The Bugle - Bugle 4065 – Clipart news

Episode Date: April 15, 2018

Andy is with David O'Doherty and Alice Fraser (and 'producer' Tom) for a live show from Batmania with a focus on Armageddon, turtles and bicycles.With@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@phlaimeaux@TomEdwardWright@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Parking! audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, viewers! Now welcome to the Bugal, we just fight down the music bits. There we go. You have to fade that down. That technologically we are trying our most ambitious ever theatrical extravagant here. This is going to be like John Michel-Jar meets the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs. It's going to be absolutely sensational. Welcome to the Bugle Live. It's also being recorded. We'll be going out as this week's bugle for those listening at home

or anywhere else. We are here in Melbourne, Australia, a city where if one whoop from what a proud, civic place this is, still regretting the missed opportunity to call yourselves batmania. Maybe that's a... A city where if current trends continue, according to scientists, in 40 years time, this place will just be a 50-meter deep reservoir of coffee with a single weeping avocado floating in the middle. I am Andy Zoltzman, 400,000 miles from home as the crow flies, albeit a crow with absolutely no sense of direction, an tendency to be distracted by the prospect of shitting on every single major global cultural monument as a protest against humanity's exploitation of the bird world. We are recording here, Abdi.

That'll do. It is the 15th of April 2018 and on this day in 1755 Samuel Johnson, the word wagling pin up boy of 18th century lexicography, Dr Dickie Dictionary himself published his influential dictionary of the English language of established rules for this great language of ours. Who do you like the English language? Who said no? What's your beef with it? You have to teach it tomorrow. There we go. That's a problem you turn anything into a job you take

the love from it, don't you? Who are you teaching it to? from it, don't you? And who are you teaching it to? Children, the people in the world who have least desire to learn. Children most children just spend most of their time wishing they were adults. Most adults wish they were still kids. We've just got the school age and the working age the wrong way around. The Victorians had it right, stick the little f***ers up a chimney. And given that my children are in the crowd today, I should say, excluding anyone whose name begins

with Z, they can do the admin. But will it has been a very influential language, English and Johnson's hugely influential figure in it. His English has been spoken and written by celebrities from both of our countries ranging from Winston Churchill to match Bishop and Jane Austen to Harold Bishop The original Sammy J Stixnery remain the preeminent rule book for spelling grammar and shit like that until pretty much the invention of social media Which is basically catapulting humanity backwards through linguistic history via badly spelled sprawlings Hieroglyphics or as they're known nowadays emoticons or lack of genuine emoticons to give them their proper name towards the simple grunt

Which is the logical endpoint of the internet. I have no beef with that, it is people saying shit to each other that started 99.94% of all wars, draw your own conclusions from that, and that figure could be set to rise, as we speak. Now, to mark this anniversary, some obsolete words that Johnson included in his dictionary that are no longer used, including Sclapper Trankle, which is a stick-influenced device for poking a frightened witch from behind a non-licensed cauldron. Snutterworth is a rare herb thought by 18th century alchemist, Stock Troves and Medish

Enitions, to contain healing properties that could cure beheading. If applied within four hours of a person's execution, the Buttyard, which is an open space in a boys school used for the administration of corporal punishments, and compromise the idea that there could be some acceptable middle ground between two dissenting views, concept long lost to the swarms of history. So now, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight.

There we go. In the bin this week, a catalogue of lots from the auction of Andy Zoltzman memorabilia inspired by the film star and famous cricket of cousin Russell Crowe, who this week flogged off a load of his old junk from his career. I'm going to be doing the same Russell Crowe flogged off props from the film Gladiator,

including a pretend horsey, his co-star, Wacken Phoenix, who went for $85,000, and the actual corpse of the philosopher, Emperor Marcus Aurelius. And we have the lots from the Zolt's auction, for your delectation in there been this week, Lot 56. My set list from my first ever gig on the London Open Mike circuit in 1999. Here it is, comedy cafe, January 99, opening up with what's up with

snakes. I mean, what are you, a worm or a sword? Needed work. Why Britain's future in the EU is far from assured. I mean, I was visionary really. I mean, I was so far ahead of my time, exawared, I stand by that. I mean, when you think about it, what the fuck is going on? The next bit when Donald Trump becomes president, I mean, it's quite extraordinary that I saw this happening. As long ago as January 1999, men and women colon differences, I mean, that was quite extraordinary that I saw this happening. As long ago as January 1999, men and women colon differences,

