The Bugle - Bugle 4069 – Read the bible, capeesh?

Episode Date: May 25, 2018

Andy and Nish Kumar look at the latest wang swinging from the US and North Korea, Ireland's referendum on membership to the 21st century and silliness from the NFL.May contain references to a sporting event that was taking place at the time.With@HelloBuglers@MrNishKumar@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Dancilla Guard Reader. 8441.

Yeah, Beagleous, just in case this gets left in, just as a warning, the test match is currently on. And Andy just keeps on sort of doing stuff on his computer and I think, well, he's really working hard, and he just then announces the f***ing score The bugle audio newspaper for a visual world Hello insert your name here. I just thought I'd make it a little bit more personal this week and welcome to Insert whatever you want this podcast to be called here your name here. I just thought I'd make it a little bit more personal this week. And welcome to Insert What Ever You Want This Podcast To Be Called Here. I am in certain name of your preferred host of today's show here.

Be honest, I won't be offended. What? You're f***ing what? Keep people. It is the 25th of May in Sirts Your Chosen Year here. And in today's show, we will be covering insert the topics you won't cover here, here, and here. You know, sometimes I think the customer has too much power these days.

This is Bugle issue, 4,069. I am Andy Zoltzmann back in London after many weeks traveling the world, thanks to everyone who came to the live Google shows in the USA and my show's in Australia and New Zealand as well and the radio topia tour in the state. I'm delighted to be joined today by a man who may have been overlooked for many things including the England World Cup football squad. A reckon you could have done a job. Promotion to a ministerial post in the British government, rumours had linked him to being appointed

junior minister for Groove. The newly opened department of funk, just got Brexit distracting written all over it. Also overlooked for a place in the backing band on the current rolling stones tour, disappointing, and not given a retrospective at the Royal Academy, they didn't think his lifetimes output of painting and sculpture was up to it. Also dropped from the Chelsea flower show Grand Final after it transpired. He was not a plant, but despite that, he's good enough for us at the Bugle. We're delighted to have him welcome back from yet more globetrotting, continent-hopping and ocean-volting.

21st century's Vasco de Gama. Nishgo de Kuma. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bugle. 21st century's Vasco de Gama, this Golda Kumar. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bueglers. Furious to miss out on the World Cup squad, Andy. Yeah, I mean, what happened there? Absolutely, Livid. I don't know.

I really thought I was a shoeing for leftback. I've really been putting in a shift at Tuesday football. I thought I've really thought I had a chance. I have been indeed a globetrot. Wait, you and I've really, I was about to say clocked up some air miles. What I mean to say is you and I have really contributed to the inevitable decline of the Earth. Those are the later and.

Well, you know, you know, good to gig, isn't it? Yeah. Our carbon footprint is now T-Rex size. That's right. God will sort it out, or science. One of the two, kind of interchangeable these days. I've been, since I last googled, I completed the second series of the travel show that I do with Joel Domey. And we went to Japan again to do Sumo Wrestling and then we went to Peru and we went to Argentina. Quick summary of the trip, turns out I'm a Sumo natural and that is not even a vague exaggeration.

I am a natural natural as my favorite. It's too much. Drink the heavy in Spain as well. Um. I, uh, so I mean, you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to back that up with some, some, well, right? You can't just say you're a sumo natural. Wait until you see series two Andy. Okay.

It's, it's quite impressive. Well, that's the largest person that you sumo again. Well, we were only wrestling the averages. They wouldn't even let us in the ring with the professionals Those guys are serious operators. I like it's what a sport Andy. It's so great I shout myself on a man in Peru, right? I'm an again, you can't just throw that phrase in Casually again, I'm when it's one of Kenny Rogers lesser than I was

Again, I'm when it's one of Kenny Rogers's lesser known. Less than I'd but soon to be re-discovered in a big way. I shout myself out about an in Peru brackets and I liked it. So I mean, what was this matter of excitement? I know. I know. I ate some, I ate some, shall we say, questionable street food. Right. OK. By which I mean, I bought it from a stand,

as opposed to I just ate it off a lemur roadside. But I ate some slightly, yeah, and I struggled a little bit. And I just received, as I was on my way to the bugle, what happens with these shows is that we film all this footage and then it's someone's job at the production company to transcribe everything that happens. Lucky them.

Lucky them. And if you wanna know what it's like traveling with me, I received this full transcription of a conversation that I had with the director. Now the setup for this is that my stomach situation had resolved itself. Now because we'd referenced it in the show, I had he had to ask me, was the director's job,

to ask me how my stomach was. So this is a verbatim transcription of that conversation. Director, how are your bowels? Nish, all quiet on the southern front, if you get my drift, what I'm saying is I've passed solid stools, never celebrated one more vociferously in my entire life. I was down there and I felt the sweet, sweet tang of solid feces on ainoffishet.

