The Bugle - Bugle 4054 – FUChristmas

Episode Date: December 23, 2017

It's a Christmas special with Andy, Alice and Helen.This week: sexy Christmas, a conclusion of the Andy's advent calendar, and we hand out our 2017 awards.With@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@HelenZaltzman@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bee-Hugglers! And welcome to issue 4,054 of the Bugle the World's primary and leading and indeed only audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday, the 25th of December,

which means... It's Bugle Christmas special time and what a collection of gifts we have for you today Firstly, what's in this package? Yes, it's me Andy Zoltzman and joining me here in London. Let's see who's in this one It's Alice Frizer. Hello Andy. Hello, hello Alice. How are you? Well, I'd say that. I've been seeing you every night at my show, so host show in a range of different guises Which has been a bit fun. It's been a lot of fun. I've enjoyed the shit out of it Andy. Oh good good And most of the audiences have I think as well

More on this later and coming to us live from Los Angeles, it's the international fugitive of the year 2017 capture if you can, Interpol, you've got nothing on it. It's the sister who's being Mr Lot in White House in London, the scribbling sibling, the Fount of All Wisdom Helen's Altman. How's someone doing, Harold? How's he giving us a hand? Hello Andy, could have a glass of water. I've been in that box for a lot of weeks. Oh, email you one. How have your travels been, Helen? Oh, very nice Andy, very nice. I'm in USA at the moment.

Nothing happening here, very peaceful place. How was South America? Oh, it's delightful. The internet didn't work that much. So I had no idea what was happening in the rest of the world. It was a real tonic to the psyche. And also, I ate piranha ribs. Piranha ribs?

Yes. The actual bones of the piranha, or the flesh around the bones. The flesh around the bones of a giant piranha. Was it alive? They were cooked. Oh, right, okay. It was not a life piranha. It was non-consensually dead and cooked.

Right, it wasn't kill or be killed, swimming across the Amazon. I didn't like punch it in the throat and then eat it throbs in a kind of primal display of superiority, but that was strongly implied. Is that how you disarm a piranha? Is that punching it in the throat? Because presumably you did all the research with this

before going to South America where piranhas live on every street corner. Yeah. I would not wholeheartedly recommend it as an approach to buglers, but maybe if you can put a muzzle on the piranha, you can disarm them whatever way you want. Right. It's just getting the muzzle on is a challenge. Right.

Okay. F-F-Y-I. Thank you, F-F-Y-F. And of course muzzle tov is the greeting after. Oh, hello. So this is Bugle 4,054. For the week beginning, as I said Monday, the 25th of December, of course, some significant anniversaries.

The birthdays famously of Jesus Christ and struggling England, opening batsman All Alistair Cook, and statistics show coincidentally that faith in both men in England is at an all-time low. In the year 336 was the first recorded celebration of Christmas in Rome, when Pope Julius I got drunk, pulled up a conifer tree in the Vatican Garden, put it in his living room, hid behind it as a prank, told his gardeners that God had turned him into a tree as a miracle. Covered his pet snake, Alfonso, and gold-painted, baskin, body sock, as a treat, Alfonso climbed into the tree and terror, hence tinsel. Don't ask where baubles come from. Julius then ate far

too much for him to fell asleep in front of the tele. And that was the first ever Christmas. On the 25th of December, it's not just Christmas, of course. There are other days as well. In India, it is good governance day. That is one day of the year in which India gives a shit about good governance. It was established in 2014, arguably late. Is it working?

And I'm not sure. Judging from what Anivab has been telling us over the course of his career as a viewer correspondent,, no, no it is not working and it's good for them to bury it on a day when the rest of the world isn't paying attention because it's stuffing its face with food. Well, it's low pressure, isn't it? Yes, and also this is the feast day of Saint Anastasia of Sermium, the Christian saint who died on the 25th of December 304 So her feast day is the 25th of December that is a shit day to have your feast day as a saint Talk about being overshadowed by your boss. That is bad move Anastasia should have held on at least one day

