The Bugle - Bugle 4075 – Fledgling season

Episode Date: July 14, 2018

Andy is with Alice Fraser and Andrew Maxwell to discuss Brexit lunacy, the Thai cave rescue and big dick energy.Recorded live at Underbelly Festival in London. Come see us live some time!With@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@AndrewisMaxwell@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4,075 of The Bugle. The show was recorded on Tuesday 10 July at London's Underbelly.

There might have been a full sense at large in the world, and particularly in parts of England, that football was about to come home. Sadly we received a call late on Wednesday evening saying that football had had a last minute change of plans and was staying away for another week or four years or the rest of eternity to be confirmed to tune in whenever those episodes happen. Anyway, do enjoy the show. There it is! The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Welcome to the Bugle Live. Please welcome Andy Zoltzmann!

welcome Andy Zoltzmann! Hello, Budlas! Hello, non-buedlas! A few of you for an A4 and 4A slightly confusing evening. Welcome to the Google I just did the music slightly Chris we just did their delving there's a little bit quite now there so how are you all? okay that was I couldn't make all of

those out more clearly how are you all? okay let's try and get some clarity on this just yet you in the front row how are you? fantastic okay there we go so we had a vague general answer to an unnecessary question followed by a So he louder angrier answer followed by one person trying to take control of it. Welcome to the nation of Brexit.

I Although your answer was rather too clear and concise. I Am Andy Zoltzman and this is the bugle-life doubling up as issue I am Andy Zoltzmann and this is the Bugle Live doubling up his issue 4,075 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world. We are here at the underbelly on the south bank of the renowned London Celebry River, the Thames, reigning London natural waterway of the year. Yet again, recently romantically linked in the gossip columns with the North Sea after the two were seen apparently kissing in a satellite photo and what a time to be here in London capital city of the England football team who as we

speak as well is it coming home and if so, what will it find? It's, it may be coming home, we don't know yet. We'll report back next week on whether or not it did come home. This is bugle 4,075 and ironically, 4,075 is bico-incedance the year in which England had been predicted on previous trends to next be in a World Cup semi-final. Joking, of course, 4,075 will not be a World Cup year. 4,074 or 4,078, that joke would have worked. But anyway, sorry. Yeah, that's right,

it could be a real world cup, cricket world cup year as well. That's, I don't know if the cricket is coming. Sorry, yeah, it could be up, that's right, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up,

it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up,

it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, it could be up, be up, it could be up, it could be Central American chess player Paul Murphy, there and there he is. What is your beef with him? Leave him alone, he was enough of a recluse in life without you two, you like hounding him in his piece in the grave. And you've cheered the death of Louis Dagger, the French photography pioneer, you hypocritical bastards.

Without this guy, your smartphones would just be little portable easels and you'd have to paint your own f***ing selfies and pictures of your lunch. So I have some respect. Also on this day, in the year 12, 12. So what's that now? That's what 866 years ago. Here at London Burn Down! Too soon. I'm not sure if that's the kind of division that Brussels is trying to ferment in this country. And, and also today is silence day. If you know that, 10th of July is silence day. I mean, that's an awkward one for a comedy gig, to be honest. I have celebrated a numerous other gigs that I've done through my career. And to mark Silence Day, we are giving you a choice

of free silences. courtesy of the bugle, five free silences you could choose. Here's Silence One, the awkward silence. Silence Two is the reflective silence. Silence Three, radio silence. This joke is wearing thin. Silence, four, the pregnant silence. Is it mine?

And silence, five, snooker. As always, a section of this podcast is going straight. Correct answer. This week in the bin, an insult gardening section, in the bin, gardening section there is the in the bin logo, insult gardening. I don't know if any of you practice insult gardening, but new scientific research has shown that verbally abusing the plants in your garden can make them grow up to 13.8% faster. Here comes the science bit. A plant that is feeling shame, embarrassment or some other form of duchin related negative

emotion releases the enzyme chagrinase which accelerates floralism and leafishness. In fact, the colour of a flower's petals is a signifier of its current level of shame. We are roses, very shameful creatures. We advise you in our insult gardening section exactly what burns to infect on which plants in your garden. If you have a sea of nothas, you should say this, you briefly blossoming overgrown pseudo hedge. How about you put some f***ing effort in for the other 48 weeks of the year, you ground wasting parasite. For the orchid, national flower

