The Bugle - Bugle 4064 – Mad Mike Versus Science

Episode Date: March 30, 2018

Andy and Alice Fraser look at possible cheating in elections and cricket, the mass congregation of Dachshunds, how Pauline Hanson is like Nelson Mandela, and how a flat earther is using science to prove science wrong, but it's not science.With@HelloBuglers@Aliterativehref="https://twitter.com/ProducerChris">@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, the Euglurs! It's the moments the fans of the number 4,064 have been eagerly waiting for.

It's bugle issue 4,064 for the week beginning Monday. The second of April 2018, you're going to be waiting a while for a year with that number, so please do enjoy this Olympic year of course, 4,064 so it is going to be a good one. But according to my predictor, the weather is going to be awful, Britain will still be arguing over whether or not Brexit was a good thing and I'm talking to her, it's going to be the most overpopulated continent in the world. I am Andy Zoltzmann and I am in my house. I was going to be in my shed, but

unfortunately it's raining here in London. And the roof of the shed when it rains is not adequately soundproofed. But, you know, so I'm unable to do my shed introduction, which included me saying, welcome to the sheded and get more towards actual rows. And I was going to tell you all about the other great works of art that have been created in Shed's, including Shakespeare's Hamlet, Prince of Denmark and his Magic Garden, Reich, Jane Austen's Shed and Shed Ability, and all the world's animal Shed.

Damien Hurst's the physical impossibility of death in the mind of someone in a shed, also known as Shokin shed. And the Sistine Chapel ceiling, which of course began as the Sistine Shed ceiling, Pope Julius II, just wanted someone to keep his power drills and lawn mowers, and boy did he have a lot of lawn mowers. But he liked it so much, he thought, I'll make this a special shed of of God or chapel, as they're often known. Joining me this week by the miracle of modern technology and not in either my house or a shed, but from the hemisphere into which I will be catapulting myself imminently for my shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival from the 10th to the 22nd of April, Sydney Comedy Festival on the 23rd and the New Zealand Comedy Festival in Wellington on the 30th of April

and Auckland on the 1st and 2nd of May to you all their details on the internet. All the way from Melbourne, it's the Flamingo Flyer herself, Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, I am preparing the ground for you as we speak. I am a flinging bullshit into passes by's faces in order to prepare them for your imminent arrival. It's gonna be great. Like kind of John the Baptist of Bullshit. Yes, slash monkey, whatever. Yeah, very fun. Whatever floats your shit flinging boat, Andy. So the Melbourne International Comedy Festival begins,

what basically ran about now, doesn't it? Tomorrow I open my show Ethos at the Chinese Museum, which is exciting. It's literally a museum, Andy. I am doing comedy while being stared down by a terracotta warrior, and it's a thrill. It's a thrill unlike any other. And I mean, just the terracotta warrior,

like your stick, or a... It's pretty deadpan. It was there last year, so if he's come back again for another year at the museum he must have must have enjoyed it they're known for their loyalty the terracotta warriors we are recording on Wednesday the 28th recording early this week because I will as I said be flying out of my hemisphere shortly so apologies if all of this is out of date by the time you listen to it and everything in the world Is either fine or completely destroyed this

coming Sunday April the first Easter Sunday and also April fulls day not the first time those two dates have cow-insided If I may refer to the very first edition of I'm not in my tomb, April full, got you. Well, of course, Easter, you know, a very prominent festival of chocolate eating. We discussed the origin of the Easter egg on the bugle before.

There is still some dispute, it should be said, our theory is not canonical as yet. The latest theological experts suggest the Easter egg may in fact not be the symbolic jungle gluggials of Christ after all, but instead the symbolic ping pong balls from the last supper when Jesus beat Judas in the final using balls which Judas complained,

Jesus had turned into unpredictable oval shapes. He did not take that to beat. At all well, not at all. Controversial format of course, always awkward when 13 people are in a tournament. Jesus put him in it, himself in his top three ranked disciples automatically into the quarterfinals, and their remaining nine had to play off in three goops of three with the winner and the best place loser on points difference going through to the quarterfinals. That caused further ruckians. So you can see what the whole thing started to fall apart. The Easter Bunny, however, we've never looked at the origin of Easter Bunny before.

