The Bugle - Bugle 4071 – Whale of a Time

Episode Date: June 8, 2018

Andy is joined by Tiff Stevenson and Alice Fraser to look at the latest news, including Where's Melania? Who cares about pollution? Who should apologise for calling who a what? And, what's a suitable campaign for a cosmetics company?Recorded live at Underbelly Festival in LondonWith@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@tiffstevenson@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBugle podcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. There it is, live it in three dimensions.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Please welcome Andy Salzmann. Hello. Thank you. Hello, butlers Thank you for coming Thank you and welcome welcome to the bugle live. How are you all? Good. I do hope you're more specific than that when you go to see the doctor. How are you feeling?

And welcome to the book've got quite a dim screen, Echris. I don't control lights. You don't, well, you f**king should, mate. So this is the new high tech bugle we are at this moment. This is the future, a big, fairly visible screen. This is doubling up as issue 4,071 of the bugle of the world's leading at only audio newspaper for a visual world. And in this week's edition, we will be looking at whether Britain's economy post-Brexit will be funded by selling Prince Williams' excess royal children on the dark web. At a current estimated value of $170 billion per certified prince,

and up to $500 billion for a good quality princess, can Britain really afford to spurn the one part of its manufacturing sector that is currently actually f**king working? And we ask the question in the light of Brexit, is reducing politics to oversimplified binary decisions right or wrong. Thank you, right? This is Tuesday, the 5th of June. You have just cheered, the anniversary of the following historic events, in the year 754. We saw the brutal slang of Saint Boniface, one of the 8th centuries, top celebrity saints, now viewed as a key figure in the entire concept of Europe as a single entity, and you cheered his assassination, you f***ing monsters.

You also cheered the death of Lord Kitchener in 1916, the kitchen at the time was called Raining British Fingerpointer of the Year. Also, you cheered the 50th anniversary of the shooting of Bobby Kennedy. You know, you feel fucking delighted about that. Evidently, you think he deserved to die. And you cheered the 21st anniversary of the beginning of a brutal civil war in the Republic of Congo.

So you people are fucking monstrous. Also, the anniversary of the day in 1956, when Elvis Presley sang Houndog on the Milton Burl show and scandalized the audience with his suggestive hit movements. Chris Willehrer is, look how suggestive that is. I don't know what is that suggestive of a man who's maybe interested in attempting Slalom skiing as a hobby. But 62 years on now, what would Elvis have to do

to scandalize a modern TV audience brought up in the internet age? Well, I've done some scientific research onto this, and to have the same scandalization effect today, Elvis would have to suggestively murder Milton Burl live on air with a flame throwing chainsaw whilst having sex with a donkey dressed as the Pope. And even then people were probably respond as a bit hackneyed, just basic talent

show guff. And on this day in 1975, the UK held its first country wide referendum on the membership of the European Economic Community. Happy times. That was June 1975. When I was aged eight months, and my parents thought it would be interesting to record what I had to say about it at the time. And here is the actual recording of me speaking as a baby about Britain's vote to join the EEC. I do a translation for you. Whilst this is clearly a landmark in the post-war history of both Britain as a nation and Europe

as a continent, and a critical further step towards ensuring the violence of the past can never occur, my fear is that any cooperative European project involving many nations must know where to set its limits, regardless of the economic and social benefits it may bring. From a British perspective, I fear that the hostility of our political system and an increasing confusion about issues of national identity in a rapidly changing world may provoke dissatisfaction with Europe, resulting ultimately in Britain leaving the European project in approximately 40 to 45 years' time. But no matter, by then, we'll have full military control of South America. So, pretty close.

So... Now, as always, a section of this audio news paper is going straight. It's going where? In the world. Correct, you are very well trained. In the bin, this week we have a bugle, weekly world cup supplements. You're excited about the world cup? Who here is from a country that has no team in the world cup? Where are you from?

USA. USA. USA. that has no team in the World Cup. Where are you from? USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA.

USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA.

USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. the most democratic country in the World Cup, which according to the World Democracy Index is currently Iceland, who are ranked number two in the democracy rankings. The opening match pits Russia, who are 135th out of the 167 nations in the list, versus Saudi Arabia, 159th equal, which I think might be the least democratic World Cup match in the history

of the tournament, at least since the Soviet Union took on North Korea in the group state of 1966, of course. But group A, which features the host and the Saudis, is the least democratic group, if you're looking for a group to be disgusted by on a moral level, they average 111th in the world democracy index the 14th, and that's even with Uruguay, the independent Republic of 10 Man Uruguay as football fans know it. They are the 18th most democratic nation in the world dragging the others up, and that is 49% more undemocratic than the next most least democratic

group in the World Cup, which is Group B, which raises the intriguing possibility of an Iran 150th versus Saudi Arabia 159th. Second round match, I love a stat. And on the good side, from England's point of view, we are a democryliving nation as well. And what greater motivation could our boys need to overcome our recent disappointing tournament record than the fact that they know that the other three teams in Group G are way less democratic than we are. And we have a moral right for humanity to win those games, the UK, or as it's known by large sections of the English media, England, is 14th in the democracy rankings, the bloody

scots and the Welsh and the Northern Irish dragging us down with a addiction to totalitarian despots otherwise would be top. But we actually cannot face a less democratic nation than ourselves until a potential quarter final against Germany At which point we might have to delve back into the historic rankings to Are you ready to meet our guests for today's show? Good that could have been very awkward if you'd responded. No. We have won from each of the world to leading hemispheres. For today, first of all, from the south, it's the woman who flamingos fear to shit on. I think Alice Fraser! When she walks, she must find like a foamy

Hello Andy, hello Vueglis, how are you? She wears that clean soda eyes, she's... Alice, when you're on the Vuegl on Friday, you're suffering grievously from an attack of well-spid bugs. Yes. Have you had your vengeance on them? Has it been swift and deadly? I spent the last few nights trying to rip my own skin off, but now I'm much better. Thank you.

That is just a standard thing to do in Britain with less than a year to go before Brexit. So you're blending in seamlessly with the locals and also joining us from the Northern Hemisphere. In fact, from this very nation itself, it's Tiffany Stevenson. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome, Tim.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I mean, I'm not annoyed about that image, to be fair. Support for the Bugle is brought to you by Simply Safe, Home Security Dunrite. Simply Safe is really discreet and hard to notice. Windows and doors are comprehensively protected. It's cheap and contract free. Learn more about how Simply Safe can help protect your home. Go to SimplySafe.com slash Bugle. That is simplysafe.com slash bugle. Time now for Top Story this week. And today, ladies and gentlemen, is World Environment Day?

Who has celebrated World Environment Day today? For the rest of you very much mirroring the world's general attitude towards the environment which is studious Ignoration. Andy, what I want to know is when's world greedy pollution day? I think that is from the 6th of June until the 4th of June. Next year, who came here in any form of transport, you just don't care, do you? You just don't fucking care. I walked here eating a lettuce. That's all I can also.

I left my fridge door open for 35 minutes this afternoon to help counteract global warming. And I walked to and from my local petrol station and carried my petrol home in a special bucket. We all have to make sacrifices. And this is World Environment Day today. The world has been celebrating by instantly coming to its senses about the need to fix everything. So that's good. And we're lucky. Are you environment fans? Yes!

Some of you are. The rest of you thinking, no, I need the environment has had its chance. And it has very much blown it. It has proved it can no longer hack it as a top level ecosystem. And we're better off without it. And so just going our separate ways. And trying to remember the good times that we had with the environment. I remember this one day a few years ago, it was really sunny, but not too hot. But there is a grave concern with regards to the environment.

Reports have come out that suggest that falling prices for renewable energies and the global rush to invest in low-carbon technologies could spark a global financial crisis because according to a new study, and who else thinks that people studying things is responsible for 95% of the world's problems. You don't study it, you don't know about it, no one gives a shit. As the path to a happy life. According to this new study, fossil fuel companies could be left with trillions of dollars of obsolete assets plunging the global economy into global economic disaster. We need to really think about these very real possibility that the cost of environmentalism

will be incredibly damaging to rich people's yachts, you know, your insatiable demand for cheap clean energies having the horrifying side effect of making some bankers feel very economically anxious Professor George binwales the co-author of the study said contrary to investor expectations the stranding of fossil fuel assets May happen even now without new climate policies, individual nations cannot avoid the situation, but Mercure has warned that even though this transition is going to happen, we have not, even if it happens, we're still not going to stave off the worst effects of climate change, which is good because then we get to not have our cake and also troke on it. Mercure, that's the hotel chain, yeah?

