The Bugle - Bugle 4067 – Celebrate Forgery

Episode Date: May 5, 2018

Andy is with Anuvab Pal to discuss global cheating, forgery and misrepresentation – from Indian exams to Swedish meatballs.With@HelloBuglers@AnuvabPal@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, be euglers and welcome to issue 4,067 of an audio newspaper that is now outlived.

More than 99% of the chickens that were alive at the time of our first episode in 2007. Most of them without a lift by an extremely long way, take that your feathery nugget nerds, you've been owned. It is Friday, the 4th of May 2018, I am Andy Zoltzmann and I'm 43, the same age at which the world's oldest spider has just popped its eight clogs after being stung by a wasp yet more tragic creepy crawly on creepy crawly violence, but it means that I am now officially older than the oldest spider in the world. Shove that in your webs and wait for it to die before vomiting on it.

You excessively lived short, lived or act no losers. That's two species I've taken down. What a show this is. I'm in the UK very briefly in between New Zealand and the USA. I'm literally having a very long week. Extra 16 hours for me compared to most of you those just by the time I land in Atlanta tomorrow, ahead of the start of the Radiotopia Live Torch begins on Monday. That is just a kind of guy I am. I've literally lived 9.5% more than the average human being this week. What a guy.

Joining me this week back in London, the bugles official correspondent for the Asian continent, past, present, and future. Representing the, how many billion people live in Asia these days, anyone? Four billion? Four, four, yeah, we've got, it's got five. Yeah, we've got, we've got two thirds of the world. Yeah, anyway, well, it is Anuva Pal,

you're representing that two thirds of humanity. Welcome back. That's correct, I feel, I feel I'm capable of representing that many people. I think for that many people what you really need is one person. This is the simplest one. Anything else just gets complicated. So you've been back in in London doing your show at Soho Theatre and we are recording a radio show on the 23rd of May called Empire, the backyard comedy clubs that do come along, Beagloss, if you want to see us discussing

Empire and architecture essentially. Apparently, yeah, apparently, something had happened 20 years ago. Some of you had come over. Yes, just to have a look. Yeah, maybe just you, Andy, just you've been around for a while. I've been around at the time.

Yeah. But we'd be studying buildings built on loot from Empire on board sites. Right. Yeah. So some of us that got rich. Yeah. And some people hear the got rich.

Yes. And stayed rich. For what? The nation stayed rich essentially ever since. So thank you. Yes, we're very, very grateful. The turnleases are reflected in our government's policy towards Indian students being politely told to write off. So what have you particularly enjoyed about

your your trip to Britain this time? Britain and it very interesting you know I am dealing with certain things that I'm unfamiliar with British politics. Right. You know I'm learning things about British politics when someone says excuse me I have a slight issue. Right. It could, I'm learning things about British politesse when someone says excuse me. I have a slight issue Right, it could mean I've murdered their whole family Understatement is one of our great national characters. I love that. I love that Yeah, because if someone in India came up and said you murdered my whole family It means that they have a slight issue with something It's the reverse right It's hyperbole,

where I live. Also, I'm in country for the first time that you have a very lively drinking culture. Oh yes. This is your first full encounter with that. Yes. And it is not often that I see, you know, lots of partly financial executives on a Friday evening stumble out of pubs, as you call them, just wrecked as humans. I saw one individual in Charing Cross. I was walking on Charing Cross. And you know, as a foreigner, I like observing foreign cities. And he was a rather portally gentleman, like something straight out of a PG Woodhouse story. And he was drunk of his mind. And he missed his bus and his cheeks were red

and he was standing in front of the Lyceum Theatre that has the Lion King going on and there's a massive poster of Mufasa the Lion and he was growling at this poster and I thought to myself this is Britain, Britain that I have known as the ruler of the whole world, Pax Britannica, two thirds of the planet, the sun never sat. The sun never sat on the empire either. The sun never sat on the empire either. And you know, regular derogyne, there used to say in Latin, the rule of the queen of the world, this empire is reduced to this one portly man called Gus shouting at the post-urfing African lad.

Right. That's very much a one man metaphor for the decline in fall of the British Empire. When when Gibbon wrote about the decline in fall of the Roman Empire, it took him about 30 volumes, didn't it? Chris, how many volumes does Gibbon's decline in fall of the Roman Empire? Give me two sex. Chris, I was kind of in for you should have at your fingertips at all times. If not all the volumes in front of them. Six volumes. Six volumes.

