The Bugle - Bugle 4061 – Three Day Heart attacks

Episode Date: March 3, 2018

Andy is joined by Tiff Stevenson and Bugle newb Felicity Ward (please afford her the standard Bugle welcome) for a global tour of the news, including Chinese dictators, Aussie mullets, American guns, Italian elections and British fudges.Plus, how do men demonstrate they really understand women's pain?With@HelloBuglers@tiffstevenson@felicityward@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Uglers! Don't all the silent treatment is out, I said hello, Uglers! Okay, you'll not be pleasant with the other end of this microphone.

I am Andy Zoltzmann. I'm in London, the famous British celebrity that plays host to such famous tourist attractions. As some Paul's Cathedral, statistically, one of the most successful cathedrals in the world, based on the percentage of prayers answered by the Almighty Lord. It's at 14.89% currently, which is very high up the list although St Paul himself of course never came to London, but recognisable brand and it's the city you do it again. Also in this city we have the River Thames, one of the best performing rivers in its length category, the sub-250 mile river class, particularly after the star Russian river, the Volga, was disqualified

after turning out to have been more than 2,000 miles too long as there nothing the Russians won't cheat. I got the 70 kilometer long Syrian river, the Yarmouk, to pretend it was the vulgar banal law, I say. Other attractions in this city include some benches, a hedge, Eric the pigeon, still pecking away amongst the other pigeons, once apparently pets or seeds at a hands of one of the spice girls, according to Ruma, though there's unconfirmed at this stage.

And the British Institute of Low Level Grumbling about stuffing general one of the most powerful behind the scenes' influence in British politics. Joining me this week on the Bugle, returning to the Bugle for the first time in 2018, it's welcome back to Tiff Stevenson. Hi. Hello, Tiff. I was waiting to see for the first time since what, and just the beginning of a new year. Right, Yes. For the first part since well England lost the ashes as well. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Where is that home? It's probably not a massive event in your life. I know it was. I mourned for a couple of days. I mean, I didn't. No. I've had the boyfriend gloating over the fat that Scotland be England at the rugby and he

doesn't even like rugby. But just an opportunity to stack it to the English. So yeah, that's a pleasure to be here in the snow. Yes, I mean, it's been a snow pockleps here in London. We've done very well to survive this long. I like that you avoided snowmageddon, which has been popularized by people looting in Tesco's, just in case they get trapped in their house. Snowmageddon is how it's been described.

Well that's what supermarkets are for and it's difficult times. And joining us for the first time on the bugle. For the first time since ever. Since the beginning of time since the Big Bang started this whole sorry process of. Given the people what they want, me. Fresh and co-hosting the unbelievable Asi's podcast. We can talk about the England losing again if you like. I'm surprised you didn't bring that up with me. It is, well you've already heard her. Now find out her

name. It is Felicity Wars. Hello. Hello. It's great to have you all in the kitchen. Hello. You do the same, hello. You did the same, hello for the unbelievable action. Well, it's all about branding, isn't it? It is. I love it so much, though. I don't know why it's funny. Just you're going, hello.

Actually, there's an ad campaign in Australia. I don't think it's Harvey Norman, but it starts off, he goes, hello. Am I in that? And it feels a little bit like that. Maybe he's just making me homesick. Okay, I mean, I'm really looking for a career in jingles. Oh, maybe that's the first. I didn't know the hello is important.

I want to do a new one. Hi, hi. Right, that's branding. So, we are here on the second of March 2018. It's the anniversary of the 2nd of March in 1770 and to commemorate the 301st anniversary of a truly historic moment. It was the first ballet ever performed in England, entitled The Loves of Mars and Venus, which sounds like a slightly dubious 1970s film, but it was in fact the first ballet performed in England and to commemorate this historic moment in history of British

Promcing. We are giving it a free bit of DIY audio ballet. Stand on your tippy toes. Waggle your arms around a bit. Stick one left in the air. Looks at, fall over slowly. Get back up. Slowly, speedy, speedy. Waggle arms in the leg. Jump up and down. Well done. This is issue 4,061 of the bugle. Oh my god. Are you tired?

Well, though, it's, I mean this... It's a bit cheating. Yeah, well, we did cheat. We skipped out from 294 to 4000. That's still a lot of records. Yeah, when I when we relaunched, we, they are recorded. We just haven't put them out yet. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, go go. But if you ever hear any episode numbered between 295 and 3,999, it will be assigned at nuclear war is imminent. How good. Are they like a locked file? None of your business.