Sure. How do you celebrate environment day? You get trashed. Very good. Thank you. First part, can't believe it was me. I cannot believe it. Normally, hate it.

Makes me feel ill. This is going to be long. So, fundamentally, if this global economic disaster caused by renewable energies does happen, it will lead to a drastic loss of funding for environmental research and wildlife charities and the like. So the only way to save the environment now is to support our beleaguered fossil fuel giants. So I would encourage you all to support fuel aid and do everything you can for likes of Exxon, BP, Shell, because if they go we are going down with them.

Everyone can just be very, very naughty so Santa has to stock up on coal. It's good thinking. But no one ever sees the lateral side of these things. Do you kid yourself on it though? Every time I take a Ryanair flight, I keep myself on making diamonds from my carbon footprints. Like, you do the mass in your head, don't you? So what they're saying is there's going to be a drop in fossil fuels irrespective

of whether or not new policies are put in place, or even if we adhere to old ones. So it doesn't matter that Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris Agreement. It does matter that his dad didn't pull out of his mum. Yeah, I mean, how different would his, anyway, let's not, let's not, let's not. It's always like sliding doors. Well, Trump, in fact, he's been, he's been doing his bit for

air pollution in America, if as our American air pollution correspondent. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so there's a great story about this that he's been reforming the policies, quietly revamping the rules for air pollution, Trump's EPA. So Trump's busily going around telling everyone air pollution doesn't exist, while simultaneously sucking all of the oxygen out of the room. Mae'r trum yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymw incremental changes and then 10 years later you're like who the fuck do I live with? Those sort of, he's in tonight so he'll appreciate that. I mean, did you not just recently get engaged?

I did, I got engaged on Christmas Day actually, so yeah. Oh, maybe I'll be excited when he finds out as well. Maybe don't put that line in your wedding speech. It's time now for our environmental pin-up species of the week. And whales have had an exciting week recently. So we have a special whales section for you now. Hello, Baluga! Oh, God. Hello, Bulluga! Oh God!

This week, a whale sadly died in Thailand, and it was found that the whale had eaten 80 plastic bags, which I mean, it seems like, I mean that starts to look like a habit, doesn't it? Oh yeah! I mean, that starts to look like a habit, doesn't it? That starts to look like... You know, just the guilty treats. After a hard day's wailery, just one more waffer-thin plastic bag. I don't know why everyone's so impressed. I could eat at least 100 plastic bags. And most people who have plastic bags in their stomachs off the coast of Thailand are smuggling drugs.

I'm not going to be impressed by this whale until I hear that it was carrying at least a thousand kilos of hard drugs. I said hard drugs because I couldn't think of any drugs. I'm cool. The whale died after a five day battle against physics, biology and various other bits of science. And this is very definitely one of those occasions when you can definitively not say it's the way you would have wanted to go Unless that whale was recorded to have said to each mummy as a child mummy when I grow up. I want to be a metaphor

I just wanted to be a simile when I grew up you know what that's like grew up. You know what that's like. C'mon! Foul joke, I don't miss. So what can we do about? Are you plastic fans? It's unquestionably got its good points and its bad points. But maybe we need to do more to change our behaviour when it comes to Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r in economics, the idea that small changes can produce a big social change. So they introduced the sugar tax here just a couple of months ago based on... No, because the prospect of an early death and major illness simply does not resonate with the British public. However, 25 pence extra on the bottle of Coca-Cola, you have our full undivided national attention. It also works for the tampon tax.

We will stop depleting. LAUGHTER Got a lot of liner incentives. Well, the tampon tax. Yeah, luxury. Luxury. Where's my doledch in the banner with wings, Andy? If they're luxury?

Well, I mean, they don't just... I mean, I'm not a massive extra... I want it to nail fire it up there, sorry. I will admit, I'm not a massive extra. I'm a professional farmer up there. Sorry. I will admit, I'm not. We need collective action. We just need to go out and free bleed for three months. And they'll be begging us to take him. LAUGHTER

Why not? I'm in sisters. I am in. LAUGHTER I did free bleeding from when I was eight days old, ever a little bit. Now, erm... But I think maybe we need to use non-stereon plastic bags.