Six. Six, not 30. No, 30 if you rip each of those six into five separate bits. But all of that for the Romans is reduced to your saying, one gentleman shouting at a person, yeah, making lion noises. He was growling. Yeah. Edward Gibbon from the photo, sorry, the painting on his Wikipedia page does look like how you just described that gentleman. Maybe it's Edward Gibbon, yeah. Well, I mean, it could be, yeah, the reincarnated soul of Edward Gibbon. Now, I mean, it's Edward Gibbon, yeah. Well, I mean, you could be, yeah, the reincarnated soul of Edward Gibbon.

Now, I mean, it's just symptomatic of the way we want instant results now in the 21st century. You know, if Gibbon was around today, when I've written these six volumes and now how many countless, thousands and thousands of words, it have just, it have just, you know, barked at a poster and put out a tweet saying, yeah, it all went to shit with her own because I started drinking lead or something. It's succinct. Yes, it's that progress. Yes, I think so. I mean you know at one point and you ruled everything from Cairo to the Levant, the Cairo is in the Levant. Yeah, everything but what depends which way you go around the world. If you head west

from Cairo, then that's very clear. Yeah, correct. And you had all from Coyote, then that's very easy. Correct. Correct. And you had all that, you know, the whole world, and now you have a man shouting at a lion. Yeah, we've still got Gibraltar. You do have that. Yeah, I mean, we've still got the em, and the Faulklands, and a lot of penguins. So, you know, we're on the comeback trail with Brexit. Are you familiar with Hexit? Hexit. So I only discovered it this week with local elections.

There is a London barricold havering, which unlike most of London is quiet, right leaning, very pro-Brexit, and they have a movement to secede from London and become part of Essex. Really? For the little animal of your nation, right? It's not geographically very large.

Correct. And within your United Kingdoms, you already have three or four different kingdoms. You have Wales, you have Scotland, you have... Yes. So all that's left is for tiny provinces to succeed. Yeah. And so there are more things you add to your flag. Yeah, I mean, that is going to become complicated, isn't it?

I mean, you look at the American flag, it's an absolute mess, isn't it? Or, it starts and strikes, I think, well, see, so we're all going. So, yeah, I mean, I think fundamentally, what Britain truly wants to be, and we're going to get onto this later, the famous old saying in Englishman's home is his castle.

Correct. So, essentially, that means that we all want to be our own independent state. So, basically, we all need a flag with, I don't have any different families that are in Britain, 20 million. Yeah. Is that a pun? Yeah. 20 million tiny little pixels on it, each representing each independent constituent nation of the United Kingdom. And you know now that you're such a cosmopolitan nation, if everyone has their quarter of arms, it'd be fabulous. I would love to see the Patel family quarter of arms. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha by your home from prayerness because it just seems like that British people love redoing homes.

Yes. They move into a home and they immediately start getting uncomfortable. Right. And TV presenter shows up and says, why don't you break down this wall? And it seems like you also go into really ancient and medieval things like you'll find it as an old church and then pitch that as a home to someone. Yeah. Like you're one step away from going to the stone hench with a bunch of home buyers and saying, imagine this with a flat screen TV, a roof. Yeah, there seems to be a continuous home discomfort with being settled in one's home. Well, I mean, I think that also might explain some of the Imperial history that we've been discussing earlier on and which we used to turn up and try and improve other people's homes on their behalf very generously.

Yes, I mean, it is say it does I think now there are home improvement programs on British television now approximately 8,000 hours a week If you include all channels. And to mark this, we have a special bugle, home, unimprovement section. Looking at how, well because moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do in life, along with divorce, bereavement, presidency, invading Russia during winter, watching a particularly closely fought test match, or reading below the line comments under an article about immigration. And it is right up there with all of those things. So really you want to avoid it rather than do it. So we have some very handy tips now to reduce