I mean, that was a classic bit of observational. And how the internet is a passing fad like the plague. So I mean, two or three is not bad in terms of global predictions. Lot 87, the typewriter on which one of my infinite joke writing monkeys wrote a very amusing routine about burning Catholics. Lot 134, the javelin I used in my short-lived character act, Jan Zuleszny, based on the Czech Olympic champion and world record-holding javelin through Jan Zuleszny, but imagining that he worked in a zoo and practiced his javelin throwing whenever possible. That's me really

getting into character there. It's lucky you don't see the elephant offstage. Estimate for that. That's 12 quid, that javelin. Now, lots, 192. The real John Oliver. Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what I noticed. It's wearing a old school bugle t-shirt here. Anyway, the real John Oliver, I've kept him in my cellar in London since June 2006 when he told me he wanted to do the daily show job instead of coming with me to Edinburgh to talk to 25 people a day in a darkened room. So I've kept him locked in my cellar and I sent a fake John Oliver to the States who attempt to scupper his career. Turned out he was

fucking incredible. It's done very well and finally locked 278. Here it is this is the aching silence from the Manchester Comedy Store 22nd of December 2002. When I did a gig, there went so badly that most of my jokes are still receiving counseling for post-traumatic stress. For those of you wanting to preview that lot, here is some of that silence. So I mean that gives you an idea of just stretch that out for about another 20 minutes. Right it's time now to meet our co-hosts for today's Bugle. You ready to meet today's co-hosts?

Yes! We're going to do this by means of a guess, the guess the Bugle co-host game here it is based on the following lies. So see if you can guess who is about to come on stage based on these lies. This person owns the world's largest remote control penguin. Has already started building his or her own commemorative pyramid. It will be 754 meters high in 3D outside Luxor in Egypt. And with a snooker table in the burial chamber, just in case, and lie three,

thinks the Battle of Auststerlitz was a hoax. So who could this possibly be, of course, it is? Alice Faiser! There we go. Hello, Annie. Hello, viewers. Hello, Tom. Let's get this shit on the road.

Welcome back, Alice. Oh, thank you. Welcome to my country. Right. You seem to flee it quite often. Yes. It's one of those things where absence makes the hard-core fondant. Also, no one wants to watch me here. Let's move on to our second co-host. Let's play it here at his guest, Steve co-host. Line number one. Prepares for shows by visualising here's a terrapin. Line number two, and he gets it yet. Rejected the chance to co-pilot NASA's secret Apollo 18

mission to Mars today to appear at this show. Surely that is worth a round of applause. What a sacrifice. At Live 3, Star the Longside formal world, Heavyweight champion, Evanda Holyfield, and the stage production of shelves of the merciful. Shelves of the merciful, if you've not seen it, is of course a musical based on the life of Melville, the founder of the Jewish decimal system, the pin-up boy of 19th century library classification. Could it be? It is... David O'Dockerti, there we are, master of the keyboard. Call away from... I'm going to try my best to be the one who loves me There it is My signature theme music

It's great to be back Great to be back, beauty Yeah, so it's lovely to have you back Big news from Australia Yep They don't say road cones I was trying to organize five aside Came a football the other day

Right, I'm like, well we used to goals And I'm like, there's some road cones there And they're like, what? There's like traffic cones. They're like, eh, there are witches hats. That's what they call them here. Can you believe? You know, no one says around the world, everyone listening to this is like, that is the most ridiculous bullshit. Witches hat. Oh, I didn't realize that's so much Halloween themed stuff was there. Let's be a go. Top story this week. Here comes a visual.