I think it's not enough just to have a five-piece card or not. I think what it needs is check out staff in supermarkets to be dressed as whales. And if you ask for a plastic bag, they just vomit one up. Oh, but well vomit is actually, is it called hamburgers? It's actually useful, isn't it? Yes, well vomit. It's forbidden to be on perfume. Yeah.

Just dab a bit of your well vomit behind the ears. All the men come. It's... It has to be a well, you're not a well at this. It's all that dude on the bus said. LAUGHTER And in other whales news. Do you know what it is? They're part of it, though.

I think they have a PR problem. They do. Whales generally have a PR problem. As in, they're not like, if it was cats or dogs, we might care a bit more about it. We don't have whales as pets. They're not the creatures that we look into, so we need to sort that out. You can't go down pets at home and buy a couple of beluga whales. Can't you own one? I think also the names don't help. I mean sperm whale come on, you've lost half the country

right there. If you're going to go reproductive route at least have a bit of fun and call it a spunk whale. A watery gizma, mum. We can all have a laugh. You're just a giant cum dolphin. Andy? Well, I just remember there was a giant cum dolphin on the... What was that show where things used to go past on a conveyor belt? That's it, don't raise your go. I thought a giant cum dolphin was one of your ice hockey teams. Here's a new meaning to the term blowhole.

That was fun. It's a family show, I lost family show. Look, Andy, all this whale news is making me feel really sad for the whales. They're getting humped from all directions, and there's not a lot of ways for them to hump back. There's no right whale for them to react. They can't just go and report it at the police citation. Come on people.

I literally tried to think of a citation upon this afternoon and came up snake eyes. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. It's hard to explain Wales, too easy. LAUGHTER Some wild facts for you now. We have a... Wild Fact Box. Chris, sting. There you go. Right, here it is. Welcome back. Fact 1. The heart of a blue whale is 640 times bigger than the average human heart, tipping the scales at 200 kilograms. This makes Wales the most romantic species of all time. When a whale falls in love, it registers 1.8 on the Richter scale.

And language constantly changes. The phrase having a whale of a time used to mean being a carefree being with no known predator, and a ready supplier food whenever you opened your mouth. Then it became having a well of a time came to mean being mercilessly pursued by a Japanese boat in the name of crucial scientific research. And now it means spluttering your life out due to the once and self-centered thoughtlessness of humanity. Isn't language fun? Anti-climactic zoo escape news now. Yes, you're a useless escape from a zoo correspondent. Yes, a thrilling report of an escape by two lions, two tigers and a jaguar reported

to have broken out of a storm hit zoo in Western Germany, have turned out never to have left their enclosures. It's like the end of a creative writing task in primary school, where it was all a dream. And you were there. And you were there. This event, actually, of the thought the animals escaped, and they didn't, is the historical origin of the saying,

the cat's out of the bag, oh, no, wait, it isn't my bad. Put the tranquilizer guns down, boys. The cat is where we left it. What do you mean, why did we put it in a bag in the first place? Don't ask stupid questions if you don't want stupid answers. And there's actually a word in German for that, Andy. Which is what? Svek lost Torschluss Panik and also check the cages first, Du Nutsluss asked Lach. So.

That's been a very linguistically educational show this one. It's a beautiful language, Andy. Yeah. Too soon, too soon. Yeah. MUSIC Let's move on now to North Korean summit news now and well it's back on the Romantic summit of the year 2019. Are we only Kim Jong-un fans in? Really? They're just practicing Andy.

No, just they all work for the BBC. Sorry, I must not read it in the Daily's Elecrawff. Now, if you are North Korea, I'm sorry. Apparently so. Well, actually, my boyfriend is, he's taken one of the stories that was happening this week in North Korea, which is the large envelope, and he's explained it in a little thing,

I like to call Scottish boyfriend explains a thing. Some fans in. Just get... Oh, there he is. There he is. This is my wife's friend. Ha! Ha!