your chances of having to move house. And the simplest way of doing this is by rendering your own property completely unsalable. And we're not talking about easy cosmetic stuff like a pile of use syringes on the front lawn or a mural of Mussolini in Fla Grande with a Kawasaki motor bike on the front wall of the house. No, we're talking about genuine value destroying modifications that will render your property of significantly reduced financial value, including the ceiling seller or sealer. Why dig down when you can hang up? Suspend a stone walled wine seller from the ceiling in your living room, keeps your wine at a well regulated temperature. Also means

that your living room ceiling is now at effectively waste height, so you now have to crawl to your sofa or it will become known the crouch couch. And there are some modifications you can make, some new accessories you can get for your house. No man's landing. Spice up the landing of your house, so traditionally over look part of your upstairs. By transforming it into a first world war themed no man's landing. Replete with barbed wire, clagging mud and the ever present threat of death. It really helps you appreciate the sacrifice made by your forebears as you attempt to struggle to the bathroom for a tingle in the mid of the night

without getting snagged on the wire or stuck in the three feet of swamp-like filth. Comes complete with optional robot sniper, suggested accessory, wipe clean carpets for the rest of your house. Also the Jacuzziu, which is the new luxury home accessory, a hot-bubbling bath pool with rare wild animals in it. Guaranteed talking points at parties, also educational, as it can teach your children very, very quickly and extremely graphically about how Mother Nature's food chain works. But, you know, Jakuzu in your house, that's going to put off potential buyers. Anyway, the point is, might your house worth less and the temptation to sell significantly

removed? I think, and even that house, given your housing market, will probably sell for a million yards. Yeah. Support for the Buble is brought to you by Simply Safe, Home Security Dunright, which is incredibly frustrating for me, having spent most of the last 10 years as a secret cat burglar. I have a lot of cats. I mean, it's a really bad line of burglaries to get into.

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And four, it's cheap and contract free, which is putting me out of business fast. Learn more about how simply safe can help protect your home and your cat. Go to simplysafe.com slash bugle. That is simplysafe.com slash bugle. Top story this week, cheating news, and there has been some glorious cheating in Indian education. Now, it is a highly competitive country. It's doubled in population size in what, 30 years? Yes. But fundamentally during the course of the cricketing career

of Satjin Tendolka, one of the greatest cricketers of all time, the population of India doubled, more than doubled, in fact. Correct. Suggest that his batting really gave India the whole good god year and who complained the purity of those drives. Whatever more do it, you know, go exactly. Yeah, I mean can blame the purity of those drives. Whatever motivates you. Go exactly, yeah, I mean, it's, I think it makes him, I mean, just scientifically, you can preview

as the sexiest cricket ever based on the number of new human beings that he has generated. Correct, correct. He's literally the father of the nation. So, anyway, the point is, it's a competitive country to get ahead. People will do anything and particularly at school. I think there is some heroic levels of cheating in Indian education. Correct Andy. And I think you're specifically referring to an incident

in a particular part of India where some students decided to staple some currency notes to their answer papers as a means of connecting with their examiner. Yes, and Andy, I seem to have a small moral issue with this, whereas I You know where I'm from, you know, there is no way to stand out among 5,000 examinies. Yeahies by just your answers. No, right? No, that's fair. So I think some ingenious students,

and this is why entrepreneurship is thriving so well where I'm from, decided to put like a 500 or maybe 1000 or be not, staple it along with the poem and a joke, because you may go to jail for that end day, but you will admit the examiner will remember you. It was, it got to make an impression. I mean,iner will remember you. It depends what the exam is in. If you're writing an essay on the ethics of corporate taxation, that is possibly top marks, isn't it?

Just a basic bribery. Correct. In that case, it's not even brave. It's evidence. It's like a chemistry lab in Smybriot attaching it. Andy, do you not have that in your culture? like I know you have Oxford, Cambridge, entrance exams. Do people... Well, we do it in a more subtle British way,

in that we pay tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousand pounds for our children's education. And it has essentially exactly the same. You know, if we just stapled all those back notes, and I've benefited from this, it might be anyone to our exam paper, it would be a more open and honest way of showing how we do education in this country. That's my question, Andy. I mean, would is it inappropriate, you think, if you're answering

the thing on Macbeth, you know, and you write your thing and you know that you're an idiot and you're answer, sorry, Anders, would in a property in your culture to steeper, say, a £500 pound note in 20s? Right. And put it in the purse rather than a £500 note, which might not look particularly authentic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like I said, you know, we live in a transactional economy. Everything has its, has its right. And also bribery is, I mean, let's not get away from this. It's a valuable life skill. Thank you. You know, from everyday simple bribes, like slipping someone £2.50 over the counter in exchange

for a surreptitious cup of coffee, no questions asked. Yeah. Apart from the question, do you want a muffin with that? No. No, I don't. If I wanted a muffin, I would have asked for a muffin. To write out the scale to major bribes, such disgust, corporate taxation or the entire lobbying industry. These are valuable life skills that children need to learn again on top of.

