The Bugle - Bugle 4063 – The bots have won

Episode Date: March 24, 2018

Andy is with Helen and Nish to discuss Facebook and Cambridge Analytica, Japanese toilets, Russian 'elections' and the royal wedding. Plus, Helen does the sport section (really).With@HelloBuglers@mrnishkumar@helenzaltzman @ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, B you blues! And welcome to issue 4,063 of the B you will. Audio newspaper for a world which seems bizarrely comfortable with its own narcissistic self destructivising visuality.

Keeping audio world upset you less. I am Andy Zoltzmann, the zero time kosher keeping champion of the UK. No disgrace beaten by the better player of the day hands up. And I'm joined today by two of Britain's foremost emissaries to the planet Earth. Two people have been traveling the world exclusively for the bugle in recently, putting in the groundwork for Empire Part 2, the sequel. First up, back here in London, briefly in between trips to basically everywhere, it's Nish Kumar. Hello, Andy. Hello, Budglers. How are you? I'm well thanks, Nish. So, since you will ask on this show, you've been to, you've

basically been exploring the world, like, 21st century Columbus. Yeah, I've been going around the world and awkwardly observing people doing this what things that they do. I've basically been a member of the Royal family For the last the last three weeks just walking around places looking at people participating in their traditions Doing a really bad job of it and having people be nice to me out of shape or like this, right? So I mean where you've been to I was in New Zealand, first of all, from first to start, yeah, and I went to an event called the Golden Shears, three words for you Andy, competitive sheep shearing.

Beat that for obscure sports. Do you know how weird it is to be standing in a shed in the middle of rural New Zealand, watching three people race each other to see who can shear a sheep quickest and standing there thinking to yourself I can't wait to tell Zollsman about this. I'm about to one up Zollsman for obscure sports. What about the origin of the Trojan War? Three goddesses and a sheep shearing rice. Well, there's a couple of key innovations,

I think we should bring back to more sport. One of them is have the common takes is pretty much on the pitch. Yeah. They're right there. And they're saying things like, oh, he's doing a great job. Sheering their sheep.

Oh no, he's really slowed down. And I just think that would improve more sports if the competitors could hear what commentators were saying. Well, he's really smashing his face in right now. This boxing match is a complete waste of everyone's time because one of these guys is going to get absolutely killed. I went from there to Tahiti where I engaged in some Polynesian dancing, which I think we've already discussed. I did very badly. I really felt very close to William and Harry in that moment. Right. That's all I'll say about my potter-spirited and that. And then I went to Japan, amazing country, Andy Japanese culture has

improved my life so many in so many different ways, whether it's the compact disc player, the cinema of Akira Kurosawa or Sushi in Ramen. But it turns out the way it really changed my life was when I took a dump in a Japanese toilet. The rumors are all true. Whatever you've heard, it's more so. The seats were heated, a spray went up my ass to help deal with what I believe scientists refer to as the aftermath. I was unbelievable.

What a dump. I saw God in a Japanese toilet Andy and he cleaned my ass. What was the reanna song, wasn't it? Sounds like you've been having an absolute whale of a time, but I wish I'd been being chased by a boat with a large hopping. It's not all bad Andy., yes, there is whaling, but on the other hand, my cheeks were heated. And that sounds like another piece of commentary for a obscure sport, or even possibly England's latest efforts

on the test match cricket. And joining more of that later on, joining us live by Yogurtpot and String via another Yogurtpot in Orbit above the planet earth, it can clear a signal that way. All the way from the city which passes as a rather harsh two-word description of Bob Dylan, singer, poor, it's Helen's ultimate. Hello Andy, hello Nish, hello, buglers. Hello, hello. I'm still just reeling from the shock that Andy has heard of Rihanna. Well, I've got some... Congratulations.

Millennial writers now working in my shed. I was going to go with something to do with Schubert, but anyway. Helen, you've also been globetrotting also, also in Japan. Sir, anyway. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Sounds also, how have your travels been? How long would it have been the highlights? Oh, well, Andy, I went to a water park today, so that was pretty cool. Bob Dorand in a rubber ring for a while. Wow. Coming, that surely makes traveling the world for months on end as you've been doing worth it

just to get to the world's only water park and sing a four. I've just been traversing the world in a rubber ring. This is why it's taking so long. So I mean essentially as we look forward to our glorious post-Brexit future, we are going to need to you know find countries to reintegrate into the British fold shall we say. I mean which are the countries that you two have been to do you think we should be looking to conquer first? Do you think we should have a crack at Japan? See if we can you know maybe get Japan in team GB. I don't want to talk our country down Andy, which is what I'm accused of doing on a semi-dailing basis.