There you go, look at that. I spent... This is a podcast. You can't say here comes a visual on a podcast. Well, that's what makes this live show so special. For people listening, just imagine the best that Clip Art has to offer. It took me under two hours that. Right, so it's time. Top story this week. Is the world on the brink of Armageddon?

So, who is he actually going to happen? Let me go. He's Armageddon going to happen? Let's find out. The listener, that was another one of his visual clip-hires. I mean, somewhere this is going to make no sense to people listening at home. That was a question mark coming onto a screen. And I feel a disproportionate sense of achievement from having made that happen.

You shouldn't. I know I shouldn't, Alice, but I do. Given the technical problems we experienced just before these people came in, you should feel proud. Thank you, Tom. Yes. So, who has been enjoying the Syrian crisis? Yes, not really my thing either. David, what would you prefer, the Syrian crisis or sport? Well, to use one of your awful cricket metaphors,

what's possible at the world has seen a good innings, but now it's time to blow up the stadium incinerating everyone because one of the cricketers is worried a p-taped featuring him might come out. And you can't get it out of your head that that could be what's going on here. It's the waggiest wagging of a dog that has ever been. And we will all pay. Right. So Ireland, Ireland have stayed out of it.

You'll notice. Right. Thus far, similar to the way we stayed neutral during the entire Second World War, even to the point where we sent the German ambassador, condolences on the death of Mr. Hitler. That's not pick a side till we're absolutely sure who the bodies are. The US and allies have launched attacks

on what they believe to be chemical weapon sites in Syria, which means one of two things, either they are chemical weapon sites or they're not chemical weapon sites, but they've definitely been bombed and that's the important thing. General Joseph Dunford, Washington's top general, said the attacks were directed at Syria's scientific studies and research center in the Basé district outside the capital Damascus, a storage facility west of Homs, and another one. Donald Trump has said nothing is off the table when it comes to Syria and you definitely

want your military strategy to sound like a sales pitch for a secondhand trinkets shop at a local market. Well, when Donald Trump says nothing, nothing is off the table. I'm sure many of you like me think Donald Trump has his penis on the table. That was our, I played on the table. That was our, I played on a table tennis team and my teams and nothing off the table is what the coach used to show them. When asked if Russian president Vladimir Putin bears any responsibility for the reported chemical weapons attacks, Mr. Trump responded, he may, yeah, he may, and if he does, it's going to be very tough, very tough.

All of these horrifying and scary, given only the slightest of silver linings by Trump's tendency to say everything he says twice, like a character in a children's book. He went on to say everyone's going to pray a price, he will, everybody will, thereby providing both a very concise explanation of capitalism and also no explanation of whether or not he's actually going to come out against Putin. of whether or not he's actually going to come out against Putin. I don't find Trump's position as the leader of the free world, particularly reassuring at the moment. I don't know if I'm going out on a limb when I say that. To me, Donald Trump being in charge of a knife-edge international political standoff

is about as reassuring as going into an operating theatre for major abdominal surgery and seeing Jackie Chan scrubbing up. I'm sure he has some capabilities, but they are not the capabilities that you want for this particular job. It's probably going to hurt and not work. It's a, I mean, I get the argument that they used, that that was the red line, the, well, it was the red line again. Another one of the red lines was the recent use of chemical weapons. But this week's also 20 years since the Belfast agreement brought peace to Northern Ireland, which is the legacy of that Labour government in Britain being a rack and Northern Ireland.

And there are two very different legacies. One is like Game of Thrones, and the other is where they actually film Game of Thrones. No, it's like that fast. I mean, I said it's a hard man to warm to as a neutral. And he has, I mean, a strange collection of hobbies, because using chemical weapons on his own people is, I mean, that's a niche hobby at best. But his other hobbies are quite mainstream. He likes photography and listening to the music of the electric light orchestra. No. As well as war crimes. That is the weirdest triathlon in human history. While he's nailed a transitioning to listening from listening to 1970s prog rock into taking snaps of pretty flowers with spiders webs listening in the morning sunshine, but can he now nail the crucial slaughtering his own people face?

