The Bugle - Bugle 4066 – Donald’s a Bugler

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

Andy is with Tom Ballard and newcomer Aditi Mittal to discuss more stupid news from the week. They are also joined by EXTRA SPECIAL NEW CO-HOST – DONALD TRUMP (sort of).With@HelloBuglers@TomCBallardAditi Mittal@TomEdwardWright@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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audio newspaper for a visual world. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Um... APPLAUSE What? Where's that... Oh, there we are. That's me. Hello, Buggles!

Hello, Buggles! How are you all? Good, excellent. Welcome, welcome to the live B live bugle here at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It's a great pleasure to be here in this city where sadly some sad news has broken in the last three days. A noodle restaurant has unfortunately closed down and since that happened, 4.5 million Melbourneians have just been desperately waiting for food. There's nowhere else left in the city to provide them with it, just waiting desperately for any UN Air Drops. So for our crowd, for those you're listening at home sounds a bit hungry than usual, that is the

reason why. So this is the bugle live, the visual version of a show that has always prided itself on its complete lack of visuality. What the f**k are you people doing here? And this is bugle 4,066. And we are recording on the 22nd of April, 2018. And this is the anniversary of the 22nd of April in 1864, which was a cracking year. And on the 22nd of April in 1864, the US Congress passed the Coignage Act of 1864

that mandated the inscription, in God we trust, should be placed on all coins minted as US currency. And here we go, in God we trust. But they didn't entirely trust God, because they've also gone with a clever side bet of, yeah, with a side bet, an overwhelming military firepower and economic and cultural imperialism as well. I mean, God, to be honest, he is pretty shit in his job these days. So it was a lovely gesture back in 1864, but history showed that they were sensible to cover

their backs a bit. Also, some sensational birthdays here in the 22nd of April. Let's start with, here he is. Emmanuel Kant, happy birthday to Emmanuel, got near Emmanuel Kant fans in. The pro-philosopher, the Prussian ponderer himself, terrific little philosopher, young Emmy, and one of the earliest exponents of the idea

that perpetual world peace could be secured through universal democracy and international cooperation. Priceless. Absolutely. Fucking priceless. He must be slapping his own forehead in his grave thinking, how the fuck could I be so naive? Also in manual, can't tell reason to be the source of morality. And this is proved by modern contemporary politics, in fact, in which there is absolutely no reason and absolutely no morality. Stacks up. Also, of course, Kant was big into epistemology.

Epistemology? Your epistemology? You say, see a doctor? That could be serious. That is a joke. Here we go. Next birth, there. Here we go. Next birth, there. Here it is.

Lenin. There we are. Lenin. For those of you watching this ordeal at home, the big joke there, which, I mean, just saying the word Lenin, doesn't always get that big a laugh to be honest. He's the picture, he's not entirely of Lenin but he's of Mr Jeremy Corbyn. Very much his spiritual descendant according to parts of the British media. Lenin of course, the early 20th century social influencer.

I believe we know that. And poster boy of Leninism. And also, birthday today, it's Helen's Oldsmann. It's her birthday today. There we go, that is Helen's Oldsmann. Today, also, it's World Earth Day today. Are you fans of Earth? Yep. I mean, how do you put it in terms of planets within the solar system?

Are we still podium or third? Well, take third. It's a medal, isn't it? It goes on the f***ing medals table. So who do you think about? Tom, Tom, get out there with them. Who's with third? Mercury first. Mercury first. So, who do you think, Tom? Get out there with the... Who's there? With third?

Mercury first. Mercury first? Everybody tries to get close to the star, so... So, yeah, I mean, so the Mercury is the closest planet to the star. The biggest thing of the Earth. Right, I mean, I'll get further and further away from the stars every year. Go ahead and fight them. Runs again.

And second? Oh, Venus. Venus, so you're very much going... This is a very heliocentric view of the solar system. So going for the one's closest to us. Why is your issue without a lying planet? Is there not enough prejudice in this country already? Coming in sterling here, gravity.