But all I'm saying is if the Japanese toilets are that high-tech, I don't want to see what their guns can do. I don't think Japan is going to be, I don't think we're going to be able to conquer them. Right. I just feel like if they've got the minds that have worked on toilets that can clean your ass, if they've put that to the sort of military industrial complex, they may have bullets that can kill our ancestors.

That's all I'm saying. This is bugle issue issue 4,063, 4063. Coincidentally, the pin number for the big red button on the desk of the overlord. What a coincidence. I think that means if the president plays this part of this podcast on Speaker in the Oval Office, he will launch a nuclear strike. So I better make sure this goes somewhere safe. This week we will be talking about a remote, unpopulated area of the South Pacific. Hopefully we're in a clear better safe than sorry. We are according on Friday the 23rd of March 2018 on this day in the year 1775, the birth of the game show, when Patrick Henry, one of the founding fathers of the USA, delivered

his famous speech, give me liberty or give me death. And the first series of Liberty or death lasted eight years until 1783. Plenty of winners and losers in a series of increasingly tricky challenges, including full-scale battles, avoiding disease and elongated periods of encampments and a gunstank. And I've got a transcript from the early episodes and this week on Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death, our contestants are Debbie from Long Island, Bronson from Connecticut and Pam from Delaware. And only one of them is going home happy tonight, so let's play round one, freedom or

futility. And this is the beautiful for the week-beening Monday the 26th of March 2018. On this day in 1484 William Caxton, old Percy printing press himself, published his translation of Esop's Fables, the first English translation of the works of Esop bringing into the English language such classics as The Fox and The Crow in which The Fox famously cleverly stole classics as The Fox and The Crow, in which The Fox famously cleverly stole a bit of cheese from The Crow, also The Fox, and the discovery of lactose intolerance. The boy who cried wolf, the boy who cried global warming

very much ahead of his time, to all of conspiracy. The tortoise and the hangover, the cook, the thief, his wife and her lover, the boy who farted at his aunties funeral and the dog who stole the chocolates and left the wrappers on the lawn. On this day, in 1934, that may or may not be a reference to Helen and my long departed dog, Tash. Can't believe she's gone. In 1934. It wasn't because of the chocolate.

She survived that self-harming bout. And they say dogs are allergic to chocolate. She proved them all wrong. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week our computer game reviews section in the bin are reviews of new releases such as egg chef 4 now includes coddling as an option. Taylor the turkeys abattoir Mayhem 2, the latest hit release in the EA agriculture range after the blood suck brutality of Turkey the Taylor's Abertua Mayhem. Can you direct in the sequel, Taylor,

in the more complicated administrative task of running a large business that processes up to 500,000 co-ocuses per year whilst also maintaining health and safety and animal welfare standards and making a profit in an increasingly financially squeezed industry compromised by the continuing demand for cheap meat products. It's not as visually or indeed visceral spectacular as the original, but it's more of an intellectual challenge and tale of the turkey is still so very cute.

Plus, also in the bin, a degree with the news at the Open University here in Britain might have to cut its budget by 25% rating in terms of its future viability. As an educational establishment, we proudly launch a bugle university. Listen to the bugle weekly over the next 15 years, and by default, you will intellectually osmos a degree in one or more of the following subjects.

Nautical engineering, medieval folk poetry, applies to ematokronology. Oh, love. Yeah! That's a... What an unfortunate moment for us to make direct eye contact, Andy. Unfortunately.

Unfortunate niche. Or destiny. Oh, those sections in the bin. TOP STORY THIS WEEK, THE SOCIAL NETWORK 2, THIS TIME IT'S THE END OF WEST AND DEMOCRACY! And it has been a tricky week for Facebook and by extension, all of us. The story centres around Cambridge Analytica, which let's face it, is already a great start because Cambridge Analytica already sounds like the name of a corporation in a dystopian sci-fi thriller. Right. I thought it was some kind of skin condition resulting from you spending too much time in libraries. I just want to cut in and ask Andy a question. Andy, as you've never used Facebook, what do you think it is?