of Panama are you? Well, have you been enjoying the World Cup? You were me-rooted petal-pushing show off. There is such a thing as too many species, you 28,000 varieties of horticultural imperious, uberflora, and for the tulip, you are an economic havoc spreading wannabe onion. Um, and also in the bin commemorative section on the christening of Prince Louis, we have Royal christening commemorative supplements. Louis, born in April, is the third child of Prince William and Lady Prince Kate, seen in the picture there, and is a fifth in line to the throne on

current form. So, I'm not fifth in line to the throne, he's going to have to get seriously fucking medieval to get any way near the big one. Now, according to the BBC Royal Correspondent of Sequius Fitzforning, the crown-wearing tot has been named Louis Elvis Wimbledon Final Manufacturing Windsor, the traditional four-four-name Royal Names, the last four-name, a tip of the Royal Naming Hat to one of William and Kate's favorite sectors of the British economy. The third of his names was named after what was on the telly last July whilst he was can, well I'm in federaplaid beautifully to be fair. We have a free Royal giveaway, a classic Royal name for you, butlers, to use it as you see fits. You can use it as the middle name or as a new four name. Choose from Henry, Victoria, Catherine, Mom, Beyoncé or Atholstan.

Your choice. BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BAB 32 years. It's coming home, yes. And I'm where the f*** does it been all this time? Why did it never even write? First up is the Bugle Representative for the Southern Hemisphere for all female beings and things, including many French nouns, for the global laps Jewish Buddhist Catholic community. It's Alice Fraser! When she walks, she moves her fellow Alice, like a flamingo. Happy, hello, Bugles, how are you?

Very well, very well, Alice. Now Alice, as we've heard football is coming home, you have yourself actually just been home to Australia. Yes, I visited Australia for a week, which I would not recommend. Is that not better than visiting Australia for a month or a year? As something returning home, what advice would you have for football? Football went off to buy some milk one day and never came back and now it's coming home when we're meant to embrace it with open arms.

I think maybe football needs to do some groundwork to win back our affection. There's been many years where I was missing a strong football figure in my life. Right. And how have you rectified that? By not watching the football. I think I won. Yes, I think you're probably. And now, for the first time ever, I'll only be the one of the finest comedians.

I have worked with Please Walk and the Wonderful Andrew Maxwell! Thank you, Andrew. Myself and my esteemed colleague, Salzman here, we went and watched the first half of the football together. You know what I did? In a pub with a thousand different screens. Yes. We had no chairs and we stood beside each other

looking at different screens. Oh! We look like the cover of a folk album. LAUGHTER It's a wonderful thing, football, isn't it? Yeah, but it's way better than reality, isn't it? I mean, what things have you not been thinking about because of the World Cup?

Oh, all sorts. I think there's a lump on me somewhere. I think there's a lump, there's something, yeah. My parents' dog passed away during the World Cup. Who gives a shit? 17-year-old dog. Oh, I'm never soaring the reach of World Cup, so be fun. Didn't make it out of the groupstays.

I see as an Irishman, but long time resident of England, I'm very torn about England's success in the War of Cop. I describe it as I'm four of the players against the country. Yeah? I think these are probably the most charming and humble group of English players ever. And I quite like them. But then again, I like the millennial generation. They're well-behaved, clean behind the years. Right, because out there...

Where is this a country? I mean... F*****. I mean awful. Really awful countries. You should be ashamed yourselves. No one to your patron say it is fictional. A fictional Turkish man. I think deep down you all know you should be ashamed yourselves. Well I mean I, I'm a slayer dragon at all, did he? Just kick the shit out of a new town side of poor man. He LAUGHTER So Patrick on the other hand, real! A real well-slave boy!

What, he chased the snakes out of Ireland? He did? And moles! Right. Well, that is the origin of the great Irish ball of hurling, isn't it? It is one of the most chasing... I mean, mostly he was drinking and fighting. I mean, in Australia we've got a very high rate of skin cancer so eradicating moles is a...