They're stealing our gravity. They're coming over here. Staining our gravity. Changing our orbit. Very slightly. Good, right? Okay, at least we've thought it through and you've got a reason. So it is Earth Day. This episode of the Beagle is a special Earth-themed bugle, in fact, dealing with issues relating to the earth. And some earth fats to get the show started for you. Earth has produced more Olympic medalists than any other planet. This picture of the earth shows the earth in only two

dimensions. The earth is not flat yet. Now, the current theories that flat earthers were not wrong, they were merely premature. The new astronomicalist theory is that there is a new type of black hole called the steam roller, which could flatten the earth like a child's pancake within the next 8-12 trillion years. It is also possible the earth used to be flat. When people first thought it was flat, that's just a little while before Sky Fiddler, Nikki Copernicus started banging on about it being round and shit.

And then it actually changed shape from flat to spherical, as we know it today, to explanations for this. One, the earth hit middle age and just wump. All that muscle straight around the midriff. And the other is that God got pissed off with Earth not working the way he wanted it to and just screwed it up like a piece of paper, flung it out the window and it caught an orbit around the sun. So that's not right off the loonies yet.

Since I started this show, sad news about the Earth, more than five mosquitoes have been radicalised to become millennial. And more than 2,000 bacteria have sadly passed away. You're heartless bastards! Typical humans. All in all, not bad for six days' work. When you say a planet of that quality, I've done that. It's worth a round of applause. I've done a new worth a round of applause. I knew a round of applause for... Clearly too much sea bit rushed at the end and obviously some continents weren't properly finished. Were they Australia?

What about the f***ing middle bit? Far bit for me to criticize someone for doing a rush job to meet a deadline, but still a fifth expo. Terrific effort from the big lad. And, oh, in fact, just just got getting a message through on Twitter, from God's Twitter feed at God Yahweh Allergy Hovers' use. That is interesting, isn't it?

I mean, that is really covering his bases there. Thanks, Atthello Bueglos, did my best not bad for a third go. Really good, the first two, we all know. Recent planets weigh better, but you always have a soft spot Third go. You're the first two, you're the first. Recent planets weigh better, but you always have a soft spot for the oldies. BTW, love the show. Always ready to listen when you come to your senses. Hashtag, sorry about the end of your willy.

Hashtag rules is rules. Hashtag, I actually meant it about the pigs and the prawns and shit. So, of course, that's fake. fake that was 294 characters not the regulation 280 ironically it's the same number as Alistair Cook's high scoring test cricket so join the dots people although admittedly on the recent tour of Australia he did bat as if he had borrowed someone else's limbs he'd borrowed someone else's limbs. BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE BOROTE It's time to meet our co-host and we're going to play guest of the beautiful co-host again

based on the following lies. Who could this possibly not be? Line number one, he has a tattoo of Malcolm Turnbull. And you don't want to know where, but it does rather raise question marks about his political impartiality. Considering metal detecting as a hobby, just thinks there might be a lot of metal hidden somewhere, and also rumoured suspects in the assassination of American President William McKinley. Who could these lies possibly be about?

The answer is from Australia, Tom Ballon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi, everybody. Hi, Andy. Hi, Tom. Hi, Biegles. Welcome, Tom. Welcome. Oh, this is your walk on music. I didn't put it loud enough. Oh, there you go. So, I mean, how's your festival been? You've been just loving doing weekends? Yes. I haven't done a show this year.

Yep. I've been too busy doing a TV show that nobody watches. Pretty cool. Anyone of you watch tonight, Lee? Lies, I've seen the numbers. These are the numbers. LAUGHTER The numbers I've been looking for, I would dream of the audience this big this week. LAUGHTER

The numbers I've been looking for, I would dream of a audience this big this week. It would be wonderful. But now I've had a lovely time, I saw your show last night, Andy, was very, very, very, very to time. And, no, it was a joke, it was so good. And yeah, it's done two little charity shows and it's been lovely. But though I miss, I miss telling jokes for an hour every night, yeah. So you've been doing tonight, you know, what, for about five or six months? Yeah, it's the same, it's the same, yes. And have you cured all the problems in Australia?

Yeah. Right, good. Well, I'm glad that Satire still works, so... ...it's pretty much more efficient than my old, beautiful partner. He's still... ...banging home. May. May. May. Judas. You know where Mary-Kill is,

Mary-Kill, that's right. So, like, guess the view will go to, number two, third in line to the Led Zeppelin drum seat. Just needs two more drummers to die, and she will be the official drummer of Led Zeppelin. Also, reigning Northern Hemisphere Garden Bench description champion. Just amazing descriptions of benches.

