tallest mountain in the world. This is after the Battle of Britain, this mountain, inching an extra two, 300 meters, is probably one of the greatest achievements in British history. I'm going to put it up there, along with David Gowers' team, that won the ashes in 1985 and the Battle of Britain. It's both as relevant and as important. I would just like to pass it one slide argument, not to, you know,

not to, the dampen the party here, but could it be that this mountain is desperately working against gravity to get away from what's going on at your sea level? And it does not have anything to do with what's going on at the ground level. It's probably concerned that it may get screwed based on how practical it is for, so it's just trying to get to a higher stratosphere so it doesn't have to deal with the rubbish on the ground. Could that be ending? That could be but that is

you know deeply deeply unpatriotic and at this time you know just even questioning that mountain that makes you a traitor to the entire universe. I apologize and be happy to come and welcome to Elton D. I apologize. Ha ha ha. Apology accepted. A-ha ha ha ha. A-ha ha ha ha. Oh, it's Advent Calendar Time again, the 19th of December. The British NHS now advises that you do not follow the old tradition

of putting coins in your Christmas pudding. They now advise that instead of putting a piece of physical coinage in the fruity booze-addled Stodge Fest festive dessert, you simply take a mouthful and then wave your contactless bank card in front of your face. 20th of December, the baby Jesus famously was already quite old by the time he was born as disgust on bugles pass him and illustrated most many evil paintings of the Nativity scene. The Christ Child popped out, clean as a whistle, not covered in any of the birth-thick goo that afflicts so many non-divine human babies and looking like a 28-year-old accountant. Theologians believe that the reason for this is that God wanted a son who was already toilet-trained as

he really didn't fancy the nitty gritty of hands on parenting, certainly not after the cleanup job he had to do on Noah's Ark. 21st of December, Santa Claus has never made a year-on-year profit, his taking from reselling cheap alcohol he'd decanced from what's left by people's fireplaces, plus occasional thefts of trinkets from people's mantelpieces do not come close to covering his overheads. In fact, he's never even paid a penny of tax. And 22nd of December did not even exist until relatively recently, the 22nd of December, previously. December went straight from the 21st of the 23rd, but Queen Victoria got stroppy at her children being uncontrollably excited before Christmas and making the winter castle Christmas tree fall over when messing about with the decorations. That she added an extra

calming down day as punishment, and that day remains to this day. Your emails now and this came from someone called Andy who writes, Andy, this is Andy, hello, I would like to think that we are both the same being just living in different parallel times. Would you really like to think that? Anyway, after listening to this week's bugle, I would think it is a great idea to do a swearathon podcast where different members of the community swear as long as they can in their native or non-native language, with donations for every 10 seconds of swearing. Profits could then be donated to a charity of the bugle's choosing. Well, this could be this could be one of the great new charitable movements you obviously had you know comic relief sport relief. I've swear relief. I would hope the queen would get involved with her

swear obiques as I discussed on previous Bugles. This could be a thing Andy for a fanity for poverty or you know it could have a theme. That's right. Do keep your remos coming into HelloBugles at theBuglePodcast.com. Well, that concludes this week's Bugle. If you want to hear more about the cricket, do tune in. If you can indeed tune into a podcast to the Unbelieveable Ashes, which I'm doing for ABC in Australia, available on the internet, for example. And thanks once again to Anavab for joining us from India. I guess you'll be back in the new year.

That is correct Andy, that is correct. You know, I will be back in March in London doing some shows. Well, hopefully everything about Brexit would be decided. Yes, it'll all be fine by then. We'll all just be dancing in the streets and bunting each other. What'd you do for New Year and India? Are there any particular excitement on the horizon? Well, if you remember, Andy, last year our Prime Minister took away all the currency.

And that meant to reduce the celebration. There was a rumor last week and a, that there's a high risk of a lot of bank failure in India. So there was a rumor floating around that banks may also take away your deposit. I need deposit to put in the bank, maybe invalid. So I think every new year in India, I think collectively a billion of us just pray

that we don't lose all our money. I think that is our celebration, I think collectively a billion of us just pray that we don't lose all our money. I think that is our celebration. It's better than fireworks. Until next week, goodbye. you