As always a sect of the builder is going straight in the bin not the bin this week is going straight in the Christmas stocking. In the stocking this week. Is this like... What are you others interchangeable to you? Well, I've been in the stocking. I once got a bin in my Christmas stocking. I got a wicker, frog-shaped bin, because our grandmother had made us such big Christmas stockings. Our mum had to fill them with things like inflated balloons

just so they didn't seem empty and one year I got a bin. What do you mean our mother had to fill them Helen? Surely that was Santa Claus himself. She works for him part-time. All right, okay, that's good. That's good. We have this dispute every year in my family that my wife, fervently believes from an orthodox Christian tradition that the entire stocking is given by Santa Claus. Hell no! Divos! Well, of course, you and me, Helen, growing up in the Judeo-Christian tradition, one present from Santa Claus,

and the rest from the local rabbi. Um... So... So... Um... The section, well it is, as discussed, the Christiano-go-Pagan Festival of Christmas, renowned for its family bonding, repacious commercialism, indoor forestry, easily smashable decorations, uneaten cake, and shouting children.

Now obviously, all buglers, we know that you will be down on your bendy knees, thanking Jupiter for giving you his only son, Santa Claus, to save you from the sin of having enough money for anything in January. But what about those non-believers who like to jump on the Christmas bandwagon and get some free swag from you lot anyway? Well, we give here the section in the stocking this week, last minute Christmas gifts, things to go out and emergency-nickly buy when you realize that's you need an extra present. We look at Pogo socks.

Do you need to find space to put away all those unwanted Christmas gifts on the top of tall wardrobes or in a high-up cupboard or on the top of some high shelves? Then the Boyntech Pogo socks could be just what you need. Using technology perfected on the Pogo stick, the Pogo socks in socks bringers can buoying you up to nine feet in the air without the inconvenience of having to pick up a stick, not recommended for use in low-ceiling houses, not verified for use by the NBA or the IWAF. Also, we look at the wireless 3D wooden log. Are you cold? Then setting fire to a wooden log could be just what you do this winter. This all-new wireless, three-dimension genuine wood wooden log burns when on fire to produce warming winter warmth for all the family. Wi-Fi compatible. So that section

in the bin. Top story this week, Bugle 2017 Awards. My award for the icon of 2017 is... I mean, hang on, hang on, let's see if if we can guess is it because there's been a lot of Significant global figures around the world who've brought a lot of happiness More a lot of unhappiness to this planet. Is it Roger Federer Helen? And if not you've got it wrong. It's not the Fed Chris leave your football shit at home Who do you reckon it is? My Suggestion for icon of the year would be Australian Senator Barnaby Joyce, who came

out with a very Australian statement in response to gay marriage. Right. Crocodiles. Incorrect. What was that statement? He said, everyone's entitled to their sexual proclivities, let a thousand blossoms bloom as far as I'm concerned with this sort of increasing panic and then he just turned on a dime and said, but I'm not spending any more time on it because every three months in finals Queensland and man gets torn to pieces by a crocodile

What because of the gaze No just because of the crocodiles. He wanted to get off the gaze as quickly as possible So he wasn't blaming the gazeays for the crocodiles eating people. He just didn't like, he just didn't like talking about feelings. All right, okay. So he went straight to crocodiles. Helen, who then is your icon of 2017? My icon of 2017 is a man in China called Kai.

He's 28. He was recently fined a thousand yen for repainting traffic lines because he said he was very frustrated about his daily bus journey to work. He said, there was this three lane situation, middle lane straight ahead, side lanes off to the sides. He said, I saw the straight lane was always packed with cars while the lane that turns left has a lot of space. So I thought changing the signs would make my commute smoother. So we just got there on the road, painted another arrow in the left lane so you can go forward.

And the reason why he's my icon of 2017 is he saw that something which had been established did not fit in with his version of the world. And so he changed it to his own ends. Isn't that just what Donald Trump is doing, Helen? That's right. You should be complaining about him. That's why Kai is the 2017 icon. Oh, I see, right. So it's like the time magazine person of the year is not necessarily someone who's been good for the planet.

So you're also in Kai is basically responsible for everything that's gone wrong in the Middle East. Sure. I mean, if he painted lines all over that, then maybe people were getting into each other's borders. I know that's the problem with the roadmap for peace. It's not the roadmap, that's the problem. It's just sign on the road. I'm just like, yeah, a nice big sign that says,

terrorists this way and it just takes them straight down a shoot. That's a problem with terrorists though. They don't always obey simple instructions. So if they can't really deal with the police, don't kill everyone, uh, rule, then road road signs are going to be tricky for them. So that is, uh, he is the, uh, bugle icon of the year, the road painting man from China. Alice, what is your award for the year?

