The Bugle - Bugle 4116 - The Experiment is Complete

Episode Date: July 28, 2019

Andy is joined by Tom Ballard and Nato Green calls in from San Francisco.As Boris Johnson becomes Prime Minister in the UK, Democrats line up to take on President Trump in the USA. Australia steps up it’s arms business. Everyone else is left hoping for either a heatwave to melt the planet or alternatively, an Asteroid could intervene.@Hellobuglers@TomCBallard@NatoGreen Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to the last ever Bughal.

The four-mile summer holiday. There will be further Bughals after. I am Andy Zoltzmann, and we are here in London, where I'm in fact, not going to be for a Monday for two weeks, as I decompress from my ludicrous summer of excessive cricket watching. London still to update you from last week, still awaiting liberation, air drops, anything from the international community, as our democracy has been ripped from us. Come on, what the f*** could Berlin have that we don't? At least we're still

cricket world cup champions, there's always that. I'm joined today from all corners of the earth, well, Australia and the USA, which covers most corners of the earth, Australia and the USA which covers most corners of the earth I think firstly here in the studio and yet another Australian comedian who is coming over here Doing their own job entertaining our women and children. It is Tom Balon Why aren't I entertaining them in well, that's why it's the complaint isn't coming over here taking our stealing our Women children jobs, but I know whatever our stealing our women, children, jobs, potatoes, whatever it is. Stealing our children. Yeah, I don't know, I'm a bit out of the loop. You gotta get your racists turned around. I'm getting ready for Boris's Brickney.

It doesn't matter what you say. It's all about the tone you say it. A pleasure to be here in this shitty country, Eddie. Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure. Welcome back, House Australia being. Oh, just loving it too. We had an election this year, I've shown it as covered on the show,

in which we had a chance to make things marginally better and we said no thanks. No thanks. So it's lovely to be here where you guys have really leaned into that. Yes, a dance as old as democracy itself. The self-hating tango of politics. And joining us from the west coast of the USA,

San Francisco is the man who is half intergovernmental military alliance, half crucial part of a golf course. It's Nito Green. Hello, Andy. Hello, Buglers. Glad to be back with you. Great. Great to have you, Nito. You are... Well, we're already deep into the afternoon here in London,

early morning in in San Francisco house, you know, house today being so far over there. So far it's amazing. I woke up. I made up out of coffee. I'm tooling around in the house in my Star Wars pajamas. I'm glad you finally got a break from cricket Andy. I have a question though. All right. Okay. Good. Can you tell me? Why is cricket called cricket? Oh, you can't ask questions like that. I mean, it's just is You know, that's just just the way that the the fates decided it I'm not sure. I think it's some assume I should always assumed it's something on a matter of a

Ball hitting a bat and the echo off. And it makes that noise. It's pretty good. Yep. God. You sound disgusted by that. That story is as boring as the game itself. Personally, I don't really understand sports. I don't follow sports. I prefer to derive my sense of self worth

from my own achievements. I don't need to watch anyone else's physical attainment to justify my heavy drinking. I do like the experience of being a fan though. I root for one team and it's the global working class who I believe just took all the wickets in Puerto Rico. Well, you know, that's the joy sport isn't it good to support an underdog? I mean, they're on a bit of a losing run the working class.

Yeah, they had a rough season though. Well, they've had a rough start to the millennium. I think I'll be, was eight or 10 millennials in a row that they've, they've really struggled to get out of the blocks early. Just the one I think. And I know, but next time, man, next time, this year, this is our year. I'm actually in the UK, and I working visa, and that visa allows me to do any work that complies with British or EU regulations, except a professional sports person or sports coach. Got it!

That was going to be my fall back. If COVID didn't work for it, I was going to coach scum thought you'd either. So one sport joke I have every other day. Right. That's good. You know, that can be a gateway, Tom. Do you embracing the true way?

We are recording on the 26th of July. On this day in 1745 was the first recorded women's cricket match. And just 254 short years later, the MCC allowed women in the pavilion at Lawrence. Who says you can't hurry progress? This is Bugle 4,116 for the week beginning Monday, the 29th of July. On this day in the year 238, in Rome, the two empires, they had two empires at the same time as the year of the sixth empires, 238. That's a lot of empires to get through in a year. Pupeanus, that is his correct name and the Balbenus were well dragged through the and execute it. That's got to be a disappointing

