The Bugle - Bugle 4070 – Tit for Tat

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Andy and Alice look at Ukrainian 'assassinations', Trump's trade deals and dachshunds. Plus WORLD CUP AUDIO PULLOUT!With@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 4,070 of the Bugle the World's single Reliable Source of 100% Reliable Anti-Truth in a universe of confusingly self-proclaimed fact. I am Andy Zoltzmann and if I had a pound for every time someone has asked me for the secrets of how my hair looks so am. Sorry, this is a podcasting. The how my hair sounds so amazing every single week on this show. I will be a very rich man indeed. Joining me today is the woman who last I my Sora was about 20 feet tall on a massive screen in Seattle rummaging through the contents of my shed during the recent Bugle Live show,

I will have my vengeance in this life all the next. It's Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello Bugleers. I am normal sized again, very disappointed to be so. Yes, it must be hard to come down from that. I quite enjoyed being a giant human being. I think I always think of myself as bigger than I am. Right.

I thought of the way to disappoint me to find myself the same size as I always have been. You can buy, you could try using a some kind of massive prism that just you carry a large prism with you, it would make you seem considerably larger than you are. I could, but if I got to the wrong angle on the sun that would be toast for Fraser. Oh yeah, life comes fraught with risks. Anyways, nice to be in the same room and consonant as you, this time, and without you, be able to delve into my filing cabinet and remove my deepest darkest family secrets.

Later on, in this week's Bugal, one, two, three, four, wait a clare, trade war, plus, inflatable dogs, and would Jesus use a flying donkey or a four-legged airplane if it was massarring it up today? And the world exclusive Bugle World Cup preview supplement, including part one, of your must have audio World Cup wall charts. But first, as always, I'm sections of this audio newspaper going straight in the bin this week, an economic section in which we tell you the latest pagan incantations to try to control

the global financial markets, including EGA, Amnaut, EGA, Forel. That is a new way of regulating income inequality in a free market economy. And Doug fell at a drink-align glook that reduces corporate tax evasion. Do try those while sacrificing some auctions, if I were you, or setting fire to something on a solstice. It probably won't work but it has a good chance of anything that's been currently tried. And also in the bin a show biz spats supplements. Well Alice I know you're as much a fan of rap as me. So you've probably been absolutely engrossed by the current spat between push a T and Drake. Oh Andy I think our love of rap is curtailed by the current spat between Pusha T and Drake.

Oh Andy, I think our love of rap is curtailed by the fact that neither of us can really wear backwards caps because then the frizzy hair comes out the side and makes us look like a maniac. But other than that, I mean it's a live sleep and dream rap. Pusha T and Drake to my favorite current rap artists. They've been involved in a big tease. Big shot with SPAT. Pusha T, of course, so-called, because his days as a professional golfer cut short by his tendency to push his T-shots into the rough on the right hand side of the fair whilst Drake chose his moniker, because he wants Sanker pedlo boats on a holiday in Spain. Currently the big SPAC in the world of rap. And I would tell you what it's all about, but I only read the first paragraph of the article. But of course this is absolutely nothing new. Ship big show with SPATS, particularly not in the world of rap and hip hop. In the 1990s,

hip hop legends Sniffy Kay and Vile Quinks, both were some of the life fans from the World CranGreed Bowls Championships after a spactor. We got at the opening ceremony of the 1997 Championships when in the All Star Celebrity Game descended into overt gunfire when Sniffy K, real name Kenneth Hodgkinson, accused Vile Clinks, real name Ian Splint of moving the Jack with his foot and it all broke down into scenes of horrific mayhem. Also going further back, brother Timothy and brother Emmanuel huge stars on the Gregorian chanting scene in the mid-11th century. Reportedly they had to each other's cowards off Alice, the latter famously describing the former as a vinegar voiced waste of a good casak before Timothy hit back by chanting

that Emmanuel had a tiny willy and didn't even like that much. And also, Paul McCartney, the one-time beetle. Famous rapper? Not a rapper. Not as if they're all rap, he's just, you know, showbiz, showbiz spats. Paul McCartney, the ex-beatle.