I put a post up on there just a year ago. Yourself? Well, I'll Chris do it. I don't put a post up a few weeks ago but I gig. What do you think Facebook is, Andy? Facebook, I think it's a direct a directs prism into the aching soul of humanity. It just reveals the vanity, insecurity, and loneliness within. Is that right, or am I oversimplifying things? That's pretty close. Yeah, that's an annoyingly hell in these cars.

Absolutely, bang to the right. I have the two Facebook users on this podcast. Although for a second there, he really did lapse off into sounding like a 21st century morose. So look, there's been a scandal involving big data who is surely the least fondly-remembered of all WWE wrestlers. It all started when Christopher Wiley,

who describes himself as a gay Canadian vegan who somehow ended up creating Steve Bannon's psychological warfare mind-f***-t. What a tinder bio! Holy cow! If that doesn't clean up on Grindr, I don't know what will. He'd leak documents to the Guardian and the Observer newspaper to show how the company Cambridge Analytica obtained millions of people's Facebook profiles and used them to help possibly subvert US democracy.

Then, like the Transformers film franchise, things went from bad to worse. On Monday, Channel 4 News broadcast an investigation into Cambridge Analytica using hidden cameras and having posed as various sort of fake dignitaries. The journalist's recorded Cambridge Analytica boasting of dirty tricks campaigns involving fake news and even honey traps to influence elections. This heavily implied that they were activities that they had engaged in previously despite strenuous denials from the company following the broadcast. Oh boy! Things are messy as shit. Some of the recordings that Channel 4 obtained are genuinely extraordinary. This is Chief Executive Alexander Nick, who said what they would do is send some girls around to the candidate's house. We have lots of history of things, he told

the reporter. He then said we could bring some Ukrainians in on candidate's house. We have lots of history of things, he told the reporter. He then said, we could bring some Ukrainians in on holiday with us. You know what I'm saying. And that is a classic phrase. Bringing some Ukrainians on holiday is that absolutely... We all know what that phrase means. We know what it means. It means using sex workers to trick candidates

and subsequently into the subverting democracy. Classic phrase. So, essentially, what's happening here is there's some enormous uncontrollable entity who's power and complexity goes away beyond anything the human brain can properly comprehend doing dodgy things we're not entirely comfortable with. 100% It's like the entire history of physics all over again.

I'm not happy at all with it. Facebook, which hosts such upstanding Facebook pages as the Bugle Facebook page, and the Facebook pages of Nishkova and Helen Zoltzmann. And the Andy Zoltz on Facebook page, which I think was set up by someone pretending to be Andy's ox. Yeah, I basically bullied them until they admitted themselves. All right. He's a better brother than you. John had some downtime between last week, tonight's here, isn't he? It's lost 37 billion in stock market value, apparently, as well as this scandal, which

the Facebook is like you or me swallowing a pound coin. That we're technically a little bit poorer, but it is really quite embarrassing. And although in time we will get our money back, that money will now be dirty money, and our reputation will be forever tainted. I feel sorry for whoever it is actually has to wade through the data and decide what to do with it. Given how much of Facebook is just basic bitch status is like, whine a clock! Pizza, don't mind if I do! You say that Helen, but based on what we know, somebody would be able to work out how you

would vote in an American election if you posted the state wine o'clock. Yeah, and at what time you post it? Yeah. If it's 7.30 a.m. And I mean, it very much also depends on the caliber of bottle of wine that you're proudly showing off in your photo. Yeah, if you're drinking Tesco's own brand at 6.00 a.m. is there's a good chance that you'll be casting your vote for Ron Paul.

Facebook essentially is, well, it's an omniscient omnipresent force peering into every look and cranny of our souls. Now, as a Christian nation, should we not be appreciative of this, that this is essentially stepping into the aching void that God appears to have lit. In some ways, I think it's actually a step up

because Facebook actually pays very slightly more tax than God himself. And it's also very slightly more likely than God to blow the whistle on institutional abuse scandals that take place under its watch. But very, very, very slightly. So, maybe. It's only under severe de-ress.

Because that's part of the problem is that the Facebook apparently had been notified that Cambridge Analytica had illegitimately obtained a load of people's information and they continually denied it. And it turns out, and this is horrible news for us all. Guys, tech billionaires may not have our best interest at heart. I don't say that.