Chris, any ideas? Would it Jesus' secret wife? But no. But why don't you go on from an egg on a mountain top? Close. It was of course, well the origin was explained in the gospel according to St. Jack, the most arrogant, all the notableorgeful writers, all the coffee St Jack, painter and saint of France and seafood, of course.

The Easter Bunny was a little rabbit who appeared during the crucial fiction at Golgotha. He looked up and they're not very happy Jesus on the cross and said, eh, what's up, Doug? Jesus, of course, known as Doc Bicefollos, due to his incredible skills at alternative medicine, although of course he was actually qualified doctor.

Not a qualified doctor, Jesus, failed his exams because in the practical, he turned all the other students' saline drips into vodka. Jesus replied, is it not clear what's up, my big-aid friend? I'm up! That's what's up! Anyway, the Easter Bunny escuttle off and brought Jesus back a carrot, which was, but it was spotted by a hungry centurion who shouted, ''ceptimus we found ourselves some dinner'' and just as the rabbit was about to

be spared by the centurion Jesus Miracle the Easter Bunny into a mud-covered rock hence the tradition of eating chocolate rabbits. That is a fact. Totally believeable. There you go. I mean, is it a fact Andy? Well, I mean, who knows? I mean when it comes to, there's a great thing with history is a lot of it, there's a long time ago and, you know, that fine line between, I mean, it's hard enough to find out what is a fact or a lie from something that has

happened yesterday. So something that's happened 2,000 years ago, open season for me. A section of the musical is going in. They've been in fact an April Fool's Day section. Many newspapers, new shows like to sneak in a fake story on April Fool's Day classics, include the BBC in 1957, covering these spaghetti harvests in Italy. LAUGHTER That's footage on the internet.

In 1996, Taco Bell announced that they had bought the Liberty Bell, one of the iconic artifacts of American history, and we're gonna renown it the Taco Liberty Bell. In the year 528 AD, the daughter of Emperor Jiao Ming of Northern Wei was made emperor as a male heir by the Empress Dowager Hu, but she was deposed and replaced the very next day. Well that is a bad April, isn't it? You're at your Emperor, I'll hard luck. The Empress Dowager Hu? Hu? No, what?

Not widely recognised, but the first female monarch in the history of China will be only for one glorious funny day. I mean, that's better than most Australian politicians manage. Good luck to our American listeners this year on April Fool's Day, working out exactly what the f*** is an April Fool and what the f*** is just actual news. My favorite one was the news that Queen, this was I think back in 1968, was being fitted with a propeller on her crown, so she could literally, quite literally, reign over us, but the Hattlick-Optist sadly never, never actually came into existence. So, but somewhere in this audio newspaper for April Fools' Day is an actual fact, Google, so see, see, you can spot it.

Anyway, that section is going in the bin. Top Story this week, Crickets! Now, there's not often in the bugle where I have led with Crickets as a top story, despite the fact that Cricket clearly is universally acknowledged with the greatest thing ever invented by humanity. This week, it's made the news around the world, and there's only one way Cricket makes the news around the world, and that is when people have been cheating at it. And this week, much of the delights of all England cricket fans, particularly after we got absolutely spanked

in our recent series with Australia, it is Australia who have been caught cheating, and it has led to probably the biggest single crisis in the entire history of the Australian nation. Alice, I know you are technically not a cricket fan for whatever reason. I'm not going to... I mean, man, you are... You're looking at the Under reason I'm not going to I mean man you are you're looking at the under 12's Bondi Waverly most improved player at this point so okay sorry

my mistake but yes indeed Australian cricket has been rocked by a cheating scandal which under malons our sporting nations reputation for being a sporting sporting nation which is part of our national identity according to my dad my dad, daughter, he calls me daughter. Daughter, the Australians have a reputation for fair play, apart from Indigenous massacres and more famously, the underarm-balling incident of 1981, which was a dastardly affair, in which the Lyskwood Chapel brother did an underarm-ball, which was technically legal, but very rude, like movie spoilers or leaving negative reviews on porn hub. But nearly...