He has had a long-running tiff with long-dead Dutchutch painter Peter Broigel the Elder, whom he thinks would nick the idea for his smash hit 1565 painting The Hunters in the Snow, from an unreleased song that McCartney the Liver Pudley and Crune stole recorded with John Lennon in 1961 called Bang Bang Brackets Winter Animal Death Carnage. Anyway, that's fortunately. Oh, what is another big spat, Kerry Granton, Kerry Mulligan, really do not get on the old fellow resents, the young female actress being still alive. And like him, well, she thought his acting was unnecessarily stilted, even allowing for

the different production values of the time. Anyway, that's celebrity show with sp spat section is going in the bin. We're recording this on Friday, the 1st of Offred. Is that all right? On this day in 1812, the US President James Madison asked Congress to declare war on the United Kingdom, appalling behavior. Absolutely appalling behavior. Madison running to Congress, a little squilla, declare war on us yourself, your five foot forage. Sure, it's our excuse, I'm a president. That was

two hundred and six years ago today, the War of 1812, result low scoring draw after a prolonged period of extra time in 1813, 1814 and 1815. In 1974 on a stay the Heinleck Manuva was launched for rescuing choking victims. There was an article published in the Journal Emergency Medicine cracking read that. Previous to the hunt. The shame it only comes out once a month. read that. Uh, previous to the hunt. The shame it only comes out once a month. Yeah. I guess that's one of the benefits of the internet. You

don't have to like frantically rifle through your back catalogue. Quick quick subscribe to a magazine he's bleeding out. Previous to the home menu with the accepted medical practice for choking victims was to turn the victim upside down, get them to

open their mouth and then send a ferret up there as obviously. And that had only a 13% success rate. Support for the bugle is brought to you by Simply Safe, home security, done rights. Simply Safe is really discreet and hard to notice. Windows and doors are comprehensively protected. It's cheap and contract free.

Learn more about how Simply Safe can help protect your home, go to SimplySafe.com. SlashBugle. That is SimplySafe.com. SlashBugle. Top story this week. Well, it has been a dramatic week on this renowned planet of ours. All manner of exciting goings on, trade wars, fight deaths. Europe basically voting itself to the very precipice of oblivion, but Alice, you have found these single most important story in the universe for us as are most important story in the universe correspondent. Yes, Andy, strap yourselves in, tie your hair on in sausage dog news now.

Trevor, the terrific Ducks Fund, has made news headlines for being a tiny dog who suddenly blew up like a balloon, but luckily didn't explode. Pfff. The background of the story is his owners were used to him being one size, which was tiny, and then they were quite alarmed when he mysteriously ballooned to three times his tiny size, still quite small, bigger than it should have been. Doctors don't know how it happened. Vets used X-rays to determine that Trevor had punctured his windpipe, which caused his small

body to feel with air, and he was admitted to a vet group for emergency care. So what happened was the injury caused an abnormal collection of air under the skin, and he blew up, really putting the sh into duck's hunt. Normally an accident like this the air would sort of absorb on its own but Trevor needed immediate help and so the vets cut a hole in him in order to deflate him and stop him filling up with air on every breath. Now everyone in my news feed is circulating this like it's a cute story but it is a horrifying story. What the fuck is wrong with literally everybody? I know this is a terrible thing. You can breathe your own skin off like a nightmare balloon.

I'm gonna have dreams forever about people flying inflated dogs through the park on leads with the other, there's, yappy little rat dogs coming at you at head height. They already think they're hot shit. They're not. They're tiny inbred disappointment wolves who free-ride on human beings Infinite appetite for us licking sick of fans We just keep them round to prop up our self-esteem by loving us unconditionally and in return We cut their balls off and thumbworm tablets into their bottoms according to pharmacy instructions I mean it is a harrowing story but at the same time Dog inflated like a balloon.