though, when you're an emperor. I mean, don't you take the positives out of that and oppress comrades off it, you know, something to take of what I build on. It's bad, it's bad. And they were a place to really add insult to fatal injury by a 13 year old, I guess, you know, if you're good enough, you're old enough, Gaudi in the third proclaimed emperor. Youngest, sole legal Roman emperor. What a terrific, terrific effort from the young lad. They got through six emperors in the year 238. That's a high rate of turnover for emperors. But I mean, would that, you know,

we've just got onto our second prime minister of the year. And frankly, if I could be promised that by the end of the year, we'd have had six, I would be absolutely f***ing delighted. Emperor is like the gig economy, it's like driving for Uber. Well to be honest it was pretty much like that in ancient Rome in the third century. They got through, I can't remember talking about this on the bugle years ago, they got through something like 30 emperors in about 70 years and only two of them died of natural

causes. That's the way to do politics. Don't let anyone settle and get comfortable. All right. Any's used to not reflect those of other guests or the podcast who may have made up be here at a working visa. It could be deported to merely suggest the idea that a certain privateist should be in any way executed like a railroad.

No, I'm not saying they should be executed. I'm just saying short terms of office could be the way to go forward. The Praetorian Guard no less stormed the palace and captured Poopieanus and Balbenus, the two Empress dragged them through the streets of Rome and executed them, actually. I cannot accept that that is his name. Sell it for me.

P-U-P-I-E-N-U-A. Did you say the other guy is named ball penis? He's heading that way. Anyway, no wonder they were, you know, just to bring some dignity back to the office of Emperor, they were executed and replaced by 13 year old. That is a bad day. Bad day is an Emperor.

If you think you've had a bad day today, it was not as bad as poopy heinous on the 20th of July. Did the 13 year old name poopy heinous? Uh, you just, on by that stage, Roman pretty much clocked off in terms of making any sense. Yeah, they're done. Yeah. A section in the bin this week, there is no section in the bin this week due to time constraints. Stroke me waking up late. Last beautiful before holiday. I've never seen that in actual paper. Just a section black goat. No, it was a bit tired, holidays on Monday.

Well, I mean, newspapers could do, could should do that. That should be sure to, yes. I mean, does anyone really need a fashion section? Is there not, are there not enough different clothes in the world already? There are definitely enough recipes in the world. And enough, you know, looking at other people's houses, just leave it blank, Let people color it in.

Write your own news. Just every newspaper now should have a fake news page. It's just left blank. Believe it's space for a headline. You can draw a little cartoon and just write your own news. Make the world better for yourself. Top story this week. The experiment is complete. The Two twin embryos developed in a

Soviet lab sometime in the 1940s, secretly infiltrated into the USA and the UK. And now President and Prime Minister respectively. We did it everyone. Tassed with fulfilling the dreams of their supporters and power-humping their countries back to a mythical Elysian past that never even came close to truly existing. Tom, you've come to Britain an interesting time in our democratic history for one of our two better words. Obviously democracy has always been a little bit of a sham, but a big bit of a sham,

but now the shams are at least having a bare face balls to sham it up shammily with quite brazen, sham, shame, business. In a way, maybe we should just appreciate their openness and honesty, no more pretence, just to flat out. No questions answered, cards under the table,s in the whiskey glass. Travesty. So I mean, Thomas, as an outside and when you are used to changing prime ministers in Australia on a almost weekly basis, we love it over there. From one in adequate to the next.

And I mean, I think what's surprised most people is having gone from various in adequate to the next, the extent to which we've gone even more inadequate with Boris, what's the, as a representative of the global community? What is the outsider's view of unelected? Actually, I think it's a beautiful story. I think it sends a wonderful message. You're going to have to flesh out your work here. Well, I'm just saying to all the children out there across the UK just says that no matter who you are, or where you're from, you're f***** because Boris Johnson is the prime minister.

That's inspiring. At last, equality. Equality. You call him Bojo? This is good, actually. He's Boris Johnson. He's Bojo. We have Scott Morrison in Australia.

We call him Scomo. Donald Trump is the president and we call him racist. And a stupid fucking head who's stupid in the head and is fucking is dumb and shit and bad. So it's actually funny how we all sort of line up that way. Interesting. That's all the stars and lining. I'm NATO from America.

So I mean, Boris Johnson, the Trump you could have had. That's still KT, but slightly less k**i than your own version. He was born in America. Yeah, yes. Oh, that's a bullet we really could have dodged. Don't blame us for this. This is your problem. Leave us out of it.