This is very much Bashar's speciality, the war crimes element. Many struggle with it logistically and especially psychologically, but he takes it like a duck to a Chinese pancake. especially psychologically, but he takes it like a duck to a Chinese pancake. It's frankly, I mean, the whole political situation over Syria, years and years of it, it's essentially an absolute massive political shitless, sania layer upon layer built up over years of political bloopers. I think we need to take a bit of a closer look at Bashar al-Assad, which I'm not sure is it just... Oh, this is... Sorry, there's a charity element to this part of the show. I want you all to support this organisation. I'm a proud patron of, make Armageddon worthwhile again. Because, frankly, you know, I'm not intrinsically

against the end of the world. I think economically it actually makes quite sound shareholder sense, because we are a lost making planet. But it wanted to be worthwhile, you know, back in the Bay of Peaks, you could get behind the end of the world during the height of the Cold War, a proper fundamental disagreement over how human beings should got,

no one would have minded us being blown to shit then. But now this is basically just infantile playground dick swinging, so raise the fucking butt. I mean, for those people at home, it's a graphic of what, it looks like it's meant to be a mushroom cloud, but in fact, it looks like a piece of broccoli doing a hula hoop. Or, well, my kids will, my kids will eat neither of those things. Or a fart coming out of a very ill butthole. That's not a good one. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Which is possibly appropriate for this situation.

Some facts about Bashar Alasad. Eight time UN baddie of the year nominee. Er, Ranked Insider... I mean, he gets a lot of bad press, but he's Ranked Insider world's top four billion nicest men in the world. That's something from to cling to, unlikely ever to host the Oscars. I think he's really burnt those bridges with the Academy over the world. Something for him to cling to, unlikely ever to host the Oscars.

I think he's really burnt those bridges with the Academy over the years. Australian government advice for you people regarding Bashar Alassad, do not invite for dinner. That is the official Australian government advice. And also, he is not a cricket fan. Bashar Alassad, not a cricket fan. Yeah, exactly. So let's find out, I mean, this is the root of all the problems. David, is he definitely not a cricket fan? I mean, it was quite disparaging when Ireland are always vying for the eighth place, I believe,

in World Cricket, which gets you into World Cups and things. Well, tens of these days. Ireland, Scotland and Afghanistan. And Afghanistan seemed to beat us quite a lot. Yeah. Well, there's so much money washing around in Afghanistan these days, the facility there. I don't understand how he can't be a cricket fan.

He's such a wicked man. Come on! Come on. APPLAUSE I'll give you a ding for that. Hang on. Right. But, well, let's see, here we are.

I've got a list here of loser. People who are and aren't cricket fans, like cricket and not like cricket, so we'll start with someone in the do not like cricket column. There we have BH Allysad, Bashar Allysad does not like cricket, whereas Stephen Fry does like cricket and everyone whereas Stephen Fry does like cricket, and everyone loves Stephen Fry. Let's move on. Here we have Vladimir Putin.

Does not like cricket. Maximus, decimus, meridius. The aforementioned Russell Crowe, massive cricket fan, and also saved the Roman Empire from the evil Emperor Commodus in that famous documentary. Adolf Hitler did not like cricket. He had the chance to take cricket when the Great England cricket, a CB fry, went to Germany in the 1930s to try to convert Germany to test match cricket. He refused it because he preferred genocide compared with the Commonwealth of Australia. Does like cricket.

So it's very much, we're seeing the, who is on the side of good and who is on the side of evil? Not like cricket, Ivan the Terrible. It's not like cricket. Andy Zoltzman does like cricket. And BLZ-Bub, he doesn't like... Not a cricket fan. He likes big bass cricket.

Well, he likes, yeah, well, exactly. I mean, that just proves my point, frankly. What's the point of a game that takes less than half a week? And Jesus Christ, J.H. Christ, what have been a cricket fan? How do you been a cricket fan? What's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- what's the H- short for there in Yahweh's name? J. H. Christ. Herb it. I think Herb it's yeah. You would think that someone might have read the hugely popular Chilcot report which came out after the last Iraq war, which I believe we were involved

in the only public reading of ever in a shed in Edinburgh that went on for two weeks. Oh yes, yes. It's 30 volumes. And its number one conclusion was, don't just fire bombs at a place, send in weapons inspectors, and just make sure this will help. And someone forgot to read that. Amazingly, there was someone who hadn't. It's a real page turner if anyone's going to the beach.