I've always been impressed by cultures, Andy, when you bribe stuff, things got done. One of the difficulties in the culture I live in is when you take away bribery, nothing gets done. Because that would just be expecting the individual to do their job for the salary they're getting. Right. That makes it a very boring world, Andy. Yes. I cannot function in a system where there is not

a parallel system. So I don't know about your culture, but I suppose your students write the answers and then hope to get in. Well, yes, I mean, we're not averse to the odd bit of cheating ourselves. And that was a story this week about you, kind of prominent YouTubers, which is, you know,

people who apparently earn huge amounts of money from advising children to cheat in their exams, apparently. So, yeah, which is just, each culture has its own different way of doing it. It was interesting as well that writing poems to examiners was a rather more kind of romantic way of going about this appealing to their soul and their heart rather than their wallet. I guess it, I mean, it again depends on what exactly you're writing, you know, what you're exactly you're writing in that poem. Yeah, some of them were romantic. And they some of them. So and but some combined they had the poem they had some jokes. So they wanted to

show the range of talents. Yeah. So they did not know what a differential equation was. Yeah. But they're like, you know, here's a numeric. There was a man from a dress with full of dress. Here's a thousand rupees. Yeah. Yeah. And here's a joke. You know, 12 people walk to do a bar. And so I'm saying, isn't an examination. The point of it is to show a range of who you are as a human being. And also, I mean, again, I mean, this, what you've just said shows the, on the issues in just facing in terms of overpopulation that generally here, it's a man walks into a bar and you've gone with 12 men walking to a bar. Right there. Right there. It's, it's, it's, it's a man walked into a bar and you've gone with 12 men walk into a bar. Right there. Right there. It's clearly clearly clearly. That's the mum by version.

Going a bar's a larger, they have Italian names and you 12 people walk in right there. Everything is bigger, Andy. And I think this is our kick system, honestly, of ethical exam taking. I think that it's boring for the examiners as well. Well, it is, and also, I mean, you look at the future, what skills are our children going to need. Everything's going to be done by robots, by computers, you know, knowledge, no one can possibly be as knowledgeable as a,

even a medium-sized memory chip these days. So, teach them the skills they will need. They're going to need mental flexibility. They're going to need, you know, as you say, bribery. Correct. And most importantly, the element of surprise. Yeah. Because say if you're a GCSE examiner, you open a paper, assume it's still done on paper. Yeah. Everybody else has just answers. Right. This guy's put in a small marsupial. You have the answer. You have full attention. Full attention, Eddie.

And that's what we're exploring, Eddie. This is why we are the future of the world. We're exploring things that you've traditionally introduced to us, like exams in the English language. And playing with it. They're hoping that perhaps the examiner is a lonely, pathetic, underpaid individual in a small town, not the British. And for a second, there'd be some glimmer of love from an 18-year-old boy.

It's very Plato actually. It's very sort of, for a second, it's like, oh. It's not very old to find so many positives in this story. I'm impressed. We're building a better world. I think the first dig off their clothes, put them in prison, failed them. I think that's the way to go. In other sort of related cheating news, a museum in France devoted to the little-known artist ETN Terousse, who lived from 1857 to 1922, has reopened after an extensive refurbishment

22, has reopened after an extensive refurbishment and having discovered that 82 out of the 140 works of art by Etienne Terouze that it possessed in its world leading Etienne Terouze collection were in fact fake, there were forgeries. I mean, it's suggest at the art forging industry is not at its best. I mean, why bother with Etienne Tillerus when he could be forging Van Gaeoff or Monet and earning the big bucks? And I realize here in Britain, we're not necessarily, don't have too many museum legs to stand on

in terms of fake museums. I went to the British Museum recently and there was literally almost nothing British in there at all. I also went to the Museum of Forgery and I just didn't know whether or not to trust what I was seeing in it. But it's a wonderful effort from the people of southern France to bother faking so many pictures by this relatively little unartist. Correct. So I guess it was not my ATM, whatever's probably done by a person called Jeff, who lives somewhere.

