The Bugle - Bugle 4068 – Megotiations

Episode Date: May 21, 2018

Andy, Alice and Helen deliver the 1st ever live Bugles from Portland and San Francisco. Complete with midi jingles (thanks Martin), Trump news, Royal wedding and at least one audience member better on Wikipedia than Andy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugles, and welcome to Bugal Issue 4,068 covering the inaugural Bugal Live tour of the United States, the first of hopefully many thousands such tours over coming years. Over the past week, we've done shows in San Francisco, Portland and Seattle, and you're about to hear the choices mortals from all three of those shows, apart from the Seattle world which happens just a little bit too late to make the cut. Thanks to all those who came along to those shows. They feature me, my sister Helen, guest on stage Chris, Martin Orstwick, who may be related to me by marriage, and by the wonders of the internet, the wonderful Alice Fraser in either Tokyo and or London depending on where she was at the time.

I do hope you enjoy the shows, and don't forget there are many more bugle live shows coming up over the next few months to check out the website for details. In the meantime, strap in, let's head to the state side. The view of the audio newspaper for a visual event. Hello, Sam Francisco. Correct response. I do hope you're more specific than that when you go to see the doctor. How are you feeling? Boom.

So welcome. This is very exciting. We're here at Cubs to do a live bugle show, the first live bugle show here in America. Has anyone beat to a live bugle show anywhere else? Yeah, one of you. Great. Spreading the global gospel, there will be some breaking news, I have a tablet here. This is a high tech show.

We are pushing the boundaries of my minimal technological capabilities tonight. I do not even enjoy it. This is the first time that the Bugle has ever taken place live on the Americas, super little pair of continents you got here. Also, the first time the Bugle has ever taken place in California Easily my favorite caliphate Just seems so much more relaxed than the other ones. I don't know how you do it. Maybe you could spread the word of it And also, the first time ever that the bugle has taken place in the vicinity of a major tectonic fault. San Andres, of course, the patron saint of unnecessary wobbling. So bearing in mind that we are so close to a major tectonic fault and the history of this place, please could you keep your levels of sinful behaviour and unrighteous thought to

a reasonable minimum. So we can hopefully get through this show without incurring the rightful vengeance of an insulted Lord. So because he got a bit stroppy last night, understand there was an earthquake last night. Yes, which was what 3.5, 3.6 on the Richter scale, which I'll just check my divine punishment chart for what level of sin could have provoked a 3.5 Richter scale earthquake. Well, someone could have illegally streamed a new episode of a hit TV show. That level of sin like Celebrity's Stockholm Syndrome or the new Mussy series CSI Overlófis. We are here today in Oregon, the state named one single cheer for Oregon.

The state, of course, named after the shape of a hipster's beard. The Oregon. Go it is today, Tuesday, the 15th of May 2018. So you there are cheering the 132nd anniversary of the death of Emily Dickinson in 1886. You're glad she's dead from that response, bit misogynistic. Also, it is the 480 second anniversary of the day that English King and rough breakup specialist Henry VIII swiped down on his second wife Ann Bolin. She was a man ahead of his time. Anyway, sent in to the death on this day in 1536, much to your evident delight San

Francisco. Or perhaps you were cheering the 766th anniversary of the issuing of a papal bull by Pope Innocence the sforth authorizing the torture of heretics, which again you say you're fine with this, you off, sorry? Oh wow, my goodness me, I don't know if you heard this, he said we're also limiting the torture of heretics. Now to be honest, I don't know if you heard this. He said, we're also limiting the torture of heretics. Now, to be honest, I don't know if you are aware of the way I research the historical facts in the view of it. It is very much a first paragraph of wiki pedial level of research.

And I'm not usually relying on someone having an intricate knowledge of the fact that a papal bull from the 13th century not only allowed but also prescribed that you should have talked, how the f*** did you know that? It's the second paragraph. Why were you looking at that page? Are you from Russia? Are you tracking everything I do on the internet? How did it, why were you looking at this? I've listened to your show before.

You're listening to my show before and what you thought you'd check out the anniversaries for yourself. Let me do my job, man. Do not bring facts to a live bugle show. Security. Also, you've set the bar very f***ing high for this order. So, is the birthday of Pierre Curie as well? Well, if I think thank you, go.