Here's the hangry. Trump's a pure refanny in his Scottish, which normally would be a thing we'd be celebrating, but we hate him. So supposedly Kim Jong-ssin emiletta and a massive envelope to make him look stupid because he's got wee hands but to be honest I think he's thinking it's that funny in the same way I didn't think it was funny when Hitler put she in inform on Churchill's hand when he was asleep and then tickled his nose

because there are no kids playing practical jokes. There were leaders with nuclear cords. Also, there are peda- F***s. Oh God, and it's that kind of down-to-earth common sense that means we have to keep the anointed kingdom together. So Andy, the nuclear summit in North Korea is back on after being on then off, and then on again, like the bloomers of a zootrope

of a naughty stomp at in the erotic flip book collection of a deeply repressed Victorian man. This is more on again off again than Ross and Rachel I assume I haven't watched the popular sitcom given the my knowledge of pop culture is deeply flawed and I'm trying to catch up but so far I've only got up to Zina warrior princess four seasons of Star Trek deep space nine and three episodes of The Simpsons but I assume the metaphor is probably relevant. The important thing is that we need to be able to trust the people who have their fingers on the nuclear button to be entirely unpredictable, wildly fickle, and have the fragile egos of a post-success Johnny Depp. It just makes you feel really alive. You value every day, each non-radio

active apple tastes sweeter every morning You wake up to a sunrise and the correct number of limbs is hashtag blessed Alice you are people calling other people feckless news It's been a big week. Yes, Andy. Samantha B is receiving backlash from both sides of politics after having called Ivanka Trump a Fectalist and then apologizing for calling Ivanka Trump a Fectalist. She apologized after an apology was demanded and now there are demands for her previous

apology to be retracted and apologized for after backlash to the backlash about the original apology. People are also demanding that the people who demanded the original apology apologize. Well done, Alice. Thank you. A summary of all news in the 21st century. I just find it difficult to get offended at the seaworth because I come from a nation where people are offended if you don't use it. I don't know. People online have a lot of opinions and they express those opinions by being angry, which brings me to a semantic issue that I've had for a long time. And can you answer me, who called it getting trolled rather than the

slings and arrows of outrageous forechan? Do I have to answer that question? It's bizarre, isn't it, that we want to hold female comedians to a higher standard than men in power. This seems to have run across like Sam B and then we had the thing with Kathy Griffin as well. It would be like putting me in prison for saying David Cameron banged a pig, rather than actually

calling David Cameron to toss, but banging a pig. Trump cannot be, he's got Scottish heritage, he's got a Scottish mum, he cannot be offended by the word sh**. Surely when he was born she was like, yeah, come out, my f**king f**king f**king. Millennia Trump has reappeared after almost 40 days. I think you'll find it's Melanie Trump. Yes, of course, according to Donald's mis-to-eats. Newly rebranded with a more American name. She's emerged, but they've just realized

she was actually in her cage the whole time. Well, she's back after almost 40 days in the wilderness, and the similarities between her and Jesus Christ continue to mount up. Both people whom Donald Trump claims to love, although the evidence of his behaviour overwhelmingly suggests otherwise. So, I mean, where do we think she's been in this? So, these months, she's been away?

It might have been, because they've been stand-ins. I've long been saying I think she's got Stockholm syndrome. Because whenever you see her appear publicly, she was at such a small, she's trying to morse code the crowd with her eyes, doesn't she? She'll come out and blink at them and be like, oh, probably one of them were wearing high heels and disasters on.

It's because life is a catwalk. Help me! Help me! She gets beat five languages. She knows how to say help me and all of them. The point is, I don't She gets me five languages, she knows that, say, help me, and all of them. The point is, I don't part me, feels bad, because I don't want to judge. Like, he's had two wives.

Two of his wives have been immigrants. And I don't want to judge the women he married Donald, because you don't know what they're running from, do you? Like, genuinely, what horrors are you trying to escape if you can look at Donald Trump and think, that's a better life for me? I will ride that Blamongi carcass for a past ball. There's an image you'll have tomorrow.

That was an Emmy-Lew Harrison. No, it's simple. I just go up, down, up, down for like three and a half minutes and I'm sick of the end. It's like rollercoaster. That's how they should sell rollercoasters. LAUGHTER They have been, uh, a couple of suggestions just to watch you've been up to one is that there was... There's actually been a wife swap with Mrs Kim Jong Un.