My award is, uh, similar to the Spirit of the Time Award of the Year in that it is not for a person, it is for a significant figure which is to say, the penis and this year has been the year of the penis. 30,000th year running. But this year importantly, Helen is the year of the exposed penis. And when I say the exposed penis, I mean the exposure of the exposed penis is a form of transactional leverage in business. I get it, business is awkward. If we could all just establish our status in a situation like Gibbons do, things would be so much easier to understand. I know how many times I've had to restrain myself from slinging my flaps out in a boardroom, or over lunch just to demonstrate goodwill to a sexy middle-aged boss. Is that why you left the world of corporate law, or else?

Left slash thrown out, Andy, what? It's all details. And penises. The year of the penis, I think most men were born in the Chinese year of the penis, which as you say has been every year. So yeah, it's been a difficult year for the exposed penis. Any hope for the future? Is it going to mount a comeback, Alex? I think that it will as ever hopeful rise again, the penis. But I have an instructional sort of mnemonic for people. If you know the tune of Kenny Rogers gamblers,

you just have to know when to hold it, know when to fold it, know when to walk away, and know when to run. But I just think generally as a rule of thumb, unless you are a male stripper, business context penis is never a good idea. Just file that. Tell you who I blame for it.

I blame the Surn Abbas giant in Dorset. That is an example. A harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. LAUGHTER I mean, the past, the penis has always been behind the scenes, driving male motivation, everything in male human history was built by boners and spite. But I think it's good to... What a double act they were, by the way.

I think in the 1930s, second-owned, it's a loral and hardy. I think it's a good thing that we've drawn back the veil on this penis fuel. My award for the year is Transaction of the Year and this really is a story for me that encapsulates the entire world of 2017. It's the one incident that should be blasted into space in a time capsule to be discovered by future alien civilizations. And this is a story of the millionaire Chinese online writer who spent 7,600 pounds on a dram of whiskey

in a hotel bar in Switzerland, only to discover that it was in fact fake whiskey. The alleged 17th century vintage whiskey transpired to be a bogus 1970s lie. A big bogus boozy baloney of bottled bullshit. If we cannot trust 7,600 pounds tots of whiskey in Swiss hotels, what can we trust in this world? I don't know heroes anymore. To be fair, the owner of the hotel and a blast of honesty, not everyone in the news this year would necessarily have replicated. He had the whiskey analysed, discovered that it was indeed fake and flew to China to personally reimburse the buyer who we must

hope instantly spent £7,600 on a solid gold girking instead. Now a number of questions arose from this story. For example, is it philosophically possible, Helen and Alice, to enjoy sipping 3.7 milliliters of liquid at a cost of just over £2 per cubic millimetre without thinking to yourself, can I resist the temptation to ask for a squirt of coke in this just to see the look on the barman's face? Can you convince yourself that your precious morsel of liquefied history is 7,600 times nicer than a shop shot of cheap vodka during happy hour at your local student bar, that this one mouthful of whiskey is justifiably worth that money when you could instead of bought 76,000 pencils for your local school or saved 760 endangered Sahara and penguins of bargain investment at

a 10-year, or paid for 17% of a new bathroom for British health secretary Jeremy Hunt, who was a close second in most ludicrous expenditure of the year for his 40 grand pitter. Anyway, this story, for me, can buy everything you could possibly want to exemplify this famous planet of ours in 2017, the rising influence of China, people making stupid money on the internet, people spending that stupid money made on the internet, on ridiculous expenditure on needless luxury items, people then writing internet posts in which they tell the world about their stupid and something being fake! Fake, fake, it's of humanity. Come on science, rise the bar. It involved a needless flight somewhere just to keep the environment aware of who's boss and it involved alcohol. What more could you want from a story about the world this year?