I'm not usually trying to be so petty, but Boris Johnson is uncommonly ugly. Like, if a casting director put out a casting call for an unattractive British person, and he showed up, they'd say, no, that's two on the nose. I said I wanted an ugly British person, so like this, but less so. So that's mostly what we think about when we see Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson looks like if you shot Donald Trump out of a cannon. I mean, how many times have you dreamed of that happening? It was a huge day, the whole sort of transition.

I don't know if you saw Theresa May giving a final address outside of a Danny Strait, a protest to yelled out, stop Brexit! And May said, I think the answer to that is, I think not, which was actually recorded as the most vicious and devastating burn in British political history. Oscar Wilde's ghost heard that in Zed Bidhash. And his speech was very inspiring, I thought. He said, our job is to deliver Brexit by October 31st.

I just love that people are still using the term deliver in reference to Brexit. That's kind of implies that it's like a delicious pizza. The people have ordered and just can't wait for it. Or it's a shit pizza, Boris. You're not delivered. You will inflict the pizza. You will unleash the Brexit pizza. You will defecate the pizza.

You will be the harbinger of Brexit, I think. Right, I mean I always saw it more as some kind of freakish alien baby that has now been gestating for three years and God knows what the f*** is going to emerge when it is finally delivered. Boris Johnson's in his inaugural speech promised to give Britain the leadership it deserves. I thought to reason why it was already doing that. We deserve even worse than that. I know we've been naughty, but not surely not that bad. He said, thank you all for the incredible honor you have done me to the 90,000 people who've elected him.

He said, the time for campaigning is over. And the time for work begins. I mean, bear in mind he has been foreign sectors. I'm really now. Does work begin? The work to unite our country and party, deliver Brexit and defeat Corbyn. So he wants to unite the country and deliver Brexit. Those two are not compatible things. Indeed, as I've said many more times before, Britain, I'm not sure Britain has ever been united and that it has in common with essentially every other country that has ever existed will ever exist or currently exists. Come, they aren't united, are they? How united is Australia? United, Holly. How United is Australia? We were united at the Olympics for about a day. I think you guys were united on the Bodiumic boat base thing. I think that was the moment

when you came together and enjoyed the London Olympics. I mean, apart from the resentment that it was all happening in London from other parts of the country. Out of sure. Yeah, everything happens in London. Of the government's, the borrower's just announced, it's just going to build a new high speed railing. It's just going to go round and round London 24-hour train just going to build a new high speed railing. It's just going to go round and round London. 24-hour train just going absolutely nowhere, and ending up back in King's Cross. NATO, I mean, America, of course,

is famous for the unwritten ironic quote marks around the United of its name. Do you look at Britain now and think, you know, we're challenging you for most inappropriate use of the word united in the title of a country? Yeah, whatever people say that they want to unite the country, I always think, do I want that? There are some people I really don't want to be united with.

I mean, I don't know if the story's made it across the water, but I would rather not be part of a united country with, say, Jeffrey epstein noted billionaire and child rapist like can we leave him out of the unity you know if there's any if if there's ever any political ventiagram where jeffrey epstein and me are in the same thing then something is going to horribly wrong so I actually think that that united should not be a goal of barletex. I think defeat of evil should be the goal. Perhaps justice. I would take justice. Competence would be nice. Not unity. He said that his job is to deliver Brexit by October 31st, but then he also said by 2050,

it is more than possible that United Kingdom will be the greatest and most prosperous economy in Europe. So apparently by 2050 the UK will go back back in in what I assume will be a re-bren tree. He's very optimistic. He said that by 2050, the UK is going to become the greatest place on earth. Now, unfortunately, by 2050, that's going to be very low bar. Like most of the earth will be underwater on fire covered in the carcasses of dead bees. And no doubt America will still be suffering under the fourth term of a Jeffrey Epstein presidency, NATO. So thank you, me to shoot. I read Boris Johnson said he was going to take the UK out of the EU by October, quote,

do or die. That sounds like a good basis for a second referendum, whether Boris Johnson should do or die. I think there would be probably a landslide vote if people had the option of voting for Boris Johnson to die. Well, good girl, respect the one of the people. His cabinet is recently announced,