Director, please stop. Nish, so in regards to my bowels, great news, all quiet on the southern front, I passed the night uneventfully and this morning I sat down and criss on the porcelain with a solid nugget. Brackets laughter, director. Let's reference it more that you're finally able to eat before the trek. Nish, fine. Great news, all quiet on the southern front. My guts are behaving. I passed

what can only be described as a regulation stool this morning. Absolute textbook bit of business. Then I feel great about it. I sat on the toilet, parted my cheeks and what can only be described as a solid rock formation passed and landed on the sweet porcelain. What a sound, director, and now you can eat. Nish, solid feces on porcelain, director, and now you can eat. Nish, it is truly the music of nature. Director, and now you can eat. Nish, so this morning it passed uneventfully, shall we say, by which I mean it was like the thing from the Fantastic Four crawled out on my backside and went for a swim. Bracket's laughs director cut.

Well, I mean that's what we tried to achieve on the beautiful the general edification of humanity. You need to try that, mate. And now I can eat. I mean, are you being paid by the Peruvian tourist? So, this sumo, I mean, what's your style as a, because I mean, you're not, I'm not saying you're an absolutely primed athlete, but neither are you a traditional sumo bill. Sumo is better than me.

My sumo style was going hard, going early. Right. It's the same attitude I take to all you can eat buffets. Straighten, head down, get into it. I was going hard, going early. It's the same attitude I take to all you can eat buffets. Right. Straighten, head down, get into it. Right. It's very tactical. What I will say is the uniforms leave something to be desired.

Yes. And that something is coverage of your penis and test. If you're not familiar with the sumo, it is basically a scarf wrapped around your neathers. And without wishing to be indecorous, I was flying like a more than one occasion. It's just always a bad moment when you feel a gust of wind blow through your sack. Bob Dylan quotes. Oh, and then I shaved a moustache. And I got stopped at customs because it turns out with a moustache

I thought I looked like my dad in the 80s and he throw away a port believe I looked like the actual Pablo Escobar Inventful couple of months This is Bugle 4,069 which coincident is the Estimated year in which humans will have evoluted to be born with tattoos already imprinted on their skin And also 4069 with a marks out of 10 that Jesus gave to the four gospel writers At one of their annual end of your assessments in the late first century AD

Got full transcript here Matty not your best talk it up a bit. I mean, luckily Lazarus got better, it's not really selling it, Mark. What the f*** Mark? Do not include any of Judas' jokes. And you know, full well, the parable of the surprisingly sexy grandmother was not for publication. A Lads and I out is a Lads and I out. Raise the bar, or I'm getting Alvin in instead of you. You're in chance alone Marco and dingling last orders can push look much better keep it up just you know numbers feeding the 1000 not good enough bump it up mate and John love your work mate absolutely love your work very original I love metaphors and that story about the boozy wedding

lovely touch mate everyone loves a drink, strong branding. The rest of you watch and learn. More free booze equals more happy customers. First of all, a public relations, right hands in, one, two, three, Prostler, TIEEEES! Go team J. Um, I think it's full traffic. The Bible would have even more punch than it already has if it included the word Kapiche.

Well why not? I mean it's, and there's quite a lot of the Bible that is essentially Matthew level for us to brave yourself. Keep your dick out of the livestock Kapiche. That surely has got to be your next hit TV show. Keep your dick out of the livestock with this coo. I'm really enjoying about this. This is happening in a studio where upstairs. As we were coming into the studio, we saw Salvin Rushdie.

So this is this juvenile year. I'm just reading off the scripting from the studio. Listen, as finally letting his head out, let the real Salman out to play. If anyone could tell you about the dangers of reinterpreting religious scripture, it's the bad upstairs and I'm not talking about God. We are recording on the 25th of May, which is the feast day of St. Beade. The venerable bead, father of English history. The venerable bead, of course, yeah. One of the most venerable of all beads. He was a famous letter writer back in the day, but in his time, of course,

it took a month, about three and a half days, just a colour in the first letter of a page of text. And so you bloody well thought probably about every f***ing word you wrote. And I think this week, if only letter writers today, spent as much care over their words as B did. The world might be slightly calmer. As always, a section of this Google is going straight in the bin. This week we look back at the Royal Wedding and look ahead to the next Royal occasions that can take our minds away from the grim realities of reality. There is an issue we're looking ahead to an aching void of royal weddings. Oh, it's coming up. And it's hard to see where the next one

is. Wedding list is coming from. So into this void, there are now talks that Prince George, the Prince and trainee monarch, pin up child of constitutionally neutral non-executive inherited pseudo power, will be lined up with a ceremonial royal playdate for the British public to enjoy as monarchy fans. He's aged, well I never even mind, he's a fucking prince, doesn't matter how old he is, if he's got enough, you're old enough. But he's, hang on, he's just, do you know how old he is? But he's just hanging on a piece of shit. Do you know how old he is? I don't know, I do.