LAUGHTER Not a kinky one, just the basic bridge building exercise. And, uh, and Reed Soul Jew has been at the White House and neither leader noticed. LAUGHTER But more plausible is that actually what Malania Trump has been doing is playing in the French open tennis. Because can it really be just coincidence that she appears back on the scene on Monday

this week, just two days after Erena Camilia Begu, the world number 40 ranked player from Romania, was knocked out of both these singles and the doubles on the same day. Malania had not been seen since May 10th, giving her ample time to fly to Europe, kidnapped the real Irina Camilia Begu, get in a couple of days training and play the tournaments in Roman Nuremberg as warm-ups for Roland Garros, All part of a fact-finding mission by the Trump administration to find out how U.S. foreign policy is going down with the world's top 100 ranked female tennis player. In fact, after her second round victory over Begu Trump in Rome, Angelique Kerber, the

2016 U.S. Open Champion, said this at a press conference. It was really distracting. At the changeovers, Eurenia Camilia would come and sit next to me and ask questions about what I thought of the American government's increasing tendency to bypass international institutions, and whether the president's cocktails of off-the-cuff interventionism and social media threats

were damaging the US reputation in the locker room on the WTA tour. It's most unlike her. She usually just sits in her chair, not talking about American politics. I found it hard to concentrate. That's why I dropped the first set before grinding out a tough win, 75 in the third. So, there we go.

That's first time Angelique Kerber's voice has appeared on this podcast. LAUGHTER MUSIC First I'm Angelique Kerber's voice has appeared on this podcast. LAUGHTER MUSIC Some very exciting cosmetics news, the Cosmetics Company Lush, has split opinion, I think it's fair to say, after a campaign aimed at drawing attention to the so-called Spice Cops scandal. Now this is one of the weirdest stories.

Does that look like a Jason Statham film when you say it like that? a'r gwaith ysgadol. Mae'r gwaith ysgadol yn ysgadol. Mae'r gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith ysgadol yn gwaith y about the police going undercover and infiltrating people's lives and having long-term relationships with them. Yes, very serious. And it's very hard for me to understand how this occurred in a company such as Lush, after presumably a high-level board meeting, at which the boss of Lush had said, so we've agreed that the new flavour of bath bombs

will be lavender, mango, and salted Patagonian squirrel blossom. We've also given the go ahead to Brenda's plan to retest the sulfur and rat musk shower cream to try and make it just a little bit less combative. And we're all unanimous that we all really like soap. Now, any other product ideas, Jeff, boss, I was thinking we could maybe launch a satirical campaign about undercover police operations. Okay, Jeff, will it make bathwater turn a funny colour? No boss, will it moisturise my skin? Not really, can I give

it to my life partner as a Valentine's Day present? Definitely f***ing nod. Jeff, I'm just not seeing it, it's not really a line with our core lush values of making people more aromatic and less filthy. Go on, boss, give it a go. All of our market research suggests that customers want not only to be clean, but also to be reminded of the dark, amoral core at the heart of the British establishment.

You've won me round! LAUGHTER Not only cosmetic companies are all for the art of disguise, but in this instance, they felt moved to advertise their beauty products by taking a swing at police strategy. I think this can only have been caused by someone at the highest levels of the soap company, having been tricked by a policeman in disguise, or broken up with by their actual normal, non-police husband pretending to be a policeman in disguise in order to get out of the relationship. Honey, it's not you, it's actually me, by which I mean it's not me, I'm not me.

I'll admit to having a little bit of skin in the game with the lush, I do know lush. And one of the things that they do is they sell their businesses soap, but they're actually about activism. So, almost like an ethical fight club. It's almost like they make money from soap and then they do some other stuff on the side. a'r ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ffyrdd yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ym as opposed to it being quite a specific attack on spy cops and giving people wider knowledge of what that is. And then the shopping center, one of the shopping centers, I think it's called Intu, said, we have now told Lush

to take them all down because politics and shopping do not mix, which is one of the best things I've ever heard. All those newspapers that you've got in the shops, then that's not political. I mean, everything about shopping is political. It's so ridiculous, isn't it? So, but I think that's almost all well-earned. When you kind of go, no, we're going to hand down a Dictat and tell you how you can and can't

mark it in an advertiser. And it's totally fine for someone to put up a commercial going, you know, if you take the slimming pill, you can lose 50% of your body fat in a week. Like, that's okay, but this isn't, you know. I just think it's nice. I think it's nice to see advertising companies moving away from their staple subject of eerie-looking people in Riga Mortis poses staring into the middle distance with the relaxed mouth and half-closed eyes of someone pissing in a public pool.