Boom! Johnny Noley, that's really... What's up brilliant? There was a brilliant health government health thing in Australia about making sure you put some cream on. Slip-slop-slop-slop-slop-slop-slop. But the first summer wed when it was Australia, there was a spacey, there's a TV, Aussie TV presenter,

and there's somebody getting a skin graft. There we go. You know the one I've done it? Is it an operating theater? And it's actually happening. This is real. And he's there, he goes, this is Gary. Gary didn't put some cream on,

and now he's having to get a skin graft. The taken skin offers balm and a stick in it on his face. So unless you want to wear your balm on your face, slip, slap, slap. Slip, slap, slap. Slap, whatever. I'm a stickler for accuracy when it comes to late 90s advertising. Yes, sir.

No doubt. That's what we say about you behind your back. Right, it's time for our top story, Chris. And here it is, top story this week. Brexit and by Brexit, I mean, the total meltdown of Britain, its politics, its democracy, and its government. Have you, oh, there we go. Woo! politics, its democracy and its government. Have you... Oh, there we go. There we go.

Woo! Who has been enjoying the current bouts of total f*** chaos? There we go. Oh, I think this is fair. And this is what we voted for. We voted knowing it would cause chaos. So this is what the government is giving us.

Chris, have there been any resignations since the start of the show? No, the last 20 minutes. That's a good time. That is good to know. We will update you on that later during the show. Boris Johnson, God rest his soul, if it is ever located. The 54-year-old unemployed man from West London. He, David Davis Quatt, there have now been other quattings.

We had Chris Green, the ministerial aide. Can you believe Chris Green has gone? Big Christie. Resigned his position as a parliamentary private secretary to the Department of Transport No! When parliamentary private secretary to the Department of Transport are falling on this shop and sword shaped cause yet you know your country is in a difficult spot.

He resigned. He said in a letter that Theresa made confirmed his fears that we would not really leave the EU, but the word really was not on that, was not on that ballot paper, was not really leave the EU. It was leave the EU, not leave the EU or... Well, I mean this is the thing, it's the will of the people, it's the will of the people,

it's the last will and testament of the people. It's the last will and testament of the people. It's happening. It's happening and all the remuners can try their eyes. It's happening. We're going to WTO rules. We're going to show them what's what Britain's going to sail out into the world and trade with them again. Start making magic beans and something.

Do you know what they love? The foreigners, they absolutely love some beads. Beads and necklaces and such. Britain, if all it has to do is have the gumption and self belief to sail to the new world and just buy back Manhattan with some beads. Trump might go for it. Boris George didn't quit as far in Secretary.

He said the reason he quit was the dream of Brexit is dying, which would be sadder if the dream of Brexit hadn't always been the sweaty cheese dream of a tapped out single dad. Where he dreams he's gonna marry Angelina Jolie in a cloud city full of approving whoopie Goldberg's in her role as time travelling bartender Guynann in Star Trek Enterprise. It's fine to have that kind of dream, but Boris wanted to move forward with the dream, like if single dad Gary then woke up and from his cheese dream and rushed out to quit his job

in middle management to pursue his dream without thinking through any of the logistical ethical or legal ramifications. I mean how do you get that many Guyn many guidance? You got a holiday at candy? He also said Brexit should be about opportunity and hope, which is not entirely the message during the campaign when Brexit was very much about sending Syrian refugees back to where they already were. Yeah, no, it's a hope that they'll all go home. All right, I guess. Giving them the opportunity.

The opportunity to f*** off. It's all there. It's all a very positive message. He apparently in the Czechoslovakian meeting used the term Polish the Turd, referring to Theresa May's scheme. Polish the Turd also one of the more marginal 1970s children TV shows. That puppet was just a little bit graphic. But to be honest, I think I would respect to reason my a little bit more if she just was

honest enough to say, to come out and give a press comment on downing street and say, I will polish this unwanted turn until it passes for an acceptable, if unconventional paperweight. I'll respect her more. There's nothing that inspires less confidence in a political move than a rash of resignation. It's the kind of rational topical trick cream will adequately resolve.

