The Bugle - Bugle 4056 – What does ‘massacre’ mean?

Episode Date: January 12, 2018

Andy is joined by Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard to discuss sexy kangaroo news, Trump's international review and the British cabinet reshuffle.Plus, who is the moral winner in Virgin v Daily Mail, what happened when Nish met Piers Morgan and the latest on the Australian heat wave. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Dancilla Guard Reader. HALA! That was messed up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world!

Hello, I'm Bugleers and welcome to issue 4,056 of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 15th of January 2018 with me and the resultsman the man who is too professional poll-ball team what Donald Trump used to be to the American presidency in that I'm obviously not cut out for the job but secretly I'd quite like to give it a go just that of curiosity and whatever do do it people will enjoy my inevitable fall this week I'm joined by two hemispheres worth of bugle co-host from the northernmost half of a planet in the entire history of the world. It's Nish Kumar. Hello, Adi, hello buglers. Welcome back. We will get to

your latest showbiz story, surely. And from the south where water goes the other way up taps or something like that all I know is that physics can't be asked to do shit properly once you cross the equator because well what's the f***ing point it's Tom Ballard! Hello Andy, hello Nish, hello buglers! Welcome back Tom, it's been a while since you've been on the show, how's Australia? Australia's doing fine, thank you Chuggan along, still in the sim, Southern hemisphere, they refused to change that

but we're focused on that. We're beating you at cricket I'm told. Someone informed me of that in your face. You stupid cricket lovers who are English It's really unfortunate that the person who informed you that was Andy off air Yeah, I mean the reason you were booked on this week is you were the Australian in Australia least likely to mention the ashes this week is you were the Australian, in Australia least likely to mention the ashes. Yee! Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oh my God! You are Wanker Cricket.

Listeners should know that when we talked about the ashes before we started recording, Tom said to Andy, how's the ashes in what we in turn pretend as being a sort of mocking tone. But no, he was genuinely asking. He did not know the result. Too soon, too soon. So niche, niche. Yeah.

Last night, you participated in the flagship coronavirus gin wag question time. Yes. How did that work out? Well, Addy, for reasons that were unclear to everyone involved, including me, I was on the question time panel yesterday, which is a sort of political talk show here, where the audience asked questions of a panel of experts, and in this case me. And one of the other people on the panel was a man called Pears Morgan.

I don't know how familiar you are with Pears Tom. Painfully familiar. I don't know whether either of you have sat and looked directly into the face of a man that you are on the record as having described as the result of what happens if someone injected a gammon steak with white privilege. But let me tell you, it is awkward, especially when you then restate that claim on it. Has he ever liked at all? Did he have any likeability at all? And like because then he took over Larry King's and show in the US right and people I assume in Britain also hated him for that in the classic kind of screw you for making success in

any other part of the world. The situation which we have in Australia too of course. Was there anyone out there who thinks yes, Pears? You speak for the people and I agree with you. Yeah, there is. And his name is Pears Morgan. LAUGHTER Also speaking of people who have betrayed their country, I finally came face to face with John Oliver Andy.

All right. And it happened where we always knew it would happen on the football pitch. Right. And how did that work out? Because I couldn't play that week. Well, I don't know where Johnny is, Andy, but I knew where he was at the time, because I'd popped him in my pocket, for the precities.

For the... For all that, apart from one regrettable slip-up where he gave me some smack talk. Right. And I responded by raising my finger to my lips in the classic shushing motion. But unfortunately, while my back was turned, I ignored the fact that the other team was had a clear run on Gaolin's score. Right. Never mind. The, uh, it's the trash talking's more important.

The trash talking. Okay. That level of a guy. John Oliver's amazing at trash talking in the football field. His secret move, I believe, is to awkwardly ask you about the sexual assault allegations that have been brought up against you. Just bring a lot of tension onto the pitch. It's insane. We're moving that game with Hoffman.