Four. He's four. Oh, you know, we should know his age, because we did a whole section on this show about his first day of school. Oh, right, yeah. It's almost as if you don't have full recall of every single bugle episode, Andy.

What is your name? Um. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm Salmon Rushdie, nice to meet you. Prince George is now aged 4, nearly 5, which is roughly equivalent to 4, nearly 5 in human years ironically. And he's been lined up for a play date with 5-year-old Mary Lou Fletan from the Canadian shipping company, the incredible floating flettens, of course began in circus in the 19th

century, but ended up in containerships. Funny old world. Could be as soon as August niched the Royal Playdate crowd of up to 800,000 expected to watch the two youngsters build a palace out of Lego. And also rumoured to be in talks with Denmark's ruling dynasty to have a joint royal fan parade with Danish micro-oils, Prince Pastry and Princess Baconium. And I mean, you are the Bugles Royal Correspondent. Obviously, yeah, absolutely. I mean, huge monochist. Where were you for the great occasion?

I was slightly just point to that you were not involved in the... No, listen, I was furious not to get the call. But you know, Andy, I celebrated it in the most traditional British way possible in bed, sleeping off a heavy evening of drinking. And you know, on Friday night I thought there's no way I can watch this wedding if I have a true patriot, what I need to do is drink two bottles of red wine and spend the next day

entirely incapacitated and have to watch the highlights on YouTube. And how much do you think Britain has changed since the wedding? I mean, it's as high as 98% full social change. Full social change Andy, the presence of Meghan Markle has meant that racism is over. It's all done. It's all over. I can just walk around now.

Well that's why we've got you on the show this week New Britain new bugle Well, thank you Megan Markov. That's right. I mean this show was a bastion of white male privilege Anyway, that's Retrospective on the Royal Wedding is unfortunately in a bit. Support for the Bugle is brought to you by Simply Safe, Home Security Dunrights. Simply Safe is really discreet and hard to notice. Windows and doors are comprehensively protected.

It's cheap and contract free. Learn more about how Simply Safe can help protect your home. Go to SimplySafe.com slash bugle. Go to simplysafe.com slash bugle. That is simply safe.com slash bugle Top story this week to miss quote Bob Dylan. It's all over now Kim Jong-un Happy birthday to the great man for yesterday. All right Bob that is Bob Dylan. not Kim Jong-un. And generally he was four yesterday. Four years old. He's Benjamin Button like Lloyd. After Google is aged before I started, he's 77. And the top question when you go to Google

Bob Dylan is how did Bob Dylan die? Just such an assumption that he's not made it. That people don't even bother asking, did he die? Just how did it happen? And he, the summit is off. The frost mix and a f***ing quittery, the coffee shop scene in heat meets dumb and dumb, but when Harry Met Sally of International Crazy Men is officially off, Donald Trump canceled his proposed meeting with Kim Jong-Un via a letter yesterday afternoon Devastating blow for international relations and a real surprise in the same way that a surprise party is a surprise in that it's not really a surprise But everyone's pretending to go through the motions. Yes, I think we've heard enough about you going through your motions already. So the, I mean, the talks, it was scheduled for Singapore. That's right. Coming, I mean, it's a huge, huge disappointment. I mean, probably the biggest disappointment

of all is, you know, there's always hidden losers in this. And a commemorative coin, glamorizing and vindicating and validating a murderous despot, which is really what these kind of talks are all about, is now no longer valid. I mean, they had, they were selling the basic Donald Trump had a special coin made to commemorate this glorious occasion, absolutely the supreme leader, not even an inverted commerce. Even Kim Jong Un doesn't really think he's fucking Supreme. No. These coins are now obsolete. Disaster.

Very much slightly commemorative mug marking the coronation of King Edward the Eighth, it never happens that I made a port on April some years ago. Love of it history, love of it in merch. But to give Kim Jong-un his own, I mean it's one thing to butter up the missile wiggling bastard and mass poverty fan. For the practical purposes of making a nuclear war marginally less likely.