Very snappy off the top, okay. Wow. This is the beautiful for the week beginning Monday the 5th of March and on this date in 1616 Nicholas Copernicus's smash hit book on the revolutions of the Heavenly Sphere, which also sounds like a dodgy 1970s film, that was added to the index of forbidden books by the Catholic Church. 73 years after it was first published, but of course then the damage should already be done, the sun and seacer revolve around the earth. We lost our place at the centre of the universe, well there really that sense of declining influences behind both the Trump and the Brexit votes recently so thanks a f***ing lot Copernicus you're still sky-bothering star pervert, you f***ing snoopy tellers, gulping at naked galaxies and s***

filth monster, and cop off my, cop off my, cop off my, cop off, and that's two weeks in a row Copernicus has been on the show. He's a hot topic. Have any of those stars me to him yet? Well, not yet, but Matt Leroy time, isn't it? Yeah, you know, it's just the male gaze, isn't it? Eee! Eee! Not a moment to soon.

On this day in 1953, Joseph Stalin, the pin-up boy of Soviet authoritarianism, 25-time USSR celebrity being a brutal despot, series winner. What a series that was. He popped his clogs, died. Thought that might get a chief, you two really massive fans. I just like the fact that you had to explain what popped his clogs was. Just in case we weren't sure. Well, I wasn't so much you. I don't know if it's quite a British, quite a British race to pop one's clogs. I don't know. I mean, you'd think it would't sure. Well, I wasn't so much you I don't I don't know if it's it's quite a British quite a British roast to pop one's clogs I don't know I mean you'd think it would be Dutch. Yeah exactly. Yeah. Yeah, just pop them what happens Do they just presume that when you die the gases just like I don't build up and fire your clogs off the end of your feet Well, that's popping your clogs. Yeah as we all know there are valves at the end of your toes that are only revealed when you do die

Biology can fight it science science valves at the end of your toes that are only revealed when you do die. That is biology. Confide it. Science. Science. As always, a section of this esteemed audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. This week we are looking at text art ups. Now Spotify this week was valued at 23 billion pounds dollars. Well, pounds, this is where the exchange rate is going. And we give you the Bugle Business Guide to tips for text art ups to invest your hard earned virtual money in including nullify an app that deletes all your photos, music videos, and everything else in your digital life and prevents you accessing anything outside your immediate three-foot circle. Rumor to boost human productivity by 18,000% just at the idea stage

and market value $100 billion. Also bubble up, that prevents any people's stories or opinions intruding into your own personal political bubble. So far just three lines of code and a pencil drawing of a cartoon bubble. That's worth 250 billion. And testify. That's a new app that turns your favorite novel into a test match scorecard. So of course, as we know, good test match. It's like a good novel in terms of narrative complexity. That is worth $1.4 trillion. Huge demand for that in this room. In the testify? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I, I mean, 66% of the people in this room would get that or reckon. How much is it to download? To download for you, 20 grand. For me, that is a hot price. Thank you so much. Anyway, that section in the bin. Top story this week, The World. All kinds of things happening in the world and we're

going to take you through the most important of them. Beginning in China where Xi Jinping, yes, thanks for that. Xi Jinping, I like saying it. It's a lovely collection of syllables. It really is. It's satisfying. And we might be able to say it's for basically eternity now because he is essentially in the process of a massive power grab to make himself life president. Hmm, press for life. Of China. And more importantly China as part of this they'll temporarily ban the letter N from all speech and conversation if I may exaggerate the story. It's likely. Could you say that again? That was me trying to say again without the letter. I know you got it. Sesame spring. I don't know what the Winnie the Pooh thing is apparently he's been compared to Winnie the Pooh. I don't know maybe he doesn't wear pants either.

Yes, because that's the main thing I know about Winnie the Pooh. He did also try to bring down Mousy Tongue when he was first in power Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. He nicked off from Ashdown Forest in South East England with Piglet of course. Never seen again. With a jar of army. Well that's an interesting comparison though Mal. Because obviously there was a charismatic leader a long time ago who said he was for the poor. He bought in a totalitarian regime and that ended well didn't it?