What is this get up on the station doing the f***ing show? So... Support for the Buble is brought to you by Simply Safe, Home Security Dunrights, which is incredibly frustrating for me, having spent most of the last 10 years as a secret cat burglar. I have a lot of cats. I mean, it's a really bad line of burglaries to get into.

One hour ago for jewels. Anyway, here are my main issues. One, simply safe is really discreet and hard to notice, adding hours to my cats dealing planning. Two, windows and doors are comprehensively protected. Do you expect me to come down the chimney? Three, simply safe's power backups may not even take you off the grid to execute my master plan. And for its cheap and contract free, which is putting me out of business fast, learn more about how simply safe can help protect your home and your cat. Go to simplysafe.com slash bugle.

That is simplysafe.com slash bugle. Now as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight. In the air! Correct. The bin man! The bin! The guy who was nearly American left the show two years ago. It's a bin. It's a f***ing bin. In the bin this week, we have a personal finance section. And we give you... Oh, oh no it's gone too far,

we'll go back to that. I'm still learning PowerPoint, I've had a lot of fun with it, but I can, by no means, a master of the art. So I'm f***ing right, that's all that. Anyway, we address the burning issue. That's going to be a bit weird for anyone listening to the recording of this. Well, we advise on the burning issue in American personal finance today, what should you do with your spare $130,000? Which I know is a very big issue in American money today. Various options, you could hire the star quarterback Tom Brady at his current going right.

Now, $130,000 would get you two working off the noons of Brady, and you could just ask him to throw stuff really accurately around your home and garden. You could feed 32,000 starving children in an African famine zone for a week, for $130,000 for a dollar per child, which has got a bargain really, or for the same price, you could just feed one child for 615 years, just to see how large you could make it grow. You could buy 40,000, $3 boxes of cheeses and have enough for a luxury coffin for after you attempt to eat them all in one sitting. You could invest wisely in o'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r y be unfulfilled lives, and own their own home. Yes. You're right. That is probably the most depressing joke I've ever written,

probably it is a stronger punchline. Or alternatively with your $130,000, you could pay someone you definitely did not put your penis in to not say whether or not you had or had not put your penis in them. That was the best way it just bends that money. So before we crack, are you enjoying the Trump years? Now do we have any Trump fans in? Well, who would have thought it? I mean, it's all relative, isn't it? I mean, who thinks he's the worst thing in the world right

now? I'm not saying he's the worst thing, is he worse than Islamic State? I would say ymdyn nhw'n yw'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd pianist Daniel Barron Boym, one of the great concert halls of the world and he does exactly the same thing. Then you stand on your chair and you call him a f***. It's time now to meet our B-Wall co-hosts for the scene. Now first, before we meet the people co-host, we have a guest on stage Chris today. Chris. Chris. You're Chris. Yeah, well, this is exactly why he doesn't come to these gigs because of people like you. You've ruined him.

You cannot barely, you can step outside or recording studio these days. So it's a great pleasure to welcome our standing Chris. For today, you may know him from Answer to me this podcast and song by song. Please give it up for Martin the Soundman. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Here is... APPLAUSE Welcome Martin.

APPLAUSE Today is International Day of Families. And Martin, as some of you may know, is my brother-in-law. And so to mark International Day of Families, we will be giving, is my brother-in-law, and so to mark international day families, we will be giving away a free brother-in-law at the end of the show. LAUGHTER Sorry, I should have run that party before, shouldn't I?

Right, so let's play guest-to-beautiful co-host. There is a bit of a clue sitting on stage. But let's go through it, and here we're going to give you four facts to see if you can guest-to-beautiful co-host based on the following facts. No, you've got a way to... You've got interrupt... I'm going to give you four facts, let's see if you can guess the view will co-host based on the following facts. No, you've got to wait until you've got interrupt, can't interrupt with your answer.

Fat one, she was bitten by a radioactive dictionary as a child and became obsessed with words. Fat two, she's an international fugitive. She has been to how many countries have you been to in the last eight months? I don't like it, doesn't like it. Yeah, I mean, it looks f***ing dodgy to me, honestly, I mean, you might just say it's a nice extended working holiday, but it looks f***ing dodgy. Fact 3, she's immune to sports, and this is a lasting tragedy.

Sport, cleanly, is the greatest thing. Are you sports fans? Who here hands up if you're not a sports fan? What the f*** are you lose is doing with your lives! You are such a disappointment to me. And fact 4, she used to live in the same womb that I lived in. I did a nine-month stretch there back in 74, dark times. Literally dark times. So, can you guess who it is?

