The Bugle - Bugle 4094 – Weekend at Bernie’s

Episode Date: January 19, 2019

Andy is joined this week by Nish Kumar and Alice Fraser.Brexit continues to be a great source of fulfilment and happiness, we enjoy exposure to toxic masculinity and celebrate the redundancy (literally) of Robotic servants.@Hellobuglers@Alliterative@MrNishKumar@Wahwah_UK Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to a shoot 4,094 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugles, and welcome to issue 4,094 of the Bugle, the audio newspaper viewed by historians and scientists as the closest available equivalent to having an ancient Egyptian tomb full of topical hieroglyphs collapse on top of you while you're trying to steal stuff from a museum from it. I am Andy Zoltzman, and I've had enough. Lunch. So I'm all set and ready to go to sleep and joining me this we bloody fonts I'm telling you this is the last time I used fonts this

big as the bishop said to the Catholic elephant we are here sorry we are here in flounders. Sorry flounders as London is now known. And joining me to jab sticks into the already-putrifying flesh of this week's news to see if it makes a noise. Firstly, it's the man who leaves the trail of destruction in his wake wherever he goes on a football pitch. Ha ha ha ha! Next Kumar, hello Nick. Hello Andy. Hello Alice. Hello Bueglers. I play hard Andy. Yeah. I play hard. Also, let me I'll be spoiler alert. He hasn't introduced me yet. All right. Okay. Hello Andy. Hello Bugglers.

That's better. Hello no one. Let me just first say. Yeah. Lovely bit of business. Up the top. Papers rustling. Yeah. Foley. Yeah. It's a strong start to the episode. How are you? I'm all right. Thanks. How's your Brexit graph reading at the moment? My Brexit graph is like my cholesterol after my Christmas holiday to India and New York, worrying Lehigh. Worrying Lehigh, health endangering Lehigh, Andrew. Also joining us, without wishing to give anything anything away that's already been given away. On this historic day, the 211st anniversary of the first bits of the so-called first fleet,

carrying the first convicts from Britain to Australia arrived in Botany Bay with an update on how that little social experiment is going. It's the Southern Hemisphere's very own Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello Nish. I had nothing to say. Right. I'm here. Fair there. Having discussions about Australia Day and what day it should be on and whether it should have happened in the first place

and the answer is... Err... LAUGHTER Every day is Australia Day. Every day in Australia is Australia Day. And some days in New Zealand, though they don't want to admit it. Given the recent spike in racist violence around the time of Australia day, I imagine there's quite a few people on Australia who are really glad every day is not Australia day. I'm honest.

We are recording on the 18th of January on this day in 1896, HL Smith exhibited the world's first X-ray machine and coincidentally it was also on that same day, 18th of January 1896, on which someone thought for the very first time, I wonder if I can see through people's clothes with this. On this day in 1778, James Cook, celebrity star of exploration in the 18th century became the first known European to discover the Hawaiian Islands, which he called the Samwich Islands, was soon renamed Hawaii after Cook returned there the following year and was clunked on the head and stabbed to death on the beach whilst attempting to respond to a question from his chief cartographer, Granikus

Sclavard, who asked Skipper, just quickly while we're here and I've got my map kit out, what is this place called? Ha, guai! A bit of history for you. And on this day in 1486, Royal Wedding! Royal Wedding! Royal Wedding! Royal Wedding! Royal Wedding! Henry VII married Elizabeth of York. Thus uniting the previously warring houses of Lancaster and York in the aftermath of the Wars of the Roses, watch and learn modern princes. That's how you f**king get married. You marry for the political good of the country. Where were you, Prince Harry,

when we needed you to step up to our national plates and marry Michelle Barney, a Brussels chief Brexit and a Giochiator? Where were you, Prince William, when economic dictator that you should flutter to our national plates and marry Michelle Barney, a Brussels chief Brexit negotiator. Where were you, Prince William, when economics dictator that you should flutter your royal eyelids coquettishly at Warren Buffett and whisper, you are my kind of man in my role as a British public utility.