This is a bugle for the week beginning of 15th January. We're recording on Friday the 12th of January, the anniversary of the exact same day as anniversary salfanar, the 12th of January in the anniversary of the exact same day as anniversary of Soffanard, the twelfth of January in 1866, when the Royal Aeronautical Society was formed in London. It was 1866, that's 37 years before the Wright Brothers did their first powered flight, I think I'm right in saying. So the Royal Aeronautical Society spent quite a lot of their early decades just throwing food at each other and making notes to the different parabolas of chicken sandwiches, cucumbers and raspy trifles and making paper glarts which were the same as paper planes but they didn't know what aeroplanes were yet

so they just called them glarts. On the 15th of January 1759 the British Museum opened and over the next 150 years the British Empire must have been in size by hundreds of percent, which just goes to show if there's one thing we hate in this country, it is an empty display cabinet. It's, I believe, is it, is it you, it's a form of bugle catchphrase to refer to the British Museum as an open crime scene? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really is like the future of the, maybe the law and order or CSI franchise As always a section of the bugle is going straight to the min this week

We have a very special competition for you bugleers in association with the builderburg group Secrets conglomerate of high-powered political and economic Subterfugitives who essentially control the world we are offering our bugle listeners the chance to win a place in the Bilderberg Group's influential steering committee. Brush shoulders with the rich and generally not very famous in the notoriously unaccountable groups in a sanctum, as you take your place at the high table of covert discussions about the planet's political and economic future. This is, bugleers, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

to wield behind the scenes power to shape the future of your planet whilst consolidating your own personal financial power base and ensuring that your priorities remain the world's priorities. What a prize it is a five-year term only steering committee and to win that. You simply have to finish this sentence in fewer than 20 words. I think it is best if the biggest decisions affecting the planets are conducted

covertly by an elite cabal of bankers, politicians and oligarchs because dot dot dot. So send that in and we will judge the best entry. We will win their place on the Build the Bird Group steering committee. Send your entries by email to hellobueglesatthabuegalpodcast.com Do mark your email, Build a Bug, in the subject box, or by pigeon to coop 4,056 at Buegal headquarters London, or by Ouija Board to Annelies late great great uncle furnished. That section is going in the bin. That is an excellent competition. Yeah, I'm sure you'll enter yourself. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Last month in John Forest National Park, just outside of Perth, a French tourist was blocked from using a public toilet by a sexy kangaroo striking a seductive cum-hid-a-pose in the

toilet's entrance. This is all anybody's talking about in Australia. It's the most Australian story in the world. Have you seen the photo of the of the ruined question Andy? Oh God yeah. Yeah, I've seen the photo. I'm not that I can google it now because I think it would be shut down by safe search function. The sexiest god damn kangaroo I've ever seen in my life.

It is off the charts. That is the hottest piece of sexy root tail out there and he wants it too. He's not skippy. He's slutty baby. Oh, I haven't been aroused since this aroused. Since reading Blinky Bill as a kid The things I do to that room if you let me into his pouch. Oh damn, baby. Let me be a dirty little Joey boy I want to hop on over you all night long Oh, you like that baby. Yeah Sorry fellas, it's been a while

What's been a while. Yeah. What's been a while, Tom? Just anyone, just anything, it's warm blooded. Since you last committed a sex crime. No, I just, it's not a real country, Tom. You can't tell me that Australia is a real country with these sort of new stories. There are real new stories. It was a really sexy kangaroo, Nish. Did you need to get to the toilet. Come on mate.

I mean I think it's a very... shall I put about the cricket? This show is over. I already had to do one podcast about the cricket this week. That was more than enough. I'm very concerned about this kangaroo story. To me it shows that the animal kingdom is getting more confident, more cocky, they've seen the divisions within our species and they are thinking this could be our chance to get rid of those imperialist f****s. And it was interesting what this French tourer said. She said, Australia is such a beautiful country with the perfect weather and I would move here if I could. Well, I think she should give it a go, because with all due respect she does look like she has all the required paperwork not to end up in a cell on Manas Island or Nauru with 60 other people

who also think Australia is beautiful and would move there if they could. And by paperwork I mean, white face in the t-shirt, but I'm definitely not a refugee slogan on it. That's all we ask of people. It's not too much to sort out. Now, she forget a chance to have a look at that. You're welcome back anytime, mate. The tourist news is that she's a 30-year-old French lady and she said afterwards, it was so funny. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw it was posed like that.