It's also a story about when China and Switzerland meet, which is basically the future of the planet as far as I'm concerned. Bugal Christmas News Now Alice, you are the official Bugal Christmas correspondence. What have you got for us on Christmas news? According to Google, the UK is the country most obsessed with Christmas, according to statistics. They claim that people in Britain make more Christmas searches than anywhere else in the world, and I understand the urge to Google Christmas. They claim that people in Britain make more Christmas searches than anywhere else in the world. And I understand the urge to Google Christmas.

Christmas is entirely inexplicable. It's a... ...cap has a mashup of pagan traditions, Christian messaging and capitalist greed. What even is it? What is Christmas pudding? I will tell you, Christmas pudding is the classic Christmas dessert. You take milk, eggs, some pleasantly defanged,adal traditions, orange-rind, fakes, no-saltanas, good-wilt-a-man kind, and some weird chewy bits, boil it for 14 hours and set it on fire

while someone has a fight with their cousin. Christmas is where spending the time with your family that you always tell yourself you wanted, but somehow spend a whole year avoiding. You realize that you have engendered a self-protective mesanthropy bordering on complete emotional blank lists in the face of a constant, incomprehensible stimulus that is a constantly connected and exposed modern world driven by temporary disposable goal oriented dopamine dispensing social media notifications. Wow, that is a radical updating of the screwed story there.

That's superb. So, we are the best Christmas nation in the world. You are. I mean, you do the whole thing. You do the pre-eating too much so you can pretend you still have seasonal food security concerns. It's a fantastic tradition. I think the whole thing is truly ridiculous. But you are a militant Buddhist, so everything seems truly ridiculous. In Australia, there's nothing like watching fake plastic snow melting in 40 degree heat. Christmas in Australia is the only time good family fun involves standing around watching a sweating man strapped to a pillow in a bad fake beard desperately try to act like that's not a creepy thing to do around children

while simultaneously inviting them to sit on his knee and tell him secrets. That was British children's television throughout the 70s. Helen, what's Los Angeles like at Christmas? I'm guessing there's not a huge amount of natural snowfall. It's palm trees with tinsel around the Mandy. What could be more festive than that? That's what they had in Bethlehem. Of course, of course it is. Yeah, this is probably more realistic. In some interesting other Christmas news, a special report has just come out, which is quite interesting, despite traditional wisdom suggesting that turkeys would not vote for Christmas, a new opinion

poll, a situation that's not a referendum on Christmas. Well, that's pretty well, they'll say turkeys don't vote for Christmas. Well, an area to vote for Trump. Well, exactly, a new opinion poll suggests that a majority of turkeys are in fact in favor of the festival, which is quite an interesting, I mean, particularly in the current age of democratic up people that we live in. The view will spoke exclusively on this, to Ron Wattelchops, the spokes turkey for the British poultry party. Andy, Christmas gives us a profile in Britain that we would not otherwise enjoy. Sure, there is a bit of an issue with the whole death rate thing, but at least people are taking notice of Turkeydom. The rest of the year, people just think we are

wonky, overgrown chickens with serious fitness issues. Besides, if it wasn't for Christmas, many of us wouldn't even be here to have the chance to vote on it in the first place. But Ron, it seems odd that you and your fellow turkeys should be in favour of something that ostensibly seems to have such a negative effect on your species. Andy, we know this is not just about us. I know it's not trendy these days, but we turkeys vote for the overall good of everyone, not just ourselves. And Christmas is not only good for the economy, but it is also an important time of the year for social and family bonding in an increasingly atomized country and world. If it so happens,

that this necessitates the mechanized slaughter of millions of us turkeys, then we have to stop thinking of ourselves first. Is that still allowed in the polling station in Britain? You humans are voting yourself to your own democratic demise, and yet you give us all this shit about whether or not we are voting for Christmas. You make me fucking sick, you gluttonous hypocritical narcissists. Now give me that corn and grass, I'll be salad you promised, or I'm gonna shiver on your sound recorder. Fucking dick.