It's Helen Zoltzberg! Hello, Vueblers. He used to do that every time I wanted to enter a room. Helen, how have you been celebrating international day of families? I've been looking into getting adopted by a different family. Right, give away a free sister as well at the end of the gig. Just anyone as long as I don't have to wear your hand-me-downs for the first ten years. Why did you stop? Oh, you haven't stopped, actually.

Got it, how the dressing up box. Right, now our second guest, and this is a huge, exciting moment for the bugle of historic moments. We are about to do something that is going to blow your mind. I mean, here in the city of technology, we're going to do something that is really even beyond the bounds of the wondrous worldwide witchcraft of the 21st century. Who here works in tech? Yeah. Oh, literally all of you, okay?

All of you, yes, no one else could afford the 50 mile journey in from where they now live because of you,**kers. Um. Um. That's it. Um. Um, I mean, a lot of tech is wonderful. I don't get me wrong, but not all of it, though. Uh, something's unnecessary. Uh, the Apple Watch, for example, is both. Uh, both wonderful and none.

Does anyone here have an Apple Watch? Yes. I've got a few of you. Now, no one needs an Apple Watch. Nab-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do Gwyd yn y fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff I didn't need that Apple watch. I think it's a bit hypocritical of somebody who buys a lot of Victorian teddy bears on eBay. I bought one, Helen! I know that is technically a lot, but it's a one! Who are its friends then? I'm punishing it for all the things Britain did wrong during our Imperial phase.

But this is a truly historic moment. Because we are now going through the internet, we are going all the way to the woman whom Flamingo's fear lying from Tokyo, Japan, it's Alice Priser! from Tokyo, Japan. It's Alice Fraser! Hello, Andy. Hello, Bugas. How are you? Well, I can't believe this has worked. So I'm... LAUGHTER

Alice, how's Japan? TINY TINY or tidy? Buzz! So this is a truly historic moment. Did you know Helen, this is the first time in the history of showbiz? The webinar has happened in a comedy club. It's almost that.

I was going to say that the brother sister combination from the United Kingdom on stage in San Francisco have linked up with an Australian comedian in Japan. Feel the history of San Francisco. You don't have very much of it, so you need stuff like this. Right, I think we're ready for our top story. Martin, we need a full sting. Now, this is what Martin brings that Chris does not bring. He brings electronic versions of Buebel Stings and the look in his face as he plays them is the single

purist look of delight you will ever see on the front of a human head. Come on Andy, I've seen you doing a pan-run. I think it's even beyond that. Ross not pure delight, that is very much adulterated with sin. Don't story this week and the world is about to end again. This is part 65 of the world is about to end in Buegel history. Who is confident the world will last more than another year? Who reckons we're at? We've entered the end times We can't we'll take that that's better than better than average and have you been enjoying the Middle East crisis?

No, it's yeah, who frankly is shitting themselves on a daily basis? It's terrifying Yeah, who, frankly, is shitting themselves on a daily basis? Woo! Yeah, that's right. It's terrifying times. A career. Today, the North have just pulled out of talks with the... I don't know if that puts Donald Trump's scheduled Nobel Prize in... ...in doubt. I mean, that's...

It does... I mean, the idea that Trump could get a Nobel Peace Prize, I know they've banded in the maths to pretty fucking weird people over the years, America. When it's slightly reminiscent of when in 1976, George, who were now in shock, tripped over his fin at a Hollywood premiere of the drama documentary about his life, and which he, of course, played himself and landed snout first in a bowl of guacamole and ended up winning the fidgetarian of the year. So, Alice, you are our official career correspondent. What can you bring? I mean, you've basically moved to be within touching distance of any massive nuclear war in Korea.

What's going on there? Well, there's going speculation ahead of the historic summit between Trump and Kim Jong-un, which is planned for June 12th in Singapore. Of course, the two leaders are expected to discuss the denuclearization of the Korean volunteer, but more importantly, they will have to shake hands for the cameras multiple times. Given that Kim Jong-un wore high-heeled boots to shake hands

with his South Korean counterpart, how will he handle the massive height difference between him and Trump? Is it drag queen heels that you've got a counterbalance both the height differential and Trump's tendency to treat a handshake like the beginning of a foot loose dance montage where he's sweeping someone into a twelp. LAUGHTER So, what would Helen, what year you're an expert not only on etymology, but also on the art of the formal greeting

between world leaders? Sure, yeah. What would be... What are you all the fount of all wisdom for f*** sake. What would be your advice on meeting either of those two men? Well, I would suggest to Kim that he attempts the ancient Greek style of supplication where you kneel down, grab the other person around the knees and then pull on their bid, but in Trump's case the extra long tie should be an easy reach. Yeah. a'r pwyllwyr yn trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwmwyr i'r trwm I've been here before and I thought about it and it stands. Er, and er, because to me, to me, Donald Trump, that's for, in his presidency, has been an inverse Russian dollar f***ing tree.