It's like that metaphor of rats fleeing a sinking ship, but in this situation, the ship is made out of rats. And the captain is a weasel and the first made is Boris Johnson. In disguise, as a rat, in disguise is Boris Johnson. Shh, they haven't noticed he's just a mug of salami off cuts in a fluorescent yellow party city hair hat yet. She's not, his name's not Boris.

It wouldn't be. It's not. It's a barrage name's not Boris. It wouldn't be. It's not. It's not Boris's middle name. Everybody within British politics and political journalists all known by the name that everybody actually knows him. It's Al. His name's Alexander Boris DeFevil Johnson. And everybody who's in British politics calls him Al.

Everybody went scoooot and calls him out. Boris is a stage name. It's like a Brazilian footballer basically. But you know, it isn't just... When you know that, it makes it even worse. It's you realize that you're a muggle. You're a mug. You're a mug.

It's like a giant political in joke. I mean... And if you call him Boris, then you're a mug. You're on the out. Given the choice of the initials, AJ and BJ, he went for BJ. LAUGHTER That says everything you need to know about the man.

And it's starting to look like we probably should have thought about it a bit before voting on it. I'm going out on a limb. Well I guess it's the old saying goes, if you're going to jump out of an aeroplane, take a parachute, don't just take a couple of bedsheets, some string, a vague sense of hope and opportunity, and an attitude of f***ing difficult can it be. Just breaking news now, some more resignations Theresa May's frown has resigned. No, that's holding up the pillar of British community. Also, earlier on today, two

vice chairs of the Tory Party have also quacked Ben Bradley and Maria Coolfield. Issued a statement saying compromise is for winners. People are not vote for compromise, they vote for dogmatically sticking to an azure undefined course of action. And there's also been a resignation, this is the new form of resignation, backbencher Herbert Strymp, the MP for Snutterbridge Central, has preemptively resigned as junior minister for woodland areas, saying, I expected

to be appointed within the next two years, but I'm quitting today in process that how I things will, things will have panned out by then, unless the current or any future prime minister can guarantee that things will be exactly how people may have wanted them at some hypothetical point in the past to become in the future, then I cannot serve in any hypothetical future government. So, I'm confusing times. Today, I listened to a five-live through a Brexit here saying that it's going to be rough, but it's going to be great in ten years time.

That's a long time to wait. 10 years of rough. Yeah, I don't think we've got it in us. Oh, come on, we're going to propose. That's how I'm going to propose. Ha ha, and they were like, well how rough are you talking about? Well, there might be some food shortages. That's pretty rough. I mean, I was just thinking about spotty wi-fi. Do you know what I mean? Oh, that horrible country hotel wi-fi. But that's what we'd have to go back to. That was my idea of a hellscape.

Do you know what I mean? Not strong enough for Netflix. I thought that's where we were going. But like proper running out of food, real quick. Could you fight for food, gang? Could you? Oh, yeah, I'd f*** you up so badly. For a sandwich, I'll do it now. For a sandwich. I didn't say we're gonna tramp fight. A sandwich. A good sandwich. That all my beautiful face

means to you. As a as a member of the next island, which is about to be turbo-f**ked by it, got a little bit more of it. Okay, all right, all right. I genuinely, this is, I live in Kent. Is there me here from Kent? Yes, me. Are you from Kent? Well, I grew up in Tombridge Wells. Tombridge Wells. Tombridge Wells, who knows Tombridge Wells? Oh, that's not Ken. Tombridge Wells is, it's kind of, it's basically the most conservative place in the universe. You were considered a bit of a lefty

when I was growing up if you only voted conservative once at each general election. Oh, he was in a sauna. I was in a sauna in Kent, near where I live in Kent. and this is the level of just Brexit mania. It's way worse than you think, kid. It's way worse. I was in a sauna and I got chatting to this old boy. He was in his 60s. And the weird, the most mental thing about this, is he meant this is a genuinely welcoming friend,

this wasn't a snidey white up, yeah? He meant this is a genuinely, we're all friends here, yeah? I've been chatting with somebody else so he heard my Irish accent, then the person I was chatting to left and then it was me and him. Door closed, that it was just me and him in the steam room, and he said, you must be delighted,

being Irish. I know what it is, what is that? He goes, well you know what I mean? Now that we're out of Europe, you will be next. That's not the weird bit. Let's park all that history. That's not the weird bit. Let's put park all that history. You'll be next. And once you're out of Europe, then you'll be free to rejoin us. What? Eight hundred years of hurt. Never stopped us dreaming. What are you talking about?