Well, that is a problem of not getting it boiling it down to less than 30 volumes, because presumably, your conclusion is at the end. And no one is going to whine through the whole f***ing lot, are they? Yes, I have. Well, I've actually got the shortened version. I did produce a shortened version

of a public consumption laugh here of the Chilcot report. Sherry, with you now, here it is, the full conclusions of the Chilcot report into the causes and nature of the Iraq war. Here it is. Whoops. I have the pop-up version of that book here. Let me just open up the single page.

Fuck. Let's move on to Trump and Comey. that's what I was trying to get to. There we are, that little kid they're having there. So who wants to be, did he or didn't he get urinated on by prostitutes correspondent? Well, Comey's book has come out this week where he certainly does not say that Trump is definitely sure that a video does not exist. Comey's book is called Comey, my story, and then it has four subtitles. It's all Comey's out in the wash.

This is such a zullsmann bag, Joe. The bigger they call me, the harder they fall. That's quite good, because he has six foot ace. Call me back down to earth, that's what happens after that. And call me up smelling of roses, is how he... Call me out of the whole thing. In the first excerpt released from his new book, A Higher Loyalty, former FBI Director James Cummings,

has a go at President Donald Trump in what early reviews are calling not a big shock. I figured he'd be pretty angry and pretty much what we expected. In the book, which will be released next week, Cummings describes Trump's presidency as a forest fire, like as the president to a mob boss and says Trump pressured him more than once to investigate the notorious Russian p-tap. He calls Trump untethered to truth, which as a connoisseur of bullshit goes up towards

the top of the list of great euphemisms for bullshit. Alongside alternative facts, fake news, it feels true. I read it on the internet and the bugle. It's a rather lovely phrase that untethered to truth. Also in the book he says he is unencumbered by the perceived necessity of factualism. He is a man able and more importantly willing to overlook the restraining manacles of veracity. He fears not to belch into the lunchbox of rigorously researched accuracy and leaves himself free to enjoy the full smorgasbord

offered by the head chef at Labestro Delusion. LAUGHTER So, I guess it's a telly. LAUGHTER I mean, that kind of did he... I mean, I've got no problem with that incident in the Russian hotel room did happen. I mean, is that... Surely, as I said, it's about David Cameron with a pig's head tape. I mean, is that surely, as I said this about David Cameron with the pig's head tape,

I mean, surely from America's point of view, it is far better to have a president who has already been urinated on by prostitutes in a Russian hotel room than a president who is constantly wandering what it would be like. LAUGHTER It should be. LAUGHTER

You know, I mean, he has enough trouble fucking concentrating as it is. Get it out of the way. China is essentially about to invade Australia, I think. They appear to have bought Vanuatu New Zealand is next, which they're going to get for, I believe, about $4.3 million. It's slightly above the market, right? Alex, are you worried about China taking over the entire hemisphere? Well, there's arguments that they're about to put a base in Vanuatu, because they own almost half of Vanuatu's $440 million debt, and they're planning to use that as leverage

to get them to agree to host a military base. And it seems like the kind of sensible economic-based synesterness we've come to expect from this global superpower. Look, my cousin got married in Vanuatu, so I can tell you for sure that it is a hospital and lovely place, perfectly situated for the launching of hostilities. China and Vanuatu have both denied the Fairfax report, which means we should either assume it's not true and be worried about the quality of our national journalism, and its tendency to beat up stories in a fear mongering compulsion to keep people anxiety buying the products of an increasingly more

abandoned news journalism industry. Or else, we should assume it is true. It's like, you know, of course, the two parties with a vested interest in denying their plans to set up a military base would deny it. It's like when your hot boss says he's not hitting on your wife, like sure, he would say that even if he was hitting on your wife, but he was saying that also if he wasn't hitting on your wife. So basically, either f**k or not f**ked, but I didn't think we had trust issues, Sandra.