Adda, you're really missing out on the importance of Harry picking Meghan Markle though, because whilst it might not seem to have any geopolitical significance, it has secured suits on UK Netflix for the foreseeable future. After Brexit, it may be all we've got. As always, some sections of the people are going straight in the bin. This week, an audio cave paintings section. Here you go. Mo. Raw.

Bleat. Yeah, they're not that accurate or realistic. Just about tell what they are. Also in the bin this week, a 10 year challenge section, well you might have seen this week that celebrities and the latest social media craze have been proudly parading photos of themselves from 10 years ago, proving that they are indistinguishable on the grounds that they are essentially not human. They only share 2% of human DNA. This does not include the aging gene.

Anyway, who gives a shit what people look like 10 years ago? This is a podcast, and we want to know what people sounded like 10 years ago. So we are bringing you the audio, 10 year challenge. Here's Donald Trump now. I have the absolute right to declare a national emergency. The lawyers have so advised me, is Donald Trump now. by Congress, it was. Other presidents have used it some fairly often. I have the absolute right to declare a national emergency. I haven't done it yet. I may do it. If this doesn't work out, probably I will, though. I would almost say definitely. And now his Donald Trump from exactly 10 years ago in January 2009. For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus and non-believers.

We are shaped by every language and culture drawn from every end of this earth. Man has he changed Theresa May now the deal which I have worked to agree with the European Union was rejected by MPs and by a large margin I believe it is my duty to deliver on the British people's instruction to leave the European Union and I intend to do so. And his Theresa May in 2009. The best! The best! The best! The best! The best!

The best! That's the best thing to happen to Theresa May in a long time. The best! Winston Churchill. Today. Shhh. time. Winston Churchill today and now Winston Churchill from 10 years ago. But close to the home, I know what you're thinking, Bugle, what did I, Nish and Alice stand like 10 years ago're thinking, Bugleys, what did I?

Mission Alice stand like 10 years ago. Well, as luck would have it, we actually met on this day 10 years ago to record a pilot for a TV documentary series about wildlife on this planet. F***ing Attenborough, the dodgy old plagiarist got him before we could ever make. But anyway, here are some outtakes from der Start. All das VoiceOver-According. Also können wir bitte helfen. Das ist ein Grund, der hier zu sein ist. Aber was ist das? Was ist das? Was ist das? Ja, absolut. Wird Andy nicht so gut zu sein. Schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau, schau It's dumb perring on a Sunday! Shit, man, I f***ing know who I am! Does anyone want to see my tattoo of Mrs. Thatcher? He's your host again before I go to a wedding party. Uh, okay, Alice, we'll get to work on the nature documentary.

Rolling. Zebras are stripy horses that live in the jungle and taste of licorice all sorts, which is why lions like them the best. We've not changed at all. I think we've developed a little bit in different ways, but that's January 2009. Long time ago. Anyway, that section in the bin. Top story this week. Any guesses, any guesses, as big as we are in Britain at the moment. Well, it's been another dramatic week Brexit Britain in which not only have we discovered, interestingly, that not only did

us God routinely save the Queen thanks to our national theme song, but apparently, as evidenced by yesterday's dramatic car accident, she also has transferable, safe credits that she can cash in on her current boy whenever the need arises. But also, there was a record of feats for the government as our divinely elected in comfortocracy, continued to fumble our way towards the Brexit chapter of joyous freedom. Theresa May leading Britain through our uniquely British DIY quagmire with a shorthand of assurance of her had a conno quad bike. Incidentally, that is set to replace the Union Jackers as the flag of the UK, once we're free to my god own decisions as a country again, rather than sticking with the old shitting triangles or rectangle shit,

foisted on us by history. What was I talking about? Anyway, her reason my painstakingly negotiated deal with the EU was voted down by 430 to 200, basically, or in simpler terms, it was vomited back into her face like a baby bird with a profound allergy to worms. Nishes are official Britain going down the bank correspondent. How have you enjoyed this week's? Well, it's difficult to summarize because like the first two Star Wars pre-calls, absolutely everything has happened and yet somehow absolutely nothing has happened. Because if you think about it, we pretty much are where we were at the start of play, even though we have lived through one of the most momentous weeks in British