You will lose. Here is an important announcement. It seems that none of us know how to brush our teeth properly. But don't panic. Quip is here to save your teeth. Quip is an electric toothbrush that's a fraction of the cost of bulkier brushes. It's essentially like having your teeth gently licked by a benevolent angel. It has an inbuilt timer, no cutting corners

my toothy friends, and they send new brush heads every three months, so your brush keeps your teeth looking absolutely sensational. Quip was called the best electric toothbrush by GQ and the Tesla of toothbrushes by in Bloomberg. Let's assume those were meant as compliments. Quip starts at just $25 and if you go to getquip.com slash bugle right now you'll get your first refill pack free with a quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com slash bugle spelled g-e-t-q-u-i-b.com slash bugle. Well to raise a may insist that the cabinet has agreed on what she's calling a collective position for the future of our negotiations on Brexit.

The collective position is the collective noun for the wide-legged stance of group of politicians assume when they all hate each other so hard they can't maintain costability and they have to pretend to be on the same side because it's literally their job definition. I don't know. It's going to be a joint institutional framework. And the deal will end the automatic free movement and people into the UK from the EU, but include a mobility framework allowing a lot of frameworks, allowing easy movement for work or study.

A mobility framework sounds like the excessively expensive physio handrails you install in your grandparents' place, after Nana's broken a hip way you're like of course money isn't the issue but also realistically what's my value on this investment? The relative risk of mortality in the elderly patient, the population increases 4% per year if you've had a hip reconstruction. She's got five years left in her best for if she doesn't stop drinking Diet Coke. What's in Diet Coke? Because when you don't have one for somebody who drinks it, they get really angry. Like really upset. It's mostly nicotine I think, isn't it?

You tell me it's a drinkable cigarette. You don't want people to stub out the cigarettes and leave them in a bottle, so they don't ruin the environment. That's what it's tea made out. That's Diet Coke. The smoldering into the cigarette burns off all the sugar. That's a bit... A lot of science in the show.

Chris, we need a sting. Here we go. This is the, uh, unfeesable. All 12 members of a boys football team and their coach have been rescued after being trapped in a cave in Thailand for 18 days. The Thai Navy seals have been running the operation confirmed that they were all out saying on their Facebook page, we are not sure if this is a, is a miracle, a science or what? Made it was you, it was a seals.

Like, you did the swimming, the rescuing, the whole thing. But the important thing to remember about this story is that no matter how intense the jeopardy of a situation is, there will be people who try to free load off the publicity wagon as it drives past topical news station. FIFA has announced that rescued boys will not be able to attend the World Cup final on Sunday as previously hoped because they're all still stuck in hospital eating bland rice,

which begs the question of whether there is a single world event that hasn't been infiltrated by FIFA. Stop pretending you care about people FIFA, the only reason that Thailand still likes football is because they're the only underdeveloped country you haven't f***ed over yet. And the Office of Thailand's Prime Minister has thanked tech entrepreneur Elon Musk for his office of health, praising his office of many submarine, saying it was not needed. Musk praised the outstanding rescue team, but questioned the expertise of the official who turned down his submarine. So now we know for a fact that Elon Musk has secretly hoped for the miserable cave death of a shivering minor, just so he could have said, I told you so. Which is Elon Musk's favorite phrase apart from, what do you mean exposure isn't adequate

recompense for creative labor. I'm a multi-billionaire entrepreneur genius who's never heard the phrase copyright infringement. Is it a miracle or a science? I mean, is this great to see Musk involved in this? The patently non-existent, fictitious entrepreneur. He's been on hand to not particularly help with more of his ridiculous sci-fi concoctions, including, as you said, a miniature, fun-sized submarine. Like, he offered it, they refused it, and he brought it anyway.