How much research did you do for that? Any research is too much. Nearly 40 years later the newest player on the Australian team, Cameron Bancroft was caught on camera, dropping a piece of gritty tape down his pants for what people are leaping to assume were not innocent sexually perverse ball scuffing purposes, but in fact nefarious game related ball scuffing purposes. Bankrofter attempted to hide the tape in his pants and when questioned by an umpire he said he was just wiping the ball. I mean we've all done, let he who has never put a bit of gritty type down his pants

cast the first stone. I got some now. Well, and the nation is in shock. Clearly, even your prime minister, Malcolm Turnbull has found his moral limit. But being court cheating and then compounded as Australia by admitting cheating after being court cheating, which is the first rule of cheating at sport. Never fess up. Do they learn nothing from Lance Armstrong? Never fess up. Or colonialism. Yes. Yes. I mean, if you start admitting things you've done wrong in countries like ours, Alice, then that is a floodgate you will struggle to close. Now, as you said, the cheat

for non-cricut fans, what they did, they were trying to alter the condition of the cricket ball, which deteriorates naturally over the course of several hours, not like baseball, you have a new ball pretty much every pitch. So it's quite a crucial part, and if you can make the ball move more in the air, it's better for the bowling team. I was trying to do that by, and there are legal ways of doing it. You can shine it on your trousers, you can rub spit in it, you can sweat on it, you can look at it threateningly, you can abuse it, you can insult the leather about how its mother looked like a cow,

all fair game of the tree. But also, it's inefficient, it doesn't always work. And what's striking is it, what's think, oh hang on, why don't we get a player to get a piece of sticky tape, cover it with dirt and rub the ball on the field. Now for those who are unaware of cricket as a sport, cricket is often filmed by TV cameras when it is being broadcast on television. This has in common with, for example, many other sports,

and indeed, basically the whole of life itself now, the world has permanently filmed. So, I think this is why Australia has reacted so badly to this. It's not just the fact that it's cheated, but the fact that it did it so unbelievably badly, and they passed a message out to Bankroff that he'd been spotted on cameras, and he then tried to hide the evidence.

He said, by shoving it down the front of his trousers You know hard as you say to claim you just wanted to sand your lumpy junk I mean he could have claimed Because it was just this yellow thing you couldn't tell what it was on on camera He could have claimed he was merely feeding a cornflake to the lucky team hamster ethyl jiff Always keeps hidden in the jockstrap of the junior member of the site and has done of course, since Warwick Armstrong's hamster back in 1921 of course. So they had no choice really but to fess up after attempting to slightly lie to the

umpires by pretending he was using something different. Well, it's also that the idea of a fair go is endemic to the Australian character, and cricket is a symbol of fairness in our society. The reason that cricket and fairness go hand in hand is that the idol colonial gentry who gave cricket its incredibly relaxed attitude to how long a game should go on and how exciting it needs to be. Basically invented the idea of fairness, and then they applied fairness as carefully and topically as a hemorrhoid self, which is to say that they used fairness mainly for rich assholes and not so much on the people they were murdering or stealing

large sways of land from or poor people, but of course that wasn't against the rules which is more important. Right, I mean how many murderers apply hemorrhoid ointment to their impending victims Alice? I mean not many which is the point. It's just it's just not cricket Andy So yeah strange time for Australian sport the great thing about it from an English perspective It's not that just that we lost to Australia recently for nil and we can now basically say well They were obviously cheating and if they hadn't been cheating we'd have won five nil probably Whilst this was going on,