democratic history. To reason, most breaks's Brexit deal was rejected by 230 votes. Jeremy Corbyn then responded by tabling a vote of no confidence. Theresa May then won that no confidence vote by 325 to 306 votes. So the government can't pass the most important piece of legislation it needs to pass, and it also can't be removed. Now, I don't know how familiar you two are with the cinematic masterpiece, Wekenda Bernice. No, not massively.

Okay, it's essentially the story, and I believe it's sort of Brechti and drama, about two insurance company employees who pretend that their boss, who has died, is not dead and prop his body up for the duration of a Wekend Long Party at his beach house. Our government is now burning from weekend to burnies. It's essentially dead, but it's being propped up and trotted out because of the self-interest of a pack of absolute chances.

I was just trying to watch some Brexit stuff to get some information for this segment and it's just phenomenal. The more I hear about Brexit, the less I want to hear about Brexit. It's like everything that needs to be said has been said and people have carefully listened to the things that confirmed the initial attitude and ignored the rest.

It's like watching a gang of toddlers high on red food coloring, screaming angry secrets into one another's mouths. You know, they say, if you don't laugh, you'll cry, which is bullshit, because I spend most of my time neither laughing nor crying Actually, there are a range of other emotional options and I think maybe delicately balanced on the razor edge of apathetic rage Staring into a gray future of furiously uninformed vitriol is the most appropriate emotional response to this situation

The original vote as you will recall was delayed December. And it turns out that delay was crucial, because it allowed absolutely fuck all to happen. Apart from five more weeks to pass, the clever strategy being, well, if you hate it now, then one of two things will have happened. In five weeks' time, you'll have either have fallen head over heels in love with it. I may refer you now to a different cinematic masterpiece, Crocodile Dundy, with him and that pretty journalist. Who'd have thought they'd have got it on the way that film began? Interesting Australia fact, the whole of the

Crocodile Dundy movie is actually our national anthem. You haven't lived until you've seen a stadium full of people going, that's not a night. Also, we're now five weeks closer to Brexit day. Yeah. And nothing more has happened. So that means that essentially we've jumped out of the aeroplane and, you know, if someone has offered you, by wherever parachute, a large fajita. You would initially reject it. But if you are then 40% closer to the moment of impact, you're gonna fucking try anything. Oh God.

Yeah, and except fajita is far too ethnic of food to be a perfect Brexit analogy. It's more just a flat piece of bread or some sort of Eccles cake. Yeah, it's a terrible state of affairs. I think Eccles cake would give you quite a good cushioning on landing. Do you think so? From a, from a, yeah, a free fall.

No, of course he doesn't think so. He never says anything he thinks. Have you not met this man? Yes, we're ticking closer to a no deal. Now, at the moment, Jeremy Corbin is trying to continue his negotiations by refusing to negotiate, which is an interesting strategy, because he's insisting that to reason, I take the option of no deal off the table before he even begins negotiations. She's refusing to do that. So again, nothing is really happening. And all that's happening is that we're getting closer to a no deal Brexit, which this week, Jacob Brees Mog, a man who is,

I believe, under investigation by Herk Hill Puyrow, claimed would not be the end of the world, which is really not ideal. That's not what you want. That at a basic level. You got to set the bar slightly higher than not the end of all life on earth. Jacob Riesmark also by the way, he was one of the group of hard-brexters who didn't vote for Theresa May's deal and then celebrated his victory as only a man of the people can by having a champagne reception at his five bedroom mansion round the corner from Westminster Palace. What a guy, what a guy. But we're now lurching closer to a no-deal Brexit. Now that could mean queues at Dover, shortages of

food and medication, and the one thing we keep being told is don't worry, we'll survive it because we survived the Second World War. Now, a couple of problems with that. Firstly, statistically untrue. Secondly, at the time we were able to pull resources from our extensive empire, from what I can tell our empire now consists of Gibraltar and the British Museum. So I mean, we're all going to have to develop a taste for ancient Egyptian artefacts. And also, the most important element of that sentence is we did not survive the second world war. They very much survived the second world war.