But to give him his own fucking coin. Yeah, I mean, it was a bizarre move. I mean, issuing a commemorative gold coin for an occasion that hasn't happened is a really bold move. It actually reminds me of an ancient proverb that my grandmother used to tell me when I was growing up. Now I'm translating directly from the mullion, so do bear with me. On the verge of success, the wise man waits, while the foolish man commissions a f***ing stupid f***ing pointless gold coin that's not even a coin and makes himself look like a complete f***ing f***ing

So I mean what is what is the strategy behind because it does seem as whole thing is essentially Some kind of improvisational ego-driven whack-a-mold politics. Yeah. So was it a game of clever political chess Or be it a version of chess in which the only pieces are the penises of the two players Splunked onto the chessboard your move. Oh nice the Napoleonic opening. Thank you, it's way bigger than Napoleon's. Donald Trump sent a letter which expressed regret that he would not be unable to carry out the meeting, but also included some thinly veiled threats. When I say thinly veiled, I mean, there was no veil, it was just a threat. He said this, this is direct quite from the letter. You talk about your nuclear capabilities,

but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used. This is the ultimate breakup letter Andy. What Donald Trump is basically saying is, it's not me, it's you, and if you say it's me, I'll blow you to Kingdom Come with my massive nuclear arsenal. I mean, that's when Bob Gillin was very much the master of the breakup. Yes, this is Donald Trump's blood on the tracks moment.

Jeffrey Lewis from the Middlebury Institute of International Studies, described the situation as a total goat rodeo. I mean, this you are under the age of 40, so you know how young people talk. Is this a common phrase? Yeah, I believe it's common parlance amongst the rappers, actually. Total goat goat row. Also, my favourite Xbox stroke, PlayStation, stroke, numbs, gulks, idiot console game this year.

Total goat row, do you? I mean, could, I mean, I guess guess is he one of those phrases that's just almost makes sense by sheer lack of sense I mean it does seem to fit the Trumpic presidency. Yeah absolutely. It's a tip to the total goat rodeo. Yeah it sounds like one of his failed businesses. Yeah it's like steaks casinos goat rodeo like he wouldn't be out of place. Yeah in the list of things he is completely fucked up. It could possibly even be emerging off his stake and casino business. Yes.

Yeah. And yet somehow he still comes out. That's the problem that I have with the coin because the White House dropped the price from 24.95 to 1995, which I would argue is still $20 to expensive. It should cost minus 5 cents. Also, new mismatists, which I believe is the name for people who like coins a lot. Say, you should be referred to as a medallion because it has no denomination,

so it's completely, f***ing worthless. But so many people bought it when the price was slashed that the White House gift shop website crashed. And it's like the most American thing ever, like a celebration of absolute stupidity. But it's typical of Donald Trump in that somehow, no matter how badly he f**ks up, he still makes money.

It's a genius. So it was a, I mean a heart-rending letter, as you say. It was. It's hard to see how this is going to pan out now. And Trump has just issued a statement in which he said, I, sorry we, who am I kidding, I, remain committed to the idea of whatever the idea was of these talks. These talks have great opportunity to sell commemorative coins and I quite fancy the idea of a city called Trump Yang or something, career like that. In honor of my contributions to the annual turnover of North Korea.

However, there is a large fly buzzing around the overlotage right now. It's on the curtains. I'm going to whack it with it with the newspaper Mike get the remnants of that newspaper out the fireplace I'm gonna get that fly. Oh, I've lost it now. I can do it, but I can't say I have an itchie testicle the left one The right one was it you a minute ago now, but I've scratched it and it's fine. Is it chicken for lunch? I had chicken You know John Wayne still alive. I want to give him a cabinet post. How pal he'd do a job. Oh, sorry I almost forgot go Jesus. Yeah, is that enough Christianity stuff or do I need to do more? I want my Nobel Prize or at least a sticker saying, Brave Boy, I think there's a shark in the bottom at a dreamer as chased by a shark, kill all sharks. So um, it'll calm the troubled waters down.