And here's the thing though, again, here in the West, there's a lot of focus on genuine things being genuine. Yeah. Where I'm from, Andy, copying is an art. You're right. So if you can create a counterfeit that's as beautiful as the thing,

it's almost more valued when I'm from than the original piece of work. In fact, many original artists have died penniless. Are we do the same thing with medicines? Some western country will come up with some rubbish formula after spending 30, 40 years researching. Anyone can do that. But we make millions of them for four rupees. Now, what is the real art?

The real art is in the copying ending and I think that I'm disappointed in the museum that they're not celebrating the forger. All right, so they should have chucked out the 58 real pictures. Yeah, maybe the forger's done a better job. So the original Etihad is just some rubbish human who just came up with the original thought. But now the original thought is what is the value of original thought? Yeah, you know, we're getting very philosophical now. I bought a in my local charity shop, I bought a saizan picture for £10. Good it. And it's so great. It looked, you know, reasonably decent quality to my untrained eye. I sent £10 on the picture and I thought well just in case. You do very occasionally

hear these stories out people buying some of your're too quick in selling it for £300 billion later when it turns out that Andy Warhol put his cock on it or something in the 1960s. So I spent £10 on the picture and then £20 having it valued by an online art tab you ask your website who confirmed that it was in fact not an original say that as suspected but I thought I couldn't put yeah I kind of have it on on our wallet at home yeah without nagging about well could it you know yeah now you know confidently they do a down 27 pounds and you have a fake on your one I think that but also like original stuff shows up going back to the housing thing didn't you guys have something where

someone was digging their lawn and they found Richard the third? Ah, it was a car park in Leicester. Right, yeah, they found, yeah, a king no longer in working order, Federer say, after he copped 100% negative injuries at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485. And he was discovered, rather ineligently clunked to pieces in underneath a car park.

Right, in the home improvement effort, I think. Right, yeah, I forget that detail. Yeah, but then they found it was the authentic Richard III. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't. It wasn't. It was a genuine, it wasn't an imitation of Richard III. Yeah.

Yeah, which was great and it's probably the most exciting thing that's happened in Leicester in, I don't know, 50,000 years or I think other than, of course, the money that the Premier League football title. But it was interesting, actually, that's, they found the body of Richard III and then just a few short years later against the odds won the Premier League. So that just shows how amazing the British Royal family is. And also I'm fascinated by the historians and the archaeologists who's job it is to confirm that is indeed Richard III. They say that they have all this sonar technology now.

I wonder what they do. Because what Richard III things are around to prove that was the guy. I don't know how they did it. If Chris Kimmer, they was it DNA. They were able to identify that the body was from the exact time. Yeah. So and then they also had a DNA test. So they could check that it was definitely of his bloodline. And that it died at the time they thought he died.

So like, it's not 100% him, it's just probably him. Right, yeah. Because they couldn't do what American cram shores do, which is have him lie on a table in a forensic thing, bringing relatives, remove the cloth and just ask if it's him. Right. They did also find a receipt in his pocket

for exchanging one kingdom for one horse. They did also find a receipt in his pocket for exchanging one kingdom for one horse A bill of leading This is a little a little Shakespeare joke for any fans of the Bard But Andy in the 1400s it wasn't a car park then was it I don't believe so if it was it was a money a car park then, was it? I don't believe so. If it was, it was a money losing car park. It was, I mean, there was always space in it to be fair, but... I mean, Leicester's always been a car park in the back. Thank you, thank you for that, Chris. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa to the Swedish faking one of their national dishes. Yes. The Swedish government has admitted that Swedish meatballs do in fact go back to a recipe brought back by the Swedish King Charles XII from Turkey 300 years ago in the early 18th century.