Very important pronoun use. We are not capable of surviving anything. I don't remember watching that stupid f***ing Churchill movie and seeing a kid in the back plane candy crush on his iPhone. We could not survive a bunch of drones flying over Gatwick Airport. I mean, us having to eat the contents of the British Museum brings new meaning to the phrase yummy mummy. As you said, there's a lot of worries about what may happen

in the event of what's called a hard breach, or the belief that the technical term is f***ing competent Brexit. I should have said, Tudon, calm, num, num, num, num. Sorry. I feel like we might have lost Alice for the rest of the podcast. Could medicines run out? Well, yes, but who needs health when you have an indefinable sense of national freedom? Could the NHS be understaffed?

Oh, just look it up on the internet. Medical research funding could be cut. Well, I mean, if you've been to a pharmacist like, you know, there's f**k loads of medicines as it is. Besides, what's wrong with a bit of British trial and error? It's what built Stonehenge. Okay, it didn't really work. Stonehenge is a multi-story ox park, but still. What happens? This is one of the very grave concerns

about what may happen if there is a no-deal Brexit. What happens if Boris Johnson doesn't f*** off? She's looking increasingly likely. He today denied ever making remarks about Turkey during the build up to the referendum, only to be contradicted by facts and a letter that he'd written to the Irtefine General Michael Gove and David F. Cameron, as he's now officially known. Are you sure it's not David F.C. Cameron? I think there might be a C in there Andy. Right. What if we are left alone with ourselves? This

is the most important question I think. What if we are left alone with ourselves to mull over exactly what we've become as a nation and the withered husk that remains off we've plugged off every public asset apart from the Queen's Corgis and then blamed it all on Brussels. That does not bear thinking about the no medicines and no food I can cope with. Being left alone with ourselves to shove a mirror up our own ass. In a way, it will be fitting if we're left

with not enough medication and people just have to take an entirely irrelevant medicine for whatever condition they're suffering from. Because in a sense, the whole of Brexit is a kind of misdiagnosis. Because there are a lot of problems in this country, massive inequality, people living below the poverty level, people using food banks. And that was a problem. But Brexit was not the cure.

And the entire Brexit process is essentially prescribing someone with a headache to have their foot cut off. Because now you've not solved the original problem. And he's got a f*** of a lot more on his plate than he had when he started. The moment it was the soul of the British populist boy George tweeted in response to these Brexit debates, I'm moving to Scotland to a generally welcoming response from Scottish Twitter, but a spokesman for boy George has clarified he was joking. Also most concernedingly, a spokesman for Britain has clarified that Scotland is still in Britain. The European reaction has essentially been cascular f***.

That was the day for my French textbook when I did GCSE. The second referendum still doesn't seem to be gaining as much traction as you might think it would. Yeah, because this seems to be an argument that if you have a second referendum, that they'll be sort of fascist violence in the street. I mean, now two problems are that. Firstly, they're already as fascist violence in the street. We've already had an MPB murdered by one of them and a couple of them have been threatening

anti-Brexit and left-wing campaigners in the last couple of weeks. But also, I really don't think the solution to fascists is to give in to them. I mean, I'm pretty sure Winston Churchill didn't say we will give in on the beaches. We will concede ground where possible on the beaches. There's some spectacular radio phonens as you would expect. Just weak. And I did hear someone saying, if we have another referendum, it will be the end of democracy in this country, rather than being another bit of democracy. If we have another referendum, we'll be living in a dictatorship.