England was suffering one of their most humiliating defeats in their, in their cricketing history, bold out for 58 runs by New Zealand. At one point, they were 23 for eight, only two batsmen left for non-cricket vans, set for the worst score in the history of test match cricket that goes back to 1877, they just avoided that, but thanks to the glorious cheating of Australia. That's basically been forgotten

about. We can just brush that humiliating, thrashing by New Zealand under the carpet. Or maybe that's why Australia did it. They did not want New Zealand getting any glorious. They thought, oh, there's only one we're going to have to take this on ourselves. In other Australian news now, a South Australian woman has been captured sun-baking on the picturesque Port Wollonga Beach, while an intimate wedding ceremony took place at just meters away. The pictures captured by a fellow Adelaide resident posted to the Shit Adelaide Instagram page, which exists. The woman who took the picture told the Daily Mail that she

didn't think the woman noticed the wedding saying she was just a meter away. It was pretty funny. I mean I think it's a very brave of her to stay in the wedding because the last thing you want is wedding tan lines, whether it's just a little outline of what statistics seem to indicate as a 50-50 coin toss on the future happiness of a pair of strangers. But look, maybe she was playing the part of a metaphor, marriages about dealing with the unexpected sunbaters in the pristine sands of your life. That's a beautiful word, put it here, Alice.

But I guess, you know guess she was there first. I mean, there's a number of good reasons why she shouldn't. I mean, if you start moving for weddings, then where will it end? Global chaos, clearly. She is a product of the Trumpian era. She moves for that wedding. Then, frankly, the entire population of Mexico is going to invade Texas by the end of the week. It could also have been a protest against heterosexual wedding in Australia, which remains legal,

even though homosexual wedding has now been legalized, you would have thought there's only room for one sort of wedding in Australia. So maybe it's her little blast against that. But I think a further question is, what were these people having a wedding on the beach for, unless they are hard-line Poseidon worshipers or? I mean, also the dangers of it, because weddings attract whales. This is well known. You've seen this played out tragically in Australia, because whales are a notoriously romantic creature. They just love a wedding. They absolutely love a wedding. I mean, that is all whale song. All whale song is just them doing Gregorian chants.

Yeah, so good of a tragic repercussions. There's only six things you should do on a beach for me, Alice. I'm not a beach fan. My skin tone does not respond well to the concept of sunlight. So for me, there's only six things you should ever do on a beach. One, play beach cricket, obviously. Correct. To try to scoop the water out of the sea to counteract rising sea level. Three, scream shark, shark, four, scream, oil, plastics, get back here your little bastards. We've all got to do a bit. Five, you should get off the beach or six, you should get divorced. For me, bit. Five, you should get off the beach or six, you should get divorced. For me, a beach is a much better location for a divorce than a wedding. I haven't really thought through the logic of that, but I guess that's that barrier between the cold past of the sea

and a more fertile land of the future. It's a liminal and lawless space, the beach. You can send them off into a rip tide. Testify. In Pauline Hansen news now, embarrassing red-headed politician who won't go away, Pauline Hansen has announced that she is comparable to Nelson Mandela, which is so ironic given that she's famous mainly for racism, but also for being the whitest woman in the world.

So what drove her to make this comparison? Well, she feels like she is a politician who's standing up for her beliefs despite aggressive responses by sane people and people with compassion and non-racists. And so she's also, she's also been in jail. How long was she in jail for? Oh, I don't know, not long enough is the answer. Oh, I'm just know. Not long enough is the answer. Oh, I'm just looking at 11 weeks. Now that is less than from memory. It's less than 27 years, isn't it? I mean, that is the long march to freedom right there. Right. If they do have other similarities though, to be fair to Pauline.