BEEP In that, every time you think he's reached his limit, out pops and even bigger f***ing... Er, that's Russian as well. Join the f***ing dots people, it's Russian! It's really putting the Norbin to Nobel Prize. Oh, I knew I'd drag you down to my level at some point, Helen. This is over for the time. Well, the thing is, you know, it's very important,

particularly in the Asian region, to have your kind of etiquette down pat. And I don't think Trump does that. I think if he goes in there and starts kicking doors down the way he does, it's going to be career suicide. Oh come on, that deserves more for effort if not a treatment. Help me, I'm outnumbered. Well, I don't see a husband jumping to your defence with an anti-pun.

Is that, you're a doctor of physics, is it possible to create, you know, if you can have matter and antimatter, can you have pun and antipun? Yeah? Good, Brian. I can't help but have a few. H.D. also, one of the reasons we've got Martin here today, it's the 400th anniversary of Kepler launching his third law of what was it, planetary motion? Planetary motion, there you go.

That's it, thank you. You know who's? I feel like the audience is really far more qualified than you to do this gig tonight. LAUGHTER Don't worry, Helen, I've had 18 years of practice with that. I've seen it. Elsewhere in Pending Armageddon News.

Yeah, things... Well, Trump pulled out the Iran deal, who was at the right call. LAUGHTER No, as a result of which, all manner of shit has broken loose. a'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith to a child's christening and giving them a book entitled How to Enjoy Great Sex After Menopause. At the right time it's actually probably quite a nice gesture, but Alice, anything more to bring some light to the Middle East situation before we move on? Well, I'm not wearing any pants. LAUGHTER What else?

No, I... Look, when I'm worried about the risk of all out-nuclear war, serious political coverage of serious political issues becoming too dauntingly dense or complex, I tend to turn to tabloid-press coverage. For example, the Daily Stars take on Trump and Iran's nuclear solution, where the headline reads, all caps, mapped. World War III on Brink in Middle East as Trump acts as Iran nuclear deal. And I don't know what they mean on the brink of, but they call Trump the billionaire instead of the president. And the map is just Facebook profile picks of all the world leaders sort of digitally cut out and pasted onto a map, which is itself digitally cut out and digitally pasted over a background

of roiling flames, the like of which haven't been seen since the teenage, early 2000s, my space, heavy metal fans had pooled rain over the aesthetic temperament of their own personal web pages. Say what you like about Facebook's crippling claw hold over the private information of its members, at least they don't let 15-year-olds choose their own fonts and backgrounds. A lot of the note of hope in this troubled, troubled world, spike Lee, who I think it's fair to say is not a massive fan of Donald Trump, told the world to wake up. I would say Mae'n ymwyr i'n cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth y cyflwyth o'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r gwasio'r g it before they lost it. Sleep easy tonight. Do you not think they should have looked for it before 15 years of past? I guess it's not one of the things that you notice necessarily

losing unless... I think I would. I've lost many things in my time, but none of them things that you could make a nuclear weapon out of. But then things do get lost behind the couch, so they could look in their first, but they didn't just not motivate it. To mark this occasion, we are holding a weapons grade plutonium amnesty at today's live-bue rule. So if any of you are packing any weapons grades plutonium with you, please hand it in to Helen at the end of the gig. She will make it safe by looking at it and turning it into a podcast. It's just what she does. She just can't help it. She's the King Mideast of online audio.