We didn't so, Joe. It turns out that we were wrong to put our faith in a man who was played in a film by the same actor who ended up playing Lex Luthor. That probably should have been the first sign. That there was trouble when the casting call for Mark Zuckerberg included the most famous supervillain of all time. How many are you concerned about what this means

for the entire future of democracy and freedom? Oh Andy, I've given up the bots of one. It's their world now. I'll just retreat to being a brain nuclear. It's fine. I'm not fussy. Maybe they'll end. I probably wouldn't mind if I was on the same political side as them. Oh that is an interesting point. I mean it does sound like you slightly, you're trying to suck up to our bot overlords already Helen. Yeah if I thought to do that a couple of years ago maybe we wouldn't be braxiting. I packed the wrong bots. I thought the bot overlords are the people who control your Japanese toilets. The one thing I think we can all agree on is this is a tremendous win for Myspace.

What a coup. Myspace and B-bo are absolutely... The worst thing Myspace is responsible for is the career of Calvin Harris. Now, am I a fan of his particular brand of EDM-inflected ship-hop? No. Do I prefer him to the subversion of Western democracy? It's close, but Calvin's one. What's an inish, inish. I mean, you can't throw a term like EDM, what do you call EDM infuged or?

He's, Andy's, he's, I'm right you aren't a good guy, I'm not glad, I'm glad of that. Andy's already been operating right at the edge of his knowledge of the 21st century this episode. Yeah, that's true. He has mentioned Rihanna, who did in fact collaborate with Calvin Harris on her hit single, Love in a Hopeless Place. Yeah, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that.

I mean, the fact is we all leave trails of data, and it's all about how, you know, how they are used. I mean, we here at the Bugle know all about you, listeners, from the mere fact that you are listening to this. We can infer that you are a unbelievably cool, uh, seriously, that kind of person, other people look up to and think, yeah, I just wish I could be like that. You are be aged between three and 120, a bit of margin for error at both ends, you are see not currently working in an active terrasel, there's 98% chance of that being true. You are D in a definable social group of some kind and you are E more likely to spend your money on food and drink and on luxury motorcycles. I mean, there are no secrets anymore. I mean, that's how easy it is to mine

into people's. You're the Cambridge Analytica of podcasters, Andy. Cambridge Analytica have claimed that there's been no wrong doing, which unfortunately seems to directly contradict things they were recorded saying and doing. Cambridge Analytica's head of his political... Not just semantics. It's details. Details, details. Mark Terbal is the head of Cambridge Analytica's political division, claimed that one of the services he could offer would be to pose as a wealthy developer looking to exchange campaign finance for land,

and he then described himself as being, quote, a master of disguise. And nothing says I am engaged in wrongdoing, more than describing yourself as a master of disguise. You never going to hear someone be like, I'm an excellent employee in the charity sector, because I am a master of disguise. Then, Cambridge Analytica then accused Channel 4 of setting out to entrapped staff by initiating a conversation about unethical practices before going on to describe how they had obtained that data from the POTS Facebook page and had been able to conclusively determine that it was in fact black. But I mean, also, I mean, does it work?

This Vulture manipulation, are we really so easily manipulatable as a species that we can be persuaded by obvious behavioral prompts trying to make us one way or the other or by clothes we don't need or even to buy tickets to my forthcoming shows, including on sale from Monday, three bugle live shows in San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle in May the week after the radio topia live East Coast tour, not forgetting, of course, my dates in the Southern Hemisphere in April and early May. Are we really that easily persuadable by little nudges?

I do hope not. I do hope so. I hope not. Is this a terrible time for it to be revealed that Andy has hired Cambridge Analytica to promote his upcoming live dates? But the problem is, is that these companies know when to manipulate people in the electoral cycle,

because they know when elections are gonna be, because these are made public. So what we need is snap elections called at five minutes notice. As a bugleist, as may remember, from soon after the bugle relaunch, the Indian government basically took most of the money in India out of circulation

at about five seconds notice. Why can we not call elections and just make people vote, or just turn up to people's houses and say, right, you're voting in the next 10 seconds. And you've got a far more realistic reflection of what people actually believe. It's like people loved it when Beyoncé

surprised dropped a whole album. Why not an election? I mean, it would save us a couple of weeks of really bad television. Yeah. Well, I mean, that is a huge benefit. I mean, imagine. He's a big benefit.