I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd said, hey girl, what's up? What the hell are you talking about? You're sick French widow, it's a kangaroo! You wouldn't be surprised if a kangaroo said English words to you and not just any words, creepy, floaty, disturbing words. That's sexual harassment. hashtag meroo That is unbelievably strong work I didn't realize that the film Titanic was so huge in the kangaroo community It was huge You can get that photo. It is absolutely a homage to Kate Winslet's Information and photos from that movie

I assumed the caption was to paint me like one of your French animals Very hot at the moment in Australia as well. That's a huge story over here. And he's a... How hot, Tom. How hot. How hot? How hot?

We're frying the brains of bats. Oh, all right. Okay. That's hot. How to fur-covered flying fox bats, which lacks sufficient canopy cover and shade in Australia's suburbs, died outside Sydney over the weekend as temperatures saw to 117 degrees Fahrenheit the hottest it's been since 1939. The check out the sentence, okay?

The Candidate Advertiser reports as of Monday, 204 dead bats, mostly babies whose brains had been boiled had been collected in Campbelltown. It feels like something out of revelations. Fake news, that's best when cut out for it, mate. That'll cut out for a new, globally warmed world. But I tell you, it's so hot in Australia right now guys. It's so hot in this shenanity, it is so hot.

How hot? So hot. It's so hot. No one can even be bothered being racist here anymore. Oh, it's so hot in Australia right now. How hot's it? How hot? It's so hot in Australia right now. How hot's up? How hot? It's so hot, Nicole Kidman's nose is melted.

Oh, it's so hot right now in Australia, Disha. I tell you what, how hot's up? How hot? It's so hot we're becoming delusional and finding kangaroos f***able. That's how hot it is right now. Well, on the subject of this, this, this, the French kangaroo blocs toilet lady, as I believe

her full name is, describing Australia's perfect weather. I mean, how perfect can weather be if the brains of bats have been literally boiling in their heads because it's so f***ing hot? Well, this is lovely weather if you'd like to be able to brew a nice cup of green tea without having to use anything other than the ambient air temperature to heat your water. And it's lovely weather if you'd like bats to cook themselves. So... So bloody good thing Gotham City isn't located in New South Wales. I believe that woman saw all those baby bats with boiled brains lying all over the ground as she thought these bats are trying to f**king me right now.

I mean I've got a very little sympathy for the bat, uh, it's an idiot of a species. It's brought it on itself, the unloved evolutionary bastard child of the turd and the umbrella. Evidence spends more of its time evaluting, working out how to invent air conditioning, or the sun hat like us humans did instead of majoring on hanging upside down from stuff like a giant testicle and echo location. It wouldn't be in this mess would it would not be in this mess. It was 55 degrees Celsius on the field in the sun during the final test match in Sydney at one point or in old measurements 649 for seven declared. Where is up in the northern hemisphere? the bomb cyclone that we reported on last week with Harry Condobolo right in the middle of the bomb cyclone in New York had the opposite

effect. It had sharks, iguonas and prosecution lawyers freezing to death. So in not prosecution lawyers, alligators always get the mixed up. It's over, right? It's over. What, the world? Yeah. When one half is freezing to death, and the other half is cooking its livestock, we're f***ed. Yeah, that's basically the planet is now a kitchen.

Yeah. Tom Hullesay has been continued to speak over Australia day, which is for coming on the day Andy. Sorry, right. Yeah, it commemorates, well, the 26th of January 1788, the proclamation of British Soventry over the eastern seaboard of what is now Australia under the Finder's keepers existing inhabitants, weepers rule of European exploration. So it's known as invasion day, survival day and sunburn day, which is the first bridge getting roasted in the Australian sun in 1788. So what are the options for an alternative? Well, any other f***ing day.