I mean, that's us. How's that sentence exist such as the confusing time? Classic sign of a dictatorship. Many referendums. Hitler was an absolute bugger for a referendum. But maybe it sits in mathematical things like a double neck, democracy times democracy equals dictator. Not democracy squared. I mean, I don't know if a second referendum is the right solution, but it seems like an odd thing to say. It's an anti-democratic move. Like when you ask someone on a date and then on a fourth date, you realize they're simultaneously boring and impossibly complicated

and you decide you don't want to keep seeing that person. But they're like, you said you wanted to go on a date with me. Why would you change your mind? You're a monster who hates democracy touch my junk. LAUGHTER You know, how that happens. I mean, the danger of the second referendum is obviously that we would just continue to vote leave.

But also, they might have to put... It might have to be more complicated options on the ballot paper. It might not be leave or or remain. It might be remain to reason May's deal or no deal. Time machine just back to make it the 50s again. Yeah. Uh, four so 50. Yeah.

The normal. Or one option that just says, get rid of the browns. I actually that would get a surprising amount of traction. Um, but as a nation, we have proved that if asked we cannot be trusted to not select the option that's kick yourself in the fun bags That was another Theresa my single from Kick yourself in the fun bags. I mean, I think a second referendum is useful given the way that British people approach Social situations where you're like would you like a cup of tea and they go?

Oh, no, no, I couldn't possibly and then you go But would you like a cup of tea and they're like yes, I love a cup of tea Maybe it's just a polite refusal hoping for a second more strenuous offer No, no, I couldn't possibly. And then you go, but would you like a cup of tea? And they're like, yes, I'd love a cup of tea. Maybe it's just a polite refusal, hoping for a second more strenuous offer. This is a really interesting thing that you've brought up in regards to something that happened this week.

Because it's really weird when you're part of a group, you don't really have a sense of what your like is a group. And it's only when someone, an outsider, for example, Alice, outsider obviously being polite term for fucking immigrant who will soon be rid of, oh no no wait, she's white, that's fine, right? It's a really interesting how we use your seed as a people because a group of German politicians and business leaders, including Anna Gret Kramp-Karrenbaer, who's the women who's primed to take over from Angle and Miracle have sent an open letter to the British people. And they've sort of basically essentially, not begging us to cancel Brexit,

but at least saying that the diplomatic channels and the possibility of returning will still be open to us after Brexit. And one of the lines in the letter says, we would miss the legendary British black humour. First of all, there'll be no black after Brexit. And going to the pub after work hours to drink an ale, we would miss tea with milk and driving on the left hand side of the road,

and we would miss seeing the pant over Christmas. Is that what we are as a nation? Is that what you get pissed on flat beer and drowning out tea in milk? You know what? Andy, I'm pro Brexit. I want out of this bullshit. Well, that was basically the level of the campaign from both sides, isn't it? Do we drink that much tea? Why is it everyone sees us through the prism of tea? Oh, because that is how you are perceived. Like this is just, I mean, would

you prefer they said we will miss the morning about our damp feet? How do they manage to be damp? We're in Europe, we have central heating, but somehow all of you British feet are always wet. Like you don't want them to be saying that. Tee is the nicest thing they can say about me. Oh, look, look, I mean, yes, I mean, it's fair, we built T into an interval in our national sport. Yeah.

So by which I'm what I consider my national sport. I mean, if we're being completely honest and accurate, the two things we should be known for are binge drinking and sexual repression, but it's probably not good to put that in a letter. Or a dating profile. or a dating profile. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

MUSIC Toxic masculinity news now. And, well, it's been an interesting week in the world of adverts addressing the issue of Toxic masculinity. Gillette, the celebrity razor and shaving foam manufacturer, of issued an advert which didn't really refer to anything to do with shaving. And it's split opinion this Gillette advert, all about the nature of masculinity

and where the men can move on from some of the things that men may have been doing wrong in the past. And the question of the reason was this, a smug self-satisfied virtue signal and commercially cynical banwagon jump-jacking, smear-attacking of all men with the same presumptive brush, or was it an attempt to educate men in the new realities of a progress and progressing world in a smug self-satisfied virtue, commercial, cynical, banwagon jumping away. It was both of those, essentially, was it not? Yes, indeed, Andy. The hot takes are piling up like hot cakes on a hot cake shop slate.