So I thought you were talking about Jesus for a second there I think I got my stories mixed up if you guys have been no I haven't oh I've been to Hongkos I've been to Hong Kong oh Hongkos right sorry I genuinely didn't know why you didn't understand what I was saying like the country I thought I was like a strip club or something wow okay it's like a it's like a generic version of hooters, but they didn't want to, you know, they didn't want to copy the name. They didn't want to bother with the t-shirt. Yeah, that's right. They just went straight for underwear. They just do topless yum chah at honkets. When I was there, right, everywhere you go, they've got all these like chairman mow, ash trays, mugs. I bought my

boyfriend this bright red chairman Mao T-shirt, he put it in the wash and it destroyed all the other clothes. Which I thought was beautifully on it. Like there's a force collectivisation cycle on the machine. But it's terrifyingly close to what, to going down the road that Mao went down, and that ended like 90 million lives. Well I mean that's less than ideal isn't it? I mean that's even worse than what

John Major did here. Because there were hopes that China would become more open, liberal, democratic as it became more of a sort of global force. But it's almost as if China has taken a look at how we in the open, liberal, democratic democracies of the Western, liberal, open, democratic world are conducting our open, liberal democracies and thought, you know, let's fucking hold fire on that. And I think it's working. Not for me. They're looking at North Korea and going, what can we learn from those guys?

That seems to be going really well. They got snappy haircuts, like the kind of their gym. All right. Also, abolishing constitutional time limits on President of terms, we all know who's watching that and thinking, oh, that is a very good idea. Really? I don't know if we have them in Australia.

Really? We seem to get through Prime Minister's about once every eight months. I know. I know. We've got a good metabolism. What can I say? John Howard, though, was in for like 11 or 12 years, and that felt like an eternity, and he did some bad things. It's like when you're watching a film that's critically acclaimed and you're like, I mean, I don't get it, this just feels like a thin red line. I remember watching that going, I just, I'm lost. And then I said, oh, I suppose it's good cinematography. And my mom went, they filmed it in Farnorth Queensland. You can't f*** that up. You make

an excellent point, Trevlin. And you should be a movie reviewer. There was another movie, there was a movie, um, with notes on a scandal, and Kate Blanchett was in it, and Mum went sort of the movies, and I went, how was it? And she goes, oh, it's just two and a half hours of cardigans. Yes, please. Yes, uh, President, uh, G, sorry, President 11. I'm already in that room. Uh, the Jing Ping, incidentally, they'd pay best selling cocktail in China at the moment. Dictator for life is essentially, the thing is with that term, there are certain get-outs

in what for life means, as for example, Colonel Godaffee would testify. There can be some fairly abrupt severance causes. In the dictator of a life. So they banned the letter N, which was the very search terms are blocked on the Chinese Twitter equivalent weibo, including the phrase personality cult. You can understand them banning that at their end from that I guess. That could be mistyping. Also, they banned 1984, all references to 1984, presumably the harrowing memory of England losing five nil

to the West Indies, and a test-match series that summer. Let's, we forget. Let's never forget. We can forgive, but we could never forget. I think that's the year man you be ever to naturally in the FA Cup as well. I didn't know you were a never forget. I think that's the year man knew be Everton actually in the FA Cup as well. I didn't know you were a football girl.

I think I was 85. Was it 85? I think Everton beat Watford in 84. Chris, can you check that please? Stat check. Refereeed by Peter Willis of County Durham. Of course, famously. First man ever sent someone off in a cut final.

It was Everton Neil Manchester, 1981. Yeah, it is. It's 1985. The reason the end was banned, it was something to do with some mathematical formula that was tweeted as some kind of implied criticism of the government I think. That's to me sounds over-sensitive, banging 120, I mean it's obviously not the same alphabet, but let's go with 126th of the alphabet. Sure. The globally correct alphabet.

Well a friend of mine in China was viciously clamped down on by a succession of Chinese leaders over the years firstly because he promoted a new brand of feminist alcoholic drinks, spirits, high alcohol drinks designed specifically for women and he was caught on a lapel badge for his, you know, she called his, his she gin pin. He got very nervous as was out of this whenever confronted by anyone who looked like an authority figure and particularly the prominent bit under his mouth so we always like to keep with him at all times a huge chintao, huge chinta times a huge tin towel, huge tin towel, I mean maybe you need a slight working knowledge of Chinese leaders anyway.

But he wasn't happy with the quality so we rang the towel shop and I said don't worry sir, we'll give you a replacement, you can change him in any of our high street stores, you can no way, finish with the retail outlets. I'm don't I'm done Shalping. He got ready cross and he pulled his trousers and underpants down to make his point about how cross he was. It was just a bit of a nervous tiki. No one should fail to notice his tiny tiny almost rodent like member. He had a mousey dong. Oh wow. I'm gonna walk out. This early in your day. I know.