That's quite popular, but no, the people who want to retain Australia Day on January 26th seem quite set on that. It is a very complicated debate. Some people think that, you know, celebrating our country on that day is disrespectful because the 26 months to beginning the invasion and genocide and the oppression of the first peoples and other people are white So it's very complicated and I don't know where to come down on either side of that. So it's very tricky

I mean you could instead mark the start of the third test of the very first actually series In It was in January 1883 the third test began which Australia lost setting in motion the greatest crickling rather of rivalry of all time. And that game began on the 26th of January, so you should switch it to that. Is that the first ever time when they burnt the wicket stamps or whatever the hell they do? I think, yeah, wicket stamps. That's near enough Tom. That's near enough.

It's all I talk about. It sounds like you put the wisdom cricket annual through a bad translation engine. Will you not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it.

It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it.

It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. It's not a talk about it. Spread your lady legs please and I will enjoy putting my man straight tongue there. Family show. Family show. Well, I'm a subject of ladies.

Some very important breaking news from here in the UK. The company which provides the Queen's lingerie has lost its royal warrants after former owner published her autobiography, the company which has embraced the role of the Frontier Stereon since 1960, lost the right to encapsulate her Majesty's capsules. June Keaton, the luxury bra fitter, who publishes autobiography entitled Storm in a Deacup, said she would never reveal details of what went on during the fittings. All she'd revealed in the book she claimed was that she had visited the palace. The palace? Well, the palace, who is not impressed. She also said, I only ever said I went there, not what happened.

I have never ever spoken about what I do there with her, or with the Queen Mother, all Princess Margaret. We does raise the question, what the f*** are you doing there? With the Queen, Queen Mother, and Princess Margaret. Holy cow, I can't wait for this series of the crown. The... LAUGHTER Um... Two girls won crown. This...

This is 50 Shades of Grey. This is the older, the 50 Shades... LAUGHTER I'm crazy, I don't think. I've never been involved in a conversation where it feels like everyone involved could be beheaded. LAUGHTER Um, of course, the...

I mean, that you can understand the palis-cl closing ranks on this because the existence of the Royal Mariel has been a closely-guarded secret for many decades. And we must emphasize it, Buckingham Palace insists there is no proof of any buzzer maladies belonging to any current past or future member of the Royal family, although contemporary portraitry just suggests that Charles II's wife's wife, Catherine of Bruganza in the 17th century, may have had one or more gestural exterbences, but that is unconfirmed, as we speak. It is reshuffleaggedan. This week Theresa May has reshuffled her cabinet. It's not so much rearranging

the deck chairs on the Titanic as it is rearranging the food menus on the Titanic. Just a completely pointless gesture by a government that is on its way towards hitting the iceberg. They have not really done anything substantial to the front bench. They've not moved on a few of the leading MPs that are incredibly popular with the government. David Davis, who's the Brexit Secretary, who seems to have done absolutely no work, Boris Johnson, the Foreign Secretary and Cartoon Rises, who has failed to get a British citizen currently imprisoned in Iran, anything other than more press attention because I'm here and only he craves. And then there's Jeremy Hunt, who's the health secretary who's presided over the worst crisis this winter in the National Health Services history. He has not been removed from his post Andy and Tom. He has in fact had his responsibilities

expanded. He is now the secretary for health and social care. The rumor is that he was planning to be fired, but at a meeting, he simply refused. Now, that is no doubt a baller move. Speaking of someone who has been fired from multiple jobs, I never had the brass neck to simply look my, soon to be ex-employer in the eye and just say, no. So, also Jerry Hunt has really struggled, and again, as someone who's struggled in various

jobs, I sympathise with him a lot, and giving him more responsibility is probably not what the doctor, or in his case, the ex doctor who's now left for Australia for more money, ordered. Keeping Jeremy Hunt at health, again, when she could have shuffled him after the election last year as well. So this is not so much a reshuffle as a prank. I mean comedy of repetition is all very one of the right context. I mean I blame Stuart Lee for this reshuffle. This is basically like hiring the same babysitter for the fourth time. After the first three times he got your children addicted to gambling whiskey and then golf.