Other than the fact they both spent time in jail. Nelson Mandela never sang backing vocals on a track by the American heavy metal band Motley crew, Norris Pauline Hanson. Both Pauline and Nelson have at times utilized a bench. Neither Mandela nor Hanson have ever had to wrestle an angry alien live on global television with the future of the planet and humanity at stake, which is lucky for everyone on both counts. Neither has ever met Napoleon Bonaparte. Both were known at times to blink using their eyelids and Nelson Mandela sadly dead Pauline Hanson dead on the inside. So they're peas in a very much peas in a political pod. We can only hope that at Fallen Hansen's funeral they have excellent bad sign language

interpretation. Yes, there are differences, I guess, a long term. I'm going to confidently predict long term that Mandela will have more streets and public buildings named after him than Pauline Hanson. You have to remember Pauline Hanson is doubling up with the famous boy band Hanson. Yes, it's, well I guess not even those two combined, I still think Nelson has the edge. In other cheating news, it turns out that there's not only cheating in cricket, but also in politics. Who would have thought it? This country has been rocked to its very foundations by the allegation by a former employee of Cambridge Analytica turned whistleblower.

That the vote leave campaign may have cheated to000 pounds of spending in an election campaign. That is a drop in an ocean of shit. But could the leave campaign have swayed the Brexit vote by cheating? To be honest, it's a bit late for us to start giving a shit about that, frankly. Flagrant bullshitting, more of an issue than a little bit more of election funding. The fact that the Leaf campaign won votes through their lies and disembling is surely far more important than a few hundred grand of extra campaign funding. And as a remain fan, who was disappointed that the lies and decempling of the remain campaign

were far less effective, I find that completely unacceptable. And I guess the thing with funding is you want people to be able to fund their bullshit and lies equally. So Michael Gove, God rest his soul, he has claimed that the vote was free and fair, in that both sides were free to lie as much as they wanted. And it was fair fair and it was equally badly argued and prepared for by both sides. If these cheat allegations are proven though, will there be another referendum? I'm not sure there is the need for that. I think with the way technology is going,

we just need virtual reality headsets for everyone. So we can live out the European future. We choose to live out. Our world is 99% perception anyway. We might as well just fully embrace it. Besides it's politics and cricket is far more important. There are levels of behaviour and ethics expected in cricket, but politics, you know, it's a results business. So we shouldn't replay the ashes then. After all their balls hampering. Oh well to be honest I'm not sure I could face England getting thrashed again without that excuse. Let's just cling to the excuse.

If you do not think all sides are cheating in politics in some way, you have not been paying attention for at least the last two and a half thousand years. I like the things that have come out of this story that I very much enjoy. The first is that the Cambridge Analytica Group apparently chose its name in order to emphasize its close ties to Cambridge University, with whom it has no official deal. And as an ex-Campbridge alumna, I'm mostly angry that they haven't used their evil powers to convince more people to buy tickets to my solo show, which is at least as much against their long-term political interests as Brexit, if I do say so myself. And the second thing is that Cambridge Analytica said it played no role in the Brexit referendum and said Mr Wiley had no direct knowledge

of its work after he left the firm in July 2014, accusing him of quote, peddling false information, speculation, and completely unfounded conspiracy theories continuing, that's our job. It's very hard to separate the shit from the slightly less shit in such matters. Still, it's not that long to go until the end of time. Just seem pointless for a very long time. In fictional and weaponry news now, young anti-gun activists in the US are fighting for their right not to be shot, but also doing it with a lot of Harry Potter placards, and they are facing increasing criticism from the right for using Harry Potter analogies in their protests, speeches and placards. Many on the right we are Harry Potter analogies in their protests, speeches, and placards.

Many on the right, we are calling out the young protestors for taking who, he who must not be named, name, in vain, reminding us all that Harry Potter is a work of fiction and not a blueprint for how to organize your life, to which everyone else says, yeah, da, at least it's better than organizing your life with reference to sex in the city, where everyone was all like, oh my god, you're such a Miranda and I had to pretend to know who Miranda was.