But he was surprisingly very gullible, easily hoodwinked. I once told him his favourite martial arts actor and star of such films as Drunken Master Rumble in the Bronx and Rush Hour was actually from Prague, not Hong Kong. He said, what Andy? The Chan guys' chick? The Chan guys' chick. I mean, even you weren't confident in that last one Not really

Headphones are clean off Greco It's not more is there well no, but I just, you know, the Chinese leaders need to be lamponed through the medium of a kind of bullshit. They're trying to suppress. You stick it to the end. Or authoritarianism with puns. Yep, that's the only way. That's a true meaning of satire.

Oh, without the letter N with pass. With pass. With booze. A Russian policeman has been accused of writing propouting graffiti on a fence. This is great, isn't it? The police denied it was graffiti and then the fence mysteriously disappeared. You know, walking fences? Or Russia?

It does suggest that Russia slightly lost its age because I mean time was it wasn't fences that would disappear it was entire towns they collected intelligence here and anyone who even looked like a poet. Now just a fence. I mean what are you Putin? Man or mouse. But if we are if you is listening we do support the regime. It's a bit of a desperate move isn't it? It's kind of like sending a Valentine's card to yourself to make someone else jealous, which I've totally never done. Have you done it?

Oh my God, please tell me you've done it. I did it at school, yes. Oh, sweetie. It was to try and make Darren this guy that I liked at the time, jealous. So I opened it in the classroom and I was like, oh, I'm pretending that I didn't know that there was gonna be a cab there on the front of this.

That's so great. I did it. Look, I think with Putin, Putin is what happens if a movie was made where the plot is what if an actual penis was a superhero? He looks like an actual penis. His face looks like a penis with two eyes, like he's ripped, but then just has a penis head. I'm not even like trying to be mean. He looks like a penis. He's a walkin' dick pick. He's a walking snapchat dick pick.

Let's move on to the Italian elections coming up this weekend and well the potential return of Bugle favourite Silvia Berlusconi and I don't know it's a weird time for Berlusconi because since he was lost in in power the the goalpost for being a lunatic leader of well not so much moved as grown white and exponentially it was like the America to one look at Burlesconi's Italy and raised them, Trump's America. Super sized it. Yeah, super sized. It's Italy digging Emperor Nira out of retirement.

It's really how hard to see our Burlesconi can match up to the levels that are being set around the world now. It's like a faded sports star coming back for one ill-advised last shot at the big time. I do have an explanation of what's going on with Burlesconi at the moment in Italy via my boyfriend. Right. It was a little section that we like to call Scottish boyfriend explains a thing. Oh right, okay, the return of Scottish boyfriend explains a company by bagpipes, one will presume again. But cultural sensitivity. For cultural sensitivity and my beautiful attempt at the accent,

Scottish Boyfriend Explains the thing. Here's a hangry. The Italians have brought in a new electoral system that requires any government seeking power to have the support of both chambers of parliament. It seems like they've implemented this because there's a new party who will likely to have a majority, but everyone in the main party thinks they're a bunch of fannies. So it's meant a streamlined hangs, right, but it has nearly. Add to the fact that Italy was one of the worst hit European countries in the 2008 financial crisis, you know, obviously not as bad as Greece but close. And you end

up with a fractured political landscape and lots of smaller parties which generally more and more extreme ideals, not unlike here really, only our electoral system makes it less likely to look like Wankers like Farage get elected. Now he's a really crazy hang that I just lost the accent there, but we'll find it. Mindbullis Gony! I, the Play Do Guy, looks like more of the heartbeat. He's, he got done having sex and drug fueled Bunga Bunga parties. Well he's back in the fold as leading force behind the coalition that has a strong chance of winning. Obviously, can he be elected because it all afrode in the toot? But he I have a lot of power again and it's maybe no bad thing considering the far right candidate now as the back and a steep

ban and better banger banger parties than make it really great again no actually I tell you what we make it really great see how they're smashing pizzas that they make fire them in a deep fat fryer can margit. There we go well now we will understand it. I find you a bit more attractive. Is that? Is that? I enjoy like kind of living with someone that occasionally talk to me and it sounds like a threat. Yeah, I get that. You should have been married to South African. I married a lawyer. I'm very similar. I do weird. The way it's really keeps coming back to Burlaskone.