If anything they should have reduced his responsibility because clearly health as a sort of portfolio is too demanding for him. So Jeremy Hunt should have been elected the first ever Secretary of State for sneezing and tennis elbow. That is his constituency actually. Lovely little villages in Gloucestershire. constituenty actually lovely little villages in Gloucestershire. The Daily Mail which for the uninitiated is very much the anti-bugal to the bugle. It has got very upset about this whole thing. They led with a headline on their front page the day after the reshuffle that read massacre of middle-aged men. Now, turns out what they were referring to was the fact that the number of men in the government

has fallen from 89 to a frankly catastrophic 82. No! As for the average age, it has plummeted from 52 to a low jeans wearing rap music enjoying age of 51. Oh! It's absolutely, it's a massacre over here Tom. You can't believe what's going on. My concern with this is that the Daily Mail does not know the meaning of the word massacre. And they think massacre is a slight reduction in something. And the St. Valentine's Day massacre

was just a year where greeting car sales were slightly down. I mean, I'm very concerned about this, because as I'm middle aged white man from the home counties, I don't know, who is representing me in government? Where will my voice be heard? in government. When will my voice be heard? The full cabinet remains 74% male and 96% white. Yay! Champion! Name's Champion!

Whee, whee, whee, whee! What I want to know Andy is, when will the bugle return to those sort of stats? I cannot believe it. You've had Johnny foreigners and Johnny women all over this place. Well, yeah, and as we've heard already today, Tom, Tom Ballard himself is an abomination in the art of the law. Thank you. That took way longer than normal. You could have a catchphrase in it. Yeah, why do you think there's a heatwave, Tom?

Why do you think there's a heatwave? Join the dots. We did get gay marriage last year, yeah, I guess he's taking that out on the bats. That's brutal. Yeah, that's right. That is biblical stuff, isn't it? You legalize gay marriage and bats, brains, boil in their heads. Just wait for a Jewish guy to walk from Australia to New Zealand now.

Telling us what's going to happen. You're referring to a buzzer Jewish guy. Moses, he was on his... What's that Jewish guy going on about? About the beggars? There's a couple of subsidiary stories involving the Daily Mail this week. One is that Virgin Trains have actually banned the sale of the Daily Mail in fringing people's freedom of speech, Andy. Right. Or, depending on your perspective on it, either it's aning people's freedom of speech, Andy. Right. Or, I mean, depending on your perspective on it,

either it's an infringement of freedom of speech or it's a non-fucking story. LAUGHTER Basically Virgin Trains have sell newspapers on their trains and they have decided to not sell the Daily Mail. Now, there's a little bit of confusion over this because this story, apparently originally, has its roots in about six months ago

when they took a decision as a company to stop selling the Daily Mail because it was selling so poorly. But now Virgin have dressed this up as a philosophical stand because Virgin themselves have gone through a couple of pieces of unpleasant PR over the last few months because as a company, they're actually in the process of attempting to sue the NHS

and their trainfares have actually massively increased. So just feel like a bit of a PR stunt. But obviously the Daily Mail have lost their goddamn mind. They're described as sort of freedom speech. Now, Andy, I'm a non-driving stand-up comedian. So I take the train all the time. Now I like to read the Guardian and Empire magazine. Neither of those are available on Virgin Trains.

So what I do is, I go to these magical places called News Asgons that we have in train stations and I just buy them and I take them on the train with me cause I'm a f***ing adult. And I don't stand there screaming about my freedom of speech being violated. Right. It's a f***ing non-story.