So the Swedish meatball is a fake, it is a cheat, it's a cheating dish. They nicked it from Turkey in the early 1700s. And one of the things I hate about Scandinavian's ending. Oh, right. Well, it's going out of an interesting group. What? Things that dislike about Scandinavian ending. Apart from their wildly successful economy and their high standard of living and their

free education, national happiness ratings. Yes. What else? Apart from that, it's like a Monty Python. Is there this desire to not lie? Right. Because they actually, it's just a horrible thing because they actually went in and said we would confess and say that Swedish meatballs came to us because Charles the 12th,

one of the apparent kings went to Turkey, ate it, brought it back. And then essentially, all these years later, someone in the health ministry, for no apparent reason, was not comfortable with just living with the lie, which to me is incomprehensible where I'm from. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, for the longest time, if you guys had still been around for another hundred years, we would have claimed the beef Wellington as ours. Well, we climb the chicken. The chicken, take a Missourler. As yours, yeah. As you should. As you should. Yeah. I mean, it is all, isn't it? Certainly, well, I mean, as I think we've probably discussed only before, Britain as a nation does not always

confront its historic bloopers or apologize for little procedural glitches that may have resulted in the starvation of millions of people or the pilfering of large diamonds. Tiny bureaucracy. So, yeah, I mean, Sweden is sharing too much. Too much. Who wanted to know? We knew them as Swedish means, but now, is it going to be Istanbul meatballs? Right. And but knowing the Swedish, they'll probably pay reparations for it.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, they'll, I don't know what the Swedish national dish is, but they'll probably send over tons of it over to Ankara. Yeah. And why do that? Why be, which is why I love this press release, because in the Guardian, it said, the Swedish government came out and revealed this abruptly and for no immediate apparent reason. Yeah, again, well, that's, again, testament maybe to a country where they're just not enough important things happening. But the government ends up, all right, right, what's next on the agenda? We appear to be economically pretty stable. Yeah, I mean, there's a few little things here and there

related to immigration inequality, whatever, but nothing, we can't just back to one side. It's a consumer-driven economy. Oh, so let's apologise for a 300-year-old meatball recipe. Correct. Correct. Correct. And I think there was a Swedish person who said something like, I don't know how I can live with myself.

Yes, there was a tweet saying, my whole life has been alive. Yeah. Yeah. Andy. There's always hidden victims in these things. When there's a Mumbai monsoon, we were trying to do a podcast. Yes.

And there was a chance of essentially the entire studio being flooded and us drowning. That's when you say I don't think I can live with myself because I think the natural elements are against me. Not when, not when you have something like this, when you just found out that the meatballs that will always be there may have originated in the Orient. It's a tough time for Sweden. All our thoughts are with our Swedish bugle as they come to terms with this shocking revelation. Britain news now and we've had a bit of a political upheaval here. Now I've been in New Zealand in the last week. I've just flown back yesterday and I'm flying out to America tomorrow.

So I've not entirely kept on top of this story, but Amber had our home secretary resigned after it became clear that she hadn't been as 110% truthful as we want our politicians to be and she came she didn't she wasn't aware of any immigration targets despite having told the Prime Minister herself of her intention to increase deportations by 10%. So I guess it's a semantic thing when does an intention become a target? I mean this could be dragged through the courts for years. I mean I guess it also shows the danger of setting specific numerical targets. And it would have been far better for Amber, I'd just have said a vague, thematic target of making Britain a full, heartless shit of a nation. And that is much more measurable in many ways and achievable. And she was going very much the right way about it, as we were, as discussed in the live bugle in Melbourne sending British people back

not home. Yes, it was so yes, it was so. But I have a question, Andy. Everyone has targets, people who did jobs have targets and this lady had a target to achieve certain numbers. And yes, it may have been better if a target said some people should leave at some point in just. Yeah, but keep it specific. Yeah, you know, but she had numbers to achieve, right? Could you, I don't know much about your system of government, but could you, for example, have done it like, you know, when you overbook an airline seat? Yeah. So clearly the home office feels there are too many people

in Britain, right? And they needed to achieve a certain number. Could they go out to the public and say, right, if you want to give up your seat? And do you think some of your people would be willing? I mean, I don't just imagine. Well, I mean, quite a lot of people have already got off to Spain and I am certain form of podcast is jump ship and move to America. So I mean, it's, you know, it's possible some compensation like a tiny amount like see 600 pounds and a voucher from top shop. Yeah, you know something specific, you know, then I mean that would be an absolute stampede