Ron, thank you for talking to the bugle. Strongly expressed opinions from Ron there. But yeah, it's important to hear the other side of these things. In ISIS Christmas news, the sun, well it's more bad journalism news, but the sun has published a top-notch piece of terror mongering entitled, ISIS thugs post bizarre image of beheaded Santa Claus as terror groups vow to launch Christmas attacks. So the sun has brought out a range of terrifying images which are from the ISIS publicity. I don't know what their mailing list is like, but just in case you didn't know how afraid you should be while in the midst of your Christmas dinner,

they've said that jihadis have called on lone wolf attackers to target ordinary families in their homes at Christmas, which I think statistically the terror of Christmas is entirely adequate unto itself. I don't think we need to worry about people bombing our homes. I think we need to worry about buying Christmas presents for people we don't like, that they won't like, and games of resentful relationship destroying monopoly, and drunken grabby ants vomiting off the edge of the round into the kitty pool. So we need to worry about capitalism, infading our homes, not bombers.

In some Christmas's, a terror attack would be a welcome relief, is what I'm saying. Yeah, well I mean also Christmas where you used to strange bearded men, bursting into our houses unexpectedly. Bugle naughty news now and interestingly as well as Britain being the the nation that searches Christmas the most on the internet is Alice revealed. Apparently Christmas is the horniest time of the year as the song goes it's the most horny time of the year and and to mark this you as naughty news correspondent have a couple of stories for us. Yes, in naughty fish news there is a species of fish that gathers once a year for a reproductive orgy that is so loud that nearby sea mammals are in danger of permanent hearing loss. This is the blue planet Attenborough. He had to run away otherwise it would have been shot.

The golf Corvina fish. Sorry, the dog is just having a... I thought it was... Was that not one of the fish? Let's keep that sound effect. That's a little too on the nose. The Gulf Corvina... Oh, Jesus. This is the natural world satirizing itself, live on the bugle.

You might have noticed, listen, as Helen is not technically in a recording studio in Los Angeles. Well, I am, but the engineer is canine. Oh, right. She's running wild with a pack of wolves. Everyone goes to her later chase a dream, even dogs. What a work in showbiz.

Work your way up in the bullet, though. She's the best engineer. This is the golf, the Gulf Corvina fish, several million Gulf Corvina fish gather in the northern part of the Gulf of California in Mexico. And the males mating call sounds like machine guns. Up to 190 decibels. So just, remember,

so just imagine the sound of millions of fishy machine guns firing at the same time. Apparently one of the loudest wildlife events on planet earth and the loudest sound ever recorded for fish. Oh my god, what happens when those Cor in a fish watch the opening scene of saving private right? Don't you? Absolutely not. But here's the downside of this because the fish are so loud. Downside? Yeah. There's a downside because the fish are so loud fishing boats know exactly where they are

and to come along and scoop up a couple of million of them at the time. So the species is ironically dwindling because of its mating call. LAUGHTER That is a super piece of, of, on the spot, wildlife reportage, Helen. Thank you very much. In other rude news,

some people in Stafford, Virginia, requested a joke when they were ordering a pizza online and there's the box to fill in for special instructions, which should include absolutely no pineapple. And so the pizza hut delivery person did accordingly write a joke inside the lid of the box. And here's the joke, what do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? Would you care to guess the punchline? Right. I don't know is it, but they don't particularly enjoy it.

Hygiene is important. They don't particularly enjoy talking about their work at family gatherings. Something that's looking inside boxes. That would have been better than the real one. The real one is they both have to smell it but neither of them get to eat it. And that employee was fired. Fire! I would have gone with absolutely no pineapple in either place. Yes. Also a fair point. That seems a bit harsh on the employees. So he was requested to write a joke. She. A lady came, yeah. It's a lady joke.

Yeah. No, there you go. That's the thing. They didn't be rude to. Right. This is why women shouldn't try comedy. Yeah. Yeah, they'll end up getting fired from pizza companies.

It's too dangerous. Yeah. But you could use that as from pizza companies. It's too dangerous. Yeah. But you could use that as a gift wrap inspiration for your Christmas presents. The only three appropriate gifts at Christmas are gold, frankincense and mure. Although actually not many people know this, but it's gold, frankincense as monster and mure. LAUGHTER Now it's time for the concluding installments of the Bugle Advent Calendar of Lies. Well we got up to the 22nd of December last week so just two days to go.