But just the other day she looked at an old woman at a bus stop. The old woman disappeared and Helen walked off with a 35-minute MP3 file. Truly sensational. We have... Her arms turned into square space, abs. LAUGHTER We have some breaking news coming through. The latest in the celebrity sex pestilence stories. The retired former ancient Greek gods Zeus has just become the latest high-profile celeb to be charged with historic sex offenses. Yeah, they're coming police in Athens,

searching a library, discovered a collection of what they describe as highly incriminating myths. It's like a classic pattern of behaviour and over-powerful entitled male abusing his position of influence. The disgraced former King of Olympus, and one time God of Thunder, was denied bail after turning himself into a pint of beer and pouring himself down a stenographer's blouse. So... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Do you know, I'm not sure anyone's ever laughed like that in Japan before. Just being a remix of laughter. Also, I've got Bright Bart up. Have you got any Bright Bart fans in? All right, I've mistreat the vibe of this gig. Big time. And they've got some fantastic new articles on Bright Bart,

including this just come out today. If I'm not allowed to scream, you're a fucking bitch at a baby in a shopping mall, that's because it might be female, then gay people shouldn't be allowed to buy cars. Classic outright stuff. And if immigrants and women are as great as the snowflakes say, how come American male man Neil Armstrong was the first thing on the moon? snowflakes say, how come American male man Neil Armstrong was the first thing on the moon? Why does the mainstream media keep lying to us about spiders having legs? None of the ones in our collection do anymore. So, classic stuff from Brightmont there. It's time now for a Bueville feature section and everyone's favourite relic of medieval feudalism

the British monarchy is having another wedding that's right, everything else in the world is of no relevance anymore Helen you are an official royal wedding correspondent for the Bugal that's right in three days, seven hours, four minutes and thirty-five seconds the only role anyone would swipe right on is getting hitched to your home team yw'n gweithio'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yw'r ffodd yfffodd yw'r ffodd And also she is marring into a very racist bunch, and I'm worried for her. But it's alright, she's used to having shit relatives, because all of her is a caching in. Her nephew is growing a special strain of royal wedding themed marijuana. Markle sparkle. Which he says is unique, unique and classy like my aunt, guaranteed to blow anyone's crown off.

And you'll also be pleased to know that KFC on the day will be selling limited edition bone china buckets or ship the handy will be buying off eBay in 20 years sort of faintly ironized intent and Velvita has limited edition crown shaped mac and cheese oh you're excited about all that aren't you? no wonder you were like ROLL WEDDING ME! CROWN BASTAR!

Duncan Donuts has Royal Wedding Donuts. Well, what marks out a Royal Wedding Donut from a regular donut? It costs the taxpayer a lot more. Well, you know, that's interesting. Is Meghan Markle going to get her own little anthem? Does she get... Because it's all done, it's done by grading, isn't it? And the Queen gets the full whack.

She must have a terrible earworm of that, don't you think? Just every time she opens a fucking door, someone plays her a fucking theme song. She must be, she must be waiting for the merciful claw of the reaper, and yet ironically, every time someone sings it, it makes it less likely to happen. Because, God, God say that we need to update our end. I'm out of your anthem, it's fundamentally

about kicking the shit out of us, British people. But it's fair. But it is to attune the originated as a British drinking song. So... Do you think it should be changed to old age, should take our queen? Well, I just think we are currently appealing to a dirty, that as you said, the vast majority of people in Britain no longer believe in, Brexit might not have happened. I blame the Queen. But fundamentally, Meghan Markle is marrying into the British Royal family. And who would like the monarchy back?

We can keep her. Because, okay, let me put it this way. Who would you rather have in charge? The Queen or Donald Trump? The Queen. That's right. Everyone would say the Queen. She's one of the most popular political figures in the world, because she's a very shrewd operator, the Queen. And she has great hats.

She has great hats. And she's very, very cleverly been constitutionally barred from saying or doing anything for the entire 66 years of her reign. The only, because she's very well aware, that's when politicians say and do stuff that people get annoyed with them. So the only thing she does is the wife, the famous royal wife.

Do you know the origin of the royal wife? Prey tell. Goes back to the... LAUGHTER God, do you probably know this? LAUGHTER You know, wiki-peedy, bothering weirdo, the... LAUGHTER

That was a bit rich coming from me. The origin of the famous royal wife, I'm sure you're aware of...'s the, as the origin of the role, the thing is you had to extract the sample whilst the badge was asleep. Otherwise, it became too oxidated and therefore less aerodynamic. And they used it to coat the propellers on the Spitfires. Is that treason?