Very, very evocative. And rumoured suspect in the James A. Garfield assassinate. I don't know what it is with my co-hosts being linked with the less high profile of the four American presidential assassinations. But it is, for the first time ever on the Bugle, please give a huge Bugle welcome to the wonderful, and DT Mittal! APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for having me. Well, thanks, thanks for having me. I'd use some walk-on music as well, huh? Oh, sorry, actually. Should I talk? There we go. That is what is coming out of that radio in that photo, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Well thanks sir, thanks for having to add you some walk on music as well. Oh sorry, actually, nice one. There we go. That is what is coming out of that radio in that photo, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Initially ending, the walk on music has been played as people walk on. I know Tom, but look, I only started trying to do this last week. I think I'm doing quite well in the circumstances. Right. Last week, it was about five past two. All right, it's longer than it's, oh there it was about five past two. Oh, it's longer than it's, oh there it is, it's finished now, it has now finished. So, right, I think it is now time for the... There's too many things to press, I'm like, right.

DJ's ultimate press, that button, where, where, where, where, where, where. Right, here we go. Pingo. Top story this week, nailed it. Erm... LAUGHTER Thank you. Erm, and well, the top story this week is... Well, if there's one thing the United Kingdom has proved itself good at over and over again through the years,

it is welcoming people from all around the universe to our God-given shores with open arms, open hearts and open return tickets to wherever the f*** they came from. Even if it is six decades from when they arrived. Now the Windrush story has been quite spectacular and we've basically been trying to send people back to the West Indies who arrived in Britain Mae'n gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gweithio'r ymdyn ym access to health service treatment, benefits and pensions and strip them of their jobs. And there is no final way to apologise for the injustices of empire that we perpetrated on other people than by treating them like total shit. So it's some strange time for Britain. I believe there's some indigenous Australians who are trying to get something going with the first fleet generation as well.

Sorry mate, you don't have the paperwork, move on. You can't just yell tyrannally as it my face. Move on buddy. just fleet generation as well. Sorry mate, you don't have the paperwork, move on. You can't just yell tyrannally as at my face. Move on buddy. Keep on heading out. I love how Briton just thinks they can send people back, like it's food at a restaurant just saying, I'm full.

You've got to send it back there. That's not good. We are far more tolerant of food in restaurants. Have you seen that? Kind of shit we eat. Tom, Tom, Tom, Scottish restaurants. I mean, I mean, basically you could have a murder scene on a plate and people would just lap it up.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It needs to be deep fried first. Deep, deep fried murder scene. Or as it's also known. Haggish. Oh, yeah, a room little Scottish food joke, so. Sorry, I've got these food joke. So... Aditi, of course, as an Indian,

you have been, you're the lucky recipient of the wisdom of empire over... I'm still waiting for the thank you card, but no. I think one of my favourite things about being a part of the Commonwealth was that our wealth was yours and your wealth was yours. Just looking it after for you. Though, you know, I have to say, I think that this, it's almost like the douchebaggery is like, it's generational, because now it's, as an Indian, I don't think I can move anywhere

in England without someone very well-meaning, very well-intentioned being like, oh my god, you're from India, but your English is really good. When did you learn? And I'm like, how do you not know this? You shove the language down our throat for 200 years. I'm like, this is this a thing that the British culture, in general, has such a short collective, short term memory, so tiny that halfway through colonization, they forgot why.

They were like, why are we making us slaves? Come on, what's the taxing money coming from? And that's when we spread cricket to everyone, just to make sense of the whole shibazzle. So I have to say this. I think one of my favorite drawbacks of colonialism has been the fact that your shoved the language down our throats. So now, whenever someone's racially abusing us, My favourite drawbacks of colonialism has been the fact that your shopped the language down our throat.

So now, whenever someone's racially abusing us, we know exactly what they're saying. But the thing is, they never know what we're saying. That's what I did stand up in India. And a lot of Indian stand-ups do setups in English and punch lines in Hindi. And it did feel like it was a deliberate code. Andy, we were talking about you the entire time. It's been, it's your first time in Australia, isn't it? That's right.