Yes, you know. While he just turns up at big events and doesn't help at all, you know, he's like sort of a really high-tech pole gas guy. You know what I mean? He's just Elon Musk, is there with a fish and rod and a six-pack of soup? What are you gonna do, Muskie? He also offered to install a magnetic levitation-powered, tied-child-ready hyperloop tunnel that would zoom the stricken children to safety.

It speeds it up to 750 miles an hour, and which could have been completed as soon as the year 2036. Had the rescue not now already been completed. He also offered a teleportation device to dismantle the subterranean Socrates and sell by sell and reconstruct them on Mars where they could be then more easily rescued by Musk's new belief-powered astropulse. The prototype of the intergalactic catapult which Musk aims to twang people between galaxies by the end of this decade. And he also offered the use of his great-gloss elevator and or tickets to his chocolate factory for winning the truth. The rescue chief, Maron Gsac Osirvanakorn,

responded to Elon Musk's offer. We're saying, even though the equipment is technologically sophisticated, it does not fit with our mission to go in the cave. Let me translate that for anyone who doesn't speak fluent Thai. It means, f*** off, you ludicrous, made up man. I mean, that, like, the huge, it's like a beautiful, coordinated global effort in this kind of wall-to-wall news coverage. It's like, it's quite heartwarming, but it's also got to be a kick of the, kind of, a bit of a kick in the teeth for anyone who's ever been in a terrible situation and was quietly rescued by local services without even getting to be a little bit patronised by Elon Musk.

And he talks about his hyperloop. All I can hear in my head is, monorail. Monorail. Monorail. Monorail. Monorail. Monorail. He's a charlatan. The, uh, he is. I don't, I don't know about you, but if anybody ever runs me over, that's what I want it to be. I want another human to run me over. I don't be run over by a robot car. I don't want that. Call me a lull-died. But I don't want to be run over by a robot car. I'll run you over.

Thank you. I thank you. Amongst the, er, the, er, the to the rescue, children have been very tightly controlled, but a few details are starting to leak out of what the children said when they were rescued, including England in the f***ing semi-final. But how? And David Davis resigned. No!

Put me back in there! The name of the man that ends his name ends in corn. Yep. Could you say his name again? Could that ends his name ends in corn. Could you say his name again? Could I say his name again? Narong Sack or Saffanacorn? Yeah, he was on the news today, and you could tell he would practice this in a mirror.

It's turned out it was mission possible. He did, he did, he did, you know what he's saying? You can imagine he was like, boom! You got it again, Sacka Corn! He did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, he did, I've seen your work before. I'll leave it. Your teacher takes you into a cave. Go wrong. You know I'm glad they're all out alive and we can joke about it. Because previous to this it wasn't a very funny one. It's nowhere near as funny as the Chilean miners.

That was some quality, wasn't it? But their wives on Mistress's waiting for them and the whole world knew, it was like a Benny Hill disaster. I mean, to do Andy credit, the run list he sent through said, Thai rescue open brackets depending on latest news, close brackets. Got to be flexible in this to that age. Your esterans and heart of gold is winging its way to you, Zaltman. An Elon Musk is a f***ing high-tech Charlotte. I'm not celebrating it.

At least he didn't invent Facebook. He's a prick and heart. He's a prick. Come on, you're a billionaire, put a shirt on. I hate seeing him in a t-shirt and flip flops. Oh, yes, sicken me. LAUGHTER MUSIC

Just a quick break from Tuesday's show now to alert you to some more forthcoming gigs. I'm doing satirist for hire at the Soho Theatre from next Wednesday, that's the 18th of July, until Saturday, the 21st. Do send your satirical requests in to satirize this at satiristfor hire.com and I will put out the highlights on the bugle at some point over the next few weeks during my summer holiday. Also, I'll be in Edinburgh doing the Edinburgh Fringe from the 15th of August until the 26th at the Stand Comedy Club. See you all there. Back to Tuesday show.

Animals news, Alice, you are official correspondent for all animals. Drunk Seagulls, Andy. Do you want to do drunk seagulls? Well, I mean, just those two words really deserve more airing. No, no. That's the... Oh, Chris, is that a fun day? Yeah. A bunch of seagulls have been showing up at the RSPCA. Drunk, apparently, having eaten the waste from breweries.