It's, to me, very much, making the same mistake over and over again, it's not when you meet a man who's lost both hands in separate, threshing machine accidents. One could easily be misfortune, bad luck, at a stretch, a horseplay, two be f**king wanted to hurt himself. A quick Brexit update now, and while the launch of Empire Part 2 is getting closer seemingly by the day on an almost daily basis, it seems, Theresa Mayer said that Britain should come back together. It's unclear when we were last together.

I think probably 1945 on VE Day was the last time that we were anything approaching together. I quite like talking about Brexit. It's sort of been dragging on for so long. It's almost retro talking about it again. It's like, you. Let's come back into fashion. Yeah, it's like a hypercolotation of you know the terrible international decision like I'm like oh you guys gonna collapse your

economy from the inside great to see you again cute hmm like a magical eyepitcher they're coming back in exactly what is it what is it is it fiscally f***ed it is it's preset or a boat um yeah Brexit for me I'm the opposite. I just Brexit now stands for brain exit. I hear it and I just think, oh god. I don't know if I have anything fresh or exciting to say about it and neither do the politicians. Nothing's gonna happen. Nothing continues to be happening. Again and again after meeting me. Nothing's happening.

Well that's, I mean what this country voted for. Exactly. We voted having not thought about what would happen afterwards. And the government has a duty to put that into practice. And I am. That void of planning. If anything, they should be applauded for carrying out the lack of planning. Respecting the will of the people.

Exactly. As the great Swedish philosophers Anderson and Ulvius famously wrote, breaking up is never easy we know, but we kind of have to go because we voted to go in a general hunchy kind of way without really looking at the specifics of what leaving actually entailed, and now going back on that, or even revisiting it, would make a lot of people really angry, and we really need to take a long hard bath at all ourselves and think about how the f**k we do democracy better going forward. So it's an awkward situation as they famously sang back in the 1970s.

So, reason why set out five tests that had my full attention for a future EU-UK deal as less of my attention. Will it be a whitewash? It's the question. She wants the deepest and broadest possible trade agreement to replace the deepest and broadest possible trade agreement we evicted ourselves from. A betrayal of all those leave voters who voted for isolation and national decline. Do their votes mean ****ing nothing. She also said that her long-term goal is the bespoke economic partnership. It's not a pantsuit, eraser.

You can't just go in, give your measurements, then pick it up in a fortnight. It's a little bit more detailed than that. It's like breaking up, isn't it? And then going, but I still want to bang. I still want to bang and live with you and co-parent our children and share bills. Yeah, but we're just not saying we're together. But we're not together. These are the five points in the deal apparently any deal must respect the referendum result

Any deal must not break down. That's nice and vague is love. Wow I must project protect jobs and security And any of you must be consistent with the kind of country we want to be modern outward looking and tolerant Where the fuck was that in any of the campaigning modern outward looking and tolerant. What the fuck was that in any of the campaigning? And any agreement must bring the country together. And I mean, it's harder. I mean, how can you issue that list of,

it's harder issue of vague list of demands other than just kind of going, yeah. There must be signatures on it. Signatures, yeah, just draw like a cloud or something. And that'll do. Just put together a thing. And just a thing. Just, she might as'll do. Just put together a thing. Yeah.

She might as well have written thing, five times thing. Clearly the five tests we should be having, will the agreement make us feel at least 1.6% more in control of our national destiny? That is the threshold for an indefinable sense of national freedom. Also, will we still be able to send stag parties and other battalions of the Queen's Royal

British youthful and ebriards to vomit in the city centre of Europe's Great Capitals? That's very important. That should be number one, I think. Yeah, will we get our promised V sign from the Cliffs of Dover? Ah! As discussed, we must get that, must be at least 500 metres tall. And will it enable Britain still to be able to blame all of our national problems on a Europe and b Johnny and John at a foreigner or John or Itrange

Diana Streniero Jan Auslander or Juan Ignacio extra n'ero we need to pin it on all of them we might have voted to leave the EU but we did not vote to lose both of our keynote national scapegoats. Like any nation we need scapegoats to stop us turning on mirror on ourselves and Brexit or no Brexit, Europe must accept that this is one historic bond with the continent we will not abandon. Please don't leave. I want to know if people of Britain can still go to the leaning tower of Pisa stand about 100 meters in front of it, but make it look in a photo like they're the ones that are holding it up. Are we still allowed to do that?