Also, the Friday Mac and Daily Males is a massacre on the trains. It's been a massacre for a few years. It's been an absolute match. This is like living in a police state, isn't it? Except you're still able to buy the newspaper somewhere else if you want. It's next soon, or with a daily female, if the very people you see have their way. What I can't understand about this story is the idea that anyone was buying the daily

male on the train, anything. Because you thought if you're sitting on a British train, why would you want to make yourself even angry about this? Double negative, Andy. That's out to... maybe cancel each other out. Yeah, they cancel each other out, yeah. The only thing I would say is that if I was the daily mail, and I think we can all agree I am, I would maybe take a long hard look at myself because if a company like Virgin with at best questionable ethical practices is making moral judgments on you, how shitty must

you be? It's like being told by Skeletor that you need to be nicer. Well, I think that was really the tipping point for Islamic State is when they got told off by Saudi Arabia. That was funny, really think no, that's something to go on very very early. Oh guys, take the flags down. We've definitely taken this too far. Further British asshole news. Toby Young has been the center of more controversy this week. Tom, where are you guys of Toby Young? I'm interested to know how far he's traveled. No, what is he? He's an absolute asshole, wanker man, who's in charge of university things.

Well, he was appointed to a board that's overseeing parts of tertiary education in this country. And he, for a little bit of background on him, he describes his previous job before he was involved in education as journalistic provocateur, which is of course from the Latin meaning total f***ing money. He's part of the sort of subgenre of f***ing money

that sort of plaguing British discourse at the moment and not, I mean, plaguing British discourse, but also currently residing in the White House. But he, he, he's said a lot of contentious things very deliberately in newspaper columns and on Twitter. And that's all sort of fine. You know, we've all expressed opinions and, you know, we've all utilised our freedom of speech. The problem is that when it came to him being involved in education, it turns out that some of those comments came back to bite him on the ass. He talked a lot about women's breasts and also at one point disguised himself as a woman to try and pick up lesbians, something which he did for an article he was subsequently paid for.

And he's now been forced, he says, by an angry mob to step down from his post in the education port. He's, you know, well I'm a comedian, I've said some truly reprehensible things, most of them on this podcast. I value my use of freedom of speech but I do realize that if at some point I suffer the sort of catastrophic brain injury that fundamentally changed my personality and decided I wanted to be involved in education some of those things might come back to buy me a new house. So I mean if

I ever did take up a job in a school I imagine my hearing would just involve people playing extracts with this podcast, including the conversation we just had about the Queen's Boop. Provocator, provocator. American news now and well, it wouldn't be a day ending in the syllable day or a year ending in something following three digits following two at the moment. If Donald Trump did not say something that just made you slightly regret the evolution of life, according to Washington Post and a meeting with law makers concerning immigration. He said, why are we having all these people from shit's whole countries come here?

Now I am never one to defend Donald Trump unnecessarily. But can a man not ask a rhetorical question without everyone assuming he's an inculverated racist spanner? I mean, there's a number of things here. A number of things. And as I said, I'm not a massive fan of Trump, or they're appreciating an understanding fact that last there is someone in the White House prepared to stand up for the big guy to protect the un-possacuted minorities like oil barons and billionaires and leave no stone un-eurinated on in his effort to ensure America is at the vanguard of 20th century industries

as this third millennium proceeds. But let's cut in some slack here. For a start, shithole countries, obviously an acronym, like BRIC countries. BRICS, the shithole is states having immense trouble, having obviously lost everything. State, you know, like Haiti, as he mentioned. Unfortunate acronym use by Trump, he completely unique national treasure. As I've said, brick countries, or if you add to that,

it's Brazil, Russia, India, China, or bricks if you add to Africa, or if you add to Africa, Hungary, Indonesia, Thailand, Hong Kong, and more and you're a guy, Saudi, or Abraham, Ecuador, brick shit house country. But anyway, what I wanna know, when are we gonna hear the leaked audio of the rest

of this conversation and Donald Trump's answer to his own rhetorical question? Well, luckily, thanks to the status of network of people contacts within the White House in a sanctum. We do have secret recording of Donald Trump's answer to his own question. So, Donald, why is it that you are having all these people from shit hole countries come to America? Because they are the people and countries most in need of Bokodis in generosity. The nations like the United States of America. Right, I mean that's nice to hear isn't it? He knows that these countries need it. Countries like, he continued. Develop nations. I've been unbelievably lucky to see the hands of the people. That fate has dumped them. Right, well that's good.