I mean, what are you walking with, Errish? It's a horrifying Zeppelin scenario. It's just, oh, oh, the dog manity. Well, I mean, it does suggest that there could be some military application for this if you used a helium or even a hydrogen instead of regular air to inflate the top. No, there's so many possibilities, Andy, and they're all terrifying.

Right. I mean, the dog's owner, Jessica, told the BBC, his head and neck all merged into one. So he was just like a super fat seal. Well, I mean, two points here. One, quit the interspecies body shaming. Seals can live how they want to live. Yes, there's nothing wrong with being. In fact, it's beneficial if you're a seal to be on the large side, bearing in mind prevailing meteorological conditions and water temperature. And also, his

head and neck almost into one. So he was just like a super fat seal. I'm pretty sure that's a direct quote from the book of revelations. Are you saying Jesus to ballooned that the nails introduced this scenario and his? Well, they could have done. Maybe that's why it's so funny. We're in so much trouble Andy. If God exists, we're so f***ed. Yeah, we're given the state of the planet anyway, you might as well take your chances with the almighty as well. Anyway, if you have ever deliberately or otherwise inflated a sausage dog, please do contact us at hellobueglarsatthebueglpodcast.com. What kind of interaction are you expecting from that?

At least we know where they are so we can watch out if they're coming at us. Certainly if they did it on purpose we want to know who and where they are. Yes. I mean I'm not advocating the inflation of sausage dogs. It sounded a lot like you were advocating the inflation of sausage dogs. If you had witnessed an inflated sausage dog I would like to know what happened and how you dealt with the situation in a humane way. Ukraine journalism news. And well, this is one of the great stories of all time. Our Cardi Babchenko, the Russian journalist, and Putin critic, and therefore, if we may add those

two twos together to make the four of Manu hasn't bothered taking out a pension because realistically what's the f***ing point. He did one of the most spectacular faking his own assassinations in the history of humanity. I mean the football World Cup has not even started and already people are hurling themselves to the ground protecting us we way more injured than they actually are. And Babchenko went down very convincingly this week and to be further ref bought it. And by the ref, I mean, the entire world who reported his death as the fact that it soon proved not to be because he went full in on this,

this fake death. He went public shooting four shots to the back of the head. This puts Tom Cruise doing his own stunts into perspective. It does. And also, I mean, you've got to admire the lengths he went to this. I mean, understanding whether or not it was a good thing, a sensible thing, or an act of purest idiocy, I guess we'll let history be the judge of that. But he didn't even tell his wife.

So yeah, he emerged at a police press conference on Wednesday afternoon in front of journalists who had been expecting updates on the investigation into his murder. So they had been expecting some updates into his, like this is a showman right here. Like this is like a punked Ukraine death version. Like this is a terrifying thing to do to your friends who were all their colleagues, were all there. He apologized to the journalists for the mad fake out. And he also said, special apologies to my wife. Yes, I mean, I hope there were very special apologies. He said, there was no other option, which I don't believe is strictly accurate Alex, because I believe there was another option that was

to tell his wife rather than not tell his wife that his death was not actually real. Maybe she's a very bad fake cryer. Oh that is possible I guess. I mean she could have, I don't know, just gone from afternoon out in the woods or something, but he could have asked her very nicely not to go splurting about it on Instagram. I might imagine she'd have been okay with that, but that's, I mean, that's gonna put strain on a relationship, isn't it? If at any point in the future,

either of them, you know, suspects the other one of not being entirely honest with the other, then that's quite a big piece of evidence you can dig out from a back catalogue isn't it? Yeah like if my brother is late to lunch I replace him with a new brother within about 15 minutes that's That Genko said that he'd watched news of his own death whilst in a mortuary I mean that's the last place you expect to be watching yourself on the television

I mean not for me obviously the last place I expect to be watching yourself on the television. I mean, not for me, obviously, the last place I expect to be watching myself on the television is in the United Kingdom. But for most people, it would be a mortuary. They used pig's blood as well, which I mean, I think if you can, it's not good. If you're going to pretend to assassinate yourself, at least you want to, you know, try and do it in a, in a, in a Kau Sure and allow way just, just to be on the safe side. I, I feel very sorry for the other corpses in that mortuary, they're going to be super jealous. Yes, I mean, he's, yeah, I mean, they've got to be some disappointed families. Like, morning there recently deceased when, oh, Cardi Babchenko sits up out of...