In Vanuatu, I think we talked about this on the people some time ago, Prince Philip is a God in Vanuatu. He's still alive. Oh, he's immortal. The people of Vanuatu have made their decisions. He is fully immortal. I mean, does maybe China took one look at this place and thought maybe we can outsmart them.

They've made Prince Philip a god. He's infallible on Vanuatu. He cannot go on fire. I mean no one seems to be if the invasion of Australia as announced on this, is going ahead. No one seems to be that worried about it on the streets of Melbourne. I took the temperature just before we came in here. And no one's, you know, the people aren't rushing or trying to buy bread. You know, the things you normally do before invasion.

They were just drinking quite expensive tiny cups of not very hot coffee. Like they always do. I am struck always by, I think it's the problem that there hasn't been a recession in Australia for so long, certainly in Melbourne and Victoria anyway. And I'm obsessed with Australian shops you walk past and you don't know what they're trying to sell. It's just in the wind, big glass window

with just a basket of limes in it, a single old penguin book and an impressively beautiful woman just standing in air conditioned freezingness inside, just shaking her head, looking at me going, it's not for you, whatever it is. It's not for you. This is not for you. Whatever it is, this is not for you.

Also in China, back news for bicycles. Oh yes, back news for bicycles. In environmentally friendly news now, Chinese bike rental services have been booming so hard they've made an own goal for the planet. So I had an illustration for this but I realised we've skipped a few slides. And I don't have a technical paper but Tom, can you put it on the picture of the bicycles? Picture of the bicycles. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, companies have quickly flooded city streets with millions of brightly colored rental bicycles that are now being sent to giant bicycle graveyards, thus defeating both the environmental and economic point of bike-sharing services. The explosion of excess bikes has also had a disastrous impact on the ecosystem, with bicycle

thieves now completely cut out of the cycle cycle of life. In knock-on effects, sales of both cutters and hoodies have plummeted, and the worried mums of Hoodlum teens are stuck with overflowing warehouses of now completely worthless phrases like, I can't even look at you right now. On the bright side, I'm sure stadium-sized bike graveyards will come in useful for something later when the apocalypse arrives, or in the best possible scenario, everything in China will soon be made out of bicycles like a lazy steam puck nightmare. Oh look, another fountain that's also a gyroscope. I mean, Melbourne does have its own version of that.

There's been a disastrous bike share scheme here called O-Bikes, and you'll notice them because they're mostly- It pronounced O-Bikes. Oh, I thought it was like an Irish name. An Irish person, I don't know. I don't know. And these bikes are unlike the ones we have in our end in the UK, they're untethered to a docking station. So untethered again, that word's come up.

And you can just put them anywhere around the city, mostly in trees. And one week, 42 were hauled out of the river Yarra, which is an amazing statistic, because wherever they are, their satellite homing devices are still working, so you can see where they are, and they're underwater.

LAUGHTER BELL RINGS BELL RINGS Let's move on now to Ireland, a Borton referendum news. Oh, brilliant. I think I got the... Here we go. What, let me...

Oh. Stop it. You need to click it. I think the moral of the story is your PowerPoint skills are the real abortion here. Talk amongst yourself! You need to click it. I think the moral of the story is your PowerPoint skills are the real abortion here. You'd be arrested for making that joke in Ireland? So, to the listeners just bullying Andy. To the listeners at home, I believe Andy's laptop has now switched to what you call that

effect when you leave a laptop for a while and beautiful pictures of like icebergs and polar bears just start. You call it a miracle. There we go. This is an illustration for the island story. That's what I was trying to get to. Happy, uh, happy eighth, repeal the eighth day. Um, how many of that, that's 4am job, that is.

Come on, cut me some slack. Is Ireland about to be brought kicking and screaming into the 20th century? Only if it has the resources to properly support and love the kicking, screaming new world. Otherwise, I totally support its decision to wait until it's ready to bring a new reform. Ha ha.