Although we do have a bonus for the 25th bonus, I don't know, a Tritian Advent Calendar only got up to the 24th but you're getting a 25th as well. Anyway here is 23rd of December. The Queen this year is set to give her first live Christmas speech since 1956, ever since then, they've been pre-recorded, just in case, because in 1956, you did it live. And after a very boozy Christmas lunch, you did the whole thing in a rather in-go-herent 25-minute game of charades with the official royal cameramen,

the Prometheus Herring Jinkleton, which didn't get much further than that Suez crisis was a bit shit before they ran out of tape. On the 24th of December, let's open up the door and see what's in the big one on the 24th. The end of Christmas traditionally falls on the 6th of January, the 12th day of Christmas as the song famously goes. The reason for Christmas ending then is because this was the date on the 6th of January in the year 1 AD that a national newspaper in the Holy Land, the Daily Grail, ran the first body-shaming article about the Virgin Mary struggling to recapture her pre-birth figure, and that was considered the end of Christmas. And this is for the 25th

December, the traditional Boody Christmas drink of Enog, traditionally by tradition, represents the holy seed filled seminal man's blood. That cannot be right. I have to fact check that. Sorry, that's not true, but I can't end the lies with that. That's a double lie. Right, let's move on. Christmas food news now, and a gluten malvain. The multiple Michelin Stard celebrity shift has opened up his latest seasonal pop-up restaurant. Malvain of course well known for his many Michelin Stard eateries, including Golden Gutrock and Copenhagen, the twerking lobster in New York. Bugs Bunny's the triple-starred rabbit and edible insect-themed restaurant in the

Clacket Lane Services on the M25 South of London and of course the Krabbetwa, a seafood important word dinosaur after slaughter their own shellfish. Well it is the latest religious themed festival outlet or festoront as he calls them. He's previously of course done as he calls them. He's previously, of course, done smoked fish speciality cafe, Yum Kipper, he's done diva-leets and ramen for Ramadan, which didn't have ideal opening hours from a commercial point of view. And of course, his high-end cruiser fiction-themed fish and chip restaurant in Nevada, called my cod, my cod fry-house-trap- hash chaff forced hay on me. Anyway, don't worry, listeners, there's a can't really add any more time to the time I've

already got in the concentric hills, I'll be appearing in post club popping. But this is his latest Christmas pop-up following on from last year's very successful Jingle Bowles, which is very spicy, damn tasty, played merry, have it with your insides. This this year is Christmas pop-up inside all three wise menus and and let's just give producer Chris a little credit for that. No! Tartar to the rest of the world. You have to choose from the three Christmas menus from the following main courses, Nativity of New Born Sausage Saviors served in a mushroom manger attended by well-watch you have to choose from the three Christmas menus, from the following main courses, Nativity of Newborn sausage saviors served in a mushroom manger

attended by well-watched stocks of donkey with an angelic prediction of lamb hotly pursued by hered the grapes, birthed beneath a star of pressient bread, risen in the yeast. Or you can choose panicked slain firstborn of Turkey, slowly baptized in a G-su-veed, appearing above an immaculate consomme, served with

majori three ways, gas bar show, Balfour Sanya and milky horse served with a flight into eachips. Or you can choose the gold, the gold, frankincense and mirtish, golden, and anish, delicious apple ketchup squirted onto a flaming-sensed frankfurter with a myrtle-infused meringue. For dessert, you can choose angelies on high-screen gooseberry gazebrilles or a chocolate moussire. Cheese, of course, is virgin camembert's and to drink wine and tea but it's listed in French D'avane tea, D'avane tea, D'avane tea, D'avane tea, anyway. How can you live with yourself? Helen, you had about 15 months of living with me.

Yeah, being outside of your mind is bad enough but being in it, I can't even imagine. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP for my hashtag Google Christmas present, can we have the beeps replaced with a festive sound? Chris? Yeah. Are you all over this? Yeah, totally. Have you got a preference yourselves? Well, what I want you to do is just, yeah, Christmas this up. Go look yourself, you bunch of mean kids.

No, I'm not. What about work? Nice work, Chris. What about just a big burp? The ad is the true sign of Christmas. I mean, probably because Mary did probably burp Jesus quite soon after he was at his first his first feed. That's you never hear about that bit of the first Christmas story, do you? What, Jesus is meconium? I've got a question from Lily Ann. Can we rename hashtag Bugal Christmas to hashtag Bugal FU Christmas? Yes, the Bugal Christmas.