I mean, running your life according to a long-running serial work of fiction is as good a way to do things as any, though I'm not super keen on the current trend among conservative politicians to choose as their guiding work, the Lord of the Flies, which, while a seminal coming of age novel and brutal reflection on the nature of young masculinity outside the confines of civilized society is not a great Maraud map for for example health care funding Well, I guess it's you know that all the Bible which is similar long-running fiction in some ways There are the huge marches in America the march for our lives across America, hundreds of thousands of people marching in favor of people not being gunned down as they go about their daily business and it does seem that America has finally reached a tipping point Where there's a generational shift where enough people now do not want to be gunned down as they go about their daily business And that's now started to critically outmass those who do want to see other people gunned down as they go about their daily business and that's now started to critically outmass those who do want to see other people

gun down as they go about their daily business and simultaneously be able to protect themselves from eroding dinosaurs. I guess they're having similar marches before in the past but perhaps this could be the moment when America finally has some vague vestiges of sense blasted into it. The gun lobby or or the pro-death lobby, as they're also known, quite literally won't go down without a fight. And you hear them chanting out their cats phrases. So USA, USA, USA, for example, which stands for

unbelievably stupid anachronism. I do understand that it is... You know, it's an awkward thing, you know, historically, you want to respect the founding philosophies of the American nation, the eternal truths and wisdoms of the amendment squad as they may or may not have meant them in 1791. And you don't want to abandon those nation-defining thoughts, but at the same time, you're not entirely comfortable with the deaths of innocent people. It's kind of a kill-22 situation. It's no obvious answer, especially if you continually ignore the obvious answer. I mean the problem for me is that the Harry Potter books were that bandwagon that everyone jumped on that made nerds and book reading cool and I was

the kid that was nerdy before it was cool to be nerdy. You know, I read books in trees like an innard light and arsehole. It's not cool when becoming a nerd becomes cool when you're a nerd because then you lose the one thing that makes nerd life tolerable which is feeling superior to the idiots who are bullying you. I also, I also just missed the Hermione window so when I was a frizzy head, know it all, who couldn't keep her mouth shut, it was less, oh cool Emma Watson hashtag I'm with her and more. Let's throw sandwiches at it Bugle feature section now the earth

Now it's a terrific planet in many ways for all its flaws But one of the great questions that continues to dog this planet is, is it flat or not? We are still waiting for confirmation on this, and the latest piece of scientific research has been conducted by a man named Mike Hughes in California who built his own rocket, a steam-powered rocket, fired himself 600 meters above the desert, then plummeted back to the plate, which he was researching, suffering quite serious injuries. He survived, thanks to deploying a parachute. He says his mission was to prove the earth was flat. He didn't quite get high enough to prove that, but I think 600 meters no one's ever been higher than that before, say, from memory.

But it's heroic for someone to continue to do the research that other people shy away from. I mean, my favorite quote is his his known as madmyqueuse, and he wanted to prove that the earth was flat saying, quote, I don't believe in science. He said, I know about aerodynamics and fluid dynamics and how things move through the air about certain sizes of rocket nozzles and thrust, but that's not science, that's just a formula.

There's no, I mean, what does he, I mean, his main sponsor for the rocket is Research Flat Earth, a group of people around, sorry, across the world, who believe that the Earth is flat. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no which if it is I need to have a stern chat with about 25 million of my close friends about where we've been living all this time. I mean in some ways it is a relief because we can stop pretending kangaroos are real and we can send Hugh Jackman back to the factory. He said, do I believe the earth is shaped like a frisbee? I believe it is. Do I know for sure? No. That's why I want to go up in space. Unfortunately, every single airline flight he could have got was fully booked, now in the end of time. So he had to make his own rocket. I think it's good people, you have to challenge orthodoxy. That is how science progresses. That is how,

you know, would George Stevenson have invented the the train if he'd gone along with the prevailing Orthodoxy at the time that the mechanical eight-legged auto donkey was the future of transport No, he would not and you know you go back, you know Copernicus Galileo would they have discovered that the earth was around oh hang on. No, I don't want to go I don't want to go down that road at all Madmica said this is great publicity for him. It's got a bunch of storylines. He says, the garage built thing.