There's the tag off his toe and says, DADDADD! Not dead! That is, I mean, it's just like he has just sat down and watched too many episodes of a daytime soap opera. Like, pursuing this line of reasoning, he's just gonna next up, he's gonna be acquiring Amnesia and even in Evil Twin, a cliffhanger season finale, House Fire, and a shocking twist that'll be back after the break. Like, what else is he want? The pig's blood angle I was not comfortable with. Because I mean for a start it's lucky that he wasn't, because the thing is there were

genuine threats on his life. So it could have been that he was actually assassinated at the same time as faking his own assassination. At which point there had been pigs blood everywhere, which would have been then very awkward for the family, having to say to the well they ran a DNA test at the autopsy, that is real father, is a pig, it's really not the way I wanted to fire this out darling. I think there are always some positives from these stories and it's hard to know how this will aggravate the political tension, stroke, war between Russia and the Ukraine. But I think this could well be the future of assassinations because essentially

this has got all the benefits of assassinating someone. It gets all the media coverage for 24 hours, but without the ethical awkwardness of having committed murder. So, I mean, I would like to see all future assassinations just done as a 24 hour joke. But I mean... They need to get Ashton Kuturian as a consultant. I mean, it's not often you hear those words, and rightly so, but maybe you've got a point. BAB CHENCO Of course, Arkady Babchenko is not the first man to come back surprisingly from the dead

and make a big song and dance about it for the media. His predecessor in this field, Jesus Christ, well, one of his big fans, Jesse DuPlanthus, the American televangelist, has told the world that Jesus would not be riding a donkey if we were around today, as a justification for asking his followers to stomp up over $50 million. So do planters can buy another private jet, his fourth budget? I mean, he's 100% right. Jesus rides reindeer and delivers coal to naughty children. What the bull flipping nuts X is going on in the US media-based church substitutes right now?

It means he, this is such a bananas thing to say, hey, he hasn't read the Bible. This is what this indicator has read the Bible. This is what this indicator is. He hasn't read the Bible. He's also somehow avoided ever seeing a nativity scene or hearing a Christmas Carol or talking to anybody about anything ever. Jersey Deplanta said God told him to buy a Falcon 7x

for $54 million, saying it would help him to fulfill his mission of preaching to as many people as possible conveniently forgetting the existence of the internet. Yeah, by a fucking router. Yeah, no, Jen only Jen is the fastest faster than the internet. He doesn't know how fast the internet goes because his computer keeps getting trashed by Trojan viruses from porn websites. His assistant keeps accidentally clicking on ads for. God told him, apparently, and this is a direct quote from God, via Jesse Duplantis.

I didn't ask you to pay for it. I asked you to believe for it. Hence, his followers have to pay for it. I think that's the logic. And, well, I'm just interested that God should have spoken directly to Jesse Duplantis on the subject of buying a private jet, because he's pretty sparing with his words these days, the Almighty Lord, and chose a slightly odd time to pop out of retirement. I mean, he didn't he didn't come out and tell people to stop killing each other, I didn't call for the fairer distribution of the world for the world. He didn't even clarify that on reflection, he's really not that fuss about what people do and don't eat, he's just a fan of the latest

fads in food hygiene. No, he broke his silence to tell a TV evangelist to buy a f***ing airplane. This just just further evidence that Gold has lost his age, arguably lost his marbles, and he should quit. He just doesn't have a finger on the pulse anymore, with all due respect. There's some great work in the early days, the first six days, in particular, coasting since then.