And what have you been here just a few days? What have you made? Like this is my 56th day in Australia. I've tried to kiss a koala with consent. The best way. Yeah, the only way. You know, tons, I was under the impression that their breath would be a lot more losingy because of all the, like, a ball of eucalyptus eating or whatever.

No. No, it's called chlamydia. And I'm going to have toIFT-ish eating or whatever. No! No! It's called Climidia and... And I'm gonna have to get tested off of this soul. You can kiss a koala on the cheek. It doesn't have to be fully on the lips, I don't know. Go and tell you that. You don't know how to love like an Indian actually. I think my wife said that in her wedding spin.

Can I use that as a show title someday? Tom, you've been in Australia for 28 years now. What have you made of it? I'm on the fence. I've tried a Kisakawala and the people talk funny. It's weird, but that's all right, I'll do. We've been demanding proof of residency from some of these, supposed, let's call them what they are, British people.

But demanding proof of residency for every single year of, for example, the 1960s, which is just a kind of basic paperwork that's the ordinary British person keeps staple to their ribcage. Because you don't know when you're going to need to prove your identity from the 60s, you know, when the FBI are going to turn up at your door and demand to know exactly where you were on the 22nd of November 1963, so they can rule you out of their inquiries into the Kennedy assassination. Well, I think it's only Lincoln left, isn't it?

I've got a Lincoln joke in somewhere. inquiries into the Kennedy assassination. I think it's only Lincoln left, isn't it? I've got to get a Lincoln joke in somewhere. Hey Andy, if you've got paperwork from the 60s, you weren't there, man. LAUGHTER The problem is, the proof that people had of their arrival in Britain, their landing cards and the initial journey, were treated like the logistically important

and historically irreplaceable documents they are, if and only if you important and historically irreplaceable documents they are, if and only if you leave your historically irreplaceable documents in the care of Islamic State, who don't seem to have a huge affection for stuff from Eeridcon by or a museum director who just hates his job and wants to destroy all physical elements of human existence. They basically threw them away.

Now, I'm not a technical expert, as I believe I've proved during this show. You know, I think it's actually a bit strange to me that they're so insistent on paper-paper work, considering half the communication that happens in the British public is apparently through a bus. Oh, yes. Have you? Like, in this story itself, right, there was that...

There we go. Oh, that's it, right, there was that... There we go. Oh, that's it. Oh, there's the headline. Whoops. Oh, I forgot to do that. Should have done that at the start, and I... There we go. I mean, that took me a long time last night. Oh, well, you know.

There we go. So, here we are. This is one of the vehicles... ...to reason, when she was home secretary in 2013. There we go. Well... Has she heard of the internet? Is that taken? All the young kids are not on the internet now. They are looking out of windows spotting vans.

That is the big hobby now. It's the vencer for the deal. Listen to the homeless. There's Indie UK, Legally, Go Home, or Face Arrest. And there's a story this week that apparently Theresa may intervene to make the language more intense, like to strengthen it up, toughen up it a little bit. Originally, it's a story this week that apparently Teresa may intervene to make the language more intense, like to either strengthen it up, toughen up it a little bit. Originally, you know, it's a British science, originally just said,

excuse me, terribly sorry about all this. Would you mind perhaps considering returning to a place of origin that your earliest convenience, what, what, and just a picture of... Just a picture of a crumpert. It made no sense at all. So I'm glad that she got involved in sort of clarified what you've got. So with a traffic in London, that's... That is really only going to reach about eight people at a particular time. The true meaning, in case you're wondering about the subtext of,

go home or face to rest, is this the subtext of it now? Here it is. You're making me homesick. Classic British double bird. Quick Brexit update. The latest phase of negotiations has seen Boris Johnson, our prank foreign secretary, stripping down to his speedos, jumping onto a table and singing, I will survive, before saying, your go, Europe. So it still seems to be locked very much to the swimming trunks phase. Who's British here? And... LAUGHTER Who's proud to be British here?