Everything they're putting for that. I think We are motivated by money as proved by for example every single election campaign. We've had it in the last 25 years and more It's Also there has been now the government has apologized for what it has done to in the Windrush case, people who have been living here for decades and decades. Apologies a little bit belated, given it was something that it would have been so easy not to do, you know, just to conduct yourself with a basic level of decorum and humanity as a government. It's like saying sorry after baking someone's pet cat into their birthday cake. It should never have reached that point. Right. Apology is too little, too light. And I have a question about Andy and it was similar to when we're talking about Brexit

as well. It seems like your government tries to take a thing that's not, no one's being attention to or is not broken. Yes. And then somehow break it. Yes, yes. Well, we've done that with electoral fraud as well. They've, in the local elections this week, which resulted in not much major significance happening. Both parties did OK after a fierce campaign

and was fiercely fought within the parties as the Conservatives attacked the Conservatives and Labour attack Labour fundamentally. Yeah, basically a boxing match in which both fighters stood in opposite corner, punching themselves in the balls, isn't democracy fun. That's our parliament. So, yeah, so they're two deal with the almost non-existent problem of electoral fraud in this country. They start making people turn up with official ID and a lot of people who didn't have this were older people who then turned away from the polling station. We have the turnout in our local elections. It's generally about 30%. And if you turn up, trying to vote in a local election and then are not allowed to, this is insanity.

If you turn up, you should automatically be allowed to vote as often as you want, just for showing the commitment to be asked. Yeah, one vote for anyone. And ElectroFod was not a big thing in your country. Almost negligible. And I think this is a sad indictment of our culture. Because to vote in the general election here, basically you just need to turn up and they

have a list of everyone's name and you've got a polling card but you don't need to take it with you, you can just like say who they say who are you and they cross your name off and you could basically just say, anyway you just point on LC from number 34 and Electro4 in the time he would have been a piece of cake and we haven't bothered with it even with with his, I mean, do you not even care about our politics enough? Second, basic entry level fraud. What kind of nation are we? Correct. Someone, you know, let me give you a small anecdote from a culture where we thrived on electoral fraud. Yeah. Um, now, of course, they have electronic voting machines. So very, the whole, it's

very disappointing because, but when I was growing up in the 80s in Calcutta, I showed up to vote in my local municipal election and I met a local thug outside the polling booth and he said, oh yeah, he looked at my name and he said, oh you voted and I said who voted for me and the thug said, I did. But it's clear something got done. Yeah, yeah. And, uh, it's clear something got done. Yeah, yeah. And and just so commitment. Yeah, and I signed my name and he was there was sort of a veiled thread because he was a big guy. Yeah. And he'd done it. And I asked him

who did I vote for. Yeah. And he told me who I voted for. And that's properly done. Now that's the thing. Now that's not a problem in your country apparently. Yeah, no, no, we can't be bothered. And leading British political party, emailed the Bugle email address this week, asking us to cast our votes. Right. But I dressed as dickwards. Now, if you showed up to vote, you'd have to prove some ID that you were Mr. Dickwad.

Or that you were a dickwad. Yeah. I mean, that comes easy for some of us. You can. I mean, clearly, there is a flip side to of this in this era of the hostile environment and the new home secretary, Sadie Jove, who's the son of immigrants himself, has pledged to end this whole idea of a hostile environment. We'll see how that pans out.

But fundamentally, what the great mistake made by the people who the victims of this heartless policy was that they were not Russian oligarchs. And if they had only taken the trouble not to be people who came from the Caribbean in the 1940s, 50s and 60s, but being dodgy billionaires from Siberia who'd stolen their nation's mineral wealth, they would have been fine. BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUMBING BUM Bugle live shows. Yes. Around the world over the next few months. Thanks enormously to everyone who came to see my solo shows and the live Bugle shows on my Southern Hemisphere tour. It was a lot of fun for me and I do hope you as well if you're in the audience back next year all being well.