I'm going to counter this argument by saying Mr. Duplandas has a point. In 2015, he appeared in a video with another preacher Kenneth Copeland in which they described traveling on commercial airlines as being, quote, in a long tube with a bunch of demons. And I've flown from Australia, Andy, and I can guarantee and confirm that they are 100% correct. That is exactly what it's like being in an airplane. So maybe the bugle listener should buy me an airplane. Do you plan to explain that Jesus would not have used his trademark donkey today?

Had he been around? Quotes, he'd be on an airplane preaching the gospel all over the world. Now I'm not much of an expert on these things, Alice, but I don't think of Jesus who around today. He would probably use YouTube and spend most of his time blocking people on Twitter. He was questioning his validity and parenting in rather unbiblical language. And also I think Jesus is the kind of guy. I mean, he seemed like a nice guy. Very concerned about his carbon footprint, I reckon, if he'd been around today, especially given that unlike most people, he would even leave a carbon footprint on a lake. And if you have travel by it, I think he wouldn't have gone for a private jet.

He'd gone for a budget airline because they too, very much like him, very adept at turning tiny bits of actual food into so-called meals for many, many people. In other inflatable ducks who news now, Venezuela's currency inflation has broken through the coveted 25,000% barrier, where it is now more expensive to have money than any money you have. Money is now worth minus twice itself and nobody knows what's anything, what anything's worth anymore. It's just, it's absolutely insane. The suffering of the people is compounded by the fact that nobody knows what anything will buy from day to day. It's almost like instead of being backed by a solid base like a gold standard or sterling

or the honor of a good man, their currency rests on the word of a self-indulgent madman who talks to birds and is also out of touch with reality. Well, this would be the president, Nicholas Maduro, who recently won another six years in power in Venezuela. How did he win that? Well, in free and fair democratic election. That's not everyone has completely described as free and fair. I think he's fair to say with Maduro. He's that authoritarian socialism is a brand

that has been tainted by history and he's not really helping cure that taint. No, he's sort of almost like when a guy asks you out on a date and tells you that he's in recovery from some addictions and you go, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and then he does all of the things including stealing your bed and laptop. Right. I'll take your word for that, Alice.

It's never happened to me, but I've got a fertile imagination. So if you're listening to this in Venezuela with inflation at 25,000% plus. It means that if you're listening to this episode now, it's free, but if you listen to it again, just eight minutes, 30 seconds later, it would cost you 799 pounds plus tax. That's a lot of money, Andy. I mean, it's a lie, but... The pause stands.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. We should point out that Alice is struggling through this effort of the bugle, having been assaulted by an army of Welsh bedbugs. I had to decontaminate myself before letting myself touch London. I didn't want to be the plague Mary. I went to Wales and got bitten, I'm covered in bites. This is a terribly, I, I've come from Australia, Andy. I've never been bitten by anything in Australia ever and I come here to your apparently meek and mild country And now I look like the hunchback of Notre Dame

Not there's anything wrong with that But it's not how I expect to look and it's certainly not how I expect to itch and I kind of want to blow my own skin off like a dark sun at this point. In global trade war news now, Donald Trump got a little bit bored this week, took some time out from his hectic schedule of pardoning convicted criminals for no good reason, to slap some massive trade tariffs, 25% on steel from the EU and Canada and Mexico, 10% on aluminium to pronounce it correctly, America. And the rest of the world has reacted with a mixture of disgust and resignation, that this kind of thing is kind of inevitable these days.