This is a serious failure for the sort of Nathan peace process in the Korean Peninsula and the background to this whole thing is the there was a surprise announcement in March that these talks were supposed to happen. But it turns out that the whole time the two sides were talking at cross purposes because North Korea thought they were coming to the table as an equal partner, whereas Trump thought his campaign of maximum pressure was paying off. And the discrepancy only really became clear in the last couple of weeks when Trump's officials started making it clear that they meant a full destruction of North Korea's nuclear capabilities and started referring to how they wanted to treat the country by something that they called the Libya model which is not ideal because that model is a model of Colonel Gaddafi having a bunch of things shoved up in bar. It's a terrible model. It's Colonel Gaddafi getting an absolute

ass full of whatever flots of ingestion people had floating around in tripple that day. I'm pretty sure Donald Trump and the fair with the Libya model at some point is pretty presidential career as well. And so white house officials have not ruled out the summit from happening again in future. So a white house official said the summit meeting was still a possibility but keeping the exact meeting was still a possibility, but keeping the exact date was impossible, given the fact that the New York Times quoted one senior official are saying,

June 12th is in 10 minutes, which under normal circumstances, we'd all interpret as being a comment on the pace of changing international diplomacy, but which given this is the Trump White House, it feels like it's completely plausible that all the clocks are just wrong and no one's bothered to do anything about it Fake time. Yeah fake time all I'm saying is Andy

Don't be surprised if the White House Christmas decorations go up in August this year Two weeks now Focus Chris Jesus Christ Chris Chris has been ragging Andy all morning Presidibility to focus on the cricket and now he's waiting in with score updates Yeah, I've got to be I headed him off at the past. Harris the hell caught burst a bold word for 39. You're already new.

You're already, but he was fully aware. This is. I'm coming up. I'm not. I'm never a monk. Trump has also had a bit of a legal problem this week. He's been told by the court of America that he cannot block Twitter users who disagree with him or lamp hone him,

which is lucky, I guess, just in terms of the basic logistics of being president. Because he already wasted enough time on his up to 280 character verbal vomiting without having to also spend 38 hours a day blocking everyone who calls him the f***. The reason that was given was basically, the judge said,

this case requires us to consider whether a public official may consistent with the first amendment, block a person from his Twitter account. And I mean, Trump very much remains the unwanted penis in the yogurt pot of what American democracy, but even he must surely appreciate the delicious irony of the first amendment and 18th century piece of legislation being used to justify the use of technology from the modern age, all being a way that does not result in the deaths of innocent people.

It's successor and disappointing sequel the second amendment. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha had what is wrong with that? You're a crap. Nothing is wrong with it. Nish, our government has been criticized for not respecting the will of the people. Yeah. And here at last is a sign that they have taken this criticism on board, and are now pursuing the fantasy that we've been voted for. You cannot hand Lord democracy bruttles. We voted for an undefined, indefinable leap, via an unknowable future, back into a fictional past.

And our government, I've got to make that fantasy happen. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. It's the first time the will of the people has been respected at any point of this process if the government committed to unicorns for all. That could I mean that would have I reckon that would have led to a bloody landslide. In other referendum news, as we speak, Ireland is voting on a referendum to repeal the 8th amendment of its constitution, which effectively bans abortions in Ireland. I guess if you're not Irish, hard to understand quite what a massive issue this is. Yeah. In how are you voting, Nish? Oh, I'm voting yes. Right. Thanks to some really

elaborate Moscow based hackers I am getting a vote. I'm voting yes because I always find a way because I love democracy. I am voting yes, even though as a man from the Judeo-Christianicome was a LAMIC tradition, I firmly believe that the contents and behavior of other people's wounds are my business and my business alone. And on that basis, I'm prepared to pontificate on what I can. I only imagine is a heartbreaking moment in a woman's life and one of the most agonizing impossible decisions a human being ever has to make. For my superior, male perspective of being a whomless man whose worldview has not evolved in 2000 years.

That is my right. But I am voting yes, Nish, and I'll explain why, because I'm voting yes for the environment. I'll go on. Up till now, Irish women have had to fly to Britain to get abortion. Yeah. And I'm not comfortable with the carbon footprint. Absolutely not. Perhaps it's not that about his not God's will, Andy.

It's not. I mean, the emotional damage wreaks on women unable to decide their own futures and what to do with their own bodies. I'm comfortable with that. Yeah. I'm comfortable with that. That's all part of the aftermath of Eve stealing that card and of Apple juice from Pandora's lunchbox

for whatever it was that sported the ****ing planet. More on point scripture for this episode of the Bugle. Don't shoot the messenger people. And also, our university knowledge that the quantity of life is way more important than the quality of life on this planet. There are 7 billion plus people, but we only represent 0.01% of the entire biomass of this planet according to a report this week. So the more unwanted humans we produce, the better if you want to climb up that chart.