Ha ha. The Arlan's a tricky country. Ha ha. In 2015, we made a really big deal of being the first country in the world to have a referendum, brackets, not a plebiscite, to decide if everyone should be allowed to get married, and we pated ourselves in the back and we went, brilliant, we're so modern now. But you still can't get an abortion for any reason,

in incredibly limited circumstances, not for a rape or a fatal fetal abnormality. So this is one of those referendums that, like most referendums I suppose, that are people in their late 60s versus everyone else. But they all vote. And then the trick it's so I would say being a liberal urban elite that, yeah, we're going to walk gonna walk this but in 1996 was when the divorce referendum was which is preposterous but this is the country that five years before had made condoms

legal so it's it's happening slowly in 96 there was no divorce in Ireland so I mean my entire youth was going on play dates with other kids and be like, why is your dad living a shed in the garden? My parents obviously hate each other so much because they couldn't break up. And in 96, I was in university and we were campaigning in favor of divorce and we stopped campaigning because we never met anyone in our city bubble that wasn't going to vote for a divorce. And in the end, it got in by 51% to 49. And wouldn't have got in only a mini bus somewhere in the Midlands got its wheels stuck in a ditch.

So while I would be very confident that fundraising has been very good in Ireland so far in favor of repealing this Athe amendment, which guarantees equal right to life of a mother and an unborn child or a fetus, so whether it's going to get through now is going to be especially because there are a lot of money. The don't repeal the 8th side of a lot of money probably coming from America. And Ireland has a patchy enough record with women's rights that has made some excellent films though such as the Magdalensisters and Filomena. So at least we have that as our awful legacy.

The Bishop of Derry raised the question of if a Bortenwright's legalised where will it end? Will it end with the lawful killing of the elderly and infirm? That's what happens in England, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it's happened. I mean, there's barely any elderly people in England now because people just go around slaughtering them,

willy-nilly, just like. I thought they all went to Spain. All right, but on, be back. I do want to look. This is a situation where I'm going home and I'll be part of this thing. And it's a question of not dismissing especially older people who have grown up, Catholic and uncomfortable with the idea, you have to be able to argue, to put forward a case as to why this needs to be changed in our constitution.

And I can relate to this because recently I've had to come to terms with my friend as a paleontologist and she told me that apparently the T-Rex had feathers and I cannot accept that. And is the tradition that I did not grow up with? There is no way! They were massive chickens. No way! I'm not having it! LAUGHTER But anyway, I've done a computer simulation on whether a portion of rights will lead to the lawfully, lawfully killing of the elderly in infirm, and, well, it won't.

It's actually much more likely to just gradually move up through the AIDS brackets and start with the legal killing of babies than children who are expensive and annoying. LAUGHTER Present company accepted. LAUGHTER I was also killing the elderly. I mean, what's the point of that?

It's a waste of it. They're basically dying off naturally anyway. MUSIC Well, let's do the punk turtle. No, I've got a picture of him. Oh, he's... This Australian punk turtle is going endangered, despite breathing through its genitals in a way that despite Gwyneth Paltrow's overpriced vagina steaming suggestions to the contrary, we poor humans are not capable of doing.

The endangerment of this punk turtle has been going viral, mainly because it has cool hair, which makes it much more interesting than the hundreds of thousands of other species we drive to extinction each year. Here is a list of other species that are going extinct, which I will describe for the listening audience. This, Tom? Do you want me to?

Yes. Oh, hang on. There's another bit of tech coming up here. Tom, this is where you earned a big bucks mate. I can describe it for the viewing audience. Can I just point out my boss is actually in tonight? It's not a life fault. Really?

It's all landy fault. He must have been very impressive that you were sitting down at a desk doing nothing for the last 45 minutes. No, get my fucking pay rise. I'm not going to mess with PowerPoint. I might have to go, okay, we'll try it. Don't blame me, God. I already... That is algae on its head, isn't it? That is not hair.

That is a growth of algae. And that, to me, is the... I think it's a weave. Right. I'm gonna, as you know, I'm a cutting edge of hair fashion. I want to look at that. Right, this is very... Hang tight, it's all right.