No one who's proud to be British will have left Britain. They're kind of huddled somewhere in Leicestershire. Just to make sure that the Romans have definitely left. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER To be fair, the fact of the day, the people were proud to be British, did a lot of leaving of Britain Or I guess a spreading of Britain Yes Helping other people to be equally proud to be British

But fundamentally, Brexit at the moment, we are fumbling around, it is We are essentially like some kind of drunken, horny teenage male Goldilocks sticking his penis into a series of different electrical sockets, until he finds the one that is either just right or soothingly fatal. Now of course, here in Australia, Tom, you also have a proud history of malt-treating visitors. I think you'll find that we also welcome people with open arms and have a wonderful time. I think, because you guys aren't too bad, your national dish is chicken-taken masala, right? Yes.

As opposed to our cultural dish, which is white bread and koon cheese. I think we're doing, your guys are doing okay comparatively. We do a thing, it's similar to Windruts Generation where we send Kiwis home. People will come here when their kids, New Zealanders, will come here as a kid, and they'll basically spend their entire life in Australia

and they'll happen to come into crime. And then when they come at a prison, we deport them immediately. We send them back to New Zealand, even though we made them into criminals. Those are bloody proud, dinky die, Australian criminals. We're exporting our best. It's like Barry Humphreys and Jamehry are all over again. I mean, I know they're criminals, but no one deserves to go to New Zealand people.

Two claps, I'll take it. And I don't think that the criminals that are surviving New Zealand, the Kiwi criminals, there's nothing there to steal. The whole economy is based on bungee jumping and friendship, you know? Over the past three years Australia has deported 1,0 Kiwis, and New Zealand has deported eight Australians. That is a trade deficit, have you ever seen one? A thousand Kiwis worth eight Australians. Yeah, it sounds about right.

So we're doing great, immigration wise, they do that's the update. And if you had about Peter Dutt now, I'm a fairs minister at his focus on white South African fathers. When will someone stand up for their rights? I speak against the grandson of a white South African father. But he was Jewish as well, so it balances out.

The scales of history. He's been out there saying that, you know, Australia's space paid special attention to the plight of white South African farmers. And this is very strange. Peter Dutton, taking an active interest in resettling refugees, is very weird. It's like Donald Trump having the interest in exercise. It's like James Bond, ordering a stirred martini.

LAUGHTER It's like, Bond, ordering a stirred martini. It's like... One more. Only one Tom, do not understand this job. You have to vlog this dead horse until it is on a Frenchman's place in a restaurant. It's like the band TLC suddenly becoming very pro scrubs. Do you see what I'm saying? Swerve it. Stop.

Stop. I won awards tonightly, 9pm! I think it's very nothing, because when you think of South Africa, you know, your first thought is, oh, the white people, you know, those poor. It's like when you think Africa, you know, your first thought is ah the white people You know those poor it's like when you think about the West Bank your first thought is gosh You must be noisy for those Israelis, isn't it? Are there any other aspects of my family heritage? I'm done. Oh good. Okay. There we go

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What the f*** am I doing with my life? Right, let's move on. We're going to move on now to a detail. Let's talk about the internet in India. Perhaps India's greatest invention. In India 2018, I mentioned the year because of the fact that the Chief Minister of the Indian State of Tripura, Bipalab Kumar Deb, I know everyone's like, how is she pronouncing that? While inaugurating a two-day workshop on the computerization of public distribution systems

claimed, internet and satellite communication had existed in the days of the Mahabharat. Mahabharat is the Hindu mythological text and the idea behind it was that there was a part of the Mahabharat where there was a war going on and there was a king sitting in like in his king chair or whatever and he had he had this guy next to him who was giving him live updates of the war. And so that proves that we clearly had internet. I'm like, unless he was live tweeting it, there is no chance that he knew anything. And this is, let me say this, maybe the internet did exist during ancient India. But as someone who is in the age of the internet,

currently ancient India does not exist right now. It's really sad to me that he said this at a workshop where they were computerizing public distribution systems. You know what I'm saying? It's so mean. It's so cruel that one of the one place where you're like, actually, this shit's been done. You're the go everyone.

Sorry to watch. Oh, and it's very weird also because for us to claim to have invented the internet is a bit bizarre because we've also had the highest number of internet shutdowns in the world in 2017. So I'm like, even if it was around during like ancient Indian war, it would probably be shut down during that time as well. India, I think, has the highest number of most things in the world.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of us. The number's already a solid. I think I think they did have the internet in India, but they just used it to look up the pharmaceutical. I think that was. You know, I've been with the first ones in history, who in the middle of sex were like, this is amazing.