Bacteria is on 13%. Ha ha ha. Hornier little bastards. But the environment is a key factor for me niche so it's a yes. For me, I've not really understood why there's been any other argument because for the yes campaign surely the key argument is it's 2018. I think that would probably be a good starting point because I'm presuming that a lot of the no campaigners would go oh my god, it's 2008

I'm so sorry I thought it was 1862 and this thing was still acceptable. Right. Yeah, I mean, that's, yeah, that does put things in a slightly different perspective. Yeah, I mean, I'm not Irish, but I am a huge fan of the social group known as the women. And you know, I wish them well and all their endeavors around the world. And you know, I mean, I guess the thing is we're recording as the as this is happening so I guess Chris is a case of delete as appropriate so that was not the momentous event I was referring to

but I guess yeah I guess it's quite a question of Chris delete as appropriate so depending on the result it's either oh thank god everyone has seen sense or are you fucking kidding me? You fucking morons! What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you think your god wants you to punish women? Fuck off! Earlier in the campaign, there were warnings

that a yes vote could lead to extremist legislation. Right. And the Bishop of Derry asked what would happen next? Would it be the lawful killing of the elderly and infirm sure? I mean that is a very late term abortion. I mean it's the obvious logical conclusion, isn't it? That if you allow women to choose anything, then you end up murderously slaughtering old people.

Yeah, fair enough. But I've actually done a computer simulation niche and turns out that this is not likely to be the next result. Right. It's actually much more likely that it will move up gradually through the age brackets and killing the elderly. Well, it's a waste of effort, because there are no way out anyway. Yeah. And it's much more likely to lead to the lawful killing

of babies and children. Yeah. Just, you can't argue with the logic. You can't argue with facts, Andy. On the subjects, just mentioned above that human represent just 0.01% of all life in this survey. But have destroyed 83% of wild mammals. We're the moan, we're the moan. Take that, Darwin. We're like the minors.

This is like Lester City winning the Premier League. More so, I was done. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I think 14% of those at that 83% was on Teddy Roosevelt's post presidency tour about it. Oh, I'd like to return to that on the vehicle. He loved animals, Teddy Roosevelt. He particularly liked them when they were dead, mounted in a cabinet in a museum. I'm very worried about bacteria doing so. well. 13% of everything niche. Yeah. So, I mean, they're largely underground and they're excessive.

The more worrying statistic is that they're 95% of the Trump administration, aren't they? Boom! Slam dunk to funk! Take that, Donald. I may have been away, but my skills are sharp as ever. The study sort of revealed that the demographics of animals as we think of them might be a little bit off and the numbers of cows and chickens really outnumber

most of the other animals on this planet because of their role in the kind of farming and subsequently the meat industry. Professor Ron Milo, which let me just say phenomenal name, I'm not normally a fan of someone with two first names, but Ron Milo is an absolute jaffer. Ron Milo, the wise man, Institute of Science in Israel, who led the work said, When I do a puzzle with my daughter, there is usually an elephant next to a giraffe next to a rhino, but if I was trying to give them a more realistic sense of the world, it would be a cow next to a cow next to a cow and then a chicken. Now look, Ron, I don't want to tell you how to do your job here, but if you want to give them a realistic sense of the word

and you want to complete that picture, the cows and the chickens would be next to a slaughterhouse which was next to a McDonald's which was next to a Nando's. Which was next to Nish, shitting on a Peruvian mountain top. Nando, of course, the etymology is from the Latin verb Nando to consume moderate quality chicken damages. Nando, Nando, Nanchi, Nantem. It's good when you can say one coming. I saw, as I said that, I saw the ball traveling down and landing is a perfectly positioned half volley outside the off stump. Right.

And Salzman just creamed it through the covers. It's very similar to the one that Assad Sheffiq has just... Oh, the lovely... Oh, that's lovely. Oh, that's lovely. Oh, that's lovely. Well, it's got... I've got to use my degree niche.

Just... Yes. I was Latin verbs, I'm not going to make themselves up, mate. Um, any more. So, I mean, the big worry is plants are doing way too well. 82% of all living matter are plants. Very concerning. Yeah. If you have any respect for human life, just for you,

glist, you will go out and personally attack a tree. Attack a tree. Concrete something over. Concrete something over. This is a global race mission. We are losing big time On the subject of plants it's time for the bugle feature section now and it's been a Chelsea flower show in love of course And of course it has that is no way something that I just found out now this second