In fact, no, it's truth. Truth, okay, truth or treason. New TV game. Winner gets beheaded. Also when it comes to the Royal Wedding, there's been some controversy that 1200 quote's ordinary people who've been hand selected to be guests have been told to bring their own food to the Royal Wedding. Now bearing in mind, they come to me look at Harry

as he's walking down the aisle and think to themselves, your granny's face is on my bank notes. Give me a f***ing sandwich. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER The Australian government is going to give them a present and everyone's excited about what the present's gonna be.

Right. And what's that like thing to be? Well, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull refused to say what it was. He said, we can't reveal it yet, but it is very Australian and appeals to their interests, which is 100% what I say when I haven't bought someone a present. Also, I want very Australian and appeals to your interest as my new Twitter bio. Is there a vintage T-shirt of Kylie Minogue? I mean, that's sensational. That is.

You're really toned down the joy there, I think you're pulling how it's done in fact. Mae'n fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawr yw'r fawithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. between the top half and the bottom half. LAUGHTER

And... There is... LAUGHTER There's really no way to paper over those cracks, so please give generously. Also, erm... Mermaid sushi can fetch up to $130,000 a kilo, you know that? LAUGHTER Andy, did you know that I am half mermaid half human?

But the mermaid half is the human half of the mermaid, so... Essentially, I 100% human, but I have a deep spiritual affinity for the television show Sequest DSV. Well, there you go, but you know, that's the first Sequest DSV reference in the entire history of the movie. That is what Johnny Shopey is, whose picture is the first sequest DSP reference in the entire history of the video. That is what Johnny Shopee is, whose picture is over there, did not bring to this show. I then learned made switch to the other way round, like fishhead with human legs.

If not, why did those not take off? Don't answer, I can think about ten reasons already. Everyone just wants the mermaid for the boobs, right? Not the knees. It's now the Bugle Regrets section. Helen, you are the Bugles regretting, you're responding. Yes, this this week United Airlines was regretting saying that they were going to no longer serve tomato juice on flights. And passenger, tomato juice, if you don't understand what I'm talking about. No, it's not.

It's potato juice. And now it's pronounced. And passengers were f***ing livid, because as we all know, as soon as you get into the sky, you want to drink something that looks and tastes like blood. And so within days, United René had done that decision. So you can take heart because protest works. Resist. Of course, hardcore believers in aviation

believe that tomato juice on a plane merely represents the blood of Orville and Wilbur Wright. Whereas, others claim that above 10,000 feet it actually becomes the actual blood of the Wright brothers. But each to the right, and as long as you don't start a war over it, but looking forward to the forthcoming movie, Tomato Juice on a plane. I've had it with this lack of mother f***ing tomato juice on this mother f***ing drinks trolley on this mother f***ingey on this mother fucking plane Sorry, so this is a British airways flight

Good I perhaps interest you in a snake Other regrets other other grits are the Christopher Columbus high school in Florida who held their prom which was jungle themed and so they invited a live tiger a'r I hope they send someone from the world-life branch, rather than the fish branch of that. I mean, I guess there were options. I mean, they didn't have to get the live tiger. They could have got a pantomime tiger, two people in a tiger outfit. They could have got a stuffed tiger. They could have got a regular stripy house cat and stood it behind a'r pwp i'n pan, yn y taiga o'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw A mother trying to commemorate her love for her children. Yes, mother in Sweden had her children's names tattooed on her arm and then discovered afterwards that the tattoo artist had misspelled her son Kevin's name as Kelvin. But because she does not want to live with regret,

she has decided to legally change her son's name to Kelvin. change her son's name to Kelly. LAUGHTER Well Kelly, it's a hot name. LAUGHTER She's really brought her A-game today, I want to say. To deliver a joke like that, at a range of what? about 10,000 miles, that's f***ing impressive. It's quite hard to understand how widespread Tattoo has become. Very cosy. Who here has, give me a cheer if you have a tattoo.

Oh, like a bit of a tattoo. I saw an amazing tattoo just down the street here in Alberta. Someone had a turnip on the back of their head. Mae'n gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn g yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwaith yn gwa remember the names of all of their children, without having them delirably inscribed on their arms. Happy birthday. Ah, shit, it's gone. Debbie, there we go, love you. I don't know if you actually check with our father whether he can remember what our names are.

He remembers the dog's names, that's the important thing. Um... BUZZER BUZZER A quick bit of breaking news, in fact, through from Britain now, Brexit breaking news, a compromise has been reached on Brexit one week on, one week off. Right, we're onto the other news section now. I've got two minutes to wait for it.