Let's make notes. Like. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Well. Well. And. I I mean if you just like that's when they had doggie style I'm really struggling with sorry about that was not supposed to happen interrupting your Stone with your immature sound effects, Eddie and then he he's doing a joke, it's a joke about doggy style.

Oh, yeah. Just family show, just trying to sense it out. But I think if India did invent the internet in ancient history, it would explain... Oh no! Well, everyone wanted to hear that. Now stop it! Stop it! Listen.

Here it is. If, right, let's get back to the joke. If! I like, because our Prime Minister in 2014 said that you know plastic surgery was invented in ancient India because we have a story in mythology where there was a this guy cut off his own son's head and then I'm then wait for it and then attached an elephant's head to it and that's how we have our elephant gore or whatever. Happy birth, that's son. I didn't make me want. This is not attaching someone's head. A new is not plastic surgery.

That's some Frankenstein level shit. It's like new nose, new boobs. That's plastic surgery. But to be fair, it else is head is the ultimate nose job. Well said, well said. And look, I don't think plastic surgery existed in ancient India primarily because if it did, we would have all made ourselves white. We do not like us.

I did some research, Andy, and some other things from today were actually invented in the ancient world. When everyone stood up and was like, I'm Spartacus. No, I'm Spartacus. That was the invention of Facebook. Um. Um. Uh. Jet skis were invented when Jesus walked on water. And, uh, sorry to mention Jesus, I know it's a trigger for you.

Ending and, uh. What's all right, prominent turn of the first millennium Middle East based magician and racon, too. That's the what? LAUGHTER He was, he was the Middle East's first content creator. He went viral, yeah. And I guess the commandment are like a Buzzfeed listical guy, do they?

Yes. And when everyone was going out in Sodom and Gomorrah, that was the invention of Grindem. So, you know, these are facts. It's good to know, everyone. I thought Grindem was an app that put you in touch with really defensive opening batsmen. Oh, don't put your hands on it. I'm counting that as homophobia, okay?

I didn't understand it. Do not bring your sick lifestyle into my world, sir. How are we going to explain this to that children? What defensive batting was that? Yes. They've grown up in the age of the IPL ID. It's going to be very hard to understand. He's pre-naught out after an hour and a half,

but he's playing well. What, can you not understand about that? They said, the Education Minister of the State of Rajasthan said that cows breathe in oxygen and breathe out oxygen. And that is why they are like really holy. Which is the thing, I can't believe we're not worshipping outright oxygen tanks yet. But it just makes me so sad.

And the funny thing is after promoting all these random hoaxes as like you can strap a cow on your back and go diving and stuff like that. Um. Oh. Is that when shit goes down for them? Like the moment they have a scratch, they'll fly off to London to get medical help. I was like, this is unfair.

I'm drinking cow urine for my own urinary tract in fact, anyway. Um. This is not that kind of show-anxious. Stop it. Tom, do you want to talk about Anzac Day? Oh sure, yep, yep, that's where comedy lives. I don't think this has ever got an ABC presenter in trouble before. And Clench.

Super Outrage News now. Some folks are very outraged, Andy, that the film Avengers Infinity War is going to be released this Wednesday in Australian cinemas, which is, of course, Anzac Day. Anzac Day is a very Dave Solomon remembrance for us, of our fallen soldiers, also a Dave Solomon drinking, Solomon gambling, and the Solomon eating of delicious beckies. Now, I am also outraged that Infinity War is coming out on Anzac Day.

On Anzac Day, the only Infinity War I know would be thinking about is the Iraq War. So, oh, shit, shit joke, good point. Come on. Tonightly 9 p.m. Or catch up on I view. I think this is a disgrace to our soldiers, Andy. Right, thinking about Gallipoli, it was, you know,

it was a really dark and gritty battle. They're clearly bigger fans of the DC universe. And, uh... dark and gritty battle, they're clearly bigger fans of the DC universe. And... LAUGHTER Carl Steffan over, you work at Carl Steffan over, can't you be a bit of this filler? No. Brilliant. I'd like to get you a little bit. I've got a bad leg.