I like advertising as much as the next indoctrinated victim of rapacious capitalism, but I think it's very deceptive most advertising. Very few shops actually sell oily young women. No, that's not fair to advertising, Andy. We're now in the age of the body positivity movement, where ads go, look at me, I'm feminism. You're not too fat to buy mascara

And you're like, I don't know you look like feminism, but I think I've seen you before I think you're just capitalism in a trench coat Are you wearing a stick on moustache made out of fake eyelashes? I mean, we're all we're all hypocrites about this. I'm wearing makeup right now. I can't talk. Of course, I can't talk. I'm a woman. No, it's fine. I'm not saying that beauty and fashion are less important than other more important things. Or that it makes you less of a feminist

to want to be f***able at all times. I'm just saying I don't believe the hype. There's so much hype. Just choose the right moisturizer. And you too can become an ageless jellyfish floating for eternity in a sea of cocks. Oh, you know, flaps, whatever floats your jellyfish. It is, it is mad how many, how many? It's my favourite Salvador Dalí, pointing out.

I have lipstick on, but under my shirt, just the words I know where you live. Right, we are heading towards the end of the show. Chris, how long have we got? Right, minus 15 minutes. Can we up do a high speed Q&A? Sure. Just take two or three. Who has a question for? Yes, good evening. Quick question. I read today in a newspaper that there have been more applicants to Love Island than Toxford and Cambridge this year. Thoughts on having the winners of Love Island replaced Theresa May. A fair crack of the whip, but running a country and I speak as a member of the elite. Look at me, I am your overlord.

And the Love Island graduates have to show that they have a similar capability to sell off the nation's assets to the highest bidder before we can truly trust them with the future of our country. Until someone on Love Island has put their penis into the mouth of a dead pig, as part of some kind of dining society, I don't think we can entirely, and do you believe that actually, because you mentioned that earlier, the Cameron, he did not bang a pig, he put his penis in the dead mouth of a pig. Backed a pig. Well, I mean, no, one thing is fine. To be honest, I was far happier to have a Prime Minister who had already put his penis in the dead mouth of a pig than a Prime Minister who was constantly

wondering what it would be like to put his penis in the dead mouth of a pig. David, you got that far away, look at your eyes. Focus, man, focus. One more question. I'm going to regret asking this, but were there any whale puns which didn't make the cut for the show? You just wouldn't believe some of the things I left out over. No, no.

No, we're not interestingly, but interestingly, you should mention puns, and there are, I'm sorry, we will be, we will come to the fantastic story about the gay cake in America on a future bugle, but sorry if you came exclusively to see that, but it is another very important anniversary this week. It's eight years since Lou Reed did a concert for dogs in Australia, which Which long-term bugle as may remember sparks something of a of a pun run? It was one of the early ones that unleashed the beast PTSD, no, I'm not I'm not I'm not gonna do any more of those Puns I don't want to pooch my luck

And I know some of you would want me to do that, but I'm not gonna bow out of the pressure. Um, and, uh, oh, I won't let you lead me astray. Uh, much to your disappointment. Um, not all of you getting these, sir, this guy, he, he's struggling to keep up. He really is. He looks like he wants to put a curse, because, cause on me, uh, uh. Uh, starting to ask self questions,

why, how, and when, he can win. But I better stop this before everyone runs away and they all flee back to the bar. There's a food outlet out there, interestingly this year, a monastery themed barbeque, or a Montgrill. I'll stop now, I've done eight puns there. Not eight.

Okay, nine. Sorry, ten now. That was a bit shit. But anyway, but I had to do it, because if I don't do it, no one will. Did you spot that one? Anyway, sorry. I've got to go before this Rex the whole gig. Don't worry.

I'll leave this lady over there, it's running off. But I'll win a rover. I'll win a rover. All done, all done, Chris. You're like a dog with a bone. Thank you. You're not kelping yourself at all. Thank you very much for coming to the Bugle.

I do have you've enjoyed any final requests. Good, we'll call that a wrap. Please show your appreciation for the wonderful Tim Stevenson and Alice Fraser. Chris, the producer. Thanks to the anybody for having us. Until next week, goodbye. Auf Wiedersehen.