I'm gonna eat cold pretty much everyone in the cabinet, which usually you wouldn't be that upset about other than what they've been replaced with. It's very much a cabinet. Well, essentially it's a who's who of who shouldn't be that upset about other than what they've been replaced with. It's very much a cabinet. Well, essentially, it's a who's who of who shouldn't be who. Dominic Rob back didn't know Dave was an important port. Jacob Riesmog, as now, cabinet, how's this? How do I explain this? He's barely even a one-dimensional caricature. I have to sit my children down. And so, yeah, this, you know, I have told you,

that's important to live in a democratic free society. Then that, and now this, that's very difficult for me. Are those glasses he's wearing, or are they two severed monocles that are just slowly fused together with the power of inbreeding? Is that how they, he's come around? It was a big reshuffle, a half the cabinet went, what a concert of MP Nigel Evans described the change

as a summer's day massacre, which, you know, if you get a havin' massacre, Sun's out guns out. Yeah. That's nice, and a pretty battella's the home secretary, what do you think of her? Well, I mean, I mean, she's clearly very good at multitasking as she's been being paid a ridiculous amount

of money for doing odd jobs on the side. How much f**king free time do you have? Boris Johnson, despite appointing this cabinet of flounderingly incompetent totes and barely hinged fantasists, and with Brexit masterminding, democracy manipulating Ubershoch to Dominic Cummins, pulling the strings behind the harrowing scenes in accordance with the Democratic will of the people, of course. Boris Johnson has surprisingly pledged that this heralds the start of a new golden age. For proof, a new British golden age,

which one assumes has made the rest of the world think, you reckon we're gonna fall for that shit again? No f**king chance, unless you've created an even better sport than cricket, which of course is philosophically impossible. Some people are very excited about Boris getting the top job, including collect, columnist, and extremely popular friend, Magnet Toby Young.

Did you see this? Oh, no, I missed this. You read a profile about Boris Johnson, recalling when he first met him at Oxford, and he found him to be, quote, fizzing with Vim and Vinegar, bursting with spunk as he once put it, explaining why he needs so many different female partners. First thing with Spunk as he once put it, explaining why he needs so

many different female partners. Bursting with Spunk was your first Edinburgh show, is that right Andy? Or is that rupturing with Jizam? I always get them confused. I forget which one was which. Well, I mean, I did two shows that year. Toby Young also described Boris as a cross between Hugh Grant and a silverback gorilla. Richard Curtis, do not write that fill.

Put the pen down. Busting with spun candy. Well, I mean, that's good because there was talk of a sperm shortage actually after Brexit. Right, we'll be able to suck that up again. We won't be able to import all the Danish sperm that has been supplying our IVF clinics. And the I have spent literally months trying to work out a joke about Brexit and the problem of the Irish backstop and neatly connecting both to the expression, the Irish goodbye, which, if you don't know, refers to leaving a party without saying goodbye.

In other words, the exact opposite of Brexit, which is an interminable and public embarrassment of a goodbye, and the irony of an expression about leaving a people oppressed by Britain, representing the opposite of the British politics of leaving, but the joke itself collapsed under the absurdity of its own contradictions, and I keep hoping the EU will put me out of my misery. keep hoping the EU will put me out of my misery. Set up punchline. First rule of comedy.

NATO, obviously we're not the only democratic country in the world. You and America, of course, are great democracy in the world, trademark. And gearing up for a presidential election next year, obviously the prospect of a second term for Donald Trump is deeply unappealing for approximately seven billion people in the world. Is there anyone who can stop him? You've been looking at the democratic primaries for us as the bugle American politics correspondent. Yes, there are some people who think that they can stop him. In fact, about five of them uh...

there are at this point uh... more democrats running for president there are marvel movies which is too many in fact there are so many democrats who are just white guys whose names i can't remember if there was the seven dwarves of boring white guy democratic presidential candidates like you know how you always forget one? Like there's grumpy, sleepy, bashful, happy, de Blasio, Biden, and Doc. Everyone always forgets de Blasio.

And so, and then like if you remember the part of the movie, the seven dwarves, Biden is the one who keeps rubbing snow white shoulders when she did not ask him to. So, and I was trying to figure out like, are any of these people even popular? So the economist just did a poll and 11 of these people are polling at zero. 11 of them. Do you realize how hard it is to poll at zero? Particularly when the margin of error is plus or minus 2%. Uh, it means that you could be at negative 2%. And you're in England and Tom, you're not from Australia. There's no reason that you even need to be aware of the name of the former congressman from Montgomery County Maryland, who's running for president. It's

John Delaney, but it doesn't matter. He's polling at 0.6%, 0.6%, and to give you a sense of how low that is in the very same poll, 2% of Americans said that they see France as an enemy. So, France, France. These are people who think that their stinky cheeses are a threat to the American way of life. So if 2% of Americans say that they see France as an enemy, it means that 2% of Americans are that they see Francis and enemy, it means that 2% of Americans are

just crazy and confused and will say anything. So if John Delaney is polling at 0.6%, it means that even people who believe that aliens live among us and are on the US Supreme Court are like, no, Delaney is too sketchy for me. That's too far. I'm going to go hang out with these aliens. So, and what you see in the, in the, in the, in the democratic party, you see some ideological divisions between the center and the left, right? The, the, the left says we need to open our borders to anybody who needs to come here

to be a refugee. People should have a path to citizenship. We shouldn't have this horrific corruption and deportation apparatus, where families are separated and people are putting concentration camps. That's wrong. And the center thinks we should do a study of that.