You can't do that. You're probably alright as an Australian physicist. That's true. An American tourist is fine, but I think we're not. I'm so sorry for your loss, guys. That's the big loss. Yeah, I think we also have to take away anything that kind of is European-esque here. So for example, our fresco

dining has to go. I think we never should have tried that in the first place, really. You know, I'm a freezing cold day, see, people go, I'll just sit under this heat lamp and pretend that I'm on holiday and continental Europe. I once saw it up, I was up in the northeast in Newcastle to do a show and literally a group of Jordy women walked past and there was some chairs outside and one of them went, oh, I'm having that! And literally just picked it up and walked off with it. And it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was what the sharing economy is all about. It was so beautiful, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I was like, this is the opposite

of what this kind of European spirit is and I love it. Boris Johnson has as always dipped his poisonous cock into the inedible stew of Brexit. Like a platter of the edible stew of steeped his balls. And while he's compared the Irish border to the different zones in London's congestion charge. I was waiting for him to compare Boris Bites to repeal the eights. One ride and now you're f***ed. Also said you these words and it's hard to know exactly what he meant by this. He said you can't suck and blow at the same time.

Boris can. Well evidently. Evidently he can. It's, he blows, he blows hot air and he sucks as a human. Yeah, you're totally right. Can do both. I mean, I just, he never thought this is where he was going to be. He just wanted people to like him, Boris. That's what this whole thing has been very similar to Trump in that. I don't think that either of them actually want to be in politics. They just want the notoriety, the power, the fame. Yeah, swam in comedy. Yes, in weird sort of badly-satched blonde hair, herched atop.

I've never seen them in the same room at the same time, actually, so. I don't want to. You sure? They're not going to be hot for you for this evening. No, no, nobody thinks in, what are the things in my head that's gross. Let's cross the pond to the USA. USA! And the President, Trumpel Stiltskin himself, Followed some of his curious comments in the aftermath of the tragic shooting in Florida

By saying that he would have run into the school unarmed Like the military hero he is The draft dodgy to deal with I mean, in some ways so I just thought typical politician, just always thinking what would make me most popular. And Donald Trump, he thought running in and being shot is finally the way to win over the liberals to his cause.

He's right. He's absolutely right. There is, I think we've seen slightly in the past few days, the benefits of having a president who essentially just pisses with the wind. And you know, if there's a particularly strong public movement, he will swing behind it in some ways. And even he has urged lawmakers not to be afraid of opposition from the National Rifle Association despite all the things he said to them in the past. And essentially, as I essentially, he just wazes with the wind. And I mean, it's slightly surprising to hear him come out

in favor of not completely tooling everyone up in America for their own personal passion dials. The passion dials incidentally, easily the world's most harrowing mails strippers. LAUGHTER Oh, the mud. Do you have to take it all off? Are they from passion for the Christ? They're the dancers that didn't make the mud. Do you have to take it all off? Are they from Passion for the other Christ?

They're the dancers that didn't make the cut. Well, it goes to show how he just needs to be like halfway decent and like how public opinion will swing. Well, I'm not sure if I actually said this on the unbelievable Asher's podcast, but when you have bad mental health, like if you're very, very depressed and then you get slightly better,

you think you're normal again, it and then you get slightly better, you think you're normal again. It's just that your standards of good have become so low that you're like, oh, this is probably how I was living before. I mean, I haven't shed myself. That's going to be something, guys. Yeah. And we can't even say that Trump hasn't shed himself. We don't know that for so long. We don't know. Andy, you've got an insight on that. Oh, no. Don't know a great deal.

Have you shared yourself, Andy? Let's talk about that. Oh, I have. Have you? Oh, yeah. Which couple of times. That's the point that Andy just looks out at Chris. Chris was like, no, no, no, do the shit in yourself.

You know what? This is how Andy turns the same color as his hair. I did once accidentally ship myself on a water slide. Oh that's the worst! It was kind of like an unexpected enema. Were you scared? Or was it just like you were too quickly and then went straight into the water? No it was none of those things. I came off really quickly one way and the water came the other way and gave me an unexpected animal. Oh, literally. So the water literally just... And he's like, none of this is making it.

You are the kid that they had to evacuate because of us. Oh my God, we've met one. Australian news. Look, it's not all bad news, guys. Sometimes we just need a stereotype to restore us to sanity. And so you'll be happy to know that there was a little festival that took place very recently in a town called Currie Currie. Tell me you don't love it already. So good they named it twice. They just hosted the inaugural Mullet Festival. Yeah, I mean this is something that humanity has been waiting for.