LAUGHTER He says that Brexit's television show he went to Australia called today. He was very furious, he went on a big rant on his saying, film traditionally in this country, open on a Thursday. Events cinemas bringing the release a day early smacks to me of a grubby cash grab. Here's Laura with a fantastic new offer from the Good People at Utribullet. And he said at this red, there's a direct quote from Carl Sado. He said, I love Thor, but let's remember and respect what Anzac Day is really for.

What poetry really isn't what it used to be, isn't it? I love Iron Man, but on Anzac Day, you should be crying, man. Reminds of the old, they all not grow old as we, the left grow old, because they're freaky mutant powers. I'm not sure about that one at all. And he said people should boycott the day. Like, boycotts are seeing infinity wars on Anzac Day and go to a dawn service instead. Which, unless they're doing dawn screenings of the film,

I think you'll be able to do fine. And maybe the big lesson is that Anzac Day, you know, needs to sort of step up to the competition like if they want to get young people excited, but nope. If they want to get young people invested in learning about fallen heroes, maybe they just got to work in a few more cool powers for some of our fallen heroes. It's that you're competing with aliens and a dude in an eye and suit. Like, what do the diggers got?

Mate ship and a donkey? You're not going to compete. Good night, everybody. He was never seen again. I thought they'd not do it the other way around where the Avengers balls up their campaign due to failing to coordinate their watches. What? Well, we fail to do any real good up their campaign due to failings, a coordinate, their watches. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER Well, we fail to do any real good quality avenging this film, but I blame Winston Churchill. LAUGHTER MUSIC MUSIC Let's introduce our third co-host of today's Pughal. We attempted to introduce him last week week and he didn't entirely work.

So let's hope for a better this week, all the way from the United States of America. Your friend and mine, as printed out, sell by sell on my 3D printer. Here is the fully functioning brain of American President Donald Trump. Yeah. Um. So amazing that you have that. You were considering, are we gonna bump him? Because we're right out of time. LAUGHTER Uh, anyway, Donald, are you all right? Hello, Andy.

Hello, hello, Donald. Um, you want to say hello to the audience? Hello, Budalvers. Hello, Budalvers. Yeah, that's nice. Um, right, here we go. Uh, so, Donald, it's great. He's lovely, have hello to the audience? Hello, B. Golders. Hello, B. Golders, yeah, that's nice. Right, here we go. So Donald's greatest lovely, happy on the show. It's my great honor to be the guest on the B. Gold.

Right, good. Sir, that's homogenous. I mean, it's not really your target demographic a podcast listening crowd. They will not like me at all. And that's okay. Okay. You've left the

liberal losers. OK, so I'm... So anyway, Donald, yes, Andy. I'm just, I think, time maybe to reflect on your first year or so in charge. What do you think your first year and a quarter will be most remembered for? The reforms that lower the freedom, choice, and opportunity for the American people. Alright, that's lovely. And what's the ultimate goal now of your first term in office? We must fire all Muslims into space.

Well, that's all starting to stack up now. And the recent bombings in Syria, there's been some claims that they were not in accordance with international law. Stupid fucking laws. You just don't like laws. They make my fucking life very, very difficult. That's been clear throughout your presidency. But what do you think, if there's one, maybe one thing to be more remembered for than

anything else so far, what would it be? The hands? Oh, the hands, yeah. My frankly disgusting hands. And what's your proudest achievement so far? We've made historic progress in crushing this spirit of the American public at a faster clip than ever before, by far. And you know, what are the other things that you think you'll be most of defined by at

the moment? Russia? Russia, yeah, anything else? Peep, peep. Okay. But if there was one thing so far that defining aspects of your presence, what would it be? Me being a total gravity-defying. Uranium level.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP Okay. Well, I'm just that honest. Anyway, that's a probably way for an American president to behave. I keep my campaign promises. Yeah, I guess you did a lay that card very firmly on the table. So, um, um, Donald, um, there's been many people have claimed that you're rather loose with the truth. Do you know a single fact?