So Joe Biden is leading in the polls, but he continues to face protest and criticism based on his record of support over decades for segregationist deportations and mass incarceration. He says criticism of his cozy relationship with racism segregationist is misplaced because in his words, quote, no one has done more for civil rights than me. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that doing more would have involved doing less for segregationists. Like there must be someone who's done the exact same for civil rights as Joe Biden, but

who didn't also enthusiastically champion locking up millions of black people. Joe Biden is the candidate for you. If you don't believe in judging a political candidate based on what they have said and done, but instead based on their intentions, the proclaimed goodness in their heart and their ability to tell a down-home, folksy homily. That's Joe Biden.

Senator Kamala Harris, my senator from California, I live in San Francisco, she was district attorney in my city. She's brilliant and capable. She would be an excellent and eloquent manager of America as a planet-destroying capitalist empire. Um, he would be the most competent manager of that. She is a candidate for you.

If you read about stuff that the Republicans do and say things like, this is not who we are, this is not us as a people, because you've never met a person from El Salvador or heard a Native American person. Uh, it most definitely is us. It's so us that that's what the US and USA stands for, is that it is us. Us is us assholes, that's USA. Then one of the other top five is Pete Buttigieg.

He is the candidate for you. If you want a candidate who is as willing to sacrifice any moral principle as a Joe Biden or Kamala Harris, but someone who is less good at it. If you want a politician to be like a TED talk, where all you have to do is say, huh, I never thought of that. As you drive your Tesla to a steakhouse,

while wishing that your city was not filled with homeless encampments, but think that the principal victims of homelessness are not homeless people, but middle-class people who have to see homeless people because they smell bad. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but homeless people because they smell bad. But one of them, he's gay. I'm sorry, I forgot.

You got to mention that. Here's the thing about being from San Francisco is that no one in San Francisco is famously the gay capital. And so people in San Francisco are just sort of over the idea of it being a significant breakthrough to have the first gay president. Because in San Francisco, like most people have already been evicted by a gay person.

Like gay people have just fully integrated into the establishment here. So there's no, like there's no further achievement to make. The last one I want to talk to you about is Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders supporters are delightfully sentimental. They support wonderful democratic socialist policies like government run healthcare, free college, and they want to pay for the expansion of such policies by taxing the 1%. They believe that our system is rigged to prevent those policies by a billionaire class that has corrupted democracy to serve its own interest, and that the way to defeat a corrupt system

rigged by the rich is to boo at it. As Margaret Mead said, never underestimate the power of a small group of determined thoughtful people with nut allergies, booing at something to change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. Now they support universal healthcare and free college education because the cost of those things are increasing faster than wages. Well, for instance, the cost of food, clothing, cars, electronics are not increasing faster than wages, which is why there's growing public support

for Medicare for all in free college, but not, for instance, support for universal sear sucker suits and single payer, Bose Bluetooth, noise canceling headphones, which I also support. And Bernie Sanders supporters are very enthusiastic about their candidate. And as a Jew, I understand why people would get so excited about a

balding socialist Jewish man in his 70s. I think my dad is pretty great too. But I'm just used to him, so it doesn't get me wound up to be around a balding Jewish socialist man in his 70s. My dad would also be a good president as long as Air Force One maintains a steady supply of hard pretzel. I smell another golden age, Andy. Well, I'm going to vote for all of them as often as possible in next year's election. Excitingly, it appears that whoever wins the presidential

election will have a new presidential seal. Donald Trump gave his speech to the Conservative group, Turning Point USA on Tuesday, in front of, well, what appeared to be the presidential seal? But it's turned out, well, I don't know, an alternative, a fake, a prototype, an updating, who knows what this will prove to be. There were certain key changes to it. Who knows what this will prove to be? There were certain key changes to it. The American eagle had been turned into a two-headed Russian eagle. The 13 arrows held by the eagle in the presidential seal turned into 13 golf clubs.

The olive branch into a wad of cash. And the words, a pluribus, unum out of many one in Latin, have been turned into 45 as a puppet in Spanish. Now, I mean, people have assumed this was some kind of prank or a joke. Is it not just America updating its iconography to better reflect what it is as a nation today? I thought there was an interesting coverage from the Guardian on this.