But now is the quiz on the fourth coming Bugle live shows. Question one. Bugle will shortly be embarking on a three-city USA tour. This is after the sixth date radio topia tour which begins on Monday the 7th of May, to which a new date in Brooklyn on the 10th May has been added all details at radiotopia.fm-slash-live. Following the radio topia tour, the Bugle will have three live shows featuring the all-cibling brother and sister pair of Andy and Helen Zoltzman, plus via video link from across the Pacific

Alice Fraser who is not related to either me or my sister your question is Three of the following four American sports franchises are fictitious one is real the three fictitious ones are from the cities that is that are about to host the Bugle Live. The real one is not. So spot the three fictitious franchises and you'll know where we'll be doing Bugle Live shows. The four franchises are one, the Dallas Cowboys, two, the San Francisco Schnitzel flagellators, three, the Portland Mi'Aos, and four, the Seattle STDs. The Dallas Cowboys sounds like a lion, do you know if this is high like a team at all?

Well, you're wrong, in fact, pens down for Question 1. San Francisco, on the 15th of May, Portland on the 17th, Seattle on the 19th. Question 2, the Bugle Live will be taking part in two of the following six festivals this coming August. Which ones your options for the six festivals are? Yes, Andy. The Junior Hells Angels Vroom Vroom Caboom Fest 2018. The Edinburgh Fringe Festival, with dates on the 15th and 22nd of August. The Baffin Islands Summer Festival of Nocturnal Tropical Wildlife,

hopefully will have fewer fatalities than last year's version. Russia Shanna, or the End of the Road Music Festival at the Larmatory, with a Google Live show late on the Friday night, which I believe is the 31st, with Alice Fraser, Alice and I will also be doing stand-up sets at the, on the comedy stage at the festival. Of course, well it's Eddie, I mean, it pens down, Eddie and the end of the road, Rossis on it is in September, not in August. He's he don't need to be a rocket. Thanks, but a rocket. Friday night, I'm using festival. Yeah, it's about midnight as well. It's going to be a absolutely prime podcast

territory. Too come along if you're at the end of the road. Too accompanying music. The bugle is doing two live shows at London's Atabelli. Later this summer, they'll be taking place on which two of the following three celebrities beginning with Jay's birthday. A, John Maynard Cain's celebrity economist, B, Jesus Christ alleged Messiah and C, American pop songstress Jessica Simpson. Well, I mean, I'm sure you know their birthday. Don't you? I mean, memorised. I thought Jay Z would be on this list as well.

That was not Jesus Christ, of course, famously born 25th of December. Everyone knows that. John Maynard came to 5th of June, Jessica Simpson, the 10th of July. Thank you, Wikipedia. For one of these, those Keens and Simpson, Bugle Dakes on the 5th and of June on the 10th of July, also a satirist for higher World Cup special on the 5th of July. Come to that too.

And finally, the final of these questions. Question 4. The bugle is taking a show to the Lowry Centre in Sofford in October. Sadly, L.S. Lowry, the artist of the Whom the Centre is named, will be unable to be a special guest at the show on the 7th of that month, as he sadly died in the year 1976 at the age of 88. But if he was able to be a guest on that show, what would he probably spend the entire show doing? A, puns about factories, chimneys and urban life?

Oh no. B, painting pictures of stick people going about their daily business in an industrial landscape. C, an oddly dispassion at StripTees or D, the kind of up to the minute's a terrible commentary on which this podcast exclusively deals. Well, see obviously. You know, you get a vision of your future and it's not great. And the answer is B, he would just paint as he's stick. Anyway, if you've got the answers to any or all of those questions right, you have won the right to buy a ticket at face value to any of those shows, particularly the ones

forthcoming in America. The radio topia live tour starts on Monday in Atlanta, 7th of May, then Durham, Washington, D.C. Brooklyn on the 8th, 9th, and 10th New York City on the 12th, Boston on the 13th. Then the Bugle Live is in San Francisco on the 15th, Portland on the 17th, Seattle on the 12th Boston on the 13th. Then the Bugle Live is in San Francisco on the 15th, Portland on the 17th, Seattle on the 19th, and the rest, all details are on the website now, Chris,

is that correct? TheBuglePodcast.com, click on the live link. I made it. We are joining the 20th century, the late 20th century at last. Annie Vabbitch, we'd like to have you on, do come and see, radio recording on the 23rd of May, in the back yard comedy club in Bethnal Green.

Where we celebrate the deceit and treachery of Empire. Yeah, I mean, it's a celebrate. On Bullseys. Yeah, on Bullseys. Thanks very much for coming. Beugles, thank you for listening. Until next time, goodbye.