And as the old saying goes, in the world of international commerce, you cannot spell fundamentally wrong-headed economic attack on your closest allies without a f**k you all. To be fair to America, they do have to be raising more money to pay for all those red cloaks and white headdresses that They're obviously stockpiling But I mean does it really make sense? Economically these tariffs on steel and aluminium imports surely more sense would be some kind of global tax on the sensation of a deep-seated Unies about the future of humanity

Which ironically would be self-defeating because if there was enough international cooperation To achieve agreement on how to implement that tax people around the world would relax and think maybe things can be okay after all. America, I would Trump keep saying what a bad deal America has had from the world, what with the socially ruinous policies on the healthcare, foisted on it by powerful lobby groups in Botswana and Bangladesh. And it's tragically unhealthy national diet, force fed down its throat by the greedy subsistence farmers in Sub-Saharan Africa. And of course, it goes without saying that America's willfully self-destructive attitude towards firearms, its logic-defined commitment to slow environmental

suicide, and its self-cannibalizing political system are all the direct results of some international agreement or other about installing toilets and schools in famine zones. America has had it tough Alice and now it's hitting back big time. Trump plays economics like my family used to play monopoly with just an absolute disregard for the actual written down rules and sort of a vague hope that it all makes sense in the end. We used to steal money out of each other's banks and it would always end up in a fist fight, which I'm worried is what's going to happen now if by fist you mean nuclear warheads. Well, surely that's a far more realistic version of Monopoly anyway,

if you want to recreate the workings of business. Canada has not taken this lying down. They have slapped tariffs on amongst other things. Yoggots, soy sauce, strawberry jam and quiche. That is fusion food, gone mad. As well as orange juice, soups, manicure and pedicure products. They're now taxing American manicure. I don't know if that's just a confuse. The USA toilet paper that sends out a very strong message to America that's that Canada will not even wipe their arses with your isolationist bog roll, as well as inflatable boats, lawn mowers and sleeping bags. The three key components of a bid to escape America across the border into Canada.

I cannot wait for a world in which inflatable boats become a status symbol and rappers start bouncing down the street in them. China has also said that it will stand up for itself and it does seem like China and the USA are now at each other's throats like two top surgeons in a one against one emergency track, the autonomy competition. If I may quote myself from many years ago. And this is turning into a tit for tat tariff scandal. Literally, tit for tat China is slapping a 35% levy on American Silicon breast implants.

What's the USA is working a 45% import duty on Chinese made tattoo ink. There's some doubt over whether Trump will actually go through fully with these tariffs, because the Trumpian tactic is often to begin negotiations. By, for example, saying he's going to stand by your living room window where this trousers down, grinding his naked groin against the glass while you're all trying to watch the telly, then inevitably he will row back from that somewhat extreme opening position so that eventually you reach a deal and find yourself thinking, well, he's only dangling his tojus through the letterbox, this could have been so much worse. That is from his book, The Art of the Deal Chapter

8. Your emails now, and we had this come in from David Michael John. Thank you, pardon. Who? The three names or two? Well, it's approximately two. That's the 21st century, you never know. And he sent us a link to the story of Kim Jong Un and the South Korean leader meeting in a bid to salvage the talks with the US. And he writes, I don't mean to imply causality, but the news below occur just minutes after a pair of bugle socks were spotted in North Korea. And he sent us a photo of himself while on the tour of the demilitarized zone,

that took, in which he went to the joint security area and was in a conference room that straddles the North South Korean border. And he is wearing bugle socks on the North Korean side of that border. As we left he said a special convoy quote came in shutting down all tours for the rest of the day, so that is the power of the bugle sock. Andy, I don't know how I feel about that. I genuinely don't know. I mean, I feel itchy about it, but I feel itchy about everything, but I think I feel itchy in my soul about it. I feel, I mean, on one hand, what a great privilege to be associated with socks in North Korea, but also who's listening to us, Andy? Like, other real serious, there's real serious people in real serious places listening to this bullshit, Andy, we need to reassess our approach

Well, how many if just if you listen to it backwards, it's all got absolutely rigorous solutions to world problems Can just find out how many listeners we have in North Korea. You like please do well, we briefly had one Do they have electricity in North Korea? Are they listening on hand cranked iPods? This email came in via the physical form of a postcard. I think it counts as an email because it's a 21st century and if you say postcard, youngsters won't know what you're talking about. So I'll call it an email even though it was written on a card. Dear Bugle Lords and ladies, please accept an honor of the impending one year to go aversory till the GB crashes out of the EU.