In other words, a proud presidential symbol was apparently reworked to shame Trump over two of the biggest targets of anti-Trump criticism, Russian involvement in the 2016 election, and excessive golfing. Is that really one of the biggest elements of the anti-Trump criticism, excessive golfing? I'm kind of ambivalent with a golfing thing compared to putting fucking children in cages. Reminds me the two biggest targets of anti-hitlicriticism, the Holocaust, and the fact he didn't get enough protein.

Well, I mean, as a thing with, I mean, I go different way on the golf. I think that's the best thing Trump has done. Imagine if all that time he'd spent playing golf, he'd spent doing presidential stuff. Oh, God. The world would, I mean, I think it would probably have just cracked open by now. Right. I think if anything, he has played significantly insufficient quantities of golf.

No, no. But I think this is a great new insignific America, a two-faced Russian predator, and a sport traditionally the preserve of conservative white men. How better could you express what America is about? white men. How better could you express what America is about? Heatwave news now, and well the big news here apart from the new Prime Minister is, well, apparently, we've been punished for choosing a new Prime Minister with an absolutely appalling heatwave, Britain, and indeed Europe, if that still exists. Indeed, now Boris' Prime Minister, I think it's been officially cancelled.

I've been suffering or enjoying record high temperatures, depending on your view of heat. Record temperatures set in Belgium, Germany, the Netherlands, so also in Paris. Still think you can get by without the cooling influence of Britain, after everything we've done for you, I'm getting confused. Britain had its second hottest day ever, and the hottest ever day, in fact, inside my head,

as I pondered the implications of a Johnson government, and how the hell I'm gonna attempt to explain the last 10 years to my friend, Frozen Errol, who cryonically froze himself in 2010 because he couldn't wait to see what the world was like in 2020. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be very tough. Was he called frozen

Errol before he froze himself? Always. It's a weird guy that one. It's just the 10 years. Yeah. It was hot. It was hot. It was hot. It was hot. It was so hot. How was it, son? It was so hot. The London eye was wearing sunglasses. It was so hot, Andy. Right. How hot. Thank you. It was so hot. Other Jack the Ripper tour, they said, you know, the real killer.

Is this bloom and eat, innit? Gosh, it was so hot this weekend, Andy. How hot, how hot? It was so hot. Even English people were saying this beer is too warm. It was so hot. How hot? It was so hot.

Hamson Heath was declared the world's first outdoor gay sauna. It was so hot. Precisely how hot. It was so hot. Even was so hot, he said, he was declared the world's first outdoor gay sauna. It was so hot. Precisely how hot. It was so hot, even Andy's Oldspan's comedy was considered to be on fire. Wow. That's how hot it was. That's, I mean, the rest I could take, but you just tipped over the edge into just outright nonsense.

It was, I mean, just unpleasantly hot, the World Meteorological Organization, a spokeswoman from there said, these extreme events are becoming more frequent. They're starting earlier and they're becoming more intense and it's a problem that is not going to go away, which is disappointing for me. And I don't think we should ruin it out. It just disappearing, despite all the scientific evidence.

Climate change or is it just a free market at work? You know, because five hottest summers in history, well, five hottest summers since the year 1500 have all occurred this century, 2002, 2003, 2010, 2016, 2018, 2019 looks set to join it. Is it not just years setting an example and other years raising their game Is it not just years setting an example and other years raising their game to meet it? It does not just show that the result of the Cold War was entirely correct. NATO. Unfortunately, though, you don't have to deal with humidity, right? It's just a pure racist heat is what you have there.

Yeah, basically, just that. It goes a lot of trouble for the trains. trains, transport chaos all around London with the heat. It got so bad, East Midlands trains advised passengers not to travel, which that's really all passengers want to do, Eddie. If passengers are traveling, they're just stays. Yeah, they are. To be honest, that's just generally good advice on most trains in this country. Travel?

Well, travel broadens the mind, doesn't it? just generally good advice on most trains in this country. Travel. Travel. Well, travel broadens the mind, doesn't it? Yeah. And that can only lead to disappointments. Now in Australia, 82% of homes have air conditioning. In the UK, it's just 3% of homes have air conditioning. And 100% of UK homes have the shitest showers on the face of the planet.

I tried to have a cold shower to cool down this week. It was like being urinated on by a baby with kidney failure. It was nothing. You guys are going to sort that out, please. MUSIC Projectiles news now. And well, people have spent probably a lot of this week throwing things at things in the privacy of their own home.