Only one. One fact, and what is your one fact? Hello. What about Halloween? Is it, and could we like share your Halloween fact with the audience here in Australia? Did you know that Halloween began when Hillary Clinton turned a totally innocent little child into a very bad quality wooden desk. Hillary Clinton turned turned a child into a desk. Yes, yes, yes. All right, that definitely happened. To the best of my knowledge, yes.

So the best of your knowledge is very different to what actually happening, but and then what happened after that? She ate the whole fucking thing in one huge mouthful. Hillary Clinton ate the desk child. It was a horrible thing to watch. What? I don't doubt that for a second, but I mean at least I mean many people wish Hillary had been become president instead of you. I mean she had more experience of the international world

that you struggle with a bit. I mean, how you getting on with your neighbors in Canada right now? I don't know fucking anything about Canada. LAUGHTER Nothing at all. What is Canada? Is it a disease?

LAUGHTER Oh, it's not a disease. Or maybe a type of mortemite. That's not a type of motorbike either. Can I put my bag in its... No! You cannot put your cock in Canada as Johnny Cash famously sang. Yeah.

Is shame. Really a shame. So, we're... Oh, I thought... Okay, Tom, I think... Well, maybe just Tom, you can meet our co-hosts, Donald, firstly Tom Ballard here. Hello, Tom. And Tom's been doing his own, his own, you know, his satirical daily TV show here. Wow.

Yeah. So, quite patronising, Donald. Hard to believe. But I'm not sorry. So, um, so you know, you know, you know, you're not... You're not going to enjoy this for just imagine any practicing this in front of the mirror. So, you're not, you're not a fan of Tom's work. I like Tom.

You like Tom? I mean, we have a lot in common. You have a lot in common. Wow! Right, what do you have in common? Neither of us likes women. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE In our own different ways. Yes. LAUGHTER I hope you've got any questions for Donald? Yes, Mr. President. Mr. President, is it a pleasure to meet you? I was just wondering, you know, you've been very successful in politics having had no experience at all. You've become the president of the U.S. I just wanted to give any advice for people out there

when they want to get into politics themselves. It's a great question. Thank you. Simple, fair, and easy to understand. So what's your advice for people when it's getting into politics? All you have to do is just abandon your voice, your hopes, your dreams, and above all else, your values and principles. So I mean just to boil that down, what do you got to do? You must act like a complete master.

And uh, hang on, you couldn't get a cliff of it just saying bastard? And, uh, hang on, you couldn't get a clip of it just saying bastard? No. No, no, somebody else didn't know what, anyway, it was late and, uh, uh, uh, Donald, I know you're a massive fan of our other guest as well. A DC Middle! Did I prompt that right, by the way? No, I'm not sure you did pronounce it right. Have you got anything to say to a DT?

Do not under any circumstances attempt to move to America. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So... APPLAUSE Anyway. Well, this is my job. LAUGHTER

Now let's quickly move on to Donald. I know your massive cricket fan. Who's your favourite Australian Cricketer? Shane Warren. Shane Warren, alright, I'm just being here. He has a very strange face these days. He doesn't. He's had so, but he's not face-shame the greatest legs pinnacle of all time. And who was your favourite Australian Cricket commentator? Richie Peno. I don't know, he's had so, but he's had so. But he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he's had so, but he had so, but he had so, but he had so, but he's This is my nightmare. Donald Trump talking about cricket. What a catch.

Please, before we end with Donald, appreciate for my... Any final comments for the audience here? I've been apologizing on behalf of what I have done in the show. This is me lovely, it's been very nice. Dude, I look like I give age shit. I'm getting the car this guy. I'm not sure that colour flare is leaving alive. I take you to the absolute delight having you on the Beagle for the first time. And well, I hope you enjoyed Australia Do Come back on the show this time when I got used to using technology from after the typewriter.

Yeah, yeah, and I've been told by every dude that I encountered once I told them that I was doing the bugle. I just attracted an audience of like engineer nerd-cricketer dudes that I've never interacted with my life before. And the one thing that they told me to say on the podcast for sure was, F*** you, Chris. That is correct. Your initiation is now complete. Thanks for coming. Thanks for Tom. A DGMITAL, Tom Ballard, the KOTL-FAR brain of Donald Trump. Please give it up for Andy's ultimate!

And Bill Gates!