What a flower show. It's been controversial this year. Star Gardener in Persemus Grodge, the two-time winner of the Golden Trail, picked up a yellow card. Well, a pressed sunflower. In the quarterfinal after swearing at a bagonia in rival Gardener, Elsonora, Glamwick flocks strikingly death- death-themed exhibit. That included a hedge topierized into the shape of the Grimm Reaper, and an array of black carnations growing out of the rotting corks of a polar bear, heavily satirical garden. Grudge nevertheless made it through to the semi,

where he lost out to Rupert and Max brilliantly minimalist, fly-tipped electrical equipment with a single metaphorical tulip. It's been some hard-hitting stuff at the Chelsea Flash. But scarred by a big cheating scandal, Limbaugh Greenfingers Dremelion, a former Horticultural gangster responsible, of course, for the 1986 Q Gardens heist, in which he stole 230 rare trees

by pretending to be a tree surgeon but refusing to outpatient visits. Back in the Garden News again, after his award-winning giant talking labelia, a 1.9-meter whopper that could recite rhyming couplets about its pretty petals, turned out to be actor Hugh Grant in a labelia costume. It was a disqualified and a sex scandal, nish. Sex scandal at Chelsea Flower Show. Someone's been f***ing a hedge. and Lady Snutterbridge's garden, tried to get it horticulturally on with a hot-looking

looping in the adjoining plot. During family day, in front of the children, one distraught mother said, there was pollen everywhere, it was disgusting. He was waggling his stamen about in a suggestive manner, more appropriate to the 20th century, and she was no better. I'm sure she was letting the paparazzi get an up-pedal shot of her pistol. Honestly, my children were deeply offended. Randy Cohen, of course, was paid $100,000 by Michael Cohen. To the... LAUGHTER

A patty of the year, sponsored by the True Crime Channel. LAUGHTER Went to Eric the Mignite Monster Scranton, and after the thrilling dig it up, face Scranton celebrated wildly as he was bundled into a police fan to begin eight life sentences in Broadmore. 105 for two. Now, um, why didn't we record in the lunch break? Yeah, Chris, it was your fault.

You, you claimed you couldn't record from one till two. Is that because you are going to be a... It's actually because I am delivering a pitch about why children should listen to the radio. I'm not entirely sure about children listening to the radio to be honest, but when you put the news on in the morning... Oh God, yeah. I mean, I think that's the fastest I ever move is between the start of a news headline and switching the radio off to avoid my children being permanently scarred by the late human atrocity.

Can I quote that insight in the pitch? Yeah, please do, Chris. Please do. Hey, listen, it's a bold play for the host of a satirical weekly program to go, we need less news. We need less news. Less news or more child friendly news. A quick note to our British listeners under the new general data protection regulation that has thought and come to stop intruding in every nook and cranny of your digital life. Under the new regulations we're not allowed to

keep and treasure your data as we have so ruthlessly on the bugle for commercial exploitation purposes. That said, I know where you live. I'm talking to you right now, but you can't see me. but you can't see me. Your emails now, and this has come in from Nila, a bugle fan. Sorry, I'm off of this link. So that's actually signing. Your emails now, this has come in from Nila, who assigns off the email from Nila, a bugle fan and to be honest if you're emailing this show You are either a bugle fan or a dating website

Possibly the Republican party Addressing us as Dear Andy my husband and I will be attending the I'm getting the You Niela. Yes, the Will be attending the Bugle Live in London on the 5th of June Well, it's interesting you should mention that Niela that show will be featuring Alice Fraser and Tiffany Steven

So there's also a live Bugle on the 10th of July plus a live World Cup special satirists for higher show on the 5th of July Nish you'll be doing. I'll be right there. We will be, so do send your emails in on the World Cup and any related issues to satirize this at satirisfire.com. Also, live shows coming up at the Edinburgh Festival at the Leicester Square Theatre later in the year at the Lowry Theatre on the 7th of October. Great. And any others that don't need to plug Chris?

There's that music festival you your playing at Midnight. Oh yeah, the end of the road, the end of the road music festival at the Larmetry, in which there will be a live bugle at Midnight in the woods. Oh my God. Featuring me and Alice. Surely the logical conclusion of this is bugling at Midnight in the woods. I mean, that does have a slight touch of the dodgy cult.

It's absolutely fair to us to the show. It is a bit of a dodgy cult, as my Wikipedia page can attest. Anyway, Neilar continues. So, to all of those shows, details on the Bugle website. Neilar says, although I have the same reactions to your pun runs as Chris the producer and former bugle host Johnny Shobby's, I find myself requesting a very specific pun run. You see I was born in London to an Irish mother and a Pakistani father making me half Irish, half Pakistani and 100% British. That's a solid 200%. Solid, 200%. My sister and I were raised to support Ireland and

Pakistan in the international sporting events as the two countries rarely met on the sports field Life was therefore simple We supported Pakistan and cricket in Ireland in rugby and football however as I'm sure you know Ireland have recently become a test cricket side Which is unquestionably the most important thing to happen to Ireland this much Whatever happens in the aforementioned referendum and life is suddenly much more complicated Particularly as they paid their first five-day test match against Pakistan.