Certainly I've been doing that in my television. There's heavily bruised and well, and we all have a projectile Australia Tom has well been been been cheekily So we say exporting some of its projectile flinging systems to the UAE. Yes selling weapon systems Directly to the UA's armed forces an army that systems directly to the UAE's armed forces, an army that is currently liberating the absolute shit out of Yemen right now. And this is great news for Australia,

who says we don't play an important role in global events, Andy? We're a real country. We're not just an episode of The Simpsons, okay? Yeah. Well, it's good to think like a super power. Like a super power. I think so.

And up until now, Australia's arms trade has only consisted of making boomerangs and informing people what does and doesn't constitute a knife. So this is a big step up for us. We're quite happy with it. The remote weapons system is a collection of sensors and a swiveling mount set around a small cannon heavy machine gun or missile launcher ages four and up. It comes from a company based in Canberra called electro-optic systems, which really makes them sound like they make robotic eyes for people who have lost their eyes, as opposed to a company that makes things blow you up into tiny pieces the size of eyes. So it's a little bit misleading there. But it had already been revealed that this company was selling weapons systems to the UAE, but quote, the company

had repeatedly declined to say if they were selling to military or civilian customers. It seems like an odd distinction. If you're buying your weapons systems attached to a small cannon heavy machine gun or missile launcher, are you really still a civilian? I think you've crossed over. How civilly are you going to be? What can you do as a hobby? crossed over. How civilly are you going to be? What you could do as a hobby? A hobbyist's key market these days for arms, arms, exporters. It's for duck hunting. In other projectiles news, we, well, as a planet, we narrowly avoided getting absolutely hammered by an asteroid.

100 meters in diameter, clocking 24 kilometers a second, missed the earth by just 70,000 kilometers. And to give you a summary of how close that is, that's more than 10 kilometers, but less than a million. Between 57 and 130, almost the holidays, everyone. Almost there. Between 57 and 130 metres across the asteroid, could have had someone's eye out or destroyed the planet or somewhere in between, described as a city killer asteroid,

but so small it was very hard to see. No sense of fair play out Ah, there is the, from the universe. Also some dispute over what asteroids are specifically. Current scientific thought is they are crumbs left over from gods rapidly eating sandwich at lunch on day six of his with hindsight, seriously over hasty universe creation project that gained him so many fans back in the day. Yeah, yeah, so if the asteroid hit the Earth, scientists projected the impact would be equivalent

to 30 atomic bombs, and they named the asteroid, asteroid 2019, okay, just to give you a sense, if you're not a scientist, NASA uses okay as a technical unit of measurement of how f**king we would be if the asteroid hit us. So, for example, OK is bigger than a smaller asteroid that would be at the A level of impact and a bigger asteroid would be,

oh shit, black Jesus, hold me, please, not in the face, Mr. asteroid, please. That's the NASA ranking of asteroids. I was trying to get my head around like how big it is because it said a hundred meters and that's metric and you know I'm an American and I understand that. So I was trying to figure out the conversions and a hundred meter asteroid is about the size of a 30-story building or your average Hilton hotel. So the asteroid hitting the earth would have the destructive power of dropping an entire Hilton on your city from a great height, which makes sense that they called it a city killer because multinational corporations catering to the whims of the

rich are destroying urban life. And if the asteroid did hit, it would also charge you $35 for a 10 ounce beer from the minibar. So, but I don't think it's all bad. Like we all know how serious an asteroid strike could be based on the 1998 documentary Deep Impact, where we learned that an asteroid strike would wipe out coastal cities, but we would end up with Morgan Freeman as president. And I think that's more of some serious consideration. The asteroid eluded detection because it came directly from the sun. And so it wasn't picked up until the last moment,

which is exactly the same ingenious maneuver that Deneer is Targaryen used in the final season of Game of Thrones to hide her dragons in the sun to get the jump on Yurong Greyjoy and avoid his dragon-slaying crossbows. So the asteroid enjoyed the last season of Game of Thrones. So what are you nerds complaining about? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Don't get involved. Dogs that bullet. But Rima has it that waiting for another similar asteroid to actually hit the earth and wipe out the entire population of Ireland is Boris's favored plan to resolve the issue

with the Irish border, which does seem more likely than salty at the backstop situation. Oh. Oh. Well, that brings us to the end of this bugle. I hope we've covered every story that you wanted to hear this week, and if not, just make some up of your own. In the blank bit of the bugle that we mentioned earlier, I'm just going to leave, we're going

to leave 15 seconds of silence now if you do some of your own bugle for once. Is that 15 yet? How much longer do I need to leave? Another couple. Let's stop. Right. There we go. I hope you feel that with some absolute gold.