I'm an older guy. It's out in the middle of nowhere plus the flat earth. But he admits that since there was no footage of him getting into the rocket, some are questioning whether or not he actually launched, saying, quote, the problem is, it brings out all the nuts, people questioning everything. It's the downside of all this. Oh. That's glorious, frankly.

So if any bugleess can confirm whether or not the world is round or flat, do email us into hellobugleess at thebuglepodcast.com particularly if you have conclusive proof that it is flat. So the politicians want you to believe it's around, because they get money out of it. In slightly more positive news for humanity, as a species, Alice, we've always been defined by our constant restless quest for new boundaries to break, new realms to explain, new achievements to carve into the pages of our

history. And that is why, for example, we went to the moon, climbed Everest, raced to the South Pole and invented sports. But this week, another great landmark in the history of human landmarks was marked on land, the largest meeting of sausage dogs in human history. For the first time sausage dogs smashed their tiny legged way through the 500 sausage dog barrier. People thought it could never be done at a meeting on a beach in Cornwall. 601 sausage dogs met simultaneously

and it showed that we will not let the forces of hatred win. Take that ISIS, shove these 601 little doglets up your ass as you dog gathering hates in weirdos. This is how little chance you have of winning over the British public. Okay ISIS, you persuaded us. We've come round to your skewed idea. I've a bloodthirsty pre-Nemed evil caliphate of slaughter and misogyny. But I'm sorry, we've got a real problem with you.

Not letting us try to break the world record for largest gatherings of specific species of dogs. So I'm afraid it's a no. We're not taking you on. I mean, it's an incredible thing, Andy. Sausage dogs came together from all over the UK, allegedly to beat the record, but actually to unite their political power towards a more sausage dog-based economic policies in what is being called the Bilderberg Conference for the world's most sausage dogs.

These little-legged long-pornched plutocrats pat it along the sands of pure and pork beach, smoking teeny dogs of guards and discussing branded integrity like mini Forbes 500 wealth man evening moguls, but heaps more cute. Reporters gathered to glean scraps of information about from the owners of these low-slung business dogs hoping to find out what the future holds for the stumpy industrialists and their doggie agenda. I mean, I think it's a nice thing that they're all coming together. You know, an evolutionary dead end. They're disenfranchised wolf descendants constantly confused by their own stubby failure to embody

the true wolf spirit and their continued existence is powered purely by selective inbreeding and people's desire to take cool photos on Instagram and revel in the glory of owning a life form that shouldn't really exist. I think Alice's message there was paid for by the Badger Association of the United Kingdom. Again it sends a very powerful message to the world, particularly Vladimir Putin. It shows that we are not scared of you in Russia. We shall gather our dogs on the beaches, which will gather our dogs on the land of the grounds.

We shall gather our little doggies in the fields and in the streets and the hills, and we shall never, so essentially, surrender. We have just one other piece of world news. It's just come through this morning, actually. Rubber ducks are more dangerous than terrorists In some ways from patients today's from patients today's newspaper Rubber ducks are so filthy they can kill

Yeah, front page of the newspaper day rubber ducks are so filthy they can kill they grow these Yeah, front pages of the newspaper, they rubber ducks are so filthy, they can kill, they grow these fungles and bacteria, and they're scientists, grow up scientists. Today, 10 week experiment have found that rubber ducks can be extremely unhealthy. So it does suggest that rubber ducks are definitely more dangerous than terrorists at bath time, because, yeah, over a prolonged period, the ducks can grow these collections of disease-making bacteria, whereas if you leave a terrorist in a bath for 10 weeks, it just gets cold, wet, wrinkly, and interestingly demotivated.