It's just celebration of, you you know the world's most practical hairstyle It's not how far behind Australia is. No, we just were sitting in our hearts Okay, the curry curry were actually saying they started the mullet. They're saying it's it was invented. That's claim big claim Gun that's a bullshit. Yeah, well Jesus had a mullet Did he just about? No That's a big claim. Gone, that's a bullshit. Yeah, well. Jesus had a mullet. Did he just about, no. Depends which way you looking at that.

Yeah, it was. It was business at the front party at the back. Yeah. Jesus is so famously. It's very, very versatile. You'll be happy to know there was a competition and there was categories. There's your everyday one, you know,

your everyday mullet. That's your casual going up to the shop's hair cut. Then there's the grubby, a grubby mullet with, you get one, I don't know if that's a- That sounds like a cocktail. It's a grubby mullet, yeah. I don't know if it's to do with the quality of hair cut or the hygiene of the hair.

Either way, I wanna see. So I mean, if you're not gonna use that as your everyday mullet, wouldn't you need the grubby? Well, just, I mean, it depends what kind of person you wanna put yourself across as. If you wanna be you need the grubby. Well, just I mean, it depends what kind of person you want to put yourself across as. Right. If you want to be taken as a family mallet, you know, like someone that participates in society,

it's a community mallet. It's a community mallet. Really, right. But a grubby mallet, I think, it's got a permanent, it's got some curl, it's got some kick in it. It's got some unwashed curls, I would say. If not a dread, I reckon there's probably a dready or two.

Definitely a rat's tail hiding underneath the mullet. Right. It's the Chuck Norris of Haircuts. There's a little punch waiting underneath it. This is real. Ranga was one of the categories. Ranga, we as in Redhead. That was, it's a Ginga mullet.

That was a competition. You could go all right. I I mean there's a little bit of business at the front There's so much party at the back So you're party so they say about so many so party at the back You look like you've run so far towards business that you've just got party shooting out the back of you There was also women's The women's mullet and the shea mullet. The mullet is so nice. Imagine all of the cast of Prisoner Cell Block 8. Yeah, that's actually there was only one entrant and it was an 11 month old girl.

So she wouldn't have had a choice in that anyway. It's a non-consensual mullet. That's what that was. And finally, juniors. There's a juniors mullual mallet. That's what that was. And finally, juniors. There's a juniors mallet. And the sweetest part of that is that the winner said with the $50 price money, he was gonna buy a girlfriend a pie. Oh, that's someone that doesn't have a girlfriend, doesn't it? What does everyone want apart from a pie? Well, how would you get for Valentine's Day?

I can't tell you, tell me. All right, I'll just show you. Huh? That was my pay. That's it. And it's such a good news story. There was a guy who left the festival. It's a festival.

And he broke his leg because he was on his way to KFC. Of course he was. Of course he was. To meet Trump. Oh yeah. Oh. Um, the, I mean, there have been some great mullets in it. Oh, Jesus essentially wasn't far off from a mullet.

Isaac Newton. I mean, and Benjamin Franklin, one of the founding fathers of the USA. Oh, actually, that's pretty much a mullet for me. I don't think you know what a mullet is, mate. Well, you know, it's maybe stretching. Mullet, of course, etymologically quite interesting from a Latin word, meaning let him grow it long at the back. LAUGHTER

Chrissie Waddle. I was just reminded of the far show then. Chris Waddle, famous Mullet. Famous, well, I think that's when the Mullet in Britain really took off, didn't it? While saying it ceased to be an acceptable haircut when Chris Waddle missed that penalty in the World Cup seven times, can it touch the shame? Yeah, it's like the football inversion of Hitler's

moustache. Yeah, there's a Australian comedian last time I was out doing shows in Adelaide called Chris Sumpthink who has a mullet. Oh, there's more than one Chris Colleen. But it has a mullet, absolutely. Is there? Because this guy did a version of the song. Oh Chris Franklin. Yeah, he did a song, a version of the Meredith Brooks on Bitch called, I'm a bloke. And that was a number one hit in Australia for a long time. It was a country wide hit, like it was number one on the charts, bloke.