And apparently, the RSPCA vans now smell like pubs. This confirms this is a degenerate behavior on the part of the Seagulls. It confirms my belief that birds are just dinosaurs that have failed the promise of their genetic legacy. Like the child of a life-saving cancer scientist that just wants to explore their untapped potential in the world of conceptual modern art. Looked out, I've just stabled 40,000 condoms together and hung it off a bridge. It looks like a deflated colostomy bag, but it's a commentary on Ariane Day Grande's recent

two quick engagement to that dude with the big dick energy. A big dick energy is actually the most environmentally friendly form of energy you can get at the moment. Even more so than wind power. Wind power is really making leaps and downs, particularly offshore. But that said, I think it would all choose big, big energy any day. Short the cold power down. Yeah, and just really start working our dicks.

In the words of Norman Tebbit in the early 1980s, I mean you know things about in a country when even the seagulls are drinking to forget. What, what? And it's fledgling season right now. I live on a breezy coastal town. It's quite horrific. I've saved two fledglings in the last two weeks, a baby crow. And then last week I was going to the beach and I saved a baby sparrow. They can fly only not good enough.

They're kind of getting there and then a big sea gust comes in and they all fall out of the trees. It's weird. And then I have to carry them around. I carried a sparrow. I wanted to get it roasting. It was like 30 degrees, but instead I had to save a sparrow. It was the weekend and it went to the vet and it was short. So there I am with Samy to sparrow. Oh man, this gig is producing so much wind power. Better wind power than big dick energy. It's cleaner. What, I want to know what happened to the sparrow now.

Thank you. Thank you. So with my other hand, I googled what do you do with fledgling sparrows? Do you feed them? Do you keep them? Can you raise them? What do you do? Right. And he said... What is the quality of the Wi-Fi signal line? So sticking back into the nearest hedge they came from.

Right. So I walked back down to the beach absolutely roasting now. Right, shouting at it, you should go straight back where you come from. Oh, yeah. The nearest hedge. Oh, he's a lovely little fella. And I just put him into the hedge an arthie pub. Right. It felt wonderful, really satisfying. I suppose it's what it's like giving birth. Do another name. I thought, now I know, now I'm completely on an equal to all mothers. I know what it's like now, sisters.

And the crow. The crow was in the middle of the road. I screeched to the hole. I never thought, I assume you know, birds, you know, they usually fly away, right? The crow was just swollen in the middle of the road. Brought into the vet, but luckily it was a weekday, the vet talked him. But didn't give me back my beach tell. Oh.

Well, the crow or the vet? No. I think the crow would have... Right. If he knew what was happening. Don't say, do you know what was wrong with the crow in the end? Again, it was a fledgling. It was just blown out of a tree. Right. The reason why I mentioned this is yesterday I was on the way to the beach and a baby fledgling seagull fell out of a tree and I said, come on! This is weird! I'm like, sheltered

that and it went back into the bush. This is how religions start, Andrew. Oh! Oh! Well, not just England's World Cup semi-final, look, we've got Donald Trump. On his way to London, as we speak, the acting American president and self-styled vinegar pistol to the eyeballs of the world, is bringing his paytoned own brand of tantrum politics to Britain and the big bullshit-banding division divisor is set to be welcomed with open arms, albeit that those arms will have middle fingers extended at the end of them. Who's then turning to go to the Trump protest here?

Who's going on the pro-Trump protest? Oh, I'm just wondering. And because there's going to be the inflatable Trump baby blimp, flown above London, that's British welcoming tradition dating all the way back to when Henry II floated a helium-filled badger above above the skies of Kent in 1156. And it is possible that the Queen could be set for the first time on an official state occasion. The first time since she met Romanian power bastard, Nikki Chowchesco in the 1970s, it could be her first time she's muttered the word

f*** under a breath, on official, official meeting. I think Trump has big ass hole energy, Andy. Right. He's the only way you can explain the constant sort of incoherent thing that he's all the way that he's sentenced is don't quite match up and they go off and he's just trying to desperately distract people from the fact that he's constantly shitting himself. Yes. He's just trying to desperately distract people from the fact that he's constantly shitting himself

Yes, I'm it's a this the stock Trump campaign. It's hard for us to vote Trump out in Britain And he's become even more so since the 1780s. So I think actually the best way to get rid of him might might be to give him a forningly obsequious welcome. He likes that. You're a mean, and then just trapping on one of his own golf courses, and that could, Scotland can take one for the team. All right. Right, I think we are, I did have some half-repared puns on the 1966 World Cup team.