And also the money with the same American campaign. People are banging on about the American 2020 elections now, that's like three years away. That's a lot of bad television niche. What are you gonna do about it? Yeah, I mean, we basically have a month of low-level gurning as an election campaign, whereas America has an unending quadrennial cycle

of screaming in each other's faces until a lone tear drops down the cheek of Abraham Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. I went to an aquarium today and there was a kind of yellow fish that fights by smashing its open mouth into the open mouth of another fish. So basically deep kissing as a form of adversarial combat. Our debates could be more like that. deep kissing as a form of adversarial combat. Our debates could be more like that. Yeah. I mean, to read my verses, Jeremy Corbyn, under those rules, would be un-missable television.

Either or jousting. If they want to get Britain back. What do you reckon just get them both on horseback? Yeah. With joust. Taking back our country. taking back our country. I think we should probably move on now to an election that needed no external influence in deciding the result. The Russian election and, well, Vladimir Putin,

fourth win in a row in a presidential election for Big Vlad. That's the fourth of his seven victories that have been already slated in. And there's been a lot of debate. Do you congratulate Vladimir Putin on winning a Russian election? Donald Trump. Oh.

How was Martin sneezing? Oh my god. I thought you were just, I thought that was just an involuntary reaction, you know, and when you heard Donald Trump's name, Ellen. Yeah, that's a bit of my soul dying. Um, uh, Donald Trump, uh, despite apparently explicit instructions not to congratulate Vladimir Putin, rang him up and congratulated him. Well, of course, if you say don't do something, he's going to do it. How naive of people. explicit instructions not to congratulate Vladimir Putin, rang him up and congratulated him.

Well, of course, if you say don't do something, he's going to do it. How naive of people. Come on. This was according to a leak that apparently he's very cross about. They may have come from his inner circle, very high up in his inner circle.

In fact, it may even have come from his evil alter ego that is perched on his shoulder, whispering, tweet it, Donald's tweet it. And when your shoulder level is briefing against you, you've got serious problems in an administration. Though I say it's like, it's only have a friend, as well as see whether or not to congratulate Putin. It's not when you have a friend who you don't like or trust, but who might one day invade your house unless you keep them sweet, and they invite you to their place and say, I've

got a letter full of new puppies do come round and you turn up and there are the puppies freshly cooked and presented on a dinner plate. Do you say I really like your new puppies or not? It's an awkward situation. I feel like a real like direct and visceral sympathy for Donald Trump's advisors but largely for my dealings with you. Because it's, this whole congratulating Putin thing is exactly like you and pun runs. How strongly you're warned by your advisors, Brackets, me and Helen, to start, you refuse.

You are the Donald Trump of pun runs, Andy. I was just in Cambodia, where the Prime Minister, Hansen, is the world's longest-serving Prime Minister. He first Prime Minister in 1985, and he's been Prime Minister continually since 1998. Some questions have been asked about how fairly he has been elected to this role again and again, and there's an election coming up there soon,

and he has said, you know, if I don't win, then of course I'll stand down properly. So what he's done is arrest or exile all of the opposition. Russia's good tactic, isn't it? All of this week's news from Russia has just made it even worse that we are on the verge of heading over to Russia for a fun football tournament. And Garas Southgate, the England manager, has come down pretty hard on people who criticize the decision to go to Russia saying that he's been there.

He thought the stadiums were excellent. And as for the sort of racism, particularly, he said, well, we've got racism in our own country and our own football systems that we need to deal with. So maybe we should do that before criticizing Russia, and you just think, is it in it possible for us to do bugs? And is it that kind of one track thinking that has held us back as a footballing nation? You can't kick the ball and think about where you're kicking it. Just boot the f***ing f***ing f***ing.

I was so upset when I saw that into the Southgate, because surely, I mean, the point that he's trying to make is there is still institutional races of an English football, which is true And that is definitely something which is addressed, but surely as a symbolic gesture It's not helping that we're packing off for a fun summer holiday with Uncle Vlad and his racist fucking armadas And you know, I think that I'm furious with Southgate because he seems like a thoughtful man and this feels like absolute bollocks, but maybe all so part of it is just that I've never forgiven in for missing that penalty in this heavy fire if you're not seeing it.