It's felt like that for about eight years for me. Consider that. Consider that done. Anthony asked, can the Bugal finally acknowledge the existence of Malta? Oh, well, I do not acknowledge Malta as existing. I mean, what is that? What are we talking about? You're just making up words. Yeah. There's no proof that Malta exists. Absolutely none. Except for the malt loaf.

And the teasers. Yeah, they're making the chocolate beach pebbles of the malt yeast. Dean Scriven wants to know Alice, is it true that in Australia, since it's a summer holiday there, it isn't reindeer that traditionally pulls on to slay, but flamingos. No, Dean, no, it is not true. It's not true. It's not true. And I do not understand why having expressed a dislike for flamingos, people are attempting to connect with me on a human level by constantly giving me flamingo gifts. Oh, how do you think I feel when everyone's going, oh, puns are brilliant, aren't they though, Helen?

They have to be the one with a brilliant. You don't know what it's like, Alice. Right. We have to flee the country to get rid of them. Um, this came from Jennifer, who says, could you do a high-ed shout out for my dad? That would be great. My mum just hit his car this morning in their driveway. Any Christmas distraction? Very much welcomed.

Well maybe you should start a fire on the other side of the driveway. Felt like they're in mines off the car. Ian Hall asks, any plans to do more live shows and in different places around the UK? Well, Ian, there are more bugle live shows after New Year, 18th of January, at Leicester Square Theatre, starring Alice Fraser, who you may have heard of, if you've been listening to the rest of this show and several other vehicles. And the 22nd of February featuring Nish Kumar, there will be another guest at each of those shows as well. Around the UK, currently no plans for live vehicles, but my satirist for higher tour will be taking in

many places around the UK and indeed Ireland from the 13th of January onwards details at Andy Zoltzmann.co.uk and my so-ho theatre show Andy Zoltzmann's 2017 does certifiable history also featuring Alice has been extended despite public that due to public demand. I can't say due to public. I mean, it simply isn't true. I think someone pulled out there to get. But anyway, it's been extended and we can pretend it's due to public demand, even though it patent liaently isn't so please Cover along we're doing extra shows in the ninth to the 12th of January He made a variety of bad disguises and

So please try to make those shows less empty than they may be and do come to the other shows as well So we've got the 20 we got up till the 23rd before Christmas if you're listening to this Immediately then the 28 to the 30th then the second to this immediately, then the 28th of the 30th, then the 2nd, to the 6th and the 9th, to the 12th of January. I'm doing a show on the 12th of January at SF Sketch. Oh, it's... So you've probably got just about enough time to go to Andy's show at the Soho,

get on a plane to San Francisco, get to my show because it's not until 10pm. Right. And the time difference is in your favor. You're gonna need a fucking fast plane. But, you know, let's, yeah, can you like recommissioned concord to do that? Sure. I mean, what's it doing just sitting around watching television? Yeah, exactly.

My birthday is the seventh of January, that's good. Oh, right. That's the thing. Also, coincidentally, the birthday of my twin brother. Really? Oh, what a good, what a chance of that happening. That must be something to do with genetics. Thank you very much for your Christmas questions. Do keep your emails coming in for future bugles to HelloBugles at theBuglePodcast.com. I just wanted to say thank you for steering this ship through the years, like a paternal ship's captain in one of those polar fleeces. Right. A fleece-navied dad. A fleece-navy dad. Oh, right. Oh, dig.

Right. Right. Who's been forced to drag decommissioned ordinance through the snowy waters of the North Atlantic. You have to do a missile toe. No? Wow. Wow.

Okay, I'll stop, Addy. It is a type of charity. It's a type of cubing. It's a type of cubing. I would like to recommend everyone towards water charities, particularly in remote rural villages that don't have access to ball water, you know, the ones with no L, no L, no L. No L, no L. No I like that one. That's strong.