And add for men's raises, told men that they can be better men and some men are angry about it and other men are angry that those men are angry. And women are either angry at the original men or angry at advertising in general and quite vindictively pleased that men are getting a taste of how it feels to be told you're a piece of shit by a marketing company. This is one of the stories I resent being asked to have an opinion on because it only became a big deal when news media saw about six tweets from bots and peers Morgan, who I would say is a bot except no robot could possibly function with the amount of jizzy bin juice

running through its pipes. I just feel like trying to change the status quo of society through the medium of getting annoyed about how annoyed other people are about ads is like trying to ask someone out by touch typing a love letter with mittens on and telling a street pigeon to deliver it. Like I'll be impressed if it works, but I feel there are more efficient ways to get laid. The advert showed men doing traditionally menly activities in the past, such as bullying, sexual assault and mass-moment style barbecues. Then being educoxed by other men into new style refangled 2019 vintage Menlio testosterone behavioral such as not bullying, not committing sexual assault and cooking ethical vegan hot dogs using only the warmth of their newly enlightened human hearts. Not entirely clear, Nisha, how this sells razors or shaving foam. I would have thought it'd be far more effective to just do a montage of incompletely shaven

men such as Hitler, Stalin and Assama bin Laden, and set that against cleanly shaven men such as Roger Federer, Mozart and me, with the slogan, Join the Dots the dots hairy face with all due respect. Yeah, thank you Andy. I was that centre was worrying, like close to being a hate crime. I mean, I think this is that is part of the problem, isn't it? There has become a vogue for men to have bids. So big razor, which obviously I know was your wrestling name, and the shaving industrial complex have panicked and are now having to resort to try and advertise to sort of lay mass hipsters who have been growing beards. I think this is a panic move from the razor companies.

Obviously, there is an enormous correlation between the people getting up such as my old friend and by friend, I mean, absolutely not friend. Here's Morgan. There is a massive correlation between people getting upset about this and also people who tell other people to stop being such s**tking snowflakes all the time.

I just, I just, these kind of stories where everyone has an opinion and then an opinion on other people's opinion is like a bad case of crotch-ish or flat rash if you prefer, where the more you scratch at the more you scratch at the more. Now flat rash was my wrestling name. The more you scratch, the more you scratch it Now flat rash was my wrestling name. The more you scratch the more you spread the rash except in this case your fingers are made of

thrush and mosquitoes and you keep asking people if they want to be fingered by a thrushy mosquito fingers and everyone keeps saying yes for some reason what an irresistible offer. Family shock. Thrush and mosquitoes. Is that an ISIS single? What do you use Andy?

You're a clean shaver gentleman. How do you extract the beard? Do you use a girly man, jellet bullshit razor? Or do you use what God and nature intended? Which is a steak knife? Well, no, I use neither of those things. I use my own fingernails.

And I found... I'll just... Just all I need to do is just watch the news at the moment. And just the process of scratching my own face... ...infrastration... ...peaks me... ...smooth as a day I was born. Zoltman's fingernails, the best a man can get.

I mean, I noticed no one's asked me how I shaved my beard, which I think is sexism. This is toxic, myself. I mean, Gillette, in terms of promotional activity, there are a lot of pain to themselves into a corner, historically, by basing their entire advertising history on the idea that removing hair from your face with a razor was roughly akin to stalking, chasing down and manually slaying a saber to the T-Rex on the plains of Siberia,

wearing only a shark skin jock strap, rather than being a mildly irritating management of a basic biological process as it is. No, so they have to go big, don't they? And the famous slogan, Gillette, the best a man can get, rather overplay the wondrous life-changing power of a device that takes little bits of hair

off your cheeky weekies. What the advert was saying is this new advert in a smug third millennium advert kind of way was simply don't be a So similar in many ways with the teachings of the former alleged male Messiah Jesus Christ Who's philosophy can pretty much be summed up as that. Now there was, and if no offense to anyone, a f***ing hippie in need of a razor.