And I'm just looking for any excuse at this point. And Helen, I understand you'll be boycotting the Russian World Cup by not watching any of it on Telly. That'll show him. Yeah. So I get that Vlad. You have been schooled. John McCain said he criticized Trump as he does basically when

every wakes up in the morning, whenever he has lunch and when he goes to bed. He said, an American president does not lead the free world by congratulating dictators on winning sham elections, which is true. Also, we should remember in the past, American presidents led the free world by getting the CIA to install dictators after the wrong people had won non-sham elections. Sometimes, times do change and maybe it's time to move on.

A gentleman's election, Andy. We at the Bugle, we are not going to congratulate Putin on his election victory. We like the underdogs, so I was really hoping for a giant killing cup upset, but I'm really come close. And also our Moscow download figures are absolutely terrible, so we don't have any skin in the game.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, there's been some news that has shaken this, well, two weeks of the shake in this nation to its core. Yeah.

I don't recognize the country I arrived back in yesterday. Well, firstly, the new, after Brexit, when of course we are going to be the greatest nation in the world again, who have been held back from being by the European Union, we're going to get our British passports back. Yes. The blue British passport that we used to just wave

an immigration when we were conquering the world. So I think you'll find we own this place. Have a look at this. Well, it's coming back, but the new non-EU post-Brexit hyper-British British passports will be made. It turns out in France, which I mean, I know it doesn't really mean anything, but at the same time, it feels like it means something. I think it's like a passport restaging of the whole of Shakespeare's Henry V play, all

of the dramatic monologues, it's like the passports are marched over there and taken back some fields in northern France. We've had, it's been a good range of cultural references today. We've had Rehanna Calvin Harris, someone else from pop music and Henry the Fifth. Morriss, there's someone even newer than that. It was the way you lent on the second and third syllables of Rehanna's name. That really suggests you have no f***ing clue if she is. Oh, right.

Your banner. Yeah, well, that feeling is entirely mutual. The new passports are predicted to make the holders feel between 13 and 16% more British. Yeah. But that will now drop, given that they're being made in the EU to only 2% to 3%. So it's losing a lot of British. Absolutely. To compensate, the government has announced that the past sports will be battered and deep-fried to make them feel British again. And we'll have

one of those things like you get a musical Christmas card so that when you open it, it says rule-bre-f**king-tania. That's what I'm talking about. It's a real climb down. I mean, Brexit, a lot of Brexit does seem to be trying to summon up a faux nostalgia for Britain's imperial past. But back in those days, our passports were basically a gun. And now we've downgraded to a blue book produced in France. It does feel like a really humiliating. I mean, I've actually renewed my passport now for this specific game of not having a stupid blue passport.

Yeah, the maroon rebels. Exactly. The maroon rebels. It sounds like the third gang in West Side Story who would just try to get along with everyone. Isn't it symbolic anyway to have passports? Once Britain is restored as the greatest nation on earth. I mean, why would you go anywhere? Well, exactly. We're all stout. Absolutely right. It is a little bit of a home.

Thank God someone has finally talked some... ...kicks out of this liberal, Ramoniac shit first. In other Britain news, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, whose wedding is imminent, how long is it? I don't know. Maybe they're calling a snap wedding, like your snap election suggestion. Yeah. Tomorrow. Why not? Wake Prince Philip up. Oh, they have shaken this nation to its core by announcing that they're having a non-traditional wedding cake and basically and this was announced on the news on the on the baby I heard it on the BBC news that is the news That this this cake a lemon. They're having a lemon and elderflower cake. It's got more news coverage It got more news coverage than amongst other things the war in Yemen boo

New stem cell therapy reversing cyclos hooray The continuing Rohingya refugee crisis boo and my fourth coming shows in Australia and New Zealand all details on the internet Starting in Melbourne on the 10th of April, with live bugle shows on the 16th with Alice, Frazier and David Odochety, and the 23rd with Tom Ballard and a GT Middell. Got more coverage than any of those things. If only the STEM cells had thought to smear themselves over a cake, but they didn't, and they should market themselves better. I think it's newsworthy to Britain that this couple have decided to reject the traditional British wedding cake which is a brick of burnt shit

with raisins in it. And they've decided to have a cake which actually tastes nice, symbolizing optimism. How much change can Britain take Andy, the passport, the cakes, what next, It's a republic now? That's what this means. Andy, I can't remember what. I mean, I'm not really in a position to lecture anyone

on having a traditional British wedding cake. You had a traditional Jewish wedding cake, Andy, of ham. Yeah. What was your wedding cake? It was a leg of ham. Ah! It was a leg of ham with this little miniature figures of me and my now wife, as made by the great sculptor Helen Zoltzmann. What were the figures made out of?