I'll stop. That's enough. I feel charitable to hotel in at this point. Oh, right. Oh, it's all right. I've dropped off the Skype call just for my safety. Give them what the dog. Well, before we wrap up, the Middle East, of course, a significant part of the world at this time of year, has this week told Donald Trump to go to himself, essentially. In fact, the UN week told Donald Trump to go to himself essentially in fact the UN has told Donald Trump to go to himself on behalf of the Middle East and it seems

to me that we can't leave this region in such a state of dispute at this important time of years we approach the years end so I'm now launching the official bugle charity puns for peace because if human discourse cannot solve this problem then maybe contrived wordplay can. And in fact a singer-songwriter at Fendermind did a tour of concerts in aid of the peace process. He did a show in many of the places in the Holy Land involved in biblical events. He had great backing vocals. He introduced them at the first gig. I'm honoured to be joined on the stage by Miss Ditto, the lead singer from Gossip and the former lead singer of Oasis, Beth, Liam, and he has, as I say, he also had tribute acts as support, man and woman impersonating a successful American married couple duo from

the 1960s and 70s, famous for their hit single, I got you, babe. They weren't great. They were okay. She didn't really cut the mustard. The sunny was authentic, but she was a bit of a phoenixia. For phoenixia. Phoenixia. Phoenixia.

You, Andy. Thank you. I'll take that as a happy Christmas. Spice girls were big fans of his, of course. One of them, Ginger, used to hang around when he was getting ready to go on stage. He found it very distracting on more than one occasion. I heard him shout, Jerry, go.

She wasn't happy. She wanted a drink. Give me a beer, she barked. Nope, okay, part of the dressing room rider. Yeah, he had an amazing dressing room rider, mostly just things in vinegar to help shop in the vocal calls, a kilo of gerkens, a kilo of pickled onions,

and amazing amount of olives. He did this one song about what Jesus would think of today's world, with an oblique hint about America helping humans ascend to the heavens in rockets and shuttles. Very subtle. I said to him afterwards, nice NASA ref. Oh, don't laugh! Stop and leave link him! Never had commercial success though. Got him down towards the end of the tour. And it's not going well. Emmaus will give up. He said, I'll try to perk him up, mate, there are 200, 300 people at the show. Really, he said, having just bitten his tongue while eating an egg, that's more than it looked. 300, I wouldn't have guessed them any.

I'm a guess woman. Well, I no longer fear the world's total destruction. Anyway, I love music, he said. I never tire of it. His fans loved it, though. He did nong call. They called out for the song where he makes the whole crowd shout their favorite swear word out at the same time. Go on, they shouted, do Damascus. Damascus. The tour was so long, his girlfriend left him. She left the area on a recreation

of a medieval warship. He was on the shores as we watch the Galley leave. He clung to me, weeping, I can still fill his tears. You've got to move on from her, I said, LIDDA GO. I'm going to make it into the really obscure places. But anyway, he was hoping that he'd get a new year's honour, but he didn't.. Well, I mean, he lost it a bit. He spoke too much, pot to be honest. He was a bit of a cana, but he did ask me as a British person. If I had any regrets over the way we conducted witchcraft trials in North America in the late 17th century, Jiru Salem, he said, Jeroos Salem. Jeroos Salem. No. Right, we're done.

We're done. That's Christmas. Hard noose. Back in the room. You ruined Christmas. Helen, I edited half of the puns out just for you. I mean, the River Jordan one was outstanding, but it's never going to be heard now.

And I even did a see. I even did a Cesar Rhea Philippi one, which, well, I mean, took a lot of setup. I mean, look at it, a two-minute setup for that. I mean, you do Babylon. Oh, very good. I don't know if I've ever hit that one. Fighting fire with fire. Helen, I think, well, consider that,

because you're not going to be with us for Christmas this year. And consider that, my Christmas gift to you. Yeah, I'm feeling all right now with the 5,000-mile distance between us. Well, that brings us to the end of the Google Christmas special. Thank you very much for listening. If you didn't switch off during the last five minutes. We will be back next week with a bonus sub-episode with some outstanding extras, stroke highlights of this year and previous years. And we'll be back in the new year with another regular Bugle, don't forget that

light Bugle on the 18th of January. Come and see my show, Ho Show. Go and see Helen on the 12th of January in San Francisco and Go and see Alice. But also in my show, and the D show. Also in the end, he's showing and I'm doing a new show on the 1st of January. And 7th of January, get your birthday presents ready. Oh, yes. Birth they flamingo pictures to Alice's Twitter feed on the 7th of January. No pineapples please. Thank you for listening Beugles. Until next time, goodbye. I'm not a good guy.