I'm a bloke, I'm an ocar, and I really love your knockers. Wow, I'm a laborer by day, I piss up all me pay. Look, it was a huge hit. I have absolutely no problem with that song. What's all that? And it was, I mean, it's rare that a comedian has a number one hit, so full respect. Pain news now and doctors have confirmed that period pain can be quotes as painful as

a heart attack. What? Yep. Really? Yes, as painful as a heart attack. Now, I'm a man who has never had a heart attack. But I think, you know, I think men can still relate to it and crystal back me up on this. But I've heard that it's also equivalent to seeing your team can see the last minute goal

Very similar I think this which this should be titled not pain news, but no shit show lock It it's incredible and sad and I know that last time I came on to the bugle I did talk about periods and the fact that I time I came on to the bugle I did talk about periods and the fact that I thought I was sinking with the apocalypse. So as far as I'm concerned stories wise if it bleeds it leads, I want to be the person that brings periods to the bugle consistently to upset people. But I am sometimes you don't have a choice you just bring your periods to your period is here. It's present. It's like another person to the table. You bring your period is here, it's present,

it's like another person in the room. But basically, the sad thing about this is how women's pain is just not taken seriously or listened to. And I'm someone who's sort of suffer from this. I take Cody regularly, my first day is apocalyptic. And because I'm, as I described it before, I'm building a house in my vagina, and it's in the process of being demolished.

So, you know, we're in a deconstruction phase, it's very painful. And yeah, I've had petted in shots, which is what they give. You mean when they're going into labor? You know, it's a serious thing. So I think a lot of women have been like, yes, we know. But finally, to have doctors turn around and go, oh no, this is a thing we hear you. Yeah, it's just like, unless we can relate it to everyone it doesn't count.

It's like, oh, you say it's really bad. I just don't know if men are gonna buy that. Yeah, I don't have a vagina, so I can't really understand. Yeah, and it's not even like feminist going, yeah, we, like, this is women going, we've been telling you for f**king centuries. Like, we pass out from the pain. We're not making that up. We're not like, oh, fragile little flowers.

We can pass a person through our giants. Yeah. The vagina can take a person, so we can take the pain. But we're telling you that it is still painful. So what are you going to do about it Andy? What are you personally going to do about it? Did you bring your mom poms today?

What I will do is I will eat as unhealthily as possible until I have a heart attack and then I will be able to relate to it. Then you can encourage all men to do the same. Every month for three days. So we'll have a three-day party. A hot snack. That's the pledge that the bugle is going to make. And I would like the listeners to do the same.

If there are any people that were born without female reproductive organs for the next, well, the rest of your life. Every month you have to eat badly enough to have a heart attack once a month that lasts at least one day. My dad did that once at Christmas, ate 20 respirators and gave himself a malt heart attack. I mean, it wasn't for me for periods, but he did. It was part of the struggle.

Here's the thing, I think all men need to step up now and understand. Partners, boy, friends, husbands need to be able to say, yes, I understand how painful this is, got them by the tampons. I mean my my fiancee does, he's quite good. I'll send him out to buy them, he will say what magnitude? So there's a part of him that still has to make it like a gun and a bullet but I'll set that that. That's okay. What size engine do you need? Yeah. How many, how many later fuel tankes do you want? Sorry. I'm so sorry. How many shops at goal later fuel tankers do you want? Sorry, I'm so sorry.

How many shops at goal is this? I don't know. What are the things the men talk about? That's it really. I'm going to get these days. How many, is it, there've been a lot of test runs. Yeah. Is it big bash?

Is it one day or is this a five day test? There we go. MUSIC Well, on that moving note, it is now time to wrap up this episode. Thank you very much for listening. Buglers, we'll be back next week. Thanks to Felicity for joining us for the first time. I'm so sorry, I'll never be able to do it again. Thanks to Tiff, whose tour is currently underway

as soon as the weather relents.ents. As soon as I'm hoping Tuesday which will now be the new first day of the tour which will be cold-tester and then I'm Leeds, City varieties, SoHo Theatre in May, everywhere else. Go and look on my website, find me on Twitter. I have a Netflix special If anyone wants to watch that, it's under the life from the BBC series on, it's only Netflix Island and the UK, it's not anywhere else in the world. So if you are outside that region, suck it. No, I'm, I'm, I'm joking.

It's not good anyway. Now, I think that's all, and if you want to see my gigs, then I have a website, which is just my gigs then I have a website which is just for LucidieWood.com. There you go. Well, there you go. Thank you for listening, Budelas. Until next time, goodbye. you