Also ham as well. They were not made of ham. What were they, they were kind of some kind of model. Fy mo. Yeah, Fy mo. I'll look buff and yeah, you melted in the you said the word buff with the exact side level of confidence that you said to Rihanna. So yeah, that was not a not a trad cake. What was your wedding

cake, Helen? I can't remember. Oh, just cakes, you know, just a lot of cakes. Eating cakes. What flavor was it? There was lecorp's of British history. Yeah. Got that. That foreign fruit chocolate, that foreign bean coffee, also a foreign bean. Well, I mean, lemon. How can you have a lemon? You know, you claim to be a member of the British Royal family. And lemon, what kind of European shit for us is this? You slide these on prints.

Lemons are an immigrant fruit that made their way to Europe with no legal documentation during the time of the Roman Empire, bloody Brussels, albeit the Brussels was at that time in Rome. It was also the lemon was used early in its career as a fruit. As an ornamental plant in early Islamic gardens. What is this? Some kind of sharia law. What is this? Sharia cake sharia law. What is this?

Sharia cake, we're all being forced to eat. I didn't realize Megan's surname was Al Marcala. Just in one of the guests to get scurvy. Oh, yes, that's right. But they should, they should have wanted the guest to get scurvy, Helen. That is a good British disease. Oh, the lemon was taken to the Americas by Columbus

and the Spanish conquistadors imperialists come through. And I want to know, as you say, what is wrong with a good British cake made of raspberries or plums or worms or mud or pebbles or woad or the concept of national decline? Why lemons? I'm still really enjoying the whole image of a brick of burnt shit and I'm now really enjoying your inevitable participation in the next series of the Great British Baker. I'm just watching Paul Hollywood have to try and master something.

See, it's a cake of cooked face-sees. I would ace that show. I once made the destruction of the dinosaurs out of brownies. Really? Yeah. My kids had a cake baking competition at school and they had to do something with the environment as in cake form. And my kids made a tectonic fault. Yeah, and my my kids made a a tectonic fault a cake tectonic fault Out of ham not out of ham. That's what I would do on the Great British Bake off every week I just turn up with a leg of ham saying there's no point you cannot possibly beat this did the cake come out The oven a bit shit so you pretended that it was actually seismic activity

It was a big. It was a deliberate attempt to recreate an earthquake, an earthquake. An earthquake. You are a constant living affront to your entire cultural heritage. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Stop quieting more reviews back at my list. So, that was all, so again. Ha, ha, ha. Anyway, for all the crucial role-wedding build-up news, tune in to the bugle, the official podcast of the British monarchy. Do we ever actually sign that deal in much more? For exclusive coverage of the Marys that was surely a night-briiden and the USA even more than would the Propos union back in the 1960s of Princess Anne and Elvis Presley. the Propose Union back in the 1960s of Princess Anne and Elvis Presley. Sports news now and well Helen, since you left your rightful spots squatting in my attic, we've missed you a huge amount and particularly because I don't have anyone to talk about

sport with at home anymore. Well I brought you that fruit dehydrated just so that you would have something to talk to about sports. How's the dehydrated fruit, by the way? It's been okay. We haven't fully mastered it. We did the reasonable work on a... How hard is it to dehydrate a fruit for f**king sake.

You are going to lead the sports section now, which something that I don't suppose you ever expected to have to do in your career. Born to do it, Andy. This week, desperate measures to stop Manchester United home games from being too quiet. Jose Mrenio is really wound up by how quiet old traffic is. This problem's been around for years. In 2013, they hired an acoustic consultant a couple of years ago. They added a designated singing section in the stands, like a football match choir, but those haven't worked. It's still a very subdued atmosphere. So now they're talking about printing out

chance and handing them to the spectators, but clean chance. So I don't think that's going to work. So what it worked for the church, isn't it? It's basically what hymns are, isn't it? Well, they took all the swears out of hymns and suddenly it all took off. Helen, I mean, I can tell from the pain in your voice, it all very concerned about the level of crowd atmosphere at Old Trafford during Man United games. I just think maybe that's a hint that football has had its time and people have realised it's not that exciting. It's just a game. The ball's going to end up somewhere or other, whatever. Yeah, well that meant that's true of life in general isn't it? We just breathe and die. Why don't they just have a