Everywhere. Alice, anything else to tell us about from either Australia or Japan or anywhere else? We have Hillary Clinton speaking out about China influencing Australia. If you're interested in that. Yeah, well that's enough. That's, and I mean, how are you worried about it as an Australian?

Well, I wasn't, and then Hillary Clinton, for the US Secretary of State, warned Australia to be wary of Chinese interference in domestic political decision-making. She said, I think Australians need to be four Australians, Americans need to be four Americans, and whether it's Russia and a secret way interfering with our election, or the Chinese looking to try and influence policy, we should say not, she told an Australian current affairs show, thereby being an American using the media to influence Australian policy making. I don't care what side of the political aisle you might be on in either Australia or the United States. We have an interest in making sure the decisions that are made by our government

are not the results of some kind of influence peddling by foreign power. Says the foreign politician peddling their influence in a speaking tour around Australia. I'm not sure. Strapping people. Some of you who've seen me here before might have heard some versions of these. So, um, alright, okay. So, it's great to be here in California. I can see how long Helen can last on stage and not in tears. Right. Someone put a clock on it. Right.

He used to surf a lot, maybe, move in California, but he wasn't very good at it. Though he talked himself up, he once entered a competition. But he had a big crash, flipped off his board, flew through the air and landed face first on the beach. He's always going to have a bruised ego. My other friend said to him, not just bruised, I said, I think he's going to have a sandy ego too. That's a... It was very bitter. Claiming the whole thing was unfair because he had to surf in more difficult conditions than everyone else.

He complained for hours. He had a real long beach about it. He didn't take it well. He hit the bottle. He got very drunk. Sorry to never go to the beach again. I tried to persuade him otherwise. Go on buddy, just one more time.

It was absolutely hammered by that. I was slurring his words. I was like, I like this one. Yes. I'm a frizz, no. LAUGHTER His life fell apart, he had to sell everything he owns, including his precious collection of board games.

He said one to each country in Europe, he said Britain is chess, he said Germany is backgammon, and where did he send that Chinese game of his? Oh yeah, he sent Francis go. Send Francis go. Oh, thank you. Thank you. What? Right. But he kept one of the things he did keep was this strange wooden

pole. I can't tell that, he said. Why, I asked. Oh, it reminds me of when I saw a fertility doctor who cured my impotence by smashing me in the balls with this giant ancient phallus. It's my sacram memento. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh lordy. I am a 43 year old father of two. This is my job. Things went from bad to worse. He joined this bizarre right-wing racist group that used to dress in these pointy hats with eye holes made of wood, the oak clan.

Now that is the correct response. Anyway, my mate started putting his life together back together eventually. He got into history, politics. Once got his ten best friends to vote on, their favourite ever is Rayleigh leaders out of a list of former presidents and prime ministers. yn y ffavever i'r Raynulidus, ad o'r listu ffwrn y prezid yn ympryni'n mynd. Yn y top 4, yn order, Robyn, Robyn, Mae'r Peres, yn hwyrnsog. Yn ymwyrn i'r votu'r castasfollows. 4 i'r ax, 3 gildas, 2 shimonns, anachai am.

Anachai am... Anachai am... I mean, just give me something for the effort if not the achievement. You brought this on yourselves. Anyway, eventually turned to music. I wrote an album about bereavement and how much he loves jams and preserves. It was called Los Angeles. LAUGHTER That's great, good, that's a good one. Thank you, Martin. Thank you, thank you for anything we're doing again.

He's on board with, right? That's done. I'm ending there. I'm ending there for the sake. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right. Why do you reward that behaviour? Can we get the video screened back on please? Just a week and all say goodbye to Alice. There we go. Alice Fraser, ladies and gentlemen. The wonderful Alice Fraser. Alice, you've got a new podcast.

I do have a new podcast. I do have a new podcast. It was produced by the original producer of the Bugle Tom Wright and it is on the ABC in Australia or on any of your podcast channels. It's called Troll Play. And it's where we take the manure on the internet and turn it into the flowers of joy. Do listen to that. And listen to that?

And listen to Helen Zalousnichdan answer me this. Thanks. Yeah, Helen Zalutman, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. 37 times, Ultraman sister of the year. I'm 38 now. What happened in 1998? I think I'll adopt Tashwann.

I want you You're not a bad you Give it up for Martin Thanks to Cubs for having us being so helpful setting up and everything please get up all the venues off here Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.