It could work, but also rubber ducks are poisonous if matched up and eaten in little pancake with plum sauce. So I guess the question Alice, for all parents around the world, should you make your child bath with a real duck instead, or would a rubber and the encondor ironically be healthier for your child to play with as a non-aquatic bird just ominously circling over your child's cuts before bed time. I mean I think all children should be given terrorists to play with because what terrorist isn't soothed by a child. Let us not answer that question. Competition result time now and well this now goes back quite a long time. We did have a competition to win a place on the Bilderberg group a couple of months ago now and well because of the high level nature of the discussions and judging panel,

it's taken a while to get the elite cabal of high level operators together to decide on a winner. The competition was to finish this sentence to, in your place, as one of the most influential behind the scenes operators in the world. I think it is best if the biggest decisions affecting the planet are conducted covertly by an elite cabal of bankers, politicians and oligarchs because dot dot dot. And well, thank you for all those who sent in sent in entries for the competition. This came from Tom Page, he says, because having it done overtly, would be like watching the sausages made before you eat them, it would be the worst idea ever. So managed to crowbar in a sausage pun, you are talking to the right show, if that's your wave, and grey shading yourselves with the judges. Very much

the bugle competition equivalent of ice-gaters sticking their putt behind towards the judging panel of the ice skate. James from Maryland says, I think it's best if these decisions are done covertly by the elite cabal because as a white middle aged Anglo-Saxon male, I think they're doing a fantastic job. So, there it was. It's at last someone is standing up for us. Dean from Leeds says, because they are the group with enough resources to create a Jurassic Park style museum of hotties from history clones. Oh yeah, that's... There's a lot to be said for that. And a Jerry Smith.

I think it's best if the biggest decisions effects on the planet are conducted covertly by an elite cabal of bankers, politicians and oligarchs because, f**k you, that's why. And that's not so much an entry to the competition as a ball-stating of the status quo. So I think that probably qualifies as a winner, to be honest, unless we're going for the, it's between that and the one that had a pun in it. Would you reckon Alex, you can be the official judge. I like the one with the pun in it, Andy. Oh, you too.

Tom Page, you are now a member of the Builderburg Group, do a report to, I'm sure they'll be in touch. So just report to whatever secret location that next meeting has being held in and please Please be merciful Do keep your emails coming in to hello bugleers at the bugle podcast dot com That brings us to the end of this week's bugle don't forget that you can for the next what three and a half weeks Alice see Alice phrases show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Alice give it the proper plug

I'm doing my solo show ethos from the 29th of March to the somethingth of April and I'm also doing my Trilogy on the 21st of April at 4 p.m. Which is after the bugle I'm doing my last three one-hour solo shows in one three-hour solo show, which will be exhausting over ambitious and quite possibly an enormous disappointing failure, and that's just for the audience. It should get someone down your kitchen, fans, along. Come on! It's being recorded for the ABC in Australia, so I've already been having nightmares about doing three hours of comedy to two deeply unimpressed people, both of whom are my dad. So, come along to Ethos, come along to the trilogy,

also come to the Bugle on the 15th, I'm in it. Yes, the live Bugle on the 15th features Alice and David Odochody, the live Bugle on the 22nd of April, features Tom Ballard and a DT Mittell. My one-man show, right questions, wrong answers, all new for Melbourne 2018, runs from the 10th to the 22nd, I'm then doing two shows in Sydney on the 23rd and 24th as part of the Sydney Comedy Festival,

then to New Zealand. I mean, Wellington on the 30th of April and Auckland on the 1st and 2nd of April. Thereafter, we have the Radio Topia Tour, Radio Topia Live Tour, which I'm doing the joint bugle illusionist mashup as part of the show with Helen. And live Bugle dates in America, the 15th of May at Cubs in San Francisco,

the 17th of May at the Alberta Rose in Portland and the 19th of May at the Neptune in Seattle. Co-hosts to be confirmed, but do come along to the first Bugle live shows in America and we hope to come to the East Coast and elsewhere later in the year. That's all for this week's Bugle. We're having a week off next week because I'm a holiday with the family before heading to Melbourne, but we will put out some prime cuts of classic Bugle stroke my stand up. And then the next full bugle will be from the live show on the 15th of April With Alice and David O'Doggery. See you all there. Until next time. Goodbye. Bye

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