But no, no, no. No key band, he'll keep. Thank you very much. I'm not going to, I had to finish the one, too. I'll do a couple No, no. No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no by bronze sculptures of Medusa, the snakehead mythological ancient Greek petrifier. And it's, yes, so he called them his Gorgon banks. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I like the shame in your eyes when you say them. Shame.

Is it really shame? LAUGHTER Anyway, he came to me complaining one day that he'd been ripped off. He said it is car had broken down. And his car had come to help him, had promised something to raise his car up so he could get underneath it. And then a new device to put in the ignition and switch it on. And my mate had given him 200 quid, but then he just gave him a cheap knockoff that didn't work.

And I said, oh, he sounds like a real Jacky Charlotte Charlotton. Jacky Chalton? No? That's probably right, anyway. So, to calm myself down, he went for a walk on some rather sparse hills. Jonathan. Jackie Chalton, no? That's probably right, no way. To calm myself down, he went for a walk on some rather sparse hills, never lived that were strewn with these strange, giant, jelly-like deposits. The blobby moor. Oh, sorry.

Anyway, they had the special, there were lots lots of fences, special places to climb over them. I've been very artistically designed, made out of these round chunks of wood. It was supposed to be like the bishops from a chess set, but that's actually more like a man's, you know, thingy. They were rather knobby styles. I think that deserved a little bit more. Just a little bit more. Just a little bit more. We had a collection of metal models of favourite film stars, Euston of Cepoldi, but then he dropped them and they fell under the wheels of passing Laurie.

Oh no, he said, my tin-peaters. Anyway, certainly he was the first man ever to cook a meal for three different US presidents, the first to use yellowfin tuna and a venison casserole, and the first to run an entire professional kitchen without spoons. That was a lot of chef first. Chef first. Anyway, and he liked to hide the sores in trees in his local woods and then go out and find them and shoot them.

He called it a roger hunt. Tough to out. go out and find them and shoot them. He called it a Roger Hunt. Tough crowd. Don't look in barassani, you deliberately asked this extra time. Tough crowd. This is now not extra time, this is penalties. But, um, he kept in touch with the managers from both sides, in fact, um, any, uh, he had a German friend who was so traumatized by his country's defeat, that as a gesture of goodwill, my friend gave him a photo of the two managers both sides, in fact, and he had a German friend. It was so traumatized by his country's defeat, that as a gesture of goodwill, my friend gave him a photo

of the two managers shaking hands off of the game in 1966. Ah, that is very nice, his friend said, I've put it on the ball, Al-Framsy picture. Al-Framsy picture. But what he hadn't noticed was that the German manager actually had his flies undone. Mid-all the excitement, he'd just unzipped his flies during extra time out of just accidentally.

And the end of his plonker was clearly visible. He had his helmet shurn. LAUGHTER I'm not even sure you need to know that. I think that was quite good. I mean, that was technically... APPLAUSE I mean...

Right. LAUGHTER I mean, right. I need to go away and think about what I've done, but luckily you didn't actually pay for that bit. So thank you very much for coming. There are further live bugles in London later in the year at the Leicester Square theatre if you're up in Edinburgh in August we're all doing shows the Edinburgh Festival you look surprised by that it's Montaway you know it's literally well I don't know months it's fractions of a month or three weeks away three weeks away or five weeks if you're me and only doing one one bit. One minstrel cycle if you got a short one. Oh, I wish. Well, this has been an interesting view. For a different, in many ways,

it's been a delightful crowd. I think I've already become a police show appreciated for a wonderful guest today. Alice Fraser! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the Magnumson Andrew Maxwell! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Give it up for Chris! F***ing F*** room for when football comes home after the third place playoff

on Saturday. See you next time. Thank you for listening and goodbye. you