lie down on the pitch and wait for the end? But if they really... He's my wishes for the rest of this year that Helen gets a job first of all on the Great British Bake Off and makes a wedding cake made of birch shit. And then gets a job on Sky Sports's Monday Night Football

where all she ever says is, I mean, come on, the ball's gonna wed up somewhere. It's just a game. Who cares? Well, it wouldn't be, I mean, that much different from the level of most football punditry. And if she managed to pull it off without flobbing into someone's car at the same time, might be a step up. I've been trying to think of some other ways that they can reintroduce noise and atmosphere

to old traffic. And one thing they could do is stick a mic into the Imperial War Museum next door, crank up the sound of that, whatever that is, little video text about spitfires and things or even into the nearby Salford M&S discount outlet because then you'd have a lot of people screaming about how cheap cardigans are. Well it's that kind of lateral thinking that football needs if it's just a maintenance place at here ahead of the sporting food chain. Evolvo, Dai. I mean, I believe the technical term is a bonus shrinking.

It has been some real flop-inducing stuff that I'll travel this year. What do you do before you start watching a football match? Well, it depends on the football match, Andy. But I'll tell you what, there were certain points during Fergie's era in the late 90s, where I was erect for full years. Also, if I may go on to slightly harrowing territory, I think I have to issue a trigger warning for yourself, Andy. So England have started a two match test series in New Zealand and at the beginning of which they reached a score of 27 for 9 before being finally bowled out for 58. Now for

non-cricut fans amongst you. Well, way too much for a great night, if I'm sharing with you some of the newspaper headlines from the British newspaper, the Guardians headline was what the f***ing f*** was. That telegraph here is holy s***, what in the name of f***ing s*** happened there England. The Times, huge pile of s*** reported in Auckland. Got some of the New Zealand papers here, the New Zealand scrum just went with, and the Auckland daily ruck went with all black rugby stars not involved as New Zealand cricketers Humiliate England. In terms of quality of performance, if that England batting effort had been a meal in

a restaurant, whoever ate it would be dead. Yeah. And not in a good way, not in a man that was so tasty, I'm happy to peg out. Dead in a horrific, both ends a eruption of a logical gastroenteretic convulsions. It was probably the lowest point in the history of English Civilization. Yeah, I mean, obviously we do have a lot of non-cricket fans that is into this show, and to give you some sort of context for it is the equivalent in a hundred metre sprint

of the starting gun going off, and one of the sprinters falling over and shitting their pants, and then rolling around in the shit, shit and then crying and then vomiting on the shit. I can't make it any clearer than that. I mean even the stats made me cry and I love a stat. That brings us to the end of this week's Bugal. Thank you for listening. Do send your emails into us at HelloBugleers at the Bugle podcast.com. Next week I have Alice Fraser on the show and don't forget the live Bugleers coming up in Melbourne on the 16th and 23rd of April and those shows. Also, after the radio Topia Liftole, which I'll be doing a Bugle Illusionist matchup with Helen. On the 7th to the 13th of May,

there will be some live Bugle dates, 15th, 17th, and 19th of May in San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle keeping eye out for the lineup news. On that, anything you guys wanna plug? I'm at Giant Dwarf in Sydney on the 5th of June doing a live illusionist with music and stuff. That'll be nice tickets are on sale. I'm doing some gigs. Sell it niche.

Sell it off. Yeah, in May I'm doing some working progress shows at the Bill Murray to start working out for some new stand up and they'll be happening on some dates. Go to angelcomedy.co.uk if you live in London and you fancy seeing me do some new material Roll up roll up show is a bit of a million pounds Jesus all right, well, I'll be I'll be off writing that those shows, but yeah other than that Just have a great life You're you're plugging a concept of having a great life that's very altruistic of you

You're plucking concept of having a great life. That's very altruistic of you. Not enough people do it these days, so sometimes it has to be said. Helen, thank you for joining us all the way from Singapore. This should be a pleasure. Enjoy the rest of your travels. Bugle is will be back next week. Until then, goodbye. Bye. Bye. back next week until then goodbye bye