Also, he was a man's man, wasn't he? I mean, he liked nothing more than hanging around with his 12 besties, two in the cupboard and sinking some beers. Yeah. Wouldn't he allow these days, would it? Building some tables, pop into a hallhouse? Classic mountaineer activities. A number of questions have been asked in the art of the art of this.

Why can't men be men? The answer which is they can. Why can't we just let boys be boys? We can and we infatically do. Why can't men act these days like ancient Roman men doing films on TV shows anymore? Well, they can, as long as they do it with other consenting would be ancient Romans. And in a toga. In a toga, and acknowledging that such behavior will ultimately lead to their collapse and downfall. And, I mean, where will it end? Well, actually, another thing, isn't it? Where will it end? Will men no longer be allowed to talk about men's things whilst playing golf with each other like men. They won't, they won't be allowed to. But left to talk about flowers and bras and stuff. So slippery, like you can't, you can't recork that Pandora's box. No, the genie is out and she is playing Mary

Hell. There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity, but what are the forms of masculinity are there other than toxic? I don't think either you or I is qualified to make any comments about masculinity. From my research, there is a coccyx masculinity. You spend most of your time sitting on your ass watching sport, that one's still okay, isn't it? That one, please say that one's still okay. There's sock-shick masculinity in which men express their style and male Independence by wearing expensive and fashionable socks embroidered with everyday scenes of men bravely not harassing women. There's box-ish masculinity in which you attempt to model yourself your body, your lifestyle, and your football on the skillful former Croatian forward, Alan Box. Oh, that signed me up for that one. Box-ish was a hell of a player.

It was a hell of a player and a player with whom you have nothing footballingly in common. Oh, Andrew, please. I mean, I could dog outfit and cut his tail off you are right I should probably stop. I mean I just sort of puzzled by all of the kind of traditional representations of strong silent, stoical brave masculinity that they seem to have lived out the very important part of masculinity, which is going on Twitter and telling women they're all full. Listen, if a man cannot do that in the comfort of his own office, then what is the point of bigger man?

More advertising news now, a poster campaign by Red Bull has been banned for wrongly implying that the energy drink has health benefits, including increasing focus and concentration. Posters shown on the London Underground suggested Red Bull could help workers finish their work and get home by 4pm and complaints said it was promoting health claims it could not back. Red Bull argued to the Advertising Standards Association it was just promoting its own National 4pm finish day, which it had just made up. Also, on the underground, you do not want the drivers of those trains being influenced

by that atmosphere. I mean, the whole thing is, of course it's bullshit. Everyone knows energy drinks won't make you finish early. Energy drinks will make you stick around for three hours of quivering over time, alternately congratulating yourself on your work of staggering genius and having panic attacks. Only to wake up the next day and find out you spent 14 hours writing the word potato a thousand times in pasting it into Excel spreadsheets. Also has been part of our Brexit negotiation strategy.

David Davis is absolutely up to his eyes in monster. Can I just say, I don't really understand where people are watching Adverts anymore, because most of the television I consume is through sort of on-demand sources. I skip ad on YouTube, and I've managed to time my cinema visits so that I avoid the adverts and hit the trailers. Ever since, there was an advert for a car a couple of years ago that used the dead press song hip hop and when

I saw it I became so angry on nearly passed out and since then I've managed to cut advertising entirely out of my life. I'm not sure how people are- Well he's a poster on the tubes we don't all have special limo's niche. Yeah, yeah, which I annoyingly used to drive me onto the tube causing huge inconvenience on the central line. A quick America update now and um it's got a jail, it's got a jail. Well, is he going to jail? I mean the latest in a Buzzfeed article has suggested that and there is no proof of this niche other than the basic assumption that it's probably true. That Donald Trump ordered his lawyer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress and encourage him to set up a meeting with Vladimir Putin.