There we go. There we go. This yellow-eyed adult, Mama Set set fetus known as an eye eye has ears like monomified testicles and creepily-brehensile fingers for climbing trees and picking pockets. That is what Bernie Sanders will look like in 900 years' time. This finless porpoise whose charming smile is the only thing keeping its glistening hide and creepy finlessness

from being entirely reminiscent of the chess buster from the alien movies. And this, known as the penis snake. Oh my. And what can be said about the penis snake that hasn't already been said about a penis? It looks like a penis. The greatest thinkers of history have done their best to encompass the complex beauty of this natural specimen. I think it was Aristotle who said, holy shit, that looks like a penis. The greatest thinkers of history have done their best to encompass the complex beauty of this natural specimen. I think it was Aristotle who said, holy shit, that looks like a penis.

Are you sure it isn't just a picture of a purple penis? To the listeners at home, this picture looks like Darth Vader in a sleeping bag. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER All right. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER My genuine screen saver. Just one moment while I get the PowerPoint back. Tom, can you cut that laugh enough to one of my ways? I'm a man who knows a thing or two about extreme animal facts because a few years ago myself and Claudia O'Darriety of the Sydney Parish wrote two books of made up facts about animals that have some of the most confused Amazon reviews you will ever see. The 100 facts about sharks that includes 90% of shark attacks take place in water. Of the 10% that take place outside of it, the most common scenarios are on the decks of fishing boats,

stuffed sharks falling from their mountains and crushing people in museums, and people falling out of bed during shark-based nightmares. That is the kind of fact that I appreciate being brought onto this podcast, David. a'r bodgy arsdair. A'r 3rd co-host, yw'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n f back this year, so this is my 3D printout of Donald Trump's brain, which you can see now. So I thought we would maybe try and get his view, because I turned him into a cricket fan in my show last year, so I thought maybe try and get his view on the ball tampering scandal. So Donald, you're right. Yes, and he. Can you pump this up?

Oh, we're having this. If this... So are you you alright? This is not going to work. Just... Well, I tell you, if you want to know how that bit was going to go, come back to next week's show when I... To quote one of my favourite speeches of the week to describe how I think this bugle has gone,

was the Juventus Goldkeeper, Bufon, at the age of 40, was sent off and possibly his last ever Champions League match. And afterwards, he was asked to comment on how he thought the ref had been. And he said, clearly, you cannot have a heart in your chest, but a rubbish bin. You have to be a murderer to make the decisions you've made.

And that's how I feel about you with this podcast. I've had a great time. Well, I hope you've all had a great time as well. I'll be back at the same time. Next Sunday with Tom Ballard and DT Mittell. I'll do go and see Alice and David's show. Do you want to give you a show as a plug? I'll be...

Well, I'll be... When's this coming out? Well, it's coming out to these people right now. Literally right now. I mean, with all... You know, I'm on the forum in Melbourne until next Sunday, and then I'm doing an Australian tour afterwards to all the places around the edges,

Brexit's in dinner, if a seagull can't land on the venue, I will not play it. Alex. I have three things to plug. Number one is my solo show, Ethos, which is a double act with a robot that works better than that. Secondly, next week, on Saturday, I am doing three one-hour shows in one three-hour show. And it's going to be a fucking disaster, so come along. And third, Tom, who works at the ABC,

is producing a podcast called Troll Play that I am in and it's where we take the shit of the internet and turn it into the flowers of joy. So tune into that as and when it comes out. And if you want to see my solo show, it's here called Right Question Drone Answers at 6 o'clock today, 7 o'clock next week, until Sunday. On the basis of this show, you just stand there

getting electrocuted for a night. LAUGHTER Well, it's not that far off, to be honest. LAUGHTER You know, it's good to have a niche, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it is. It could be the electrocute himself on the site. Thank you very much for coming, Bougalers.

I hope you've enjoyed it sort of a bit of a technical issue. But I think we've all learned something. Thank you, Donald. I'll see you all next week. Good night. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.