Thank you very much for listening. The bugle will be off for the next couple of weeks. We will put out some sub-bugles in the meantime. Then we'll be back with a live show from the Edmund Riff Festival on the 16th of August and the 19th of August. You're doing the 19th, I think, on your top. I sure am. Yes. With Alice and Nish is doing the 16th with TBC. And I love this stuff. They're great. They popped up a few times in today's script, actually. I think TV. Don't forget to come and see the Edinburgh shows

of all the Bugle Co hosts who will be there. Tom, plug your show. I'll bloody be there. I'm doing a show called Enough Every Night of the Fringe at the Monkey Barrel at 9 p.m. I will be doing satirist for hire at the stand at 4 p.m. I think. I do.

So you're f***ing weak. I still can't remember what it is. I've had a busy summer and I'm very tired. Busy summer, you've been sitting around all day watching cricket, mate. I've been watching it in a busy way. Oh, God. From the 13th to the 25th,

let's go with that, roughly, that's ballparking. Political animal will be on most nights at the stand from the 13th until I think the 22nd and there's those two live duge will show. I mean the thing is a key to selling your show in Edinburgh is to make people think they they have to do a little bit of work themselves to find out when it's on you know I'll put it all on a plate for 30 year I'll get them actively ready. Yeah, that's later than I was expecting. Send your satirical request to satirize this at satiristforhight.com and I will have them ready for 4pm every day, half an hour before showtime.

Very unlikely. Fans, don't build it. All right. It's do us a pull all the bugle co-hosts who will be there, including Tom NATO. Anything any shows you'd like to plug for our listeners? The main thing I want to plug, I want to sure the viewers know about my album that my I have a comedy album called The Whiteness Album that is available wherever comedy can be streamed and downloaded and much I just published a story actually this week at the Rumpest.net. The title of

the story is introducing LaMoisha and Hezbollah Shonfeld. It's a funny and sad story about the decision to give my daughters my wife's last name and how my grandfather was angrier about that that he was about the holidays. Thank you very much for listening. Sorry if I've been slightly off my absolute pig form today. You're a big great air dude, you're always on fire. Yeah, you're too kind. Thanks Tom Delay for as always to have you on the show. And I mean, enjoy the time you've got before burning in the eternal fire spell.

There it is. Thanks again, to come back on soon. Bueglers, we'll be back with a full show in three weeks. There will be two weeks of sub-buebles to come. And if you want to join the voluntary subscription scheme, go to thebuegelpodcast.com and click donate. And we will play you out, as always, with lies about some of our voluntary subscribers. Alex Hoffman wishes eating carrots was considered as cool and seductive as smoking cigarettes used to be back in the 1950s, Alex absolutely loves carrots. Jonathan

Munroe wrote a computer program that averaged out all recipes in the world to formulate one single dish. The result, a little surprisingly, was a tin of spam inside a watermelon. Thomas T. Bolt wishes more trains went chew chew instead of Hunk. Not all progress is progress. On reflection, Thomas wouldn't even mind if cars went chew chew these days instead of room each to their own. Jack Horton thinks the world might be a happier, calmer place if everyone was legally obliged to spend 15 minutes every day sitting on a bench thinking quietly to themselves and then making polite conversation for an additional five minutes with any passerby. LF Turner is impressed by that idea and would have that people should donate all their spare chairs to a communal chair library

so more people can spend more time sitting down and that some of those surplus chairs could even be bolted together to make benches for the bench scheme. Belinda Copeland has analysed all the how many questions posed by Bob Dylan, the renowned singer-songwriter and no-time chorister of the year, in his hit song, Blowin' in the Wind, and has calculated that the average answer is 21.57. This prompted Chris Norman to notice that that is also the test match bowling average of the great England cricketer Freddie Truman. Could that be purely coincidence, Wonders Chris, those two giants of the 1960s, unified by a number? Yes, chips enriched the Buglister, pointing out that in fact only 2.61% of

coincidences have any real relevance. But hang on in trops, Amier Shema, 2.61 runs per oval with Fred Truman's Test match economy rate, and it's hard to imagine the great Yorkshire Fars Boiler, cropping up in two statistics to two decimal places without it proving the existence of some form of God. Rich the bugleys to concede to this point and says that it proves that God probably loves cricket and might come from leads. Here end if the lies are men. you