This clear example of a cock and some stupendous balls on display for any bugle to see who cares to visit this gallery. Now this is from the University of East Anglia and it is an artifact from over 2,000 years ago in Ecuador. It continues. So let's salute the prescient Ecuadorian mudsmith who made it tin hats on to the linklanders, all hell to the bugle, a cockadoodle do from,

what's that name, Merrill? I think it says Merrill, yeah. From Stansford in Essex. How would you describe this, Alice? This is a, okay, let's describe it from the top down, like cleaning a cupboard. The top of it is like the top of a vase. Can you clean the cupboards? I can clean everything. There's a spout, like a spout, and then there's a handle, one end of which attaches to the spout, the other end of which attaches to what looks like a parrot head or potentially a foreshortened flamingo head. Then there is the body of a bird. And

then the bird seems to have either terrible club feet, three of them, two boba's club feet and a large ball sack, or three equidistant... And that's the original version of the 12 days of Christmas Enders. Or three, equidistant penises that have swallowed up its legs somehow. It's described as whistling bottle as a bird on eggs or pods, which sounds like a crossword. Oh, eggs. Could be eggs? Anyway, there you go.

Do keep sending in the postcards. This reached us at the studio where you were accorded. Could I give out the address, Chris? Sure, I mean, in no way was I creeped out by already getting that letter. Before having given out the address. I admire that level of research. We did more bugle postcards at something else. We recorded at the something else studio in London, if you're that keen, you can find it on the internet.

Something spelled wrongly. You know, we have no downloads from North Korea. No downloads at all. No, we have, and it's like, we reach some important countries. We even get some downloads in Libya. Right. In the last quarter, we've had 26 downloads

from the Holy Sea. All right. We've had 20 from Tajikistan. There you go. We've had 10,000 from Saudi Arabia. Breaking news, the Pope listens to the bugle. That's why he's so happy. That's why he's such a chill Pope, Andy.

Yeah. Why? Where we should get him on? Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I mean, go to one of his, um, he does those big gigs, doesn't he, uh, in St Peter Square? Do they let women near him or are they worried?

They feel contaminated. I put these like bed bugs. Contaminate a pope. Before we get to the, uh, Bugle's exclusive World Cup pullout section, a quick reminder that there is a bugle live show this coming Tuesday, the 5th of June at the underbelly on London's South Bank. There's also another show on the 10th of July and I'm doing a satirist for higher World Cup

special at the underbelly on the 5th of July. This week's bugle on Tuesday features Alice and Tiff Stevenson details on the internet do come along. Tiff Stevenson details on the internet do come along. World Cup section now and Alice it's now just two weeks until the football World Cup kicks off. Or as I like to call it balls balls balls. In Russia the spiritual home of football in 2018. And I mean, what more appropriate country could there be for a World Cup run by an organisation that has devoted itself with an almost biblical level of enthusiasm to the art of corruption? Despite that, there is some football. And I'm not,

as much of a football fan as I used to be in my younger days but I still love the World Cup more the idea of it than the actuality but here it is the Bugle World Cup section including a Bugle World Cup audio wall charts so here's the World Cup audio wall chart cut out and paste together all the audio clips you need for a full record of the 2018 FIFA World Cup to start with this week. We're giving you the scores. NIL. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Seven. Just in case, England. The Germany. Russia.