So despite my better nature, I'm requesting that you do some sort of island-V Pakistan pun run at the live bugle show next month. Consider that pun run commissioned. Do not encourage him. What are you all thinking? Put a cork in it. Oh, well, Andy's got a look on his face as if to say,

well, that's line one. Right, I mean, I don't know if that was caught I mean a pun as in cork the plate in Ireland or Dominic cork the former Go either way Well, it looks like these puns are already doubling. Yep Don't fight don't don't you can't fight it nish. I know I can't fight it. It's not my sweep over you like a wave It's like a contagion. So do come along to that, that's a show on the 5th of June at London's other belly. D for the whole live shows at thebeaglepodcast.com. PSU, Chris. CUNILA, CUNILA.

Can I just say, for the record, I'm already dreading how Andy gets Lahore into this pond. Just for the record. Sport, Nish, you are the beautiful sports correspondent and coming up this weekend is the Champions League final. Yeah, the Champions League final in which according to various people on Twitter, I will be playing. Yes. Due to the a similar attitude, there's been pointed out to me by at least 600,000 people over the last 12 months, that I... They're a passing resemblance to Liverpool's strike of Mo Salah.

Yes. To the extent that I always know when Mo Salah was scored, because somebody tweets me and Mo Salah, saying, well done on scoring mate. And the thing is, Mo Salah's had an extraordinary season and he's one of the reasons why I think Liverpool are probably going to win. I think that, you know, he's a record-breaking goal-scoring season. I think he scored the most goals in a 38 game Premier League season. It's extraordinary run. And, you know, he's being celebrated as one of all the footballer of the year awards here. He's being celebrated as being a player on a par with Messi and Ronaldo.

And what I really enjoy is that throughout this kind of historic record-breaking season, there have just been points where he's just been sat there looking at his phone going, who the f*** is niche coma? And in other sports news, somewhat depressing news, depressingly predictable news coming out of the National Football League in America. The NFL have announced a new policy to prevent players from protesting during the National Anthem. Teams will be fined if any player kneels on the field during the Anthem. Any player refuses to stand will be allowed to remain in the locker room,

but if you do kneel, you are going to get fined. And this is the thing with the National Football League that they don't understand. You cannot stop the power of protest. You're fighting against a movement that has defined empires here. So it's not going to help. And I have a suggestion, a lot of people are suggesting that black players should simply go on strike.

I've got a better suggestion. Go on the field, stand, and fart through the entire National Anthem. Just absolutely unload. And I'm sorry if that sounds disrespectful, but frankly, if the people in charge of American football are gonna show scant regard for the basic values of the American constitution,

I see no reason why players should not be guffing their way through the national anthem. It is time to take matters into their own hands and anuses. And I mean, we also hear people saying sport and politics should not mix. No, you should know that has. But if you're going to say that, then you should also say sport and economics should not mix in which case the whole of the frontage of professional sport will collapse. And also, you know, this is particularly when it comes to international sports, our sport and politics should not make... When you are representing a country,

that is already political. Yes, that is a political... I believe it's not political. Yeah, I'd also, if sport and politics don't mix, stop playing the f***ing national anthem at every f***ing game. Yes. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Anyway, that brings us towards the end of this week's bugle. Thank you very much for listening. Don't forget to come to all of the live shows with all of your friends and family details online. Anish and I will also be in Edinburgh at the festival, as we'll Alice Fraser and Anu Vab Pal. Great. So yeah, I've got a tour on sale as well, which I need to promote to you to the fact that I Promote said can you do something other than one tweet about it?

So my my tour tickets are on sale. They're on my website nishkumar.co.uk There's a chunk of them that happening in September that are available now But before you all tweet me angrily there will be more dates for 2018, for 2019. What year is it 2018? What year is it? Like the guy at the beginning of the term, yeah. So there will be more tour dates. Also for UK, I think I might have said this before, but if I haven't, for people in the UK, the first series of the travel program that I've talked about quite extensively on the bugle is now available on Netflix in the UK. It's called Joel and Ish versus the World,

so you can see some of the stuff. I mean, if you see the Brazil episode and see what happens, and then in your head realize that I was bugling less than 12 hours after I've overbacked the country, you'll understand my commitment to this podcast. Thank you very much for listening, Bugle is as we speak, 118. you