And he carried on. And who, therefore, don't need to go around stealing good people from other countries. Mr. O'Rourke, what's the fake? America's a nation, founded, above all else, on immigration, and giving the people of the world the hope and dream of a better, brighter, and more prosperous future. So there we go. I mean, and he concluded by saying,

I mean, come on, everybody. What the fuck, sake? We need to grow this f*** up about this kind of shit. Yeah. Yeah. It's such a different man sort of behind the scenes, you know, compared to his public face. It's so weird, those sort of behind the scenes recordings that you have access to exclusively here in Eagle land.

It's very different. There's a lot of vested interests in the media that don't want this kind of good stuff about Trump coming up. You are the kind of me wolf of... Yeah, I'm anti-wolf. He did to be fair because I know this sounds a little bit hypocritical from us, but he did say this. And of course, this also applies to the uniting kingdom.

Yep, so that's good to know that. We're in the same boat. And to us, right now. And to us and that. Yeah. And well I think he's aware of, you know, Tom, you've done shows all about the immigration issue in Australia. Thank you, Tom. I'm not going to subject you.

Oh, I can't. You're a big fan in the world. That's so sweet. Oh my god! You're a big fan in the world. That's so sweet! Oh man. It's lovely. Thank you so much. Nish, sorry. You can't say anything about this,

because you are big Muslims. He's not denying it. He's not denying it. He's not denying it. I can be that good-forbred or denied in salications. I think you're going to find it. That you 100% are, in fact, Muslim. So, just to be clear, these are secret recordings that you have that are somehow now having a conversation with us here on the bugle.

Funny how the world works, these things, isn't it? It's so long that way. Yeah, it's very interesting. Okay, where to start? I think the most concerning thing is that your heavily tampered, Trump extracks are, in fact, no less coherent than way to speak.

It's a bit like his brain is doing that to the words that are coming out of his mouth anyway If you want to hear more of Conversation with Donald Trump, but yeah, I had a long chat with him about the ashes actually on the last episode of the Irm believable ashes podcast which is available online In other Trump news. He's cancelled a scheduled trip to London to open the spanking new US Embassy, which has he's cancelled it is not because of, you know, any dispute with her majesty, the coin about something, about, you know, I know her refusing him to go out on a date with him or anything like that, or dispute with Britain as a nation, or the fear of millions of people protesting his visit. It's due to him being annoyed about property

prices. He tweeted this. The reason I cancel my trip to London is that I'm not a big fan of the Obama administration having sold perhaps the best located and finest embassy in London for quotes, peanuts, only to build a new one in an off location for $1.2 billion bad deal. Bad bad deal. Well, I mean, I know there are things for this, it was in fact the Bush administration that set this the wheels and motion for this, but, you know, I mean, let's not let that fact get in the way of his fact that it was Obama, clearly. Also, the new embassy has a moat! It has a f***ing moat! Unbelievable.

Back to be right up Trump's alley, surely. It's twice as big as the old embassy, and in Trump's speak, that means it's twice as good. It's basically the only logistically feasible site in London given American security needs. It's the old site, it's value was driven down by grade two listed status, rather than a bad deal by the Obama and grade two listed status,

or to be fair, it is known the Barack Obama being a Muslim from Kenya law. And it's also, it is being redeveloped as a completely unnecessary luxury hotel. What part of this deal is not in your hitting zone Donald? It's got Trump written through it, like the message in a stick of rock. It's unbelievable. But it is amazing that he's managed to blame this on a Barack Obama when it has absolutely nothing to do with him. And it does concern me that by the end of Trump's presidency, the traditional motto of the United States would have been changed from