This is just for you, Alex. Australia. Oh, that is... You're really familiar to me when I was a kid, Dad, and I let us watch the cricket or the news. And finally, the final audio sticker for your World Cup World Cup, Sweden. The other 27 teams will follow at some point over the next decade. I mean, Andy, you were making fun of Venezuela for inflation. I think that your sense of how funny funny Anthony is might be above the 250,000%

month. Well, that history be the judge of that. I'm not judging you. You're talking to a woman who just spent 45 minutes boiling around her pants on a stove. So in other elements are a World Cup pullout section. There's a competition. Do you want to breed a world-class footballer? Then here's your chance with the exclusive winner

vile of spermatozoes from the World Cup's top scorer. The winner of the Golden Boot will provide a test tube of his reproductory tattletadle poles for you to imperfectate the over-age of your choosing. You simply have to answer this question correctly. Is this handball inside or outside the penalty box? Do send your answers to us in whatever format you choose. Now it's time for an in-depth guide to all the assistant referees who will be partially officiating at the matches. We get to know the real men behind the natty little uniforms running up and down the side of the pitches. And are we looking

particular at three of the top assistant referees in World Football, Climidio Pleplescu from Romania? likes waving a little flag running up and down in the confined space next to a straight line and being shouted at by thousands of furious people, dislikes, war, famine, pestilence and death. Honda Ribbius Squalchino from Ecuador, terrific, consistent referee, favourite pastime, judging whom a football lost touch before it went across the line, least favourite place to be, anywhere that is not squeezed between the stand of a stadium and a football pitch.

And Wustoszlusz Szpryszkowski of Poland, biggest fear in life, not being able to express an opinion through the use of a flag and favourite phrase, that was marginal, but I think he got it right. My favourite phrase to use on a date, Andy. FIFA is a very interesting organisation. We'll be looking at FIFA through the course of the tour, because we all know what the two F stand for. We'll just take those as red. But what do the I and the A mean? We will invest to get and find out whether it's supposed to be spelled assholes or assholes. We look at the formations teams are going to be adopting at this World Cup. Many sports these days like to mind the expertise of successful people from other sports in England,

the England football team have been having consultations and training with the very successful team GB Olympic rowing squad and are rumoured to be considering facing Tunisia in their opening game with a new 11111111111 formation with the manager sitting in a special little pit behind one of the goals shouting, kick, kick, kick. France rumoured to be harnessing their national obsession with Grand Tour Cycling and utilizing a peloton of around 150 footballers to guide star-forward untwung resmen towards the proximity of the goal before letting him spring out and smack it into the net.

Whilst four time champions Italy will be lining up in a 0-0-0 formation after failing to qualify. And we, I'm as sad about that as they are. It's not a real world, not a real world cup without Italy. Grinding out a couple of nil nil. I can tell you my football strategy. You're on the most that Alice. Unfailingly successful football strategy is going to the park, insisting that the bigger

boys play with you until you can fall over the ball in a heap of tears and someone gives you cake. That is, well, every time, every time. There will be full and world exclusive coverage of the World Cup. We are the only media outlet that will be reporting on the scores and matches during the course of the tournament. So, do tune in over the next few weeks, including we will exclusively reveal halfway through July, who's won? Thank you for listening, Buegler's. Don't forget the live Buegler show, this coming Tuesday, the 5th of of June at London's underbelly with Alice and Tiff Stevenson. Many other live bugle shows coming out through the summer all details on our website, the buglepodcast.com. You can hear Alice on many podcasts, Tee with Alice and the troll,

what's the, tell us the troll one again. Okay, so Tee with Alice, I talk about difficult ideas with interesting people. Troll play is where I take the manure of the internet and turn it into the flowers of joy. We warm our hands at the binfire of hatred that is the internet. And it's me and Kel Wilson and Sammy Shah. And it's a lot of fun. It's very silly. It's sort of gross, but very on-brand. So, why is it just looking for horrific things people have said on the internet? Well, there's two segments. The first for horrific things people have said on the internet.

Well, as two segments, the first one is our favourite internet interaction of the week, so someone's come at me offering something in a friendly or aggressive manner, and the second segment is an internet plug hole of the week, and that is where it gets incredibly interesting. You will not believe what Mum's net will talk about. So, we'll be back next week with a live view from the underbelly. See you all there. Until next time, Beauty-Glaze. Goodbye.

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