I mean, it does seem that what essentially Trump's best hope now might be to just keep that shutdown going forever so that no corporums are in operation until at least 300 years from now. I mean, clearly, you know, we don't know the full evidence yet and, you know, no smoke without fire. Of course, it's written into the Magdalene Carter and the... The better smoke machine. Well, yeah, that does a pretty day. And also, Trump is reaching the stage now where he is essentially standing in the fire, shouting, it's not fire, it's a load of dance and carrots. LAUGHTER I watched the movie Vice over the Christmas holidays

and the more and more I see President Trump. I saw an interview with Christian Bail afterwards that said he was no longer going to gain weight for roles because it was starting to endanger his health. Well, not up-bale. You're going to have to gain more weight than you thought possible and disguise it in an 80s power suit to complete Adam McKay's inevitable third part of his trilogy of American Tragedy. He's going to jail. Don't take this away from me Andy. I need this. I can't with Brexit, I can't survive with that the only hope is that I see Trump get absolutely shorthanded into oblivion. That's the only thing I've got left.

Robots not taking the world over after all news now and it turns out that robots are f***ing shit at their jobs. A hotel in Japan has sacked half of its robots as a robot hotel where the staff are robots because the robots working there were so shit that they created more work for the humans controlling the robots. I mean this is great news for everyone fearing the automation apocalypse that is surely coming. I mean my favourite part of the story is the velociraptors at the front counter now need a human supervisor to do all the velociraptors work because the velociraptor can't for example. a human supervisor to do all the Velociraptors work because the Velociraptor can't, for example. Alex, you can't just say my favourite bit is the Velociraptor's at the front counter,

as if that's just a standard feature of all hotels. Yeah, it's not even a dinosaur themed hotel. That's what I can't work out what the theme of this hotel is. And why would you not leave your Velociraptor doing the thing it's good at, which is opening doors? Rather than greeting guests at the front counter like the world's most menacing May to D. Interesting note May to D is actually Latin for Mother's penis Just imagine that being your job. I'm a personal assistant for a non-sentient mechanical proto-chicken Because it can't do photocopy. I mean, I do think the velociraptor at the front counter is a phrase to settle alongside the elephant in the room.

No, I'm maybe it's sort of a new Brexit. We don't have an elephant in the room now with Brexit. We have a velociraptor at the front counter. I'm very worried because those two velociraptor robots have been decommissioned. And if I learned nothing from early to mid-90s dystopian science fiction action movies, and if I'm honest, I learned very little from anything else in that period of time, it's that the two things you can't trust are supposedly decommissioned robots and Velociraptors.

I'm just saying the last thing we need in this economy is unemployed robots taking all the jobs in the gig economy, right? I've got nothing against robots. I just think they should go back to where they came from sci-fi novels and leave the menial underpaid grant work to immigrants who belong. It does where I certain workplace equality issues because many robots are actually paid less than women for the same work. And they're a way way fewer robots in the ballrooms of top global business than there are women. So so much for equality, Mrs. Pocker-Honhurst. Well, that draws us to the end of this week's, this week's bugle. I'm sure by next week, uh, Brecht will be fine. It'll be done. What are we basing that on? Nothing. The trend, isn't it?

Wishful thinking. I mean, you can just go and missionally can keep coming. Don't forget to book your tickets to the forthcoming bugle tour of the United States of America, beginning on the 26th of February and running through to kind of midway through March. Details on the internet and do bring all of your friends. Anything to plug? I've got a tour yet. I start next, it's, it's of the UK. I start next week in Belfast and some of the dates are selling surprisingly well and others of the dates are selling as expected. Yeah, especially if you live in Scotland and know

about two and a half thousand people, can you disperse them to Aberdeen, Dunn, Firmland and Glasgow please for the love of God? I have a show on the 17th of February in London. I will be filming my show Ethos at the Museum of Comedy and tickets are available now at the Museum of Comedy website. And it'll be there and there's two times because I'm filming it twice because I assume I'll make some mistakes. That's my double-legged with the robot show. Thank you, well, Iian ink meagalus. Until next time, goodbye. Goodbye.