E. Puribus Unum to Blamus Ittus on the Blackest Guy. I think people want to go to America from shit hole countries to make them feel better about their own shitty countries. They just want to look around the US, check out the situation to go, you know what, things in Yemen right now could be worse. But it's good that he's managed to be put off coming to Britain for whatever the reason is, because he's very worried about the state of protest, obviously, and there could be more tension coming up because there are some rumors that Prince Harry who's impending wedding is obviously at the tip of all

of our tongues every day and bring it at the moment. He might be inviting Barack Obama but not inviting President Trump. And I say we go one further than that and we start inviting other people that Donald Trump would be upset to have there. So I think we should get Barack Obama, Rosie O'Donnell and the entire population of Mexico involved. In just a quick bit of Trump's old friends news, Steve Bannon leaving Brightbot's very sad for fans of right wing hate mongering. Rumors. Rumors that he could be starting a new Column and Teen Vogue magazine with some health beauty and sex tips.

Also, hearing some chat on the wires that he's been lined up for the Arsenal job. We'll report back on that next week. He is. There is a space that's just recently opened up on the advice we've brought for British universities. Judging by their previous screening process, Bannon would walk in. Now, the last person to have this job was an absolute

f***, do you feel like you could match that with you take on the role, Steve? Yes, yes I could. We're looking for people who are f***ing for money. Yeah. We are over time already. Thanks for your emails, particularly to Axel Browne Yes, member of the GB Bob Slay squad

Currently waiting to hear if he's gonna make the Olympic team good luck Axel And if you're listening Bob Slay selectors east clearly by far the breakiest break man in your squad Put him in the team. We will have the Winter Sports PUN run that has been commissioned by Axel. Oh my god. Great. All British Olympians past present and future in both summer and winter games will be delivered next week. Yes. At the Bugal Live Show at the Les De Square Theatre. On Thursday, the 18th, it will feature me, Alice Fraser and Mark Stil on Bugal Davies. It should be a tremendous show. There are still some tickets available, Chris.

There are a few. Correct. So do get them off the internet and we'll see you all there next Thursday. So thanks, do keep your demos coming in to HelloBuglers at theBuglePockers.com and of course your build-up competition. Before we go, it's plug section. Yes, my tour begins on Saturday the 13th, which is probably already passed by the Throbialist into this in Southport. Sunday the 14th in Sulford at the Lowry. Then there's the Bugle Live Show on Thursday. On Friday, I'm at the Glea in Birmingham and Saturday the 20th at the Art Trick in Bronze Grove.

The tour goes on until early March and then comes this my first date in Ireland for about 15 years. That's great. I had a bit of a contorton with the town of Kilani. I think I talked about a few. I did talk about horrible flashbacks. I love the idea of you having a beef with a whole town. Tom, have you got anything to plug?

Oh yes, well, the good people of Australia can see my show tonightly on ABC comedy every single night of the week a hilarious show about the news. Imagine that imagine doing Calvary about set our and stuff. Every single night 9pm on ABC comedy is where on Facebook and there's a podcast and YouTube and all that kind of stuff you can find us on Twitter at tonightly if you so wish. Nish. Your series is coming back. Yeah, the match report is returning. It's also a satirical show, but it happens once a week, because I do not have ballads frankly, stank of I work ethic. So that returns next Thursday at 10pm on BBC2.

And if it sounds like I'm reading those off the programme's official website, that's because I am. So there you go. I think what we've all done is that if you do the bugle, you get your own secret. Just hang out with me. I'm the magic man. I'm the star maker.

It works out for everyone. I've got a TV show. This is gonna TV show. And he keeps doing the podcast. I mean, everybody wins. You guys were going nowhere. We won our 15th game of the show. Look, that loser Oliver.

Nothing. Nothing until he did this show. Until next time, you, Gus. Good luck. you